Tag: Master

Weekly Update 9/6/20-9/13/20

Posted on by Avertas

I think it is becoming too strong, My Master

You need space and freedom

“No such thing, My Pet.”

I need to not make myself vulnerable to too much emotional suffering in response to your normal and healthy needs

I am being unrealistic, which is unlike me, My Master

And I apologize for that

“I have too much space…..Freedom is also not a reality for the next few months”

I am not asking to leave your service, My Master

It is not time for that

Your happiness is my goal, My Master

***Master attempts to call***

I can’t talk to you right now, My Master

Please just consider it, My Lord

…..

Do you feel that you understand why I am asking for this, My Master?

“Yes.

Personal and emotional self-protetion.

As I have become something that you never intended but hoped for”

Yes, My Master

“What are you”

I am your Property, My Master

“Good girl

And…

….”

I don’t know what you want me to say, My Master

I am just stuck and I see no way out

Hard Truths

This has been a difficult week for your Slave, My Master. I have been supporting various friends emotionally through crisis, working my busy, full time job, followed up with my surgeon who cleared me for more intense exercise, which I have begun and of course, my responsibilities for my household and my family. These are the normal responsibilities I carry along with my service to you. I am an energetic and strong person and can usually meet the needs of everyone consistently if not gracefully, but this week there were added emotional struggles that overwhelmed me at times. At least two days this week I struggled with significant depressed mood, frequent tearfulness, irritability, and urges to flee from and avoid you, my Tasks and my other duties to work, husband and family. I fantasized about living alone, doing as I pleased, having a freedom I will never have in this life to seek amusement, pleasure, connection, knowledge in my own way and with whomever I chose. Of course, I would never act on such dreams. I am so loved and needed by everyone. I have made myself such beautiful golden chains, My Master.

In response to my mood, I reached out to my friend/former lover, who has been chatting with me quite a bit recently, asking to meet me again, which you did give permission for us to see each other platonically. He agreed to that, however did text me yesterday morning that he was horny and thinking of me drinking his cum, so I’m less confident that he will adhere to the “platonic” aspect of resuming contact. In any case, I told I was feeling depressed and he launched into a long and supportive text conversation reminding me that I have the perfect life. That I’m well off and beautiful with a loving family and a rewarding job. That he has met very few people like me etc etc, blah blah blah. Of course you know that this did absolutely nothing other than add feeling guilty to being depressed, My Master. Guilty that I dare to be less than content and fulfilled with such an abundance around me. But even it is greedy and selfish of me, the truth is that I am not fulfilled. I often do not feel cherished and loved. I am suspicious that others use me for their own purposes. I don’t think that anyone really understands me or cares about me. I don’t trust others and don’t want to share with them my emotional suffering.

Some of what has made me more insecure this week is that you began discussing taking on a 24/7 submissive upon return to home. Intellectually and rationally I am fully in support of you having a girl friend and primary sub. You are single and it is natural and normal for you to want to have a companion and lover to be with every day. It cannot be me because I have other roles to play at this time in my life. So I am left in limbo, knowing that I long to serve you, to explore with you, to deepen our connection even further, but also knowing that I am unlikely to have that opportunity as obviously, anyone who is lucky enough to be in that role will demand the position of first for your attention, affection, time and connection, as they should. And that is said without a hint of anger or resentment, My Master. I truly want you to be happy. You are an amazing Dom and man and should have a primary submissive who can be what you need and deserve. You should be free to explore that dynamic and grow without me in the way complicating things for you.

My feelings are intense and conflicted at this point, My Master. I don’t want to leave you, I want every second I can have at your feet. But I am not a robot or made of stone. Quite the contrary, I am an emotional person, empathic and responsive. I have thought of perhaps taking another play partner as a way to distract myself and perhaps lessen my dependence on you. I thought of pulling back in my frequency of communication to you, sort of cooling off and giving you more space, but I doubt I could follow through with it. The second you asked for me, I will be at your command. The second you say, kneel, I drop to my knees. The second you say, cum, I feel waves of pleasure spreading from your clit. I am your Property, My Master.

I am troubled and anxious and uncertain of the future. I do not like feeling like this and these are not emotions I have much experience with. My natural instinct is always toward action, but there is no action for me here other than to wait and see and hope and try to believe you when you say that you have chosen me and we will find a way. You know I am preparing myself to lose you. I have been preparing myself for that from the beginning, I suppose. The more I care for you, the more I let you in, the more I submit to you and rest under your authority and control, the greater the pain that awaits me. I am chiseling away at the boulder that will crush me someday. It doesn’t matter though, My Master. Probably in the long run it will be good for me to be crushed and hardened. I am such a stupid Mutt to ruin things with useless feelings, My Wolf. I will strive to get myself under control, stay in the moment, learn from you and enjoy the time you are able to give me, My Master. That is one of the hard lessons I need to learn. I am not going to be able to have everything I want and that is okay. It is also okay for me to privately mourn for that which is not possible but for which I will always long.

Weekly Update 8/31/20-9/6/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good Morning, Slave,

How is my property feeling this morning?”

Much better after actually sleeping eight hours, My Master

Thank you for sending me to bed 🙂

“Was she obedient last night and went bed as instructed?”

Yes My Master and I slept really well, thank you

“Of course

How did that make you feel?”

A little silly bc obviously I knew I needed to go to bed early, My Master

But at the same time…

“Knowing and Doing are drastically different things”

It did force me to actually do it and not just goof around and get distracted, My Master

Bc I probably would have gone to bed around 1130 on my own, My Master

And I felt cared about

By you

Bc you were paying attention to me and helping me take better care of your Property, My Master

“Cum, My Pathetic Property”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“My Property to Use”

Yes, My Master, use, abuse, shape, punish, reward

As you have already begun, My Master

I wonder if it will be even better in person

It’s going to be intense, My Master

I can’t wait

“You will be much better at begging in person, my fuck toy”

I have no doubt that I will be motivated to beg as I have never been before, My Master

Bc no one has ever treated me the way that you do

And no one else is allowed to, My Wolf

But you may push me to the limit

I am yours, My Lord

Influence, Dominance, Control

So insidious are your ways, My Master. Even your tenderness has an edge hiding in it somewhere…this week you ever so subtly expanded your control over me. I’m such a visual person; in my mind when I give over something to your control it’s like a soft grey blanket that creeps over the landscape of my life, slowly covering more and more under your influence. Warm and quiet and soft in those areas of my life under that blanket, because I no longer have to try so hard there. In those parts of my life I can rest now. You will decide and tell me what to do. All I have to do is listen and obey. It feels so good and yet, it frightens me at times, how I keep falling deeper into submission to you, how I keep welcoming it.

First you told me that you wanted me to pick up some quarter cup bras to wear when I am with you. Bras that would leave the breasts pushed up but with nipples uncovered and visible beneath my clothing. Of course, I agreed, but told you I had to wait until my bra size stabilized after my recent surgical upgrades. Then you began sending me images of women in specific outfits. Dresses that unzipped down their entire length, either in the front or the back, wrap dresses held together with a single tie, backless body suites that would have to be worn braless, low cut, surplice tops that open easily to the waist, blouses made of sheer materials, crop tops tied on by only thin straps, skin tight leather pants. Of course, I quickly realized the goals of this project and, like a good Slave, I happily found dresses and blouses online and sent them to you for your approval before purchasing them.

I am sure you know that I love this new element of being dressed like your doll. I love clothing and fashion and looking beautiful. I love feeling like an object, a treasured, decorated, OWNED object. The clothing you have picked is so provocative. I love the thought of the jealous, hateful glares of the women, who will be thinking “That Slut, she’s too old to be dressed like that; she just wants attention”. I love the thought of the men who will watch my every move with hunger in their eyes, turning their heads to watch me pass, trying to hide it from their wives and girlfriends, shifting in their seats as they notice my hard nipples pushing against the thin, light fabric of the blouse you have chosen. But most of all I love the thought of your hand on the small of my back guiding me, your amused smirk at the reaction I create, the firm grip of your hand on my wrist as you lead me, your dark eyes leaving me with only confidence that if this is how you wish me to look, then that is the right and best way, of course. That whatever beauty I have to offer is yours to claim and to display at your pleasure.

