I will not be able to reach that goal, My Master
“You have until WEDNESDAY Midnight to accomplish.
All freebies and tasks are cancelled until then”
I don’t accept this punishment, My Master
“I am Shocked.
You don’t have faith in yourself
Stating defeat without trying”
“It is fair that I be punished, My Master
But I don’t accept an impossible task as punishment”
Punishment Again
Sunday afternoon I broke a rule by accidentally having an orgasm while edging as part of my daily task. It was a no orgasm day. I was edging in my bathroom, using the satisfier on your clit and your plug in FC3 and watching a porn clip on my phone. I was supposed to bring myself almost to orgasm and then a slow count down from 15. I have been working on really pushing the edging right to the brink of orgasm the past week. The satisfier felt so good on your aching clit and I knew I was very close. I got to about ten and I lost control over it. As the pleasure washed over me, I groaned out loud, “Shiittt”, because I already was imagining having to tell you about it and whatever punishment I knew was coming my way. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, just for a second, “You could always not tell; He will never know”. Then shrugging that idea off because one, I have already decided to not play that kind of game with you because it cheats me more than anything. And two, I am so under your power now that it would be uncomfortable for me to lie to you about breaking a rule.
I immediately texted you, feeling annoyed that this had happened as I had been in a wonderful mood earlier in the day and now I knew something unpleasant was coming my way and nobody’s fault but my own. Sometimes you are quite generous and forgiving, so part of me was hoping you might take it easy on me as this was not disobedience, but rather error leading to breaking a rule. Also I thought you might reward me with a lighter punishment because I was so prompt and honest in telling you. I was wrong on both counts. And as I am writing this I can hear you saying, “Why should I reward you for what is EXPECTED of you, Slave Cunt”.
You responded to my announcement with displeasure as expected and gave me a punishment of being immediately unplugged for 24 hours and a new task for overstim and forced orgasms. While I agreed that I needed to be punished and that the overall theme of the punishment was appropriate to the mistake, the initial demand of 15 orgasms in two minutes annoyed me as it seemed ludicrous. I remember thinking, if you just want me to torture myself with overstim for two minutes strait, just ask for that. Don’t make me try for something I can’t achieve. I was sullen and pouty anyway since I had been hoping to be let off the hook and I didn’t like the idea of being set up for failure. You know I have a low tolerance for failure in myself or others. So I decided to reject the initial punishment.
This was my first time trying such a stunt and I had no idea how you would take it. Maybe I would be told to shut up and be a good Slave and do as Master demands or maybe the punishment would be dropped or maybe you would pull us out of our roles and talk to me as a person outside BSDM to see why I was refusing. What you did was respond in a calm and measured way and explore what I thought was unfair about the punishment. You negotiated with me an acceptable expectation (which I still thought was unachievable) of ten orgasms in five minutes with three attempts daily until I either achieved it or I hit the cut off. I was a little sulky at the time when I was feeling angry, childish and wanting to provoke you, although later I appreciated the opportunity to practice negotiating limits with you in a respectful way that did not take us out of our dynamic. You also cancelled all tasks for me until punishment was completed as you wanted punishment to be my focus.
That night, after my household had settled, I told my husband that I needed some time alone and went to my bedroom. I had charged all my toys. I stripped naked, put down a towel, took a deep breath and started. I brought myself to the first intense orgasm relatively quickly and the next two were fairly easy and still pleasurable but then your property started to respond less to the clit stim and the g spot glass dildo I was using. I switched to the wand and turned it up higher, resulting in two more orgasms that were painful spasming with no euphoria or release sensation. I was up to five and almost out of time. Your clit was so tender and sensitive that it was agony to even touch it. I grit my teeth and pushed the buzzing wand against it again, gasping and writhing at the sensation as my legs clamped together in an attempt to escape it. My timer went off and I dropped the wand, already exhausted from my first attempt. Fuck, this is going to suck, I thought as I realized what a task I had ahead of me.
I rested a few minutes and texted you the results of my first try. What I learned the first day of punishment is that the first try is the one where you are most likely to be successful because the second and third try are almost strait torture since your clit was already sensitized and tender. My second and third tries I got generally between five and seven orgasms but they were hard won. I sent you a brief video of me writhing and groaning in bed, panting, mouth open as I attempted to force yet another orgasm from your clit. I continued to update you on my progress by text every day of punishment. I also sent you pics of your soaking wet, swollen FC2, plugged FC3 and clit, or my hand slick with pussy juice. The second night you suggested I try tying my legs open to help, which I did, using scarves and a soft tie from an old dress tied to the legs of my bed. My first pathetic attempt at self restraint. It did help somewhat. This punishment was time consuming, and I often started my evening workouts late in the night with resulting late bedtimes. I was also on my second week of work in a row, meaning I was tired. I was on my cycle leading to some messy and time consuming clean up. All of these excuses meant nothing, I knew and I did not trouble with you them. Punishment is intended to be inconvenient and unpleasant after all.
