I realize I have been very submissive and although that has been enjoyable to me it perhaps has not been the healthiest for our relationship over all
Honestly this past week, although I have not been feeling much like your slave, I do feel like you are more responsive to me and our dynamic is more interesting to you
My friend keeps screaming at me to let the alpha out but I have been reluctant to do so
I am worried that you will perceive this as disrespectful which is not my intention
I thank you for being open about your thoughts on our dynamic
I find that very helpful in understanding what is going on between us
(Conversation with friend in the Lifestyle)
Good, he admits he’s been isolating
Understands why I’m feeling less connected and less submissive
I mean, really I am going to him for so little now
I don’t go to him for sex
I don’t go to him for advice
I don’t go to him for support
So if he’s not acting as my Dom it’s really hard for me to be enthusiastic about acting as his sub
He’s very good at creative, kinky tasks and when he talks to me he’s amazing
But that’s not enough for the level of submission we have established in this relationship
He has the experience and the quality to be what I need
I don’t know what is holding him back
Lack of interest is what I keep coming back to
If he was truly motivated and enjoying our relationship I would not need to chase him this hard
He would want it as much as me
Shifting
I felt progressively distant and unmotivated to submit to you through the beginning of the week. Never before have I felt so reluctant to engage in our rituals. I almost couldn’t make myself perform “Grounding” one evening, staring at the clean plug in my hand and feeling like such a fucking idiot for debasing myself for someone who did not value or appreciate my submission. I grudgingly did it, because it is in my nature to be obedient and perform the tasks assigned to me. The mantra about how I must be attentive to your feelings stuck in my throat. Because when do YOU have to pledge to be attentive to my feelings? Doms don’t have mantras, I know, but like everyone, they do have consequences.
The consequences for us were that I pulled farther and farther away, dropping your title when I texted you, using a neutral or even sassy tone to you in conversations, stopping sending you my usual playful pictures, videos, etc, to see if you would notice. You did not notice my withdrawal which further cemented in my mind that you were not paying attention to our relationship. Finally in the context of you imagining some sexual torture of me while chatting on text, I just broke and told you that I was unhappy and feeling ignored and that I could not join you in such thoughts with any confidence or pleasure because I no longer believed that we would ever get to such a place, certainly not at the rate we’re going. You were surprised, responsive and mentioned that work had been difficult and perhaps you were isolating and communication is challenging etc etc etc.
All of these things are true, of course. True, true and unrelated as the saying goes. They were true at the start of our relationship when you had no trouble making time for me, playing with me and you relished establishing your hold on me. Because I was new and interesting and you love new relationships and the challenge of obtaining submission from an intelligent, kinky woman. But do you know how to grow my submission and maintain it past the first few months? How to connect on more than just a sexual level? Are you brave enough to let me get to know you and care about you outside of BDSM? Can you continue to support me, challenge me and deepen my submission and trust in you? Will you get distracted by the legion of other submissives begging to have the experience that I have with you. New and eager and fun puzzles to unlock for your clever, devious mind. Or some former subs returning who are familiar and flattering, coming to you as the only thing that can soothe their troubled minds and enjoying your understanding of their experience.
I get it. I really do. You are powerful, you shape people, you are truly dominant and that is rare. It is not my place to tell you how to use your time or dictate your relationships, especially relationships that have existed long before you even met me and are valuable to you and to those former subs. I know that and I accept it and I would never accept such limits as a Dom myself. It is my place, as your primary sub who is struggling right now, to be honest with you and to speak to the dynamics I see unfolding. When we started this relationship I capitulated entirely into submission. I became your slave and it was lovely, unbelievably freeing to explore an aspect of myself that I had never had the space and time to try to understand and accept. No one else ever wanted that part of me. Everyone has always wanted the strong, capable, controlling, productive, stoic aspects of my personality because they are useful to them. Those traits make me valuable. You want something else from me, something darker, more primitive and equally deeply rooted and it is intoxicating.
Unfortunately I see now that by only showing you the limited submissive aspect of myself, by limiting your exposure to my full personality and power, I have also limited our relationship. This past week, when I have been the least submissive to you, we have made the most progress in connecting as people. We have communicated passionately and sometimes heatedly about conflicts in our relationships. I have told you honestly that I am unhappy, scared, insecure and angry that you think you can take on yet more long distance relationships with submissive women (whatever label you want to put on them) when I have barely felt you have time for me, the one you claim as your owned Slave.
I give you credit, you always hear me out and respond. You do appreciate the honesty you demand, even when what you learn things you don’t like or disagree with. You do improve, at least for a period of time, in response to my feedback. My Master, you have it in you to be everything I want and need and more. I want you desperately but my need and desire is not enough. My service and submission have not been enough to hold your interest. Perhaps this shift I have made this week, to move away from being only your docile Slave and instead, remind you that I am an Alpha Submissive, will bring the energy we need to sustain us until we can be together in person. It means I will have to let go of the extreme submission that I found so compelling but if, in exchange, we have better communication, deepening engagement and you are less bored with me then it is a small price to pay.
We are doing something so difficult here. We should not be discouraged that it has not always gone smoothly. This is my first BDSM relationship, I am still floored by the intensity of it and the changes I see in myself and my life. You are trying to help me grow and develop with limited communication and privacy for both of us. We are both in multiple relationships which brings up all kinds of emotions, especially as our connection is new and insecure. We can’t touch, we can’t fuck, we can’t play the way we both wish. If we could I know so many things would be easier for me, because that is an important way that I feel connected to a person. I remind you again that any time you spend connecting with me sexually will be time well spent in terms of reducing my anxiety and neediness. We have both made mistakes and we have both forgiven and grown. I hope you keep choosing me, My Master, even though things are challenging. I hope you choose me because you want me and want this relationship, not out of duty or pride. My hope is that I am a pleasure, a relief and a joy in your difficult life, not a burden. I remain dedicated to you and gratefully in your service, My Master, even as we move together through these changes.