And the excitement of not knowing how you will use your Property, made so enticing and so easily exposed at your command. You might have me pinch and twist my nipples before we leave the car, to make sure they are hard and noticeable. How easily it will be to have me open my blouse and expose my breasts for you at a book store or park. You could slide one hand inside my wrap dress and stroke your FC2 while we wait in a quiet booth for a late lunch. You could unzip my dress and leave me in just heels and thigh highs in the back row of a movie theatre and force me to stay like that, open, exposed. Or force me to get on my hands and knees on the dirty floor with my dress opened so you could rest your legs for a bit. You could plug your FC3 with a hook tied to my waist and bring me to a gas station in the late hours of the night, leaving enough exposed above the waist band of my skirt that those who know about such things would understand what had been done to me and what I am. I am your Property, My Master, your three hole, fuck cunt playground. I am your Slave.

You have also discussed more permanent decoration and marking of your Slave, including a small tattoo or a piercing with tags indicating my status. I am not particularly interested in tattoos but find the idea of a piercing more intriguing. You have asked me to look up and consider a piercing of FC2 at some point in the future. Personally, I would prefer a piercing of the inner labia, which looks attractive and would not interfere with or exaggerate my sexual sensations. It would be intensely erotic for me to be tagged in such a way with your initials, the word “Slave” or “Owned” or similar. Of course, my body is not just used by you, My Master and as such, there would have to be a discussion with my husband about his thoughts and feelings about such a change. It is delicate work being so strongly connected to two such different men.

You have also begun to gently explore controlling other aspects of my life. In the past you have tried to limit how much time I spend at work, which is interesting but difficult as I don’t have a lot of control over problems which can arise at work and have to be dealt with regardless of the time. This week you gave me a firm time I needed to be off of the internet and a bedtime after a rough week of little sleep due to illness, work duties and insomnia. It did help me to have that external requirement to guide me as I am obedient to you in all things. I appreciated you checking in on how I felt about it the next morning. I felt a little demeaned and childish, a little cared for and a lot grateful for your help. As usual, your response was to claim the whole thing and tell me that henceforth, you would be giving me bedtimes on “schoolnights” to help make sure your Property wasn’t staying up too late, a habit that has given you some concern in the past. This pattern is so typical to you, My Master that I wasn’t even surprised. You often take a little bite of something, see if we like it and then, if I do, you grab the whole cake without a seconds hesitation. I love that boldness about you, My Master; I find that confidence very appealing.

A Test

I have a former lover, now friend, who I dated last fall, prior to ever meeting you, My Master. You are aware of him and knew that we continued to communicate through text. This relationship was one of my first outside of my marriage and this man became very attached to me. So much so that he admitted he had come to both “love and hate me” because he had to accept that he would never be able to fully have me as his primary partner. He is an intense and emotional person, a romantic and going through a difficult time in his personal life. He pulled back on the sexual and romantic aspects of our relationship, which I understood and accepted and we remained friends. Despite the end of quarentine, we have not met again in real life, although continue to update each other on our life events, chatting about our children, our work and our various relationships. He finds my lifestyle fascinating and struggles to understand how my husband can allow me the freedom he does. This man is aware of our relationship and that I would need approval from you to see him again, which he finds bizarre. He is vanilla, although has a dominant personality and is sexually dominant. He is one of the reasons I realized I enjoy being dominated, actually.

Over the past few months he has intermittently dropped hints about wanting to take me out again, both to see me and to have sex. He has admitted that I surprised him with my sexual energy and drive and he misses my attention, humor and affection. I have never approached you about seeing him again because I did not want to upset you or cause distress and drama in our relationship. It was not worth it to me and I have focused all my energy on proving to you my dedication and rebuilding your trust in me, My Master. I continually put him off despite him asking if I had talked to you about it and “gotten a permission slip” as he puts it. The other night he texted me late. I knew he had been drinking and was lonely and probably depressed. He was very open about my being one of the most important people in his life right now, someone he feels he can trust. He misses me and doesn’t understand why we can’t meet. I reminded him of what had happened in my relationship with you when I had taken another play partner and that I was being very careful. He offered to just meet as friends, reassuring me that he could control himself. And that is true, My Master, he has excellent self control when he wants to.

So I have finally approached you about it and you were surprised that I had delayed it for so long. I explained that I had done so because at times I find your reactions to my outside relationships unpredictable. It’s very important to me that I not do anything, even accidentally, that upsets you or takes us backwards in terms of the trust and repair we have made in the past several months. Especially as we both begin getting ready to finally meet in person. You were surprised by the term “unpredictable” but that is how I feel. I have mixed messages from you about other men. You want them to look at me and desire me but at the same time you call me an attention whore and a flirt. You want me to make friends in the lifestyle but you become anxious that I might seduce them or disobey you. You remind me “FBNF”, “Forgiven but not Forgotten”, in reference to my past failings. Of course, I am going to be reluctant to bring you my struggles and worries about the desires and demands of other men, My Master. I don’t want to do anything that might make you uncertain or anxious about my dedication to you as your Slave.

All this has been on my mind at the same time, I felt like I was being cruel and rude to my friend. So I finally felt forced into the position of asking you for guidance about what I should do next or risk really losing this friendship. You have graciously given me permission to see him again, strictly platonically, which is fine with me. I know that you will be watching me like a hawk to ensure that I don’t slip into any inappropriate behaviors with this man and I understand and accept why. I know he won’t understand the difficulties he is putting me through, and I am sure much of our conversation when we meet again will be trying to explain to him why I kneel to you and allow these restrictions. Of course I don’t need to explain those things to myself or to you. I know to my core how much you bring to my life. The pleasure, peace, excitement, challenge and understanding that I cannot get from anyone else. You are a rare and unique man and I am so happy being your Pet, your P.S.S. I promise that I will not be tempted away from my happy place, My Master. I would rather be here at your feet than anyplace else in the world.

Weekly Update 8/24/20-8/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I know you will love to see me crawling and crying and begging you to let me cum, My Master

“Mmmmm

Begging for her Owner to use his Property”

Yes, not so pretty and polished then

“Begging to hump his foot just for a sample of her Lord”

The real me, Slave *Real Name*

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I want you so bad, My Master

This longing is terrible

“It’s lovely

Builds

Pet”

“Have you ever longed for another like this?”

Never, My Master

I have always just been in the moment and taken what I wanted

Or induced someone to take me, My Master

“And, now this situation”

It’s crazy and wonderful, My Master

“Just like sitting on command like a good mutt.

O

I mean cumming on command”

You want to hear a secret, My Master?

“Only if you want to share it”

Sometimes I get scared that as much as I hate this distance, this will be the best part

Bc this is really good

And I feel like things will get so complicated

“Is that a secret

Or

A secret fear”

A secret fear, My Master

…………………….

“Kneel”

Yes, My Master

“Back strait.

Tits out.”

“What are you?”

“Cum”

“….waiting”

I am your Property, My Master

“Who are you?”

“Cum”

I am Slave *Real Name*

“What is your purpose?

“Cum”

To serve you, My Master

“Good girl

Then let go of your fear”

Yes, My Master

“I am.

Who I am”

“Your Master

Your Owner

Your User”

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasms, My Master

“Go to bed.

Sleep and rest”

Claimed

When you say that I have always been a Slave, that I just didn’t know it, that I hadn’t met you, My Owner, yet. I sigh and roll my eyes and yet a little part of me loves it. I am a practical woman, a woman of action, decision and problem solving. I am not prone to daydreams, nor do I believe in mystical powers, eternal connections or deities of any type. The idea of belonging to you before I even knew you is a romantic one. I admit it makes me smile and think you are ridiculous and yet also I love to hear you say it.

This week you were approached again by a local Dom on Fet, seeking my assistance with his rambunctious young Sub. He had also messaged me, asking if he had gotten me in trouble by approaching me initially (he had not, of course as this was prior to putting up the announcement that all inquiries as to my potential use were to go directly to my Owner). I informed him that as an Owned Slave it was proper for him to address My Master about my use, rather than myself directly. It gave me a dirty thrill to write those words. That little cringey, subby feeling that I get when I do or say something particularly “Slave”, especially if it comes from something I am doing or chosing to do myself without your direct instruction. Enslaving myself, I guess you would say. Truly embracing my Slave nature.

