9/14/20-9/20/20

Posted on by Avertas

Good morning, My Master

Thank you for these images

It doesn’t appear likely that my hook obsession will be reduced in the future, My Master

The only thing I am more obsessed with is My Master’s beautiful, hard cock

“Along with your Owner’s wishes”

Your wishes are my desires, My Master

“That’s my Slave and my Property

I told you, that you would love the Hook”

Of course you were right, My Master

You know my mind and body so well

Bc it is all your Property

You pay attention to it and now you know what pleases it, My Master

“It’s not always about pleasing my Property

It’s usually about using it and having my cum drip from it

Marking it.

With cane or bite marks”

Yes, of course, My Master

But you are correct that the Hook pleases me, My Master

And being Used and dripping My Master’s cum will too

“Mmmmm

Filling my FC3.

….

As I record the cum dripping as I spank, cane, flog my slave

Would you like that gift, Slave *real name*”

Yes, My Master

I am your three-hole, FC Playground

I am your Property, My Master

__________________________________________

I wasn’t sure if it ever got to you, My Wolf

And I like them to be surprises if possible

“I know

Which I also love”

I know; a good Slave also pays attention to what pleases her Master

And I am blessed with a wonderful Master

I always want you to know how much I appreciate your Ownership of me, My Master

You have given me so much, My Lord

“Cum, My Property

Cum, you worthless, pathetic, Wonderful Treasure”

An Evening with Friends

I have gradually but consistently been introduced to several of your friends now, which has done a lot to reassure me that you are sincere in your interest in keeping me in your life upon your return. It has also been reassuring to meet other normal people who like you and have known you for years. I have been enjoying chatting with a friend of yours who is a female sub and we went out to breakfast together a week or so ago and got along quite well.

This week you asked if I would be interested in meeting a friend who does therapeutic hypnosis. I have some experience with hypnosis and love having novel experiences, so I was happy to agree to see him for help with my “anxiety”. He invited me over to his house and I arrived bearing two boxes of wine, as a gift from you, My Master and a bottle of rum as a gift from myself. We hit it off immediately and your friend, who is social and extroverted, made me feel right at home. Unexpectedly another friend of yours, also a Dom, was at the house with his female Sub/girlfriend and we were introduced. It was very fun to hear your friends teasing you and reminiscing about things you had done in the past. I like to learn more about you and understand you better. It also felt validating that things I enjoy or get frustrated about with you are similar to the observations and experiences of others who know you well. This makes me feel like perhaps my perception of you is more accurate than I had thought.

I had my hypnosis and your friend had some trouble identifying a target to work on with me, which he said was quite unusual for him. He eventually decided to have me do a vivid visualization and visit myself as a child, speak to my child self and embrace her, bringing her innocence and hopefulness back into my adult self. It was a lovely hypnosis and I was easily induced as I have done self hypnosis in the past. It was amusing that as we were doing hypnosis, we could clearly hear your Dom friend doing an impact session with his sub upstairs. It made me feel a bit jealous, to be honest my Master, but it also made me feel like I was with people who understood me.

We all drank more wine, a fire was built and cookies were eaten and a lively conversation was underway. Your friends were funny, welcoming and interested in me and there was a general sense of my being somewhat unexpected or atypical, although not in a bad way. They seemed to particularly like that I am a Switch and have a professional career. Your friend said that you, My Master, were “mistaken about me”, a comment I do not fully understand, but it makes me a little nervous, wondering what you have told them about me, My Master and what you think I am like. The female sub was quite pretty and very quiet and submissive; very different from your Slave, My Master. I paid her several compliments, hopefully tastefully, and enjoyed watching her. I got a little buzzed from all the wine and hopefully didn’t say anything too stupid. I realized it was getting late and switched to water so I would be safe to drive home.

Your Dom friend was particularly interested in my experiences as a Switch and that I have had a female Sub in the past. I went to use the bathroom and when I came back, he intercepted me alone in the kitchen, taking me by the arm and asking me privately if I would be interested in spanking his Sub. I was, of course, very flattered. And, as I am sure you are not surprised, I would have liked to do it, because I was attracted to her and it has been a long time since I got to play with a sub woman. The first thing I asked him was if he had your permission. When he told me that you hadn’t responded to his text asking, I realized that as fun as it might be, it was a bad idea. One, it was late and time for me to leave. Two, I felt like I didn’t necessarily want to have that be my first impression with your friends. Three, I was pretty horny and didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I would make a mistake. Several times that night I wished you were there with me but most of all at that moment. I would have loved to look to you for approval and permission, for guidance. You weren’t there in person, but you have shaped my mind, heart and behavior such that I knew what you would want from me. You are always with me now.

So, I did what I knew was the right thing and declined the tempting offer, gathered my things, thanked the gracious host and drove home after a lovely evening spent with new friends. Thank you for giving me a chance to grow closer to you through incorporating me more and more into your life, My Master. Thank you for all your hard work instilling more sexual self control into me and improving me so that I may bring you honor as your obedient and respected Slave.

Adventures with FC3

Earlier this week I finally received the anal hook I had ordered a month or so ago. Along with it I had ordered my first inflatable dildo with the intention of using it for anal play, although right now you have it blown up in FC2 while FC3 is plugged and I write this blog; putting delicious pressure throughout your stuffed holes with just a thread of discomfort. The tubing is lying against my slick clit and rubbing everytime I shift my weight and this is making me so horny. You are also tormenting me this morning with images of your cock pre and post grooming, so that your smooth balls and thick shaft are on my mind but sadly not yet in my mouth, where I want them to be so badly. I cannot wait to lick and suck them, on my knees, perhaps with a Kitten or Toy to help make it even more fun, our tongues swirling together over your hardness while we smile and suck and kiss.

You had suggested the anal toys to me a long time ago but it took a while for them to come. When I told you I finally had the anal hook, you immediately asked me to put it in, tie a rope harness and wear it to the store, which was intimidating as I had never tried a hook or a self tie before. I requested permission to play with it privately first, which you graciously granted. I had thought you might offer to play with me when I asked and received permission to use FC3 and my new toys on Friday night but sadly you did not. I do so miss direct play, My Master. While I enjoy texting and exchanging pictures and videos, nothing compares to being under your direct verbal instruction and your quick and vigorous correction.

You did ask me to send you photos of my play, which I appreciated, since of course, I was excited and who else could I share my explorations with but my Dom? I did a thorough cleanout of FC3, arranged to have some privacy and set up my room with my large mirror, towels, lube and my new anal hook, inflatable and the satisfier. I put on a hot pink quarter cup bra that exposed my nipples and a pair of suspender fishnets with no panties. I admired myself in the mirror and sent you a picture of my set up, then pulled out my Slave plug. I was aroused already by setting up; I enjoy the preparation phase and you had been edging me throughout the day while having me stare at an image of a beautiful naked man, fully erect, kissing a white woman while getting his dick sucked by a black woman who was staring up at him adoringly. I was texting you on and off throughout this play and you were responding pretty quickly, which really increased the fun for me.

I started by lubing up and inserting the inflatable into FC3. It was a little tricky to get the soft, floppy, slippery balloon-like dildo in place and I giggled trying to slide it in there unsuccessfully, but eventually I seated it and began pumping it up. The sensation was unique in that it doesn’t stretch FC3 open but rather fills the rectum and puts pressure on it. I pumped it up pretty high to see what I could tolerate and explore the sensation. You gave me permission to play with my aching clit and try to orgasm with it in but it did start to get uncomfortable which was distracting to me and you suggested letting it deflate a bit, which made it more pleasureable to me again. I loved how it looked plugged in FC3, with the hose coming out and my pink, wet FC2 beneath. I watched myself in the mirror, on my hands and knees, ass stuffed and stretched full and my fingers stroking my slippery folds, dipping in and out of FC2. I sent you this image and you told me to fuck FC3. I smiled and retrieved the dildo you suggested I use, removed the inflatable, which slipped out easily once deflated and started fucking your Property in its open, lubed up FC3, pushing the dildo in and out rhythmically while watching myself in the mirror and moaning in pleasure. I love seeing a woman get fucked in the ass, including myself, My Master.

