Tag: kink

First Overnight with My Master 12/5/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Details, Girl!”

Lol, it’s a lot 🙂

“Mmmmhmmm”

I was inspected, cuffed, collared, blindfolded, hogtied, flogged, paddled, bitten and marked repeatedly, pissed on and in, spit in my mouth, slapped, spanked, finger fucked, made to squirt, crawl, gag, beg, eat ass, suck toes and balls, worship him, every hole was used, command orgasms anyplace he wanted…

“WOW”

Also, washed by his hands, kissed, caressed, told I was beautiful and treasured, pampered, dressed in clothing of his choice, cuddled, eaten out and made to laugh and have fun

Pretty fucking amazing

And some pretty amazing fucking

A Dreamed of Spa Get Away Overnight with My Master: Part One

We had often joked about needing a weekend at a spa throughout the stressful and long months that we had been apart through quarantine, misunderstandings, volleyball and weightlifting injuries and so many other stressors. Despite my joy at your return, I had been feeling frustrated with the fact that we had not yet had sex nor had you been able to orgasm with your Slave despite being home for over a week. I had just assumed that since you had been without a sexual partner for almost a year you would be eager to fuck me and that our first few meetings would involve orgasms for both of us. The fact that this wasn’t happening was unsettling to me for multiple reasons. I wasn’t sure if you were having a sexual issue you had not disclosed and I was upset about that as I am already struggling with those problems in my primary relationship and expected this one to be free of such issues. I was also worried, of course, that you didn’t find me attractive enough or my sexual skills were lacking, although that has not been a complaint of previous partners. Still it was a worry now. You were also already beginning to look for new sexual partners which was hurtful as you didn’t seem too interested in moving forward with trying to have sex with me. It also seemed unfair that we were not having sex as you had told me that I was to end my sexual relationship with my play partner now that you had returned. Finally, I told you that you needed to fuck me to reassure me that you were interested in me as more than just emotional support and confirm that this relationship was going meet my needs. Sex is the backbone of BDSM for me, it is the best way for me to get into subspace and the energy from which everything else is fueled. If our sexual life didn’t work out, I knew I would not be happy in the dynamic. I am not interested in just being tied down and hurt. I want to fuck and experience sexual pleasure.

You expressed understanding of my concerns. You know your Slave very well and none of this is new information to you. We set up a plan to meet Saturday and drive together (through a nasty snow storm) to a local hotel and spa for massages, pedicures and our first overnight stay alone together in privacy. On the drive you were playful and silly, sexual and provocative, making me laugh and immediately beginning the command orgasms you relentlessly ordered throughout our time together, in public, in private, in restaurants, in the gym, in the shower. Sometimes staring into my eyes and harshly barking threats if I looked away, sometimes holding my hands, sometimes pressing my legs open while I moaned and writhed and dripped at your word.

We had a good talk on the way down about expectations for this relationship, how this was my first time having a Dom and about incorporating a new female submissive you had met online. As you know, it feels early to me to add a third person to our dynamic. I had asked you in the past to give me some time to adjust to you being here upon your return before we did so. I have been trying to accept that this was not going to be the case and trying not to feel hurt that you were in such a rush to add another woman. I am open to it and certainly see all the opportunities it presents but my feelings were and remain somewhat mixed. I am both excited and apprehensive. It was very helpful to be able to discuss such things frankly with you and for you to explain some of your actions that had seemed overly eager about this new sub and that had upset me. You did a good job making me feel safe, valued and providing reassurance. Overall throughout the weekend I felt like we had strong communication, increasing my trust in you and my comfort with your plans for adding more partners to our play.

Now for the fun part…I can’t possibly describe the weekend in chronological order as you have established essentially a 24/7 Master Slave dynamic for us (Thank you, My Master). I was spoiled rotten being your devoted, tortured, pampered, well fucked, three hole Playground the entire time we were together, with no break in dynamic necessary as we get along as well outside of play as we do during it. You are so handsome, sexy, intelligent, honest, charming, funny, devious, evil and naughty. You smothered me in attention, degradation, praise, PDA, kisses, forced orgasms and I know I was the happiest woman in the hotel, being on your arm and on my knees for you, My Lord. We also continued to have enjoyable and stimulating conversation about kink, the modern world, covid, food, wine, exercise, engineering and coffee. We ate our meals together, worked out together and bitched about inconsistent customer service together. And we also played and we fucked.

I will try to hit some of the highlights but, of course, I have a terrible memory for details of sex, and the better it is the more I am immersed in the experience and not “recording” it mentally. I apologize in advance as I know all these things happened but I am sure I will make errors in the order of events.

The first very exciting thing for me was my inspection. You sat comfortably on the couch and told me to strip naked. I took off the low cut, soft ribbed short grey dress, half cup hot pink bra and thong and knee high boots I had been wearing. You had me keep my black thigh high stockings on. You taught me to stand in the correct position in front of you with my legs spread slightly open, back strait, my hands clasped behind my neck, thrusting the breasts forward. You admired the view calmly, then told me to cum. Of course, your Property immediately responded with a strong orgasm, causing me to loosen and drop my arms. You instantly slapped my face and reminded me to obey your orders and leave my body in the position you had told me. I mutely nodded and turned around at your next command, displaying my round full ass, silver Slave plug in FC3 and fresh bite marks on each cheek as you had marked your peach as soon as we walked in the door. You reached a finger into your FC2, and smiled to feel how wet and slippery it already was, moving it slightly over my aching clit causing me to moan and writhe in pleasure. Your brought me quickly and easily to orgasm with your skilled fingers, sucked off the juices and told me my pussy was “a fine vintage” which made me smile. You dipped your finger in again and held it between our lips and we both kissed and licked my pussy juices off it, telling me you wanted us both to taste. You unbuckled your pants, taking out your hard thick cock for me to suck eagerly while you told me to hump your foot until I was begging to cum, which you allowed while you watched me with amused eyes. Later you told me that it was quite painful to have me hump your foot with my plug in but I never would have guessed it, My Master. Thank you for indulging me in pleasure at the sake of your discomfort. I am not sure, but I think it was during this play that you also spit in my mouth and had me swallow it for the first time and tenderly kissed along my surgical scar in loving acceptance of my flaws.

Following this inspection, you brought me over to the bed and told me that it was my turn. That I was allowed to have to freedom to explore and use your body as I wished. This was an unexpected treat and I smiled brightly with pleasure and kissed your mouth passionately. You were still dressed and I first removed your shirt, exposing a muscled, tan and hairy chest that I promptly buried my face against, kissing all over, licking and sucking your nipples, nibbling a bit, not sure if I could risk a little bite. The smell of your body, the feel of your skin. the REALITY of finally being with you filled my heart with such joy, I felt my eyes welling with tears. I had waited so very long for this very moment, to serve and worship you, My Lord. I began to softly cry in your arms. You were surprised at your tender hearted Slave and laughed lightly, asked if I was crying tears of happiness and when I nodded and buried my head back in your chest, you gently kissed my tears off my cheeks, tasting them with satisfaction. I gathered myself and smiled up at you again, then finished undressing you. I worked my way down, sucking your cock, lapping at your heavy balls and taking each one gently in my mouth to massage with my tongue. I massaged your buttocks firmly with my hands, spreading them open and licking your asshole and crack with my warm, firm, wet tongue. You seemed surprised but not displeased by my attentions. I kept working my way down your beautiful body. Once I got to your feet I was again filled with intense emotions. So many nights I had said good night to you over text, telling you I was kissing your feet when I sent a kiss emoji. I knelt in front of you, nude and plugged and put my forehead to the ground in worship, then wrapped my hands around your foot and kissed it with reverence, repeating it on the other side.

You sat on the bed to allow me more access to your feet and I began to suck your toes, licking between them and down the bottom of your foot. To my surprise this had a profound effect on you as you immediately released a deep groan of pleasure. I continued to suck and lick your feet, then kissed my way up your inner thighs to your crotch. You were lying on your stomach and spread your legs slightly in invitation and I gladly buried my face in your ass from behind, lapping your ass while you gently moaned and sighed. I reached around a hand and stroked your hard cock. This brought you up to your hands and knees so I could fully pleasure your ass with my mouth and stroke you at the same time. You enjoyed this for some time, then again used FC1 but did not cum. You had brought me to orgasm several times already through clit stim and command orgasms and we stoppped our play to clean up and enjoy a lovely dinner together.

After dinner and dessert we returned to our room where you had already laid out the impact tools. You did so early on in our stay and I wasn’t sure if it was a matter of convenience or to keep them in the front of my mind, but it certainly did distract me, seeing the many floggers, paddles, small whips and other sensory tools you had chosen with me and for me laid out on the coffee table the entire time. I was becoming increasingly scared about impact as you exposed me to more and more painful sensations through biting, slapping and pinching your Property. I am beginning (just beginning) to understand how painful things can become if your choose that experience for your Property. Some of your behavior in the recent past had been impulsive and I felt less trust and assurance in you than I expected. Yet you are my beloved Master and I knew I wanted to take this step with you. I had made a point of being clear with you that impact was something I both looked forward to and was anxious about. It turns out I had nothing to fear.

You handled my introduction to it masterfully. First I was told to strip completely naked except for my Slave plug and you fitted me with black leather cuffs on each wrist and ankle as I knelt before you. Then you put a light, pink play collar on my neck. It was the first time you had put any kind of collar on your Slave. You teased me about it being so cute and pink as you know I would prefer a very simple and thick black leather collar. Still it definitely gave me a thrill as you growled under your breath, “mine” while you fastened it around my neck. You ensured I was in a comfortable position so I would not be distracted by unneeded painful stimuli; I was kneeling on the padded back of a turned over chair and leaning forward onto a thick cushion. You did not restrain me but you did offer me a blindfold. I hesitated in taking it, but I felt that you wanted me to so I did. I am very visual but I understood your goal of using sensory deprivation to help me to focus on the physical sensations and let go of trying to observe you and being distracted by efforts to please you.

