Tag: poly

Weekly Update 10/5/20-10/11/20

Posted on by Avertas

The alarm went off and I started to cum before I even recognized what was happening, My Master

“LOL”

Very programmed kind of feeling

Strange and a little disturbing and erotic, My Master

“I am sure it was a bit more than a little disturbing”

Yes, it gave me pause, My Master

Those are the most dangerous games we play, My Lord

“O”

Letting you control and influence my mind so heavily

“Letting me?

Or….

Am I providing you the Freedom to explore different depths of things?”

I freely serve you, My Master

I am letting you help me explore the depths, My Master

I couldn’t be here without your help

It is entirely consensual and deeply appreciated, My Wolf

But there are moments my heart sinks, realizing how deep I really am

How vulnerable I am

“Cum

Your heart sinks….

Or your heart races with the fear of hurt I am capable of wrecking”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I am a survivor, My Master

I am not afraid

But I know that I can be hurt badly now

If that is how things go, My Master….

“Cum

Why does your heart sink?”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

When I realize I have entered a deeper level of submission to you, it tends to bring on anxiety bc of how I still feel like I don’t really know you, My Master

This is followed by resignation and acceptance that it doesn’t matter

Bc I am owned by you regardless

“Thank you, My Pet

Yes

You are

How does that make you feel?”

It’s kind of this “Oh, shit” moment, My Master

Like, well, this just got more serious, AGAIN

“Lol, I have been exposing you to more of my friends”

I just suck at not submitting to you, My Master

I should really try to hold back

Wait until we meet

Wait until things are more clear

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

But I can’t stop

“Strong, I bet”

Mmmm, yes, you can feel it too, My Master

We’re connected, My Master

I don’t know how or why

Bullet points of Brutal Honesty

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary. It was weird but the dinner was great. He’s trying really hard but neither of us know what is going to happen in this marriage and that makes me sad. It’s not your fault.

You continue to seem preoccupied with me bringing you another female sub which makes me worried that you don’t actually really want to fuck me, you just see me as a conduit to having threesomes. I have had this problem in the past when men find out I am bisexual. They suddenly think it is impossible for me to be jealous or feel threatened by other women because I must just find them attractive, like a dude, right? That is not the case. I do like other women and I want to fuck some of them. That doesn’t mean I suddenly only want to have threesomes with the men I care about or have no problems with them telling me how hot other women are or how much they would enjoy fucking these other women. I know those things are true, of course. I also think other men are hot and want to fuck them. I don’t constantly tell the men I care about these thoughts because it would hurt them and make them feel insecure. Even as a bisexual, it just gets hard to hear about it almost exclusively because I start to feel like I am disappearing and the man’s attention and interest is diverted from connecting with and sexually engaging with me as an individual. I understand that is complicated and confusing because I do want to have threesomes and group sex and I like women. Essentially, I really enjoy threesomes. I don’t want a relationship that is only about threesomes. I need to feel like the man wants to have sex with “just me” too.

I mentioned having a fantasy about an attractive young coworker (female) and you are frequently bringing it up now as if it will actually become a reality. I don’t know if you are just enjoying the fantasy of it or you really think I would seduce a young female coworker, who has given no indication of being interested in women or being kinky. This makes me nervous about your judgement and ability to help me maintain healthy and safe boundaries at work around my sexual behaviors. But I’m scared to ask you if you really are serious about it because I think you will find me boring and unadventurous if I do. Or maybe you are just fantasizing and I’m reading too much into it…I don’t know.

We are training me to cum when you tell me in response to an alarm, using voice suggestion/commands which has been fairly successful. I find this both enjoyable and disturbing as it bothers me how dependent and automatically responsive I have become to your presence and commands. You are extremely important to me; much of my day revolves around you and Tasks I do for you. When it doesn’t I feel bored and restless. When I don’t hear from you I start to wonder what you are doing, who you are talking to and I have to remind myself I have no claim on you or your time. You spend a lot of time and energy on me. I feel like I am too needy.

