Tag: owned

Weekly Update 8/16/20-8/23/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Whattttttttt are you?”

Your Property, My Master

“Check your email”

(New Mantras for Identify, Loyalty and Grounding from My Master)

Thank you, My Master

I just read them all out loud to myself in the car

“And….”

I loved Grounding and Loyalty, My Master

I will need to get used to the changes you made in the Identify Mantras, My Master

They surprised me

“O”

I assure you My Master that I am not lying to you or seeking outside relationships

Other than being on the lookout for potential women for us to play with or a potential gf for you, as instructed, My Wolf

I understand from your words that is clearly a concern and I will accept these Mantras, My Master

I am on my knees for YOU

I seek attention from YOU

Yes, I tease and attract but that is just a game, My Master

It is not serious and I follow your restrictions happily

You have my heart and mind, My Master

My body is your Property

“Pet,

You are an attention slut.

And, by your own disclosure, when people flirt….

You could easily drift.”

“Yes.

It is”

“I am an Open minded Owner.

I don’t mind if my Mutt holds her own leash at times.

Review and send me SUGGESTED Modification to the mantras”

No, My Master

I will take these Mantras as they stand, My Lord

Until YOU are ready to soften them

Bc YOU believe that I am true to you

I already know it

But it will not hurt me to be reminded of the potential for weakness, My Master

“Master doesn’t want to HARM his property.

Use and abuse, sure…”

Your doubt does not harm me, My Wolf

It saddens me

It frustrates me

But I will earn your trust, My Lord

Deepening

It has been a busy week. I have struggled to start this blog entry, not sure how to tie together the many things we have been discussing and planning together, My Wolf. On a broader level, I guess that reflects how well and frequently we are communicating now. We have made great progress over the past few weeks and I feel strongly connected, more confident in my submission and even more excited about the future as I become less anxious that you will abandon me upon returning home. You have been open about your thoughts for organizing your relationships with me and others and I appreciate that transparency. You have continued to connect me with others in your life and the Lifestyle in general, having me chat on line with previous and current playmates/subs this week. I do find it challenging to understand what tone to take with these women as I don’t want to look like a fool because I don’t know the backstory of your relationship with them, nor do I want to overstep accidentally as I don’t know what your thoughts are on what their role might be in your life.

In response to some of these concerns, we spoke over the phone this week for the first time in a long time. I have recently purchased a beautiful new car and you have been helping me celebrate with various fun and kinky tasks. We talked in the car in a secluded parking lot of a local park, ironically the same one where we talked after I broke your trust with my Play Partner. That time it was raining and I wept through the entire conversation. This time it was a beautiful, hot summer night and there were no tears, but instead attention, connection, humor, trust, release, honesty and pleasure. You had me bring a wand, of course and led your Property through orgasm after orgasm, as you know so well how to do. Again and again you asked me what I am, who I am. Again and again I answered, I am your Property, I am your Slave as the pressure built, as the climax ripped through me, I yelled it, “I am YOUR SLAVE”. I am blushing and smiling now, to think of it.

Beyond the play, however, My Master, which is always excellent with you, was the sense of ease we have arrived at. I hope you felt it too. Not disrespectful, not dismissive of the dynamic between us, but I think reflecting that both of us are letting our walls down slowly and also understanding each other. The fact that we can enjoy just talking together, laughing and comfortable, that gives me great hope for the future too. We work well together outside of the purely sexual/BDSM realm and that will make some of our plans for traveling together and other adventures more pleasant for both of us. You are an intelligent, open minded and articulate man and I enjoy your company when I am seated by your side as much as when I am on my knees.

I also returned to work this week, which was surprisingly physically challenging for me after the surgery. My work is not physically difficult but mentally requires attention to detail, careful decision making, strong emotional control and leadership. While I have been up and about for some time now, I had been taking a rest in the afternoon, obviously not possible at work. I am impatient with weakness in myself and frustrated by being slower and more easily fatigued than usual. You are well aware of this tendency in myself and have been keeping a close eye on my activity level, encouraging me to rest, adapting Tasks to reduce the stress on me and chiding me gently for not getting enough sleep. You charge me with taking good care of your Property, which motivates me more than my own discomfort. Many experiences in my life have reinforced my fatigue or discomfort as being of little consequence and to be ignored in favor of getting work done and meeting the needs of others. This training, both implicit and explicitly reinforced by my profession and motherhood, has helped me be successful in life, but at the cost of not always being in tune with my own needs. And in a fucked up way, I take pride in that as well. Being such a work horse and martyr that never breaks, that cannot break without harming those that I carry, that I am responsible for.