You were very gentle with your Property, My Master. You explained the thuddy vs stingy sensations you were causing and varied the intensity from pleasurable to neutral to just creeping into painful. You are clearly an expert at impact and able to give a wide variety of different impressions with the many tools at your disposal. I was flogged and paddled, lightly whipped and hit with the butt of the flogger, rubbed with fleece and smacked with a short rubber antennae. You covered my broad back and round ass as well as the backs of my legs, the soles of my feet and ran the throws of the various floggers over your FC2. As I was blindfolded I was extra aware of the sounds of the implements moving through the air, your voice and breathing, the feeling of them hitting my skin, your occasional touch and kiss. You had me kneel and I felt a soft and pleasurable brush moving over each hard nipple; you drew this out until I was moaning and pushing my breasts forward. You stopped and I moved my head about blindly trying to figure out what was happening, feeling vulnerable and slightly frightened, not knowing if you were going to hit me with something new, when you sternly ordered me to open my mouth and I felt your hard cock pushed between my hungry lips into FC1. I began sucking you enthusiastically and you moaned slightly, thrusting roughly into FC1 while you called me your slut, your whore, your pathetic Slave.

Shortly after you removed the blindfold and ordered me to get to the bed. I was uncertain if I should crawl or walk and I tentatively stood, causing you to growl in disapproval and grab the loop of the collar, abruptly pulling me to the ground in one swift movement. For the first time in my life, I crawled, naked, plugged and collared across the floor, heart beating fast with you close behind. You proceeded to attach the cuffs on all my limbs putting me into a hogtie, completely helpless and immobile. I later learned you took several pictures of me in this position while I was face down on the bed. You ordered me to move across the bed and laughed in amusement at my awkward attempts to follow your command. You began roughly using FC1 again for a long time, laying on your side and thrusting in and out, occasionally reaching down and spanking my ass, ordering me to cum, which I did while gagging and drooling on your hard cock. Finally you flipped me over and unclipped my legs, put on a condom and mounted me from behind and began pounding hard into FC2 while calling me your whore and slut, demanding I keep my ass up for you and alternating between gripping me firmly by my hair or hips. I had been moaning in a mix of pleasure and pain. Finally feeling My Master’s big cock filling FC2 completely, thrusting hard into me again and again, sliding in and out of my soaking wet FC2, slapping against my bruised ass. The pleasure overwhelmed me and I begged you to let me cum on your cock; you were so buried so deep in my wet FC2 it felt wonderful. You came in me then too, My Master, with an incredible animal sound of a snort and a roar like a bull. I collapsed under you and you pulled out, went to the bathroom briefly, then returned to find me still hogtied. You began playing with my pink, wet FC2 with your fingers and licked it while I watched you, quickly bringing me to orgasm yet again.

Finally you unclipped me and brought me into your arms to cuddle. After some gentle kissing and chatting, you suggested a shower and getting some sleep. You removed my collar and cuffs and I crawled to the shower after you. I asked for permission to bathe you, which you granted and I so enjoyed washing your buzz cut hair and lathering your body, massaging it while I kissed and licked and nibbled on you. The mood was initially playful and tender but as I kept sucking and playing with your cock, it grew hard again. You moved me in front of you and used your fingers to roughly stimulate my g spot while with your other hand you played with my clit. The sensation was unbelievable and I was writhing in your arms, calling out and moaning when you abruptly slid another finger into FC3. I wigged on your hand and began to have a huge orgasm so hard that I squired on you. You were called out in an amused tone, “Did you just squirt, you little whore?”. You released me and put me on my knees while you had me suck you again. Suddenly you took your cock out of FC1 and a strange expression crossed your face and you told me to sit still. A few seconds later I felt the warm stream of your piss flowing over my tits and stomach. I took your cock back in my mouth; I’m not sure if you ordered it or I did it myself and you pissed in my mouth as well. I held it for a few minutes and let it drool out again while I looked up at you in complete submission and humiliation. You brought me to my feet and whispered the foulest things to me while you rubbed your fingers ever so gently over my running eye make up to mess it up even more, telling me how much of a prettier piss drinking slut and worthless cunt I was for you now. You told me to get out of the shower and look at myself in the mirror. I was ruined and disgusting and shining like a candle with joy in that mirror, My Master. I got back in the shower and you bent your fuck toy over and abruptly entered and raw fucked FC3 while I moaned loudly and braced myself against the wall.

Shortly after you pulled out and looking at your Lamb, now used in every fuck cunt by her Wolf’s cock, truly your Owned and Treasured Property. You decided to wash me yourself and gently soaped me with your own hands, rinsing me clean and helping me out. Then I toweled you dry and then myself and crawled back to the bed, as tired and meek as a child. I bowed my head beneath your hands as you collared me again for the night, telling me to leave my plug out in case you wanted to use me again. Then after bouncing around the room a bit arranging things, you pulled me firmly into your arms and kissed me good night. You quickly dropped off and I lay there awake a few minutes, feeling the strange sensation of the collar around my neck and my opened and empty FC3 with no plug. Then I drifted off as well, your very happy and blissful Slave.

Playing in the Woods 11/28/20

Posted on by Avertas

It’s going to be so hard to behave myself, My Master

I am so obsessed with you

“But that is why you will obey me and behave, my little Slave”

I will, of course, My Master

But it’s so hard when you look like that

Exposed, Teased, Tormented and A Taste of Master’s Cock

As instructed, I arrived at the trailhead at nine am, prepared with a cafe mocha for you, a fully charged phone and the Hush in FC3. I had added an almond biscotti as an extra treat for My Master, remembering your sweet tooth and fondness for little gestures of devotion. As previously instructed, I was wearing the open cup bra I had ordered special made in dark red and black which you refer to as part of my “uniform”. It has an underwire that lifts the breasts but no cup so the majority of the breast and the nipples are completely exposed for you to play with or show as you desire. This was under a cranberry colored shirt that had a deep surplice V neckline which opened to the waist and allowed my breasts to be easily exposed with just a slight tug of the fabric. This was paired with tight black leggings, a black scarf and hiking boots. I felt like a proper service sub, rushing out of the coffee shop, ass firmly plugged, my exposed nipples hard and a my mind a little harried thinking I might be keeping My Master waiting.

You had beat me there by a few minutes and greeted me appearing relaxed, in good spirits and looking absolutely gorgeous in aviators, jeans and a winter jacket, still tan from the warmer climate you had been enjoying. I took pleasure in presenting you with your coffee and leaned forward to kiss you, at which you gave me a stern frown and shake of the head and reminded me that I needed to ask. I apologized sheepishly and you allowed your eager little Pet to kiss and nuzzle your cheeks. You took me on your arm, gave me a hug and a snuggle and we headed up the trail after you took my phone and set the Hush in your FC3 to vibing a nice pattern which made me moan in pleasure. A few minutes in you glanced around and seeing no one immediately about, promptly gave my ass several loud and firm slaps. I winced, gasped and then giggled at how loud it was. This was just a taste of the play to come.

We slowly worked out way up the steep and rocky hill typical of this region until we came to an overlook. This was a popular hiking spot and people popped in and out every five to ten minutes or so on their way up the mountain. We were briefly alone and admiring the view when you wrapped your arms around me, whispered in my ear for me to cum and reached into my shirt, expertly locating and pinching my nipple hard while I orgasmed in your arms. Then you abruptly pulled open my top, fully exposing your Property’s breasts to the chilly breeze at the top of the cliff where we stood, promptly hardening my naked nipples. I was shocked and whimpered a protest, trying to curl my chest in, but you took my arms and pulled them back, thrusting my breasts out further. I had never been so exposed and immediately felt FC2 throbbing with excitement. You saw people heading up the trail and turned me slightly, while I covered myself in a second and we casually resumed walking, greeting other hikers with polite small talk as we strolled along.

Little did the other morning hikers know how you were torturing your Slave right in front of them. Alternating between the periods of walking, chatting and admiring the views, you repeatedly ordered me to cum, sometimes in full view of others, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes in your arms, telling me to hold onto you and other times no mercy was shown and you demanded I continue the conversation we had been enjoying even as an orgasm rolled through my body, telling me to keep walking, keep explaining, keep kissing you or whatever I had been doing when you ordered me to orgasm. I tried so hard to do so, but my brain doesn’t work very well when I am sexually excited and you laughed to see your smart alpha submissive, barely able to string words together, cumming in my panties on your command. You kept playing with the Hush, at times leaving it off, other times running a pattern sent vibrations from your stuffed FC3 through my sensitive and aroused FC2. During all this you kept up a wonderful and natural flowing of a mix of endearments, calling me your Pet, Treasure, Princess mixed with frequent verbal degradation, constantly reminding me I was your whore, your Slut, your Piss Pup, your Slave. Always, always your Slave.

We reached the top of the ridge where there was a large tower, which we were unable to climb due to COVID restrictions. There were attractive grounds with outbuildings and you led us around them, chatting pleasantly with the strangers we bumped into. You again pulled me into your arms, letting me kiss and caress you with your permission. You fondled my breasts and pinched my nipples, you grabbed my hair and pulled my head far back, exposing my neck which you bit, harder than before, making me moan in pleasure and pain. I enjoyed feeling more of your body as you let me rub my hands over your ass, while I wigged against you in excitement, causing you to laugh at your horny Slut Slave. You had forgotten a hat and complained of your ears being cold and I happily offered to warm them with my mouth or my hands, both of which you took advantage of. I enjoyed very much having my body be used by you for this need and I told you that to do so was my purpose, to bring you comfort and pleasure and you agreed and called me “such a devoted Slave”.

We wandered off to a small picnic shelter, slightly less exposed although I could still see people, they were looking away at the view or chatting with their companions. I couldn’t keep my hands or my mouth off you and you seemed to enjoy the affectionate touch, having not been caressed by another in a long time while you were away. I was indulged with more kissing, biting, hair pulling and command orgasms; you reached around and firmly shoved the Hush even deeper in your FC3 and rubbed my clit through my tight leggings, making me pant and press against your hand. Then you told me to kneel which I was nervous about, given the public setting but I didn’t hesitate, trusting that you would not have me do so unless it was reasonably safe. You had me recite Morning Prayer again which I did readily while staring deep in your eyes. You allowed me to stand and we headed back down the trail.