I told you not to call me “it”, partly because I strongly identify with femininity right now and I prefer to be “she/her”….but also because I know another slave of yours likes being called “it” and I don’t want you to blur us together in your mind. Also, I feel that I am superior to her, which is elitist of me but true.

I spent more time with your friend, which I enjoyed very much, and he told me that no matter what happens between you and I, that he wants to stay my friend. That made me nervous because I feel like your friends like me but don’t think it will work out between us for some reason. I worry that I’m too different from your other subs, that I’m not the “right” kind of sub because I am a switch and bisexual and married and older and COMPLICATED. I tried to get more information out of him about you but he wouldn’t say much that I didn’t already know from my own experiences with you. You also have acknowledged that I am different from your previous submissive, which I appreciate you admitting but also I worry that I am too different and you won’t like me.

You sent me a lovely message describing me as your rock and thanking me for my devotion to you. I was touched that you shared such recognition of my dedication to you and this dynamic. I also felt like there was no mention of actually wanting me on a personal level however, which was troubling to me. I told my friend “I would prefer that he was obsessed with my beauty and sex appeal and couldn’t wait to strip me naked and fuck me into oblivion but I guess I’ll take helpful and healthy (meh)”. My friend double dared me to send that to you and I actually did but got scared and unsent it before you saw it because I was so happy that you shared any of your feelings about me and I didn’t want to discourage you from doing it again by being critical. I do worry that you don’t really find me sexually attractive even though you value my intellect, dedication and emotional support.

In summary I have used the words worried, disturbed, insecure, anxious, needy and scared multiple times in this post. Boy, aren’t long distance relationships fun, My Master. I also have been touched, aroused, challenged, amused, flattered and reassured by you this week. Please don’t take my brutal honesty here as being critical of you. I’m sorry that I can’t be more light hearted about things right now. I want you here very badly. I want you to come to me and claim me and make this all real. I know when you get here and I am able to be with you I will finally be at peace at your feet. It gets so hard to keep waiting, My Lord, but I do. I wait and I wait for you.

Weekly Update 8/24/20-8/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I know you will love to see me crawling and crying and begging you to let me cum, My Master

“Mmmmm

Begging for her Owner to use his Property”

Yes, not so pretty and polished then

“Begging to hump his foot just for a sample of her Lord”

The real me, Slave *Real Name*

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I want you so bad, My Master

This longing is terrible

“It’s lovely

Builds

Pet”

“Have you ever longed for another like this?”

Never, My Master

I have always just been in the moment and taken what I wanted

Or induced someone to take me, My Master

“And, now this situation”

It’s crazy and wonderful, My Master

“Just like sitting on command like a good mutt.

O

I mean cumming on command”

You want to hear a secret, My Master?

“Only if you want to share it”

Sometimes I get scared that as much as I hate this distance, this will be the best part

Bc this is really good

And I feel like things will get so complicated

“Is that a secret

Or

A secret fear”

A secret fear, My Master

…………………….

“Kneel”

Yes, My Master

“Back strait.

Tits out.”

“What are you?”

“Cum”

“….waiting”

I am your Property, My Master

“Who are you?”

“Cum”

I am Slave *Real Name*

“What is your purpose?

“Cum”

To serve you, My Master

“Good girl

Then let go of your fear”

Yes, My Master

“I am.

Who I am”

“Your Master

Your Owner

Your User”

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasms, My Master

“Go to bed.

Sleep and rest”

Claimed

When you say that I have always been a Slave, that I just didn’t know it, that I hadn’t met you, My Owner, yet. I sigh and roll my eyes and yet a little part of me loves it. I am a practical woman, a woman of action, decision and problem solving. I am not prone to daydreams, nor do I believe in mystical powers, eternal connections or deities of any type. The idea of belonging to you before I even knew you is a romantic one. I admit it makes me smile and think you are ridiculous and yet also I love to hear you say it.