For example, the other day, we had been texting after work and I told you I was going into the store to grab a few things, knowing that sometimes you give me Tasks to do there. You were surprised and pleased (perhaps?) that I had done so, pointing out that it was Slave behavior, to check if My Master wanted to use me for his amusement in my day to day life. More and more I am drawn to such behavior, My Master. It goes against all the qualities I champion as an independent, professional, highly educated woman who did not look to her father for guidance and sees her husband as her equal. It is subversive, old fashioned, traditional, something a weak willed, pathetic little girl would do, right, My Master? Look for guidance, seek help, ask for attention, offer herself to be played with. Naughty, naughty…and it turns me on like crazy.

In response to the request for permission to use your Slave by the other Dom (which I assume was denied, as I heard nothing more about it), you casually announced I should change my name on Fet. I had been humbled in the past after breaking your rules by changing my name to one reflecting my lowered status. Now I was to be claimed and recognized. You told me that my devotion was such that you felt ready to make such a change. Of course I was thrilled to be so named and symbolically exonerated (Forgiven but never Forgotten, I remember, My Master). I promise to be worthy of such a gesture, My Master. To continue to demonstrate my devotion and adoration of you through all the ways available to me now to amuse, seduce, flatter and please you and most importantly, to honor your title as my Lord and Master through my honesty, loyalty and obedience.

Gratitude for My Master

I will limit my discussion of the issues occurring in my marriage right now out of respect for privacy but I do want to acknowledge that over the past week I have experienced some challenges in this important relationship. Initially I attributed these to a reaction to my growing identity as a Slave and the coming changes in the next few months as we will be finally together, My Master. But after a lot of communication, I now know that the situation is more personal and complex than that. In the process of working through these issues, I appreciate your support, My Master. Your reminders to stay true to my own path and honor my needs were respectful and needed. In the process of working on my other relationship, I realized how much help and guidance you have given me over the past six months and how much work, time and commitment that takes. It is a major undertaking and one for which I will always be grateful to you, My Lord. You are my first Master and you have shaped me immensely, much for the better, in my opinion.

You have opened my mind to many new sexual ideas and kinks that before felt too scary or gross to acknowledge my interest. You have gently banished prudery and helped me process shame. You have pushed my limits time and time again (and I know that this is only the tip of the iceberg!). You have taken the time and mental energy to build an intense psychological connection between us, so that I, despite my independence and personal authority, look to you now in times of uncertainty. You have inspired me with your experience and knowledge and I have handed over control of many of my sexual behaviors to you. You have put me on my knees and taught me to serve, both physically and mentally. More and more you are also showing me some tenderness, concern for my health, my sleep, my self care. You gave me a Mantra to focus me during this time and that was very meaningful to me.

In my conversation with my partner, I actually said out loud, “I am so lucky, because I have *Your Real Name* to help me”. I am a lucky girl because everyday I get to be your Pathetic Slut Slave.

Personal Health Mantra

It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!

MY whole self Needs are equally important.

I will work in union with those I love to find solutions that respect my needs and desires.

Weekly Update 8/16/20-8/23/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Whattttttttt are you?”

Your Property, My Master

“Check your email”

(New Mantras for Identify, Loyalty and Grounding from My Master)

Thank you, My Master

I just read them all out loud to myself in the car

“And….”

I loved Grounding and Loyalty, My Master

I will need to get used to the changes you made in the Identify Mantras, My Master

They surprised me

“O”

I assure you My Master that I am not lying to you or seeking outside relationships

Other than being on the lookout for potential women for us to play with or a potential gf for you, as instructed, My Wolf

I understand from your words that is clearly a concern and I will accept these Mantras, My Master

I am on my knees for YOU

I seek attention from YOU

Yes, I tease and attract but that is just a game, My Master

It is not serious and I follow your restrictions happily

You have my heart and mind, My Master

My body is your Property

“Pet,

You are an attention slut.

And, by your own disclosure, when people flirt….

You could easily drift.”

“Yes.

It is”

“I am an Open minded Owner.

I don’t mind if my Mutt holds her own leash at times.

Review and send me SUGGESTED Modification to the mantras”

No, My Master

I will take these Mantras as they stand, My Lord

Until YOU are ready to soften them

Bc YOU believe that I am true to you

I already know it

But it will not hurt me to be reminded of the potential for weakness, My Master

“Master doesn’t want to HARM his property.

Use and abuse, sure…”

Your doubt does not harm me, My Wolf

It saddens me

It frustrates me

But I will earn your trust, My Lord

Deepening

It has been a busy week. I have struggled to start this blog entry, not sure how to tie together the many things we have been discussing and planning together, My Wolf. On a broader level, I guess that reflects how well and frequently we are communicating now. We have made great progress over the past few weeks and I feel strongly connected, more confident in my submission and even more excited about the future as I become less anxious that you will abandon me upon returning home. You have been open about your thoughts for organizing your relationships with me and others and I appreciate that transparency. You have continued to connect me with others in your life and the Lifestyle in general, having me chat on line with previous and current playmates/subs this week. I do find it challenging to understand what tone to take with these women as I don’t want to look like a fool because I don’t know the backstory of your relationship with them, nor do I want to overstep accidentally as I don’t know what your thoughts are on what their role might be in your life.

In response to some of these concerns, we spoke over the phone this week for the first time in a long time. I have recently purchased a beautiful new car and you have been helping me celebrate with various fun and kinky tasks. We talked in the car in a secluded parking lot of a local park, ironically the same one where we talked after I broke your trust with my Play Partner. That time it was raining and I wept through the entire conversation. This time it was a beautiful, hot summer night and there were no tears, but instead attention, connection, humor, trust, release, honesty and pleasure. You had me bring a wand, of course and led your Property through orgasm after orgasm, as you know so well how to do. Again and again you asked me what I am, who I am. Again and again I answered, I am your Property, I am your Slave as the pressure built, as the climax ripped through me, I yelled it, “I am YOUR SLAVE”. I am blushing and smiling now, to think of it.

Beyond the play, however, My Master, which is always excellent with you, was the sense of ease we have arrived at. I hope you felt it too. Not disrespectful, not dismissive of the dynamic between us, but I think reflecting that both of us are letting our walls down slowly and also understanding each other. The fact that we can enjoy just talking together, laughing and comfortable, that gives me great hope for the future too. We work well together outside of the purely sexual/BDSM realm and that will make some of our plans for traveling together and other adventures more pleasant for both of us. You are an intelligent, open minded and articulate man and I enjoy your company when I am seated by your side as much as when I am on my knees.

I also returned to work this week, which was surprisingly physically challenging for me after the surgery. My work is not physically difficult but mentally requires attention to detail, careful decision making, strong emotional control and leadership. While I have been up and about for some time now, I had been taking a rest in the afternoon, obviously not possible at work. I am impatient with weakness in myself and frustrated by being slower and more easily fatigued than usual. You are well aware of this tendency in myself and have been keeping a close eye on my activity level, encouraging me to rest, adapting Tasks to reduce the stress on me and chiding me gently for not getting enough sleep. You charge me with taking good care of your Property, which motivates me more than my own discomfort. Many experiences in my life have reinforced my fatigue or discomfort as being of little consequence and to be ignored in favor of getting work done and meeting the needs of others. This training, both implicit and explicitly reinforced by my profession and motherhood, has helped me be successful in life, but at the cost of not always being in tune with my own needs. And in a fucked up way, I take pride in that as well. Being such a work horse and martyr that never breaks, that cannot break without harming those that I carry, that I am responsible for.