It was getting busier on the trail with large groups of hikers as the morning went on. We attempted to find a quieter area but it was difficult. Finally you took us off the path to a slightly less trafficked area, although people were clearly not far away. I was excited, hoping that you would allow me to suck on your cock, which I had been dreaming about and desiring for months. Indeed, you told me to kneel and open my mouth, “no hands” was my instruction and you unbuttoned and unzipped and your thick hard cock was in my face, much to my delight. I eagerly took you in my mouth and sucked it with your warm, wet, FC1, running my tongue up the bottom of your cock and savoring the feel of you. You had me look up at you several times and pulled it out to wipe it across my face, smearing me with spit, having me hold my mouth open while you rested your cock gently in FC1, knowing I was desperate to suck you again. Finally you allowed me to again begin to suck and lick you and I felt you getting harder as I continued. I was so aroused and feeling thrilled, hoping that I would be able to make you cum in a few more minutes when you abruptly stopped and had me button you back up.

Of course I followed orders but I was sad that I didn’t get to bring you to climax and get to taste My Master’s cum. We continued down the trail, still snuggling and kissing, with you at one point stopping in the middle of the trail and wrapping your arms around me, having me cum, which I did hard, shaking in pleasure at which point you reached into my shirt again and flicked my nipples hard. This was much more painful that the pinching and I gasped loudly in surprise at the intensity, which caused my orgasm to immediately fade. You noticed and asked and I explained that sharp pain can cause me to lose my focus on the pleasure that you allow me. I also shared that I was worried about my ability to tolerate pain and that I hoped you would go slow with me, which you reassured me you would.

We headed to lunch at the restaurant of your choice and you told me it would be your treat, a gesture which made me smile and feel spoiled. At lunch we enjoyed chatting about a wide variety of topics; again the conversation was easy and flowing. You rolled your eyes in amusement and frustration at my tendency to talk too loudly when excited, which you have to continually correct and I suggested a gag for the future. You thought perhaps a shock collar. You let me sit next to you in the booth and kept a hand on me or had me put my leg over yours so we were always physically connected throughout the meal. You fed me again. At one point you decided to briefly exposed my tits in this crowded dining room, which made me literally squirm and protest as the hostess was scanning the room in boredom. You put my hands flat on the table and made me cum, feeling my body shake against yours, your power over me, telling me to squeeze your hand so I could stay quiet.

After lunch you walked me to my car and backed me against it, grabbing me by the hair (which I love) and pulling my head so far back, it felt like all I could see was the blue autumn sky and your dark eyes. You bit me again, I will have to see if I have marks this morning. Then you flipped me around and pulled my shoulders back, pinning them behind me alternating with rubbing them in massage. The massage felt fantastic as my muscles are tight from the heavy workouts I do. You told me that soon you would restrain me like that, shoulders pinned back, chest thrust forward. Then you looked around the parking lot, which was surrounded by office buildings on all sides and, although not full, was busy with cars and people going by every few minutes. You pulled my shirt open, which I thought would again be for a second only, but instead of caressing, pinching or flicking your play toys, you pressed them hard, against the cold glass window of your car, while you pinned my arms behind me. You arranged my scarf over the sides so that at a very casual glance we would just look like an amorous couple in a slightly inappropriate cuddle but anyone who took a second look or had the right angle would see that you actually had my full, naked breasts squished and exposed while you held me down. I scanned the windows of the building around me, while I took in the sensation of the smooth cold glass on my now tender nipples and felt your strong hands on me, pushing me down, placing me as you wanted me, using me. I don’t know how long I was held like that, probably no where near as long as it felt. You released me and I covered myself and dove back into your arms and you held me and stroked my hair, then buried your hand in it and pulled my head up, telling me to kiss your cheeks again, which I did so, feeling so soft, Owned, controlled. I loved how you pushed me and yet were there for me afterwards.

We said our goodbyes and I sat in the car for a bit to collect my thoughts and just relax. I felt exhausted but calm and happy. There had been so many new things and I enjoyed them so much. I love how you brought together moments of shock, pain and humiliation with tenderness, affection and pleasure. That is the combination I truly love and find so addicting and exciting. I realized fully how much power you have over me and how you will not hesitate to use it as you wish. A thought which makes me both excited with anticipation and of course, also a little nervous even though I feel great trust in you, My Master. I know you will push me like no other would dare.

Although our physical interactions were incredible throughout the morning, some of the things we talked about were equally important and appreciated by me. Several times while hiking you mentioned my play partner, as I had told you that I had notified him that I was no longer available for sex. I was uncertain about how to react as you never spoke or asked about him before. You reflected on that stage in our relationship, stating that you felt that it was only after that error and almost losing you that I deepened my submission or as you put it you “set the hook”. Talking about that time is very emotional for me and my eyes filled with tears thinking about how I could so easily have never even had these experiences with you because of my impulsivity and poor sexual self control. You understand that your Slave needs to continue to work on self control and receive firm correction and consequences for her errors. Also you brought up that you had been chatting with a new woman on Tinder and told me about her, her BDSM interests, showed me your texts and that you had suggested she stop by for lunch if she was interested in meeting us. Sadly she was clear in her desire for a monogamous relationship with a potential Dom but I thanked you for your transparency about your continued pursuit of other women either for casual play or for you to take as another sub/gf. I’m glad we are talking about that and your honesty and openness really helps me feel safe and connected to you which reduces my inevitable anxiety about my role as you take on new relationships in the coming weeks and months.

It was an amazing morning spent in service and play with My Master. I thank you for your attention and for continuing to choose me for your Slave. I thank you for the delicious lunch and the many orgasms, My Master. My goal is your happiness, My Lord, and your use of me fills me with pleasure. I hope soon you will choose to fill me with your cum as well, I can’t wait to have access to your whole body and hope you will allow me to lavish you with my service, attention and affection, knowing you can take whatever pleasure you desire from your Property with just a word.

Update 11/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Thinking back, what 10 months

*Screenshot of our original conversation after Matching on an online dating site*

Did you think you would be here then?”

Never in a thousand years did I imagine a relationship as wonderful as this, My Master

I didn’t know anything

About myself

About what I was capable of

About serving a true Master

I’m so very lucky to have been chosen by you, My Lord

“True

And thank you for being open to such a relationship”

I think of all the boring, inexperienced Doms I could have ended up with

Yuck

“You would have Dominated him within a month

Or Less”

Yep 🙂 🙂 🙂

I feel safe with you, My Master

Your Dominance is natural to you and yet you have developed it and educated yourself

I think I present some challenges but that will just keep you interested, My Master

They are also opportunities

“Challenges are good

Plus your Huntress nature is just whip cream on an already yummy cake”

Homecoming

It has been a challenging month as we edge closer to the end of a challenging year…but as you say, challenges are good, My Master. I have not been writing the blog as I had an abrupt increase in my work responsibilities that required me to work longer hours and also be isolated from my family and friends. I also was working though a period of feeling distant from you, uncertain of your interest in me outside of as a trophy and a potential source of group sex, insecure about whether we were truly a good match and if either of us would be satisfied in our dynamic.

As I have observed many times over the past ten months, when there is tension in our relationship, the first thing to go for me are the command orgasms, followed by the desire to submit. Acts of submission are uncomfortable, unnatural and anxiety provoking when I don’t feel sure about being your Slave, like praying when your heart is full of doubt. I stopped praying when I was 12 because I hated that feeling of being fake. But I still went to church and sat politely in the pew, because that was expected of me and I knew my role. Similarly I have never stopped kneeling, following the rules and performing our Rituals everyday regardless if my heart is in them because I respect my role as your Slave which I have agreed to and in my opinion this is part of it. The discipline, consistency and dedication to keep getting on your knees for your Dom even when it isn’t easy, when you don’t feel connected, when you feel stupid and unhappy and lost.

Because we are adults and we have both worked hard on building communication in this relationship we were able to talk about what was going on. It is the same pattern we have seen multiple times now. You get stressed, bored, distracted, busy and withdraw your energy and attention. I notice immediately (like any good needy little sub), try to give you space, wait for you to come back, get panicky when you don’t, increase my acts of service hoping to gain your attention and praise. When that doesn’t work I feel rejected, hurt and angry, suspicious that you have found another sub who is more interesting, scared that I am going to get hurt even worse. So I then withdraw to protect myself, no longer feel safe, no longer able to submit with my whole heart because I am not sure of my place with you. This is all worsened a thousand fold by high stress in both our lives, lack of privacy limiting direct communication and a lot of uncertainty about what our relationship will even look like when we meet in real life. I freely admit that I am highly sensitive to feeling rejected right now as I am struggling with feeling undesired and rejected in my marriage.

We talked and we listened to each other. I asked you to please let me know when you need to step back because you are stressed and overwhelmed. That feels better for me and it is a normal thing to need a break. Being a Dom requires a lot of energy; it’s okay to not always have that. If I don’t know the reason for the changes in you, I will assume it is something wrong with me, that I am displeasing you in some way, that you are looking to replace me and that those feelings are damaging to the dynamic. Since that conversation things have improved immensely. You were reassuring that you don’t want to release me from your service. I explained why I was no longer orgasming on your command and my general lack of submissive feelings at that time. After few days of increased effort on both sides at attending to the relationship we had a good session where you re-established your dominance and control over me, calling me on video chat, putting me on my knees and then on my belly on the floor in obedience and worship of you, My Master. I had been waiting for you to do it as part of your duties as the Dominant and necessary to the healing of the breach in our dynamic. It was beautiful to feel that connection to you again, My Master. To kneel and obey My Master, safe in the knowledge that I am chosen to serve him. That he sees and values my dedication and the gift of my submission is not worthless.

Then both our worlds got crazy as you entered the last phases of preparing to return home and I was swept up in the stress of life. And suddenly it’s here, you’re on the doorstep, a few days away from being local. You have decided when and where we will meet, have told me in advance that you plan to use your FC1 at minimum and that all your FC should be available, with FC3 to be stuffed with the Hush. You have asked about my feelings and I am of course, nervous and preoccupied. I know you will like me, My Master, I am not worried about that. I know that the sex part will be fine and I’m fairly confident that I will feel submissive to you in real life. Although there is a tiny part that can’t help but think, what if I don’t feel it? What if I don’t have an urge to submit to this man in the flesh? Then what? I’m sure you are smiling now, My Master, at such a silly idea.