This week you were approached again by a local Dom on Fet, seeking my assistance with his rambunctious young Sub. He had also messaged me, asking if he had gotten me in trouble by approaching me initially (he had not, of course as this was prior to putting up the announcement that all inquiries as to my potential use were to go directly to my Owner). I informed him that as an Owned Slave it was proper for him to address My Master about my use, rather than myself directly. It gave me a dirty thrill to write those words. That little cringey, subby feeling that I get when I do or say something particularly “Slave”, especially if it comes from something I am doing or chosing to do myself without your direct instruction. Enslaving myself, I guess you would say. Truly embracing my Slave nature.

For example, the other day, we had been texting after work and I told you I was going into the store to grab a few things, knowing that sometimes you give me Tasks to do there. You were surprised and pleased (perhaps?) that I had done so, pointing out that it was Slave behavior, to check if My Master wanted to use me for his amusement in my day to day life. More and more I am drawn to such behavior, My Master. It goes against all the qualities I champion as an independent, professional, highly educated woman who did not look to her father for guidance and sees her husband as her equal. It is subversive, old fashioned, traditional, something a weak willed, pathetic little girl would do, right, My Master? Look for guidance, seek help, ask for attention, offer herself to be played with. Naughty, naughty…and it turns me on like crazy.

In response to the request for permission to use your Slave by the other Dom (which I assume was denied, as I heard nothing more about it), you casually announced I should change my name on Fet. I had been humbled in the past after breaking your rules by changing my name to one reflecting my lowered status. Now I was to be claimed and recognized. You told me that my devotion was such that you felt ready to make such a change. Of course I was thrilled to be so named and symbolically exonerated (Forgiven but never Forgotten, I remember, My Master). I promise to be worthy of such a gesture, My Master. To continue to demonstrate my devotion and adoration of you through all the ways available to me now to amuse, seduce, flatter and please you and most importantly, to honor your title as my Lord and Master through my honesty, loyalty and obedience.

Gratitude for My Master

I will limit my discussion of the issues occurring in my marriage right now out of respect for privacy but I do want to acknowledge that over the past week I have experienced some challenges in this important relationship. Initially I attributed these to a reaction to my growing identity as a Slave and the coming changes in the next few months as we will be finally together, My Master. But after a lot of communication, I now know that the situation is more personal and complex than that. In the process of working through these issues, I appreciate your support, My Master. Your reminders to stay true to my own path and honor my needs were respectful and needed. In the process of working on my other relationship, I realized how much help and guidance you have given me over the past six months and how much work, time and commitment that takes. It is a major undertaking and one for which I will always be grateful to you, My Lord. You are my first Master and you have shaped me immensely, much for the better, in my opinion.

You have opened my mind to many new sexual ideas and kinks that before felt too scary or gross to acknowledge my interest. You have gently banished prudery and helped me process shame. You have pushed my limits time and time again (and I know that this is only the tip of the iceberg!). You have taken the time and mental energy to build an intense psychological connection between us, so that I, despite my independence and personal authority, look to you now in times of uncertainty. You have inspired me with your experience and knowledge and I have handed over control of many of my sexual behaviors to you. You have put me on my knees and taught me to serve, both physically and mentally. More and more you are also showing me some tenderness, concern for my health, my sleep, my self care. You gave me a Mantra to focus me during this time and that was very meaningful to me.

In my conversation with my partner, I actually said out loud, “I am so lucky, because I have *Your Real Name* to help me”. I am a lucky girl because everyday I get to be your Pathetic Slut Slave.

Personal Health Mantra

It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!

MY whole self Needs are equally important.

I will work in union with those I love to find solutions that respect my needs and desires.

Weekly Update 7/19/20-7/26/20

Posted on by Avertas

“I just read a WONDERFUL TASK for you, Pet”

Oh boy

What do you have in mind, My Master

“Ready”

Yes, My Master

“This will test a few things”

I’m listening

“You will drink 1 gallon of water.

Wear panties.

Wait for 20-30 minutes…Until you have to pee.

I would prefer you go outside and

Then edgex3 Countdowns from 30.

On the last Countdown, you can cum at 15 and again at 0.

