Tag: M/S

Weekly Update 7/5/20-7/12/20

Posted on by Avertas

Mmmmmmm I need a hook in meeeeee

“And, a cock

Perhaps….

I will bind your arms and secure the hook together

And then tape your wand to the hook as I let you lick my feet

If you get distracted I will crop you

And if you beg nicely

I might Allow you to hump my foot until you Scream for Permission to cum

Then…”

Yes, My Master

“Cum! You pathetic weak-minded cunt

Coat my foot

Just to lick it clean”

Oh, I would cum all over your foot, My Lord

And suck my juices off your toes

“O, I know you will”

Happiness

I just read through our texts and photos from the week and it struck me what a good week this has been. I thought about just writing “I’M HAPPY” as my blog entry and signing off this week but I’m not that lazy and why should I be able to write novels when I have criticism and only a few words to describe my joy. You deserve to know all the details of contentment and satisfaction as much as when I am struggling.

When I say things are going well, I don’t mean there have been no conflicts or issues all week but we handled them well and my feelings about them are less intense. We are communicating better and I am feeling more securely attached to you than ever, My Lord. The beginning of this week was so relaxing and fun as I was off of work and you encouraged me to enjoy the time off, giving me yet another Public task, which I even advanced in by continuing to fuck FC2 even with others present (although they could not see me). I felt playful and sexy this week, naughtily plugging myself in my car in a parking lot and sending you a little video of it. Then flouncing into the restaurant in my short skirt and thong with your plug tight in FC3, smiling at the men there who were drooling over your cute slut.

Unfortunately, of course I did eventually have to return to work and it was a rough re-entry. But you kept me happy with edging tasks and allowed extra orgasms which you know always soothes and pleases your greedy Slave. That first day back from vacation, I was stressed and happy to be leaving work. I did the Grounding ritual, which I had not done for a while as I had been plugged throughout my time off. Doing the ritual was so soothing, it felt like walking into a pool of cool water. Sinking to my knees, taking your plug in FC1 and truly sucking it, in regressive bliss. Letting my mind go calm and flat as I stared in the mirror at my true reflection. Saying the words that you put in my mouth and in my mind. And finally the stretch and weight of the plug, my “new normal” as you like to remind me, grounding me to you as I gently stroked your clit.

Something you have brought up a few times this week, which I find interesting, is the idea of me “always” having been a Slave. I would like to talk to you more about that and understand your meaning. From what you have said so far, I feel like you identify the desire to be a Slave with having low self esteem and lack of confidence. While I certainly have insecurities and moments of uncertainty I don’t self identify as having major issues with either of those problems. I was raised by my parents in a conventional way and do believe on some level that I must “earn” the love and attention of others. I was never abused or neglected though, and although I do love to be degraded and humiliated, I don’t suffer from timidity or feelings of incompetence. In fact, generally I have a robust ego (some might say too much so!) and at least in situations where I feel I have mastery over something, I will advocate strongly to be the leader. Although I believe that love and attention must be “earned”, I also believe that I am good at earning them. I have always worked hard to achieve success in multiple areas of my life and I am confident that I can continue to do so, although the areas where I direct my formidable energy change and shift over time.

I believe my Slavery and service to you come from desire to let go. To not be the leader but rather to be led. To be responsible for clearly defined tasks but not to have to make the decisions. To submit, to be claimed, to feel strengthened by the limits and restrictions placed on me by another. You take me to deeper and darker recesses than I knew I even had and I can trust you to watch over me there and lead me back. You know my weaknesses and my failings. You know to keep your hand heavy on me and the collar tight and I will repay you with all my self, now your Property. To be used is my pleasure and you will use me directly and as a tool to enjoy others through my actions both at your command and that of my own filthy mind.

Weekly Update 6/29/20-7/5/20

Posted on by Avertas

Master, could I please cum

“Why, Pet?”

Your FC2 is so close, My Master

“Why?

Doesn’t she have any self control?”

