“Bad Bad Bad
Such a disobedient slut
Using something that NO LONGER BELONGS to you
I will have to think up a proper painful punishment”
I am sorry, My Master
Disobedience
We made a deal over the weekend that I could have two orgasms in exchange for doing something for you, which I was not allowed to know in advance. Of course I said yes because I am always curious what your devious mind is going to come up with. Which was that I was to edge for five minutes on the hour while awake until I had your permission to cum. I was also to remain plugged the entire time. I set my phone to alarm and my timer for five minutes and had a strange day of doing chores and texting friends while rubbing my clit what began to feel like every time I turned around. This continued on and on until I thought I was going to lose my mind; all I could think about was fucking and the most obscene images were constantly going through my mind. I was sexting with a potential lover and kept escalating the conversation above what I would normally do because I was ridiculously horny.
Finally I had a moment alone, hiding down in the laundry room with the satisfier and I texted you for permission to cum. You responded favorably and so I believed that I would finally be relieved. However right when I was about to orgasm, I texted you for permission and you responded “No” and told me to turn off the satisfier. My heart fell and I felt so disappointed and angry. I felt tricked. I had been playing your game (which I had agreed to, of course) for so long and it was no longer really fun. Your clit was throbbing as I knelt there on the dirty rug, a whisper away from climax. You told me I could pull out the anal plug and try to make myself cum by fucking my ass with my fingers. I took a deep breath and followed your instructions. The anal play felt so good…but not good enough to cum and I turned back on the satisfier and started using it on your clit. The combined sensations were intense. Anal and clit stim together are a favorite for me, but something was nagging at me. I turned the toy off and read your next text, which was ruthlessly degrading me for being a pathetic slave.
I made a decision to tell you what I had done. I could have said nothing. I could have cum three times in a row using all your holes however I chose and you would never know. But that would mean this relationship is just an amusement, just a diversion and not something I am really committing myself to, to learn from you and explore submission. You have told me several times that the most important thing you need from me is honesty.
You were not happy to say the least. You scolded me for my disobedience, obviously I didn’t get to cum and you unplugged me immediately and told me to stop edging. I was so scared you were not going to talk to me the rest of the day which would have been terrible but you did sent me a neutral texts which soothed me. You didn’t punish me right away, which was a bit anxiety provoking as well. You often don’t communicate what I should expect or at least that is how it feels and I feel uncertain about where I stand. Finally I asked you what my punishment was and you told me I was to remain unplugged until the next weekend.
Punishment
At first being unplugged was a relief. After edging and being so tied up with you for the later part of the weekend, being free of the plug and vaginal weights felt so light. I had a great workout without having to feel or think about them and I felt more present in the rest of my life, not being distracted by edging. This was a challenging week for me at work and in other areas of my life and as the week went on I felt more and more distant and slightly annoyed with you. I felt like you were busy and our interactions were rather dull. You’d send me a few texts, mostly pornographic images. You gave me no tasks and the sexting was much less intense or frequent than it has been in the past.
As the demands in the rest of my life steadily increased I became resentful that you didn’t seem to notice or respond to my increased emotions and distress. You sent me some limit pushing images which I felt was unnecessarily provocative given how much I was struggling. I responded with anger or as you like to call it “sass”. After which you tried to engage me in a supportive way outside of the BSDM framework, dropping our titles, but I was too upset at that point and essentially told you to go away. That night I felt so far from you. I doubted if you cared enough about me as a friend to even bother to understand what kind of pressure I was under. You seemed out of synch with me. Illogically, I was disappointed that you had failed to reach me even though I know I was pushing you away. Later we talked about it and I tried to explain.
I still don’t know what to tell you about my anger. I am not an easy person. I am not an easy submissive. I feel bad about that and wish that I could be less complicated, difficult, contradictory and needy than I actually am. A great fear I carry is that I am going to exhaust the people I love if I ever express my true self.
Other Men
I have a fun new relationship beginning in this inauspicious time with a local cute, kinky, widowed man who likes running and coffee and sexting me. He was supposed to come up and meet me this week after a much longer period of texting than I would normally ever allow. He was going to bring me a home cooked meal at work for lunch and I had every intention of making out with him like crazy in the car, maybe even let him finger me if the mood was right. I had a premonition in the days before that it was going to fall through and I was correct. Due to COVID complications he was unable to come up. I was surprised at how disappointed I was. It felt like nothing in my life was going right and all my pleasures were being denied. I have been missing male admiration, attention and conquest very much.
This whole situation did bring up some important conversation about my outside relationships and what limits you will try to impose on them. I have a lot of anxiety about this as I want your involvement to be limited and I feel you do not agree. I agree my lovers need to know that you exist and have ownership of me but you also asked me to give my new lover a ridiculous title and only refer to him by it, which I declined. It’s already so hard for me to connect with decent people given my unique situation that anything that will make me seem even more odd or otherwise make me act in ways that are not natural to me I must reject if I am to have any chance of being successful in finding a quality relationship. I initially agreed to our relationship under the promise that I would be able to have outside sexual connections and I will hold you to that, My Master.
I decided not to use titles at all with this potential lover. He has naturally taken a firmly dominant position towards me, like most men do who are sexually attracted to me. He accepted your presence easily and seems to understand that I want a play partner and not another Dom. I am going to be careful to maintain that boundary with him and other men as don’t want to feel torn trying to serve two masters. I want to serve you and keep myself amused while I wait to kneel at your feet. This new lover is kinky and exciting, promising me fun play with threesomes of all types, impact play and light degradation and his sexting has been wonderful, full, evocative scenarios showing a mature and experienced lover. It is yet another strange long distance relationship during this odd time in the world and in my life. I hope you are able to give me the freedom I desire to explore with another man. I have no idea if that bothers you or not. I think you would rather I did not, and this is another way I feel I am a challenging and difficult sub.