Tag: M/S dynamic

Weekly Update 8/16/20-8/23/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Whattttttttt are you?”

Your Property, My Master

“Check your email”

(New Mantras for Identify, Loyalty and Grounding from My Master)

Thank you, My Master

I just read them all out loud to myself in the car

“And….”

I loved Grounding and Loyalty, My Master

I will need to get used to the changes you made in the Identify Mantras, My Master

They surprised me

“O”

I assure you My Master that I am not lying to you or seeking outside relationships

Other than being on the lookout for potential women for us to play with or a potential gf for you, as instructed, My Wolf

I understand from your words that is clearly a concern and I will accept these Mantras, My Master

I am on my knees for YOU

I seek attention from YOU

Yes, I tease and attract but that is just a game, My Master

It is not serious and I follow your restrictions happily

You have my heart and mind, My Master

My body is your Property

“Pet,

You are an attention slut.

And, by your own disclosure, when people flirt….

You could easily drift.”

“Yes.

It is”

“I am an Open minded Owner.

I don’t mind if my Mutt holds her own leash at times.

Review and send me SUGGESTED Modification to the mantras”

No, My Master

I will take these Mantras as they stand, My Lord

Until YOU are ready to soften them

Bc YOU believe that I am true to you

I already know it

But it will not hurt me to be reminded of the potential for weakness, My Master

“Master doesn’t want to HARM his property.

Use and abuse, sure…”

Your doubt does not harm me, My Wolf

It saddens me

It frustrates me

But I will earn your trust, My Lord

Deepening

It has been a busy week. I have struggled to start this blog entry, not sure how to tie together the many things we have been discussing and planning together, My Wolf. On a broader level, I guess that reflects how well and frequently we are communicating now. We have made great progress over the past few weeks and I feel strongly connected, more confident in my submission and even more excited about the future as I become less anxious that you will abandon me upon returning home. You have been open about your thoughts for organizing your relationships with me and others and I appreciate that transparency. You have continued to connect me with others in your life and the Lifestyle in general, having me chat on line with previous and current playmates/subs this week. I do find it challenging to understand what tone to take with these women as I don’t want to look like a fool because I don’t know the backstory of your relationship with them, nor do I want to overstep accidentally as I don’t know what your thoughts are on what their role might be in your life.

In response to some of these concerns, we spoke over the phone this week for the first time in a long time. I have recently purchased a beautiful new car and you have been helping me celebrate with various fun and kinky tasks. We talked in the car in a secluded parking lot of a local park, ironically the same one where we talked after I broke your trust with my Play Partner. That time it was raining and I wept through the entire conversation. This time it was a beautiful, hot summer night and there were no tears, but instead attention, connection, humor, trust, release, honesty and pleasure. You had me bring a wand, of course and led your Property through orgasm after orgasm, as you know so well how to do. Again and again you asked me what I am, who I am. Again and again I answered, I am your Property, I am your Slave as the pressure built, as the climax ripped through me, I yelled it, “I am YOUR SLAVE”. I am blushing and smiling now, to think of it.

Beyond the play, however, My Master, which is always excellent with you, was the sense of ease we have arrived at. I hope you felt it too. Not disrespectful, not dismissive of the dynamic between us, but I think reflecting that both of us are letting our walls down slowly and also understanding each other. The fact that we can enjoy just talking together, laughing and comfortable, that gives me great hope for the future too. We work well together outside of the purely sexual/BDSM realm and that will make some of our plans for traveling together and other adventures more pleasant for both of us. You are an intelligent, open minded and articulate man and I enjoy your company when I am seated by your side as much as when I am on my knees.

I also returned to work this week, which was surprisingly physically challenging for me after the surgery. My work is not physically difficult but mentally requires attention to detail, careful decision making, strong emotional control and leadership. While I have been up and about for some time now, I had been taking a rest in the afternoon, obviously not possible at work. I am impatient with weakness in myself and frustrated by being slower and more easily fatigued than usual. You are well aware of this tendency in myself and have been keeping a close eye on my activity level, encouraging me to rest, adapting Tasks to reduce the stress on me and chiding me gently for not getting enough sleep. You charge me with taking good care of your Property, which motivates me more than my own discomfort. Many experiences in my life have reinforced my fatigue or discomfort as being of little consequence and to be ignored in favor of getting work done and meeting the needs of others. This training, both implicit and explicitly reinforced by my profession and motherhood, has helped me be successful in life, but at the cost of not always being in tune with my own needs. And in a fucked up way, I take pride in that as well. Being such a work horse and martyr that never breaks, that cannot break without harming those that I carry, that I am responsible for.

