Switchthoughts

Weekly Update 5/11/20-5/18/20

Posted on May 17, 2020May 24, 2020 by Avertas

Rationally, of course, I should not mind but the emotional process of being a submissive/slave is powerful
It is hard to feel like I am being asked to find you a better replacement for myself, (real name)
I am thinking about where my limit is on this and I will let you know
“Good girl
By the way, not a Replacement to you
I will still own you.”

Insecurity

For the first time this week I was unable to cum when you ordered me to do so. This occurred in the context of a few unsettling events in our relationship, at least to me. One, you had me help you with some practical writing tasks, which on one hand was flattering and appreciated as I like when you involve me in your day to day life (something I have been asking for) but also can feel a little exploitative, probably because of my own baggage. I have always been a nerdy academic overachiever and this has made me sensitive to people passing off their work for me to do. I have developed strong boundaries about this in other areas of my life. To be fair however, you did ask and I happily agreed to assist you and the work itself, although a little time consuming, was quite easy for me. I felt like you were truly appreciative of my assistance and I am honored to help you.

Likely more relevant to your Property’s lack of sexual response is that you started talking to me more recently about looking for a new sub/slave/cuckqueen to be your primary relationship. I have been through this before with having an open marriage and in other relationships so I wasn’t surprised to find myself feeling more insecure, anxious and preoccupied with the idea that you were rejecting me for some flaw. Rationally, of course, I completely understand that you desire and deserve to pursue your relationship goals. And I know I can’t meet those needs, nor do I particularly want to try to. But emotionally, it is another matter all together. The process of becoming your Slave has involved intentionally deepening and encouraging my emotional dependence on you, My Master. It has been very effective but it has also made me sensitive to what I perceive as rejection or loss of interest from you, which I think is typical in the submissive position but probably amplified by our relationship being new, long distance and my first time being a formal sub/slave.

You asked me to look over your profile from a dating site and that was the last straw. I have been asked to do similar things for lovers who were looking for primary relationships and even in less intense relationships, I found it painful and threatening. One thing I have learned from polyamory is that I just need to speak my truth and be okay with letting people know where my boundary is whether they understand and agree with it or not. Because things were complicated, my feelings were intense and I was not feeling very connected with you, I asked if we could talk on video chat. When we did, it was helpful although somewhat mixed initially. You seemed to be in a playful mood (perhaps a defense of yours?), which was frustrating as this was something serious to me and I was in my feelings. You also mixed up my real name for some reason, which certainly isn’t reassuring to a woman who is already feeling insecure about her importance to you! However, you did recover from these missteps and we had a good conversation and I felt better at being able to communicate directly with you, explain my problem and be heard. I also appreciated that you chose to have us do so outside the BDSM framework, allowing me to communicate more directly and firmly with you about my limits and needs. After that conversation I felt much calmer and connected. I appreciate that you understand why it is emotionally hard for me to help you find a new primary sub, that you are beginning to tell me about other secondary relationships you currently have and exploring how much information I can/should share with others about our connection to each other. In the future I will continue to seek more direct communication with you when I am feeling unsure about things because I repeatedly find that we do better when we are able to talk in person vs. trying to manage complicated topics over text. I hope that you will do the same, My Master.

As a result of this reassurance and clarification, I find your Property is responding better to your instructions. I also decided to approach you for more clear limits on my interactions with other men online and as I begin again seeking a male play partner. You helped me by letting me know what was acceptable to you in terms of my sexual behaviors (not sharing full nude photos/videos but otherwise able to amuse myself with sexting/saucy pics) and set a limit on the number of people I can engage with in this type of casual playful sexual activity. You also changed my status on Fet, announcing that I was owned by you, which was something I thought I felt neutral on, but I was surprised that it gave me a thrill to see it in “public”. It made it more real and like you were making more of a commitment to this being a true relationship between us.

You have asked me to have a potential play partner approach you first if I desire to make it a physical relationship and that has brought up a mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m nervous that you will scare off potential play partners, not intentionally, but who knows what you will get into your head, My Master. It’s been quite a long time since I had a sexual partner other than my husband and I really hope I can find someone who will be a good fit for my complicated situation. Of course, there’s a part of me that pushes back against your control and wants to be independent in making my own choices about my sex life. However, I felt intensely “owned” when you told me that this man would have to talk to you before he was allowed to fuck your Property. You know how much I like sexual objectification and this entire exchange, although somewhat nerve racking, has also been quite erotic for me. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next, My Master.

Tasks

You have recently told me that you would like to revamp my Tasks and have asked for some feedback on what I like/dislike about my current daily and weekly Tasks.

Things I like in my Tasks: Being asked to think or say things out loud (Mantras), being called “Property” or anything referencing being owned or not in control of my body/mind, Doing tasks while looking in a mirror, Doing tasks in a submissive position (kneeling or lying flat on the ground), Semi public tasks (this one needs negotiating bc I understand it’s hard to know what is okay and what isn’t but I do like playing with this), Being told to wear certain things (daily body harnesses I love but also pearl panties, or no panties, or I have to wear thigh highs, high heels, etc), having to send explicit photographs or videos of my body to you, a brief ritual or mantra around plugging/unplugging FC3 would be nice as that is a daily private moment of submission, orgasm denial/control (demanding certain number of orgasms be completed or none at all), cumming on command (perhaps we can work on strengthening that through play again), detailed tasks (specific amounts of time/counts, multiple instructions, variety of toys), tasks that use all your FC (especially FC3), continued development of tolerance/interest in painful sensations during play, tasks using/involving nJoy plug, being granted reprieve from other tasks while working on special projects (Punishment or Reward tasks), extra challenging tasks for special occasions/events, perhaps some special rewards (like an explicit video of you cumming) for meeting new challenges, an occasional field trip task might be fun (go to the drug store and fuck yourself with a dildo in the bathroom for two minutes etc), I also like the weekly tasks to have titles (Squats, Motherhood etc)

Things I don’t like in my Tasks: Too rigid of a timeline for completion (which you are good about), tasks that take too long as this can become disruptive to my evening routines (understandable for punishment but weekly tasks can also get time consuming and interfere with exercise or time with my husband which is okay occasionally but not frequently), too simple of tasks (perhaps the basic edging task needs an upgrade), prolonged orgasm denial or very stimulating tasks without allowed release, tasks that require me to be unplugged for long periods of time outside of work, tasks that are excessively painful for my level, tasks requesting ATM without cleaning in between, overly frequent daily tasks that disrupt my work day (2-3 brief tasks a day seems good so far)

You gave me a lovely, dirty and challenging task for my birthday earlier this week which was amazing. You titled it “Birthday Gang Bang” which immediately got my interest. You told me to put two clothespins on each breast sandwiching each nipple in between. I was to put the Lush in FC2 and turn it to respond to sound and play music during the task. I was then to put a vibe in FC3 and a dildo in FC1. Then slide forwards and backwards, as if being fucked in a gang bang for forty strokes without orgasm allowed. This was followed by permission to bring myself to orgasm using any means and at climax, remove one clothespin, continuing to build to repeat orgasms until all clothespins were removed. My initial response was excited and pleased but then, of course, you upped the ante by telling me I had to complete this not once but three times (!) over the 24 hours of my birthday. You do demand so much and I love that. I love that your are strict and challenge me. This was a great task, if you look at what I like above, because it was detailed, used all three FC, developed pain tolerance, involved orgasm control but also release at the end and involved an erotic fantasy of mine (MFM threesome). I was feeling a little depressed about my birthday but having twelve kinky orgasms definitely cheered me up. I was so proud of this task I actually talked (bragged) about it to a few friends and they were impressed by the task and also told me that I seemed happy and fulfilled in this relationship with you. Thank you for a great birthday gift, My Master.