The dildo I chose has lots of texture and the sensation of FC3 being stretched open again and again, with all the little nubs and grooves running over the sensitive, tight hole were maddeningly pleasurable. I wanted to cum just from how well I was fucking your FC3 but you had not given permission. I sent you a message thanking you for letting me use your fuck cunt and asking permission to have an anal orgasm, along with video of my activities. You granted me permission to cum twice, the first orgasm ripped through me as soon as I read the message and the second not far behind as I put the dildo on the ground and bounced up and down on it, slamming it deeply inside as I rode it until I came again so hard, feeling FC2 clenching and spasming in response to the rough abuse of FC3. I laughed in delight as I reached down and felt how dripping wet FC2 was, pussy juice covering my hand like snail slime.

Next, it was time for the hook. I have been preoccupied with using an anal hook since you first showed me an image of one months ago. Something I never even knew existed before you and certainly never would have had the courage to try. Look how far you have taken me, My Master! Initially hooks frightened me and excited me with the brutal way they look. Now I am definitely more excited by them than frightened although there is an element of humiliation (meat hook imagery) I appreciated and enjoy. And you know I love anal use, so it is no surprise that this toy is something I have been looking forward to trying. This one is a cheap thing, aluminum and light and with two exchangable head sizes for the ball at the end of the hook. I had showed it to you with the balls in the palm of my hand for reference and we agreed that the small one would be manageable for your FC3.

After the previous rigorous use, FC3 was well opened and after applying a little more lube, the hook slipped right in easily. I loved seeing FC3 stretch open to accept it and how it looked snug in between my round buttocks. It felt so good and I loved the way it pulled at FC3 when I moved. I had my shibari rope and fashioned a sloppy harness with it to hold the hook against my waist. I sent you pics and you expressed approval, then had me kneel and recite my Loyalty Mantra while staring into my own eyes in the mirror. Then you led me through some questions, reminding me that I was your Slave Property, that I was only to be used by yourself, my husband and my approved play partner/s (approved by you) and making me cum while I watched myself, kneeling and hooked. I put some clothing on top, a pair of jean shorts and a loose open neck sweater you had recently chosen for me and took pictures which I posted online for my own amusement, with no mention of the fact that I was secretly wearing the hook and harness underneath. You know how I love to feel like a naughty girl with a dirty secret, My Master.

The next day I was preparing to go shopping, and as is my habit (? rule), I texted to let you know, in case you had any Task you wanted me to do on the trip. You often use these shopping trips as convenient times for Public play, by having your FC2 and/or 3 stuffed with vibes, weights or dildos and giving me public orgasms or other tasks (kneeling, touching myself subtly etc). I enjoy this immensely and was not surprised at all when you told me I was going to take a “hook stroll” that day. I pulled out my Slave plug, lubed and inserted the hook again, this time attaching it to a slim leather belt to avoid a bulky rope harness under my clothing. I threaded the belt through the front loops of my jeans and threw on a modest cardigan. I sent you a pic of my work and you approved, telling me to post a pic of your hooked FC3 on Fet as a show of obedience which I immediately did.

FC3 was a bit sore and I had the belt tight, pulling hard on it so that it became quite painful by the time I entered the store. I was grimacing and struggling to remember my shopping list while enduring the humiliation and discomfort. I was surprised because I had not found the hook very painful the night prior but I realized that if I loosened the belt a bit, it became far more tolerable and even pleasurable again at times although mixed with pain from my now sore and tender FC3. I started texting with you in the store and you immediately began giving me commands to cum. Again and again you ordered me to orgasm while I walked around the store, feeling the hook shifting and pulling inside me, feeling the wetness begin to drip out of FC2 and soaking into my thong. I tried to hide what was happening as the store was busy and crowded. Men were watching me, chatting with me, in my tight jeans and low cut peasant blouse despite the modest cardigan on top. I felt tortured as every time you made me cum, FC2 and 3 would clench down, thus increasing the pain. Yet I was so aroused that I wanted more orgasms despite it. I felt frantic and slipping into subspace. I texted you and you took me farther, reminding me of my position in life and contrasting it with my current situation of a pathetic fuck puppet, hooked and cumming in her panties in public at her Master’s command. You had me rub my hooked ass against my cart for a count of 15, which I did, while a middle aged man twenty feet away looked for vitamins, feeling it moving up and down, wiggling in the sore, abused, stretched hole, so sensitive now to even the tiniest sensations. When you texted that I was your Slave and always being trained by you, My Master, it just catapulted me right into subspace and I had an intense impulse to kneel in obedience and service. You had me do so, briefly but correctly, on the hard tiles of the store and you made me cum a final time like that, completely at your mercy and consumed. When I got home, I sent you a picture of my soaked through panties and you called me a Slut. The next morning you thoughtfully asked how FC3 was feeling and if I had slept well. You are so wonderful, My Master. I don’t want anyone or anything else. How can you know so well what I need? You are just right for me.

Weekly Update 9/6/20-9/13/20

Posted on by Avertas

I think it is becoming too strong, My Master

You need space and freedom

“No such thing, My Pet.”

I need to not make myself vulnerable to too much emotional suffering in response to your normal and healthy needs

I am being unrealistic, which is unlike me, My Master

And I apologize for that

“I have too much space…..Freedom is also not a reality for the next few months”

I am not asking to leave your service, My Master

It is not time for that

Your happiness is my goal, My Master

***Master attempts to call***

I can’t talk to you right now, My Master

Please just consider it, My Lord

…..

Do you feel that you understand why I am asking for this, My Master?

“Yes.

Personal and emotional self-protetion.

As I have become something that you never intended but hoped for”

Yes, My Master

“What are you”

I am your Property, My Master

“Good girl

And…

….”

I don’t know what you want me to say, My Master

I am just stuck and I see no way out

Hard Truths

This has been a difficult week for your Slave, My Master. I have been supporting various friends emotionally through crisis, working my busy, full time job, followed up with my surgeon who cleared me for more intense exercise, which I have begun and of course, my responsibilities for my household and my family. These are the normal responsibilities I carry along with my service to you. I am an energetic and strong person and can usually meet the needs of everyone consistently if not gracefully, but this week there were added emotional struggles that overwhelmed me at times. At least two days this week I struggled with significant depressed mood, frequent tearfulness, irritability, and urges to flee from and avoid you, my Tasks and my other duties to work, husband and family. I fantasized about living alone, doing as I pleased, having a freedom I will never have in this life to seek amusement, pleasure, connection, knowledge in my own way and with whomever I chose. Of course, I would never act on such dreams. I am so loved and needed by everyone. I have made myself such beautiful golden chains, My Master.

In response to my mood, I reached out to my friend/former lover, who has been chatting with me quite a bit recently, asking to meet me again, which you did give permission for us to see each other platonically. He agreed to that, however did text me yesterday morning that he was horny and thinking of me drinking his cum, so I’m less confident that he will adhere to the “platonic” aspect of resuming contact. In any case, I told I was feeling depressed and he launched into a long and supportive text conversation reminding me that I have the perfect life. That I’m well off and beautiful with a loving family and a rewarding job. That he has met very few people like me etc etc, blah blah blah. Of course you know that this did absolutely nothing other than add feeling guilty to being depressed, My Master. Guilty that I dare to be less than content and fulfilled with such an abundance around me. But even it is greedy and selfish of me, the truth is that I am not fulfilled. I often do not feel cherished and loved. I am suspicious that others use me for their own purposes. I don’t think that anyone really understands me or cares about me. I don’t trust others and don’t want to share with them my emotional suffering.

Some of what has made me more insecure this week is that you began discussing taking on a 24/7 submissive upon return to home. Intellectually and rationally I am fully in support of you having a girl friend and primary sub. You are single and it is natural and normal for you to want to have a companion and lover to be with every day. It cannot be me because I have other roles to play at this time in my life. So I am left in limbo, knowing that I long to serve you, to explore with you, to deepen our connection even further, but also knowing that I am unlikely to have that opportunity as obviously, anyone who is lucky enough to be in that role will demand the position of first for your attention, affection, time and connection, as they should. And that is said without a hint of anger or resentment, My Master. I truly want you to be happy. You are an amazing Dom and man and should have a primary submissive who can be what you need and deserve. You should be free to explore that dynamic and grow without me in the way complicating things for you.

