Tag: humiliation

Weekly Update 7/19/20-7/26/20

Posted on by Avertas

“I just read a WONDERFUL TASK for you, Pet”

Oh boy

What do you have in mind, My Master

“Ready”

Yes, My Master

“This will test a few things”

I’m listening

“You will drink 1 gallon of water.

Wear panties.

Wait for 20-30 minutes…Until you have to pee.

I would prefer you go outside and

Then edgex3 Countdowns from 30.

On the last Countdown, you can cum at 15 and again at 0.

(You might want to bring a towel…)”

Shame

Lately I have been thinking a lot about shame. Specifically the shame that I feel not infrequently about my high sexual drive, my Slut nature, my Slave nature and my kinks and the problems these things cause for the people I love. The truth is that when I am able to indulge in these aspects of my self, it feels wonderful and true. I fall into them so naturally and easily when I allow myself to do so. The energy and the flow state I can enter is irresistible to me. I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes it feels like I am channeling the deep feminine sexual energy of the universe, raw and torrential. My partners can feel it too and they respond in a variety of ways depending on personality.

Recent events that have triggered shame in me include being rejected by my female friend after our date last week during which I disclosed that I had an open marriage and was a sub to you. She sent a cool and brief text which stated that she wanted us to remain platonic, followed by some banal, superficial conversation. Internally, I felt again the great divide between myself and the other women I know, who report that they “could never do” all the things that I do quite easily, that I love to do. This difference makes me feel like such a weirdo and a freak. I feel like I ruined that friendship by saying who I really was and sharing my true self. I always worry that once people really know me fully they will be horrified and reject me. To be frank, that’s pretty much what happened. It was so good to talk to you about it and thank you for helping me process these thoughts, My Master. It was great to be able to turn to you for emotional support and for guidance, which in the past I would have been reluctant to ask you for. I sometimes worry that you are so accustomed to kink and BDSM that you fail to realize how shocking many of the ideas and acts you take for granted still are to the vanilla world. You overstepped a few times with me early on and it pushed me away. I feel like that is what happened with my friend. Not to say that I think we ever would have ended up in a relationship, but I think there may have been less damage.

Another time I have felt shame this week was talking to a friend online who is in the Lifestyle. I was discussing my relationship with my husband and how I wish that I could be more “normal” in both my sexual drives and tastes as this would make me a better wife and partner for him. I teared up a bit as I related the struggles I have put us through as a couple that I know he would never have had to face if he had married someone else. My friend told me to celebrate what made me different from other women, to try to see it as a strength, to focus on the positive things it has brought to my marriage like more freedom and excitement for my husband compared to most men. My husband has reassured me multiple times himself that he loves me and accepts me. Maybe I just don’t love and accept myself. Because I don’t feel that way about these aspects of myself sometimes. There are times when I think about just going on some medication that would dull my drive and make me less interested in sex. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen if I keep exploring and empowering these parts of me. They can be so powerful and destructive. I can hurt people; I have hurt you and I am worried that the things I enjoy in BDSM will hurt and disgust my husband, especially as you begin to expose me to new things.

The new task you gave me this week is the first time that we have explored piss play/watersports; a kink I have been curious about. I think it is likely something I will enjoy, particularly when in combination with verbal and physical degradation/humiliation under your control. I don’t recall how I scored piss play in the initial kink assessment you had me do when you were considering me as your sub but I am guessing it was in the “interested but don’t have to have it” category. Maybe it was even lower than that; my openness to kinks and new experiences has increased significantly under your guidance, My Wolf.