Kneeling

Posted on May 10, 2020 by Avertas

A girl at the alter
A Lamb to the slaughter
Dumb and open
To be marked, used, destroyed
Devoured in the Process
As good flesh is intended
May this service please My Lord
He gives and He takes away
The lamb bleats in suffering but no hand is stayed
The grip is firm on the fleece
Thy will be done

Weekly Update 5/4/20-5/10/20

Posted on May 10, 2020 by Avertas

I will not be able to reach that goal, My Master
“You have until WEDNESDAY Midnight to accomplish.
All freebies and tasks are cancelled until then”
I don’t accept this punishment, My Master
“I am Shocked.
You don’t have faith in yourself
Stating defeat without trying”
“It is fair that I be punished, My Master
But I don’t accept an impossible task as punishment”

Punishment Again

Sunday afternoon I broke a rule by accidentally having an orgasm while edging as part of my daily task. It was a no orgasm day. I was edging in my bathroom, using the satisfier on your clit and your plug in FC3 and watching a porn clip on my phone. I was supposed to bring myself almost to orgasm and then a slow count down from 15. I have been working on really pushing the edging right to the brink of orgasm the past week. The satisfier felt so good on your aching clit and I knew I was very close. I got to about ten and I lost control over it. As the pleasure washed over me, I groaned out loud, “Shiittt”, because I already was imagining having to tell you about it and whatever punishment I knew was coming my way. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, just for a second, “You could always not tell; He will never know”. Then shrugging that idea off because one, I have already decided to not play that kind of game with you because it cheats me more than anything. And two, I am so under your power now that it would be uncomfortable for me to lie to you about breaking a rule.

I immediately texted you, feeling annoyed that this had happened as I had been in a wonderful mood earlier in the day and now I knew something unpleasant was coming my way and nobody’s fault but my own. Sometimes you are quite generous and forgiving, so part of me was hoping you might take it easy on me as this was not disobedience, but rather error leading to breaking a rule. Also I thought you might reward me with a lighter punishment because I was so prompt and honest in telling you. I was wrong on both counts. And as I am writing this I can hear you saying, “Why should I reward you for what is EXPECTED of you, Slave Cunt”.

You responded to my announcement with displeasure as expected and gave me a punishment of being immediately unplugged for 24 hours and a new task for overstim and forced orgasms. While I agreed that I needed to be punished and that the overall theme of the punishment was appropriate to the mistake, the initial demand of 15 orgasms in two minutes annoyed me as it seemed ludicrous. I remember thinking, if you just want me to torture myself with overstim for two minutes strait, just ask for that. Don’t make me try for something I can’t achieve. I was sullen and pouty anyway since I had been hoping to be let off the hook and I didn’t like the idea of being set up for failure. You know I have a low tolerance for failure in myself or others. So I decided to reject the initial punishment.

This was my first time trying such a stunt and I had no idea how you would take it. Maybe I would be told to shut up and be a good Slave and do as Master demands or maybe the punishment would be dropped or maybe you would pull us out of our roles and talk to me as a person outside BSDM to see why I was refusing. What you did was respond in a calm and measured way and explore what I thought was unfair about the punishment. You negotiated with me an acceptable expectation (which I still thought was unachievable) of ten orgasms in five minutes with three attempts daily until I either achieved it or I hit the cut off. I was a little sulky at the time when I was feeling angry, childish and wanting to provoke you, although later I appreciated the opportunity to practice negotiating limits with you in a respectful way that did not take us out of our dynamic. You also cancelled all tasks for me until punishment was completed as you wanted punishment to be my focus.

That night, after my household had settled, I told my husband that I needed some time alone and went to my bedroom. I had charged all my toys. I stripped naked, put down a towel, took a deep breath and started. I brought myself to the first intense orgasm relatively quickly and the next two were fairly easy and still pleasurable but then your property started to respond less to the clit stim and the g spot glass dildo I was using. I switched to the wand and turned it up higher, resulting in two more orgasms that were painful spasming with no euphoria or release sensation. I was up to five and almost out of time. Your clit was so tender and sensitive that it was agony to even touch it. I grit my teeth and pushed the buzzing wand against it again, gasping and writhing at the sensation as my legs clamped together in an attempt to escape it. My timer went off and I dropped the wand, already exhausted from my first attempt. Fuck, this is going to suck, I thought as I realized what a task I had ahead of me.

I rested a few minutes and texted you the results of my first try. What I learned the first day of punishment is that the first try is the one where you are most likely to be successful because the second and third try are almost strait torture since your clit was already sensitized and tender. My second and third tries I got generally between five and seven orgasms but they were hard won. I sent you a brief video of me writhing and groaning in bed, panting, mouth open as I attempted to force yet another orgasm from your clit. I continued to update you on my progress by text every day of punishment. I also sent you pics of your soaking wet, swollen FC2, plugged FC3 and clit, or my hand slick with pussy juice. The second night you suggested I try tying my legs open to help, which I did, using scarves and a soft tie from an old dress tied to the legs of my bed. My first pathetic attempt at self restraint. It did help somewhat. This punishment was time consuming, and I often started my evening workouts late in the night with resulting late bedtimes. I was also on my second week of work in a row, meaning I was tired. I was on my cycle leading to some messy and time consuming clean up. All of these excuses meant nothing, I knew and I did not trouble with you them. Punishment is intended to be inconvenient and unpleasant after all.

As I did have to keep disappearing into my bedroom essentially every night, I had to explain to my husband that I was being punished for something. Initially he was satisfied with that vague excuse, although later he became more curious and requested more information. I explained to him that I had broken a rule and what the consequences were. He became anxious when he learned about the level of orgasm control and zero orgasm days, worried that meant you were instructing me about how to respond sexually with him. I gave him lots of reassurance that was not the case and that when we were having sex, I was free to respond naturally, which is true. One of his understandable worries is that our relationship and its power dynamics will interfere with our married sex life. This conversation led to me disclosing more to him about my daily tasks than he had known previously. He seemed surprised at the frequency and intensity of my responsibilities to you. Partly because of these conversations and issues, I approached you about the rest of my normal weekly tasks, Motherhood and Squats which would have to be completed on the remaining evenings of the week as I continued to fail at completing my punishment task. You were very gracious and waived all the rest of my tasks for the week which was deeply appreciated, My Master (although I did find myself missing the edging at work).

Finally Wednesday evening rolled around and I was determined to achieve the goal of ten orgasms in five minutes. I had hit nine a few times so I knew I was close. You gave me permission to use FC3 that night and I decided to try a new approach of going for a softer first orgasm and building up from there. Again I stripped naked, tied my legs to the bed frame, and had my toys to hand. I unplugged FC3 and slid a well lubed vibrator inside it then started the satisfier on your clit. The vibe was buzzing away as I moved it in and out, stretching your hole when the first orgasm hit and I started the timer. I kept going, changing the position of the toys to keep the sensations intense. The orgasms kept building to a large one at four, which had me pulling against the restraints. I checked the timer, still a few minutes left. I knew I could get there. I closed my eyes and put the satisfier on high and pushed it down on your clit. My legs strained against the ties and my mind went nearly blank as my body tried to escape the painfully intense feelings. I got up to seven, then stopped for a few seconds and resumed fucking your FC3 deeply for several strokes while I let your clit recover. Little over a minute left now, I grimaced and tentatively put the satisfied back on, a moan escaped me as I was thrown almost immediately into full body convulsions of agony. But I would not move the toy off your clit and I felt the last few painful spasms rip through me with relief. I went limp and stared at the ceiling. I had done it and I was completely exhausted. I thought about how much I had learned from this punishment; that I could negotiate with you, that you could be reasonable and help me achieve my goal, that I could persist in something and achieve it, even when I though it wasn’t possible, practical experience in self restraint and overstim, discovering an anxiety of my husband’s and addressing it and reinforcement of the importance of adhering to the rules and how seriously you expect me to take them. I felt proud of myself and also silly about that, because who feels proud of something like having ten orgasms while tied to the bed? I guess a Slave does, My Master.

