Tag: love

Weekly Update 9/6/20-9/13/20

Posted on by Avertas

I think it is becoming too strong, My Master

You need space and freedom

“No such thing, My Pet.”

I need to not make myself vulnerable to too much emotional suffering in response to your normal and healthy needs

I am being unrealistic, which is unlike me, My Master

And I apologize for that

“I have too much space…..Freedom is also not a reality for the next few months”

I am not asking to leave your service, My Master

It is not time for that

Your happiness is my goal, My Master

***Master attempts to call***

I can’t talk to you right now, My Master

Please just consider it, My Lord

…..

Do you feel that you understand why I am asking for this, My Master?

“Yes.

Personal and emotional self-protetion.

As I have become something that you never intended but hoped for”

Yes, My Master

“What are you”

I am your Property, My Master

“Good girl

And…

….”

I don’t know what you want me to say, My Master

I am just stuck and I see no way out

Hard Truths

This has been a difficult week for your Slave, My Master. I have been supporting various friends emotionally through crisis, working my busy, full time job, followed up with my surgeon who cleared me for more intense exercise, which I have begun and of course, my responsibilities for my household and my family. These are the normal responsibilities I carry along with my service to you. I am an energetic and strong person and can usually meet the needs of everyone consistently if not gracefully, but this week there were added emotional struggles that overwhelmed me at times. At least two days this week I struggled with significant depressed mood, frequent tearfulness, irritability, and urges to flee from and avoid you, my Tasks and my other duties to work, husband and family. I fantasized about living alone, doing as I pleased, having a freedom I will never have in this life to seek amusement, pleasure, connection, knowledge in my own way and with whomever I chose. Of course, I would never act on such dreams. I am so loved and needed by everyone. I have made myself such beautiful golden chains, My Master.

In response to my mood, I reached out to my friend/former lover, who has been chatting with me quite a bit recently, asking to meet me again, which you did give permission for us to see each other platonically. He agreed to that, however did text me yesterday morning that he was horny and thinking of me drinking his cum, so I’m less confident that he will adhere to the “platonic” aspect of resuming contact. In any case, I told I was feeling depressed and he launched into a long and supportive text conversation reminding me that I have the perfect life. That I’m well off and beautiful with a loving family and a rewarding job. That he has met very few people like me etc etc, blah blah blah. Of course you know that this did absolutely nothing other than add feeling guilty to being depressed, My Master. Guilty that I dare to be less than content and fulfilled with such an abundance around me. But even it is greedy and selfish of me, the truth is that I am not fulfilled. I often do not feel cherished and loved. I am suspicious that others use me for their own purposes. I don’t think that anyone really understands me or cares about me. I don’t trust others and don’t want to share with them my emotional suffering.

Some of what has made me more insecure this week is that you began discussing taking on a 24/7 submissive upon return to home. Intellectually and rationally I am fully in support of you having a girl friend and primary sub. You are single and it is natural and normal for you to want to have a companion and lover to be with every day. It cannot be me because I have other roles to play at this time in my life. So I am left in limbo, knowing that I long to serve you, to explore with you, to deepen our connection even further, but also knowing that I am unlikely to have that opportunity as obviously, anyone who is lucky enough to be in that role will demand the position of first for your attention, affection, time and connection, as they should. And that is said without a hint of anger or resentment, My Master. I truly want you to be happy. You are an amazing Dom and man and should have a primary submissive who can be what you need and deserve. You should be free to explore that dynamic and grow without me in the way complicating things for you.

My feelings are intense and conflicted at this point, My Master. I don’t want to leave you, I want every second I can have at your feet. But I am not a robot or made of stone. Quite the contrary, I am an emotional person, empathic and responsive. I have thought of perhaps taking another play partner as a way to distract myself and perhaps lessen my dependence on you. I thought of pulling back in my frequency of communication to you, sort of cooling off and giving you more space, but I doubt I could follow through with it. The second you asked for me, I will be at your command. The second you say, kneel, I drop to my knees. The second you say, cum, I feel waves of pleasure spreading from your clit. I am your Property, My Master.