With you I feel things are more equal. I care for you, think about you and your needs, take actions to show you my devotion and offer you my attention and thoughts when you want them. I do protect you, My Master, in my own way. In return you lift some responsibility from my shoulders by controlling my sexuality and more and more my relationships outside my marriage. The other night you told me that you are responsible for me, which made me laugh a bit to myself. That will take a long time for me to believe, My Master and require so much trust, for me to truly rest in your Ownership. Ever since I was a young girl, I have felt that there is no protection for me but the protection I provide myself. There is no God watching over me. My parents loved me but, of course, could not stop the world and its terrible and arbitrary cruelty. So I learned young that life is hard and there is no limit on how hard it can become. I am alone in it, and although others may help me, I must be strong enough to persevere and not fall apart no matter what happens next. In subspace, in the throes of overwhelming sensation and sexual oblivion, I am able to let this go and I just exist, floating and open, vulnerable and raw. You will see me then, My Master, my soul shining out of my eyes as you abuse and pleasure the flesh of your Property, more completely than most people in this world will ever know me.

Attention Whore

My new Identify Mantras emphasize your Ownership and my position as worthless, weak willed Property, as is to be expected. However, they also introduced the concept of my being an “attention seeking little girl”, a theme which has become increasingly prominent this week. I am not sure what exactly triggered this change but I have suspicions that it may be related to multiple things. I have been enjoying making playful, cute videos online which have drawn some compliments from others. I was also recently unexpectedly approached by an attractive couple I know online to participate in virtual sex play with them, sexting and watching videos of them performing sex acts for my viewing. Lastly, the dominatrix you are familiar with, whom I had introduced myself to and who indicated an interest in me, came forward with a more solid request for me to join her in a submissive role to dom several young men together.

All of this attention and pursuit has occurred under your watchful eye, My Master, and nothing has been hidden. I have followed all your instructions and restrictions and told you everything communicated between myself and others. I hope that you are able to see the attention and compliments your Property receives as tribute to you as my Owner. I am naturally an extroverted, playful, sexual person, My Master. I enjoy flirting and talking to people. I do enjoy attention and I don’t see that as some terrible or shameful flaw. I think this is one of the traits that actually draws you to me, my curiosity, energy and whole hearted engagement with the world and the people in it. Especially when I am happy and feeling good, I am quite silly and you make me feel that way everyday, My Wolf! I explained to you that you are the target audience for such content and you were surprised which made me sigh and laugh…how do you not understand this, My Master?

I decided to accept the Mantras as they are for several reasons. One, it is extremely important to me that the Mantras come as much from you as possible. I do NOT want to write my own Mantras. They are an important way for you to shape and influence my mind and it would be too easy for both of us to slip into allowing me to write them which undermines our roles. I care less that they are “perfect” and much more that they are from the mind of My Lord. As such, even when they don’t sit well with me, they are useful in that they remind me of what your concerns are, where you see my failings, what you wish me to be attentive to, even if I am less concerned. Perhaps I am over confident, My Master, and certainly, your Pathetic Slut Slave always needs humbling. It is also good for me to practice accepting what I am given by my Lord without criticism or worry about my own desires. Hence why it does me good to be put on my knees as often as you do, so I can bow my head, kiss your feet and remember my place here is not to control but to let go, follow your lead and be grateful you have chosen to put your hand upon me.

Weekly Update 8/3/20-8/9/20

Posted on by Avertas

“So 100 strokes with Satisfyer and no orgasm?”

Correct, My Master

As Instructed

“Impressed, you have earned freebies

Enjoy”

Well I told you I would be able to

…..

“Wellll..

It seems my Slave DOES have will power when it IS important.”

