Tag: bull

Weekly Update 5/25/20-5/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

So I have my second date with *Real Name*

This Tues evening My Master

“Nothing more than a BJ and him finger banging you”

My Master

We need to talk about this

“You and *Real Name*?”

Me and *Real Name* or me and whomever, My Master

I don’t agree to you directing my every move

….

I will try it your way, My Master

And if I fail, you will punish me as I deserve

“Smart choice

I have faith you cherish me more than the dildo”

You know that is true, My Master

You are my Lord

I kneel down to you and wear your harness and your plug and soon your collar

I feel you with me in my mind and on my body, My Master

You give me something no one has every done before

“Cum, My property”

——————————————————————-

Hello, My Master

“Hello, My Treasure”

We fucked, My Master

I’m sorry

And I know I will be punished and I should be, My Master

Disaster

How lucky I am to be sitting here. Sucking a lolly in FC1, the weight of your birthday gift pressing down into your FC2, your plug snug in FC3, still flushed from the orgasms you allowed me earlier tonight. Still allowed to call your holes yours. Still able to call you My Master despite my failure to adhere to the limits I agreed to when you allowed me to meet with my first play partner since we began our relationship months ago.

The week had started off so beautifully between the two of us. You obviously had read my previous blog post and immediately shifted to a warmer tone, using pet names more often and giving me compliments. This had the effect of pouring kerosene on a smoldering fire. Whatever tincture of praise and degradation my brain needs was perfectly matched by you and I catapulted into blissful submission. Words, words, words are so powerful to me. I remember you texted me after work and I was in the parking lot of the drug store and I was describing myself using all manner of demeaning phrases in my relationship to you; Your cumdump, Your slut etc and you replied “My Lamb”. I pressed the phone against my chest and swooned. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You played with me on text with several extreme humiliation scenarios and I allowed myself to imagine submitting to such treatment and enjoying it. I contemplated and agreed to all kinds of vile acts for you, My Master, including crawl through the mud, through piss to kneel at your feet.

We felt so close that I was worried about how we would do with my second date with my play partner. I had met him on Fet and I had discussed with him that I had a Dom and a husband and was just looking for a casual and friendly, safe, sexual partner. We got along well and had good chemistry on our first meeting. I was looking forward to seeing him, yet anxious too, as so many of my attempts to date recently have been unsuccessful for one reason or another. And with quarantine it had been about four months since I had a fun sexual romp with anyone outside my marriage, when typically I have 1-2 side lovers since my husband and I opened our relationship. When I told you about the date, you immediately ordered that I could only participate in oral sex. I was unhappy as I felt this was sending mixed messages to my play partner and as I also wanted to be free to act in whatever way felt comfortable in the moment. I didn’t see any reason to wait until a later date as we had already essentially agreed to have sex, that is the main purpose of our relationship. But in that conversation you argued that I had already given you control over my sex life outside my marriage, that I was being a rebellious brat by disagreeing and that those were your orders to obey or not. When I asked what would happen if I did not obey, you told me I would of course be punished. Reluctantly I agreed to try, warning you I might fail and would then accept punishment.

I went over to his house after work, stopping to get some takeout for dinner. He had clarified earlier in the day by text if we were hanging out or if there was an option for sex. I had told him there was an opportunity for “playing around”. I did not specifically tell him beforehand that I was not allowed to have sex. Per your instructions I had taken my harness off but left your plug in FC3. We had dinner and chatted about our lives. It was an easy conversation, he was deferential and polite and I felt relaxed and confident. We were watching some Netflix when he finally leaned over and kissed me deeply. Things escalated from there and we ended up in his bedroom, where he discovered I was plugged. We were playing when he rolled over, slipped a condom on and said, “I think we should have sex”. I remember laughing nervously and saying “we’re not really supposed to do that” and then we were doing that. I didn’t stop it and I know I could have, My Master.