My feelings are intense and conflicted at this point, My Master. I don’t want to leave you, I want every second I can have at your feet. But I am not a robot or made of stone. Quite the contrary, I am an emotional person, empathic and responsive. I have thought of perhaps taking another play partner as a way to distract myself and perhaps lessen my dependence on you. I thought of pulling back in my frequency of communication to you, sort of cooling off and giving you more space, but I doubt I could follow through with it. The second you asked for me, I will be at your command. The second you say, kneel, I drop to my knees. The second you say, cum, I feel waves of pleasure spreading from your clit. I am your Property, My Master.

I am troubled and anxious and uncertain of the future. I do not like feeling like this and these are not emotions I have much experience with. My natural instinct is always toward action, but there is no action for me here other than to wait and see and hope and try to believe you when you say that you have chosen me and we will find a way. You know I am preparing myself to lose you. I have been preparing myself for that from the beginning, I suppose. The more I care for you, the more I let you in, the more I submit to you and rest under your authority and control, the greater the pain that awaits me. I am chiseling away at the boulder that will crush me someday. It doesn’t matter though, My Master. Probably in the long run it will be good for me to be crushed and hardened. I am such a stupid Mutt to ruin things with useless feelings, My Wolf. I will strive to get myself under control, stay in the moment, learn from you and enjoy the time you are able to give me, My Master. That is one of the hard lessons I need to learn. I am not going to be able to have everything I want and that is okay. It is also okay for me to privately mourn for that which is not possible but for which I will always long.

Weekly Update 8/31/20-9/6/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good Morning, Slave,

How is my property feeling this morning?”

Much better after actually sleeping eight hours, My Master

Thank you for sending me to bed 🙂

“Was she obedient last night and went bed as instructed?”

Yes My Master and I slept really well, thank you

“Of course

How did that make you feel?”

A little silly bc obviously I knew I needed to go to bed early, My Master

But at the same time…

“Knowing and Doing are drastically different things”

It did force me to actually do it and not just goof around and get distracted, My Master

Bc I probably would have gone to bed around 1130 on my own, My Master

And I felt cared about

By you

Bc you were paying attention to me and helping me take better care of your Property, My Master

“Cum, My Pathetic Property”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“My Property to Use”

Yes, My Master, use, abuse, shape, punish, reward

As you have already begun, My Master

I wonder if it will be even better in person

It’s going to be intense, My Master

I can’t wait

“You will be much better at begging in person, my fuck toy”

I have no doubt that I will be motivated to beg as I have never been before, My Master

Bc no one has ever treated me the way that you do

And no one else is allowed to, My Wolf

But you may push me to the limit

I am yours, My Lord

Influence, Dominance, Control

So insidious are your ways, My Master. Even your tenderness has an edge hiding in it somewhere…this week you ever so subtly expanded your control over me. I’m such a visual person; in my mind when I give over something to your control it’s like a soft grey blanket that creeps over the landscape of my life, slowly covering more and more under your influence. Warm and quiet and soft in those areas of my life under that blanket, because I no longer have to try so hard there. In those parts of my life I can rest now. You will decide and tell me what to do. All I have to do is listen and obey. It feels so good and yet, it frightens me at times, how I keep falling deeper into submission to you, how I keep welcoming it.

First you told me that you wanted me to pick up some quarter cup bras to wear when I am with you. Bras that would leave the breasts pushed up but with nipples uncovered and visible beneath my clothing. Of course, I agreed, but told you I had to wait until my bra size stabilized after my recent surgical upgrades. Then you began sending me images of women in specific outfits. Dresses that unzipped down their entire length, either in the front or the back, wrap dresses held together with a single tie, backless body suites that would have to be worn braless, low cut, surplice tops that open easily to the waist, blouses made of sheer materials, crop tops tied on by only thin straps, skin tight leather pants. Of course, I quickly realized the goals of this project and, like a good Slave, I happily found dresses and blouses online and sent them to you for your approval before purchasing them.

I am sure you know that I love this new element of being dressed like your doll. I love clothing and fashion and looking beautiful. I love feeling like an object, a treasured, decorated, OWNED object. The clothing you have picked is so provocative. I love the thought of the jealous, hateful glares of the women, who will be thinking “That Slut, she’s too old to be dressed like that; she just wants attention”. I love the thought of the men who will watch my every move with hunger in their eyes, turning their heads to watch me pass, trying to hide it from their wives and girlfriends, shifting in their seats as they notice my hard nipples pushing against the thin, light fabric of the blouse you have chosen. But most of all I love the thought of your hand on the small of my back guiding me, your amused smirk at the reaction I create, the firm grip of your hand on my wrist as you lead me, your dark eyes leaving me with only confidence that if this is how you wish me to look, then that is the right and best way, of course. That whatever beauty I have to offer is yours to claim and to display at your pleasure.

And the excitement of not knowing how you will use your Property, made so enticing and so easily exposed at your command. You might have me pinch and twist my nipples before we leave the car, to make sure they are hard and noticeable. How easily it will be to have me open my blouse and expose my breasts for you at a book store or park. You could slide one hand inside my wrap dress and stroke your FC2 while we wait in a quiet booth for a late lunch. You could unzip my dress and leave me in just heels and thigh highs in the back row of a movie theatre and force me to stay like that, open, exposed. Or force me to get on my hands and knees on the dirty floor with my dress opened so you could rest your legs for a bit. You could plug your FC3 with a hook tied to my waist and bring me to a gas station in the late hours of the night, leaving enough exposed above the waist band of my skirt that those who know about such things would understand what had been done to me and what I am. I am your Property, My Master, your three hole, fuck cunt playground. I am your Slave.

You have also discussed more permanent decoration and marking of your Slave, including a small tattoo or a piercing with tags indicating my status. I am not particularly interested in tattoos but find the idea of a piercing more intriguing. You have asked me to look up and consider a piercing of FC2 at some point in the future. Personally, I would prefer a piercing of the inner labia, which looks attractive and would not interfere with or exaggerate my sexual sensations. It would be intensely erotic for me to be tagged in such a way with your initials, the word “Slave” or “Owned” or similar. Of course, my body is not just used by you, My Master and as such, there would have to be a discussion with my husband about his thoughts and feelings about such a change. It is delicate work being so strongly connected to two such different men.

You have also begun to gently explore controlling other aspects of my life. In the past you have tried to limit how much time I spend at work, which is interesting but difficult as I don’t have a lot of control over problems which can arise at work and have to be dealt with regardless of the time. This week you gave me a firm time I needed to be off of the internet and a bedtime after a rough week of little sleep due to illness, work duties and insomnia. It did help me to have that external requirement to guide me as I am obedient to you in all things. I appreciated you checking in on how I felt about it the next morning. I felt a little demeaned and childish, a little cared for and a lot grateful for your help. As usual, your response was to claim the whole thing and tell me that henceforth, you would be giving me bedtimes on “schoolnights” to help make sure your Property wasn’t staying up too late, a habit that has given you some concern in the past. This pattern is so typical to you, My Master that I wasn’t even surprised. You often take a little bite of something, see if we like it and then, if I do, you grab the whole cake without a seconds hesitation. I love that boldness about you, My Master; I find that confidence very appealing.

A Test

I have a former lover, now friend, who I dated last fall, prior to ever meeting you, My Master. You are aware of him and knew that we continued to communicate through text. This relationship was one of my first outside of my marriage and this man became very attached to me. So much so that he admitted he had come to both “love and hate me” because he had to accept that he would never be able to fully have me as his primary partner. He is an intense and emotional person, a romantic and going through a difficult time in his personal life. He pulled back on the sexual and romantic aspects of our relationship, which I understood and accepted and we remained friends. Despite the end of quarentine, we have not met again in real life, although continue to update each other on our life events, chatting about our children, our work and our various relationships. He finds my lifestyle fascinating and struggles to understand how my husband can allow me the freedom he does. This man is aware of our relationship and that I would need approval from you to see him again, which he finds bizarre. He is vanilla, although has a dominant personality and is sexually dominant. He is one of the reasons I realized I enjoy being dominated, actually.