You let me play with your cunt

“Of course”

Not it’s wet and aching

“I enjoy my slave on the edge”

Please let me cum, My Master

“This is where a Slave should live

Always ready to please”

Precious

It was raining and I had been walking the dog with the Lush vibrating in FC2 for 30 minutes after you had given me permission to turn it on. It was getting dark. I was desperate to cum. You ordered me to kneel in the grass and I did so in a neighbors yard where the lights were out in the house and I hoped they wouldn’t notice. When you told me to send you a picture I tried but the light was too low. I was in the process of moving to a spot under a street light when you grew impatient and called me. I didn’t have my headphones so I had to put you on speaker. I was alone and yet exposed. Kneeling in the wet grass, rain falling, mosquitos biting my flesh, My Masters loud voice degrading me where anyone who walked by could hear me being called a Slut and a Slave. A car parked about fifty feet away, casting bright light over me from their headlights and a squabbling couple got out and looked at me. But none of that mattered because you had taken over.

You just grabbed me, My Master. You snatched my mind up like a coin you wanted to flip. I can barely remember the words you said bc I fell so fast and deep into subspace. I remember your dark eyes and being told that I could not look away. I was made to cum there on my knees in public on my nice suburban street where my neighbors could see me. I remember you telling me that they would know what I was and that I was laid bare before you. The energy in your voice when you are in that space is ferocious, the force of it is irresistible. You kept me there, wet, humiliated, exposed, cumming in my panties until you were satisfied. And then you said something very special to me; you told me that I was precious to you, even though you may not always show it. I dropped my head and looked away as I thanked you. I felt like a 14 year old girl. I got off the call and slowly got up from the grass, looking around to see if anyone was watching me, reassuring my poor dog who had given up on her crazy owner at that point. I walked the rest of the way home slowly coming out of subspace, practically vibrating with happiness, a sly, satisfied smile flickering across my face as I thought of you. I composed myself before I went in the house, greeting my husband with a light tone and hiding the intensity of my feelings as I can do. But I felt so good, so safe, so connected, so proud. So happy.

This whole week you have been exploring using your Slave in the public space. Again and again you chose the Task “Public” which requires me to bring a suction cup dildo to a public bathroom and fuck one of your holes (of your choosing, of course) for a minimum of 60 seconds. Typically you allow an orgasm with this Task and photographs are required. This is a daring task and one that makes me nervous and excited. To my surprise I have no problem cumming and your FC2 is dripping wet by the time I am done. It is so naughty and fun, playful as you like to call me, to look like such a proper middle aged woman, dressed for her work in heels and hose and then secretly do something so obscene and unexpected. After I fucked FC3 in the bathroom of the pharmacy I had to do a little shopping and I could not stop the occasional giggle from escaping as I demurely wandered the aisles clenching your plug in carefully as it tried to slide out of your opened and lubed hole.

You also played with me in public in my car for the first time. I had called you after my therapy appointment and I mentioned that she was curious how you would react to the previous blog post. You began reading it while I was on the phone outloud and I cringed as you read my critical comments. Suddenly you stopped reading and told me to take off my bra and ordered me to start edging. I was in a very exposed situation, parked where people could not help but see me directly and you allowed me to move to a more discreet location. I teasingly chose the local church parking lot where you verbally degraded me while describing ways that you would like to use your Property and another Toy at the same time. The ways you would make us play with each other and service you. You had me shove more and more fingers in FC2 and pinch and rub your clit until I was begging to cum, which I did publicly and loudly at your command.

You have been amazing this week. Attentive, responsive, creative, fun and my Slave heart is enthralled by you, My Master. I feel so connected to you that I actually had a spontaneous orgasm while driving home after edging all day without an orgasm. I had been daydreaming, thinking about how you called me precious to you and how wonderful it felt to be used by you with such intensity and relish. I was scared when it happened because it was a no orgasm day and I did not have permission, but you were understanding when I explained what had happened and thought perhaps it was a sign of how highly I value your thoughts about me, which subconsciously triggered a command orgasm. I think that is likely true, My Master. Your opinion and feelings about me are extremely important to me. And, to be honest, they are quite opaque to me. I don’t know how you feel about me and that’s why it was very moving to learn that you do see me as something special in your life. Thank you for telling me that, My Wolf. I know you do see me laid bare, both physically and mentally. You know my weaknesses and try to help me correct them. You hold me to a high standard because you believe I can reach it. I am so honored by your attention, time and energy. I am honored to be your Slave, My Lord and it means the world to me that you are happy to be My Master.