Integration and Disappointments

Last night we were texting late and you brought up a change I have noticed you making lately. You have recently been pairing my true name with the title Slave. You had started with this weeks ago, during play, and it made me nervous right from the beginning. One reason is that I understand the use of my real name to indicate that we are stepping outside the BDSM framework to discuss something. When you pair my name with the title Slave I am unsure about where I am supposed to be responding from, which psychological position.

We have been exploring how and why I keep the separate aspects of my life/personality/personhood apart recently. This partly came up because we were talking about my starting a relationship with the man I had been communicating with throughout quarantine, who completely and unexpectedly ghosted me this week after offering to make and bring me lunch at work. This was a first experience for me and we’ve discussed how it is bringing up the expected feelings of disappointment, anger, embarrassment, insecurity and reluctance to trust others. I can’t help but think about our relationship as there are similarities. What if you did something similar to me after developing this intensity and reliance on you? That would be so painful but I have made myself vulnerable to such suffering by trusting you. I hope I am not making a mistake with you, like I did with this man who completely wasted my time. I will say that with you, even if we never meet, I have learned a lot from experiences with you and that will always have value to me.

So this possibility of a new sexual partner, although now a moot point was the trigger for discussing how to balance the Slut and Slave parts of my life with the other more conventional but equally important roles I play. I was talking about how I would like to work towards integrating some of these roles, although of course, there will always be boundaries and privacy. I want these aspects of myself to feel understood, accepted and internally integrated inside my mind. On some level they are all connected, but just by the deep roots. You asked if we should continue to use my name with the Slave title or if I found it too distressing and although I don’t like it (yet), its fine to continue. It may be even good. When I don’t like something you often push me to explore it more and we find out interesting things. I remain open to physically and emotionally painful experiences as a path toward knowledge. However, I would like us to agree on another way to indicate that we are setting aside the BSDM roles if and when we need to do so. I am not ready yet to give up completely the option to communicate with you as something other than your Slave, My Master.

Weekly Update 4/27/20-5/3/20

Posted on May 3, 2020May 3, 2020 by Avertas

“Look in your review mirror
Stare into your eyes”
Yes, My Master
“Repeat, I am my Master’s Slave. His Property.
He is Respectful of my Limits.
I am his 3 Hole Fuck Slave
Repeat that 10 times, slowly”
Yes, My Master
I have done it my Master
“Is your mind at rest?”
Yes, My Master
Very calm

Hush

I had recently been feeling a little annoyed about a minor thing but I brought it up with you this week. You had me purchase two remote controlled vibrators, delivered several weeks ago and we have not really played with them much. You do like shopping and having lots of options for your creative and devious mind and I am happy to indulge My Master. However, these were somewhat expensive toys and they were sitting in my toy box barely used. I began to think about maybe using them with other lovers so I at least had some experiences with them if you were not interested. I brought this up with you and you took it into consideration. Generally you have asked me to reserve “our” toys from play with my husband and others. I understand and respect this limit. You decided that I could use the Lush (vaginal egg vibrator) with others but that the Hush (butt plug vibrator) was just for us.

This conversation led to you requesting me to be ready to use the Hush one morning before work. You have noticed how much I enjoy the juxtaposition of completing submissive tasks around the edges of my professional work schedule. You had me replace the Njoy with the Hush and once I got to work, you started buzzing it. I was ordered to find a bathroom, but the one I wanted to use was frustratingly occupied for a suspiciously long time. We joked that perhaps someone else was doing a service ritual in there. You kept the Hush buzzing while I wandered about the busy hallways, clacking my heels loudly to cover the possible faint sound of buzzing. Finally I found a private bathroom.

You quickly had me on my knees with my pants pulled down, following your instructions to edge your clit for thirty seconds, then enjoying making me beg to be granted another 30 seconds to play with it. Then you had me pull out the Hush, allowed me to wash it quickly and ordered me to put it in my mouth. It is longer than the Njoy and awkward to have in the mouth. As soon as I sent you the requested pic of it in FH1 you ordered me to cum, which I did, with my head leaning against the cold edge of the sink, your pussy aching, knees on the hard tile, half gagging on the warm butt plug in my mouth which you were still vibrating, making me drool. You reminded me that I was a nasty, plug sucker and when I asked to take it out of my mouth you asked me what I was. Which was (and is) your drooling Pathetic Slut Slave and your Property, of course. After which you ordered me to cum again. And then you asked me to look in the mirror and tell you what else I was. My thoughts at looking at myself in the mirror were so mixed, My Master. I felt strangely proud, of course excited by the risk and the novelty of the experience, flattered and pleased by your attention and creativity, concerned and anxious that I had chosen to get into situation like this. But mostly I fucking loved this outrageous situation and being your slave and doing crazy, fun, sexy things. I was beautifully dressed for work with full make up and heels and I was kneeling in a public bathroom, pants down, body harness in place with a vibrating butt plug in my mouth. I texted you back that I was a crazy motherfucker and you laughed and said “aren’t we all”. Then you reminded me that I’m also a pathetic ass plug sucker and made me cum yet again. Finally you released your slave to work.

The next time we played with the Hush you wanted to start before I went to work. I did request, and was granted, the ability to turn the Hush off while saying goodbye to my family for the day. You had me set it to respond to noise and as I did my makeup and hair I played Spotify playlists and felt the vibrations changing in your ass with each song. I absolutely love the physical sensation and found it so pleasurable I asked your permission to cum. As I had been obedient with my no orgasm day previous I had three “freebie” orgasms available and you told me I could do as I wished with them. I ended up fucking FH2 on the bathroom floor with my suction cup dildo while fingering your clit and with the Hush buzzing in your ass. It felt so fucking fantastic I blew through two of my three orgasms before I even left the house.

That morning I actually stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts to get a coffee and kept the Hush going, smiling sweetly at the lady giving me change; amused at her having no idea your pussy was dripping wet from the sex toy buzzing away inside FH3. The drive to work felt lovely with the Hush buzzing away in tune with the radio. When I pulled into the parking lot you asked me how much time I had left before I had to go into work. You took over control of the Hush at that point and also direct control of me. You had me repeat the above “Mantra” in the first quote out loud to myself ten times while you stimulated your slave’s hole and my colleagues walked past my car sitting in the lot. The look in my own eyes was surprisingly calm, proud and accepting as I repeated that I was your property and your three hole fuck slave. Initially I felt kind of stupid talking to myself but that quickly faded as I felt my mind sinking into a submissive state as I echoed your chosen words. You then had me imagine myself on a leash while I strolled around the block with the Hush buzzing and you reinforced my position as your property, reminding me to stand tall and own my role. You then had me cum standing in the parking lot while a strange man loaded a truck about thirty feet away. I tried to pretend I was looking at my phone while FH3 buzzed and your pussy clenched and dripped at your command. I loved every minute of it.

Playtimes

I enjoyed doing my tasks, both daily edgings and no orgasm days as well as my two more complicated tasks, fucking your Slave’s ass with dildo while doing 120 Squats and “Motherhood”, the task involving edging, mild breast pain with clothespins and ending again with fucking FH3 with clit stim until orgasm. I enjoyed that so much this week that I actually squirted, something rare for me. Saturday night you kindly granted my request for a more extended play session. You told me all the many things I needed, primarily a LOT of dildos and clothespins.