Over the past few months he has intermittently dropped hints about wanting to take me out again, both to see me and to have sex. He has admitted that I surprised him with my sexual energy and drive and he misses my attention, humor and affection. I have never approached you about seeing him again because I did not want to upset you or cause distress and drama in our relationship. It was not worth it to me and I have focused all my energy on proving to you my dedication and rebuilding your trust in me, My Master. I continually put him off despite him asking if I had talked to you about it and “gotten a permission slip” as he puts it. The other night he texted me late. I knew he had been drinking and was lonely and probably depressed. He was very open about my being one of the most important people in his life right now, someone he feels he can trust. He misses me and doesn’t understand why we can’t meet. I reminded him of what had happened in my relationship with you when I had taken another play partner and that I was being very careful. He offered to just meet as friends, reassuring me that he could control himself. And that is true, My Master, he has excellent self control when he wants to.

So I have finally approached you about it and you were surprised that I had delayed it for so long. I explained that I had done so because at times I find your reactions to my outside relationships unpredictable. It’s very important to me that I not do anything, even accidentally, that upsets you or takes us backwards in terms of the trust and repair we have made in the past several months. Especially as we both begin getting ready to finally meet in person. You were surprised by the term “unpredictable” but that is how I feel. I have mixed messages from you about other men. You want them to look at me and desire me but at the same time you call me an attention whore and a flirt. You want me to make friends in the lifestyle but you become anxious that I might seduce them or disobey you. You remind me “FBNF”, “Forgiven but not Forgotten”, in reference to my past failings. Of course, I am going to be reluctant to bring you my struggles and worries about the desires and demands of other men, My Master. I don’t want to do anything that might make you uncertain or anxious about my dedication to you as your Slave.

All this has been on my mind at the same time, I felt like I was being cruel and rude to my friend. So I finally felt forced into the position of asking you for guidance about what I should do next or risk really losing this friendship. You have graciously given me permission to see him again, strictly platonically, which is fine with me. I know that you will be watching me like a hawk to ensure that I don’t slip into any inappropriate behaviors with this man and I understand and accept why. I know he won’t understand the difficulties he is putting me through, and I am sure much of our conversation when we meet again will be trying to explain to him why I kneel to you and allow these restrictions. Of course I don’t need to explain those things to myself or to you. I know to my core how much you bring to my life. The pleasure, peace, excitement, challenge and understanding that I cannot get from anyone else. You are a rare and unique man and I am so happy being your Pet, your P.S.S. I promise that I will not be tempted away from my happy place, My Master. I would rather be here at your feet than anyplace else in the world.

Weekly Update 8/24/20-8/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I know you will love to see me crawling and crying and begging you to let me cum, My Master

“Mmmmm

Begging for her Owner to use his Property”

Yes, not so pretty and polished then

“Begging to hump his foot just for a sample of her Lord”

The real me, Slave *Real Name*

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I want you so bad, My Master

This longing is terrible

“It’s lovely

Builds

Pet”

“Have you ever longed for another like this?”

Never, My Master

I have always just been in the moment and taken what I wanted

Or induced someone to take me, My Master

“And, now this situation”

It’s crazy and wonderful, My Master

“Just like sitting on command like a good mutt.

O

I mean cumming on command”

You want to hear a secret, My Master?

“Only if you want to share it”

Sometimes I get scared that as much as I hate this distance, this will be the best part

Bc this is really good

And I feel like things will get so complicated

“Is that a secret

Or

A secret fear”

A secret fear, My Master

…………………….

“Kneel”

Yes, My Master

“Back strait.

Tits out.”

“What are you?”

“Cum”

“….waiting”

I am your Property, My Master

“Who are you?”

“Cum”

I am Slave *Real Name*

“What is your purpose?

“Cum”

To serve you, My Master

“Good girl

Then let go of your fear”

Yes, My Master

“I am.

Who I am”

“Your Master

Your Owner

Your User”

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasms, My Master

“Go to bed.

Sleep and rest”

Claimed

When you say that I have always been a Slave, that I just didn’t know it, that I hadn’t met you, My Owner, yet. I sigh and roll my eyes and yet a little part of me loves it. I am a practical woman, a woman of action, decision and problem solving. I am not prone to daydreams, nor do I believe in mystical powers, eternal connections or deities of any type. The idea of belonging to you before I even knew you is a romantic one. I admit it makes me smile and think you are ridiculous and yet also I love to hear you say it.

This week you were approached again by a local Dom on Fet, seeking my assistance with his rambunctious young Sub. He had also messaged me, asking if he had gotten me in trouble by approaching me initially (he had not, of course as this was prior to putting up the announcement that all inquiries as to my potential use were to go directly to my Owner). I informed him that as an Owned Slave it was proper for him to address My Master about my use, rather than myself directly. It gave me a dirty thrill to write those words. That little cringey, subby feeling that I get when I do or say something particularly “Slave”, especially if it comes from something I am doing or chosing to do myself without your direct instruction. Enslaving myself, I guess you would say. Truly embracing my Slave nature.

For example, the other day, we had been texting after work and I told you I was going into the store to grab a few things, knowing that sometimes you give me Tasks to do there. You were surprised and pleased (perhaps?) that I had done so, pointing out that it was Slave behavior, to check if My Master wanted to use me for his amusement in my day to day life. More and more I am drawn to such behavior, My Master. It goes against all the qualities I champion as an independent, professional, highly educated woman who did not look to her father for guidance and sees her husband as her equal. It is subversive, old fashioned, traditional, something a weak willed, pathetic little girl would do, right, My Master? Look for guidance, seek help, ask for attention, offer herself to be played with. Naughty, naughty…and it turns me on like crazy.

In response to the request for permission to use your Slave by the other Dom (which I assume was denied, as I heard nothing more about it), you casually announced I should change my name on Fet. I had been humbled in the past after breaking your rules by changing my name to one reflecting my lowered status. Now I was to be claimed and recognized. You told me that my devotion was such that you felt ready to make such a change. Of course I was thrilled to be so named and symbolically exonerated (Forgiven but never Forgotten, I remember, My Master). I promise to be worthy of such a gesture, My Master. To continue to demonstrate my devotion and adoration of you through all the ways available to me now to amuse, seduce, flatter and please you and most importantly, to honor your title as my Lord and Master through my honesty, loyalty and obedience.

Gratitude for My Master

I will limit my discussion of the issues occurring in my marriage right now out of respect for privacy but I do want to acknowledge that over the past week I have experienced some challenges in this important relationship. Initially I attributed these to a reaction to my growing identity as a Slave and the coming changes in the next few months as we will be finally together, My Master. But after a lot of communication, I now know that the situation is more personal and complex than that. In the process of working through these issues, I appreciate your support, My Master. Your reminders to stay true to my own path and honor my needs were respectful and needed. In the process of working on my other relationship, I realized how much help and guidance you have given me over the past six months and how much work, time and commitment that takes. It is a major undertaking and one for which I will always be grateful to you, My Lord. You are my first Master and you have shaped me immensely, much for the better, in my opinion.

You have opened my mind to many new sexual ideas and kinks that before felt too scary or gross to acknowledge my interest. You have gently banished prudery and helped me process shame. You have pushed my limits time and time again (and I know that this is only the tip of the iceberg!). You have taken the time and mental energy to build an intense psychological connection between us, so that I, despite my independence and personal authority, look to you now in times of uncertainty. You have inspired me with your experience and knowledge and I have handed over control of many of my sexual behaviors to you. You have put me on my knees and taught me to serve, both physically and mentally. More and more you are also showing me some tenderness, concern for my health, my sleep, my self care. You gave me a Mantra to focus me during this time and that was very meaningful to me.

In my conversation with my partner, I actually said out loud, “I am so lucky, because I have *Your Real Name* to help me”. I am a lucky girl because everyday I get to be your Pathetic Slut Slave.

