Author: Avertas

Weekly Update 3/15/20-3/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Why is my Toy, “often angry”?

Cuz shit pisses me off, of course, My Sir

And then I get over it and move on

“Shit”

“What sort of Shit, Princess?”

Stupid men, stupid work, stupid me

“Ok”

“Which do you have control over, J–?”

I don’t really know how to organize this. I think you want a sort of detailed account of everything but there is just so much that is happening in every sphere of my life right now it all blurs together. My brain doesn’t really focus on the past. I am a creature of the present and the moment I care about is the one that comes next. This is not necessarily a strength.

This week I got mad at you. Work and my personal life have been intensely stressful as the world slowly crumbles a bit and I’m in a position to have to respond to that actively rather than run away and hide like most people. Which I like. I want to help and to be part of the rescue although I am anxious just like everyone else. You felt a bit distant and seemed busy or that was my perception anyway. Maybe I was just more needy and was projecting. Probably, since I hate to admit being needy and would much rather blame the other person for not being available. I feel vulnerable when I am needy. I much prefer to rely on myself than others.

Part of feeling neglected was that you weren’t plugging me very much. One day it seemed like all you were talking to me about was finding you other chicks to fuck with. I am bisexual and I am very open to fucking other women, both on my own or with men. The problem I have had, and it’s been in almost every single relationship other than the one with my husband, is that the man gets so damn focused on the excitement of me being willing to do a threesome that they start to ignore me and my feelings about it. I don’t take well to being ignored. I yelled at you on text and you handled it well. But I still feel my emotions on this topic are valid. I just didn’t want to keep arguing with you about it. Once I make a judgement based on my own experience, it is hard to convince me I am wrong. But I get bored with arguments that seem like a waste of time and will simply bow to another in order to move on. I was texting with a friend who I deeply trust about our fight and he helped me a lot, just validating and reassuring me that you had not lost interest in me.

Later that night you told me that you had left me unplugged on purpose, presumable to force me to feel that lack of connection to you and how much I missed it. And, of course, I did and that trick worked. I had considered that it was intentional already. I don’t actually know if I believe that it was but maybe. It feels manipulative, honestly, particularly as this is a really difficult time for me. I know that is part of my training as your submissive. I don’t know how supportive to expect you to be. How interested you are in my day to day life and problems and how I am handling them. It fluctuates. This is a strange, new relationship for me. You’re not my boyfriend or really even my lover. You’re my Dom. I don’t know how you define that relationship. You knew I was having a challenging week and yet you decided to add stress by reducing our connection to make a point to me about my dependency on you. The point was made successfully, but the timing wasn’t ideal. But then again, perhaps doing this during a time of stress (and really there is no end in sight for that) just amplified my reaction and in the long run deepened my submission to you.

Another thing that happened this week is that I continued my conversation with my husband about you, his limits and my being plugged. All of which was good and confirms that we have a strong relationship and he is an amazing person who is so radical in loving me enough to give me freedom to explore this relationship with you. I feel very thankful for him and his acceptance and understanding, which always feels like a gift. I find it hard to talk to him about this part of me but it is getting easier as I keep doing it and he doesn’t reject me.

We fucked me with your plug in my ass for the first time. He knew it was there, since he felt it when he pushed up against my ass in bed in the morning. You had asked me to remain plugged all night after our disagreement and I was happy to do so. Its odd, texting you with your plug heavy in my ass and feeling him reach over to snuggle me in the morning. Feeling pulled in different directions and like I’m doing something wrong sometimes. The sex was good and I came twice, enjoying the feeling of him in my pussy and your plug in my ass. I didn’t know if I should bring it up with him before we started but I didn’t want to ruin the moment and I figured, he knew it was there and was initiating it so… Afterwards, I was still sitting on his cock and I took his hand and pulled it around my ass, making him physically feel the steel handle of the plug. “How do you feel about this?” And he told me it wasn’t that big of a deal, either physically during sex or psychologically for him. I really hope that is true. I will keep asking him and be open to his feedback and comfort with this. He is not that interested in using my ass, so maybe that helps.