You are so important to me, My Master

I wish you could forgive my mistake

But I will keep trying to show you how much I regret it and improve

I’ll take my shower now if that’s ok

“Forgive, yes.

Forget, never.”

I understand

Good night, My Master

“Good night, My Treasure”

———————————————————————

Thank you, My Master

Your training is taking effect

“You have a long road ahead of you, My Cunt

Crawling.

Worshiping my body

Cumming on command at parties as you hump my foot or boot”

I am your Property and to be used as pleases you best, My Master

“Good girl”

I put myself in your power to be shaped, used, abused, pleasured but always in service to you

“And, here only a few months ago you did not even believe in Remote Control orgasms

Nor

That you were a slave”

My life has changed so much

It’s not at all what I expected

But here I am

“It is rarely what we expect it to be, My Treasure”

Even so, you draw me like a magnet, My Wolf

Anxiety about the Future; Regret about the Past

At the beginning of the week, before I had my cosmetic surgery, you had me perform one more physical Task for you, a variant of Full, which requires me to fill all your Fuck Cunts at once with dildos for a certain number of strokes, if possible concluding with an orgasm with all the cunts stuffed. This is a technically challenging task and can be unpleasant as you encourage me to practice deep throating with FC1 during it. You have been edging me aggressively for the past few weeks to improve orgasm control amongst other things. To test that control we agreed to add on an extension to the task of 100 strokes in FC3 while using the Satisfier on your clit to see if I would be able to do it without orgasming. You clearly thought I would fail, My Master, while I had complete confidence that I could do it and enjoyed being a little “sassy” to you in response to your doubts. We were texting a bit during the Task and after I announced that I had achieved the goal, I hoped you would take the opportunity to perhaps call me briefly or take over and give me some guided orgasms but you were distracted and did not. I was disappointed because I knew that after the surgery I would not be able to play with you for some time nor had you asked to play with me for weeks, but I took it in stride. I reminded myself that I was a Slave and my pleasures are dependent on my Master’s wishes and so, with no orgasm after fucking all your holes thoroughly I cleaned my toys with a dripping, unsatisfied FC2 and started getting ready to take a shower in preparation for my procedure in the morning.

While I was undressing you texted, and we had the exchange above. I was naked, plug loose in your stretched FC3, clit still aching for release, somewhat anxious and guilty about the surgery in the morning and looking at my body in its current form for the last time, wondering if I was making a mistake, wondering how painful and difficult the recovery would be, how much it would inconvenience my family, if it would be worth the money, if I was selfish and stupid for doing this. Initially, your texts caused their usual schoolgirl rush of happiness and your praise made me smile and glow with pride and pleasure. But then, as has happened so many times, you twisted my hand, that I thought you were holding so gently in your steely grip, bringing me to tears and to my knees with your keen observation of my failings. That little comment about being able to control myself when I thought it was important enough to do so, hit me like a truck. I obviously knew you were referencing my breaking of my promise to you about sex with my play partner. I gently put down the phone and melted to the floor, curled up, quietly sobbing so no one else would hear, feeling like I would never truly be free of your doubt and disdain for that error, that you would always cast that in my face, even when I thought that I had pleased you. How can I defend myself from the truth, My Master? It will always be true that I failed you and I lay open my heart to you to be lashed a thousand times, My Lord, if that gives you solace.

Did you know that you had struck me so hard, My Master? Because we mostly communicate by text, I can still hide my hurts and joys from you. You don’t see the times the phone is flung across the bed in frustration. You don’t see me kiss the screen or sigh in bliss or giggle at your joke or grimace in response to an idea for my future use. You don’t see my eyes fill with tears of regret, of confusion, of despair. I pick and choose still what picture I paint for you of myself. I send only the best selfies and the prettiest outfits. I protect myself, weakly, through these little deceits and masks, even as I continue to tumble happily down the rabbit hole of submission to you. But the time for all this will soon be drawing to an end.