Personal Health Mantra

It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!

MY whole self Needs are equally important.

I will work in union with those I love to find solutions that respect my needs and desires.

Weekly Update 8/16/20-8/23/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Whattttttttt are you?”

Your Property, My Master

“Check your email”

(New Mantras for Identify, Loyalty and Grounding from My Master)

Thank you, My Master

I just read them all out loud to myself in the car

“And….”

I loved Grounding and Loyalty, My Master

I will need to get used to the changes you made in the Identify Mantras, My Master

They surprised me

“O”

I assure you My Master that I am not lying to you or seeking outside relationships

Other than being on the lookout for potential women for us to play with or a potential gf for you, as instructed, My Wolf

I understand from your words that is clearly a concern and I will accept these Mantras, My Master

I am on my knees for YOU

I seek attention from YOU

Yes, I tease and attract but that is just a game, My Master

It is not serious and I follow your restrictions happily

You have my heart and mind, My Master

My body is your Property

“Pet,

You are an attention slut.

And, by your own disclosure, when people flirt….

You could easily drift.”

“Yes.

It is”

“I am an Open minded Owner.

I don’t mind if my Mutt holds her own leash at times.

Review and send me SUGGESTED Modification to the mantras”

No, My Master

I will take these Mantras as they stand, My Lord

Until YOU are ready to soften them

Bc YOU believe that I am true to you

I already know it

But it will not hurt me to be reminded of the potential for weakness, My Master

“Master doesn’t want to HARM his property.

Use and abuse, sure…”

Your doubt does not harm me, My Wolf

It saddens me

It frustrates me

But I will earn your trust, My Lord

Deepening

It has been a busy week. I have struggled to start this blog entry, not sure how to tie together the many things we have been discussing and planning together, My Wolf. On a broader level, I guess that reflects how well and frequently we are communicating now. We have made great progress over the past few weeks and I feel strongly connected, more confident in my submission and even more excited about the future as I become less anxious that you will abandon me upon returning home. You have been open about your thoughts for organizing your relationships with me and others and I appreciate that transparency. You have continued to connect me with others in your life and the Lifestyle in general, having me chat on line with previous and current playmates/subs this week. I do find it challenging to understand what tone to take with these women as I don’t want to look like a fool because I don’t know the backstory of your relationship with them, nor do I want to overstep accidentally as I don’t know what your thoughts are on what their role might be in your life.

In response to some of these concerns, we spoke over the phone this week for the first time in a long time. I have recently purchased a beautiful new car and you have been helping me celebrate with various fun and kinky tasks. We talked in the car in a secluded parking lot of a local park, ironically the same one where we talked after I broke your trust with my Play Partner. That time it was raining and I wept through the entire conversation. This time it was a beautiful, hot summer night and there were no tears, but instead attention, connection, humor, trust, release, honesty and pleasure. You had me bring a wand, of course and led your Property through orgasm after orgasm, as you know so well how to do. Again and again you asked me what I am, who I am. Again and again I answered, I am your Property, I am your Slave as the pressure built, as the climax ripped through me, I yelled it, “I am YOUR SLAVE”. I am blushing and smiling now, to think of it.

Beyond the play, however, My Master, which is always excellent with you, was the sense of ease we have arrived at. I hope you felt it too. Not disrespectful, not dismissive of the dynamic between us, but I think reflecting that both of us are letting our walls down slowly and also understanding each other. The fact that we can enjoy just talking together, laughing and comfortable, that gives me great hope for the future too. We work well together outside of the purely sexual/BDSM realm and that will make some of our plans for traveling together and other adventures more pleasant for both of us. You are an intelligent, open minded and articulate man and I enjoy your company when I am seated by your side as much as when I am on my knees.

I also returned to work this week, which was surprisingly physically challenging for me after the surgery. My work is not physically difficult but mentally requires attention to detail, careful decision making, strong emotional control and leadership. While I have been up and about for some time now, I had been taking a rest in the afternoon, obviously not possible at work. I am impatient with weakness in myself and frustrated by being slower and more easily fatigued than usual. You are well aware of this tendency in myself and have been keeping a close eye on my activity level, encouraging me to rest, adapting Tasks to reduce the stress on me and chiding me gently for not getting enough sleep. You charge me with taking good care of your Property, which motivates me more than my own discomfort. Many experiences in my life have reinforced my fatigue or discomfort as being of little consequence and to be ignored in favor of getting work done and meeting the needs of others. This training, both implicit and explicitly reinforced by my profession and motherhood, has helped me be successful in life, but at the cost of not always being in tune with my own needs. And in a fucked up way, I take pride in that as well. Being such a work horse and martyr that never breaks, that cannot break without harming those that I carry, that I am responsible for.

With you I feel things are more equal. I care for you, think about you and your needs, take actions to show you my devotion and offer you my attention and thoughts when you want them. I do protect you, My Master, in my own way. In return you lift some responsibility from my shoulders by controlling my sexuality and more and more my relationships outside my marriage. The other night you told me that you are responsible for me, which made me laugh a bit to myself. That will take a long time for me to believe, My Master and require so much trust, for me to truly rest in your Ownership. Ever since I was a young girl, I have felt that there is no protection for me but the protection I provide myself. There is no God watching over me. My parents loved me but, of course, could not stop the world and its terrible and arbitrary cruelty. So I learned young that life is hard and there is no limit on how hard it can become. I am alone in it, and although others may help me, I must be strong enough to persevere and not fall apart no matter what happens next. In subspace, in the throes of overwhelming sensation and sexual oblivion, I am able to let this go and I just exist, floating and open, vulnerable and raw. You will see me then, My Master, my soul shining out of my eyes as you abuse and pleasure the flesh of your Property, more completely than most people in this world will ever know me.

Attention Whore

My new Identify Mantras emphasize your Ownership and my position as worthless, weak willed Property, as is to be expected. However, they also introduced the concept of my being an “attention seeking little girl”, a theme which has become increasingly prominent this week. I am not sure what exactly triggered this change but I have suspicions that it may be related to multiple things. I have been enjoying making playful, cute videos online which have drawn some compliments from others. I was also recently unexpectedly approached by an attractive couple I know online to participate in virtual sex play with them, sexting and watching videos of them performing sex acts for my viewing. Lastly, the dominatrix you are familiar with, whom I had introduced myself to and who indicated an interest in me, came forward with a more solid request for me to join her in a submissive role to dom several young men together.

All of this attention and pursuit has occurred under your watchful eye, My Master, and nothing has been hidden. I have followed all your instructions and restrictions and told you everything communicated between myself and others. I hope that you are able to see the attention and compliments your Property receives as tribute to you as my Owner. I am naturally an extroverted, playful, sexual person, My Master. I enjoy flirting and talking to people. I do enjoy attention and I don’t see that as some terrible or shameful flaw. I think this is one of the traits that actually draws you to me, my curiosity, energy and whole hearted engagement with the world and the people in it. Especially when I am happy and feeling good, I am quite silly and you make me feel that way everyday, My Wolf! I explained to you that you are the target audience for such content and you were surprised which made me sigh and laugh…how do you not understand this, My Master?

I decided to accept the Mantras as they are for several reasons. One, it is extremely important to me that the Mantras come as much from you as possible. I do NOT want to write my own Mantras. They are an important way for you to shape and influence my mind and it would be too easy for both of us to slip into allowing me to write them which undermines our roles. I care less that they are “perfect” and much more that they are from the mind of My Lord. As such, even when they don’t sit well with me, they are useful in that they remind me of what your concerns are, where you see my failings, what you wish me to be attentive to, even if I am less concerned. Perhaps I am over confident, My Master, and certainly, your Pathetic Slut Slave always needs humbling. It is also good for me to practice accepting what I am given by my Lord without criticism or worry about my own desires. Hence why it does me good to be put on my knees as often as you do, so I can bow my head, kiss your feet and remember my place here is not to control but to let go, follow your lead and be grateful you have chosen to put your hand upon me.

Weekly Update 8/8/20-8/15/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Where do you think you would be when with me?”

I think it would depend on many things, My Master

Most importantly where YOU want me to be

“Such as….”