Happy Birthday!

It has also been a celebratory week with your birthday and the holiday. I was so pleased that your present got to you on time and you seem to like it. I look forward to doing some naughty shopping with you at the sex store so you can chose some kinky toys to use on your Property. It was fun spending a few hours one night taking sexy pictures of your plugged Property in fishnets, heels, pigtails, tutus, thongs, cuffs, body suits, garter belts and a wide variety of sexy poses, then sending them to you throughout the day on your birthday. I hope they pleased and amused you, My Master. This is a special birthday and I know you are going to go through big changes this year. I am hopeful that my service is helpful to you and that you come through this challenging year stronger, wiser and excited about your future. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad you came into my life. Happy Birthday, My Lord and Master!

Weekly Update 5/25/20-5/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

So I have my second date with *Real Name*

This Tues evening My Master

“Nothing more than a BJ and him finger banging you”

My Master

We need to talk about this

“You and *Real Name*?”

Me and *Real Name* or me and whomever, My Master

I don’t agree to you directing my every move

….

I will try it your way, My Master

And if I fail, you will punish me as I deserve

“Smart choice

I have faith you cherish me more than the dildo”

You know that is true, My Master

You are my Lord

I kneel down to you and wear your harness and your plug and soon your collar

I feel you with me in my mind and on my body, My Master

You give me something no one has every done before

“Cum, My property”

——————————————————————-

Hello, My Master

“Hello, My Treasure”

We fucked, My Master

I’m sorry

And I know I will be punished and I should be, My Master

Disaster

How lucky I am to be sitting here. Sucking a lolly in FC1, the weight of your birthday gift pressing down into your FC2, your plug snug in FC3, still flushed from the orgasms you allowed me earlier tonight. Still allowed to call your holes yours. Still able to call you My Master despite my failure to adhere to the limits I agreed to when you allowed me to meet with my first play partner since we began our relationship months ago.

The week had started off so beautifully between the two of us. You obviously had read my previous blog post and immediately shifted to a warmer tone, using pet names more often and giving me compliments. This had the effect of pouring kerosene on a smoldering fire. Whatever tincture of praise and degradation my brain needs was perfectly matched by you and I catapulted into blissful submission. Words, words, words are so powerful to me. I remember you texted me after work and I was in the parking lot of the drug store and I was describing myself using all manner of demeaning phrases in my relationship to you; Your cumdump, Your slut etc and you replied “My Lamb”. I pressed the phone against my chest and swooned. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You played with me on text with several extreme humiliation scenarios and I allowed myself to imagine submitting to such treatment and enjoying it. I contemplated and agreed to all kinds of vile acts for you, My Master, including crawl through the mud, through piss to kneel at your feet.

We felt so close that I was worried about how we would do with my second date with my play partner. I had met him on Fet and I had discussed with him that I had a Dom and a husband and was just looking for a casual and friendly, safe, sexual partner. We got along well and had good chemistry on our first meeting. I was looking forward to seeing him, yet anxious too, as so many of my attempts to date recently have been unsuccessful for one reason or another. And with quarantine it had been about four months since I had a fun sexual romp with anyone outside my marriage, when typically I have 1-2 side lovers since my husband and I opened our relationship. When I told you about the date, you immediately ordered that I could only participate in oral sex. I was unhappy as I felt this was sending mixed messages to my play partner and as I also wanted to be free to act in whatever way felt comfortable in the moment. I didn’t see any reason to wait until a later date as we had already essentially agreed to have sex, that is the main purpose of our relationship. But in that conversation you argued that I had already given you control over my sex life outside my marriage, that I was being a rebellious brat by disagreeing and that those were your orders to obey or not. When I asked what would happen if I did not obey, you told me I would of course be punished. Reluctantly I agreed to try, warning you I might fail and would then accept punishment.

