I have never been a Slave before, My Master
Please take pity on me
I am bound to make mistakes
This was a big one
Please help me
Indentify Mantra
I AM A WHINY WEAK-WILLED PATHETIC SLUT. I do NOT know what I WANT. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM. I WANT TO: BE OWNED. Belong to My Master, My Lord, My Wolf. Be his Pathetic Slave Slut. But I AM: STUPID. DISOBEDIENT. Weak-willed. Whiny.
Tentative
This has been a strange week, My Master. I have put all my energy into recovering from the tumultuous events of last week when I broke your limits with my play partner and damaged your trust in my obedience and devotion to you. I had some time off this week and you have given me my new tasks. All of my new rituals and mantras feature criticism for my weak-willed, disobedient slut nature and emphasize that I could lose you if I am not careful. You have been changeable towards me this week, understandably so. At times you thaw, at other times you remain cold and distant. So I wait here in limbo, on my knees, practicing my patience. You know that is not my strength, My Master. My strengths seems to be evaporating in front of my eyes. Makes me wonder how real they ever were…
After you read the blog on Monday, I though you would soften towards me. I had laid out my counter argument beautifully, I thought. But in our text conversation you persisted in your anger at my disobedience, frustrating me with your high expectations for me and pointing out that I understood that a Slave should be obedient and that I am intelligent and well educated. Which in my experience, are fairly useless attributes when it comes to making good life decisions. With no other way to escape the heavy burden of guilt and regret I have settled into the long haul of earning back some of your faith in your useless, reckless Slave through careful obedience, continued honesty and making every effort to show you my appreciation for having you in my life.
The new tasks involve a lot of public play requiring creativity, planning extra effort, boldness and accepting some risk of discovery. I have found them interesting and challenging as I made my first efforts at them this week. These three public tasks are balanced by more private daily rituals around plugging and unplugging FC3 requiring me to kneel, look at myself in the mirror and reflect and reinforce my Slavehood and your ownership. Not suprisingly, I look forward to these daily moments very much as they make me feel close to you and at peace with myself. The most challenging task, Full, is a variant on the birthday task you made for me but you have modified it somewhat. I must fuck all three of your fuck cunts continuously for forty strokes within five minutes. Recently you added that I must lick your balls at the bottom of the stroke in FC1 which led to a great deal of spitting up and even a few strait up vomiting episodes during my last attempt at this task. I’m glad that you gave me the new tasks this week as they have given us something to work on together that is somewhat neutral and I have been able to demonstrate my service to you by completing them with enthusiasm.
My innermost feelings are mostly centered around anxiety this week as I still feel so uncertain about our bond. I feel like I am reaching, longing for you, begging you to bring your Lamb back into your care and control but I can feel your resistance to letting your guard down. That kills me, My Master and I feel so guilty and remorseful that I failed you. I don’t know what else I can do. I have been trying everything I can think of to show you how much I regret what I did. I never want to disrespect you or dishonor my Master. I want to serve you only and be worthy of your attention and use. I don’t believe in God, but I pray to you that you will forgive me whole heartedly someday once you feel that I have been adequately punished for my disobedience.
Slave Sister
Somewhat randomly I have begun communicating with one of your other subs, a woman on the other side of the world who also calls you Master. She is sweet at least on initial meeting and expresses excitement about having a Slave Sister. Immediately it was clear to me that I was alpha to her and she agreed and has spent the last few days sitting at my feet (symbolically) while I play with her hair and we chat of minor things. It has been a nice reminder of what I enjoy about having a submissive without the burden of the intense dependency and need for attention and support of truly having a committed sub. I don’t know if anything will come of it but I appreciate your permission for us to continue to explore that dynamic and the opportunity to again feel my own Dominant nature since I have been enjoying allowing myself to sink so deeply into the Submissive role with you.
I have recently been feeling an increasing interest in having a woman again. I was definitely not ready to be a domme in my last relationship with a woman and I learned a lot from that relationship, both about pitfalls in BDSM and poly. I have matched a few women on Tinder and OkCupid recently but after a few texts I’ve been shy about actually moving forward with meeting them. Women are often intense and emotional. They want another woman to be both best friends and lovers and expect lots of attention. My last girlfriend was fine with my husband but absolutely hated that I had other male lovers. I felt a lot of shame from her for my choices in my sexual and romantic relationships and it was frustrating to have to argue with her about it all the time. I guess I’m just worried that future relationships with women will be similarly demanding and distract me from serving you as a Slave which is my primary focus and goal right now. And with our recent difficulties with me taking on a play partner I have been shooing off potential connections, male or female, until things feel more settled between us.
I feel like I have already learned so much from you about how to be a good Dom. I know that time will be coming for me, when I am ready to commit to it someday, of taking my own sub, either male or female. I feel very lucky that you embrace my switch nature and are open to allowing me to explore that with your other subs under your guidance someday. I feel like that could be such a rich and exciting dynamic, personally. And even just in text and imagination I have found the idea of kneeling with another woman at your feet is exciting, especially if you let me use her as well. So many wonderful things you have brought into my life, My Master and I know you have so much more. You are the first person to ever really push my sexual limits and we have never even met! I can only imagine the incredible growth I will experience when we are together, My Lord.