I am troubled and anxious and uncertain of the future. I do not like feeling like this and these are not emotions I have much experience with. My natural instinct is always toward action, but there is no action for me here other than to wait and see and hope and try to believe you when you say that you have chosen me and we will find a way. You know I am preparing myself to lose you. I have been preparing myself for that from the beginning, I suppose. The more I care for you, the more I let you in, the more I submit to you and rest under your authority and control, the greater the pain that awaits me. I am chiseling away at the boulder that will crush me someday. It doesn’t matter though, My Master. Probably in the long run it will be good for me to be crushed and hardened. I am such a stupid Mutt to ruin things with useless feelings, My Wolf. I will strive to get myself under control, stay in the moment, learn from you and enjoy the time you are able to give me, My Master. That is one of the hard lessons I need to learn. I am not going to be able to have everything I want and that is okay. It is also okay for me to privately mourn for that which is not possible but for which I will always long.

Weekly Update 8/31/20-9/6/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good Morning, Slave,

How is my property feeling this morning?”

Much better after actually sleeping eight hours, My Master

Thank you for sending me to bed 🙂

“Was she obedient last night and went bed as instructed?”

Yes My Master and I slept really well, thank you

“Of course

How did that make you feel?”

A little silly bc obviously I knew I needed to go to bed early, My Master

But at the same time…

“Knowing and Doing are drastically different things”

It did force me to actually do it and not just goof around and get distracted, My Master

Bc I probably would have gone to bed around 1130 on my own, My Master

And I felt cared about

By you

Bc you were paying attention to me and helping me take better care of your Property, My Master

“Cum, My Pathetic Property”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“My Property to Use”

Yes, My Master, use, abuse, shape, punish, reward

As you have already begun, My Master

I wonder if it will be even better in person

It’s going to be intense, My Master

I can’t wait

“You will be much better at begging in person, my fuck toy”

I have no doubt that I will be motivated to beg as I have never been before, My Master

Bc no one has ever treated me the way that you do

And no one else is allowed to, My Wolf

But you may push me to the limit

I am yours, My Lord

Influence, Dominance, Control

So insidious are your ways, My Master. Even your tenderness has an edge hiding in it somewhere…this week you ever so subtly expanded your control over me. I’m such a visual person; in my mind when I give over something to your control it’s like a soft grey blanket that creeps over the landscape of my life, slowly covering more and more under your influence. Warm and quiet and soft in those areas of my life under that blanket, because I no longer have to try so hard there. In those parts of my life I can rest now. You will decide and tell me what to do. All I have to do is listen and obey. It feels so good and yet, it frightens me at times, how I keep falling deeper into submission to you, how I keep welcoming it.

First you told me that you wanted me to pick up some quarter cup bras to wear when I am with you. Bras that would leave the breasts pushed up but with nipples uncovered and visible beneath my clothing. Of course, I agreed, but told you I had to wait until my bra size stabilized after my recent surgical upgrades. Then you began sending me images of women in specific outfits. Dresses that unzipped down their entire length, either in the front or the back, wrap dresses held together with a single tie, backless body suites that would have to be worn braless, low cut, surplice tops that open easily to the waist, blouses made of sheer materials, crop tops tied on by only thin straps, skin tight leather pants. Of course, I quickly realized the goals of this project and, like a good Slave, I happily found dresses and blouses online and sent them to you for your approval before purchasing them.

I am sure you know that I love this new element of being dressed like your doll. I love clothing and fashion and looking beautiful. I love feeling like an object, a treasured, decorated, OWNED object. The clothing you have picked is so provocative. I love the thought of the jealous, hateful glares of the women, who will be thinking “That Slut, she’s too old to be dressed like that; she just wants attention”. I love the thought of the men who will watch my every move with hunger in their eyes, turning their heads to watch me pass, trying to hide it from their wives and girlfriends, shifting in their seats as they notice my hard nipples pushing against the thin, light fabric of the blouse you have chosen. But most of all I love the thought of your hand on the small of my back guiding me, your amused smirk at the reaction I create, the firm grip of your hand on my wrist as you lead me, your dark eyes leaving me with only confidence that if this is how you wish me to look, then that is the right and best way, of course. That whatever beauty I have to offer is yours to claim and to display at your pleasure.

And the excitement of not knowing how you will use your Property, made so enticing and so easily exposed at your command. You might have me pinch and twist my nipples before we leave the car, to make sure they are hard and noticeable. How easily it will be to have me open my blouse and expose my breasts for you at a book store or park. You could slide one hand inside my wrap dress and stroke your FC2 while we wait in a quiet booth for a late lunch. You could unzip my dress and leave me in just heels and thigh highs in the back row of a movie theatre and force me to stay like that, open, exposed. Or force me to get on my hands and knees on the dirty floor with my dress opened so you could rest your legs for a bit. You could plug your FC3 with a hook tied to my waist and bring me to a gas station in the late hours of the night, leaving enough exposed above the waist band of my skirt that those who know about such things would understand what had been done to me and what I am. I am your Property, My Master, your three hole, fuck cunt playground. I am your Slave.