With you I feel things are more equal. I care for you, think about you and your needs, take actions to show you my devotion and offer you my attention and thoughts when you want them. I do protect you, My Master, in my own way. In return you lift some responsibility from my shoulders by controlling my sexuality and more and more my relationships outside my marriage. The other night you told me that you are responsible for me, which made me laugh a bit to myself. That will take a long time for me to believe, My Master and require so much trust, for me to truly rest in your Ownership. Ever since I was a young girl, I have felt that there is no protection for me but the protection I provide myself. There is no God watching over me. My parents loved me but, of course, could not stop the world and its terrible and arbitrary cruelty. So I learned young that life is hard and there is no limit on how hard it can become. I am alone in it, and although others may help me, I must be strong enough to persevere and not fall apart no matter what happens next. In subspace, in the throes of overwhelming sensation and sexual oblivion, I am able to let this go and I just exist, floating and open, vulnerable and raw. You will see me then, My Master, my soul shining out of my eyes as you abuse and pleasure the flesh of your Property, more completely than most people in this world will ever know me.

Attention Whore

My new Identify Mantras emphasize your Ownership and my position as worthless, weak willed Property, as is to be expected. However, they also introduced the concept of my being an “attention seeking little girl”, a theme which has become increasingly prominent this week. I am not sure what exactly triggered this change but I have suspicions that it may be related to multiple things. I have been enjoying making playful, cute videos online which have drawn some compliments from others. I was also recently unexpectedly approached by an attractive couple I know online to participate in virtual sex play with them, sexting and watching videos of them performing sex acts for my viewing. Lastly, the dominatrix you are familiar with, whom I had introduced myself to and who indicated an interest in me, came forward with a more solid request for me to join her in a submissive role to dom several young men together.

All of this attention and pursuit has occurred under your watchful eye, My Master, and nothing has been hidden. I have followed all your instructions and restrictions and told you everything communicated between myself and others. I hope that you are able to see the attention and compliments your Property receives as tribute to you as my Owner. I am naturally an extroverted, playful, sexual person, My Master. I enjoy flirting and talking to people. I do enjoy attention and I don’t see that as some terrible or shameful flaw. I think this is one of the traits that actually draws you to me, my curiosity, energy and whole hearted engagement with the world and the people in it. Especially when I am happy and feeling good, I am quite silly and you make me feel that way everyday, My Wolf! I explained to you that you are the target audience for such content and you were surprised which made me sigh and laugh…how do you not understand this, My Master?

I decided to accept the Mantras as they are for several reasons. One, it is extremely important to me that the Mantras come as much from you as possible. I do NOT want to write my own Mantras. They are an important way for you to shape and influence my mind and it would be too easy for both of us to slip into allowing me to write them which undermines our roles. I care less that they are “perfect” and much more that they are from the mind of My Lord. As such, even when they don’t sit well with me, they are useful in that they remind me of what your concerns are, where you see my failings, what you wish me to be attentive to, even if I am less concerned. Perhaps I am over confident, My Master, and certainly, your Pathetic Slut Slave always needs humbling. It is also good for me to practice accepting what I am given by my Lord without criticism or worry about my own desires. Hence why it does me good to be put on my knees as often as you do, so I can bow my head, kiss your feet and remember my place here is not to control but to let go, follow your lead and be grateful you have chosen to put your hand upon me.

Weekly Update 8/3/20-8/9/20

Posted on by Avertas

“So 100 strokes with Satisfyer and no orgasm?”

Correct, My Master

As Instructed

“Impressed, you have earned freebies

Enjoy”

Well I told you I would be able to

…..

“Wellll..

It seems my Slave DOES have will power when it IS important.”

You are so important to me, My Master

I wish you could forgive my mistake

But I will keep trying to show you how much I regret it and improve

I’ll take my shower now if that’s ok

“Forgive, yes.

Forget, never.”

I understand

Good night, My Master

“Good night, My Treasure”

———————————————————————

Thank you, My Master

Your training is taking effect

“You have a long road ahead of you, My Cunt

Crawling.

Worshiping my body

Cumming on command at parties as you hump my foot or boot”

I am your Property and to be used as pleases you best, My Master

“Good girl”

I put myself in your power to be shaped, used, abused, pleasured but always in service to you

“And, here only a few months ago you did not even believe in Remote Control orgasms

Nor

That you were a slave”

My life has changed so much

It’s not at all what I expected

But here I am

“It is rarely what we expect it to be, My Treasure”

Even so, you draw me like a magnet, My Wolf

Anxiety about the Future; Regret about the Past

At the beginning of the week, before I had my cosmetic surgery, you had me perform one more physical Task for you, a variant of Full, which requires me to fill all your Fuck Cunts at once with dildos for a certain number of strokes, if possible concluding with an orgasm with all the cunts stuffed. This is a technically challenging task and can be unpleasant as you encourage me to practice deep throating with FC1 during it. You have been edging me aggressively for the past few weeks to improve orgasm control amongst other things. To test that control we agreed to add on an extension to the task of 100 strokes in FC3 while using the Satisfier on your clit to see if I would be able to do it without orgasming. You clearly thought I would fail, My Master, while I had complete confidence that I could do it and enjoyed being a little “sassy” to you in response to your doubts. We were texting a bit during the Task and after I announced that I had achieved the goal, I hoped you would take the opportunity to perhaps call me briefly or take over and give me some guided orgasms but you were distracted and did not. I was disappointed because I knew that after the surgery I would not be able to play with you for some time nor had you asked to play with me for weeks, but I took it in stride. I reminded myself that I was a Slave and my pleasures are dependent on my Master’s wishes and so, with no orgasm after fucking all your holes thoroughly I cleaned my toys with a dripping, unsatisfied FC2 and started getting ready to take a shower in preparation for my procedure in the morning.

While I was undressing you texted, and we had the exchange above. I was naked, plug loose in your stretched FC3, clit still aching for release, somewhat anxious and guilty about the surgery in the morning and looking at my body in its current form for the last time, wondering if I was making a mistake, wondering how painful and difficult the recovery would be, how much it would inconvenience my family, if it would be worth the money, if I was selfish and stupid for doing this. Initially, your texts caused their usual schoolgirl rush of happiness and your praise made me smile and glow with pride and pleasure. But then, as has happened so many times, you twisted my hand, that I thought you were holding so gently in your steely grip, bringing me to tears and to my knees with your keen observation of my failings. That little comment about being able to control myself when I thought it was important enough to do so, hit me like a truck. I obviously knew you were referencing my breaking of my promise to you about sex with my play partner. I gently put down the phone and melted to the floor, curled up, quietly sobbing so no one else would hear, feeling like I would never truly be free of your doubt and disdain for that error, that you would always cast that in my face, even when I thought that I had pleased you. How can I defend myself from the truth, My Master? It will always be true that I failed you and I lay open my heart to you to be lashed a thousand times, My Lord, if that gives you solace.

Did you know that you had struck me so hard, My Master? Because we mostly communicate by text, I can still hide my hurts and joys from you. You don’t see the times the phone is flung across the bed in frustration. You don’t see me kiss the screen or sigh in bliss or giggle at your joke or grimace in response to an idea for my future use. You don’t see my eyes fill with tears of regret, of confusion, of despair. I pick and choose still what picture I paint for you of myself. I send only the best selfies and the prettiest outfits. I protect myself, weakly, through these little deceits and masks, even as I continue to tumble happily down the rabbit hole of submission to you. But the time for all this will soon be drawing to an end.

Lately, we have been talking more and more about being together in real life. I have been talking with my therapist about it and everything that may or may not come to pass. I need to start talking to my husband about it at some point, although what to say to him baffles me as I barely know how to counsel myself. I am terrified for the masks to be pulled away. For you to see my true face and to look into your dark eyes and see if you will still claim me. Or if there is nothing between us and it was all words and dreams and I must armor myself again. Even now, I do not know, My Master, if you would have been pleased to see those tears from your comment hitting home, or if you would have been surprised or even concerned. It does not matter so much what your reaction would have been, My Master. The fact that I cannot predict it is what is so telling of my ignorance about you. So much about you remains a mystery and yet I cannot hold myself back from what I want to be, what I must be, WHAT I AM…Your Slave and Property.