You chose to do voice only and it was so nice hearing your voice again for longer than a brief audio clip. I had changed into a purple crotchless, open cup teddy and lit candles. I had set myself up with towels, sex toys, lube and a large mirror to watch myself. It was a good session, with continued exploring of clothespins and adding more pain with them on the breasts and for the first time on your pussy (which was stuffed with the Lush and a dildo at the time). I did get some time in subspace, right after the first time you ordered me to cum. There was also a level of humor, intimacy and familiarity between us in this session that was pleasing to me. I do feel that you have opened up to me more and are letting me get to know you, sharing some of the things that are happening in your life and respectfully asking for my thoughts on them. This added warmth and connection in our relationship is welcomed and appreciated. You spent a lot of time and energy on me as well and that was deeply appreciated, My Master.

I have decided to use initials for the other men and women in my life when I talk about them in this blog, My Master. You had suggested perhaps I should start a second blog about my “Slut” adventures but other than my dread of having to write even more diary entries I also want to keep my BDSM and other non monogamous sexual experiences less fractured. I consider all of this part of my sexual journey. I think it’s interesting that you suggested I write about them separately, perhaps an unconscious desire on your part to keep a boundary between your relationship with me as your Slave and my experiences and adventures outside of my time with you. But if this body is truly your Property, My Master then you must be at peace with allowing it to be pleasured in your absence. You must grant me that permission to explore and enjoy sex with another man, a dominant man. I don’t think that is easy for you, although you have not forbidden it. My husband is easier because you know our dynamic and our love is not a threat to you. But perhaps this new lover is.

We’re to meet this week and he seems quite interested in me, although he can blow hot and cold at times. Our relationship has been explicitly sexual since the beginning and I won’t lie to you My Master, I do want to have sex with him. I don’t know how much to tell you about it all. I don’t want you to give me too many restrictions, to sabotage this budding relationship with strange demands. But I do want to show you respect, to honor my bond and my obligations to you as your Property, to reassure you that you own me, mind, body and more and more, heart. I want you to feel confident that you can let your Slut play with her toys, mechanical and human, with impunity, just like you grant me freebie orgasms, to keep my hunger slated temporarily, until you can satisfy me completely yourself.

Weekly Update 4/20/20-4/26/20

Posted on April 26, 2020April 26, 2020 by Avertas

It feels so good to me to obey and to be used, be mindless and controlled and open to anything you desire from me, My Master
To feel your hold on me
Both my mind and my body
Your plug is so familiar now, the secret touching of your clit and FH2 through the day as I edge
Wearing a harness beneath my pretty work clothes like the slut that I am, My Master
I am so happy to be in your service, My Lord
You are right that I never would have thought that I would feel it so deeply
That I would be transformed by a relationship like this, especially because you are so far away from me
I find myself longing for the time when I can kneel down to you in person, My Lord

Boundaries

This has been a relatively pleasant and more quiet week compared to last week, which was full of difficult revelations. I completed my tasks for you willingly. This week I was ovulating which makes my sex driving very high and you decided I could not use FH2 for pleasure, but only your clit and FH3. I had been on hormonal birth control in some form or another for my entire adult life as a woman prior to about two years ago. Off of it, I have have perfect cycles and I am much more aware of the changes in my mind and body with my fertility. During ovulation I feel like I could stay in bed and fuck about ten guys in a row, completely insatiable, which is frustrating, distracting and somewhat embarassing. To be so influenced by my body and its ancient commands to procreate. What is interesting is that I tend to get even more male attention when I am ovulating as well, perhaps because of my unconcious behavior and how I present myself, perhaps because they can smell it on me. We are all animals after all.

This week my body harnesses arrived and I began wearing them under my clothing at work. We did a lot of playful boundary pushing at work this week, perhaps as a result of me feeling your hand on me more in that setting than previously. Honestly, that is the environment where I am least comfortable accessing this part of my self and that is a healthy boundary, I think. My work calls for a clear and ready mind. The harnesses are beautiful and I enjoyed sending you pics of them all. I like feeling pretty and desirable. It feels delightfully secret wearing them under my clothes, which I had to pick out carefully to ensure that all the straps were covered and the lines not obvious to observers. I like secrets, they make me feel powerful. I texted you as I was walking into work one morning, your plug in my ass, the pull of the garters of your harness rubbing on my things, walking past my colleagues with a smirk. You responded by ordering me to cum, which I did of course. I happened to be alone in a public elevator at the time, which was a first, leaning against the wall and whimpering slightly in pleasure. You also had me go to the cafeteria during my lunch break and made me cum there with other people in the room. This playing at work feels pleasurable, fun, risky but contained. You are riding right up to the very edge of what I think is acceptable there, as you do with any boundary or limit. It has helped that work has been fairly light this week, giving me some extra time during the day that I won’t always have.

The harnesses are important symbols of my submission to you and I am trying to figure out my boundaries with them and my other relationships. For example, I often send a naughty pic of myself to my new male lover during the day, but I don’t want him to see the harnesses because he is very observant and will ask right away why I am wearing such a thing to work. He knows about you, but very little and has not asked for more information and I don’t want to give him more information either. I take them off when I get home although my husband has seen them and finds them sexy, I don’t like to wear them for him; they are not for him. I don’t wear them if I am helping him practice shibari or in the photographs for Fet that we have been taking of his rope work. I don’t send booty pics with them on to my various casual internet suitors/friends who I sometimes indulge with a saucy picture. I don’t know if this makes me a good or bad sub. I am hiding my submission even in anonymous spaces where it would be acceptable like Fet or online; I am protecting my other relationships from being impacted by this one. Generally I feel incredibly lucky to be able to participate in more than one relationship and have such great men in my life in their various roles to me but it gets complicated and tiring too, constantly thinking about what they need to know and understand about each other and about me. About what each of them needs and expects from me.

Kinky Dreams Vs. Realities

This morning you asked me if I would have a sex chair made and keep it in my house for us to use for play. I figured that was what you were going to ask and I already knew that I was going to say no. We discussed the reasons why already and I won’t go into that further. It was strange to say “No” to you but also kind of good, I think. I do have to consider more that just your wishes, as much as I would like to indulge you in all of them. You have never been married or had children or held a job with a public profile (that I am aware of anyway) so sometimes I wonder if you just think I’m being difficult or overly cautious. I know most of your subs were younger and had lower stakes than me. They were just finding their way in life while I come to you with a fully realized, complicated and successful life and ask you to fit into it and add to it without disrupting the rest of the house of cards. What a challenging request that is. And you have done it beautifully. The place where my slavehood is the most intrusive is obviously my marriage and I feel like that is going fairly well partly thanks to this blog and partly due to my commitment to maintain my primary relationship and my husband’s wonderful acceptance and love for me.

Sometimes you ask me to do things which sound amazingly fun, but are also impractical and would cause a lot of distress in the rest of my life; I have to say no. And that sucks. Right now it often feels like all we have left is dreaming about a better time when we can fulfill our fantasies because the reality is mundane and so restricted by current events, responsibilities and practical limitations. In my fantasies I can play with you in complete freedom, with the only restrictions being my own mind, but in reality, of course, we are bound by much more.

Thank you for respecting that I will sometimes need to say No. I don’t like to disappoint you. As your slave, I assure you that it is an unpleasant feeling for me, since I would much prefer to eagerly grant your requests as a sign of my submission. I did appreciate you respecting that limit and even telling me you won’t bring it up again. It makes me feel safe with you when you listen to me even when you don’t always understand or agree with my choices.

Addendum

Posted on April 20, 2020 by Avertas

“In your mouth with it”

My Master, you rightly pointed out today, after reading my update, that I neglected to include something that happened during our play on Friday night. I was honestly unconscious of omitting it, and even when you reminded me that it had happened, I still had to scroll back through our texts to be sure of what you were referencing. And then my heart sank when I realized what you wanted me to write about.