I went over to his house after work, stopping to get some takeout for dinner. He had clarified earlier in the day by text if we were hanging out or if there was an option for sex. I had told him there was an opportunity for “playing around”. I did not specifically tell him beforehand that I was not allowed to have sex. Per your instructions I had taken my harness off but left your plug in FC3. We had dinner and chatted about our lives. It was an easy conversation, he was deferential and polite and I felt relaxed and confident. We were watching some Netflix when he finally leaned over and kissed me deeply. Things escalated from there and we ended up in his bedroom, where he discovered I was plugged. We were playing when he rolled over, slipped a condom on and said, “I think we should have sex”. I remember laughing nervously and saying “we’re not really supposed to do that” and then we were doing that. I didn’t stop it and I know I could have, My Master.

Once we finished, after a few quick cuddles and a little more conversation, I got dressed and left. I immediately drove to the first parking lot I could find and texted you that I had fucked him and apologized. I expected you to be disappointed in me, but also I though a part of you might have anticipated that I would have a hard time with this and be somewhat prepared for my failure. You texted back but quickly called me and that is when things got horrible. Your voice was so angry and hurt, although you denied it when I apologized. You were furious. You demanded that I block my play partner immediately, which seemed completely rude and unnecessary to me as he had never agreed to your limits and I was the one who was your slave and bound to obey you. You pointed out that I had been willing to end the relationship with him earlier if you requested and I rebuttled that now I knew he was a good fit for me and we had a pleasant relationship that I did not want to end, hence me position had changed. You became even more upset, saying that I lacked integrity and should be careful in the lifestyle because people would not want me for their sub. You threatened to end our relationship, which terrified me and I felt ashamed, scared, angry and just completely in shock at the intensity of your response.

I had been up since six am, worked all day and had just had sex for the first time with someone I barely knew. My relationship with you was imploding and I was guilty and distraught about that. I knew I still had to go home after this and process everything with my husband and be available to give him support and attention. All I had wanted to do was have a fun night of relaxing sex and it ended great damage done to my Master’s trust in me. Under so much stress, I blew up at you, saying I was tired of doing things for everyone else, that I had a very demanding life and that fun sex is something wanted for myself, something I felt I deserved and that I was angry at everyone and everything for making such a simple thing so unnecessarily difficult. You told me I sounded like a whiny teenager having a tantrum and assigned me to start therapy because you were worried about my mental health. Finally you told me I could continue to see my play partner but he was never to use FC3 and you didn’t want to hear anything ever about our relationship or what we did. At that point your hot anger had turned to ice, you obviously were filled with disgust for me. I was a total mess, physically shaking, crying and absolutely exhausted.

I drove home, talking on the phone with a close friend in the lifestyle who knows about us on the way, who provided plenty of love, support and reassurance that I was not a terrible person, that it was right for you to be so upset and that you would find a way to forgive me. My poor husband was waiting up for me and I gave him a brief sketch of my night, then apologized for being completely spent and went and took a long shower alone with my thoughts. He was concerned and supportive and affectionate with me. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep, thinking of you. I texted you another apology in the wee hours, telling you how sorry I was that I was not your perfect slave, begging you to take pity on me. I greeted you in the morning and I messaged you during the day. You didn’t even read my morning messages and I despaired.

Finally you greeted me. I immediately asked to speak to you on the phone ASAP and we set up a time to talk again. Thursday night, in the middle of rain storm I called you from my car. I asked you if you wanted to talk as Master and Slave or as our real names and you answered me “Both”, which bothers me somewhat. Your preference to keep softening that line between the power dynamic in our BSDM relationship vs. outside it. I don’t know what I am giving up by allowing that and it troubles me. However, I was not in a position to argue so I accepted your request and we began to talk. Essentially you held your position that I am a flawed individual who you now know you cannot trust to control herself sexually outside of your direct supervision which is a disappointment. You confirmed that you had also felt the intensifying feeling between us earlier in the week which made this mistake even more disruptive to our dynamic. You repeatedly told me that I had put a crack in the foundation of our relationship. When I protested that I was a new sub who was not perfect and that I needed guidance and help, that I had been clear from the beginning that I needed a sexual outlet, that I had been reluctant to accept this limitation when it was negotiated and had warned you that I might fail, that I had been completely honest about my failure and accepting of the need for punishment, you softened a tiny amount. You agreed that I had been honest and that I was trying to improve. You reminded me of how harshly you had punished me for my previous small error and explained that I should continue to expect rigorous discipline for my mistakes and failures. I wept off and on throughout our entire conversation as I realized how badly I had erred and how difficult it would be to recover your esteem and trust as your Slave. I also realized how deeply I value your opinion of me and how rarely I have let others down in my life the way I have failed you, My Master. Perhaps because you are asking things of me and pushing me to my limits in a way that no one ever has.