What I am more concerned about is everything outside the sexual aspect of our BDSM dynamic. The parts of you that you have not shared much but which you cannot hide if we are going to spend time together doing more that just kinky sex (and I am so much looking forward to the kinky sex!). We are sort of in a 24/7 thing, My Master, which is easy to maintain when we are just texting and exchanging sexy pics and nasty porn clips but how about when we spend four hours together having lunch and watching a movie? This is where I have no experience with how to act as your sub and also your friend and lover. I hope that you will be patient with me as we figure out that part, who we are to each other outside of the sex and kink and how we interact. It’s okay that we don’t have an answer to that and it will take some time because in that aspect of things we are just beginning, even though other parts of our relationship are so intense and well developed.

So meeting you is a strange and new thing for me, My Master. I have never been in a long distance relationship before and just that part, meeting someone I have been talking to for almost a year would be nerve wracking enough. But for it to be My Master, a man I have given so much power to, a man I have longed for, a man I have dreams and hopes about, a man that I respect and desire…well, of course, I am a mess. But also excited and hopeful. The only way out is through and I cannot wait for this week to go by. I long for the moment I can be with you, be claimed by you in the flesh and for everything to begin.

Weekly Update Oct 19-25th

Posted on by Avertas

May I please have a third orgasm, My Master

Two freebies and the extra for the piss play, My Master

“Sure

If you hold the piss in your mouth for that third one”

How long, My Master?

Voice Message:

“Hello Pet, hold a little in reserve before you pour it on your face….after your second orgasm and you feel the urge for the third, fill your mouth and hold it for 50 count…No, that’s too much for your first time…for 25 count

And just to show you I am flexible and generous as your Owner and Master I will give you the possibility of upgrading your freebies from 2 to 3 until the end of November…if after the third orgasm you swallow the urine, My Little Piss Pup”

I don’t know, My Master

I don’t think I’m there yet

Besides, I don’t like doing big things like that without you, My Lord

But I will try to hold it for 25 count, My Master

“Well….approximately when will you be playing?”

…..

“Text me after your second orgasm, my Fuck Meat

And if I can, I will join you”

Swallowing Piss and Getting Flogged

Kneeling in the tub, already doused in urine and feeling physically cold and mentally excited, I sent you a text as instructed with your FC2 still dripping from the second orgasm. Immediately I smiled as I saw the incoming video call and I accepted it quickly to see My Master’s handsome face, looking pleased as he viewed his naked, wet, kneeling and smiling Slave in a small puddle of her own urine. Even though I was alone, I still didn’t feel like talking, mostly communicating with you through pantomime, body language and my eyes. I felt nervous and uncertain, as I obviously knew what you were going to ask me to do and I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I also felt very happy at getting an unexpected video play session with My Master. While you were talking to me I playfully stuck a dildo in FC1 and wagged my head at you like a true Pup and you burst out laughing and looked surprised and amused by your silly Slave. You told me you were in a public place, “hard as a rock” and I smiled to hear that My Wolf was enjoying the play as much as I was. I do love when you show or tell me how hard and aroused you are by me and our play. I hope soon such communication will be unnecessary as you will simply pound that hard cock into one of your FC to show your feelings on the matter.

I had set aside some piss as instructed from the large container I had already poured over your Property’s face and tits It was clear and diluted as I had thankfully been keeping up with my hydration that day. As time was limited, after having me follow a few commands for edging, you had me fill FC1 with my own piss. You did not command me to drink it, which I would have preferred, but rather reminded me of the reward of a third freebie orgasm a day until the end of next month if I swallowed it after a count of 50. I had minimally tasted my own piss before, as you had allowed me to only lick it off my hands or rinse my mouth. Now it was fully in my mouth and there was no way to avoid tasting it fully. It tasted like mildly brackish, funky water, nothing too terrible. Still the actual act of doing it, the “wrongness” and the obscenity of it was exciting to me.

You had me start edging FC2 while I was supposedly counting to 50 with my mouth full (which I totally was not because my mind was way too preoccupied with deciding if I should swallow or not, My Master). I was very aroused, your FC2 slippery, the cold piss on my skin, the warm piss filling FC1, nakedly displayed for My Master. Your eyes darkened with lust as you watched me but you stayed quiet, waiting to see what I would chose to do. I don’t remember the order now, because I was subbed out at this point, but I do remember thinking, ah, fuck it, swallow it and I remember cumming and I remember your crow of delight and saying I was your good Piss Pup. I remember you taught me how to show you my mouth was empty and you said soon I would drink your piss. And I just smiled and wiggled and FC2 dripped with joy.

We had to end and I cleaned up and showered and resumed my normal day. Smiling to myself and high on the feeling of connection and the excitement and shock of actually doing it. Swallowing my own piss, wallowing in my own degradation and embracing it. I am feeling more accepting of it as we continue, My Master. I know drinking your piss and cum will make me very happy, My Lord. I feel disgusting and exalted admitting that “out loud” but it is true. I think you are pleased that I chose to swallow. You have enjoyed reminding me of my actions and “Piss Pup” has been the nickname of choice for the last several days.

We arranged a get together last night with a few of your friends that I am getting to know better. It was a lovely evening and I brought wine which we enjoyed while having snacks and desserts and talking for hours. You were texting us off and on as we sent you pics. Your friends speak highly of you but don’t mince words. They are good mentors as I enter the lifestyle and help me understand how things are done. They both have warmed to me as an individual, I feel, not only as your submissive and this makes the friendships more natural. Eventually I was chatting with just your female friend about our relationships and troubles and I admitted that I had very little experience with impact. She excitedly got up from the couch where we had been lounging and invited me up to her room to see her collection of impact tools.

She showed me her canes, both single and several bound together, floggers, both suede and electric, a riding crop and a small hide whip. First she demonstrated them on a pillow and then asked me if I would like to feel them on my body. I immediately told her she needed your permission, and she giggled and said, of course and texted you. Your reply was “BE GENTLE…Regardless of what she says. Her body is My blank canvas to paint on”. You also ordered me to cum but I did not see that text as I was stripping off my jeans and top, laying on her bed in my thong and black strapless bra. She began warming me up, explaining the different tools and hitting me on the legs and ass with them at varying intensities. The sensations were strange and new, not unpleasant. At times she would run the implement sensually up and down my body, sending a shiver of pleasure through me. Then she would hit me again. She was curious about my responses and seemed to be enjoying herself, laughing as she explained things and enthusiastic.

I asked her to send you some pictures and she did, teasing you that she was marking me. You texted her to tell me to cum and she laughed and said “Oh he says that you should cum, Pet” and I didn’t respond, just dropped my face quietly on the bed and orgasmed silently while she alternated between gentle and progressively harder hits. I had her take another pic with my Slave plug exposed and she was surprised that I was plugged and asked many questions about it, as most Lifestyle people seem to do when they realize how long I stay plugged. I pulled it out in front of her and showed it to her, then put it back in and she started hitting me again. My ass was getting beautifully red and hard in spots, which she told me was good and would allow me to tolerate more impact once it got like that. We ended the session as it was getting late and I needed to get home. I was very thankful to her for taking the time to do such a gentle and educational session with me and thanked her profusely, gave her a big hug and headed home.

This morning I sent you a picture of your Property, lightly marked with cane marks and a few superficial bruises, nothing that won’t fade in a day or two. I must say, I was surprised that happened but not displeased. I think your friend enjoyed mentoring and providing me with the experience. Of course, I do wish you had been there yourself, My Master, but as you point out, one of the benefits of us being apart is that it makes space for things to happen in a different way. By the time you return to me, I will have my own friendships with some of your people. They are delightful and I am filled with gratitude that you have enriched my life by including me in your social group.

Weekly Update 10/11/20-10/18/20

Posted on by Avertas

Thank you, My Master

I am out of the shower

Thank you for the orgasms, My Lord

“You just become more and more responsive

How are you feeling?

Besides surface clean”

So, so happy, My Master

A teensy bit shocked but not bad right now, My Master

I really enjoyed that interaction with you, My Master

Hearing your voice and being able to look in your eyes was incredibly powerful

There aren’t enough words for me to say Thank You, My Lord

“It was my Pleasure

Trust me.

Muahahahaha

My piss puppy”

😀 😀 😀

“Lapping at your bowl until it was dry and clean”

I enjoy being your good girl and My Wolf’s little piss pup”

Yay

New Fetish….Awoken?

Or

Jury still out”

(Photo sent to Master of Slave plug back in clean, stretched out FC3)

Oh it’s definitely a new kink, My Master

“Your slave plug is begging for a tail”

And you approached it perfectly, My Master

Allowing myself to be degraded to give My Master amusement and show my obedience is completely in line with what I enjoy so much, My Master

“Yum”

And I really like you watching and me not being able to talk was surprisingly a positive, My Master

(Slave sends pic of herself, half smiling, bundled in a terrycloth bathrobe with wet hair)

“Perhaps….we will use hand signals

Since you are such a smarty…giving you limited options to respond will slow your mind

Cutie”

Yes, gags will be good, My Master

I like drooling, My Master

I can’t believe I rinsed my mouth out with my own pee, My Master

“I did command it

But you did do it.

You just didn’t hold it for very long”

I chose to follow My Master’s command

You know what the best thing is, My Master?

I’ve always been very sexual and when I learned about kink I was always excited and drawn to it

But also scared

“What is the best thing”

You are

You are the best thing, My Master

You don’t just accept those dark, “wrong” parts of me

You actually WANT them, My Master

You have no idea how freeing that is, My Lord

In my bondage to you I have become free to explore my full self

That is why I have so much gratitude in my heart for you, My Lord

“You are welcome”

Cam Girl Piss Pup

This week, after a grueling session at the gym during which we had been texting off and on, you suggested that I hold off on showering until later and drink a lot of water about 15 minutes before hand because you wanted to video call me. I was thrilled and excited to be approached by you for play and that you scheduled play, which is something I very much appreciate. Given the instructions, I knew it would be something to do with watersports, a new kink for me we have been actively exploring over the past few weeks. I was particularly pleased that you wanted to video call, because I look forward to being under your direct instruction, I like for you to see you Property when we play and it helps me feel much more connected to you than texting during play.