Because what you had asked me to do, and what I did is very hard for me to discuss. You had told me to unplug and scolded me for questioning you and I was crying. You reassured me I was not being punished and told me to finish my task and I sent you a picture of the njoy plug on the floor after I pulled it out of your FH3. As soon as I sent that picture I knew immediately what you were going to tell me to do next. I felt panic because I knew you were going to tell me to put it in my mouth and I just…can’t. And I was right, you told me to put it in my mouth.

I looked at the text and I looked at the plug and thought, if it’s clean I think I can do it. So I asked permission to wash it and you said yes (oh, thank you, My Master for that). So I washed it quickly with hot, soapy water in my bathroom and then I put it in my mouth. It was surprisingly heavy and hard to hold in my mouth. You told me to send you a picture and I did and you wanted to know what I was thinking. I felt angry and humiliated and excited and scared and proud and overwhelmed. I was thinking that you didn’t need to push me this hard but I knew you would. You had me face my mirror and watch myself play with your clit while I sucked on the butt plug until you commanded me to cum. Which I did, of course, writhing on the floor, still holding that fucking plug in my mouth.

Some of the things we will do are not “nice” BDSM, not aesthetic black and white, pretty lingerie and tidy shibari. I am ashamed to talk about the gross and nasty things that are part of my humiliation kink because I know people will judge and be disgusted by them. They are disgusting, that’s kind of the point. It’s very intimate and I feel so exposed talking about this here, but I have done so at your request.

The other thing, which you brought up as well, is that my husband can and does, read this blog. And this is something I would never want to share with him because I know he would never find this sexually exciting and he has made jokes etc about more extreme kinks in the past, as have I. He and I had discussed having a flag of some sort on blog posts I didn’t want him to read and I mentioned today that this might be one of them. This led to a very good discussion during which he openly acknowledged that he had been occasionally kink shaming in the past but felt that was changing as he watched and read about my journey. He also reassured me again that he loved me and that other than rejecting his love or lying to him, there was very little I could do that would change that. I guess we are going to find out if that’s true, but I feel pretty sure that it is. And there is no flag on this post because I am trying to be brave and let him see all the parts of me, even the ones I would rather hide.

Slave

You have had me repeatedly take the BSDM test over the past few months and the results have shifted a bit, although no surprise that “degradee” is always the top of the list, followed shortly by non monogamous, submissive, switch, masochist, rope bunny in close order. But its obvious from inside the dynamic of our relationship that we have moved firmly in the direction of Master and Slave, which has not been reflected, however, by the test results. When I first took the test in late Jan, 2020 I scored 53 on Slave. And after our last play, where I called you Lord, came on your command, sucked my butt plug and sent pictures to you and abased myself by lying face down on the floor because I wasn’t even worthy to kneel any more, my Slave rating went all the way up to…67.

You obviously noticed something was off and asked me about it. I knew right away what the issue was, which reflects a larger issue in my experiences with being a traditional BDSM slave. I score so low because all the questions asking about being a slave involve some variant of “would you give up everything else in your life to live out your BDSM dreams” etc. And while that is a fun fantasy for me, there is absolutely no way I would ever give up my other three major life roles as a working professional, a mother and a wife to focus solely on being a slave. When I explained that to you, you understood and agreed completely and encouraged me to take it again disregarding the other roles I play for the sake of the test, answering just based on my personal and sexual interests. I scored 98 on Slave when I took it a second time, “with the understanding that I know you are not abandoning those core roles”.

It is always going to be hard to balance all the things that I am. I am a really complicated person. I’m also a really lucky person, because I seem to draw great people towards me to help me, to mentor me, to love me, to fuck me and to forgive me for being such a weird, difficult, funny, moody, smart, slutty woman, who also is an obedient Slave to her Master.

Weekly Update 4/13/20-4/19/20

Posted on April 19, 2020 by Avertas

“Has my Toy…
Come to terms a bit to the depths of Submission?”
My feelings are complicated right now, My Sir
I’m scared
“Of”
The depths
“Of fear…
Spread your knees wider.”
Yes, My Master
Of my submission
It’s like a sinkhole
I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself
And I will
“Cum.
Keep your body rigid.”
Thank you for the orgasm, My Master
“New Experience….
High kneeling.
Body rigid.
Orgasming from my command
Relax my pet
Deep breaths”

“Motherhood”

You gave me a new task this week, based on a conversation triggered by an erotic video of a woman’s breasts being hit with a crop. I responded negatively, as I tend to do towards images of breast pain and that got me thinking about my own experiences with my breasts. Because I am a mother and nursed my children I see my breasts as both sexual objects, typical for my culture, and as well as nurturing and maternal with a family connection. I was pondering with you if that was part of what made me particularly protective towards my breasts. So, of course, you made me a task immediately following that conversation and you named it “Motherhood”. The task required me to use clothespins on my tits, another thing I have been resistant to, but I had already purchased them at your request. You did allow me to “soften” them by keeping them clipped open, for which I am thankful, My Master.

I like these complicated tasks, although it is sometimes painful to communicate exactly how you want things done. I do know and respect that it is important for me to do them correctly and as you have ordered. I like the demand for my time and attention. I like the effort you put into creating and perfecting it for me and feeling what you want me to experience. I like getting everything ready and the sense of “here we go” when it starts. I even sent you a picture of all the supplies before hand. I was proud of myself for doing it. I felt like a good girl and I wanted to show you what I was doing. The task was only moderately painful, involving edging, then putting three clothespins on each breast, then coming to orgasm, then edging as each clothespin was removed and then allowed to cum by fucking your asshole and using the satisfier on your clit. The hardest thing for me was cumming with all the clothespins on because I do find that pain, even moderate pain, distracts me from pleasure currently but it was interesting to feel how the perception of the pain ebbed and returned as I played with your clit and FH2. Removing the pins off my nipples was by far the most painful part and that was intense for me. I was happy I did it and thoroughly enjoyed the reward you granted me, like the horny slut I am.

I am inexperienced with pain as part of a sexual experience and I do appreciate you introducing this to me slowly and helping me explore it with you. I feel challenged by it but the more I follow your lead and have good experiences the more I trust you and am open to your instructions. I want to be more prepared for your return when you will be able to put hands on me yourself and inflict whatever sensations you desire on your property.

The Sinkhole

There was a shift in our dynamic this week and I have entered another level of submission (not embraced, but found myself suddenly here). I became aware of it after I had been masturbating late one night and I was having trouble having an orgasm, which is fairly rare for me. I thought maybe I was just in an uncomfortable position but moving my body, changing the mental fantasy I was thinking about, nothing seemed to help. I was getting very frustrated, that horrible feeling of pent up energy with no release and I thought, maybe I should think about you. So I imagined your voice calling me your slut and fuck toy and slave and also you commanding me to cum. My body responded immediately to these thoughts and your pussy got even more wet and I came quickly. I sent you a thank you text, of course, and then next day I mentioned it to you because I thought you would like it. And also, it was bothering me a bit that I had to think of you giving me permission before I could cum.

You did like it and you told me it was my training taking effect. Then you told me to cum, right where I was. At first I was amused and dismissive, because there was no way that was going to happen. And then…I felt my pulse quicken a bit, my legs relax and open slightly, your cunt began to throb and I squirmed in my chair in need. A few seconds later I felt tingling heat creeping from your clit and pleasure spreading through my body. And I was like, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL JUST HAPPENED?!? It wasn’t a mind blowing, push the plug out orgasm but it was definitely an orgasm. Without you laying a finger on me or me touching myself at all.

