It feels so good to me to obey and to be used, be mindless and controlled and open to anything you desire from me, My Master
To feel your hold on me
Both my mind and my body
Your plug is so familiar now, the secret touching of your clit and FH2 through the day as I edge
Wearing a harness beneath my pretty work clothes like the slut that I am, My Master
I am so happy to be in your service, My Lord
You are right that I never would have thought that I would feel it so deeply
That I would be transformed by a relationship like this, especially because you are so far away from me
I find myself longing for the time when I can kneel down to you in person, My Lord
Boundaries
This has been a relatively pleasant and more quiet week compared to last week, which was full of difficult revelations. I completed my tasks for you willingly. This week I was ovulating which makes my sex driving very high and you decided I could not use FH2 for pleasure, but only your clit and FH3. I had been on hormonal birth control in some form or another for my entire adult life as a woman prior to about two years ago. Off of it, I have have perfect cycles and I am much more aware of the changes in my mind and body with my fertility. During ovulation I feel like I could stay in bed and fuck about ten guys in a row, completely insatiable, which is frustrating, distracting and somewhat embarassing. To be so influenced by my body and its ancient commands to procreate. What is interesting is that I tend to get even more male attention when I am ovulating as well, perhaps because of my unconcious behavior and how I present myself, perhaps because they can smell it on me. We are all animals after all.
This week my body harnesses arrived and I began wearing them under my clothing at work. We did a lot of playful boundary pushing at work this week, perhaps as a result of me feeling your hand on me more in that setting than previously. Honestly, that is the environment where I am least comfortable accessing this part of my self and that is a healthy boundary, I think. My work calls for a clear and ready mind. The harnesses are beautiful and I enjoyed sending you pics of them all. I like feeling pretty and desirable. It feels delightfully secret wearing them under my clothes, which I had to pick out carefully to ensure that all the straps were covered and the lines not obvious to observers. I like secrets, they make me feel powerful. I texted you as I was walking into work one morning, your plug in my ass, the pull of the garters of your harness rubbing on my things, walking past my colleagues with a smirk. You responded by ordering me to cum, which I did of course. I happened to be alone in a public elevator at the time, which was a first, leaning against the wall and whimpering slightly in pleasure. You also had me go to the cafeteria during my lunch break and made me cum there with other people in the room. This playing at work feels pleasurable, fun, risky but contained. You are riding right up to the very edge of what I think is acceptable there, as you do with any boundary or limit. It has helped that work has been fairly light this week, giving me some extra time during the day that I won’t always have.
The harnesses are important symbols of my submission to you and I am trying to figure out my boundaries with them and my other relationships. For example, I often send a naughty pic of myself to my new male lover during the day, but I don’t want him to see the harnesses because he is very observant and will ask right away why I am wearing such a thing to work. He knows about you, but very little and has not asked for more information and I don’t want to give him more information either. I take them off when I get home although my husband has seen them and finds them sexy, I don’t like to wear them for him; they are not for him. I don’t wear them if I am helping him practice shibari or in the photographs for Fet that we have been taking of his rope work. I don’t send booty pics with them on to my various casual internet suitors/friends who I sometimes indulge with a saucy picture. I don’t know if this makes me a good or bad sub. I am hiding my submission even in anonymous spaces where it would be acceptable like Fet or online; I am protecting my other relationships from being impacted by this one. Generally I feel incredibly lucky to be able to participate in more than one relationship and have such great men in my life in their various roles to me but it gets complicated and tiring too, constantly thinking about what they need to know and understand about each other and about me. About what each of them needs and expects from me.
Kinky Dreams Vs. Realities
This morning you asked me if I would have a sex chair made and keep it in my house for us to use for play. I figured that was what you were going to ask and I already knew that I was going to say no. We discussed the reasons why already and I won’t go into that further. It was strange to say “No” to you but also kind of good, I think. I do have to consider more that just your wishes, as much as I would like to indulge you in all of them. You have never been married or had children or held a job with a public profile (that I am aware of anyway) so sometimes I wonder if you just think I’m being difficult or overly cautious. I know most of your subs were younger and had lower stakes than me. They were just finding their way in life while I come to you with a fully realized, complicated and successful life and ask you to fit into it and add to it without disrupting the rest of the house of cards. What a challenging request that is. And you have done it beautifully. The place where my slavehood is the most intrusive is obviously my marriage and I feel like that is going fairly well partly thanks to this blog and partly due to my commitment to maintain my primary relationship and my husband’s wonderful acceptance and love for me.
Sometimes you ask me to do things which sound amazingly fun, but are also impractical and would cause a lot of distress in the rest of my life; I have to say no. And that sucks. Right now it often feels like all we have left is dreaming about a better time when we can fulfill our fantasies because the reality is mundane and so restricted by current events, responsibilities and practical limitations. In my fantasies I can play with you in complete freedom, with the only restrictions being my own mind, but in reality, of course, we are bound by much more.
Thank you for respecting that I will sometimes need to say No. I don’t like to disappoint you. As your slave, I assure you that it is an unpleasant feeling for me, since I would much prefer to eagerly grant your requests as a sign of my submission. I did appreciate you respecting that limit and even telling me you won’t bring it up again. It makes me feel safe with you when you listen to me even when you don’t always understand or agree with my choices.