(You might want to bring a towel…)”

Shame

Lately I have been thinking a lot about shame. Specifically the shame that I feel not infrequently about my high sexual drive, my Slut nature, my Slave nature and my kinks and the problems these things cause for the people I love. The truth is that when I am able to indulge in these aspects of my self, it feels wonderful and true. I fall into them so naturally and easily when I allow myself to do so. The energy and the flow state I can enter is irresistible to me. I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes it feels like I am channeling the deep feminine sexual energy of the universe, raw and torrential. My partners can feel it too and they respond in a variety of ways depending on personality.

Recent events that have triggered shame in me include being rejected by my female friend after our date last week during which I disclosed that I had an open marriage and was a sub to you. She sent a cool and brief text which stated that she wanted us to remain platonic, followed by some banal, superficial conversation. Internally, I felt again the great divide between myself and the other women I know, who report that they “could never do” all the things that I do quite easily, that I love to do. This difference makes me feel like such a weirdo and a freak. I feel like I ruined that friendship by saying who I really was and sharing my true self. I always worry that once people really know me fully they will be horrified and reject me. To be frank, that’s pretty much what happened. It was so good to talk to you about it and thank you for helping me process these thoughts, My Master. It was great to be able to turn to you for emotional support and for guidance, which in the past I would have been reluctant to ask you for. I sometimes worry that you are so accustomed to kink and BDSM that you fail to realize how shocking many of the ideas and acts you take for granted still are to the vanilla world. You overstepped a few times with me early on and it pushed me away. I feel like that is what happened with my friend. Not to say that I think we ever would have ended up in a relationship, but I think there may have been less damage.

Another time I have felt shame this week was talking to a friend online who is in the Lifestyle. I was discussing my relationship with my husband and how I wish that I could be more “normal” in both my sexual drives and tastes as this would make me a better wife and partner for him. I teared up a bit as I related the struggles I have put us through as a couple that I know he would never have had to face if he had married someone else. My friend told me to celebrate what made me different from other women, to try to see it as a strength, to focus on the positive things it has brought to my marriage like more freedom and excitement for my husband compared to most men. My husband has reassured me multiple times himself that he loves me and accepts me. Maybe I just don’t love and accept myself. Because I don’t feel that way about these aspects of myself sometimes. There are times when I think about just going on some medication that would dull my drive and make me less interested in sex. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen if I keep exploring and empowering these parts of me. They can be so powerful and destructive. I can hurt people; I have hurt you and I am worried that the things I enjoy in BDSM will hurt and disgust my husband, especially as you begin to expose me to new things.

The new task you gave me this week is the first time that we have explored piss play/watersports; a kink I have been curious about. I think it is likely something I will enjoy, particularly when in combination with verbal and physical degradation/humiliation under your control. I don’t recall how I scored piss play in the initial kink assessment you had me do when you were considering me as your sub but I am guessing it was in the “interested but don’t have to have it” category. Maybe it was even lower than that; my openness to kinks and new experiences has increased significantly under your guidance, My Wolf.

As instructed that night, I drank glass after glass of water while chatting online with a Lifestyle friend who knew about the task and was amused by my first attempt. Once I started feeling impulses to use the bathroom, I slipped out of my shorts and tiptoed outside into my suburban back yard. It was late and the neighborhood was peaceful and empty. I was wearing just briefs and a Tshirt. You had instructed me to wear something fuller coverage than my usual g string panty so that I would feel the wetness more on my skin. You instructed me later that if I didn’t wet myself cumming in my panties I was to either stand with my legs together or lay down in the grass and empty my bladder, then stay there for a count of 100, “going over your mantras”. I had brought the required toys out with me for the edging and I found a dark corner of the yard and started playing with your clit, first with my fingers, then with the Satisfier, then with the Focus which creates intense and pinpoint clit stimulation. My bladder was aching and full and with the first orgasm at count fifteen I felt a small splash of urine wetting FC2 and running down my bare legs into the grass. I took a deep breath and kept going…15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8…I was moaning softy and gently moving the focus over your sensitive clit again and again in circles, so close to cumming yet riding the edge as you have trained me to do so carefully. 7-6-5-4, I felt my pelvic muscles straining to hold my bladder while at the same time want to let go completely as the orgasm began to ripple beneath the surface. 3-2-1…a gush of urine as I stood there gasping and cumming harder and harder, feeling the warm liquid soaking into my panties and dripping down my legs. I fell to my knees in the dirty, piss covered grass and felt the mosquitoes begin to bite as the last waves of the orgasm faded. I looked up at the moon and listened to the quiet night, alone in the darkness. I remembered my Mantras and whispered quietly into the warm summer air that I was Slave *real name* and that was owned by Master *real name*. That I was his Property and his Playground. That pleasure and pain was your Right. That this pathetic Cunt belonged to you, regardless if plugged, harnessed or collared.