As I did have to keep disappearing into my bedroom essentially every night, I had to explain to my husband that I was being punished for something. Initially he was satisfied with that vague excuse, although later he became more curious and requested more information. I explained to him that I had broken a rule and what the consequences were. He became anxious when he learned about the level of orgasm control and zero orgasm days, worried that meant you were instructing me about how to respond sexually with him. I gave him lots of reassurance that was not the case and that when we were having sex, I was free to respond naturally, which is true. One of his understandable worries is that our relationship and its power dynamics will interfere with our married sex life. This conversation led to me disclosing more to him about my daily tasks than he had known previously. He seemed surprised at the frequency and intensity of my responsibilities to you. Partly because of these conversations and issues, I approached you about the rest of my normal weekly tasks, Motherhood and Squats which would have to be completed on the remaining evenings of the week as I continued to fail at completing my punishment task. You were very gracious and waived all the rest of my tasks for the week which was deeply appreciated, My Master (although I did find myself missing the edging at work).
Finally Wednesday evening rolled around and I was determined to achieve the goal of ten orgasms in five minutes. I had hit nine a few times so I knew I was close. You gave me permission to use FC3 that night and I decided to try a new approach of going for a softer first orgasm and building up from there. Again I stripped naked, tied my legs to the bed frame, and had my toys to hand. I unplugged FC3 and slid a well lubed vibrator inside it then started the satisfier on your clit. The vibe was buzzing away as I moved it in and out, stretching your hole when the first orgasm hit and I started the timer. I kept going, changing the position of the toys to keep the sensations intense. The orgasms kept building to a large one at four, which had me pulling against the restraints. I checked the timer, still a few minutes left. I knew I could get there. I closed my eyes and put the satisfier on high and pushed it down on your clit. My legs strained against the ties and my mind went nearly blank as my body tried to escape the painfully intense feelings. I got up to seven, then stopped for a few seconds and resumed fucking your FC3 deeply for several strokes while I let your clit recover. Little over a minute left now, I grimaced and tentatively put the satisfied back on, a moan escaped me as I was thrown almost immediately into full body convulsions of agony. But I would not move the toy off your clit and I felt the last few painful spasms rip through me with relief. I went limp and stared at the ceiling. I had done it and I was completely exhausted. I thought about how much I had learned from this punishment; that I could negotiate with you, that you could be reasonable and help me achieve my goal, that I could persist in something and achieve it, even when I though it wasn’t possible, practical experience in self restraint and overstim, discovering an anxiety of my husband’s and addressing it and reinforcement of the importance of adhering to the rules and how seriously you expect me to take them. I felt proud of myself and also silly about that, because who feels proud of something like having ten orgasms while tied to the bed? I guess a Slave does, My Master.
Integration and Disappointments
Last night we were texting late and you brought up a change I have noticed you making lately. You have recently been pairing my true name with the title Slave. You had started with this weeks ago, during play, and it made me nervous right from the beginning. One reason is that I understand the use of my real name to indicate that we are stepping outside the BDSM framework to discuss something. When you pair my name with the title Slave I am unsure about where I am supposed to be responding from, which psychological position.
We have been exploring how and why I keep the separate aspects of my life/personality/personhood apart recently. This partly came up because we were talking about my starting a relationship with the man I had been communicating with throughout quarantine, who completely and unexpectedly ghosted me this week after offering to make and bring me lunch at work. This was a first experience for me and we’ve discussed how it is bringing up the expected feelings of disappointment, anger, embarrassment, insecurity and reluctance to trust others. I can’t help but think about our relationship as there are similarities. What if you did something similar to me after developing this intensity and reliance on you? That would be so painful but I have made myself vulnerable to such suffering by trusting you. I hope I am not making a mistake with you, like I did with this man who completely wasted my time. I will say that with you, even if we never meet, I have learned a lot from experiences with you and that will always have value to me.
So this possibility of a new sexual partner, although now a moot point was the trigger for discussing how to balance the Slut and Slave parts of my life with the other more conventional but equally important roles I play. I was talking about how I would like to work towards integrating some of these roles, although of course, there will always be boundaries and privacy. I want these aspects of myself to feel understood, accepted and internally integrated inside my mind. On some level they are all connected, but just by the deep roots. You asked if we should continue to use my name with the Slave title or if I found it too distressing and although I don’t like it (yet), its fine to continue. It may be even good. When I don’t like something you often push me to explore it more and we find out interesting things. I remain open to physically and emotionally painful experiences as a path toward knowledge. However, I would like us to agree on another way to indicate that we are setting aside the BSDM roles if and when we need to do so. I am not ready yet to give up completely the option to communicate with you as something other than your Slave, My Master.