Lately, we have been talking more and more about being together in real life. I have been talking with my therapist about it and everything that may or may not come to pass. I need to start talking to my husband about it at some point, although what to say to him baffles me as I barely know how to counsel myself. I am terrified for the masks to be pulled away. For you to see my true face and to look into your dark eyes and see if you will still claim me. Or if there is nothing between us and it was all words and dreams and I must armor myself again. Even now, I do not know, My Master, if you would have been pleased to see those tears from your comment hitting home, or if you would have been surprised or even concerned. It does not matter so much what your reaction would have been, My Master. The fact that I cannot predict it is what is so telling of my ignorance about you. So much about you remains a mystery and yet I cannot hold myself back from what I want to be, what I must be, WHAT I AM…Your Slave and Property.

Upgrading Property

The surgery was uneventful and strange. I was turned into a patient with a simple costume change and coddled by the jolly nurses while they filled out a thousand forms. My undesirable flesh was carefully measured, groped and marked for destruction by my beautiful surgeon who noted several flaws immediately that she casually planned to correct (my belly button was not midline and my right breast slightly larger than my left). I was reassured by a distant but capable anesthesiologist that he wouldn’t let me die when I let him breathe for me. I climbed willingly onto the surgical table, internally amused as the staff transformed me again, this time from a patient into an object needing repair, gently arranging my passive limbs and beginning to refer to me as if I was no longer there even when I still had my wits about me. But soon the good doctor unexpectedly took my hand gently in his and firmly pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply and, of course, like a good girl, I did.

I dimly recall recovery and driving home through what my husband told me later was a terrible storm. I texted you that evening and told you I was high and itchy and fine. I was wrapped tightly in bindings from my armpits to my hip bones with two clear plastic drains coming out of the bottom and the next two days I focused on sleeping, eating and enduring the usual post operative discomforts while my husband ran the household and kept me fed and hydrated. Two days after, I returned to the clinic and was unwrapped and saw my new body for the first time. While it was definitely swollen, bruised and stitched together, the APRN was pleased with the repair and even I could see the potential for a beautiful outcome in my currently somewhat macerated flesh.

You have been quite gentle with me in this period of recovery, My Master. Even before the procedure you declared that I needed to focus on rest and relieved me of being plugged, my usual Tasks and Rituals even including my morning greeting to you, which is one I have honored since very early in our relationship. You have endured my unusual dullness and lack of availability due to the surgery followed shortly by my restlessness, whining and boredom as I start to feel better and yet not well enough to return to my normal routines and service to you. You can be a patient man, My Lord. When you show your concern for your Property, it also brings me to my knees, not from Fear but from another emotion, even more dangerous and frightening to me. Thank you for your kindness to me, your Pathetic Slut Slave, while I am healing, My Wolf. You know I am eager to serve you through my beloved Rituals and challenging Tasks, be plugged again (soon!), enjoy your naughty games and share in your sexy, dirty day dreams and plans for the future.

Weekly Update 7/12/20-7/19/20

Posted on by Avertas

“We are all set, love! I’m happy to see you!!”

“I am too 🙂

Thank you for setting this up

And one thing

No nonsense about me paying

Understand?

This is my treat”

“You’re silly. I’m just happy to spend time with you :)”

Good

Me too

But I don’t want to hear a word about the bill

And I’m not going to say it again”

__________________________________________

“Let me know when you arrive

Then keep up dated on the direction it’s going”

Yes, My Lord

“Good.

You will give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when you meet”

Yes, My Master

—————————————————————–

I stopped myself from kissing her mult times, My Master

“Why?”

When I took the picture I had my hand around her waist and was rubbing her

The waiter totally thought we were girlfriends 🙂

BC she told me she would be tormented with guilt if she did anything

And he couldn’t handle it

And all kinds of other nonsense

“But why didn’t you”

While staring at me with lust in her yes and letting me do whatever I want

BC I’m a good fucking person

“My pathetic weak willed Slave

is A GOOD PERSON”

Well…fine

Thank you, My Master

“The rest is on Her”

Yes, it is

I told her to tell her husband everything

A Date

A woman I know as a friend has been increasingly flirtatious. She knows I am bisexual and she has always had a submissive attitude towards me. Over the past few weeks she has fairly transparently indicated an interest in me and eventually she asked me out to dinner. I haven’t been on a date for a long time, as I only see my play partner sporadically and we do not date. I mentioned it to you and you told me that you would have a task for me that night. In my texting with this woman, I intentionally took on a dominant tone. I wanted to see how she would respond to that and also how I would feel about it. I enjoyed it very much and it felt good to be in the position of authority and control, rather than the needy, insecure feeling I often have as a Sub.