Yesterday the phone sex was wonderful. Hearing your voice made me so happy. I know you want my “inner thoughts” but I have a hard time remembering when I go into subspace. Really I am not thinking anymore in that place. I get to stop. That is such a joy. You told me that the plug is grounding me to you and that every time I feel it I will feel grounded to you. And I do feel it. I heard your voice in my mind later in the day repeating those words and it was strange and frightening and wonderful. I could hear my own voice change yesterday when you put me into that dark, dreamy space, begging you without even a scrap of shame left, nothing holding me back, reveling in calling you My Master. Sex is the doorway to submission for me.

At the end of the call, I said goodbye and I used your real name. It just fell out of my mouth. The interesting thing is I had an immediate stabbing fear that you heard me. I almost clapped my hand over my mouth, like a little girl who swears in front of her parents. You ended the call without giving me a punishment or reacting and I didn’t know if you had chosen to ignore it or didn’t hear me. I kept thinking about that fear. How obedient I have become, pathetic as we say. Because you are not even here to beat me! I would have to beat myself, as you have made me do and I would completely accept that punishment and inflict it without hesitation. Hence my fear is a manifestation of my level of submission. That just makes me feel like a crazy person and worried that I have given you so much power. Writing about it now though, I recognize that the power is GIVEN. I would accept the punishment because it is fair and I agreed to this relationship and your rules.

I brought this whole event to your attention and you considered it and offered that I told you because I am becoming your slave and I know that you want my honesty. You asked me to consider why it happened before you would forgive me. I think it happened because we ended the call quickly and I was still coming up from subspace and just starting to feel normal again. My brain scrambling for a foothold and using your real name rather than My Master was just a quick way to reassure myself, “We’re equals, this is just a game I am choosing to play”. An unconscious defense, rebuilding the walls. It was a surprise then, but it makes total sense to me now. It was not intentional insolence or disrespect and I do hope you accept that and forgive me.

Plugged

Posted on by Avertas

March 12th, 2020

Permission to masturbate to orgasm, Sir?

My njoy butt plug has been a very important tool in this process of developing submission and the first toy I was asked to purchase.  Initially I was completely turned off by idea of wearing a butt plug out and about.  First because the only butt plug I had ever used was a set of graduated glass ones which would be distracting and impractical for use outside of a sexual encounter.  When I got my njoy plug I understood much better how you could be plugged for long periods of time.  It is heavy and made of solid steel with a narrow tapered stem and flat loop that sits between your cheeks.  The first time I wore it I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it, the gentle shift of it when I moved, the weight creating a feeling of fullness that was pleasurable, little ripples all through the day.   You laughed when I told you how amazing it feels to drive my rickety old beater of a car with all it’s vibrations and the plug in your ass.

It has been used for both pleasure and for punishment.  One of my first punishments was to wear it for an entire day and by the end I was sore and tired of it.  Recently I wore it for a full day of activities including taking my children to lessons, talking with my husband, shopping, going out for lunch.  You were curious about how I felt about it. 

In many ways it mirrors my feelings about kink in general, something secretly pleasurable, something I would be embarrassed to have people know about, something I worry about intruding into my “real” life.  It was an experiment to wear it during a regular day of my life and it was not as bad as I thought it would be.  You didn’t let me take it out for gym as I requested and I know that was to emphasize that I am wearing it at your bidding, not at my convenience.  When you asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about wearing it all day, they were mixed.  Pleasure from the physical sensation, embarrassment that I would do something like this for a man I barely know, pride that I completed a task you asked me to correctly, annoyed by the end of the day by the physical discomfort.    

The next day you didn’t plug me at all and to my surprise and mild horror, I missed it.  I am plugged now as I write this and as ridiculous as it sounds, it makes me feel closer to you.   You told me I would be plugged more often than I ever expected and you were right.  I know I will be plugged the first time we meet in person too.  Perhaps you will unplug me then and use me as you wish.

Slave

Posted on by Avertas

March 7th, 2020

I am enjoying talking with you, learning from you and yes,

being under your control at times with my agreement

You said last night that when I was talking and engaged with you directly that I was owned by you

Including my body and the experiences of my body

And I both agreed to and enjoyed that immensely

This is one of the hard things to admit to.  Because it would shock everyone to know, everyone who knows me in “the real world”, as if this isn’t real.  You began so slyly with this, I see now how you have been preparing and I did see it coming.  I even told my friend that you were going to ask to be called Master soon.  I could feel it. 