As instructed that night, I drank glass after glass of water while chatting online with a Lifestyle friend who knew about the task and was amused by my first attempt. Once I started feeling impulses to use the bathroom, I slipped out of my shorts and tiptoed outside into my suburban back yard. It was late and the neighborhood was peaceful and empty. I was wearing just briefs and a Tshirt. You had instructed me to wear something fuller coverage than my usual g string panty so that I would feel the wetness more on my skin. You instructed me later that if I didn’t wet myself cumming in my panties I was to either stand with my legs together or lay down in the grass and empty my bladder, then stay there for a count of 100, “going over your mantras”. I had brought the required toys out with me for the edging and I found a dark corner of the yard and started playing with your clit, first with my fingers, then with the Satisfier, then with the Focus which creates intense and pinpoint clit stimulation. My bladder was aching and full and with the first orgasm at count fifteen I felt a small splash of urine wetting FC2 and running down my bare legs into the grass. I took a deep breath and kept going…15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8…I was moaning softy and gently moving the focus over your sensitive clit again and again in circles, so close to cumming yet riding the edge as you have trained me to do so carefully. 7-6-5-4, I felt my pelvic muscles straining to hold my bladder while at the same time want to let go completely as the orgasm began to ripple beneath the surface. 3-2-1…a gush of urine as I stood there gasping and cumming harder and harder, feeling the warm liquid soaking into my panties and dripping down my legs. I fell to my knees in the dirty, piss covered grass and felt the mosquitoes begin to bite as the last waves of the orgasm faded. I looked up at the moon and listened to the quiet night, alone in the darkness. I remembered my Mantras and whispered quietly into the warm summer air that I was Slave *real name* and that was owned by Master *real name*. That I was his Property and his Playground. That pleasure and pain was your Right. That this pathetic Cunt belonged to you, regardless if plugged, harnessed or collared.

I felt very young, mildly regressed, a little silly but not upset or distressed by the experience. I cleaned up and changed into dry clothing. I wanted to send you a picture of my wet panties and my legs all covered in the grass marks pressed into them from kneeling but I remember that you told me not to send any pictures this time, to focus on the experience and write about it for you. I laid down and felt even more like a little girl, tired out after a long day but at peace. I curled up in a ball and felt your plug in FC3, always with me, so reassuring and wished I had my wand to vibe it as you allow me to do when I want to relax. Instead I hooked a finger through the loop of the handle and wiggled it gently. If you had been there I would have liked to suck your fingers then. I looked at a picture you had sent me of yourself earlier that day. It was taken at an extremely low angle and you filled the screen, looking down, looming large, the only thing filling the world with nothing but the blue sky behind you…My Lord. I kissed the picture on my phone, laughed a little at myself and went to sleep.

I didn’t feel ashamed while doing the task, but I do anticipate shame about it as people I know are able to read about it in this post, including my husband. I know these are things that confuse and repel most people and it is very hard for me to share them outside of my relationship with you and, of course, whomever you would choose for me to engage with. This kind of task is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t know what I am capable of, but it is more than most. That makes me feel scared and like there is something wrong with me. I love it but I have doubts and trouble accepting it. I am grateful that I have you as my Owner to help me, step by step, in finding my way, showing me things slowly, enjoying and developing the very qualities I find frightening and teaching me how to better contain them so that they are less destructive. The energy you put into my training and discipline, the affection you show me when I have pleased you, the understanding you have of my needs, often better than my own, all bring me to my knees with my mind, heart and body eager to learn and open to your influence and power.

Weekly Update 6/8/20-6/14/20

Posted on by Avertas

Thank you for letting me have orgasms again, My Lord

I wish I could show you my gratitude with your property

“I know, you stupid cunt.

You are making an effort to improve.

Do not backslide.”

I am a weak willed, pathetic, whiny Slut

I want to be owned by you, My Master

I want to be your perfect Slave and give you my obedience and let you use this property as you desire

I am so glad you can see how I am trying hard to improve

“Nobody is perfect

One can only strive to improve towards perfection

Or at least not a weak willed, pathetic, whiny girl”

I feel scared now to be less than perfect for you tbh, My Master

“Cum”