Since that conversation, I have poured myself into reconnecting with you and the work of repairing our relationship. I have begun searching for a kink friendly therapist. I have accepted and started practicing the wonderful new tasks you also created for me this week, some of which have mantras admitting my weak will power, uncertain identity and warnings of how I may lose my relationship with you if I am undeserving. I have changed my name on Fet to one you chose, which reflects my lowered status. I have continued to apologize, abase myself to you and have examined my behavior, both alone and in conversation with my friends and my husband. It has been a long and difficult week and I know I am not even close to being done. The reward has been your gracious gift of keeping me in your presence even as I am a worthless, flawed, out of control, impulsive Slut Slave. I am so thankful you still keep your hand upon me. You have not unplugged me (Thank you, thank you, thank you, My Lord). You are firm and merciless as you should be, in response to my mistake and you reject with scorn the parts of me that led to it but you do not reject all of me. You told me you still see potential for this Slave. I know that under your discipline and leadership I can continue to grow into the perfect obedience and submission that you deserve. I know that as an experienced Dom you can use my errors as part of my process of learning. Although this has been so painful, it has helped both of us understand me better. Perhaps you have learned something new about yourself as well, My Master. Now you have jerked the chain tight around my neck and brought me to heel. Now you see what a task you have ahead of you in training me. So eager to submit to your will up to a point and then, steely resistance and even disobedience when I am thwarted in pursuit of what I feel are my deserved rewards.

My feelings today are of great regret for my actions, sad awareness of my flaws, humility and gratitude towards you, My Lord. There are remnants of anger at myself for not listening to my own internal guidance about my limits and I will be more careful to do so in the future. There is anxiety about your expectations for me to be so perfect even as I am yet new and developing. There is worry that we will continue to struggle with my need for physical sex while you are away and that my continued engagement with my play partner will be a constant source of conflict and drama. There is guilt for not having kept my word to you and betraying your trust in me. My panic that you will completely release me from your worship and service is reduced but not resolved as I know not to become complacent nor assume that because you have allowed me to creep nearer that you have forgiven me. I have fallen and it is terrible. I long for the day when you will again freely allow me to worship you, when you can accept my devotion and obedience with an easy heart and when you can look upon your Property with pride and satisfaction at how I have developed and improved under your ownership.

Weekly Update 4/20/20-4/26/20

Posted on by Avertas

It feels so good to me to obey and to be used, be mindless and controlled and open to anything you desire from me, My Master

To feel your hold on me

Both my mind and my body

Your plug is so familiar now, the secret touching of your clit and FH2 through the day as I edge

Wearing a harness beneath my pretty work clothes like the slut that I am, My Master

I am so happy to be in your service, My Lord

You are right that I never would have thought that I would feel it so deeply

That I would be transformed by a relationship like this, especially because you are so far away from me

I find myself longing for the time when I can kneel down to you in person, My Lord

Boundaries

This has been a relatively pleasant and more quiet week compared to last week, which was full of difficult revelations. I completed my tasks for you willingly. This week I was ovulating which makes my sex driving very high and you decided I could not use FH2 for pleasure, but only your clit and FH3. I had been on hormonal birth control in some form or another for my entire adult life as a woman prior to about two years ago. Off of it, I have have perfect cycles and I am much more aware of the changes in my mind and body with my fertility. During ovulation I feel like I could stay in bed and fuck about ten guys in a row, completely insatiable, which is frustrating, distracting and somewhat embarassing. To be so influenced by my body and its ancient commands to procreate. What is interesting is that I tend to get even more male attention when I am ovulating as well, perhaps because of my unconcious behavior and how I present myself, perhaps because they can smell it on me. We are all animals after all.