With you I feel things are more equal. I care for you, think about you and your needs, take actions to show you my devotion and offer you my attention and thoughts when you want them. I do protect you, My Master, in my own way. In return you lift some responsibility from my shoulders by controlling my sexuality and more and more my relationships outside my marriage. The other night you told me that you are responsible for me, which made me laugh a bit to myself. That will take a long time for me to believe, My Master and require so much trust, for me to truly rest in your Ownership. Ever since I was a young girl, I have felt that there is no protection for me but the protection I provide myself. There is no God watching over me. My parents loved me but, of course, could not stop the world and its terrible and arbitrary cruelty. So I learned young that life is hard and there is no limit on how hard it can become. I am alone in it, and although others may help me, I must be strong enough to persevere and not fall apart no matter what happens next. In subspace, in the throes of overwhelming sensation and sexual oblivion, I am able to let this go and I just exist, floating and open, vulnerable and raw. You will see me then, My Master, my soul shining out of my eyes as you abuse and pleasure the flesh of your Property, more completely than most people in this world will ever know me.

Attention Whore

My new Identify Mantras emphasize your Ownership and my position as worthless, weak willed Property, as is to be expected. However, they also introduced the concept of my being an “attention seeking little girl”, a theme which has become increasingly prominent this week. I am not sure what exactly triggered this change but I have suspicions that it may be related to multiple things. I have been enjoying making playful, cute videos online which have drawn some compliments from others. I was also recently unexpectedly approached by an attractive couple I know online to participate in virtual sex play with them, sexting and watching videos of them performing sex acts for my viewing. Lastly, the dominatrix you are familiar with, whom I had introduced myself to and who indicated an interest in me, came forward with a more solid request for me to join her in a submissive role to dom several young men together.

All of this attention and pursuit has occurred under your watchful eye, My Master, and nothing has been hidden. I have followed all your instructions and restrictions and told you everything communicated between myself and others. I hope that you are able to see the attention and compliments your Property receives as tribute to you as my Owner. I am naturally an extroverted, playful, sexual person, My Master. I enjoy flirting and talking to people. I do enjoy attention and I don’t see that as some terrible or shameful flaw. I think this is one of the traits that actually draws you to me, my curiosity, energy and whole hearted engagement with the world and the people in it. Especially when I am happy and feeling good, I am quite silly and you make me feel that way everyday, My Wolf! I explained to you that you are the target audience for such content and you were surprised which made me sigh and laugh…how do you not understand this, My Master?

I decided to accept the Mantras as they are for several reasons. One, it is extremely important to me that the Mantras come as much from you as possible. I do NOT want to write my own Mantras. They are an important way for you to shape and influence my mind and it would be too easy for both of us to slip into allowing me to write them which undermines our roles. I care less that they are “perfect” and much more that they are from the mind of My Lord. As such, even when they don’t sit well with me, they are useful in that they remind me of what your concerns are, where you see my failings, what you wish me to be attentive to, even if I am less concerned. Perhaps I am over confident, My Master, and certainly, your Pathetic Slut Slave always needs humbling. It is also good for me to practice accepting what I am given by my Lord without criticism or worry about my own desires. Hence why it does me good to be put on my knees as often as you do, so I can bow my head, kiss your feet and remember my place here is not to control but to let go, follow your lead and be grateful you have chosen to put your hand upon me.

Weekly Update 6/29/20-7/5/20

Posted on by Avertas

Master, could I please cum

“Why, Pet?”

Your FC2 is so close, My Master

“Why?

Doesn’t she have any self control?”

You let me play with your cunt

“Of course”

Not it’s wet and aching

“I enjoy my slave on the edge”

Please let me cum, My Master

“This is where a Slave should live

Always ready to please”

Precious

It was raining and I had been walking the dog with the Lush vibrating in FC2 for 30 minutes after you had given me permission to turn it on. It was getting dark. I was desperate to cum. You ordered me to kneel in the grass and I did so in a neighbors yard where the lights were out in the house and I hoped they wouldn’t notice. When you told me to send you a picture I tried but the light was too low. I was in the process of moving to a spot under a street light when you grew impatient and called me. I didn’t have my headphones so I had to put you on speaker. I was alone and yet exposed. Kneeling in the wet grass, rain falling, mosquitos biting my flesh, My Masters loud voice degrading me where anyone who walked by could hear me being called a Slut and a Slave. A car parked about fifty feet away, casting bright light over me from their headlights and a squabbling couple got out and looked at me. But none of that mattered because you had taken over.