You have also discussed more permanent decoration and marking of your Slave, including a small tattoo or a piercing with tags indicating my status. I am not particularly interested in tattoos but find the idea of a piercing more intriguing. You have asked me to look up and consider a piercing of FC2 at some point in the future. Personally, I would prefer a piercing of the inner labia, which looks attractive and would not interfere with or exaggerate my sexual sensations. It would be intensely erotic for me to be tagged in such a way with your initials, the word “Slave” or “Owned” or similar. Of course, my body is not just used by you, My Master and as such, there would have to be a discussion with my husband about his thoughts and feelings about such a change. It is delicate work being so strongly connected to two such different men.

You have also begun to gently explore controlling other aspects of my life. In the past you have tried to limit how much time I spend at work, which is interesting but difficult as I don’t have a lot of control over problems which can arise at work and have to be dealt with regardless of the time. This week you gave me a firm time I needed to be off of the internet and a bedtime after a rough week of little sleep due to illness, work duties and insomnia. It did help me to have that external requirement to guide me as I am obedient to you in all things. I appreciated you checking in on how I felt about it the next morning. I felt a little demeaned and childish, a little cared for and a lot grateful for your help. As usual, your response was to claim the whole thing and tell me that henceforth, you would be giving me bedtimes on “schoolnights” to help make sure your Property wasn’t staying up too late, a habit that has given you some concern in the past. This pattern is so typical to you, My Master that I wasn’t even surprised. You often take a little bite of something, see if we like it and then, if I do, you grab the whole cake without a seconds hesitation. I love that boldness about you, My Master; I find that confidence very appealing.

A Test

I have a former lover, now friend, who I dated last fall, prior to ever meeting you, My Master. You are aware of him and knew that we continued to communicate through text. This relationship was one of my first outside of my marriage and this man became very attached to me. So much so that he admitted he had come to both “love and hate me” because he had to accept that he would never be able to fully have me as his primary partner. He is an intense and emotional person, a romantic and going through a difficult time in his personal life. He pulled back on the sexual and romantic aspects of our relationship, which I understood and accepted and we remained friends. Despite the end of quarentine, we have not met again in real life, although continue to update each other on our life events, chatting about our children, our work and our various relationships. He finds my lifestyle fascinating and struggles to understand how my husband can allow me the freedom he does. This man is aware of our relationship and that I would need approval from you to see him again, which he finds bizarre. He is vanilla, although has a dominant personality and is sexually dominant. He is one of the reasons I realized I enjoy being dominated, actually.

Over the past few months he has intermittently dropped hints about wanting to take me out again, both to see me and to have sex. He has admitted that I surprised him with my sexual energy and drive and he misses my attention, humor and affection. I have never approached you about seeing him again because I did not want to upset you or cause distress and drama in our relationship. It was not worth it to me and I have focused all my energy on proving to you my dedication and rebuilding your trust in me, My Master. I continually put him off despite him asking if I had talked to you about it and “gotten a permission slip” as he puts it. The other night he texted me late. I knew he had been drinking and was lonely and probably depressed. He was very open about my being one of the most important people in his life right now, someone he feels he can trust. He misses me and doesn’t understand why we can’t meet. I reminded him of what had happened in my relationship with you when I had taken another play partner and that I was being very careful. He offered to just meet as friends, reassuring me that he could control himself. And that is true, My Master, he has excellent self control when he wants to.

So I have finally approached you about it and you were surprised that I had delayed it for so long. I explained that I had done so because at times I find your reactions to my outside relationships unpredictable. It’s very important to me that I not do anything, even accidentally, that upsets you or takes us backwards in terms of the trust and repair we have made in the past several months. Especially as we both begin getting ready to finally meet in person. You were surprised by the term “unpredictable” but that is how I feel. I have mixed messages from you about other men. You want them to look at me and desire me but at the same time you call me an attention whore and a flirt. You want me to make friends in the lifestyle but you become anxious that I might seduce them or disobey you. You remind me “FBNF”, “Forgiven but not Forgotten”, in reference to my past failings. Of course, I am going to be reluctant to bring you my struggles and worries about the desires and demands of other men, My Master. I don’t want to do anything that might make you uncertain or anxious about my dedication to you as your Slave.