I felt very young, mildly regressed, a little silly but not upset or distressed by the experience. I cleaned up and changed into dry clothing. I wanted to send you a picture of my wet panties and my legs all covered in the grass marks pressed into them from kneeling but I remember that you told me not to send any pictures this time, to focus on the experience and write about it for you. I laid down and felt even more like a little girl, tired out after a long day but at peace. I curled up in a ball and felt your plug in FC3, always with me, so reassuring and wished I had my wand to vibe it as you allow me to do when I want to relax. Instead I hooked a finger through the loop of the handle and wiggled it gently. If you had been there I would have liked to suck your fingers then. I looked at a picture you had sent me of yourself earlier that day. It was taken at an extremely low angle and you filled the screen, looking down, looming large, the only thing filling the world with nothing but the blue sky behind you…My Lord. I kissed the picture on my phone, laughed a little at myself and went to sleep.

I didn’t feel ashamed while doing the task, but I do anticipate shame about it as people I know are able to read about it in this post, including my husband. I know these are things that confuse and repel most people and it is very hard for me to share them outside of my relationship with you and, of course, whomever you would choose for me to engage with. This kind of task is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t know what I am capable of, but it is more than most. That makes me feel scared and like there is something wrong with me. I love it but I have doubts and trouble accepting it. I am grateful that I have you as my Owner to help me, step by step, in finding my way, showing me things slowly, enjoying and developing the very qualities I find frightening and teaching me how to better contain them so that they are less destructive. The energy you put into my training and discipline, the affection you show me when I have pleased you, the understanding you have of my needs, often better than my own, all bring me to my knees with my mind, heart and body eager to learn and open to your influence and power.

Weekly Update 6/22/20-6/28/20

Posted on by Avertas

I realize I have been very submissive and although that has been enjoyable to me it perhaps has not been the healthiest for our relationship over all

Honestly this past week, although I have not been feeling much like your slave, I do feel like you are more responsive to me and our dynamic is more interesting to you

My friend keeps screaming at me to let the alpha out but I have been reluctant to do so

I am worried that you will perceive this as disrespectful which is not my intention

I thank you for being open about your thoughts on our dynamic

I find that very helpful in understanding what is going on between us

(Conversation with friend in the Lifestyle)

Good, he admits he’s been isolating

Understands why I’m feeling less connected and less submissive

I mean, really I am going to him for so little now

I don’t go to him for sex

I don’t go to him for advice

I don’t go to him for support

So if he’s not acting as my Dom it’s really hard for me to be enthusiastic about acting as his sub

He’s very good at creative, kinky tasks and when he talks to me he’s amazing

But that’s not enough for the level of submission we have established in this relationship

He has the experience and the quality to be what I need

I don’t know what is holding him back

Lack of interest is what I keep coming back to

If he was truly motivated and enjoying our relationship I would not need to chase him this hard

He would want it as much as me

Shifting

I felt progressively distant and unmotivated to submit to you through the beginning of the week. Never before have I felt so reluctant to engage in our rituals. I almost couldn’t make myself perform “Grounding” one evening, staring at the clean plug in my hand and feeling like such a fucking idiot for debasing myself for someone who did not value or appreciate my submission. I grudgingly did it, because it is in my nature to be obedient and perform the tasks assigned to me. The mantra about how I must be attentive to your feelings stuck in my throat. Because when do YOU have to pledge to be attentive to my feelings? Doms don’t have mantras, I know, but like everyone, they do have consequences.