You just grabbed me, My Master. You snatched my mind up like a coin you wanted to flip. I can barely remember the words you said bc I fell so fast and deep into subspace. I remember your dark eyes and being told that I could not look away. I was made to cum there on my knees in public on my nice suburban street where my neighbors could see me. I remember you telling me that they would know what I was and that I was laid bare before you. The energy in your voice when you are in that space is ferocious, the force of it is irresistible. You kept me there, wet, humiliated, exposed, cumming in my panties until you were satisfied. And then you said something very special to me; you told me that I was precious to you, even though you may not always show it. I dropped my head and looked away as I thanked you. I felt like a 14 year old girl. I got off the call and slowly got up from the grass, looking around to see if anyone was watching me, reassuring my poor dog who had given up on her crazy owner at that point. I walked the rest of the way home slowly coming out of subspace, practically vibrating with happiness, a sly, satisfied smile flickering across my face as I thought of you. I composed myself before I went in the house, greeting my husband with a light tone and hiding the intensity of my feelings as I can do. But I felt so good, so safe, so connected, so proud. So happy.

This whole week you have been exploring using your Slave in the public space. Again and again you chose the Task “Public” which requires me to bring a suction cup dildo to a public bathroom and fuck one of your holes (of your choosing, of course) for a minimum of 60 seconds. Typically you allow an orgasm with this Task and photographs are required. This is a daring task and one that makes me nervous and excited. To my surprise I have no problem cumming and your FC2 is dripping wet by the time I am done. It is so naughty and fun, playful as you like to call me, to look like such a proper middle aged woman, dressed for her work in heels and hose and then secretly do something so obscene and unexpected. After I fucked FC3 in the bathroom of the pharmacy I had to do a little shopping and I could not stop the occasional giggle from escaping as I demurely wandered the aisles clenching your plug in carefully as it tried to slide out of your opened and lubed hole.

You also played with me in public in my car for the first time. I had called you after my therapy appointment and I mentioned that she was curious how you would react to the previous blog post. You began reading it while I was on the phone outloud and I cringed as you read my critical comments. Suddenly you stopped reading and told me to take off my bra and ordered me to start edging. I was in a very exposed situation, parked where people could not help but see me directly and you allowed me to move to a more discreet location. I teasingly chose the local church parking lot where you verbally degraded me while describing ways that you would like to use your Property and another Toy at the same time. The ways you would make us play with each other and service you. You had me shove more and more fingers in FC2 and pinch and rub your clit until I was begging to cum, which I did publicly and loudly at your command.

You have been amazing this week. Attentive, responsive, creative, fun and my Slave heart is enthralled by you, My Master. I feel so connected to you that I actually had a spontaneous orgasm while driving home after edging all day without an orgasm. I had been daydreaming, thinking about how you called me precious to you and how wonderful it felt to be used by you with such intensity and relish. I was scared when it happened because it was a no orgasm day and I did not have permission, but you were understanding when I explained what had happened and thought perhaps it was a sign of how highly I value your thoughts about me, which subconsciously triggered a command orgasm. I think that is likely true, My Master. Your opinion and feelings about me are extremely important to me. And, to be honest, they are quite opaque to me. I don’t know how you feel about me and that’s why it was very moving to learn that you do see me as something special in your life. Thank you for telling me that, My Wolf. I know you do see me laid bare, both physically and mentally. You know my weaknesses and try to help me correct them. You hold me to a high standard because you believe I can reach it. I am so honored by your attention, time and energy. I am honored to be your Slave, My Lord and it means the world to me that you are happy to be My Master.

Happy Birthday!

It has also been a celebratory week with your birthday and the holiday. I was so pleased that your present got to you on time and you seem to like it. I look forward to doing some naughty shopping with you at the sex store so you can chose some kinky toys to use on your Property. It was fun spending a few hours one night taking sexy pictures of your plugged Property in fishnets, heels, pigtails, tutus, thongs, cuffs, body suits, garter belts and a wide variety of sexy poses, then sending them to you throughout the day on your birthday. I hope they pleased and amused you, My Master. This is a special birthday and I know you are going to go through big changes this year. I am hopeful that my service is helpful to you and that you come through this challenging year stronger, wiser and excited about your future. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad you came into my life. Happy Birthday, My Lord and Master!

Weekly Update 4/27/20-5/3/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Look in your review mirror

Stare into your eyes”

Yes, My Master

“Repeat, I am my Master’s Slave. His Property.

He is Respectful of my Limits.

I am his 3 Hole Fuck Slave

Repeat that 10 times, slowly”

Yes, My Master

I have done it my Master

“Is your mind at rest?”