The situation and location, your mood, your wishes and goals for me at the time

“All true

Under…

Kneeling next to….

Under massaging and licking my feet…”

But in my heart I am always at your feet, My Lord

“As is proper.”

“Or melted and adrift if I am unforgiving”

Everything you do effects me, My Master

In one way or another

I am a sensitive person

“And…How much does that scare the crap out of you?

People who feel deeply experience great joy

And also deep hurt

My feelings make me vulnerable and I don’t like that, My Master

So the answer to your question is…a lot, My Master

Healing and Plugged

This week has been quiet, necessitated by my continued semi-invalid state as I recover from surgery. However, as I have slowly healed and my energy has improved I have missed more and more my usual tasks and rituals. You have responded by gradually but gently increasing the simple tasks you have been giving me this week, typically edging or Identify a certain number of times with you telling me in the morning if orgasms are allowed and when. As my orgasms all belong to you, I am used to asking for them, and you have given me a no orgasm day or two this week as well. The last few days I have been wanting more orgasms as I near ovulation and my drive is rising despite the stress of surgery. I was unsure if I had access to my usual “freebies” of two orgasms (unless it is a scheduled no orgasm day of M/W/F). When I asked you today, you told me I did not get any freebies until I returned to work. Its so funny now, that I don’t even think that it is strange to ask you if and when I can orgasm. It has become my “new normal” as you like to say, just like being plugged.

I unplugged right before the surgery. It was strange being unplugged for so long. As I healed I began hoping that you would tell me to plug FC3 again but you were silent on the subject until I finally had to ask when you thought I might be able to be plugged again. You told me noon on Wednesday which ended up being lovely as you were edging me with alternating orgasms on the hour throughout the day. I was home alone at the time and was able to kneel in my quiet, darkened room looking in the mirror. I removed the Njoy from its box, where it had been waiting since the surgery. It is so cold and heavy, such a lovely object. Without hesitation I placed it in my mouth and a shiver of pleasure washed over me. I felt my body sink heavily into Nadu as I sucked gently at your plug, such dirty and regressive act that I find unbelievable soothing and erotic. The smooth surface of the plug and the weight in my mouth felt so familiar and so right, warming quickly in the hot, wetness of FC1.

Finally I pulled it out and holding it at eye level I recited my “Grounding” mantra twice, reminding myself of the importance of always being aware of your feelings, My Master and never acting in a way that harms you or endangers your Ownership of me. Then I dipped the plug in your slippery FC2 for a moment to wet it again and pushed it firmly into your tight FC3. As I had been unplugged for so long, it didn’t pop in as smoothly as it usually does, and I was amused that I had to make a bit of effort to encourage FC3 to spread open and accept your plug. Once it was in place, a deep sense of calm washed over me and I smiled at my reflection in peace and joy. I was plugged again and all was right with the world. I had never felt that I wasn’t Owned this week despite being unplugged so long, but it is a wonderful thing to have the physical sensation as a reminder of my connection to you.

Immediately following the Ritual I remembered I had your permission to have an orgasm. It was perfect timing as I was home alone and already aroused and subby, I pulled out my biggest dildo and the satisfier and went back to the mirror where I put the dildo on the ground and knelt over it while I lowered myself down, filling your FC2 completely. I moaned in pleasure feeling both your holes stuffed at once. I clicked on the satisfier and put it on your clit, the incredible sensations immediately making FC2 even wetter as I began riding up and down the dildo, imagining serving you with another Toy, being allowed by you to kiss her, stroke her hair and breasts, lick and suck her nipples while you watched us play until both of us were dripping with need. I imagined you walking towards us, both kneeling before you and taking your cock out which we would eagerly suck. Imagining our tongues intertwined around your hard cock, I frantically fucked your FC2, bouncing up and down the full length until I came so hard I yelled out loud with pleasure.

You don’t know how badly I want you to be real, My Master. Not perfect, not even the image that I know I have made of you, which is not who you are, I understand that. But I am on my knees to whatever karmic force will listen, begging that the two of us as Master and Slave in real life can be a tenth of what we have imagined together. It has been interesting this week, as you begin discussing buying a property and we talk about birth control requirements and other practical aspects of your return. It is beginning to feel more real, although it is a reality I have trouble trusting. A part of me is still waiting for you to ditch me at the last second which would be devastating. Everything feels so nebulous right now, but I will try to have faith that someday I will feel your heavy hand on my actual flesh and will kneel not to an image, my reflection, a voice on the phone but a real man, My Master, My Lord, My Wolf.

Capture

Posted on by Avertas 
Doubt fills me like a well
I watch my own eyes darkening in the mirror
My heart twisting between the hooks of
yearning and fear

I slip around the corner of your eye, 
the flutter of my pulse, 
the flutter of my hem,
Little panicked lamb
You knew what was in your reach
I let you feel it for one moment
And then I deftly shifted, 
sleight of hand, trick of light, I disappear
Frightened to be caught 
Frightened to be held in your grasp
Yet all I long for
Is my capture

Weekly Update 8/3/20-8/9/20

Posted on by Avertas

“So 100 strokes with Satisfyer and no orgasm?”

Correct, My Master

As Instructed

“Impressed, you have earned freebies

Enjoy”

Well I told you I would be able to

…..

“Wellll..

It seems my Slave DOES have will power when it IS important.”

You are so important to me, My Master

I wish you could forgive my mistake

But I will keep trying to show you how much I regret it and improve

I’ll take my shower now if that’s ok

“Forgive, yes.

Forget, never.”

I understand

Good night, My Master

“Good night, My Treasure”

———————————————————————

Thank you, My Master

Your training is taking effect

“You have a long road ahead of you, My Cunt

Crawling.

Worshiping my body

Cumming on command at parties as you hump my foot or boot”

I am your Property and to be used as pleases you best, My Master

“Good girl”

I put myself in your power to be shaped, used, abused, pleasured but always in service to you

“And, here only a few months ago you did not even believe in Remote Control orgasms

Nor

That you were a slave”

My life has changed so much

It’s not at all what I expected

But here I am

“It is rarely what we expect it to be, My Treasure”

Even so, you draw me like a magnet, My Wolf

Anxiety about the Future; Regret about the Past

At the beginning of the week, before I had my cosmetic surgery, you had me perform one more physical Task for you, a variant of Full, which requires me to fill all your Fuck Cunts at once with dildos for a certain number of strokes, if possible concluding with an orgasm with all the cunts stuffed. This is a technically challenging task and can be unpleasant as you encourage me to practice deep throating with FC1 during it. You have been edging me aggressively for the past few weeks to improve orgasm control amongst other things. To test that control we agreed to add on an extension to the task of 100 strokes in FC3 while using the Satisfier on your clit to see if I would be able to do it without orgasming. You clearly thought I would fail, My Master, while I had complete confidence that I could do it and enjoyed being a little “sassy” to you in response to your doubts. We were texting a bit during the Task and after I announced that I had achieved the goal, I hoped you would take the opportunity to perhaps call me briefly or take over and give me some guided orgasms but you were distracted and did not. I was disappointed because I knew that after the surgery I would not be able to play with you for some time nor had you asked to play with me for weeks, but I took it in stride. I reminded myself that I was a Slave and my pleasures are dependent on my Master’s wishes and so, with no orgasm after fucking all your holes thoroughly I cleaned my toys with a dripping, unsatisfied FC2 and started getting ready to take a shower in preparation for my procedure in the morning.

While I was undressing you texted, and we had the exchange above. I was naked, plug loose in your stretched FC3, clit still aching for release, somewhat anxious and guilty about the surgery in the morning and looking at my body in its current form for the last time, wondering if I was making a mistake, wondering how painful and difficult the recovery would be, how much it would inconvenience my family, if it would be worth the money, if I was selfish and stupid for doing this. Initially, your texts caused their usual schoolgirl rush of happiness and your praise made me smile and glow with pride and pleasure. But then, as has happened so many times, you twisted my hand, that I thought you were holding so gently in your steely grip, bringing me to tears and to my knees with your keen observation of my failings. That little comment about being able to control myself when I thought it was important enough to do so, hit me like a truck. I obviously knew you were referencing my breaking of my promise to you about sex with my play partner. I gently put down the phone and melted to the floor, curled up, quietly sobbing so no one else would hear, feeling like I would never truly be free of your doubt and disdain for that error, that you would always cast that in my face, even when I thought that I had pleased you. How can I defend myself from the truth, My Master? It will always be true that I failed you and I lay open my heart to you to be lashed a thousand times, My Lord, if that gives you solace.