The night of the date, I texted you that I was getting ready to go and asked about the task. You told me to put in the Hush and I raised an eyebrow. However, I am ever your obedient Slave and I am always up for your kinky adventures so I complied, heavily lubing it up and replacing the nJoy which usually fills your FC3. The Hush is much less comfortable for long term wear although I have developed some tolerance for it and knew it wouldn’t be too bad. I was aroused and nervous, which is how you often make me feel, My Master. And curious, of course, to see what you were up to.

You started to give me directions about how to behave on the date. How to greet her, what to tell her about my lifestyle. I will be honest that I initially balked. The first image that sprung to my mind was that of a puppet. You have never directly controlled me in my interactions with others before and it was a new level of submission for me that was both uncomfortable and erotic. I also felt like it presumed that you would have influence and control over my relationship with this woman and/or other potential subs and I’m not sure about where my limits are with that yet. On one hand I absolutely appreciate your support and advice as an experienced Dom to help me. I am also your devoted and obedient Slave and pleased to follow your will and commands. On the other hand, I want to develop my own sub and honor whatever dynamic develops between us, which will be different, of course, than our own. I know that this conversation is premature, but it is something simmering in my mind and it will come up again as we both explore what it means for me to move outside of only the submissive role and for you to use me as a Switch.

The date was interesting. She continued to flirt, stare at me longingly and use pet names. I continued to look as hot as humanly possible, boss her gently around and generally seduce her. Which was, of course, effective. I stroked her hair, I ordered her drink, I posed provocative questions and gave genuine compliments. I made her laugh, I took her picture and rubbed the side of her body. She loved all of it. Finally I called her out and asked her to tell me how she was feeling about me. She admitted that she was very attracted to me and I was not misreading her signals. I reminded her that I was bisexual, explained that I had an open marriage and, per your request, told her that I was in the lifestyle and served a Dom. I questioned her situation and she explained that she had always thought she was strait until she started developing feelings for me and that she felt strongly that her husband would not tolerate her having a sexual relationship with me. She had not discussed it with him directly but he knew that she was interested, essentially warning her to behave while on this date. She said she would be tortured with guilt if she did something that he wouldn’t like and that he was an insecure person who wouldn’t want her to have a side relationship with a woman. I listened to her and supported her dedication and commitment to her marriage, feeling thankful that my own husband is a much braver and mature man.

This information about her husband put me in a difficult position about moving forward. I texted you updates and you gave me feedback. You also told me to turn on the Hush…and tell her that it was on. Oh, My Master. You have no idea how uncomfortable and humiliating that was. Here I am, trying to Domme and you make me admit that I have a plug buzzing in my ass (which felt incredible btw)! I tried to figure out how to casually work that into conversation, which I did on the ride home, where I had my hand on her thigh, gently circling my thumb and desperately resisting the urge to slide it higher, press it against her crotch and hear her moan. I told her about the Hush and that it was at your command and the poor thing was so overwhelmed I don’t think it even registered. I dropped her off at home and did not kiss her good night, respecting her limits, even as she paused and looked at me, wanting me to do it.

Afterwards you and I texted and I felt a little strange. I felt shame about my level of sexual need and being a “freak”. This comes up for me sometimes, as you know. It was probable triggered by comparing myself to this “normal” woman who was so innocent and simple in her life. Many times I wish I could be more like the other women around me but then I would never trade my exciting, crazy life for theirs, would I? You reassured me and you also explored with me why I had restrained myself from fully pursuing this woman after she told me about her restrictions due to her marriage. You know I have trouble with sexual boundaries. This is an area you are working to help me improve. You praised me for not taking what I could have and for being a good person. Then you made me cum so hard and so many times, sitting in the dark car on the side of the road as you turned the Hush higher and higher until I was trembling with need and FC2 was soaking wet, my legs wide open, moaning in pleasure, clutching my breasts.