Yes, My Master

Very calm

Hush

I had recently been feeling a little annoyed about a minor thing but I brought it up with you this week. You had me purchase two remote controlled vibrators, delivered several weeks ago and we have not really played with them much. You do like shopping and having lots of options for your creative and devious mind and I am happy to indulge My Master. However, these were somewhat expensive toys and they were sitting in my toy box barely used. I began to think about maybe using them with other lovers so I at least had some experiences with them if you were not interested. I brought this up with you and you took it into consideration. Generally you have asked me to reserve “our” toys from play with my husband and others. I understand and respect this limit. You decided that I could use the Lush (vaginal egg vibrator) with others but that the Hush (butt plug vibrator) was just for us.

This conversation led to you requesting me to be ready to use the Hush one morning before work. You have noticed how much I enjoy the juxtaposition of completing submissive tasks around the edges of my professional work schedule. You had me replace the Njoy with the Hush and once I got to work, you started buzzing it. I was ordered to find a bathroom, but the one I wanted to use was frustratingly occupied for a suspiciously long time. We joked that perhaps someone else was doing a service ritual in there. You kept the Hush buzzing while I wandered about the busy hallways, clacking my heels loudly to cover the possible faint sound of buzzing. Finally I found a private bathroom.

You quickly had me on my knees with my pants pulled down, following your instructions to edge your clit for thirty seconds, then enjoying making me beg to be granted another 30 seconds to play with it. Then you had me pull out the Hush, allowed me to wash it quickly and ordered me to put it in my mouth. It is longer than the Njoy and awkward to have in the mouth. As soon as I sent you the requested pic of it in FH1 you ordered me to cum, which I did, with my head leaning against the cold edge of the sink, your pussy aching, knees on the hard tile, half gagging on the warm butt plug in my mouth which you were still vibrating, making me drool. You reminded me that I was a nasty, plug sucker and when I asked to take it out of my mouth you asked me what I was. Which was (and is) your drooling Pathetic Slut Slave and your Property, of course. After which you ordered me to cum again. And then you asked me to look in the mirror and tell you what else I was. My thoughts at looking at myself in the mirror were so mixed, My Master. I felt strangely proud, of course excited by the risk and the novelty of the experience, flattered and pleased by your attention and creativity, concerned and anxious that I had chosen to get into situation like this. But mostly I fucking loved this outrageous situation and being your slave and doing crazy, fun, sexy things. I was beautifully dressed for work with full make up and heels and I was kneeling in a public bathroom, pants down, body harness in place with a vibrating butt plug in my mouth. I texted you back that I was a crazy motherfucker and you laughed and said “aren’t we all”. Then you reminded me that I’m also a pathetic ass plug sucker and made me cum yet again. Finally you released your slave to work.

The next time we played with the Hush you wanted to start before I went to work. I did request, and was granted, the ability to turn the Hush off while saying goodbye to my family for the day. You had me set it to respond to noise and as I did my makeup and hair I played Spotify playlists and felt the vibrations changing in your ass with each song. I absolutely love the physical sensation and found it so pleasurable I asked your permission to cum. As I had been obedient with my no orgasm day previous I had three “freebie” orgasms available and you told me I could do as I wished with them. I ended up fucking FH2 on the bathroom floor with my suction cup dildo while fingering your clit and with the Hush buzzing in your ass. It felt so fucking fantastic I blew through two of my three orgasms before I even left the house.

That morning I actually stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts to get a coffee and kept the Hush going, smiling sweetly at the lady giving me change; amused at her having no idea your pussy was dripping wet from the sex toy buzzing away inside FH3. The drive to work felt lovely with the Hush buzzing away in tune with the radio. When I pulled into the parking lot you asked me how much time I had left before I had to go into work. You took over control of the Hush at that point and also direct control of me. You had me repeat the above “Mantra” in the first quote out loud to myself ten times while you stimulated your slave’s hole and my colleagues walked past my car sitting in the lot. The look in my own eyes was surprisingly calm, proud and accepting as I repeated that I was your property and your three hole fuck slave. Initially I felt kind of stupid talking to myself but that quickly faded as I felt my mind sinking into a submissive state as I echoed your chosen words. You then had me imagine myself on a leash while I strolled around the block with the Hush buzzing and you reinforced my position as your property, reminding me to stand tall and own my role. You then had me cum standing in the parking lot while a strange man loaded a truck about thirty feet away. I tried to pretend I was looking at my phone while FH3 buzzed and your pussy clenched and dripped at your command. I loved every minute of it.

Playtimes

I enjoyed doing my tasks, both daily edgings and no orgasm days as well as my two more complicated tasks, fucking your Slave’s ass with dildo while doing 120 Squats and “Motherhood”, the task involving edging, mild breast pain with clothespins and ending again with fucking FH3 with clit stim until orgasm. I enjoyed that so much this week that I actually squirted, something rare for me. Saturday night you kindly granted my request for a more extended play session. You told me all the many things I needed, primarily a LOT of dildos and clothespins.

