“In your mouth with it”
My Master, you rightly pointed out today, after reading my update, that I neglected to include something that happened during our play on Friday night. I was honestly unconscious of omitting it, and even when you reminded me that it had happened, I still had to scroll back through our texts to be sure of what you were referencing. And then my heart sank when I realized what you wanted me to write about.
Because what you had asked me to do, and what I did is very hard for me to discuss. You had told me to unplug and scolded me for questioning you and I was crying. You reassured me I was not being punished and told me to finish my task and I sent you a picture of the njoy plug on the floor after I pulled it out of your FH3. As soon as I sent that picture I knew immediately what you were going to tell me to do next. I felt panic because I knew you were going to tell me to put it in my mouth and I just…can’t. And I was right, you told me to put it in my mouth.
I looked at the text and I looked at the plug and thought, if it’s clean I think I can do it. So I asked permission to wash it and you said yes (oh, thank you, My Master for that). So I washed it quickly with hot, soapy water in my bathroom and then I put it in my mouth. It was surprisingly heavy and hard to hold in my mouth. You told me to send you a picture and I did and you wanted to know what I was thinking. I felt angry and humiliated and excited and scared and proud and overwhelmed. I was thinking that you didn’t need to push me this hard but I knew you would. You had me face my mirror and watch myself play with your clit while I sucked on the butt plug until you commanded me to cum. Which I did, of course, writhing on the floor, still holding that fucking plug in my mouth.
Some of the things we will do are not “nice” BDSM, not aesthetic black and white, pretty lingerie and tidy shibari. I am ashamed to talk about the gross and nasty things that are part of my humiliation kink because I know people will judge and be disgusted by them. They are disgusting, that’s kind of the point. It’s very intimate and I feel so exposed talking about this here, but I have done so at your request.
The other thing, which you brought up as well, is that my husband can and does, read this blog. And this is something I would never want to share with him because I know he would never find this sexually exciting and he has made jokes etc about more extreme kinks in the past, as have I. He and I had discussed having a flag of some sort on blog posts I didn’t want him to read and I mentioned today that this might be one of them. This led to a very good discussion during which he openly acknowledged that he had been occasionally kink shaming in the past but felt that was changing as he watched and read about my journey. He also reassured me again that he loved me and that other than rejecting his love or lying to him, there was very little I could do that would change that. I guess we are going to find out if that’s true, but I feel pretty sure that it is. And there is no flag on this post because I am trying to be brave and let him see all the parts of me, even the ones I would rather hide.
Slave
You have had me repeatedly take the BSDM test over the past few months and the results have shifted a bit, although no surprise that “degradee” is always the top of the list, followed shortly by non monogamous, submissive, switch, masochist, rope bunny in close order. But its obvious from inside the dynamic of our relationship that we have moved firmly in the direction of Master and Slave, which has not been reflected, however, by the test results. When I first took the test in late Jan, 2020 I scored 53 on Slave. And after our last play, where I called you Lord, came on your command, sucked my butt plug and sent pictures to you and abased myself by lying face down on the floor because I wasn’t even worthy to kneel any more, my Slave rating went all the way up to…67.
You obviously noticed something was off and asked me about it. I knew right away what the issue was, which reflects a larger issue in my experiences with being a traditional BDSM slave. I score so low because all the questions asking about being a slave involve some variant of “would you give up everything else in your life to live out your BDSM dreams” etc. And while that is a fun fantasy for me, there is absolutely no way I would ever give up my other three major life roles as a working professional, a mother and a wife to focus solely on being a slave. When I explained that to you, you understood and agreed completely and encouraged me to take it again disregarding the other roles I play for the sake of the test, answering just based on my personal and sexual interests. I scored 98 on Slave when I took it a second time, “with the understanding that I know you are not abandoning those core roles”.
It is always going to be hard to balance all the things that I am. I am a really complicated person. I’m also a really lucky person, because I seem to draw great people towards me to help me, to mentor me, to love me, to fuck me and to forgive me for being such a weird, difficult, funny, moody, smart, slutty woman, who also is an obedient Slave to her Master.