Once we finished, after a few quick cuddles and a little more conversation, I got dressed and left. I immediately drove to the first parking lot I could find and texted you that I had fucked him and apologized. I expected you to be disappointed in me, but also I though a part of you might have anticipated that I would have a hard time with this and be somewhat prepared for my failure. You texted back but quickly called me and that is when things got horrible. Your voice was so angry and hurt, although you denied it when I apologized. You were furious. You demanded that I block my play partner immediately, which seemed completely rude and unnecessary to me as he had never agreed to your limits and I was the one who was your slave and bound to obey you. You pointed out that I had been willing to end the relationship with him earlier if you requested and I rebuttled that now I knew he was a good fit for me and we had a pleasant relationship that I did not want to end, hence me position had changed. You became even more upset, saying that I lacked integrity and should be careful in the lifestyle because people would not want me for their sub. You threatened to end our relationship, which terrified me and I felt ashamed, scared, angry and just completely in shock at the intensity of your response.

I had been up since six am, worked all day and had just had sex for the first time with someone I barely knew. My relationship with you was imploding and I was guilty and distraught about that. I knew I still had to go home after this and process everything with my husband and be available to give him support and attention. All I had wanted to do was have a fun night of relaxing sex and it ended great damage done to my Master’s trust in me. Under so much stress, I blew up at you, saying I was tired of doing things for everyone else, that I had a very demanding life and that fun sex is something wanted for myself, something I felt I deserved and that I was angry at everyone and everything for making such a simple thing so unnecessarily difficult. You told me I sounded like a whiny teenager having a tantrum and assigned me to start therapy because you were worried about my mental health. Finally you told me I could continue to see my play partner but he was never to use FC3 and you didn’t want to hear anything ever about our relationship or what we did. At that point your hot anger had turned to ice, you obviously were filled with disgust for me. I was a total mess, physically shaking, crying and absolutely exhausted.

I drove home, talking on the phone with a close friend in the lifestyle who knows about us on the way, who provided plenty of love, support and reassurance that I was not a terrible person, that it was right for you to be so upset and that you would find a way to forgive me. My poor husband was waiting up for me and I gave him a brief sketch of my night, then apologized for being completely spent and went and took a long shower alone with my thoughts. He was concerned and supportive and affectionate with me. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep, thinking of you. I texted you another apology in the wee hours, telling you how sorry I was that I was not your perfect slave, begging you to take pity on me. I greeted you in the morning and I messaged you during the day. You didn’t even read my morning messages and I despaired.

Finally you greeted me. I immediately asked to speak to you on the phone ASAP and we set up a time to talk again. Thursday night, in the middle of rain storm I called you from my car. I asked you if you wanted to talk as Master and Slave or as our real names and you answered me “Both”, which bothers me somewhat. Your preference to keep softening that line between the power dynamic in our BSDM relationship vs. outside it. I don’t know what I am giving up by allowing that and it troubles me. However, I was not in a position to argue so I accepted your request and we began to talk. Essentially you held your position that I am a flawed individual who you now know you cannot trust to control herself sexually outside of your direct supervision which is a disappointment. You confirmed that you had also felt the intensifying feeling between us earlier in the week which made this mistake even more disruptive to our dynamic. You repeatedly told me that I had put a crack in the foundation of our relationship. When I protested that I was a new sub who was not perfect and that I needed guidance and help, that I had been clear from the beginning that I needed a sexual outlet, that I had been reluctant to accept this limitation when it was negotiated and had warned you that I might fail, that I had been completely honest about my failure and accepting of the need for punishment, you softened a tiny amount. You agreed that I had been honest and that I was trying to improve. You reminded me of how harshly you had punished me for my previous small error and explained that I should continue to expect rigorous discipline for my mistakes and failures. I wept off and on throughout our entire conversation as I realized how badly I had erred and how difficult it would be to recover your esteem and trust as your Slave. I also realized how deeply I value your opinion of me and how rarely I have let others down in my life the way I have failed you, My Master. Perhaps because you are asking things of me and pushing me to my limits in a way that no one ever has.