The consequences for us were that I pulled farther and farther away, dropping your title when I texted you, using a neutral or even sassy tone to you in conversations, stopping sending you my usual playful pictures, videos, etc, to see if you would notice. You did not notice my withdrawal which further cemented in my mind that you were not paying attention to our relationship. Finally in the context of you imagining some sexual torture of me while chatting on text, I just broke and told you that I was unhappy and feeling ignored and that I could not join you in such thoughts with any confidence or pleasure because I no longer believed that we would ever get to such a place, certainly not at the rate we’re going. You were surprised, responsive and mentioned that work had been difficult and perhaps you were isolating and communication is challenging etc etc etc.

All of these things are true, of course. True, true and unrelated as the saying goes. They were true at the start of our relationship when you had no trouble making time for me, playing with me and you relished establishing your hold on me. Because I was new and interesting and you love new relationships and the challenge of obtaining submission from an intelligent, kinky woman. But do you know how to grow my submission and maintain it past the first few months? How to connect on more than just a sexual level? Are you brave enough to let me get to know you and care about you outside of BDSM? Can you continue to support me, challenge me and deepen my submission and trust in you? Will you get distracted by the legion of other submissives begging to have the experience that I have with you. New and eager and fun puzzles to unlock for your clever, devious mind. Or some former subs returning who are familiar and flattering, coming to you as the only thing that can soothe their troubled minds and enjoying your understanding of their experience.

I get it. I really do. You are powerful, you shape people, you are truly dominant and that is rare. It is not my place to tell you how to use your time or dictate your relationships, especially relationships that have existed long before you even met me and are valuable to you and to those former subs. I know that and I accept it and I would never accept such limits as a Dom myself. It is my place, as your primary sub who is struggling right now, to be honest with you and to speak to the dynamics I see unfolding. When we started this relationship I capitulated entirely into submission. I became your slave and it was lovely, unbelievably freeing to explore an aspect of myself that I had never had the space and time to try to understand and accept. No one else ever wanted that part of me. Everyone has always wanted the strong, capable, controlling, productive, stoic aspects of my personality because they are useful to them. Those traits make me valuable. You want something else from me, something darker, more primitive and equally deeply rooted and it is intoxicating.

Unfortunately I see now that by only showing you the limited submissive aspect of myself, by limiting your exposure to my full personality and power, I have also limited our relationship. This past week, when I have been the least submissive to you, we have made the most progress in connecting as people. We have communicated passionately and sometimes heatedly about conflicts in our relationships. I have told you honestly that I am unhappy, scared, insecure and angry that you think you can take on yet more long distance relationships with submissive women (whatever label you want to put on them) when I have barely felt you have time for me, the one you claim as your owned Slave.

I give you credit, you always hear me out and respond. You do appreciate the honesty you demand, even when what you learn things you don’t like or disagree with. You do improve, at least for a period of time, in response to my feedback. My Master, you have it in you to be everything I want and need and more. I want you desperately but my need and desire is not enough. My service and submission have not been enough to hold your interest. Perhaps this shift I have made this week, to move away from being only your docile Slave and instead, remind you that I am an Alpha Submissive, will bring the energy we need to sustain us until we can be together in person. It means I will have to let go of the extreme submission that I found so compelling but if, in exchange, we have better communication, deepening engagement and you are less bored with me then it is a small price to pay.