Upgrading Property

The surgery was uneventful and strange. I was turned into a patient with a simple costume change and coddled by the jolly nurses while they filled out a thousand forms. My undesirable flesh was carefully measured, groped and marked for destruction by my beautiful surgeon who noted several flaws immediately that she casually planned to correct (my belly button was not midline and my right breast slightly larger than my left). I was reassured by a distant but capable anesthesiologist that he wouldn’t let me die when I let him breathe for me. I climbed willingly onto the surgical table, internally amused as the staff transformed me again, this time from a patient into an object needing repair, gently arranging my passive limbs and beginning to refer to me as if I was no longer there even when I still had my wits about me. But soon the good doctor unexpectedly took my hand gently in his and firmly pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply and, of course, like a good girl, I did.

I dimly recall recovery and driving home through what my husband told me later was a terrible storm. I texted you that evening and told you I was high and itchy and fine. I was wrapped tightly in bindings from my armpits to my hip bones with two clear plastic drains coming out of the bottom and the next two days I focused on sleeping, eating and enduring the usual post operative discomforts while my husband ran the household and kept me fed and hydrated. Two days after, I returned to the clinic and was unwrapped and saw my new body for the first time. While it was definitely swollen, bruised and stitched together, the APRN was pleased with the repair and even I could see the potential for a beautiful outcome in my currently somewhat macerated flesh.

You have been quite gentle with me in this period of recovery, My Master. Even before the procedure you declared that I needed to focus on rest and relieved me of being plugged, my usual Tasks and Rituals even including my morning greeting to you, which is one I have honored since very early in our relationship. You have endured my unusual dullness and lack of availability due to the surgery followed shortly by my restlessness, whining and boredom as I start to feel better and yet not well enough to return to my normal routines and service to you. You can be a patient man, My Lord. When you show your concern for your Property, it also brings me to my knees, not from Fear but from another emotion, even more dangerous and frightening to me. Thank you for your kindness to me, your Pathetic Slut Slave, while I am healing, My Wolf. You know I am eager to serve you through my beloved Rituals and challenging Tasks, be plugged again (soon!), enjoy your naughty games and share in your sexy, dirty day dreams and plans for the future.

Weekly Update 7/27/20-8/2/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Because I would hate to cut my Lamb loose

And worse lose friends over a pathetic cunt”

“Trust and Loyalty are key in my eyes”

I know this very well, My Master

I will not make a mistake, My Lord

“Do NOT test me again, Nor Tempt my friends

If I chose to loan out my cunts, I will

If not, then I will not”

I belong to you, My Wolf

I am in your hands

“I know

And your Weakness has lessened

And your Devotion has increased”

I was just typing that, My Master

The thought of hurting and shaming you like that is terrible

“Perhaps these words should be worked into a Mantra…

You wouldn’t shame me.

I would just End my relationships with all involved parties”

I understand, My Master

I would shame myself

“Consider these feelings you have

Put them to words.

And, I will spin them to my Will”

Loyalty Mantra

My Slut nature is weakness if not used in service to My Lord.

Trust, Loyalty and Obedience are key to My Master and he has trained me well.

I will not give in to weakness.

I will not shame myself.

I will not stray and cause My Wolf to leave me behind.

My actions and behavior will bring honor to him as his chosen Property.

Preparations

This week you edged me mercilessly throughout the beginning of the week. Although you were not as merciless as you could have been as you did allow me to have orgasms intermittently. I know that the intention of such edging is multifactorial. You like to keep me desperate, your FC2 aching and wet, my thoughts churning on erotic and obscene images and waiting for your permission to release. The edging also makes me more accustomed to being aroused without acting to relieve it and improves my self control and internal restraint both physically and mentally.

It becomes clear that you still do not trust your Slave to control herself in situations where I may be tempted to seduce and play with others without your permission. You have been gradually expanding my circle of contacts over the past week or so, allowing me to begin chatting with other friends of yours in the Lifestyle. I understand well the importance of behaving in such a way that I hopefully don’t annoy or overstep with your friends. I also respect that they are under no obligation to help me. I have emphasized clarifying and respecting your limits on my experiences in the Lifestyle, either with them or others.

Sometimes these limits gall me, My Master, I will admit. My husband has stated that he feels badly at times for me because my goal in opening our marriage was (partly at least) for me to explore kinky and sexy opportunities in the Lifestyle. However, instead of doing that, we all went into quarantine following which I find myself a Slave to you and no longer in a position where I am free to try new things or have adventures without your approval and permission which is challenging to obtain as I feel you prefer to oversee my introduction to new experiences yourself. Like so many things, this raises mixed feelings in me. On one hand, I like that you want to train me yourself, which is fitting and proper (as you always say) for an Owner and Master. On the other hand, sometimes I have little faith that any of that will ever come to pass, based on the many disappointments I have had trusting others, and I feel dumb for letting opportunities pass me by. I am not a patient woman and I don’t wait easily. But I am learning and I hope it is worth it. You seem most accepting of my play with other women so I have focused my energy on attempting to find a casual female partner, perhaps a sub, but that is not entirely necessary. Unfortunately, I have not been successful thus far, which is not terribly surprising as I am quite specific, picky perhaps one would say, about my partners.

In a woman I am looking for someone more petite than myself, feminine and ideally not too skinny who is reasonably intelligent, sensual and fun. She doesn’t need to be as smart as me or as kinky. I prefer if she is in another primary relationship because that takes the burden of meeting all her emotional needs off of me. I want my relationship with another woman to be playful, light and sexual. She doesn’t need to be very experienced with women, although it would be refreshing to have a girlfriend who had actually licked a pussy before. But that can be trained…This week I did have date with a woman set up but she ended up ghosting me, to my annoyance. I will keep looking however, although it is an uphill battle. Women get skittish very easily about pursuing their sexual desires in real life. They enjoy the flirting, attention and the texting but when it comes down to really making things happen, my experience is that a lot of them will disappear. I look forward to having a girlfriend again, not just for the sex but also because I miss being able to go out on dates and have fun. I know that I will not get permission to do so with male partners and it bothers me that I am stuck at home alone sometimes. However, that is part and parcel of being a Slave, being restricted from doing everything that you might do if your situation were different. The reward of my sacrifice and obedience is your continued attention and commitment to my growth and development as your submissive and the hope that future experiences in real life will be even more amazing because of the trust and connection we are developing now.

This week has been busy in preparation for a cosmetic surgery I have scheduled for early next week. This is something I have been considering for some time. As I am entering the Lifestyle and anticipate both more casual sexual partners and more public display of my body it has prompted me to move from contemplation to action. I think my body is in fairly good shape currently and I enjoy my muscular yet feminine physique. I work hard at developing my appearance through diet, exercise, grooming and dressing well and yet there are some flaws that I cannot fix without surgical correction. I have found an excellent surgeon and was surprised when I was given a relatively early surgical date to have a tummy tuck and breast lift. So this week I have been scrambling to get work coverage arranged, the necessary blood tests, mammograms, surgical clearance, payment fees etc taken care. I am not too worried about the surgery itself but the recovery is known to be quite painful and slow as it requires extensive healing. I will not be able to work, have sex or exercise, which are my favorite activities, so I anticipate a dull and irritating few weeks of surfing the internet, reading, watching TV and texting my friends. I am pleased at the promptness of the surgery though, in that it will give me more time to heal before you return to play with me and I, of course, hope that you enjoy the improvements made to your Property.

Weekly Update 7/19/20-7/26/20

Posted on by Avertas

“I just read a WONDERFUL TASK for you, Pet”

Oh boy

What do you have in mind, My Master

“Ready”

Yes, My Master

“This will test a few things”

I’m listening

“You will drink 1 gallon of water.

Wear panties.

Wait for 20-30 minutes…Until you have to pee.

I would prefer you go outside and

Then edgex3 Countdowns from 30.

On the last Countdown, you can cum at 15 and again at 0.

(You might want to bring a towel…)”

Shame

Lately I have been thinking a lot about shame. Specifically the shame that I feel not infrequently about my high sexual drive, my Slut nature, my Slave nature and my kinks and the problems these things cause for the people I love. The truth is that when I am able to indulge in these aspects of my self, it feels wonderful and true. I fall into them so naturally and easily when I allow myself to do so. The energy and the flow state I can enter is irresistible to me. I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes it feels like I am channeling the deep feminine sexual energy of the universe, raw and torrential. My partners can feel it too and they respond in a variety of ways depending on personality.