You chose to do voice only and it was so nice hearing your voice again for longer than a brief audio clip. I had changed into a purple crotchless, open cup teddy and lit candles. I had set myself up with towels, sex toys, lube and a large mirror to watch myself. It was a good session, with continued exploring of clothespins and adding more pain with them on the breasts and for the first time on your pussy (which was stuffed with the Lush and a dildo at the time). I did get some time in subspace, right after the first time you ordered me to cum. There was also a level of humor, intimacy and familiarity between us in this session that was pleasing to me. I do feel that you have opened up to me more and are letting me get to know you, sharing some of the things that are happening in your life and respectfully asking for my thoughts on them. This added warmth and connection in our relationship is welcomed and appreciated. You spent a lot of time and energy on me as well and that was deeply appreciated, My Master.

RG

I have decided to use initials for the other men and women in my life when I talk about them in this blog, My Master. You had suggested perhaps I should start a second blog about my “Slut” adventures but other than my dread of having to write even more diary entries I also want to keep my BDSM and other non monogamous sexual experiences less fractured. I consider all of this part of my sexual journey. I think it’s interesting that you suggested I write about them separately, perhaps an unconscious desire on your part to keep a boundary between your relationship with me as your Slave and my experiences and adventures outside of my time with you. But if this body is truly your Property, My Master then you must be at peace with allowing it to be pleasured in your absence. You must grant me that permission to explore and enjoy sex with another man, a dominant man. I don’t think that is easy for you, although you have not forbidden it. My husband is easier because you know our dynamic and our love is not a threat to you. But perhaps this new lover is.

We’re to meet this week and he seems quite interested in me, although he can blow hot and cold at times. Our relationship has been explicitly sexual since the beginning and I won’t lie to you My Master, I do want to have sex with him. I don’t know how much to tell you about it all. I don’t want you to give me too many restrictions, to sabotage this budding relationship with strange demands. But I do want to show you respect, to honor my bond and my obligations to you as your Property, to reassure you that you own me, mind, body and more and more, heart. I want you to feel confident that you can let your Slut play with her toys, mechanical and human, with impunity, just like you grant me freebie orgasms, to keep my hunger slated temporarily, until you can satisfy me completely yourself.

Weekly Update 4/5/20-4/12/20

Posted on by Avertas

I will replug myself before I leave work if you wish, My Sir

It is not my place to do so without your permission

“My, my

My slut is sinking deeper into her slavehood

Yes, your owner wishes his Property is Plugged until further notice

Exceptions: when at work, when your husband requests it removed, medical reasons”

Ooooh boy

Yes, My Master

Connection

You replugged your ass, your FH3, which honestly it feels like you have fucked it at this point although you have never laid a finger on me in real life. I know you wondered if I felt better, felt closer to you, felt “grounded” as you say. Yes, that is true, which is embarrassing to admit to bc it seems like such a weird, gross way to feel connected to someone. When you asked me to stay plugged almost all the time outside of work I was not surprised. I had been waiting for that request for some time. I smiled and then I frowned, because it is a big request and it was very like you to launch it at me so casually. Hey, Slut, wear this butt plug for the forseeable future because I want you to. It bothers me a bit that you didn’t really acknowledge that it was a major act of service for me to accept. Maybe you don’t realize I see it that way. The crazy thing is that I did want to be told to do this, but still saying yes to that request felt like a big step.

It made me remember earlier in the relationship when you mentioned something about me wearing your plug 24/7 and at that time I reacted very negatively and with shock and scorn, really. Of course at the time I had no experience with plugs designed for long term wear but I don’t think that would have made much of difference in my feelings at the time. I remember being angry and that I would never humiliate myself like that. Obviously things keep changing. I keep changing. And that can be a scary. You told me this week that an image (frightened woman being held down by the neck with a leash and collar near a dog bowl while a man threatens her with a closed fist) was rated by me as a 2/5 in the past for initial appeal and this week I rated it 5/5. I have become so more aware of what I want and what arouses me, better understanding my kinks and open to new kinds since our relationship began.

Overall I think that is a good thing and exactly the sort of experience a new sub wants from his or her Dom. I do start to wonder where it will end. You once told me about watching a woman at a sex party get fucked by anyone who wanted her. And internally I was squirming because I have always had fantasies about being used by multiple men but the thought of actually living out that fantasy is scary. But if my mind can change about images and ideas then it can change about actions too. I guess it gets down to identity and values and “morals” and all kinds of deep messages we have all received our entire lives about sexuality and shame. It both troubles and excites me that I no longer know where I would draw the line because I am constantly redrawing them with you.