All this has been on my mind at the same time, I felt like I was being cruel and rude to my friend. So I finally felt forced into the position of asking you for guidance about what I should do next or risk really losing this friendship. You have graciously given me permission to see him again, strictly platonically, which is fine with me. I know that you will be watching me like a hawk to ensure that I don’t slip into any inappropriate behaviors with this man and I understand and accept why. I know he won’t understand the difficulties he is putting me through, and I am sure much of our conversation when we meet again will be trying to explain to him why I kneel to you and allow these restrictions. Of course I don’t need to explain those things to myself or to you. I know to my core how much you bring to my life. The pleasure, peace, excitement, challenge and understanding that I cannot get from anyone else. You are a rare and unique man and I am so happy being your Pet, your P.S.S. I promise that I will not be tempted away from my happy place, My Master. I would rather be here at your feet than anyplace else in the world.

Weekly Update 8/16/20-8/23/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Whattttttttt are you?”

Your Property, My Master

“Check your email”

(New Mantras for Identify, Loyalty and Grounding from My Master)

Thank you, My Master

I just read them all out loud to myself in the car

“And….”

I loved Grounding and Loyalty, My Master

I will need to get used to the changes you made in the Identify Mantras, My Master

They surprised me

“O”

I assure you My Master that I am not lying to you or seeking outside relationships

Other than being on the lookout for potential women for us to play with or a potential gf for you, as instructed, My Wolf

I understand from your words that is clearly a concern and I will accept these Mantras, My Master

I am on my knees for YOU

I seek attention from YOU

Yes, I tease and attract but that is just a game, My Master

It is not serious and I follow your restrictions happily

You have my heart and mind, My Master

My body is your Property

“Pet,

You are an attention slut.

And, by your own disclosure, when people flirt….

You could easily drift.”

“Yes.

It is”

“I am an Open minded Owner.

I don’t mind if my Mutt holds her own leash at times.

Review and send me SUGGESTED Modification to the mantras”

No, My Master

I will take these Mantras as they stand, My Lord

Until YOU are ready to soften them

Bc YOU believe that I am true to you

I already know it

But it will not hurt me to be reminded of the potential for weakness, My Master

“Master doesn’t want to HARM his property.

Use and abuse, sure…”

Your doubt does not harm me, My Wolf

It saddens me

It frustrates me

But I will earn your trust, My Lord

Deepening

It has been a busy week. I have struggled to start this blog entry, not sure how to tie together the many things we have been discussing and planning together, My Wolf. On a broader level, I guess that reflects how well and frequently we are communicating now. We have made great progress over the past few weeks and I feel strongly connected, more confident in my submission and even more excited about the future as I become less anxious that you will abandon me upon returning home. You have been open about your thoughts for organizing your relationships with me and others and I appreciate that transparency. You have continued to connect me with others in your life and the Lifestyle in general, having me chat on line with previous and current playmates/subs this week. I do find it challenging to understand what tone to take with these women as I don’t want to look like a fool because I don’t know the backstory of your relationship with them, nor do I want to overstep accidentally as I don’t know what your thoughts are on what their role might be in your life.

In response to some of these concerns, we spoke over the phone this week for the first time in a long time. I have recently purchased a beautiful new car and you have been helping me celebrate with various fun and kinky tasks. We talked in the car in a secluded parking lot of a local park, ironically the same one where we talked after I broke your trust with my Play Partner. That time it was raining and I wept through the entire conversation. This time it was a beautiful, hot summer night and there were no tears, but instead attention, connection, humor, trust, release, honesty and pleasure. You had me bring a wand, of course and led your Property through orgasm after orgasm, as you know so well how to do. Again and again you asked me what I am, who I am. Again and again I answered, I am your Property, I am your Slave as the pressure built, as the climax ripped through me, I yelled it, “I am YOUR SLAVE”. I am blushing and smiling now, to think of it.

Beyond the play, however, My Master, which is always excellent with you, was the sense of ease we have arrived at. I hope you felt it too. Not disrespectful, not dismissive of the dynamic between us, but I think reflecting that both of us are letting our walls down slowly and also understanding each other. The fact that we can enjoy just talking together, laughing and comfortable, that gives me great hope for the future too. We work well together outside of the purely sexual/BDSM realm and that will make some of our plans for traveling together and other adventures more pleasant for both of us. You are an intelligent, open minded and articulate man and I enjoy your company when I am seated by your side as much as when I am on my knees.