Since that conversation, I have poured myself into reconnecting with you and the work of repairing our relationship. I have begun searching for a kink friendly therapist. I have accepted and started practicing the wonderful new tasks you also created for me this week, some of which have mantras admitting my weak will power, uncertain identity and warnings of how I may lose my relationship with you if I am undeserving. I have changed my name on Fet to one you chose, which reflects my lowered status. I have continued to apologize, abase myself to you and have examined my behavior, both alone and in conversation with my friends and my husband. It has been a long and difficult week and I know I am not even close to being done. The reward has been your gracious gift of keeping me in your presence even as I am a worthless, flawed, out of control, impulsive Slut Slave. I am so thankful you still keep your hand upon me. You have not unplugged me (Thank you, thank you, thank you, My Lord). You are firm and merciless as you should be, in response to my mistake and you reject with scorn the parts of me that led to it but you do not reject all of me. You told me you still see potential for this Slave. I know that under your discipline and leadership I can continue to grow into the perfect obedience and submission that you deserve. I know that as an experienced Dom you can use my errors as part of my process of learning. Although this has been so painful, it has helped both of us understand me better. Perhaps you have learned something new about yourself as well, My Master. Now you have jerked the chain tight around my neck and brought me to heel. Now you see what a task you have ahead of you in training me. So eager to submit to your will up to a point and then, steely resistance and even disobedience when I am thwarted in pursuit of what I feel are my deserved rewards.

My feelings today are of great regret for my actions, sad awareness of my flaws, humility and gratitude towards you, My Lord. There are remnants of anger at myself for not listening to my own internal guidance about my limits and I will be more careful to do so in the future. There is anxiety about your expectations for me to be so perfect even as I am yet new and developing. There is worry that we will continue to struggle with my need for physical sex while you are away and that my continued engagement with my play partner will be a constant source of conflict and drama. There is guilt for not having kept my word to you and betraying your trust in me. My panic that you will completely release me from your worship and service is reduced but not resolved as I know not to become complacent nor assume that because you have allowed me to creep nearer that you have forgiven me. I have fallen and it is terrible. I long for the day when you will again freely allow me to worship you, when you can accept my devotion and obedience with an easy heart and when you can look upon your Property with pride and satisfaction at how I have developed and improved under your ownership.

Weekly Update 5/18/20-5/24/20

Posted on by Avertas

“O.

I do take your thoughts into consideration, Pet

But I make the final decision, my Slave”

Thank you, My Master

That is how I humbly prefer it

“Of course

You are a worthless pathetic slave

You need to be on your belly

You need to crawl

You need to relax”

Thank you for understanding what I need so well, My Master

It is a challenge and a pleasure to serve you, My Lord

“Of course

Feel my hand slap your face when you challenge me

Feel it push you down on your belly, then the sting of the belt across your pathetic ass”

I always feel you in my mind and on my body, My Master

Your Property lies on the ground chastened and sore, My Master

“Cum

Pathetic worthless fuck toy”

Expanding Control

As we are slowly coming out of quarantine I have resumed my search for an appropriate play partner. Before our relationship I had been looking for a Dom, a need I no longer have. My emotional needs are well taken care of by my loving and attentive husband. So really all I am looking for is a fun, sexual relationship with a reasonable guy. In the past I have found partners off of normal dating sites (Tinder/OKC) but my Fet account has been more active recently and I have had several local Dom/Bulls approach me with compliments and offers to play. The benefits to me of finding a partner in this manner is that they will presumably be more familiar with BDSM and understanding of our unique relationship, something other vanilla men might find off putting.

I messaged two of these men, both in their early 30s and labeling themselves as Bulls and both responded with interest. When I made you aware of these potential play partners you immediately told me you would need to be in contact with them before I was allowed to have any physical contact. Although this was difficult for me, I decided to embrace an opportunity to practice submitting to you, not just sexually but in terms of allowing you to control more of my sex life outside of just between you and I. This has been both an erotic and frustrating experience for me. As I enjoy sexual objectification, the idea of you negotiating the terms in which another strange man might use your holes is arousing. However, being that you are both dominant males, coming from different generations, it has also been rather amusing and annoying to watch you both butt heads and swing cocks while quietly calming each of you down from the sidelines. Finally, after several messages, screen shots and a phone call between us, I had permission to meet the Bull. He was young, calm, open minded, respectful and expressed interest in seeing me again later this week. I am pleased as he is physically attractive to me and I think he would benefit from a relationship with an older woman as well.

This week we also established and negotiated new limits on my participation in more casual online sexual relationships. As you know I like a lot of attention, praise and sex so one way I get those needs filled is through occasional very casual sexting and lewd pic exchanges on the internet. Some of these relationships are slowly deepening into true friendships as well. However, I have been feeling increasingly uneasy as some of the men I talk with are dominants and a few are clearly attempting to recruit me as their sub despite my always being clear that I am a claimed Slave. I do not disclose your identity to anyone, although I have been asked (a practice which has led other Doms to criticize you as a fuckboy, BTW). I do not send full nudes, although there is one vanilla man that I have considered doing so, again something I felt I needed your guidance on. I don’t feel that I should send pictures of your holes to other men without your knowledge and approval.