Who are you?

You had dropped hints in the past about wanting me to send you gifts as you are currently far away, isolated, bored and doing a difficult job. I am not a particularly good gift giver and I am busy so I conveniently ignored that until recently when you not so subtly told me to send you gifts. I felt guilty for neglecting you. So I went to one of the few stores still open and bought some treats and things for you. I would have like to go to the porn store and get you something naughty because I know you would have enjoyed that even more but I couldn’t due to the quarantine having closed almost all the stores.

It was strange buying you things because it really made it clear how little I know about you as a person. Our relationship is so artificial and we are limited in so many ways. It was a good opportunity for me to learn a little bit more about you and to just joke around with you a bit, which I enjoy. I still don’t really know if you like that. I feel like you are resistant to developing a friendship with me and I don’t know why. Of course, because I don’t think very highly of myself, my first thought is that you don’t really like my personality and find me annoying. Then I think maybe you just have firm boundaries with your subs and prefer to keep it very formal and just BDSM. Which I will accept although I think I would prefer a Dom who could make space for there to be casual, friendly connection as well. Then I think maybe you’re intimidated by ME and worry that you are hiding behind the BSDM roles and titles and rules etc so that I won’t know you as a person. Because then I can’t reject you as a person either. You have gone through several relationships ending in the past and this one is challenging and new, perhaps you are also keeping yourself safe.

Failures

We have had several fun and spontaneous sexual playdates this week and I enjoyed them so much and appreciate your creativity and skill in arousing and satisfying me both physically and mentally. But we have also had some failures and this has shown areas where we perhaps have different goals. For me, sexual pleasure and orgasm are an important driver of my participation in BDSM and our relationship as well. This week I have had some trouble orgasming with your instruction, mostly because of communication issues. I feel like we are always rushed and have no privacy, which is true because both of us work full time and have “roommates” with little control over the environment sometimes. I guess I need to be more patient but I am a greedy girl, especially when it comes to pleasure.

We had a spontaneous playdate in the basement when I was working out. You had told me I was going to get to play with FH3 later that night, sending me a picture of a woman fucking her ass with a dildo. I was excited and when I went down to workout I brought my suction cup dildo with me, hoping you would text me and maybe we could play. You did and had me strip naked and set up my workout bench so I could fuck myself on the dildo while looking in the mirror. You also watched me on video call which is something we had not done before.

This was not a particularly successful BDSM experience for me despite my being very excited about it and a lot of things happened that I enjoyed. I feel reluctant right now to talk about it because I don’t want to seem critical and I know how hard it is to top, especially long distance and on short notice. The signs of problems for me were that I was unable to feel that dreamy, subby, brainless feeling that I love from a BSDM scene and I wasn’t able to orgasm while I was with you despite a lot of anal and clit stim which I love and usually would be successful. I have been thinking about it and I also discussed it with a friend.

First the environment was difficult because my husband was upstairs and unaware that I was doing anything sexual much less buck naked fucking myself in the ass and pinching my clit in front of a giant mirror. I couldn’t secure the door so I just had to pray that he didn’t walk in on me, which wasn’t exactly relaxing. I could have told him that I needed privacy but I didn’t feel like having a long conversation explaining what I was doing and then having to process all his opinions and feelings about it later. So I just decided to risk getting walked in on and deal with the fall out if it happened. Secondly, I was insecure about my body because this was our first time doing video chat for sex and the lighting is atrocious in the basement, like department store changing room overhead flourescent and I did not feel pretty or sexy at all. Third, you didn’t have me lube up my dildo again at any point and it started to get uncomfortable and I felt stupid stopping you so I could do that although at one point I finally had to. Fourth, its hard for me to cum standing up because I lose control of my body when I orgasm hard and I will fall down. All of these are small things but combined it made the situation less comfortable and I was distracted and having a hard time getting into the right mindset.

The most important problem to my mind though is that you have recently been pursuing a line of thought about degrading me that doesn’t “work” for me. You were talking about me being ashamed of myself and making me look at myself in the mirror but I didn’t feel ashamed at all. I thought I looked pretty fucking hot taking that thick dildo up your FH3. You were contrasting my persona in the outside world, which is quite polished and confident and contrasting it with the image in the mirror, a naked woman pleasuring herself in an obscene way at the bidding of a strange man. But the thing is I feel like I am embracing that woman now and I value her.