I also returned to work this week, which was surprisingly physically challenging for me after the surgery. My work is not physically difficult but mentally requires attention to detail, careful decision making, strong emotional control and leadership. While I have been up and about for some time now, I had been taking a rest in the afternoon, obviously not possible at work. I am impatient with weakness in myself and frustrated by being slower and more easily fatigued than usual. You are well aware of this tendency in myself and have been keeping a close eye on my activity level, encouraging me to rest, adapting Tasks to reduce the stress on me and chiding me gently for not getting enough sleep. You charge me with taking good care of your Property, which motivates me more than my own discomfort. Many experiences in my life have reinforced my fatigue or discomfort as being of little consequence and to be ignored in favor of getting work done and meeting the needs of others. This training, both implicit and explicitly reinforced by my profession and motherhood, has helped me be successful in life, but at the cost of not always being in tune with my own needs. And in a fucked up way, I take pride in that as well. Being such a work horse and martyr that never breaks, that cannot break without harming those that I carry, that I am responsible for.

With you I feel things are more equal. I care for you, think about you and your needs, take actions to show you my devotion and offer you my attention and thoughts when you want them. I do protect you, My Master, in my own way. In return you lift some responsibility from my shoulders by controlling my sexuality and more and more my relationships outside my marriage. The other night you told me that you are responsible for me, which made me laugh a bit to myself. That will take a long time for me to believe, My Master and require so much trust, for me to truly rest in your Ownership. Ever since I was a young girl, I have felt that there is no protection for me but the protection I provide myself. There is no God watching over me. My parents loved me but, of course, could not stop the world and its terrible and arbitrary cruelty. So I learned young that life is hard and there is no limit on how hard it can become. I am alone in it, and although others may help me, I must be strong enough to persevere and not fall apart no matter what happens next. In subspace, in the throes of overwhelming sensation and sexual oblivion, I am able to let this go and I just exist, floating and open, vulnerable and raw. You will see me then, My Master, my soul shining out of my eyes as you abuse and pleasure the flesh of your Property, more completely than most people in this world will ever know me.

Attention Whore

My new Identify Mantras emphasize your Ownership and my position as worthless, weak willed Property, as is to be expected. However, they also introduced the concept of my being an “attention seeking little girl”, a theme which has become increasingly prominent this week. I am not sure what exactly triggered this change but I have suspicions that it may be related to multiple things. I have been enjoying making playful, cute videos online which have drawn some compliments from others. I was also recently unexpectedly approached by an attractive couple I know online to participate in virtual sex play with them, sexting and watching videos of them performing sex acts for my viewing. Lastly, the dominatrix you are familiar with, whom I had introduced myself to and who indicated an interest in me, came forward with a more solid request for me to join her in a submissive role to dom several young men together.

All of this attention and pursuit has occurred under your watchful eye, My Master, and nothing has been hidden. I have followed all your instructions and restrictions and told you everything communicated between myself and others. I hope that you are able to see the attention and compliments your Property receives as tribute to you as my Owner. I am naturally an extroverted, playful, sexual person, My Master. I enjoy flirting and talking to people. I do enjoy attention and I don’t see that as some terrible or shameful flaw. I think this is one of the traits that actually draws you to me, my curiosity, energy and whole hearted engagement with the world and the people in it. Especially when I am happy and feeling good, I am quite silly and you make me feel that way everyday, My Wolf! I explained to you that you are the target audience for such content and you were surprised which made me sigh and laugh…how do you not understand this, My Master?

I decided to accept the Mantras as they are for several reasons. One, it is extremely important to me that the Mantras come as much from you as possible. I do NOT want to write my own Mantras. They are an important way for you to shape and influence my mind and it would be too easy for both of us to slip into allowing me to write them which undermines our roles. I care less that they are “perfect” and much more that they are from the mind of My Lord. As such, even when they don’t sit well with me, they are useful in that they remind me of what your concerns are, where you see my failings, what you wish me to be attentive to, even if I am less concerned. Perhaps I am over confident, My Master, and certainly, your Pathetic Slut Slave always needs humbling. It is also good for me to practice accepting what I am given by my Lord without criticism or worry about my own desires. Hence why it does me good to be put on my knees as often as you do, so I can bow my head, kiss your feet and remember my place here is not to control but to let go, follow your lead and be grateful you have chosen to put your hand upon me.