“Good girl, How does that make you feel?”
I’m fairly intoxicated currently but weirdly aroused and freaked out
“Which FEELS Correct?”
Slut SLAVE, My Sir
But gah! That’s so weird
“Now put it all together”
Pathetic Slut Slave, My Sir
My Husband Reads The Blog
So after posting last week, I happened to mention to my husband that I had referenced him in this blog. He already knew that it existed and in fact, helped me set it up so I was shocked when he became very upset that I had discussed him in it. I thought he understood that this was an anonymous space for me to process the effect of my relationship with my Sir on all parts of my life, certainly including my sex life and my most important romantic relationship, which is with him, of course. We had a lively conversation about limits, control and privacy which was heated at times. I will respect our limits by not sharing the details of what exactly was discussed on here. My husband didn’t need me to take the post down but that he wanted to read it and the rest of the blog so he understood what information was being shared. I had already told him he could read it, as that seemed only fair but asked him to let me know if he did.
Immediately, of course, I felt a sense of panic as I thought of the explicit sexual things described here and wondered what he would think of me. What he would think of me doing those acts for another man while I was in our home. Even more scary was the thought of him reading about my Master owning me and my holes. Traditionally, of course, your husband owns you and your holes. Our marriage is certainly non-traditional and yet, old ideas die hard and I am sympathetic that it could be challenging to sit and read about your wife calling herself a slave to another man. Later that night I brought up with him that My Sir and I were using those titles and explained that it was part of the BDSM relationship. My husband recalled the titles used previously between me and my female sub (Queen and Kitten).
I didn’t know when he was going to read it. Early in the week he came to me and told me that he had. He was smiling and calm and said, “there’s nothing there that I didn’t expect”. He told me that it helped to understand why I was in this relationship and he was even happy for me that I had found someone I could experience this with. I felt immense relief, acceptance and gratitude to have this wonderful person in my life, who could be so courageous and open to keep loving me despite the strange demands I make on him. I often feel like my sex drive and kink are a burden to him and my family and it was oddly freeing to have him see some of the “worst” of it and not reject me. On the negative side, I do not like having to share some of the intimate, special details of my relationship with my Sir with my husband. I feel anxious about him becoming a “gatekeeper” for me in BDSM, getting permission tacitly for my participation in activities that ideally, I could make an independent decision about. Funny, a sub advocating so strongly for her autonomy to get controlled and dominated.
Positives of Our Relationship for Me:
You had asked me what some of the positives of the relationship were after some criticism of the content of the blog.
First the sex. This is a huge motivator for me in my relationships outside my marriage and I still have reservations at times about our inability to have actual sex and need to rely on phone and hopefully someday, video encounters, for our sexual interactions. This week I bought the Lush and Hush, an egg vibrator and an anal vibrator with the option for long distance control which should bring a whole new dynamic to our sex life. You now control when or if I get to have orgasms on my own (which makes me feel so dependent when I have to bug you for permission and also continued shame about how often I actually masturbate, which I worry is excessive). I do feel a sense of connection to you every time I orgasm.
This week you gave me several fun, kinky things to do including having me orgasm multiple times while fucking your ass with a dildo first thing in the morning, plugging me and having me make myself cum four times in the shower (twice with dildo in my cunt and twice with dildo in my ass) and indulging me in a phone sex session where you made me alternate between slowly fucking your pussy and gagging on the dildo while I slapped my cunt for progressively longer counts. This weekend you have started a game with me where I “bought” two orgasms on Saturday morning at the cost of edging myself for 2-5 minutes every hour while awake until you give me permission to cum again. All of this makes me feel desired and sexy and engaged with you. I really enjoy sex and you know you can always get my attention that way. Other sexual things that have improved are my level of comfort with anal penetration which I have always enjoyed and I even had my first anal orgasm this week in the shower. You have introduced me to tons of fun toys, like the Satisfier which makes me cum in about two minutes. Sex with you is a real pleasure in my life and something I look forward to. You are the only lover I have had who is more kinky that me and that makes me feel less weird as well.
Our relationship has helped me define my interests and kinks much more clearly. I have confirmed my preference for degradation alternating with praise. I am exploring deeper submission and giving up sexual control. I learned how to set hard limits and defend them. I have used my safe words. I started this blog and through it, learned about how BSDM effects my marriage and my emotions. I have become more open to many kinks that I would not have even considered in the past. Just beginning to play with more painful sensations and learning how those effect me sexually and psychologically. I have examined my projections and expectations for a Dominant. Of course all of this has brought on a ton of feelings, some negative, but also a lot of growth. I feel like I’m communicating much more openly and directly about my sexual needs and preferences. I’m excited to see what it’s like when I actually have sex with a new partner since I feel like so many things have changed about me recently.
Pathetic Slave Slut:
Titles have been a big topic in this relationship and this week we further refined my title. I was wine drunk and working on a puzzle after a particularly stressful day at work, my husband was next to me, also drinking wine and texting his girlfriend. You told me that if you sent me some sex toys in the mail you would address them to your “Slave Slut”, later suggesting perhaps it should be “P.S.S.” with my having to guess that the P stood for pathetic. I’m trying to remember where the initial use of “Pathetic” to describe me came from exactly. In any case, I remember that I used that word to describe my no longer fighting against you and giving in to my submissive urges. You immediately recognized it as an important word and concept and have used it regularly since then in our sessions.
Pathetic means weak, deserving of pity, helpless; all things I don’t feel remotely comfortable accepting about myself and certainly not words that anyone who knows me in the rest of my life would ever use. I am generally considered a strong, even domineering leader. So this part of me that wants to crawl, to be collared, to be controlled and used feels secret and shameful. The part that wants to give up all the power and respect I have worked so hard to achieve and sink into mindless service to you is so hard to accept as equally valid as all my more acceptable qualities. Right now I just know I need it badly and I have somewhat intentionally stopped worrying about what it all means about me as a person, etc because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth currently. I just know I need it and even when my thinking brain fights it, my body and my emotions respond. There are so many demands on me right now, I am taking anything that helps and holding on tight.