Recent events that have triggered shame in me include being rejected by my female friend after our date last week during which I disclosed that I had an open marriage and was a sub to you. She sent a cool and brief text which stated that she wanted us to remain platonic, followed by some banal, superficial conversation. Internally, I felt again the great divide between myself and the other women I know, who report that they “could never do” all the things that I do quite easily, that I love to do. This difference makes me feel like such a weirdo and a freak. I feel like I ruined that friendship by saying who I really was and sharing my true self. I always worry that once people really know me fully they will be horrified and reject me. To be frank, that’s pretty much what happened. It was so good to talk to you about it and thank you for helping me process these thoughts, My Master. It was great to be able to turn to you for emotional support and for guidance, which in the past I would have been reluctant to ask you for. I sometimes worry that you are so accustomed to kink and BDSM that you fail to realize how shocking many of the ideas and acts you take for granted still are to the vanilla world. You overstepped a few times with me early on and it pushed me away. I feel like that is what happened with my friend. Not to say that I think we ever would have ended up in a relationship, but I think there may have been less damage.

Another time I have felt shame this week was talking to a friend online who is in the Lifestyle. I was discussing my relationship with my husband and how I wish that I could be more “normal” in both my sexual drives and tastes as this would make me a better wife and partner for him. I teared up a bit as I related the struggles I have put us through as a couple that I know he would never have had to face if he had married someone else. My friend told me to celebrate what made me different from other women, to try to see it as a strength, to focus on the positive things it has brought to my marriage like more freedom and excitement for my husband compared to most men. My husband has reassured me multiple times himself that he loves me and accepts me. Maybe I just don’t love and accept myself. Because I don’t feel that way about these aspects of myself sometimes. There are times when I think about just going on some medication that would dull my drive and make me less interested in sex. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen if I keep exploring and empowering these parts of me. They can be so powerful and destructive. I can hurt people; I have hurt you and I am worried that the things I enjoy in BDSM will hurt and disgust my husband, especially as you begin to expose me to new things.

The new task you gave me this week is the first time that we have explored piss play/watersports; a kink I have been curious about. I think it is likely something I will enjoy, particularly when in combination with verbal and physical degradation/humiliation under your control. I don’t recall how I scored piss play in the initial kink assessment you had me do when you were considering me as your sub but I am guessing it was in the “interested but don’t have to have it” category. Maybe it was even lower than that; my openness to kinks and new experiences has increased significantly under your guidance, My Wolf.

As instructed that night, I drank glass after glass of water while chatting online with a Lifestyle friend who knew about the task and was amused by my first attempt. Once I started feeling impulses to use the bathroom, I slipped out of my shorts and tiptoed outside into my suburban back yard. It was late and the neighborhood was peaceful and empty. I was wearing just briefs and a Tshirt. You had instructed me to wear something fuller coverage than my usual g string panty so that I would feel the wetness more on my skin. You instructed me later that if I didn’t wet myself cumming in my panties I was to either stand with my legs together or lay down in the grass and empty my bladder, then stay there for a count of 100, “going over your mantras”. I had brought the required toys out with me for the edging and I found a dark corner of the yard and started playing with your clit, first with my fingers, then with the Satisfier, then with the Focus which creates intense and pinpoint clit stimulation. My bladder was aching and full and with the first orgasm at count fifteen I felt a small splash of urine wetting FC2 and running down my bare legs into the grass. I took a deep breath and kept going…15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8…I was moaning softy and gently moving the focus over your sensitive clit again and again in circles, so close to cumming yet riding the edge as you have trained me to do so carefully. 7-6-5-4, I felt my pelvic muscles straining to hold my bladder while at the same time want to let go completely as the orgasm began to ripple beneath the surface. 3-2-1…a gush of urine as I stood there gasping and cumming harder and harder, feeling the warm liquid soaking into my panties and dripping down my legs. I fell to my knees in the dirty, piss covered grass and felt the mosquitoes begin to bite as the last waves of the orgasm faded. I looked up at the moon and listened to the quiet night, alone in the darkness. I remembered my Mantras and whispered quietly into the warm summer air that I was Slave *real name* and that was owned by Master *real name*. That I was his Property and his Playground. That pleasure and pain was your Right. That this pathetic Cunt belonged to you, regardless if plugged, harnessed or collared.

I felt very young, mildly regressed, a little silly but not upset or distressed by the experience. I cleaned up and changed into dry clothing. I wanted to send you a picture of my wet panties and my legs all covered in the grass marks pressed into them from kneeling but I remember that you told me not to send any pictures this time, to focus on the experience and write about it for you. I laid down and felt even more like a little girl, tired out after a long day but at peace. I curled up in a ball and felt your plug in FC3, always with me, so reassuring and wished I had my wand to vibe it as you allow me to do when I want to relax. Instead I hooked a finger through the loop of the handle and wiggled it gently. If you had been there I would have liked to suck your fingers then. I looked at a picture you had sent me of yourself earlier that day. It was taken at an extremely low angle and you filled the screen, looking down, looming large, the only thing filling the world with nothing but the blue sky behind you…My Lord. I kissed the picture on my phone, laughed a little at myself and went to sleep.

I didn’t feel ashamed while doing the task, but I do anticipate shame about it as people I know are able to read about it in this post, including my husband. I know these are things that confuse and repel most people and it is very hard for me to share them outside of my relationship with you and, of course, whomever you would choose for me to engage with. This kind of task is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t know what I am capable of, but it is more than most. That makes me feel scared and like there is something wrong with me. I love it but I have doubts and trouble accepting it. I am grateful that I have you as my Owner to help me, step by step, in finding my way, showing me things slowly, enjoying and developing the very qualities I find frightening and teaching me how to better contain them so that they are less destructive. The energy you put into my training and discipline, the affection you show me when I have pleased you, the understanding you have of my needs, often better than my own, all bring me to my knees with my mind, heart and body eager to learn and open to your influence and power.

Weekly Update 7/12/20-7/19/20

Posted on by Avertas

“We are all set, love! I’m happy to see you!!”

“I am too 🙂

Thank you for setting this up

And one thing

No nonsense about me paying

Understand?

This is my treat”

“You’re silly. I’m just happy to spend time with you :)”

Good

Me too

But I don’t want to hear a word about the bill

And I’m not going to say it again”

__________________________________________

“Let me know when you arrive

Then keep up dated on the direction it’s going”

Yes, My Lord

“Good.

You will give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when you meet”

Yes, My Master

—————————————————————–

I stopped myself from kissing her mult times, My Master

“Why?”

When I took the picture I had my hand around her waist and was rubbing her

The waiter totally thought we were girlfriends 🙂

BC she told me she would be tormented with guilt if she did anything

And he couldn’t handle it

And all kinds of other nonsense

“But why didn’t you”

While staring at me with lust in her yes and letting me do whatever I want

BC I’m a good fucking person

“My pathetic weak willed Slave

is A GOOD PERSON”

Well…fine

Thank you, My Master

“The rest is on Her”

Yes, it is

I told her to tell her husband everything

A Date

A woman I know as a friend has been increasingly flirtatious. She knows I am bisexual and she has always had a submissive attitude towards me. Over the past few weeks she has fairly transparently indicated an interest in me and eventually she asked me out to dinner. I haven’t been on a date for a long time, as I only see my play partner sporadically and we do not date. I mentioned it to you and you told me that you would have a task for me that night. In my texting with this woman, I intentionally took on a dominant tone. I wanted to see how she would respond to that and also how I would feel about it. I enjoyed it very much and it felt good to be in the position of authority and control, rather than the needy, insecure feeling I often have as a Sub.

The night of the date, I texted you that I was getting ready to go and asked about the task. You told me to put in the Hush and I raised an eyebrow. However, I am ever your obedient Slave and I am always up for your kinky adventures so I complied, heavily lubing it up and replacing the nJoy which usually fills your FC3. The Hush is much less comfortable for long term wear although I have developed some tolerance for it and knew it wouldn’t be too bad. I was aroused and nervous, which is how you often make me feel, My Master. And curious, of course, to see what you were up to.