During sex, during chats, you became increasingly more clear in your language of ownership.  When I went to meet another Dom, it was clear you were unhappy despite allowing it because you understood why I wanted to explore that option.   I can’t forget you telling me, firmly, strongly, as I was on the cusp of cumming that you put your collar around my neck. Telling me to feel it there.  Because I was owned.  Not just my clit and my holes, which I gave you relatively easily, but my whole person.  That was the most subbed out you have made me yet, after that orgasm, after that abuse.  I was floating, my mind scrubbed clean.  I felt like a child, drowsy and safe. 

So…I have let you be master and I have fallen into the pit.  Oh I want to be here and that is the most confusing part of all.  You say it is natural to me.  That it is the counterweight to all the power and responsibility of the rest of my life.  That you are just responding to me.  That I want to be the slave.

The thing is my feelings are so fluid and sometimes I am horrified by this, by what I am, by what I am doing.  Where does this end?  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I stop?  I don’t even want to stop.  Stopping is the last thing I want.  Is this an addiction?  A friend, who knows a little about this relationship, looked frightened when I told her about this, when I nervously laughed and said “slave”.  Asked me if this was a good idea, if I was safe.  I don’t know what to tell her.   It’s not safe or normal to be a slave.  Sometimes it scares me and sometimes it pleases me immensely and I even feel proud to be your slave.  It is easy though.  If I let it be, if I don’t fight against it, it is so easy to obey, to kneel, to open, to suck, to endure.  I still don’t know what that means or how to live with it.

Sex

Posted on by Avertas

March 5th, 2020

Good night, my slave slut

Good night, Sir, thank you very much for that experience

Something that has completely taken me by surprise has been the quality of the sexual experiences I have had with you.  Our first full experience was incredibly intense and novel for me.  You had already made me send you a picture of all my sex toys and obviously the majority of our conversations have been sexual.  So I thought I knew what to expect.

I was home alone and you had me prepare my body by putting my plug in at 8:30 pm.  I loved the strict time given, the sense of anticipation and control of it.  Control over me.  You told me to have ready my wand, my glass butt plugs, nipple clamps, wearing my njoy plug.  I chose to wear a black lace bra, g string and garter belt and black heels.  You told me to have a bowl of ice water and a bowl of warm water ready. 

I remember you were late for some reason, an exercise class went over or something distracted you.  I was kneeling at the end of my bed, towel spread with all the toys waiting, staring at my phone like a devotee at a shrine.  I was a toy waiting as well.  The water went cold and I got bored and started texting my friends.  Amused that they had no idea of what I was actually doing and wearing while we chatted about their day. 

Finally you called me and we began.  Your voice is perfect for this play.  Dry and calm and masculine.  I had placed my large mirror so I could watch myself throughout.  Your directions were clear and specific.  You had me vibrate my plug with the wand, feeling that amazing sensation through my ass and pelvis for the first time, then switch between rubbing the wand up and down my already wet slit and vibrating the plug.  You had me caress my body, something I rarely do while masturbating, pinch and twist my nipples.  All the time asking me who I belong to, who owns this cunt, does it feel good, slut?  And always, Yes, Sir.  Yes, Sir. 

You had me cool the glass plugs and fuck my own ass with them, the sensation completely new and exciting, then had me shove them all the way in, I remember wincing a bit as I was tight from lack of use.  You taught me to count as I slapped my pussy, always remembering to add your title.  I fucked my pussy, fingered my clit, stimulated my g spot all at your direction, all on my knees, all tied up.  Not yet in cuffs, in collar but in your words and demands.   For the first time I was not able to cum at my own leisure but when you said I could.  For the first time, I begged you for something with true sincerity, with desperation in my voice.  Despair when you started at twenty, joy when you practically shouted, “CUM, my slave slut”.