In the moment it felt rude to stop you or say anything and I was definitely enjoying myself but I couldn’t help thinking that if you knew me better you would have known that some of the things you were saying were not going to work, because they are not true about me. I internally rolled my eyes and giggled when you used the term “prim and proper”, which no one would ever say about me as I strut around in high heels, make my friends laugh by twerking, drop the F bomb at work and have a darkly sarcastic sense of humor. Almost everyone who knows me would say that I am bold, funny, sexual and assertive. So this made me feel again like you don’t really know me as a person. The BDSM I like is personal in nature; you can’t successfully humiliate people with random statements. The key needs to fit the lock.

My friend advised me to talk to you about this and feels that in general we should talk more rather than just text about BDSM. So I requested and you granted me a chance to talk on video chat without playing. I feel like I’m forcing this communication on you. You agreed to a “meeting” once a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t like to force people to talk to me. I guess recently I am feeling the desire to connect with you as a person and as my Master. What do you get out of this? You never talk to me about these blogs you ordered me to write other than to tell me I’m somehow not doing them right. You never tell me if you are sexually aroused by our conversations or the images I send you. Do you masturbate to thoughts of our play or do you forget about it? You told me that a good submissive should be consumed by thoughts of her Master and I do think about you a lot. I’m sure it won’t be a surprise that my biggest question about you is how you feel about me.

Weekly Update 3/15/20-3/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Why is my Toy, “often angry”?

Cuz shit pisses me off, of course, My Sir

And then I get over it and move on

“Shit”

“What sort of Shit, Princess?”

Stupid men, stupid work, stupid me

“Ok”

“Which do you have control over, J–?”

I don’t really know how to organize this. I think you want a sort of detailed account of everything but there is just so much that is happening in every sphere of my life right now it all blurs together. My brain doesn’t really focus on the past. I am a creature of the present and the moment I care about is the one that comes next. This is not necessarily a strength.

This week I got mad at you. Work and my personal life have been intensely stressful as the world slowly crumbles a bit and I’m in a position to have to respond to that actively rather than run away and hide like most people. Which I like. I want to help and to be part of the rescue although I am anxious just like everyone else. You felt a bit distant and seemed busy or that was my perception anyway. Maybe I was just more needy and was projecting. Probably, since I hate to admit being needy and would much rather blame the other person for not being available. I feel vulnerable when I am needy. I much prefer to rely on myself than others.

Part of feeling neglected was that you weren’t plugging me very much. One day it seemed like all you were talking to me about was finding you other chicks to fuck with. I am bisexual and I am very open to fucking other women, both on my own or with men. The problem I have had, and it’s been in almost every single relationship other than the one with my husband, is that the man gets so damn focused on the excitement of me being willing to do a threesome that they start to ignore me and my feelings about it. I don’t take well to being ignored. I yelled at you on text and you handled it well. But I still feel my emotions on this topic are valid. I just didn’t want to keep arguing with you about it. Once I make a judgement based on my own experience, it is hard to convince me I am wrong. But I get bored with arguments that seem like a waste of time and will simply bow to another in order to move on. I was texting with a friend who I deeply trust about our fight and he helped me a lot, just validating and reassuring me that you had not lost interest in me.

Later that night you told me that you had left me unplugged on purpose, presumable to force me to feel that lack of connection to you and how much I missed it. And, of course, I did and that trick worked. I had considered that it was intentional already. I don’t actually know if I believe that it was but maybe. It feels manipulative, honestly, particularly as this is a really difficult time for me. I know that is part of my training as your submissive. I don’t know how supportive to expect you to be. How interested you are in my day to day life and problems and how I am handling them. It fluctuates. This is a strange, new relationship for me. You’re not my boyfriend or really even my lover. You’re my Dom. I don’t know how you define that relationship. You knew I was having a challenging week and yet you decided to add stress by reducing our connection to make a point to me about my dependency on you. The point was made successfully, but the timing wasn’t ideal. But then again, perhaps doing this during a time of stress (and really there is no end in sight for that) just amplified my reaction and in the long run deepened my submission to you.

Another thing that happened this week is that I continued my conversation with my husband about you, his limits and my being plugged. All of which was good and confirms that we have a strong relationship and he is an amazing person who is so radical in loving me enough to give me freedom to explore this relationship with you. I feel very thankful for him and his acceptance and understanding, which always feels like a gift. I find it hard to talk to him about this part of me but it is getting easier as I keep doing it and he doesn’t reject me.