The house was empty, I stripped naked and took all the clutter out of the shower. There was no way to “dress up” for you, as I would be nude throughout but I put on some red lipstick. I pulled out my Slave plug from your tight FC3 and grabbed a suction cup dildo, as instructed. I felt aroused, excited, flattered that you were making time for me and ready to explore my limits. I saw the video call come through and I jumped into my empty tub, immediately kneeling and looking up into your dark eyes, immediately smiling with happiness at seeing My Master. It was dark where you were, outside somewhere for privacy but your face and eyes would come in and out of visibility as we played. My Lord appearing and disappearing from the darkness of the night. Right away you asked me if I was ready to have some limits pushed. I smiled nervously and shrugged, giving you a small nod. I know now that you are not exaggerating when you say such things. I have never said “no” to that question though, have I, My Master?

You started by explaining how you wanted me to communicate, as I would not be speaking. You had previously informed on how I could safeword (by sending you an “ok” hand signal), which I was thankful you had considered. You then immediately had me warm up your holes by having me suck the dildo for ten strokes, then stuff the it in FC3 which I easily did and followed your instructions to give it deep strokes to counts of ten. You seemed pleased at how well trained your holes have become as I took the dildo easily all the way to the base in FC1 and without any need for warm up in FC3. You also commented on approving of the upgrades of your tits, which made me feel good. You asked me to assume the position I had before, when you asked me to piss on myself lying on my back so it ran over my breasts and face. We laughed as I tried to do the same in this shower with much awkwardness. I appreciate that we are both open to humor even in play, My Master, it would be hard for me to have a Master that couldn’t see the funny side of kink at times.

Unfortunately for some reason I was not able to release my pee in that position this time, despite my aching and full bladder. You asked if I felt “stage fright” but it wasn’t that. I feel very comfortable doing anything in front of you now, My Master. I feel like this is your Property, inside and out. There is nothing to hide from you. I think it was just the position, maybe. You suggested plan B, which was to find a container. I did so and you had me piss into it while kneeling. You had me keep FC3 stuffed full with the dildo as much as possible, although at some point I pushed it out while cumming and it was forgotten. You continued to order me to cum, casually dropping the command and watching with eager, hungry eyes as your Slave Property responded immediately. I don’t watch myself cum often, My Master, but it was sexy to see my own mouth drop open and my eyes dilate, my tits push forward and legs automatically spread open as my body responded to your words alone.

You had me lift up the container of hot piss and started by having me pour it over my tits and stomach. I did so, feeling it run over my naked body with a mix of excitement and disgust. You made me cum, then piss again and hold it over my head. I continued to follow your instructions, feeling nervous, pleased and extremely aroused. I hesistantly poured the piss on my head, streaming through my blond hair and dripping onto my shoulders. It wasn’t enough for you and you had me do it again, over my face this time, which elicited a gasp of shock from me as I realized what I had just done. You heard it and took a minute to remind me verbally what I was doing, how I was being an obedient, pathetic piss covered Slave. You made me cum again, dripping with piss and kneeling it and told me to rub your clit. When I did so, FC2 was absolutely soaking wet and slippery. I came hard at your instruction, writhing in my own waste while you watched me in delight, my mouth open, wet hair now clinging to my face and neck, desperate eyes seeking you, panting in esctasy. You had me look deep in your eyes and pound FC3 again and I slipped down into the dark space, the deep ocean where I feel and think about nothing but what it happening NOW, while only emptiness and wildness are left; my raw self. You saw it, holding me with your eyes as I ravaged your Property and recognition and satisfaction flickered across your handsome face as you purred out, “Oh, we are going to have fun together, My Slave”.

You let me come up a bit and asked me again if I was ready to push limits. At this point I was completely in the palm of your hand, but still this new kink and being on camera was intense. I felt safe and connected with you, so I agreed, filling the container once again and holding it on my lap, kneeling patiently and obediently while I looked at you for guidance. You warned me that “this will be a big one” and I nodded silently. I knew what you were going to ask for next, a natural progression but still…it is a big one. You suggested I drink it, watching me carefully and seeing my hesitation, you softened your command, telling me to pour my piss in your FC1 and let it run out over my tits. I paused and thoughts of disbelief and confusion ran through my head. This was far from subspace, but still part of my development. Deciding to obey. You did not bark orders or try to persuade. You just watched me and gave me time, knowing that your Slave wants to please and obey you always. I held the container up, biting my lip then thought, fuck it, let’s go and opened my mouth and poured it in, immediately letting it fall out again, the salty, watery taste barely registering but the shocking obscenity of the act hitting me like a train. Then you had me lick the container clean. I believe I moaned out loud at that point and you knew to stop. You rewarded me with praise and had me fuck FC3 for your view a few more times as you know I love that, then released me. You gave me 15 minutes to shower and told me I had unlimited orgasms in that 15 minutes, then to message you.

In the shower I washed the piss off my body, shampooed and conditioned my hair and thought about you and everything I had just done for you, My Master. It all felt natural and right and nothing was forced. I felt a little bit shocked and surprised that I had gone that far, but also part of me knows that I want to go that far and even farther to be perfectly honest, My Master. It’s not that I think it is wrong, its just so different and I can’t help but consider what other people would think and how I would be judged. These thoughts swirled around in my head for a few minutes and then I remember that I had unlimited orgasms, so I washed my dildo and pleasured FC2 and your clit, thinking about everything we had just done and imagining the future, with you pissing on me, in me and having me piss on and be pissed on by others. Needless to say several orgasms were the result and I emerged with clean skin, hair, holes and a lovely glow from such hard use of all your fuck cunts as well as your Slave’s depraved mind.

I chose the text exchange we had immediately following this intense and wonderful play because it shows well how deeply appreciated your acceptance and leadership has been to me as we explore this new kink for me together. As you know, one of the things that drew me to you and keeps me eagerly in your service is your deep kinkiness, adventurous spirit and natural dominance. Your killer good looks are a bonus feature as well, My Wolf. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful to be your Slave, but this was a very special day. Thank you for helping me become your fuck cunt dripping, ass stuffed, drooling, crawling, piss soaked Pathetic Slut Slave, My Master.

Weekly Update 8/16/20-8/23/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Whattttttttt are you?”

Your Property, My Master

“Check your email”

(New Mantras for Identify, Loyalty and Grounding from My Master)

Thank you, My Master

I just read them all out loud to myself in the car

“And….”

I loved Grounding and Loyalty, My Master

I will need to get used to the changes you made in the Identify Mantras, My Master

They surprised me

“O”

I assure you My Master that I am not lying to you or seeking outside relationships

Other than being on the lookout for potential women for us to play with or a potential gf for you, as instructed, My Wolf

I understand from your words that is clearly a concern and I will accept these Mantras, My Master

I am on my knees for YOU

I seek attention from YOU

Yes, I tease and attract but that is just a game, My Master

It is not serious and I follow your restrictions happily

You have my heart and mind, My Master

My body is your Property

“Pet,

You are an attention slut.

And, by your own disclosure, when people flirt….

You could easily drift.”

“Yes.

It is”

“I am an Open minded Owner.

I don’t mind if my Mutt holds her own leash at times.

Review and send me SUGGESTED Modification to the mantras”

No, My Master

I will take these Mantras as they stand, My Lord

Until YOU are ready to soften them

Bc YOU believe that I am true to you

I already know it

But it will not hurt me to be reminded of the potential for weakness, My Master

“Master doesn’t want to HARM his property.

Use and abuse, sure…”

Your doubt does not harm me, My Wolf

It saddens me

It frustrates me

But I will earn your trust, My Lord

Deepening

It has been a busy week. I have struggled to start this blog entry, not sure how to tie together the many things we have been discussing and planning together, My Wolf. On a broader level, I guess that reflects how well and frequently we are communicating now. We have made great progress over the past few weeks and I feel strongly connected, more confident in my submission and even more excited about the future as I become less anxious that you will abandon me upon returning home. You have been open about your thoughts for organizing your relationships with me and others and I appreciate that transparency. You have continued to connect me with others in your life and the Lifestyle in general, having me chat on line with previous and current playmates/subs this week. I do find it challenging to understand what tone to take with these women as I don’t want to look like a fool because I don’t know the backstory of your relationship with them, nor do I want to overstep accidentally as I don’t know what your thoughts are on what their role might be in your life.

In response to some of these concerns, we spoke over the phone this week for the first time in a long time. I have recently purchased a beautiful new car and you have been helping me celebrate with various fun and kinky tasks. We talked in the car in a secluded parking lot of a local park, ironically the same one where we talked after I broke your trust with my Play Partner. That time it was raining and I wept through the entire conversation. This time it was a beautiful, hot summer night and there were no tears, but instead attention, connection, humor, trust, release, honesty and pleasure. You had me bring a wand, of course and led your Property through orgasm after orgasm, as you know so well how to do. Again and again you asked me what I am, who I am. Again and again I answered, I am your Property, I am your Slave as the pressure built, as the climax ripped through me, I yelled it, “I am YOUR SLAVE”. I am blushing and smiling now, to think of it.

Beyond the play, however, My Master, which is always excellent with you, was the sense of ease we have arrived at. I hope you felt it too. Not disrespectful, not dismissive of the dynamic between us, but I think reflecting that both of us are letting our walls down slowly and also understanding each other. The fact that we can enjoy just talking together, laughing and comfortable, that gives me great hope for the future too. We work well together outside of the purely sexual/BDSM realm and that will make some of our plans for traveling together and other adventures more pleasant for both of us. You are an intelligent, open minded and articulate man and I enjoy your company when I am seated by your side as much as when I am on my knees.