Of course I immediately remembered you telling me about a sub you had previously who would cum on your command and how at the time I totally didn’t believe you and thought that she was just a girl who wanted to please you and was probably lying to make you feel powerful. But, ummm, here I am having exactly the same experience. So of course, I considered if I was simply so eager to be your good girl that I had made it up but I checked later and FH2 was wet and slippery so something physical very much happened. I was pretty judgmental about that sub and threatened by the idea of a previous sub so devoted to you that she could do what at the time sounded like magic. You have since accepted my apology for such ignorance.

Of course you have been playing with this new development, strengthening it and that has been wonderful. A part of me loves it. Loves this evidence that I am your property and under your control. Even loves that it happened without my knowledge or consent. We never discussed this happening but it just did, a natural progression. Following these mental orgasms I get intensely subby, feel slow and drugged and floating and stupid and eager to crawl to you and be used as your pet and your toy. Once you had confirmed that it was happening everytime and you could even make me cum multiple times, things escalated.

Our playtime on Friday following the Motherhood task was… just so much. I don’t even know where to start. Great things, terrifying things, upsetting things. Things I long for and things I dread and things I don’t even understand. After I completed the task I messaged you. I was on my knees, naked and plugged, little lamb to the slaughter. I was thanking you for educating this slave. And you put my real name with the title Slave in your response, immediately asking me how I felt about that, which was confused and scared and aroused, of course. You pointed out that normal was gone now and that now I’m your slave who is happy to have your plug in her ass all day and cums on your word. In my text response I changed your title to “My Lord”. I deleted it at first, shocked that I had written that, wrote “My Master” and then took a deep breath, changed it back to “My Lord” and sent it to you with my heart in my mouth.

Of course I mean “My Lord” as in “My God”, as in an all powerful entity that controls me from afar and keeps me safe and tortures me and pleasures me at his convenience and for reasons I am not meant to understand. I feel so embarassed writing this because it is very intimate and I feel so exposed and vulnerable. Which is the other thing that is happening along with your increased power and my increased dependence and submission to you is that I am becoming much more anxious and scared that I don’t know you well and that you will hurt me because you cannot give me some aspects of what I need.

During our play you told me to unplug FH3 and I asked why and you told me if I had been in front of you in person you would have slapped me. At the time I was feeling overwhelmed and very subbed and childlike and that response just filled me with despair because to me being unplugged is punishment and I had wanted to understand why you were punishing me, My Lord. After I cried for a bit, I sent you a picture of my tearful face and you said my tears were pretty. (I’m actually crying now writing this.) We ended shortly after that, after hours of intense play and emotions. I desperately wanted to feel some warmth from you, some kindness. You have the sadism I need to push me to the very edges of my submission, I know that. But I also need to be able to trust you and to feel a connection to you of affection and that you desire and value me as your sub. So I asked you for that, I think somewhat to your surprise as you took a teasing tone, although I was very serious. And perhaps this is where I will push you to your limits, My Master. You don’t need to love me and I am not asking to be your only. But I do need to be special to you in my own way and to feel that I am. Meaning you must communicate it in a way that I can understand which means some praise, reassurance and affection. I hope you already know that you are very special to me, My Lord and I will continue to show that through my respect, my obedience and my worship.

Weekly Update 4/5/20-4/12/20

Posted on April 12, 2020 by Avertas

I will replug myself before I leave work if you wish, My Sir
It is not my place to do so without your permission
“My, my
My slut is sinking deeper into her slavehood
Yes, your owner wishes his Property is Plugged until further notice
Exceptions: when at work, when your husband requests it removed, medical reasons”
Ooooh boy
Yes, My Master

Connection

You replugged your ass, your FH3, which honestly it feels like you have fucked it at this point although you have never laid a finger on me in real life. I know you wondered if I felt better, felt closer to you, felt “grounded” as you say. Yes, that is true, which is embarrassing to admit to bc it seems like such a weird, gross way to feel connected to someone. When you asked me to stay plugged almost all the time outside of work I was not surprised. I had been waiting for that request for some time. I smiled and then I frowned, because it is a big request and it was very like you to launch it at me so casually. Hey, Slut, wear this butt plug for the forseeable future because I want you to. It bothers me a bit that you didn’t really acknowledge that it was a major act of service for me to accept. Maybe you don’t realize I see it that way. The crazy thing is that I did want to be told to do this, but still saying yes to that request felt like a big step.

It made me remember earlier in the relationship when you mentioned something about me wearing your plug 24/7 and at that time I reacted very negatively and with shock and scorn, really. Of course at the time I had no experience with plugs designed for long term wear but I don’t think that would have made much of difference in my feelings at the time. I remember being angry and that I would never humiliate myself like that. Obviously things keep changing. I keep changing. And that can be a scary. You told me this week that an image (frightened woman being held down by the neck with a leash and collar near a dog bowl while a man threatens her with a closed fist) was rated by me as a 2/5 in the past for initial appeal and this week I rated it 5/5. I have become so more aware of what I want and what arouses me, better understanding my kinks and open to new kinds since our relationship began.

Overall I think that is a good thing and exactly the sort of experience a new sub wants from his or her Dom. I do start to wonder where it will end. You once told me about watching a woman at a sex party get fucked by anyone who wanted her. And internally I was squirming because I have always had fantasies about being used by multiple men but the thought of actually living out that fantasy is scary. But if my mind can change about images and ideas then it can change about actions too. I guess it gets down to identity and values and “morals” and all kinds of deep messages we have all received our entire lives about sexuality and shame. It both troubles and excites me that I no longer know where I would draw the line because I am constantly redrawing them with you.

Who are you?

You had dropped hints in the past about wanting me to send you gifts as you are currently far away, isolated, bored and doing a difficult job. I am not a particularly good gift giver and I am busy so I conveniently ignored that until recently when you not so subtly told me to send you gifts. I felt guilty for neglecting you. So I went to one of the few stores still open and bought some treats and things for you. I would have like to go to the porn store and get you something naughty because I know you would have enjoyed that even more but I couldn’t due to the quarantine having closed almost all the stores.

It was strange buying you things because it really made it clear how little I know about you as a person. Our relationship is so artificial and we are limited in so many ways. It was a good opportunity for me to learn a little bit more about you and to just joke around with you a bit, which I enjoy. I still don’t really know if you like that. I feel like you are resistant to developing a friendship with me and I don’t know why. Of course, because I don’t think very highly of myself, my first thought is that you don’t really like my personality and find me annoying. Then I think maybe you just have firm boundaries with your subs and prefer to keep it very formal and just BDSM. Which I will accept although I think I would prefer a Dom who could make space for there to be casual, friendly connection as well. Then I think maybe you’re intimidated by ME and worry that you are hiding behind the BSDM roles and titles and rules etc so that I won’t know you as a person. Because then I can’t reject you as a person either. You have gone through several relationships ending in the past and this one is challenging and new, perhaps you are also keeping yourself safe.

Failures

We have had several fun and spontaneous sexual playdates this week and I enjoyed them so much and appreciate your creativity and skill in arousing and satisfying me both physically and mentally. But we have also had some failures and this has shown areas where we perhaps have different goals. For me, sexual pleasure and orgasm are an important driver of my participation in BDSM and our relationship as well. This week I have had some trouble orgasming with your instruction, mostly because of communication issues. I feel like we are always rushed and have no privacy, which is true because both of us work full time and have “roommates” with little control over the environment sometimes. I guess I need to be more patient but I am a greedy girl, especially when it comes to pleasure.

We had a spontaneous playdate in the basement when I was working out. You had told me I was going to get to play with FH3 later that night, sending me a picture of a woman fucking her ass with a dildo. I was excited and when I went down to workout I brought my suction cup dildo with me, hoping you would text me and maybe we could play. You did and had me strip naked and set up my workout bench so I could fuck myself on the dildo while looking in the mirror. You also watched me on video call which is something we had not done before.