We fucked me with your plug in my ass for the first time. He knew it was there, since he felt it when he pushed up against my ass in bed in the morning. You had asked me to remain plugged all night after our disagreement and I was happy to do so. Its odd, texting you with your plug heavy in my ass and feeling him reach over to snuggle me in the morning. Feeling pulled in different directions and like I’m doing something wrong sometimes. The sex was good and I came twice, enjoying the feeling of him in my pussy and your plug in my ass. I didn’t know if I should bring it up with him before we started but I didn’t want to ruin the moment and I figured, he knew it was there and was initiating it so… Afterwards, I was still sitting on his cock and I took his hand and pulled it around my ass, making him physically feel the steel handle of the plug. “How do you feel about this?” And he told me it wasn’t that big of a deal, either physically during sex or psychologically for him. I really hope that is true. I will keep asking him and be open to his feedback and comfort with this. He is not that interested in using my ass, so maybe that helps.

Yesterday the phone sex was wonderful. Hearing your voice made me so happy. I know you want my “inner thoughts” but I have a hard time remembering when I go into subspace. Really I am not thinking anymore in that place. I get to stop. That is such a joy. You told me that the plug is grounding me to you and that every time I feel it I will feel grounded to you. And I do feel it. I heard your voice in my mind later in the day repeating those words and it was strange and frightening and wonderful. I could hear my own voice change yesterday when you put me into that dark, dreamy space, begging you without even a scrap of shame left, nothing holding me back, reveling in calling you My Master. Sex is the doorway to submission for me.

At the end of the call, I said goodbye and I used your real name. It just fell out of my mouth. The interesting thing is I had an immediate stabbing fear that you heard me. I almost clapped my hand over my mouth, like a little girl who swears in front of her parents. You ended the call without giving me a punishment or reacting and I didn’t know if you had chosen to ignore it or didn’t hear me. I kept thinking about that fear. How obedient I have become, pathetic as we say. Because you are not even here to beat me! I would have to beat myself, as you have made me do and I would completely accept that punishment and inflict it without hesitation. Hence my fear is a manifestation of my level of submission. That just makes me feel like a crazy person and worried that I have given you so much power. Writing about it now though, I recognize that the power is GIVEN. I would accept the punishment because it is fair and I agreed to this relationship and your rules.

I brought this whole event to your attention and you considered it and offered that I told you because I am becoming your slave and I know that you want my honesty. You asked me to consider why it happened before you would forgive me. I think it happened because we ended the call quickly and I was still coming up from subspace and just starting to feel normal again. My brain scrambling for a foothold and using your real name rather than My Master was just a quick way to reassure myself, “We’re equals, this is just a game I am choosing to play”. An unconscious defense, rebuilding the walls. It was a surprise then, but it makes total sense to me now. It was not intentional insolence or disrespect and I do hope you accept that and forgive me.

Slave

Posted on by Avertas

March 7th, 2020

I am enjoying talking with you, learning from you and yes,

being under your control at times with my agreement

You said last night that when I was talking and engaged with you directly that I was owned by you

Including my body and the experiences of my body

And I both agreed to and enjoyed that immensely

This is one of the hard things to admit to.  Because it would shock everyone to know, everyone who knows me in “the real world”, as if this isn’t real.  You began so slyly with this, I see now how you have been preparing and I did see it coming.  I even told my friend that you were going to ask to be called Master soon.  I could feel it. 

During sex, during chats, you became increasingly more clear in your language of ownership.  When I went to meet another Dom, it was clear you were unhappy despite allowing it because you understood why I wanted to explore that option.   I can’t forget you telling me, firmly, strongly, as I was on the cusp of cumming that you put your collar around my neck. Telling me to feel it there.  Because I was owned.  Not just my clit and my holes, which I gave you relatively easily, but my whole person.  That was the most subbed out you have made me yet, after that orgasm, after that abuse.  I was floating, my mind scrubbed clean.  I felt like a child, drowsy and safe. 

So…I have let you be master and I have fallen into the pit.  Oh I want to be here and that is the most confusing part of all.  You say it is natural to me.  That it is the counterweight to all the power and responsibility of the rest of my life.  That you are just responding to me.  That I want to be the slave.

The thing is my feelings are so fluid and sometimes I am horrified by this, by what I am, by what I am doing.  Where does this end?  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I stop?  I don’t even want to stop.  Stopping is the last thing I want.  Is this an addiction?  A friend, who knows a little about this relationship, looked frightened when I told her about this, when I nervously laughed and said “slave”.  Asked me if this was a good idea, if I was safe.  I don’t know what to tell her.   It’s not safe or normal to be a slave.  Sometimes it scares me and sometimes it pleases me immensely and I even feel proud to be your slave.  It is easy though.  If I let it be, if I don’t fight against it, it is so easy to obey, to kneel, to open, to suck, to endure.  I still don’t know what that means or how to live with it.