I also returned to work this week, which was surprisingly physically challenging for me after the surgery. My work is not physically difficult but mentally requires attention to detail, careful decision making, strong emotional control and leadership. While I have been up and about for some time now, I had been taking a rest in the afternoon, obviously not possible at work. I am impatient with weakness in myself and frustrated by being slower and more easily fatigued than usual. You are well aware of this tendency in myself and have been keeping a close eye on my activity level, encouraging me to rest, adapting Tasks to reduce the stress on me and chiding me gently for not getting enough sleep. You charge me with taking good care of your Property, which motivates me more than my own discomfort. Many experiences in my life have reinforced my fatigue or discomfort as being of little consequence and to be ignored in favor of getting work done and meeting the needs of others. This training, both implicit and explicitly reinforced by my profession and motherhood, has helped me be successful in life, but at the cost of not always being in tune with my own needs. And in a fucked up way, I take pride in that as well. Being such a work horse and martyr that never breaks, that cannot break without harming those that I carry, that I am responsible for.

With you I feel things are more equal. I care for you, think about you and your needs, take actions to show you my devotion and offer you my attention and thoughts when you want them. I do protect you, My Master, in my own way. In return you lift some responsibility from my shoulders by controlling my sexuality and more and more my relationships outside my marriage. The other night you told me that you are responsible for me, which made me laugh a bit to myself. That will take a long time for me to believe, My Master and require so much trust, for me to truly rest in your Ownership. Ever since I was a young girl, I have felt that there is no protection for me but the protection I provide myself. There is no God watching over me. My parents loved me but, of course, could not stop the world and its terrible and arbitrary cruelty. So I learned young that life is hard and there is no limit on how hard it can become. I am alone in it, and although others may help me, I must be strong enough to persevere and not fall apart no matter what happens next. In subspace, in the throes of overwhelming sensation and sexual oblivion, I am able to let this go and I just exist, floating and open, vulnerable and raw. You will see me then, My Master, my soul shining out of my eyes as you abuse and pleasure the flesh of your Property, more completely than most people in this world will ever know me.

Attention Whore

My new Identify Mantras emphasize your Ownership and my position as worthless, weak willed Property, as is to be expected. However, they also introduced the concept of my being an “attention seeking little girl”, a theme which has become increasingly prominent this week. I am not sure what exactly triggered this change but I have suspicions that it may be related to multiple things. I have been enjoying making playful, cute videos online which have drawn some compliments from others. I was also recently unexpectedly approached by an attractive couple I know online to participate in virtual sex play with them, sexting and watching videos of them performing sex acts for my viewing. Lastly, the dominatrix you are familiar with, whom I had introduced myself to and who indicated an interest in me, came forward with a more solid request for me to join her in a submissive role to dom several young men together.

All of this attention and pursuit has occurred under your watchful eye, My Master, and nothing has been hidden. I have followed all your instructions and restrictions and told you everything communicated between myself and others. I hope that you are able to see the attention and compliments your Property receives as tribute to you as my Owner. I am naturally an extroverted, playful, sexual person, My Master. I enjoy flirting and talking to people. I do enjoy attention and I don’t see that as some terrible or shameful flaw. I think this is one of the traits that actually draws you to me, my curiosity, energy and whole hearted engagement with the world and the people in it. Especially when I am happy and feeling good, I am quite silly and you make me feel that way everyday, My Wolf! I explained to you that you are the target audience for such content and you were surprised which made me sigh and laugh…how do you not understand this, My Master?

I decided to accept the Mantras as they are for several reasons. One, it is extremely important to me that the Mantras come as much from you as possible. I do NOT want to write my own Mantras. They are an important way for you to shape and influence my mind and it would be too easy for both of us to slip into allowing me to write them which undermines our roles. I care less that they are “perfect” and much more that they are from the mind of My Lord. As such, even when they don’t sit well with me, they are useful in that they remind me of what your concerns are, where you see my failings, what you wish me to be attentive to, even if I am less concerned. Perhaps I am over confident, My Master, and certainly, your Pathetic Slut Slave always needs humbling. It is also good for me to practice accepting what I am given by my Lord without criticism or worry about my own desires. Hence why it does me good to be put on my knees as often as you do, so I can bow my head, kiss your feet and remember my place here is not to control but to let go, follow your lead and be grateful you have chosen to put your hand upon me.

Weekly Update 8/3/20-8/9/20

Posted on by Avertas

“So 100 strokes with Satisfyer and no orgasm?”

Correct, My Master

As Instructed

“Impressed, you have earned freebies

Enjoy”

Well I told you I would be able to

…..

“Wellll..

It seems my Slave DOES have will power when it IS important.”

You are so important to me, My Master

I wish you could forgive my mistake

But I will keep trying to show you how much I regret it and improve

I’ll take my shower now if that’s ok

“Forgive, yes.

Forget, never.”

I understand

Good night, My Master

“Good night, My Treasure”

———————————————————————

Thank you, My Master

Your training is taking effect

“You have a long road ahead of you, My Cunt

Crawling.

Worshiping my body

Cumming on command at parties as you hump my foot or boot”

I am your Property and to be used as pleases you best, My Master

“Good girl”

I put myself in your power to be shaped, used, abused, pleasured but always in service to you

“And, here only a few months ago you did not even believe in Remote Control orgasms

Nor

That you were a slave”

My life has changed so much

It’s not at all what I expected

But here I am

“It is rarely what we expect it to be, My Treasure”

Even so, you draw me like a magnet, My Wolf

Anxiety about the Future; Regret about the Past

At the beginning of the week, before I had my cosmetic surgery, you had me perform one more physical Task for you, a variant of Full, which requires me to fill all your Fuck Cunts at once with dildos for a certain number of strokes, if possible concluding with an orgasm with all the cunts stuffed. This is a technically challenging task and can be unpleasant as you encourage me to practice deep throating with FC1 during it. You have been edging me aggressively for the past few weeks to improve orgasm control amongst other things. To test that control we agreed to add on an extension to the task of 100 strokes in FC3 while using the Satisfier on your clit to see if I would be able to do it without orgasming. You clearly thought I would fail, My Master, while I had complete confidence that I could do it and enjoyed being a little “sassy” to you in response to your doubts. We were texting a bit during the Task and after I announced that I had achieved the goal, I hoped you would take the opportunity to perhaps call me briefly or take over and give me some guided orgasms but you were distracted and did not. I was disappointed because I knew that after the surgery I would not be able to play with you for some time nor had you asked to play with me for weeks, but I took it in stride. I reminded myself that I was a Slave and my pleasures are dependent on my Master’s wishes and so, with no orgasm after fucking all your holes thoroughly I cleaned my toys with a dripping, unsatisfied FC2 and started getting ready to take a shower in preparation for my procedure in the morning.

While I was undressing you texted, and we had the exchange above. I was naked, plug loose in your stretched FC3, clit still aching for release, somewhat anxious and guilty about the surgery in the morning and looking at my body in its current form for the last time, wondering if I was making a mistake, wondering how painful and difficult the recovery would be, how much it would inconvenience my family, if it would be worth the money, if I was selfish and stupid for doing this. Initially, your texts caused their usual schoolgirl rush of happiness and your praise made me smile and glow with pride and pleasure. But then, as has happened so many times, you twisted my hand, that I thought you were holding so gently in your steely grip, bringing me to tears and to my knees with your keen observation of my failings. That little comment about being able to control myself when I thought it was important enough to do so, hit me like a truck. I obviously knew you were referencing my breaking of my promise to you about sex with my play partner. I gently put down the phone and melted to the floor, curled up, quietly sobbing so no one else would hear, feeling like I would never truly be free of your doubt and disdain for that error, that you would always cast that in my face, even when I thought that I had pleased you. How can I defend myself from the truth, My Master? It will always be true that I failed you and I lay open my heart to you to be lashed a thousand times, My Lord, if that gives you solace.

Did you know that you had struck me so hard, My Master? Because we mostly communicate by text, I can still hide my hurts and joys from you. You don’t see the times the phone is flung across the bed in frustration. You don’t see me kiss the screen or sigh in bliss or giggle at your joke or grimace in response to an idea for my future use. You don’t see my eyes fill with tears of regret, of confusion, of despair. I pick and choose still what picture I paint for you of myself. I send only the best selfies and the prettiest outfits. I protect myself, weakly, through these little deceits and masks, even as I continue to tumble happily down the rabbit hole of submission to you. But the time for all this will soon be drawing to an end.

Lately, we have been talking more and more about being together in real life. I have been talking with my therapist about it and everything that may or may not come to pass. I need to start talking to my husband about it at some point, although what to say to him baffles me as I barely know how to counsel myself. I am terrified for the masks to be pulled away. For you to see my true face and to look into your dark eyes and see if you will still claim me. Or if there is nothing between us and it was all words and dreams and I must armor myself again. Even now, I do not know, My Master, if you would have been pleased to see those tears from your comment hitting home, or if you would have been surprised or even concerned. It does not matter so much what your reaction would have been, My Master. The fact that I cannot predict it is what is so telling of my ignorance about you. So much about you remains a mystery and yet I cannot hold myself back from what I want to be, what I must be, WHAT I AM…Your Slave and Property.

Upgrading Property

The surgery was uneventful and strange. I was turned into a patient with a simple costume change and coddled by the jolly nurses while they filled out a thousand forms. My undesirable flesh was carefully measured, groped and marked for destruction by my beautiful surgeon who noted several flaws immediately that she casually planned to correct (my belly button was not midline and my right breast slightly larger than my left). I was reassured by a distant but capable anesthesiologist that he wouldn’t let me die when I let him breathe for me. I climbed willingly onto the surgical table, internally amused as the staff transformed me again, this time from a patient into an object needing repair, gently arranging my passive limbs and beginning to refer to me as if I was no longer there even when I still had my wits about me. But soon the good doctor unexpectedly took my hand gently in his and firmly pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply and, of course, like a good girl, I did.