You started to give me directions about how to behave on the date. How to greet her, what to tell her about my lifestyle. I will be honest that I initially balked. The first image that sprung to my mind was that of a puppet. You have never directly controlled me in my interactions with others before and it was a new level of submission for me that was both uncomfortable and erotic. I also felt like it presumed that you would have influence and control over my relationship with this woman and/or other potential subs and I’m not sure about where my limits are with that yet. On one hand I absolutely appreciate your support and advice as an experienced Dom to help me. I am also your devoted and obedient Slave and pleased to follow your will and commands. On the other hand, I want to develop my own sub and honor whatever dynamic develops between us, which will be different, of course, than our own. I know that this conversation is premature, but it is something simmering in my mind and it will come up again as we both explore what it means for me to move outside of only the submissive role and for you to use me as a Switch.

The date was interesting. She continued to flirt, stare at me longingly and use pet names. I continued to look as hot as humanly possible, boss her gently around and generally seduce her. Which was, of course, effective. I stroked her hair, I ordered her drink, I posed provocative questions and gave genuine compliments. I made her laugh, I took her picture and rubbed the side of her body. She loved all of it. Finally I called her out and asked her to tell me how she was feeling about me. She admitted that she was very attracted to me and I was not misreading her signals. I reminded her that I was bisexual, explained that I had an open marriage and, per your request, told her that I was in the lifestyle and served a Dom. I questioned her situation and she explained that she had always thought she was strait until she started developing feelings for me and that she felt strongly that her husband would not tolerate her having a sexual relationship with me. She had not discussed it with him directly but he knew that she was interested, essentially warning her to behave while on this date. She said she would be tortured with guilt if she did something that he wouldn’t like and that he was an insecure person who wouldn’t want her to have a side relationship with a woman. I listened to her and supported her dedication and commitment to her marriage, feeling thankful that my own husband is a much braver and mature man.

This information about her husband put me in a difficult position about moving forward. I texted you updates and you gave me feedback. You also told me to turn on the Hush…and tell her that it was on. Oh, My Master. You have no idea how uncomfortable and humiliating that was. Here I am, trying to Domme and you make me admit that I have a plug buzzing in my ass (which felt incredible btw)! I tried to figure out how to casually work that into conversation, which I did on the ride home, where I had my hand on her thigh, gently circling my thumb and desperately resisting the urge to slide it higher, press it against her crotch and hear her moan. I told her about the Hush and that it was at your command and the poor thing was so overwhelmed I don’t think it even registered. I dropped her off at home and did not kiss her good night, respecting her limits, even as she paused and looked at me, wanting me to do it.

Afterwards you and I texted and I felt a little strange. I felt shame about my level of sexual need and being a “freak”. This comes up for me sometimes, as you know. It was probable triggered by comparing myself to this “normal” woman who was so innocent and simple in her life. Many times I wish I could be more like the other women around me but then I would never trade my exciting, crazy life for theirs, would I? You reassured me and you also explored with me why I had restrained myself from fully pursuing this woman after she told me about her restrictions due to her marriage. You know I have trouble with sexual boundaries. This is an area you are working to help me improve. You praised me for not taking what I could have and for being a good person. Then you made me cum so hard and so many times, sitting in the dark car on the side of the road as you turned the Hush higher and higher until I was trembling with need and FC2 was soaking wet, my legs wide open, moaning in pleasure, clutching my breasts.

Thank you , My Lord for such an interesting and challenging evening. You treat me so differently than anyone else I have ever met. You push me and I feel uncomfortable at times but I am feeling more and more that I can put myself in your hands and trust the experience. I still have that moment of wanting to fight for control but now I see it and I intentionally release it, bow my head and follow you.

Plugged Slave

Recently my husband and I have been discussing the impact of my being plugged on him. I have been sensitive to this since you first told me that I would remain plugged essentially at all times outside of work. My husband initially expressed little concern about it and even told me he didn’t mind it during sex. However, over time, his feeling have grown more mixed. I have been trying to get him to explain his thoughts and feelings about it to me and bringing the topic up more often to encourage him. The plug is a very important symbol of my Slave status. It is essentially my collar right now. Last night we went on a date, which he had expressed really looking forward to, although, interestingly he was too distracted by work this week to remember to get a babysitter or reservations. However we did discuss that and he apologized and confirmed he did really want to go out with me. He got a sitter set up and I found a romantic restaurant and a place for drinks afterwards down on the water.

I texted him the locations as well as telling him that I wouldn’t wear panties. This is something I don’t normally do but I thought it would be playful and sexy. He has been expressing more and more of an interest in wanting to do more kinky things with me and I am trying to introduce elements that I think would work well in our current loving and vanilla relationship. Like many men, he expresses a desire to “try anything” but it is clear to me that some of the things I have him try do not really appeal to him or excite him. Which is totally fine and valid but it is a process of trial and error to see what might excite him. Sometimes I feel disappointed when I see the confirmation that he doesn’t really enjoy a lot of the kinks that I do.

I showered and shaved my entire body and wore a sexy, short, off the shoulder dress and high heels. When I was getting ready, I considered not putting in my plug as it was a special night with my husband, but I felt that I wanted to wear it (as I always do). I found it very naughty and arousing to be both bare bottomed and with the plug in place. I bent over and looked in the mirror at your bare FC2 and the silver handle in FC3 with my long tan legs in heels and knew that view would drive most men insane. I imagined what would happen if I got a little tipsy and wasn’t careful with my legs or if I stumbled and flashed everyone. Of course, those thoughts of being exposed, humiliated and yet sexually objectified were very exciting for me. You had also been edging me aggressively all through the day and I was generally in a very sexual frame of mind.

The date was great and we had a lively, honest and deep conversation as we always do. We are wonderful companions and he is a man of intelligence, taste and humor. He also looked hot and I kept hoping he would take advantage of the situation and run his hand up under my dress and make me cum but he did not. That his not his style and sometimes I struggle to accept that. After we left the last place, having had cocktails and delicious desserts in a beautiful room full of beautiful people right on the water, I began kissing him aggresively and pulled his hands onto my ass. In the car he finally began rubbing my pussy and I was moaning and asked him what he wanted, which was to go home and have sex.

It was on the way home that he told me he was having mixed and fluctuating feelings about my wearing the plug. That it was intrusive and distracting mentally for him and he wished I had not worn it that night. He freely admitted that he had given mixed signals and I expressed understanding of why that might be. I asked specifically what I could change that would make him more comfortable with it and he said for now, just not to wear it on dates with him or, if possible, during sex, which of course I agreed. I again encouraged him to tell me directly to take it out when he wants me to. I did explain that I like to wear the plug, which surprised him as he felt it was being done out of obedience only. I again confirmed that I could take it out easily any time he requested and that it would not be a problem.

I spent a lot of time reinforcing that our marriage is precious and important and that I love him deeply and want us to continue to have an open conversation about how my participation in the lifestyle effects him. I also reinforced how deeply you respect our marriage and told him how you always take time to check on how things are going for us and never try to change or direct me in my interactions with him. He is struggling with me and my needs and I will continue to be attentive and careful. I feel guilty that as his partner I am not a better fit for him and that because he is with me he is often pushed outside his comfort zone and into challenging emotional spaces. I worry that my behaviors and sexual preferences makes him feel stressed and inadequate. He is a rare and brave man for staying with me despite what I ask of him.

Weekly Update 7/5/20-7/12/20

Posted on by Avertas

Mmmmmmm I need a hook in meeeeee

“And, a cock

Perhaps….

I will bind your arms and secure the hook together

And then tape your wand to the hook as I let you lick my feet

If you get distracted I will crop you

And if you beg nicely

I might Allow you to hump my foot until you Scream for Permission to cum

Then…”

Yes, My Master

“Cum! You pathetic weak-minded cunt

Coat my foot

Just to lick it clean”

Oh, I would cum all over your foot, My Lord

And suck my juices off your toes

“O, I know you will”

Happiness

I just read through our texts and photos from the week and it struck me what a good week this has been. I thought about just writing “I’M HAPPY” as my blog entry and signing off this week but I’m not that lazy and why should I be able to write novels when I have criticism and only a few words to describe my joy. You deserve to know all the details of contentment and satisfaction as much as when I am struggling.