Did you know that you had struck me so hard, My Master? Because we mostly communicate by text, I can still hide my hurts and joys from you. You don’t see the times the phone is flung across the bed in frustration. You don’t see me kiss the screen or sigh in bliss or giggle at your joke or grimace in response to an idea for my future use. You don’t see my eyes fill with tears of regret, of confusion, of despair. I pick and choose still what picture I paint for you of myself. I send only the best selfies and the prettiest outfits. I protect myself, weakly, through these little deceits and masks, even as I continue to tumble happily down the rabbit hole of submission to you. But the time for all this will soon be drawing to an end.

Lately, we have been talking more and more about being together in real life. I have been talking with my therapist about it and everything that may or may not come to pass. I need to start talking to my husband about it at some point, although what to say to him baffles me as I barely know how to counsel myself. I am terrified for the masks to be pulled away. For you to see my true face and to look into your dark eyes and see if you will still claim me. Or if there is nothing between us and it was all words and dreams and I must armor myself again. Even now, I do not know, My Master, if you would have been pleased to see those tears from your comment hitting home, or if you would have been surprised or even concerned. It does not matter so much what your reaction would have been, My Master. The fact that I cannot predict it is what is so telling of my ignorance about you. So much about you remains a mystery and yet I cannot hold myself back from what I want to be, what I must be, WHAT I AM…Your Slave and Property.

Upgrading Property

The surgery was uneventful and strange. I was turned into a patient with a simple costume change and coddled by the jolly nurses while they filled out a thousand forms. My undesirable flesh was carefully measured, groped and marked for destruction by my beautiful surgeon who noted several flaws immediately that she casually planned to correct (my belly button was not midline and my right breast slightly larger than my left). I was reassured by a distant but capable anesthesiologist that he wouldn’t let me die when I let him breathe for me. I climbed willingly onto the surgical table, internally amused as the staff transformed me again, this time from a patient into an object needing repair, gently arranging my passive limbs and beginning to refer to me as if I was no longer there even when I still had my wits about me. But soon the good doctor unexpectedly took my hand gently in his and firmly pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply and, of course, like a good girl, I did.

I dimly recall recovery and driving home through what my husband told me later was a terrible storm. I texted you that evening and told you I was high and itchy and fine. I was wrapped tightly in bindings from my armpits to my hip bones with two clear plastic drains coming out of the bottom and the next two days I focused on sleeping, eating and enduring the usual post operative discomforts while my husband ran the household and kept me fed and hydrated. Two days after, I returned to the clinic and was unwrapped and saw my new body for the first time. While it was definitely swollen, bruised and stitched together, the APRN was pleased with the repair and even I could see the potential for a beautiful outcome in my currently somewhat macerated flesh.

You have been quite gentle with me in this period of recovery, My Master. Even before the procedure you declared that I needed to focus on rest and relieved me of being plugged, my usual Tasks and Rituals even including my morning greeting to you, which is one I have honored since very early in our relationship. You have endured my unusual dullness and lack of availability due to the surgery followed shortly by my restlessness, whining and boredom as I start to feel better and yet not well enough to return to my normal routines and service to you. You can be a patient man, My Lord. When you show your concern for your Property, it also brings me to my knees, not from Fear but from another emotion, even more dangerous and frightening to me. Thank you for your kindness to me, your Pathetic Slut Slave, while I am healing, My Wolf. You know I am eager to serve you through my beloved Rituals and challenging Tasks, be plugged again (soon!), enjoy your naughty games and share in your sexy, dirty day dreams and plans for the future.

Weekly Update 7/27/20-8/2/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Because I would hate to cut my Lamb loose

And worse lose friends over a pathetic cunt”

“Trust and Loyalty are key in my eyes”

I know this very well, My Master

I will not make a mistake, My Lord

“Do NOT test me again, Nor Tempt my friends

If I chose to loan out my cunts, I will

If not, then I will not”

I belong to you, My Wolf

I am in your hands

“I know

And your Weakness has lessened

And your Devotion has increased”

I was just typing that, My Master

The thought of hurting and shaming you like that is terrible

“Perhaps these words should be worked into a Mantra…

You wouldn’t shame me.

I would just End my relationships with all involved parties”

I understand, My Master

I would shame myself

“Consider these feelings you have

Put them to words.

And, I will spin them to my Will”

Loyalty Mantra

My Slut nature is weakness if not used in service to My Lord.

Trust, Loyalty and Obedience are key to My Master and he has trained me well.

I will not give in to weakness.

I will not shame myself.

I will not stray and cause My Wolf to leave me behind.

My actions and behavior will bring honor to him as his chosen Property.

Preparations

This week you edged me mercilessly throughout the beginning of the week. Although you were not as merciless as you could have been as you did allow me to have orgasms intermittently. I know that the intention of such edging is multifactorial. You like to keep me desperate, your FC2 aching and wet, my thoughts churning on erotic and obscene images and waiting for your permission to release. The edging also makes me more accustomed to being aroused without acting to relieve it and improves my self control and internal restraint both physically and mentally.

It becomes clear that you still do not trust your Slave to control herself in situations where I may be tempted to seduce and play with others without your permission. You have been gradually expanding my circle of contacts over the past week or so, allowing me to begin chatting with other friends of yours in the Lifestyle. I understand well the importance of behaving in such a way that I hopefully don’t annoy or overstep with your friends. I also respect that they are under no obligation to help me. I have emphasized clarifying and respecting your limits on my experiences in the Lifestyle, either with them or others.

Sometimes these limits gall me, My Master, I will admit. My husband has stated that he feels badly at times for me because my goal in opening our marriage was (partly at least) for me to explore kinky and sexy opportunities in the Lifestyle. However, instead of doing that, we all went into quarantine following which I find myself a Slave to you and no longer in a position where I am free to try new things or have adventures without your approval and permission which is challenging to obtain as I feel you prefer to oversee my introduction to new experiences yourself. Like so many things, this raises mixed feelings in me. On one hand, I like that you want to train me yourself, which is fitting and proper (as you always say) for an Owner and Master. On the other hand, sometimes I have little faith that any of that will ever come to pass, based on the many disappointments I have had trusting others, and I feel dumb for letting opportunities pass me by. I am not a patient woman and I don’t wait easily. But I am learning and I hope it is worth it. You seem most accepting of my play with other women so I have focused my energy on attempting to find a casual female partner, perhaps a sub, but that is not entirely necessary. Unfortunately, I have not been successful thus far, which is not terribly surprising as I am quite specific, picky perhaps one would say, about my partners.

In a woman I am looking for someone more petite than myself, feminine and ideally not too skinny who is reasonably intelligent, sensual and fun. She doesn’t need to be as smart as me or as kinky. I prefer if she is in another primary relationship because that takes the burden of meeting all her emotional needs off of me. I want my relationship with another woman to be playful, light and sexual. She doesn’t need to be very experienced with women, although it would be refreshing to have a girlfriend who had actually licked a pussy before. But that can be trained…This week I did have date with a woman set up but she ended up ghosting me, to my annoyance. I will keep looking however, although it is an uphill battle. Women get skittish very easily about pursuing their sexual desires in real life. They enjoy the flirting, attention and the texting but when it comes down to really making things happen, my experience is that a lot of them will disappear. I look forward to having a girlfriend again, not just for the sex but also because I miss being able to go out on dates and have fun. I know that I will not get permission to do so with male partners and it bothers me that I am stuck at home alone sometimes. However, that is part and parcel of being a Slave, being restricted from doing everything that you might do if your situation were different. The reward of my sacrifice and obedience is your continued attention and commitment to my growth and development as your submissive and the hope that future experiences in real life will be even more amazing because of the trust and connection we are developing now.