Thank you , My Lord for such an interesting and challenging evening. You treat me so differently than anyone else I have ever met. You push me and I feel uncomfortable at times but I am feeling more and more that I can put myself in your hands and trust the experience. I still have that moment of wanting to fight for control but now I see it and I intentionally release it, bow my head and follow you.

Plugged Slave

Recently my husband and I have been discussing the impact of my being plugged on him. I have been sensitive to this since you first told me that I would remain plugged essentially at all times outside of work. My husband initially expressed little concern about it and even told me he didn’t mind it during sex. However, over time, his feeling have grown more mixed. I have been trying to get him to explain his thoughts and feelings about it to me and bringing the topic up more often to encourage him. The plug is a very important symbol of my Slave status. It is essentially my collar right now. Last night we went on a date, which he had expressed really looking forward to, although, interestingly he was too distracted by work this week to remember to get a babysitter or reservations. However we did discuss that and he apologized and confirmed he did really want to go out with me. He got a sitter set up and I found a romantic restaurant and a place for drinks afterwards down on the water.

I texted him the locations as well as telling him that I wouldn’t wear panties. This is something I don’t normally do but I thought it would be playful and sexy. He has been expressing more and more of an interest in wanting to do more kinky things with me and I am trying to introduce elements that I think would work well in our current loving and vanilla relationship. Like many men, he expresses a desire to “try anything” but it is clear to me that some of the things I have him try do not really appeal to him or excite him. Which is totally fine and valid but it is a process of trial and error to see what might excite him. Sometimes I feel disappointed when I see the confirmation that he doesn’t really enjoy a lot of the kinks that I do.

I showered and shaved my entire body and wore a sexy, short, off the shoulder dress and high heels. When I was getting ready, I considered not putting in my plug as it was a special night with my husband, but I felt that I wanted to wear it (as I always do). I found it very naughty and arousing to be both bare bottomed and with the plug in place. I bent over and looked in the mirror at your bare FC2 and the silver handle in FC3 with my long tan legs in heels and knew that view would drive most men insane. I imagined what would happen if I got a little tipsy and wasn’t careful with my legs or if I stumbled and flashed everyone. Of course, those thoughts of being exposed, humiliated and yet sexually objectified were very exciting for me. You had also been edging me aggressively all through the day and I was generally in a very sexual frame of mind.

The date was great and we had a lively, honest and deep conversation as we always do. We are wonderful companions and he is a man of intelligence, taste and humor. He also looked hot and I kept hoping he would take advantage of the situation and run his hand up under my dress and make me cum but he did not. That his not his style and sometimes I struggle to accept that. After we left the last place, having had cocktails and delicious desserts in a beautiful room full of beautiful people right on the water, I began kissing him aggresively and pulled his hands onto my ass. In the car he finally began rubbing my pussy and I was moaning and asked him what he wanted, which was to go home and have sex.

It was on the way home that he told me he was having mixed and fluctuating feelings about my wearing the plug. That it was intrusive and distracting mentally for him and he wished I had not worn it that night. He freely admitted that he had given mixed signals and I expressed understanding of why that might be. I asked specifically what I could change that would make him more comfortable with it and he said for now, just not to wear it on dates with him or, if possible, during sex, which of course I agreed. I again encouraged him to tell me directly to take it out when he wants me to. I did explain that I like to wear the plug, which surprised him as he felt it was being done out of obedience only. I again confirmed that I could take it out easily any time he requested and that it would not be a problem.

I spent a lot of time reinforcing that our marriage is precious and important and that I love him deeply and want us to continue to have an open conversation about how my participation in the lifestyle effects him. I also reinforced how deeply you respect our marriage and told him how you always take time to check on how things are going for us and never try to change or direct me in my interactions with him. He is struggling with me and my needs and I will continue to be attentive and careful. I feel guilty that as his partner I am not a better fit for him and that because he is with me he is often pushed outside his comfort zone and into challenging emotional spaces. I worry that my behaviors and sexual preferences makes him feel stressed and inadequate. He is a rare and brave man for staying with me despite what I ask of him.