This was not a particularly successful BDSM experience for me despite my being very excited about it and a lot of things happened that I enjoyed. I feel reluctant right now to talk about it because I don’t want to seem critical and I know how hard it is to top, especially long distance and on short notice. The signs of problems for me were that I was unable to feel that dreamy, subby, brainless feeling that I love from a BSDM scene and I wasn’t able to orgasm while I was with you despite a lot of anal and clit stim which I love and usually would be successful. I have been thinking about it and I also discussed it with a friend.

First the environment was difficult because my husband was upstairs and unaware that I was doing anything sexual much less buck naked fucking myself in the ass and pinching my clit in front of a giant mirror. I couldn’t secure the door so I just had to pray that he didn’t walk in on me, which wasn’t exactly relaxing. I could have told him that I needed privacy but I didn’t feel like having a long conversation explaining what I was doing and then having to process all his opinions and feelings about it later. So I just decided to risk getting walked in on and deal with the fall out if it happened. Secondly, I was insecure about my body because this was our first time doing video chat for sex and the lighting is atrocious in the basement, like department store changing room overhead flourescent and I did not feel pretty or sexy at all. Third, you didn’t have me lube up my dildo again at any point and it started to get uncomfortable and I felt stupid stopping you so I could do that although at one point I finally had to. Fourth, its hard for me to cum standing up because I lose control of my body when I orgasm hard and I will fall down. All of these are small things but combined it made the situation less comfortable and I was distracted and having a hard time getting into the right mindset.

The most important problem to my mind though is that you have recently been pursuing a line of thought about degrading me that doesn’t “work” for me. You were talking about me being ashamed of myself and making me look at myself in the mirror but I didn’t feel ashamed at all. I thought I looked pretty fucking hot taking that thick dildo up your FH3. You were contrasting my persona in the outside world, which is quite polished and confident and contrasting it with the image in the mirror, a naked woman pleasuring herself in an obscene way at the bidding of a strange man. But the thing is I feel like I am embracing that woman now and I value her.

In the moment it felt rude to stop you or say anything and I was definitely enjoying myself but I couldn’t help thinking that if you knew me better you would have known that some of the things you were saying were not going to work, because they are not true about me. I internally rolled my eyes and giggled when you used the term “prim and proper”, which no one would ever say about me as I strut around in high heels, make my friends laugh by twerking, drop the F bomb at work and have a darkly sarcastic sense of humor. Almost everyone who knows me would say that I am bold, funny, sexual and assertive. So this made me feel again like you don’t really know me as a person. The BDSM I like is personal in nature; you can’t successfully humiliate people with random statements. The key needs to fit the lock.

My friend advised me to talk to you about this and feels that in general we should talk more rather than just text about BDSM. So I requested and you granted me a chance to talk on video chat without playing. I feel like I’m forcing this communication on you. You agreed to a “meeting” once a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t like to force people to talk to me. I guess recently I am feeling the desire to connect with you as a person and as my Master. What do you get out of this? You never talk to me about these blogs you ordered me to write other than to tell me I’m somehow not doing them right. You never tell me if you are sexually aroused by our conversations or the images I send you. Do you masturbate to thoughts of our play or do you forget about it? You told me that a good submissive should be consumed by thoughts of her Master and I do think about you a lot. I’m sure it won’t be a surprise that my biggest question about you is how you feel about me.

Weekly Update 3/30/20-4/5/20

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Avertas

“Bad Bad Bad
Such a disobedient slut
Using something that NO LONGER BELONGS to you
I will have to think up a proper painful punishment”
I am sorry, My Master

Disobedience

We made a deal over the weekend that I could have two orgasms in exchange for doing something for you, which I was not allowed to know in advance. Of course I said yes because I am always curious what your devious mind is going to come up with. Which was that I was to edge for five minutes on the hour while awake until I had your permission to cum. I was also to remain plugged the entire time. I set my phone to alarm and my timer for five minutes and had a strange day of doing chores and texting friends while rubbing my clit what began to feel like every time I turned around. This continued on and on until I thought I was going to lose my mind; all I could think about was fucking and the most obscene images were constantly going through my mind. I was sexting with a potential lover and kept escalating the conversation above what I would normally do because I was ridiculously horny.

Finally I had a moment alone, hiding down in the laundry room with the satisfier and I texted you for permission to cum. You responded favorably and so I believed that I would finally be relieved. However right when I was about to orgasm, I texted you for permission and you responded “No” and told me to turn off the satisfier. My heart fell and I felt so disappointed and angry. I felt tricked. I had been playing your game (which I had agreed to, of course) for so long and it was no longer really fun. Your clit was throbbing as I knelt there on the dirty rug, a whisper away from climax. You told me I could pull out the anal plug and try to make myself cum by fucking my ass with my fingers. I took a deep breath and followed your instructions. The anal play felt so good…but not good enough to cum and I turned back on the satisfier and started using it on your clit. The combined sensations were intense. Anal and clit stim together are a favorite for me, but something was nagging at me. I turned the toy off and read your next text, which was ruthlessly degrading me for being a pathetic slave.

I made a decision to tell you what I had done. I could have said nothing. I could have cum three times in a row using all your holes however I chose and you would never know. But that would mean this relationship is just an amusement, just a diversion and not something I am really committing myself to, to learn from you and explore submission. You have told me several times that the most important thing you need from me is honesty.

You were not happy to say the least. You scolded me for my disobedience, obviously I didn’t get to cum and you unplugged me immediately and told me to stop edging. I was so scared you were not going to talk to me the rest of the day which would have been terrible but you did sent me a neutral texts which soothed me. You didn’t punish me right away, which was a bit anxiety provoking as well. You often don’t communicate what I should expect or at least that is how it feels and I feel uncertain about where I stand. Finally I asked you what my punishment was and you told me I was to remain unplugged until the next weekend.

Punishment

At first being unplugged was a relief. After edging and being so tied up with you for the later part of the weekend, being free of the plug and vaginal weights felt so light. I had a great workout without having to feel or think about them and I felt more present in the rest of my life, not being distracted by edging. This was a challenging week for me at work and in other areas of my life and as the week went on I felt more and more distant and slightly annoyed with you. I felt like you were busy and our interactions were rather dull. You’d send me a few texts, mostly pornographic images. You gave me no tasks and the sexting was much less intense or frequent than it has been in the past.

As the demands in the rest of my life steadily increased I became resentful that you didn’t seem to notice or respond to my increased emotions and distress. You sent me some limit pushing images which I felt was unnecessarily provocative given how much I was struggling. I responded with anger or as you like to call it “sass”. After which you tried to engage me in a supportive way outside of the BSDM framework, dropping our titles, but I was too upset at that point and essentially told you to go away. That night I felt so far from you. I doubted if you cared enough about me as a friend to even bother to understand what kind of pressure I was under. You seemed out of synch with me. Illogically, I was disappointed that you had failed to reach me even though I know I was pushing you away. Later we talked about it and I tried to explain.

I still don’t know what to tell you about my anger. I am not an easy person. I am not an easy submissive. I feel bad about that and wish that I could be less complicated, difficult, contradictory and needy than I actually am. A great fear I carry is that I am going to exhaust the people I love if I ever express my true self.

Other Men

I have a fun new relationship beginning in this inauspicious time with a local cute, kinky, widowed man who likes running and coffee and sexting me. He was supposed to come up and meet me this week after a much longer period of texting than I would normally ever allow. He was going to bring me a home cooked meal at work for lunch and I had every intention of making out with him like crazy in the car, maybe even let him finger me if the mood was right. I had a premonition in the days before that it was going to fall through and I was correct. Due to COVID complications he was unable to come up. I was surprised at how disappointed I was. It felt like nothing in my life was going right and all my pleasures were being denied. I have been missing male admiration, attention and conquest very much.