I know you want to know how it feels to me.  My emotions, not just my pleasure, not just how my body responded to your expert manipulation of my clit and my holes.   I felt anxious and eager when we started.  Surprisingly, or perhaps not, during sex my obedience weighs lighter on me.  Perhaps when my thinking mind is overwhelmed by pleasure and pain I can struggle less against my pride and my fear.  I don’t remember having an urge to resist you at all.  I wanted to see where you would take me.  I wanted to know if you could make me feel connected to you and disconnected from everything else.  I wanted to know if you could fulfill me and sate my hunger.  And you did.

The orgasms that night were intense.  Both times I came so hard I pushed out the plugs, much to your amusement and delight.  Rolling waves that had me literally writhing on the ground in my lingerie, gasping in air and moaning.  I felt immense gratitude towards you afterwards, respect for your skill, honored that you took the time with me and hope.  Hope that we could have something better than I ever thought possible despite the limitations.

The Struggle

Posted on by Avertas

February 25th, 2020

TBH, I’m still on the fence about engaging with you, Sir But apparently I’ve decided to give you another chance

Right from the start I felt the pull of it.  The desire to be on my knees, the urge to call you “Sir”, the premonition that you would eventually ask for “Master”.  I sent you a picture of myself on my knees fairly early on.  You didn’t even ask for it and my position was technically incorrect but you didn’t correct me, just praised me and I’m sure smiled, seeing how naturally I followed my instincts.  I also introduced titles early, as I complimented you on the names you were using for me, “Pet”, “Little Girl”, “Kitten”.   You allowed me to title you “Sir” and then trained me to use it to speak to you with respect.

But there were many times where I balked.  The first time you asked me who was a submissive slut I left it unanswered by text.   Your interest in more public displays of power over me terrified me as I need great discretion from my lovers.  Sometimes it seemed that you didn’t appreciate that, despite my insistence.   You spoke about the future and my participation and obedience in a variety of extreme sexual acts with total confidence that I would agree.

About a week in I almost ended it.  I told you it wasn’t going to work for me and thanked you for your time.  You had sent me an image of hard bondage with the woman fully immobilized, gagged, clothespins on her nipples and a vibrator strapped to her clit.   I told you it looked scary and that I was claustrophobic.  You told me it was wonderful and that if I was in that position you would make me worship your ass.   I didn’t respond to you but I messaged my friend that I felt you were not listening to me, that you were not tuned into my responses and it felt like a red flag.  He agreed that I should be careful and consider pulling back.   When I talked to you again, you were rational and reassuring.  You apologized and sent me more pictures of yourself and told me more about you as a person.   Once I engaged with you again, you quickly reminded me to use titles and I felt the grip of you on my mind once more. 

The Beginning

Posted on by Avertas

February 21st, 2020

During sex, if I’m with a dominant male, I’m compliant and obedient

and I enjoy that very much

Especially if I trust him and feel connected It’s kind of like being high

As I write this, ass plugged and a bobbie pin on my clit per your instructions, it has been just shy of a month since we began.  And it feels both ridiculous and perfect that I am here now, arriving of my own free will at a destination I would never have anticipated, guided by your hand, but every step taken on my own. 

We met by chance and your handsome, smirking face.  My side relationships were drying up and I went fishing on OkCupid for a new lover.  I had been pondering exploring BDSM , something I had always been interested in but never had the guts to really try.  And a few recent sexual experiences had confirmed that I did enjoy power play, both as a submissive and sometimes as a dominant.  You clearly identified yourself as a Dom and we began talking.

“The good news and the bad news” as you put it, was that you were away, far away and would be for a long time.  I have never accepted a long distance relationship.  I want flesh and touch and chemistry.  But….I didn’t have anything else to do and you were interesting, compelling and I decided it would do no harm to keep talking to you.  Maybe I would even learn something.

In the beginning you made several missteps with me.  Reading our texts, I understand now why you asked about my sexual preferences so early, but at the time it felt abrupt and intrusive.  You almost immediately began sending me obscene sexual images and having me rate them in terms of desire from zero to five.  I playfully accused you of data gathering and making a file on me.  I also consented, telling you “I will play your game”.  Of course, now I know you don’t need a file because you used all of that information immediately to begin training me.  And I would grow to love your game.