When I say things are going well, I don’t mean there have been no conflicts or issues all week but we handled them well and my feelings about them are less intense. We are communicating better and I am feeling more securely attached to you than ever, My Lord. The beginning of this week was so relaxing and fun as I was off of work and you encouraged me to enjoy the time off, giving me yet another Public task, which I even advanced in by continuing to fuck FC2 even with others present (although they could not see me). I felt playful and sexy this week, naughtily plugging myself in my car in a parking lot and sending you a little video of it. Then flouncing into the restaurant in my short skirt and thong with your plug tight in FC3, smiling at the men there who were drooling over your cute slut.

Unfortunately, of course I did eventually have to return to work and it was a rough re-entry. But you kept me happy with edging tasks and allowed extra orgasms which you know always soothes and pleases your greedy Slave. That first day back from vacation, I was stressed and happy to be leaving work. I did the Grounding ritual, which I had not done for a while as I had been plugged throughout my time off. Doing the ritual was so soothing, it felt like walking into a pool of cool water. Sinking to my knees, taking your plug in FC1 and truly sucking it, in regressive bliss. Letting my mind go calm and flat as I stared in the mirror at my true reflection. Saying the words that you put in my mouth and in my mind. And finally the stretch and weight of the plug, my “new normal” as you like to remind me, grounding me to you as I gently stroked your clit.

Something you have brought up a few times this week, which I find interesting, is the idea of me “always” having been a Slave. I would like to talk to you more about that and understand your meaning. From what you have said so far, I feel like you identify the desire to be a Slave with having low self esteem and lack of confidence. While I certainly have insecurities and moments of uncertainty I don’t self identify as having major issues with either of those problems. I was raised by my parents in a conventional way and do believe on some level that I must “earn” the love and attention of others. I was never abused or neglected though, and although I do love to be degraded and humiliated, I don’t suffer from timidity or feelings of incompetence. In fact, generally I have a robust ego (some might say too much so!) and at least in situations where I feel I have mastery over something, I will advocate strongly to be the leader. Although I believe that love and attention must be “earned”, I also believe that I am good at earning them. I have always worked hard to achieve success in multiple areas of my life and I am confident that I can continue to do so, although the areas where I direct my formidable energy change and shift over time.

I believe my Slavery and service to you come from desire to let go. To not be the leader but rather to be led. To be responsible for clearly defined tasks but not to have to make the decisions. To submit, to be claimed, to feel strengthened by the limits and restrictions placed on me by another. You take me to deeper and darker recesses than I knew I even had and I can trust you to watch over me there and lead me back. You know my weaknesses and my failings. You know to keep your hand heavy on me and the collar tight and I will repay you with all my self, now your Property. To be used is my pleasure and you will use me directly and as a tool to enjoy others through my actions both at your command and that of my own filthy mind.

Weekly Update 6/29/20-7/5/20

Posted on by Avertas

Master, could I please cum

“Why, Pet?”

Your FC2 is so close, My Master

“Why?

Doesn’t she have any self control?”

You let me play with your cunt

“Of course”

Not it’s wet and aching

“I enjoy my slave on the edge”

Please let me cum, My Master

“This is where a Slave should live

Always ready to please”

Precious

It was raining and I had been walking the dog with the Lush vibrating in FC2 for 30 minutes after you had given me permission to turn it on. It was getting dark. I was desperate to cum. You ordered me to kneel in the grass and I did so in a neighbors yard where the lights were out in the house and I hoped they wouldn’t notice. When you told me to send you a picture I tried but the light was too low. I was in the process of moving to a spot under a street light when you grew impatient and called me. I didn’t have my headphones so I had to put you on speaker. I was alone and yet exposed. Kneeling in the wet grass, rain falling, mosquitos biting my flesh, My Masters loud voice degrading me where anyone who walked by could hear me being called a Slut and a Slave. A car parked about fifty feet away, casting bright light over me from their headlights and a squabbling couple got out and looked at me. But none of that mattered because you had taken over.

You just grabbed me, My Master. You snatched my mind up like a coin you wanted to flip. I can barely remember the words you said bc I fell so fast and deep into subspace. I remember your dark eyes and being told that I could not look away. I was made to cum there on my knees in public on my nice suburban street where my neighbors could see me. I remember you telling me that they would know what I was and that I was laid bare before you. The energy in your voice when you are in that space is ferocious, the force of it is irresistible. You kept me there, wet, humiliated, exposed, cumming in my panties until you were satisfied. And then you said something very special to me; you told me that I was precious to you, even though you may not always show it. I dropped my head and looked away as I thanked you. I felt like a 14 year old girl. I got off the call and slowly got up from the grass, looking around to see if anyone was watching me, reassuring my poor dog who had given up on her crazy owner at that point. I walked the rest of the way home slowly coming out of subspace, practically vibrating with happiness, a sly, satisfied smile flickering across my face as I thought of you. I composed myself before I went in the house, greeting my husband with a light tone and hiding the intensity of my feelings as I can do. But I felt so good, so safe, so connected, so proud. So happy.

This whole week you have been exploring using your Slave in the public space. Again and again you chose the Task “Public” which requires me to bring a suction cup dildo to a public bathroom and fuck one of your holes (of your choosing, of course) for a minimum of 60 seconds. Typically you allow an orgasm with this Task and photographs are required. This is a daring task and one that makes me nervous and excited. To my surprise I have no problem cumming and your FC2 is dripping wet by the time I am done. It is so naughty and fun, playful as you like to call me, to look like such a proper middle aged woman, dressed for her work in heels and hose and then secretly do something so obscene and unexpected. After I fucked FC3 in the bathroom of the pharmacy I had to do a little shopping and I could not stop the occasional giggle from escaping as I demurely wandered the aisles clenching your plug in carefully as it tried to slide out of your opened and lubed hole.

You also played with me in public in my car for the first time. I had called you after my therapy appointment and I mentioned that she was curious how you would react to the previous blog post. You began reading it while I was on the phone outloud and I cringed as you read my critical comments. Suddenly you stopped reading and told me to take off my bra and ordered me to start edging. I was in a very exposed situation, parked where people could not help but see me directly and you allowed me to move to a more discreet location. I teasingly chose the local church parking lot where you verbally degraded me while describing ways that you would like to use your Property and another Toy at the same time. The ways you would make us play with each other and service you. You had me shove more and more fingers in FC2 and pinch and rub your clit until I was begging to cum, which I did publicly and loudly at your command.

You have been amazing this week. Attentive, responsive, creative, fun and my Slave heart is enthralled by you, My Master. I feel so connected to you that I actually had a spontaneous orgasm while driving home after edging all day without an orgasm. I had been daydreaming, thinking about how you called me precious to you and how wonderful it felt to be used by you with such intensity and relish. I was scared when it happened because it was a no orgasm day and I did not have permission, but you were understanding when I explained what had happened and thought perhaps it was a sign of how highly I value your thoughts about me, which subconsciously triggered a command orgasm. I think that is likely true, My Master. Your opinion and feelings about me are extremely important to me. And, to be honest, they are quite opaque to me. I don’t know how you feel about me and that’s why it was very moving to learn that you do see me as something special in your life. Thank you for telling me that, My Wolf. I know you do see me laid bare, both physically and mentally. You know my weaknesses and try to help me correct them. You hold me to a high standard because you believe I can reach it. I am so honored by your attention, time and energy. I am honored to be your Slave, My Lord and it means the world to me that you are happy to be My Master.

Happy Birthday!

It has also been a celebratory week with your birthday and the holiday. I was so pleased that your present got to you on time and you seem to like it. I look forward to doing some naughty shopping with you at the sex store so you can chose some kinky toys to use on your Property. It was fun spending a few hours one night taking sexy pictures of your plugged Property in fishnets, heels, pigtails, tutus, thongs, cuffs, body suits, garter belts and a wide variety of sexy poses, then sending them to you throughout the day on your birthday. I hope they pleased and amused you, My Master. This is a special birthday and I know you are going to go through big changes this year. I am hopeful that my service is helpful to you and that you come through this challenging year stronger, wiser and excited about your future. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad you came into my life. Happy Birthday, My Lord and Master!