You seemed slightly amused when I brought all this to your attention but once I explained why I was feeling uncomfortable you agreed with the need for limits and we agreed on four casual sexting partners and that I could only send pictures/videos with underwear/bikini level of exposure. You also pointed out that I was giving you more power over my sexual activity outside our relationship, but as you can see from my thought process, you already had that power. This just helps me feel reassured that nothing I am doing would displease you, My Master. It has been well accepted by the men I chat with that My Master has placed these limits on me. If anything, they admire your hold on me.

Doubt

One of the Doms I had been talking to online was increasingly relentless in his pursuit this week and although I am not interested in him as my Dom and I have stopped talking to him, he did successfully identify an area of insecurity in my feelings about you which I have been discussing with two trusted friends. I am insecure about how much you actually enjoy having me as a sub and if you find my body attractive.

Where does this come from? Well, first I personally have a ton of baggage about my desirability as a woman, which you are aware of and I need a lot of reassurance about this. This is part of what feeds my praise kink. So I fully acknowledge that a lot of this is my own shit. However, that being admitted there are patterns in your behaviors and our relationship which have increased my anxiety about this…

You don’t ask for images of me and if I send them you rarely comment or praise them. For example, I sent two very explicit video clips late one night, which I imaged you enjoying if you woke during the night, as I know you sometimes do. In the morning you never mentioned them or expressed any enjoyment in receiving them until I asked, which was a disappointment as I had hoped you would like them. I have no idea if this is an intentional “Dom” behavior to show that my body has no influence over you and to diminish my sense of power to manipulate you with it.

I observe the images you are drawn to online and I feel like I am not really your “type” which tends to a young girl with a thin build. I do think my body, while it has many flaws, is attractive and sensual but I worry that it doesn’t appeal to your aesthetic preferences. While I fully understand that we can be attracted to and enjoy relationships with people who are not our ideals this is something that causes me anxiety, heightened by the fact that you (intentionally or not) rarely compliment my physical body.

When we first started our relationship, you teased me about being in a frenzy as a newbie to the lifestyle but sometimes I feel that you are even more frenzied than me. You are searching for new relationships, contacts, opportunities for sexual experiences. You mock my sexual appetite but you have your own deep hunger that my own service will never sate. You are ravenous, My Wolf and I have at tendency to interpret that as meaning you don’t find me satisfying. I need to accept that it has nothing to do with me. I will be working on shifting my perspective on your hunting for more submissives from anxiety and feelings of rejection to appreciation for your openness, curiosity, energy and feeling grateful that you are willing to include me at times in your adventures with others. Because this is a currently a challenge for me, I am sensitive to small slips in attention such as forgetting a playdate you had made with me, delays in completing things I need (new tasks, communicating with the Bull). I want to feel that you think I am important while at the same time I understand that you have your own busy life and you will have other priorities.

I was hesitant to talk to you about this because I don’t like to criticize you in these small things since I find our relationship very pleasurable, exciting and valuable to me. You give me a lot of your time and attention already and I never want you to feel that I take that for granted or fail to appreciate it. I truly think you are an wonderful Dom, full of surprises, creativity, boldly but respectfully pushing my limits and constantly exposing me to new things. Also you bring me a level of sexual fulfillment I never expected in a long distance relationship.

I don’t want you to feel that I expect you to be at my beck and call or heaping praise and compliments on me all the time. You must lead and follow your tastes and instincts in this relationship. Artificial, manufactured praise is obvious to me and does not make me feel good. I did want you to have more insight into how your behavior effects me and some of the things going through my mind so you can help your Slave feel more treasured and secure in your ownership. I feel so very lucky to have been claimed by you and to be your Slave. I don’t think any of this will come as a surprise as you are quite attuned to me and I have noticed just recently that you did give me a compliment as well as incorporating more praise and use of terms such as “treasured” and “pretty” in our playtimes. I’m sure you understand that these anxieties are temporarily increased in conjunction with my deepening submission, dependence and devotion to you, My Master.