The alarm went off and I started to cum before I even recognized what was happening, My Master
“LOL”
Very programmed kind of feeling
Strange and a little disturbing and erotic, My Master
“I am sure it was a bit more than a little disturbing”
Yes, it gave me pause, My Master
Those are the most dangerous games we play, My Lord
“O”
Letting you control and influence my mind so heavily
“Letting me?
Or….
Am I providing you the Freedom to explore different depths of things?”
I freely serve you, My Master
I am letting you help me explore the depths, My Master
I couldn’t be here without your help
It is entirely consensual and deeply appreciated, My Wolf
But there are moments my heart sinks, realizing how deep I really am
How vulnerable I am
“Cum
Your heart sinks….
Or your heart races with the fear of hurt I am capable of wrecking”
Thank you for the orgasm, My Master
I am a survivor, My Master
I am not afraid
But I know that I can be hurt badly now
If that is how things go, My Master….
“Cum
Why does your heart sink?”
Thank you for the orgasm, My Master
When I realize I have entered a deeper level of submission to you, it tends to bring on anxiety bc of how I still feel like I don’t really know you, My Master
This is followed by resignation and acceptance that it doesn’t matter
Bc I am owned by you regardless
“Thank you, My Pet
Yes
You are
How does that make you feel?”
It’s kind of this “Oh, shit” moment, My Master
Like, well, this just got more serious, AGAIN
“Lol, I have been exposing you to more of my friends”
I just suck at not submitting to you, My Master
I should really try to hold back
Wait until we meet
Wait until things are more clear
“Cum”
Thank you for the orgasm, My Master
But I can’t stop
“Strong, I bet”
Mmmm, yes, you can feel it too, My Master
We’re connected, My Master
I don’t know how or why
Bullet points of Brutal Honesty
My husband and I celebrated our anniversary. It was weird but the dinner was great. He’s trying really hard but neither of us know what is going to happen in this marriage and that makes me sad. It’s not your fault.
You continue to seem preoccupied with me bringing you another female sub which makes me worried that you don’t actually really want to fuck me, you just see me as a conduit to having threesomes. I have had this problem in the past when men find out I am bisexual. They suddenly think it is impossible for me to be jealous or feel threatened by other women because I must just find them attractive, like a dude, right? That is not the case. I do like other women and I want to fuck some of them. That doesn’t mean I suddenly only want to have threesomes with the men I care about or have no problems with them telling me how hot other women are or how much they would enjoy fucking these other women. I know those things are true, of course. I also think other men are hot and want to fuck them. I don’t constantly tell the men I care about these thoughts because it would hurt them and make them feel insecure. Even as a bisexual, it just gets hard to hear about it almost exclusively because I start to feel like I am disappearing and the man’s attention and interest is diverted from connecting with and sexually engaging with me as an individual. I understand that is complicated and confusing because I do want to have threesomes and group sex and I like women. Essentially, I really enjoy threesomes. I don’t want a relationship that is only about threesomes. I need to feel like the man wants to have sex with “just me” too.
I mentioned having a fantasy about an attractive young coworker (female) and you are frequently bringing it up now as if it will actually become a reality. I don’t know if you are just enjoying the fantasy of it or you really think I would seduce a young female coworker, who has given no indication of being interested in women or being kinky. This makes me nervous about your judgement and ability to help me maintain healthy and safe boundaries at work around my sexual behaviors. But I’m scared to ask you if you really are serious about it because I think you will find me boring and unadventurous if I do. Or maybe you are just fantasizing and I’m reading too much into it…I don’t know.
We are training me to cum when you tell me in response to an alarm, using voice suggestion/commands which has been fairly successful. I find this both enjoyable and disturbing as it bothers me how dependent and automatically responsive I have become to your presence and commands. You are extremely important to me; much of my day revolves around you and Tasks I do for you. When it doesn’t I feel bored and restless. When I don’t hear from you I start to wonder what you are doing, who you are talking to and I have to remind myself I have no claim on you or your time. You spend a lot of time and energy on me. I feel like I am too needy.
I told you not to call me “it”, partly because I strongly identify with femininity right now and I prefer to be “she/her”….but also because I know another slave of yours likes being called “it” and I don’t want you to blur us together in your mind. Also, I feel that I am superior to her, which is elitist of me but true.
I spent more time with your friend, which I enjoyed very much, and he told me that no matter what happens between you and I, that he wants to stay my friend. That made me nervous because I feel like your friends like me but don’t think it will work out between us for some reason. I worry that I’m too different from your other subs, that I’m not the “right” kind of sub because I am a switch and bisexual and married and older and COMPLICATED. I tried to get more information out of him about you but he wouldn’t say much that I didn’t already know from my own experiences with you. You also have acknowledged that I am different from your previous submissive, which I appreciate you admitting but also I worry that I am too different and you won’t like me.
You sent me a lovely message describing me as your rock and thanking me for my devotion to you. I was touched that you shared such recognition of my dedication to you and this dynamic. I also felt like there was no mention of actually wanting me on a personal level however, which was troubling to me. I told my friend “I would prefer that he was obsessed with my beauty and sex appeal and couldn’t wait to strip me naked and fuck me into oblivion but I guess I’ll take helpful and healthy (meh)”. My friend double dared me to send that to you and I actually did but got scared and unsent it before you saw it because I was so happy that you shared any of your feelings about me and I didn’t want to discourage you from doing it again by being critical. I do worry that you don’t really find me sexually attractive even though you value my intellect, dedication and emotional support.
In summary I have used the words worried, disturbed, insecure, anxious, needy and scared multiple times in this post. Boy, aren’t long distance relationships fun, My Master. I also have been touched, aroused, challenged, amused, flattered and reassured by you this week. Please don’t take my brutal honesty here as being critical of you. I’m sorry that I can’t be more light hearted about things right now. I want you here very badly. I want you to come to me and claim me and make this all real. I know when you get here and I am able to be with you I will finally be at peace at your feet. It gets so hard to keep waiting, My Lord, but I do. I wait and I wait for you.