This week my body harnesses arrived and I began wearing them under my clothing at work. We did a lot of playful boundary pushing at work this week, perhaps as a result of me feeling your hand on me more in that setting than previously. Honestly, that is the environment where I am least comfortable accessing this part of my self and that is a healthy boundary, I think. My work calls for a clear and ready mind. The harnesses are beautiful and I enjoyed sending you pics of them all. I like feeling pretty and desirable. It feels delightfully secret wearing them under my clothes, which I had to pick out carefully to ensure that all the straps were covered and the lines not obvious to observers. I like secrets, they make me feel powerful. I texted you as I was walking into work one morning, your plug in my ass, the pull of the garters of your harness rubbing on my things, walking past my colleagues with a smirk. You responded by ordering me to cum, which I did of course. I happened to be alone in a public elevator at the time, which was a first, leaning against the wall and whimpering slightly in pleasure. You also had me go to the cafeteria during my lunch break and made me cum there with other people in the room. This playing at work feels pleasurable, fun, risky but contained. You are riding right up to the very edge of what I think is acceptable there, as you do with any boundary or limit. It has helped that work has been fairly light this week, giving me some extra time during the day that I won’t always have.

The harnesses are important symbols of my submission to you and I am trying to figure out my boundaries with them and my other relationships. For example, I often send a naughty pic of myself to my new male lover during the day, but I don’t want him to see the harnesses because he is very observant and will ask right away why I am wearing such a thing to work. He knows about you, but very little and has not asked for more information and I don’t want to give him more information either. I take them off when I get home although my husband has seen them and finds them sexy, I don’t like to wear them for him; they are not for him. I don’t wear them if I am helping him practice shibari or in the photographs for Fet that we have been taking of his rope work. I don’t send booty pics with them on to my various casual internet suitors/friends who I sometimes indulge with a saucy picture. I don’t know if this makes me a good or bad sub. I am hiding my submission even in anonymous spaces where it would be acceptable like Fet or online; I am protecting my other relationships from being impacted by this one. Generally I feel incredibly lucky to be able to participate in more than one relationship and have such great men in my life in their various roles to me but it gets complicated and tiring too, constantly thinking about what they need to know and understand about each other and about me. About what each of them needs and expects from me.

Kinky Dreams Vs. Realities

This morning you asked me if I would have a sex chair made and keep it in my house for us to use for play. I figured that was what you were going to ask and I already knew that I was going to say no. We discussed the reasons why already and I won’t go into that further. It was strange to say “No” to you but also kind of good, I think. I do have to consider more that just your wishes, as much as I would like to indulge you in all of them. You have never been married or had children or held a job with a public profile (that I am aware of anyway) so sometimes I wonder if you just think I’m being difficult or overly cautious. I know most of your subs were younger and had lower stakes than me. They were just finding their way in life while I come to you with a fully realized, complicated and successful life and ask you to fit into it and add to it without disrupting the rest of the house of cards. What a challenging request that is. And you have done it beautifully. The place where my slavehood is the most intrusive is obviously my marriage and I feel like that is going fairly well partly thanks to this blog and partly due to my commitment to maintain my primary relationship and my husband’s wonderful acceptance and love for me.

Sometimes you ask me to do things which sound amazingly fun, but are also impractical and would cause a lot of distress in the rest of my life; I have to say no. And that sucks. Right now it often feels like all we have left is dreaming about a better time when we can fulfill our fantasies because the reality is mundane and so restricted by current events, responsibilities and practical limitations. In my fantasies I can play with you in complete freedom, with the only restrictions being my own mind, but in reality, of course, we are bound by much more.

Thank you for respecting that I will sometimes need to say No. I don’t like to disappoint you. As your slave, I assure you that it is an unpleasant feeling for me, since I would much prefer to eagerly grant your requests as a sign of my submission. I did appreciate you respecting that limit and even telling me you won’t bring it up again. It makes me feel safe with you when you listen to me even when you don’t always understand or agree with my choices.