This week has been busy in preparation for a cosmetic surgery I have scheduled for early next week. This is something I have been considering for some time. As I am entering the Lifestyle and anticipate both more casual sexual partners and more public display of my body it has prompted me to move from contemplation to action. I think my body is in fairly good shape currently and I enjoy my muscular yet feminine physique. I work hard at developing my appearance through diet, exercise, grooming and dressing well and yet there are some flaws that I cannot fix without surgical correction. I have found an excellent surgeon and was surprised when I was given a relatively early surgical date to have a tummy tuck and breast lift. So this week I have been scrambling to get work coverage arranged, the necessary blood tests, mammograms, surgical clearance, payment fees etc taken care. I am not too worried about the surgery itself but the recovery is known to be quite painful and slow as it requires extensive healing. I will not be able to work, have sex or exercise, which are my favorite activities, so I anticipate a dull and irritating few weeks of surfing the internet, reading, watching TV and texting my friends. I am pleased at the promptness of the surgery though, in that it will give me more time to heal before you return to play with me and I, of course, hope that you enjoy the improvements made to your Property.

Weekly Update 7/19/20-7/26/20

Posted on by Avertas

“I just read a WONDERFUL TASK for you, Pet”

Oh boy

What do you have in mind, My Master

“Ready”

Yes, My Master

“This will test a few things”

I’m listening

“You will drink 1 gallon of water.

Wear panties.

Wait for 20-30 minutes…Until you have to pee.

I would prefer you go outside and

Then edgex3 Countdowns from 30.

On the last Countdown, you can cum at 15 and again at 0.

(You might want to bring a towel…)”

Shame

Lately I have been thinking a lot about shame. Specifically the shame that I feel not infrequently about my high sexual drive, my Slut nature, my Slave nature and my kinks and the problems these things cause for the people I love. The truth is that when I am able to indulge in these aspects of my self, it feels wonderful and true. I fall into them so naturally and easily when I allow myself to do so. The energy and the flow state I can enter is irresistible to me. I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes it feels like I am channeling the deep feminine sexual energy of the universe, raw and torrential. My partners can feel it too and they respond in a variety of ways depending on personality.

Recent events that have triggered shame in me include being rejected by my female friend after our date last week during which I disclosed that I had an open marriage and was a sub to you. She sent a cool and brief text which stated that she wanted us to remain platonic, followed by some banal, superficial conversation. Internally, I felt again the great divide between myself and the other women I know, who report that they “could never do” all the things that I do quite easily, that I love to do. This difference makes me feel like such a weirdo and a freak. I feel like I ruined that friendship by saying who I really was and sharing my true self. I always worry that once people really know me fully they will be horrified and reject me. To be frank, that’s pretty much what happened. It was so good to talk to you about it and thank you for helping me process these thoughts, My Master. It was great to be able to turn to you for emotional support and for guidance, which in the past I would have been reluctant to ask you for. I sometimes worry that you are so accustomed to kink and BDSM that you fail to realize how shocking many of the ideas and acts you take for granted still are to the vanilla world. You overstepped a few times with me early on and it pushed me away. I feel like that is what happened with my friend. Not to say that I think we ever would have ended up in a relationship, but I think there may have been less damage.

Another time I have felt shame this week was talking to a friend online who is in the Lifestyle. I was discussing my relationship with my husband and how I wish that I could be more “normal” in both my sexual drives and tastes as this would make me a better wife and partner for him. I teared up a bit as I related the struggles I have put us through as a couple that I know he would never have had to face if he had married someone else. My friend told me to celebrate what made me different from other women, to try to see it as a strength, to focus on the positive things it has brought to my marriage like more freedom and excitement for my husband compared to most men. My husband has reassured me multiple times himself that he loves me and accepts me. Maybe I just don’t love and accept myself. Because I don’t feel that way about these aspects of myself sometimes. There are times when I think about just going on some medication that would dull my drive and make me less interested in sex. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen if I keep exploring and empowering these parts of me. They can be so powerful and destructive. I can hurt people; I have hurt you and I am worried that the things I enjoy in BDSM will hurt and disgust my husband, especially as you begin to expose me to new things.

The new task you gave me this week is the first time that we have explored piss play/watersports; a kink I have been curious about. I think it is likely something I will enjoy, particularly when in combination with verbal and physical degradation/humiliation under your control. I don’t recall how I scored piss play in the initial kink assessment you had me do when you were considering me as your sub but I am guessing it was in the “interested but don’t have to have it” category. Maybe it was even lower than that; my openness to kinks and new experiences has increased significantly under your guidance, My Wolf.

As instructed that night, I drank glass after glass of water while chatting online with a Lifestyle friend who knew about the task and was amused by my first attempt. Once I started feeling impulses to use the bathroom, I slipped out of my shorts and tiptoed outside into my suburban back yard. It was late and the neighborhood was peaceful and empty. I was wearing just briefs and a Tshirt. You had instructed me to wear something fuller coverage than my usual g string panty so that I would feel the wetness more on my skin. You instructed me later that if I didn’t wet myself cumming in my panties I was to either stand with my legs together or lay down in the grass and empty my bladder, then stay there for a count of 100, “going over your mantras”. I had brought the required toys out with me for the edging and I found a dark corner of the yard and started playing with your clit, first with my fingers, then with the Satisfier, then with the Focus which creates intense and pinpoint clit stimulation. My bladder was aching and full and with the first orgasm at count fifteen I felt a small splash of urine wetting FC2 and running down my bare legs into the grass. I took a deep breath and kept going…15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8…I was moaning softy and gently moving the focus over your sensitive clit again and again in circles, so close to cumming yet riding the edge as you have trained me to do so carefully. 7-6-5-4, I felt my pelvic muscles straining to hold my bladder while at the same time want to let go completely as the orgasm began to ripple beneath the surface. 3-2-1…a gush of urine as I stood there gasping and cumming harder and harder, feeling the warm liquid soaking into my panties and dripping down my legs. I fell to my knees in the dirty, piss covered grass and felt the mosquitoes begin to bite as the last waves of the orgasm faded. I looked up at the moon and listened to the quiet night, alone in the darkness. I remembered my Mantras and whispered quietly into the warm summer air that I was Slave *real name* and that was owned by Master *real name*. That I was his Property and his Playground. That pleasure and pain was your Right. That this pathetic Cunt belonged to you, regardless if plugged, harnessed or collared.

I felt very young, mildly regressed, a little silly but not upset or distressed by the experience. I cleaned up and changed into dry clothing. I wanted to send you a picture of my wet panties and my legs all covered in the grass marks pressed into them from kneeling but I remember that you told me not to send any pictures this time, to focus on the experience and write about it for you. I laid down and felt even more like a little girl, tired out after a long day but at peace. I curled up in a ball and felt your plug in FC3, always with me, so reassuring and wished I had my wand to vibe it as you allow me to do when I want to relax. Instead I hooked a finger through the loop of the handle and wiggled it gently. If you had been there I would have liked to suck your fingers then. I looked at a picture you had sent me of yourself earlier that day. It was taken at an extremely low angle and you filled the screen, looking down, looming large, the only thing filling the world with nothing but the blue sky behind you…My Lord. I kissed the picture on my phone, laughed a little at myself and went to sleep.

I didn’t feel ashamed while doing the task, but I do anticipate shame about it as people I know are able to read about it in this post, including my husband. I know these are things that confuse and repel most people and it is very hard for me to share them outside of my relationship with you and, of course, whomever you would choose for me to engage with. This kind of task is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t know what I am capable of, but it is more than most. That makes me feel scared and like there is something wrong with me. I love it but I have doubts and trouble accepting it. I am grateful that I have you as my Owner to help me, step by step, in finding my way, showing me things slowly, enjoying and developing the very qualities I find frightening and teaching me how to better contain them so that they are less destructive. The energy you put into my training and discipline, the affection you show me when I have pleased you, the understanding you have of my needs, often better than my own, all bring me to my knees with my mind, heart and body eager to learn and open to your influence and power.