Healing and Service through Tasks

This week started with me still feeling in a tenuous spot in terms of our connection and your claim on me. You again modified my Tasks and the list grew even longer, with multiple public and private tasks as well as my usual daily tasks of my plugging and unplugging rituals, symbols of owernership (plug and harness) and edging. Luckily I was off work for two days early in the week, which allowed me to focus my energy on completing several of these new Tasks. They are excellent Tasks, of course, as always. A great strength of yours as a Dominant is your creative, devious mind which boldly challenges my obedience, courage and the physical limits of your property through these Tasks. They are fun, naughty, exciting and make my life complicated and interesting. I am grateful for them as an experience in their own right but also as an important way that I show you my obedience, dedication and stamina, especially as I cannot serve you in person yet. I will admit that the volume and intensity of tasks currently is high which makes me anxious about completing all of them. I will continue to work to complete them all for you and I know we can discuss if I am having a hard time getting them done. I feel more confident this week that you will not see any difficulty completing them as laziness or disrespect but rather just struggling with balancing my Slave Tasks with the many other tasks I must do for others.

Because of you and your instructions this week I fucked your FC3 in a public bathroom while sucking your plug, a task which left FC2 dripping wet and my heart racing. I ran errands with your pussy and ass stuffed with vibes and had multiple orgasms standing in the public store, cumming in my panties, so grateful for the requirements to wear a mask to hide my contorted face as pleasure washed over me. I tied my legs up high and fucked all of your holes at once with clothespins on each nipple, then edged for five minutes alternating between the Satisfied and the wand, with your soaking FC2 and opened FH3 still stuffed full while I whispered my Mantras. I lined up three dildos and did over a hundred squats, filling different holes as you directed, at times deep throating one dildo while fucking your ass with another. And yesterday I did a new pain task for you requiring ripping off 12 clothespins while having five orgasms, which you had me post pics from on Fet. I have knelt again and again in submission and worship to you. You have helped me with setting up these tasks, refining how you want them done, combining them, taking over at times to direct me yourself in order to have your property abused in a certain manner. The intensity and demands of the new tasks has been good for both of us and I have felt our connection improving steadily.

I am proud of doing these Tasks and I have enjoyed talking about them with some of my online friends in the Lifestyle who all appreciate your creativity and boldness in the demands you make on me. As well, they are impressed that I am eager to meet these demands, despite risk, discomfort and time demands. Many of them have said that they have engaged in similar tasks but never to the levels that you have already brought me without hesitation. None of them have ever plugged a sub as aggressively as you have or requested such intense public play. I am proud that you push me harder than most Masters would dare and that I can rise to your challenges. I think we have a special connection, My Master. I feel we are well matched in our energy and depth of need for power dynamic, and that although some of our specific kinks are slightly different, we can both grow and adapt to meet those as well. I am so excited by what we have and hopeful and also nervous about the future, as I know you understand. There is great potential. You are so powerful, My Lord. I am in your hands and they are merciless and wonderful.

Sub Drop and Aftercare

Likely due to the increase in volume and intensity of my Tasks this week, as well as perhaps continued intense emotions following my failure and our struggles over the past two weeks, I experienced sub drop for the first time this week. It was after a combination experience of two tasks, “Full” and “Restrained”. You suggested I make a hybrid of the two and actively helped me with the complicated set up, as you had specific desires for how you wanted your Property positioned and what tools and toys to be used.

The task involved two phases, the first is a physically challenging task called Full, which requires me to have all your holes filled at the same time for 80 strokes with a strong emphasis lately on practicing deep throating with FC1, which tends to make me gag and sometimes even vomit. I used to orgasm with this task with your permission but the throat training has made it unpleasant and difficult and I have not been able to do so since you have increased that expectation. This task was completed with clothespins on your tits, Hush buzzing in your ass, dildo in FC2, legs restrained and sucking the dildo stuck to the mirror, meaning I had eye contact with myself throughout and could see your stuffed holes. Then I restrained my legs even higher and moved so that the one on the mirror was now in FC2 and began edging your clit, alternating between the Satisfier and the wand while running the Mantra of Identify through my mind as much as I could, given all the counting and timing required with the edging as well as managing the physical sensations. As well, I sent pictures before and after each phase of your Property. I was allowed to orgasm through the end of the task and had several with my legs tied high and your fuck cunts clenching and spasming around the toys.

