I’m just kinda keeping it low key
And watching to see how he handles this situation with this woman
“goood”
I don’t really have any other options
I feel very distant from him right now
And that is sad
“that’s unfortunate”
He hasn’t even noticed
Which is good
I don’t want him to know how I’m feeling about things just yet
This is the good thing about always texting
It makes it much easier to pretend everything is okay
🙂 🙂 🙂
^^^See?
Self Care Mantra
It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!
My whole self Needs are equally important.
I will work in unison with those I love to find solutions that respect my Needs and Desires.
After finishing the blog this morning I went to the gym. My mind kept running over the same thoughts I have been grappling with the past week or so, My Master. I know you are unaware of them. When I left the gym, I was on the brink of tears. I voice messaged a friend in distress, who called immediately and talked through everything with me. What I realized is that I need to be more honest with you about my feelings regarding adding another sub to our dynamic.
I am a newbie to BDSM. I have never been seriously restrained, been hit with an implement or degraded in person. I have no idea how I will respond to those things and others when they happen in real life. I have never met you and yet I have a strong attachment to you. I still feel that there is so much I don’t know about you and when you do things I don’t understand or think are wise it throws me completely into doubt and fear because I immediately start to think about what else I don’t know about you and how vulnerable I am. I hate feeling like this. It is not typical for me at all and I believe it is due to the many strange things about our relationship.
When you return and we meet in person, I need time to get to know you. I need to feel safe, have privacy and develop trust. I need your undivided attention as we grow our dynamic and we figure out my limits and interests. Right now, I don’t feel ready to jump right into a multiple person BSDM dynamic full time. I really enjoy threesomes and initially we talked about how we would have occasional fun adventures but that has morphed into something different recently that you are very excited and enthusiastic about. Pretty much everything you have sent me over the past few weeks has focused intensely on this theme of having multiple subs so I know how important this is to you, which is why I have been scared to show how uncomfortable it is making me. I have been unable to cum for you for the past two days, although you have not noticed that I stopped thanking you for the orgasms. This is always a sign of difficulties in our relationship for me.
I fully understand that you need multiple submissives to have your needs met and I have no interest in limiting that. Of course, I encourage you to continue your hunt for the perfect gf/slave. I do want to explore group play with you when I am ready and I know that will be exciting and fun. I am feeling overwhelmed and not attracted to the idea of immediately starting our real life relationship with the constant presence of another submissive in a triad type scenario. I hope that you can understand this request, My Master, and know that it comes from a place of wanting to be honest with you and increase our chances for happiness on your return. I feel terrible that I cannot be more enthusiastic about entering into such a complex dynamic but I feel like it is premature for me and not healthy or well paced for my development as a submissive. Please consider these words and let me know your thoughts when you are ready, My Lord. Please know they come from a place of respect for you and our relationship while attempting to honor my own “whole self Needs”.