This whole situation did bring up some important conversation about my outside relationships and what limits you will try to impose on them. I have a lot of anxiety about this as I want your involvement to be limited and I feel you do not agree. I agree my lovers need to know that you exist and have ownership of me but you also asked me to give my new lover a ridiculous title and only refer to him by it, which I declined. It’s already so hard for me to connect with decent people given my unique situation that anything that will make me seem even more odd or otherwise make me act in ways that are not natural to me I must reject if I am to have any chance of being successful in finding a quality relationship. I initially agreed to our relationship under the promise that I would be able to have outside sexual connections and I will hold you to that, My Master.

I decided not to use titles at all with this potential lover. He has naturally taken a firmly dominant position towards me, like most men do who are sexually attracted to me. He accepted your presence easily and seems to understand that I want a play partner and not another Dom. I am going to be careful to maintain that boundary with him and other men as don’t want to feel torn trying to serve two masters. I want to serve you and keep myself amused while I wait to kneel at your feet. This new lover is kinky and exciting, promising me fun play with threesomes of all types, impact play and light degradation and his sexting has been wonderful, full, evocative scenarios showing a mature and experienced lover. It is yet another strange long distance relationship during this odd time in the world and in my life. I hope you are able to give me the freedom I desire to explore with another man. I have no idea if that bothers you or not. I think you would rather I did not, and this is another way I feel I am a challenging and difficult sub.

Weekly Update 3/23/20-3/29/20

Posted on March 29, 2020March 31, 2020 by Avertas

“Good girl, How does that make you feel?”
I’m fairly intoxicated currently but weirdly aroused and freaked out
“Which FEELS Correct?”
Slut SLAVE, My Sir
But gah! That’s so weird
“Now put it all together”
Pathetic Slut Slave, My Sir

My Husband Reads The Blog

So after posting last week, I happened to mention to my husband that I had referenced him in this blog. He already knew that it existed and in fact, helped me set it up so I was shocked when he became very upset that I had discussed him in it. I thought he understood that this was an anonymous space for me to process the effect of my relationship with my Sir on all parts of my life, certainly including my sex life and my most important romantic relationship, which is with him, of course. We had a lively conversation about limits, control and privacy which was heated at times. I will respect our limits by not sharing the details of what exactly was discussed on here. My husband didn’t need me to take the post down but that he wanted to read it and the rest of the blog so he understood what information was being shared. I had already told him he could read it, as that seemed only fair but asked him to let me know if he did.

Immediately, of course, I felt a sense of panic as I thought of the explicit sexual things described here and wondered what he would think of me. What he would think of me doing those acts for another man while I was in our home. Even more scary was the thought of him reading about my Master owning me and my holes. Traditionally, of course, your husband owns you and your holes. Our marriage is certainly non-traditional and yet, old ideas die hard and I am sympathetic that it could be challenging to sit and read about your wife calling herself a slave to another man. Later that night I brought up with him that My Sir and I were using those titles and explained that it was part of the BDSM relationship. My husband recalled the titles used previously between me and my female sub (Queen and Kitten).

I didn’t know when he was going to read it. Early in the week he came to me and told me that he had. He was smiling and calm and said, “there’s nothing there that I didn’t expect”. He told me that it helped to understand why I was in this relationship and he was even happy for me that I had found someone I could experience this with. I felt immense relief, acceptance and gratitude to have this wonderful person in my life, who could be so courageous and open to keep loving me despite the strange demands I make on him. I often feel like my sex drive and kink are a burden to him and my family and it was oddly freeing to have him see some of the “worst” of it and not reject me. On the negative side, I do not like having to share some of the intimate, special details of my relationship with my Sir with my husband. I feel anxious about him becoming a “gatekeeper” for me in BDSM, getting permission tacitly for my participation in activities that ideally, I could make an independent decision about. Funny, a sub advocating so strongly for her autonomy to get controlled and dominated.

Positives of Our Relationship for Me:

You had asked me what some of the positives of the relationship were after some criticism of the content of the blog.

First the sex. This is a huge motivator for me in my relationships outside my marriage and I still have reservations at times about our inability to have actual sex and need to rely on phone and hopefully someday, video encounters, for our sexual interactions. This week I bought the Lush and Hush, an egg vibrator and an anal vibrator with the option for long distance control which should bring a whole new dynamic to our sex life. You now control when or if I get to have orgasms on my own (which makes me feel so dependent when I have to bug you for permission and also continued shame about how often I actually masturbate, which I worry is excessive). I do feel a sense of connection to you every time I orgasm.

This week you gave me several fun, kinky things to do including having me orgasm multiple times while fucking your ass with a dildo first thing in the morning, plugging me and having me make myself cum four times in the shower (twice with dildo in my cunt and twice with dildo in my ass) and indulging me in a phone sex session where you made me alternate between slowly fucking your pussy and gagging on the dildo while I slapped my cunt for progressively longer counts. This weekend you have started a game with me where I “bought” two orgasms on Saturday morning at the cost of edging myself for 2-5 minutes every hour while awake until you give me permission to cum again. All of this makes me feel desired and sexy and engaged with you. I really enjoy sex and you know you can always get my attention that way. Other sexual things that have improved are my level of comfort with anal penetration which I have always enjoyed and I even had my first anal orgasm this week in the shower. You have introduced me to tons of fun toys, like the Satisfier which makes me cum in about two minutes. Sex with you is a real pleasure in my life and something I look forward to. You are the only lover I have had who is more kinky that me and that makes me feel less weird as well.

Our relationship has helped me define my interests and kinks much more clearly. I have confirmed my preference for degradation alternating with praise. I am exploring deeper submission and giving up sexual control. I learned how to set hard limits and defend them. I have used my safe words. I started this blog and through it, learned about how BSDM effects my marriage and my emotions. I have become more open to many kinks that I would not have even considered in the past. Just beginning to play with more painful sensations and learning how those effect me sexually and psychologically. I have examined my projections and expectations for a Dominant. Of course all of this has brought on a ton of feelings, some negative, but also a lot of growth. I feel like I’m communicating much more openly and directly about my sexual needs and preferences. I’m excited to see what it’s like when I actually have sex with a new partner since I feel like so many things have changed about me recently.

Pathetic Slave Slut:

Titles have been a big topic in this relationship and this week we further refined my title. I was wine drunk and working on a puzzle after a particularly stressful day at work, my husband was next to me, also drinking wine and texting his girlfriend. You told me that if you sent me some sex toys in the mail you would address them to your “Slave Slut”, later suggesting perhaps it should be “P.S.S.” with my having to guess that the P stood for pathetic. I’m trying to remember where the initial use of “Pathetic” to describe me came from exactly. In any case, I remember that I used that word to describe my no longer fighting against you and giving in to my submissive urges. You immediately recognized it as an important word and concept and have used it regularly since then in our sessions.

Pathetic means weak, deserving of pity, helpless; all things I don’t feel remotely comfortable accepting about myself and certainly not words that anyone who knows me in the rest of my life would ever use. I am generally considered a strong, even domineering leader. So this part of me that wants to crawl, to be collared, to be controlled and used feels secret and shameful. The part that wants to give up all the power and respect I have worked so hard to achieve and sink into mindless service to you is so hard to accept as equally valid as all my more acceptable qualities. Right now I just know I need it badly and I have somewhat intentionally stopped worrying about what it all means about me as a person, etc because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth currently. I just know I need it and even when my thinking brain fights it, my body and my emotions respond. There are so many demands on me right now, I am taking anything that helps and holding on tight.