After the task I rested a bit and then untied my tight and shaky legs. I physically felt cold and very tired. I usually feel pleased and proud after a task and closer to you but this time I felt alone and isolated. I experienced a sense of worthlessness, depression and rejection unusual for me. I started crying as I was cleaning up and had to stop and just lay down on the floor, still shaking and crying. I had never experience something like this before but recognized that it was probably sub drop from reading about it.

Not sure what to do, I reached out to you by text, asking where you were and telling you I needed you. Its very hard for me to say that, btw. That I need you. Admitting dependency and weakness makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. You did not respond at the time and I felt even more alone and uncertain. It felt like so many other times in my life when I was not helped when I was hurting. That is how I learned that I cannot rely on other people to help. I can only trust myself. I have to take care of myself, protect myself and be stronger than anything that happens to me in my life. I will not allow myself to fail. But then, of course, I am human and I fail all the time. Part of this journey has been admitting to myself that I am weak, that I do fail, that I need people and I need help and accepting that, allowing more honest connection, allowing loss of control over everything, allowing myself and others to see my weaknesses and forgive me for them.

Finally I stopped crying, regrouped, cleaned up and went to bed. I felt emotionally empty and numb and physically sore and fatigued. You texted me later that night and explained that you had lost internet and had fallen asleep. I understood with my rational mind and was not upset but still had lingering feelings of disappointment and detachment. Your tone was light and it felt like you were unconcerned and not really understanding how intense the experience had been to go through without you. To be fair, I did not disclose to you the full depth of what had happened. Because, of course, I did not want to seem needy or to ask you for more support that you might be unwilling or unable to give me.

The next morning I woke up depressed and with a terrible headache. I told you that morning that I was not feeling well but you did not explore it. I texted about the sub drop with a friend who expressed a lot of support and concern about my going through this without your help. He also normalized it for me and told me I was doing well, sending me some posts to lighten my mood. To be honest, I would have appreciated that kind of concern and support from you instead. As the day went on I gradually felt better and by the late afternoon my energy and mood was again at my usual high levels. I listened to a voice recording you had sent me telling me an erotic fantasy and it was so wonderful to hear your voice. I listened to it several times and it made me smile and remember how lucky I am to have you as my Master. I sent you my own voice message on the way home from work, letting you know that I had been thinking of you and how much I appreciated you.

The next few tasks I was worried about experiencing similar drop, but thankfully it did not occur. Yesterday however, we did the Pain and Pleasure task for the first time. You told me this task would likely push my limits for physical pain, which it did and that is one of the goals of the task. You helped me refine how you wanted it completed and knew when I had started it. Afterwards I was tired out, in subspace and started feeling a little needy. I was a bit regressed and began to get worried I would start feeling worse. I texted you that I was exhausted and wanted cuddles, something I don’t think I have ever said to you before. You responded with a single word “nap” and told me to get cuddles from someone else. I understood that you didn’t grasp where I was mentally from that response so I sent you more messages asking you to please give me praise and a few brief voice messages explaining that it would help me feel closer to you if you could use the time after an intense task to connect with me, even briefly. You have done so successfully in the past and its an extremely potent way to influence my mind. You did not respond to any of those messages.

I did not go into a more severe sub drop and was able to get up and move forward with the rest of my day but was troubled by your lack of response to my requests for aftercare. I do not believe I will generally need a lot of your time or attention for aftercare but praising me for completing the Task and reinforcing your ownership would help me a lot. An hour or so later you sent me some pornographic material off Reddit and I got annoyed as I thought you had gotten all the messages and were just ignoring them. So I decided to ask to talk to you about it. I have not done that in a long time. I texted you using your real name and you immediately called me. I told you what was going on and you explained that you had been having a busy day and had not had a chance to catch up on my messages. I felt much better and you graciously apologized which was appreciated and of course, accepted. You mentioned that you have a friend who doesn’t need much in the way of aftercare and I guess there are subs who don’t, but you are not lucky enough to have found that with me, My Master. I do need aftercare and feel it is a way for you to increase your control and power over me. It was a very good conversation. You grasped the situation immediately and handled it masterfully. By the end of the conversation I was on my knees, whimpering and cumming on your command, my heart full of thankfulness and my face smiling with joy to be your Slave.