I dimly recall recovery and driving home through what my husband told me later was a terrible storm. I texted you that evening and told you I was high and itchy and fine. I was wrapped tightly in bindings from my armpits to my hip bones with two clear plastic drains coming out of the bottom and the next two days I focused on sleeping, eating and enduring the usual post operative discomforts while my husband ran the household and kept me fed and hydrated. Two days after, I returned to the clinic and was unwrapped and saw my new body for the first time. While it was definitely swollen, bruised and stitched together, the APRN was pleased with the repair and even I could see the potential for a beautiful outcome in my currently somewhat macerated flesh.

You have been quite gentle with me in this period of recovery, My Master. Even before the procedure you declared that I needed to focus on rest and relieved me of being plugged, my usual Tasks and Rituals even including my morning greeting to you, which is one I have honored since very early in our relationship. You have endured my unusual dullness and lack of availability due to the surgery followed shortly by my restlessness, whining and boredom as I start to feel better and yet not well enough to return to my normal routines and service to you. You can be a patient man, My Lord. When you show your concern for your Property, it also brings me to my knees, not from Fear but from another emotion, even more dangerous and frightening to me. Thank you for your kindness to me, your Pathetic Slut Slave, while I am healing, My Wolf. You know I am eager to serve you through my beloved Rituals and challenging Tasks, be plugged again (soon!), enjoy your naughty games and share in your sexy, dirty day dreams and plans for the future.

Weekly Update 6/8/20-6/14/20

Posted on by Avertas

Thank you for letting me have orgasms again, My Lord

I wish I could show you my gratitude with your property

“I know, you stupid cunt.

You are making an effort to improve.

Do not backslide.”

I am a weak willed, pathetic, whiny Slut

I want to be owned by you, My Master

I want to be your perfect Slave and give you my obedience and let you use this property as you desire

I am so glad you can see how I am trying hard to improve

“Nobody is perfect

One can only strive to improve towards perfection

Or at least not a weak willed, pathetic, whiny girl”

I feel scared now to be less than perfect for you tbh, My Master

“Cum”

Healing and Service through Tasks

This week started with me still feeling in a tenuous spot in terms of our connection and your claim on me. You again modified my Tasks and the list grew even longer, with multiple public and private tasks as well as my usual daily tasks of my plugging and unplugging rituals, symbols of owernership (plug and harness) and edging. Luckily I was off work for two days early in the week, which allowed me to focus my energy on completing several of these new Tasks. They are excellent Tasks, of course, as always. A great strength of yours as a Dominant is your creative, devious mind which boldly challenges my obedience, courage and the physical limits of your property through these Tasks. They are fun, naughty, exciting and make my life complicated and interesting. I am grateful for them as an experience in their own right but also as an important way that I show you my obedience, dedication and stamina, especially as I cannot serve you in person yet. I will admit that the volume and intensity of tasks currently is high which makes me anxious about completing all of them. I will continue to work to complete them all for you and I know we can discuss if I am having a hard time getting them done. I feel more confident this week that you will not see any difficulty completing them as laziness or disrespect but rather just struggling with balancing my Slave Tasks with the many other tasks I must do for others.

Because of you and your instructions this week I fucked your FC3 in a public bathroom while sucking your plug, a task which left FC2 dripping wet and my heart racing. I ran errands with your pussy and ass stuffed with vibes and had multiple orgasms standing in the public store, cumming in my panties, so grateful for the requirements to wear a mask to hide my contorted face as pleasure washed over me. I tied my legs up high and fucked all of your holes at once with clothespins on each nipple, then edged for five minutes alternating between the Satisfied and the wand, with your soaking FC2 and opened FH3 still stuffed full while I whispered my Mantras. I lined up three dildos and did over a hundred squats, filling different holes as you directed, at times deep throating one dildo while fucking your ass with another. And yesterday I did a new pain task for you requiring ripping off 12 clothespins while having five orgasms, which you had me post pics from on Fet. I have knelt again and again in submission and worship to you. You have helped me with setting up these tasks, refining how you want them done, combining them, taking over at times to direct me yourself in order to have your property abused in a certain manner. The intensity and demands of the new tasks has been good for both of us and I have felt our connection improving steadily.

I am proud of doing these Tasks and I have enjoyed talking about them with some of my online friends in the Lifestyle who all appreciate your creativity and boldness in the demands you make on me. As well, they are impressed that I am eager to meet these demands, despite risk, discomfort and time demands. Many of them have said that they have engaged in similar tasks but never to the levels that you have already brought me without hesitation. None of them have ever plugged a sub as aggressively as you have or requested such intense public play. I am proud that you push me harder than most Masters would dare and that I can rise to your challenges. I think we have a special connection, My Master. I feel we are well matched in our energy and depth of need for power dynamic, and that although some of our specific kinks are slightly different, we can both grow and adapt to meet those as well. I am so excited by what we have and hopeful and also nervous about the future, as I know you understand. There is great potential. You are so powerful, My Lord. I am in your hands and they are merciless and wonderful.

Sub Drop and Aftercare

Likely due to the increase in volume and intensity of my Tasks this week, as well as perhaps continued intense emotions following my failure and our struggles over the past two weeks, I experienced sub drop for the first time this week. It was after a combination experience of two tasks, “Full” and “Restrained”. You suggested I make a hybrid of the two and actively helped me with the complicated set up, as you had specific desires for how you wanted your Property positioned and what tools and toys to be used.

The task involved two phases, the first is a physically challenging task called Full, which requires me to have all your holes filled at the same time for 80 strokes with a strong emphasis lately on practicing deep throating with FC1, which tends to make me gag and sometimes even vomit. I used to orgasm with this task with your permission but the throat training has made it unpleasant and difficult and I have not been able to do so since you have increased that expectation. This task was completed with clothespins on your tits, Hush buzzing in your ass, dildo in FC2, legs restrained and sucking the dildo stuck to the mirror, meaning I had eye contact with myself throughout and could see your stuffed holes. Then I restrained my legs even higher and moved so that the one on the mirror was now in FC2 and began edging your clit, alternating between the Satisfier and the wand while running the Mantra of Identify through my mind as much as I could, given all the counting and timing required with the edging as well as managing the physical sensations. As well, I sent pictures before and after each phase of your Property. I was allowed to orgasm through the end of the task and had several with my legs tied high and your fuck cunts clenching and spasming around the toys.

After the task I rested a bit and then untied my tight and shaky legs. I physically felt cold and very tired. I usually feel pleased and proud after a task and closer to you but this time I felt alone and isolated. I experienced a sense of worthlessness, depression and rejection unusual for me. I started crying as I was cleaning up and had to stop and just lay down on the floor, still shaking and crying. I had never experience something like this before but recognized that it was probably sub drop from reading about it.

Not sure what to do, I reached out to you by text, asking where you were and telling you I needed you. Its very hard for me to say that, btw. That I need you. Admitting dependency and weakness makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. You did not respond at the time and I felt even more alone and uncertain. It felt like so many other times in my life when I was not helped when I was hurting. That is how I learned that I cannot rely on other people to help. I can only trust myself. I have to take care of myself, protect myself and be stronger than anything that happens to me in my life. I will not allow myself to fail. But then, of course, I am human and I fail all the time. Part of this journey has been admitting to myself that I am weak, that I do fail, that I need people and I need help and accepting that, allowing more honest connection, allowing loss of control over everything, allowing myself and others to see my weaknesses and forgive me for them.

Finally I stopped crying, regrouped, cleaned up and went to bed. I felt emotionally empty and numb and physically sore and fatigued. You texted me later that night and explained that you had lost internet and had fallen asleep. I understood with my rational mind and was not upset but still had lingering feelings of disappointment and detachment. Your tone was light and it felt like you were unconcerned and not really understanding how intense the experience had been to go through without you. To be fair, I did not disclose to you the full depth of what had happened. Because, of course, I did not want to seem needy or to ask you for more support that you might be unwilling or unable to give me.

The next morning I woke up depressed and with a terrible headache. I told you that morning that I was not feeling well but you did not explore it. I texted about the sub drop with a friend who expressed a lot of support and concern about my going through this without your help. He also normalized it for me and told me I was doing well, sending me some posts to lighten my mood. To be honest, I would have appreciated that kind of concern and support from you instead. As the day went on I gradually felt better and by the late afternoon my energy and mood was again at my usual high levels. I listened to a voice recording you had sent me telling me an erotic fantasy and it was so wonderful to hear your voice. I listened to it several times and it made me smile and remember how lucky I am to have you as my Master. I sent you my own voice message on the way home from work, letting you know that I had been thinking of you and how much I appreciated you.

The next few tasks I was worried about experiencing similar drop, but thankfully it did not occur. Yesterday however, we did the Pain and Pleasure task for the first time. You told me this task would likely push my limits for physical pain, which it did and that is one of the goals of the task. You helped me refine how you wanted it completed and knew when I had started it. Afterwards I was tired out, in subspace and started feeling a little needy. I was a bit regressed and began to get worried I would start feeling worse. I texted you that I was exhausted and wanted cuddles, something I don’t think I have ever said to you before. You responded with a single word “nap” and told me to get cuddles from someone else. I understood that you didn’t grasp where I was mentally from that response so I sent you more messages asking you to please give me praise and a few brief voice messages explaining that it would help me feel closer to you if you could use the time after an intense task to connect with me, even briefly. You have done so successfully in the past and its an extremely potent way to influence my mind. You did not respond to any of those messages.

I did not go into a more severe sub drop and was able to get up and move forward with the rest of my day but was troubled by your lack of response to my requests for aftercare. I do not believe I will generally need a lot of your time or attention for aftercare but praising me for completing the Task and reinforcing your ownership would help me a lot. An hour or so later you sent me some pornographic material off Reddit and I got annoyed as I thought you had gotten all the messages and were just ignoring them. So I decided to ask to talk to you about it. I have not done that in a long time. I texted you using your real name and you immediately called me. I told you what was going on and you explained that you had been having a busy day and had not had a chance to catch up on my messages. I felt much better and you graciously apologized which was appreciated and of course, accepted. You mentioned that you have a friend who doesn’t need much in the way of aftercare and I guess there are subs who don’t, but you are not lucky enough to have found that with me, My Master. I do need aftercare and feel it is a way for you to increase your control and power over me. It was a very good conversation. You grasped the situation immediately and handled it masterfully. By the end of the conversation I was on my knees, whimpering and cumming on your command, my heart full of thankfulness and my face smiling with joy to be your Slave.

Addendum

Posted on by Avertas

“In your mouth with it”

My Master, you rightly pointed out today, after reading my update, that I neglected to include something that happened during our play on Friday night. I was honestly unconscious of omitting it, and even when you reminded me that it had happened, I still had to scroll back through our texts to be sure of what you were referencing. And then my heart sank when I realized what you wanted me to write about.

Because what you had asked me to do, and what I did is very hard for me to discuss. You had told me to unplug and scolded me for questioning you and I was crying. You reassured me I was not being punished and told me to finish my task and I sent you a picture of the njoy plug on the floor after I pulled it out of your FH3. As soon as I sent that picture I knew immediately what you were going to tell me to do next. I felt panic because I knew you were going to tell me to put it in my mouth and I just…can’t. And I was right, you told me to put it in my mouth.

I looked at the text and I looked at the plug and thought, if it’s clean I think I can do it. So I asked permission to wash it and you said yes (oh, thank you, My Master for that). So I washed it quickly with hot, soapy water in my bathroom and then I put it in my mouth. It was surprisingly heavy and hard to hold in my mouth. You told me to send you a picture and I did and you wanted to know what I was thinking. I felt angry and humiliated and excited and scared and proud and overwhelmed. I was thinking that you didn’t need to push me this hard but I knew you would. You had me face my mirror and watch myself play with your clit while I sucked on the butt plug until you commanded me to cum. Which I did, of course, writhing on the floor, still holding that fucking plug in my mouth.

Some of the things we will do are not “nice” BDSM, not aesthetic black and white, pretty lingerie and tidy shibari. I am ashamed to talk about the gross and nasty things that are part of my humiliation kink because I know people will judge and be disgusted by them. They are disgusting, that’s kind of the point. It’s very intimate and I feel so exposed talking about this here, but I have done so at your request.

The other thing, which you brought up as well, is that my husband can and does, read this blog. And this is something I would never want to share with him because I know he would never find this sexually exciting and he has made jokes etc about more extreme kinks in the past, as have I. He and I had discussed having a flag of some sort on blog posts I didn’t want him to read and I mentioned today that this might be one of them. This led to a very good discussion during which he openly acknowledged that he had been occasionally kink shaming in the past but felt that was changing as he watched and read about my journey. He also reassured me again that he loved me and that other than rejecting his love or lying to him, there was very little I could do that would change that. I guess we are going to find out if that’s true, but I feel pretty sure that it is. And there is no flag on this post because I am trying to be brave and let him see all the parts of me, even the ones I would rather hide.

Slave

You have had me repeatedly take the BSDM test over the past few months and the results have shifted a bit, although no surprise that “degradee” is always the top of the list, followed shortly by non monogamous, submissive, switch, masochist, rope bunny in close order. But its obvious from inside the dynamic of our relationship that we have moved firmly in the direction of Master and Slave, which has not been reflected, however, by the test results. When I first took the test in late Jan, 2020 I scored 53 on Slave. And after our last play, where I called you Lord, came on your command, sucked my butt plug and sent pictures to you and abased myself by lying face down on the floor because I wasn’t even worthy to kneel any more, my Slave rating went all the way up to…67.

You obviously noticed something was off and asked me about it. I knew right away what the issue was, which reflects a larger issue in my experiences with being a traditional BDSM slave. I score so low because all the questions asking about being a slave involve some variant of “would you give up everything else in your life to live out your BDSM dreams” etc. And while that is a fun fantasy for me, there is absolutely no way I would ever give up my other three major life roles as a working professional, a mother and a wife to focus solely on being a slave. When I explained that to you, you understood and agreed completely and encouraged me to take it again disregarding the other roles I play for the sake of the test, answering just based on my personal and sexual interests. I scored 98 on Slave when I took it a second time, “with the understanding that I know you are not abandoning those core roles”.

It is always going to be hard to balance all the things that I am. I am a really complicated person. I’m also a really lucky person, because I seem to draw great people towards me to help me, to mentor me, to love me, to fuck me and to forgive me for being such a weird, difficult, funny, moody, smart, slutty woman, who also is an obedient Slave to her Master.

Weekly Update 3/15/20-3/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Why is my Toy, “often angry”?

Cuz shit pisses me off, of course, My Sir

And then I get over it and move on

“Shit”

“What sort of Shit, Princess?”

Stupid men, stupid work, stupid me

“Ok”

“Which do you have control over, J–?”

I don’t really know how to organize this. I think you want a sort of detailed account of everything but there is just so much that is happening in every sphere of my life right now it all blurs together. My brain doesn’t really focus on the past. I am a creature of the present and the moment I care about is the one that comes next. This is not necessarily a strength.

This week I got mad at you. Work and my personal life have been intensely stressful as the world slowly crumbles a bit and I’m in a position to have to respond to that actively rather than run away and hide like most people. Which I like. I want to help and to be part of the rescue although I am anxious just like everyone else. You felt a bit distant and seemed busy or that was my perception anyway. Maybe I was just more needy and was projecting. Probably, since I hate to admit being needy and would much rather blame the other person for not being available. I feel vulnerable when I am needy. I much prefer to rely on myself than others.

Part of feeling neglected was that you weren’t plugging me very much. One day it seemed like all you were talking to me about was finding you other chicks to fuck with. I am bisexual and I am very open to fucking other women, both on my own or with men. The problem I have had, and it’s been in almost every single relationship other than the one with my husband, is that the man gets so damn focused on the excitement of me being willing to do a threesome that they start to ignore me and my feelings about it. I don’t take well to being ignored. I yelled at you on text and you handled it well. But I still feel my emotions on this topic are valid. I just didn’t want to keep arguing with you about it. Once I make a judgement based on my own experience, it is hard to convince me I am wrong. But I get bored with arguments that seem like a waste of time and will simply bow to another in order to move on. I was texting with a friend who I deeply trust about our fight and he helped me a lot, just validating and reassuring me that you had not lost interest in me.

Later that night you told me that you had left me unplugged on purpose, presumable to force me to feel that lack of connection to you and how much I missed it. And, of course, I did and that trick worked. I had considered that it was intentional already. I don’t actually know if I believe that it was but maybe. It feels manipulative, honestly, particularly as this is a really difficult time for me. I know that is part of my training as your submissive. I don’t know how supportive to expect you to be. How interested you are in my day to day life and problems and how I am handling them. It fluctuates. This is a strange, new relationship for me. You’re not my boyfriend or really even my lover. You’re my Dom. I don’t know how you define that relationship. You knew I was having a challenging week and yet you decided to add stress by reducing our connection to make a point to me about my dependency on you. The point was made successfully, but the timing wasn’t ideal. But then again, perhaps doing this during a time of stress (and really there is no end in sight for that) just amplified my reaction and in the long run deepened my submission to you.

Another thing that happened this week is that I continued my conversation with my husband about you, his limits and my being plugged. All of which was good and confirms that we have a strong relationship and he is an amazing person who is so radical in loving me enough to give me freedom to explore this relationship with you. I feel very thankful for him and his acceptance and understanding, which always feels like a gift. I find it hard to talk to him about this part of me but it is getting easier as I keep doing it and he doesn’t reject me.

We fucked me with your plug in my ass for the first time. He knew it was there, since he felt it when he pushed up against my ass in bed in the morning. You had asked me to remain plugged all night after our disagreement and I was happy to do so. Its odd, texting you with your plug heavy in my ass and feeling him reach over to snuggle me in the morning. Feeling pulled in different directions and like I’m doing something wrong sometimes. The sex was good and I came twice, enjoying the feeling of him in my pussy and your plug in my ass. I didn’t know if I should bring it up with him before we started but I didn’t want to ruin the moment and I figured, he knew it was there and was initiating it so… Afterwards, I was still sitting on his cock and I took his hand and pulled it around my ass, making him physically feel the steel handle of the plug. “How do you feel about this?” And he told me it wasn’t that big of a deal, either physically during sex or psychologically for him. I really hope that is true. I will keep asking him and be open to his feedback and comfort with this. He is not that interested in using my ass, so maybe that helps.

Yesterday the phone sex was wonderful. Hearing your voice made me so happy. I know you want my “inner thoughts” but I have a hard time remembering when I go into subspace. Really I am not thinking anymore in that place. I get to stop. That is such a joy. You told me that the plug is grounding me to you and that every time I feel it I will feel grounded to you. And I do feel it. I heard your voice in my mind later in the day repeating those words and it was strange and frightening and wonderful. I could hear my own voice change yesterday when you put me into that dark, dreamy space, begging you without even a scrap of shame left, nothing holding me back, reveling in calling you My Master. Sex is the doorway to submission for me.

At the end of the call, I said goodbye and I used your real name. It just fell out of my mouth. The interesting thing is I had an immediate stabbing fear that you heard me. I almost clapped my hand over my mouth, like a little girl who swears in front of her parents. You ended the call without giving me a punishment or reacting and I didn’t know if you had chosen to ignore it or didn’t hear me. I kept thinking about that fear. How obedient I have become, pathetic as we say. Because you are not even here to beat me! I would have to beat myself, as you have made me do and I would completely accept that punishment and inflict it without hesitation. Hence my fear is a manifestation of my level of submission. That just makes me feel like a crazy person and worried that I have given you so much power. Writing about it now though, I recognize that the power is GIVEN. I would accept the punishment because it is fair and I agreed to this relationship and your rules.

I brought this whole event to your attention and you considered it and offered that I told you because I am becoming your slave and I know that you want my honesty. You asked me to consider why it happened before you would forgive me. I think it happened because we ended the call quickly and I was still coming up from subspace and just starting to feel normal again. My brain scrambling for a foothold and using your real name rather than My Master was just a quick way to reassure myself, “We’re equals, this is just a game I am choosing to play”. An unconscious defense, rebuilding the walls. It was a surprise then, but it makes total sense to me now. It was not intentional insolence or disrespect and I do hope you accept that and forgive me.