We are doing something so difficult here. We should not be discouraged that it has not always gone smoothly. This is my first BDSM relationship, I am still floored by the intensity of it and the changes I see in myself and my life. You are trying to help me grow and develop with limited communication and privacy for both of us. We are both in multiple relationships which brings up all kinds of emotions, especially as our connection is new and insecure. We can’t touch, we can’t fuck, we can’t play the way we both wish. If we could I know so many things would be easier for me, because that is an important way that I feel connected to a person. I remind you again that any time you spend connecting with me sexually will be time well spent in terms of reducing my anxiety and neediness. We have both made mistakes and we have both forgiven and grown. I hope you keep choosing me, My Master, even though things are challenging. I hope you choose me because you want me and want this relationship, not out of duty or pride. My hope is that I am a pleasure, a relief and a joy in your difficult life, not a burden. I remain dedicated to you and gratefully in your service, My Master, even as we move together through these changes.

Weekly Update 6/1/20-6/7/20

Posted on by Avertas

I have never been a Slave before, My Master

Please take pity on me

I am bound to make mistakes

This was a big one

Please help me

Indentify Mantra
I AM A WHINY WEAK-WILLED PATHETIC SLUT. I do NOT know what I WANT. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM. I WANT TO: BE OWNED. Belong to My Master, My Lord, My Wolf. Be his Pathetic Slave Slut. But I AM: STUPID. DISOBEDIENT. Weak-willed. Whiny.

Tentative

This has been a strange week, My Master. I have put all my energy into recovering from the tumultuous events of last week when I broke your limits with my play partner and damaged your trust in my obedience and devotion to you. I had some time off this week and you have given me my new tasks. All of my new rituals and mantras feature criticism for my weak-willed, disobedient slut nature and emphasize that I could lose you if I am not careful. You have been changeable towards me this week, understandably so. At times you thaw, at other times you remain cold and distant. So I wait here in limbo, on my knees, practicing my patience. You know that is not my strength, My Master. My strengths seems to be evaporating in front of my eyes. Makes me wonder how real they ever were…

After you read the blog on Monday, I though you would soften towards me. I had laid out my counter argument beautifully, I thought. But in our text conversation you persisted in your anger at my disobedience, frustrating me with your high expectations for me and pointing out that I understood that a Slave should be obedient and that I am intelligent and well educated. Which in my experience, are fairly useless attributes when it comes to making good life decisions. With no other way to escape the heavy burden of guilt and regret I have settled into the long haul of earning back some of your faith in your useless, reckless Slave through careful obedience, continued honesty and making every effort to show you my appreciation for having you in my life.

The new tasks involve a lot of public play requiring creativity, planning extra effort, boldness and accepting some risk of discovery. I have found them interesting and challenging as I made my first efforts at them this week. These three public tasks are balanced by more private daily rituals around plugging and unplugging FC3 requiring me to kneel, look at myself in the mirror and reflect and reinforce my Slavehood and your ownership. Not suprisingly, I look forward to these daily moments very much as they make me feel close to you and at peace with myself. The most challenging task, Full, is a variant on the birthday task you made for me but you have modified it somewhat. I must fuck all three of your fuck cunts continuously for forty strokes within five minutes. Recently you added that I must lick your balls at the bottom of the stroke in FC1 which led to a great deal of spitting up and even a few strait up vomiting episodes during my last attempt at this task. I’m glad that you gave me the new tasks this week as they have given us something to work on together that is somewhat neutral and I have been able to demonstrate my service to you by completing them with enthusiasm.

My innermost feelings are mostly centered around anxiety this week as I still feel so uncertain about our bond. I feel like I am reaching, longing for you, begging you to bring your Lamb back into your care and control but I can feel your resistance to letting your guard down. That kills me, My Master and I feel so guilty and remorseful that I failed you. I don’t know what else I can do. I have been trying everything I can think of to show you how much I regret what I did. I never want to disrespect you or dishonor my Master. I want to serve you only and be worthy of your attention and use. I don’t believe in God, but I pray to you that you will forgive me whole heartedly someday once you feel that I have been adequately punished for my disobedience.

Slave Sister

Somewhat randomly I have begun communicating with one of your other subs, a woman on the other side of the world who also calls you Master. She is sweet at least on initial meeting and expresses excitement about having a Slave Sister. Immediately it was clear to me that I was alpha to her and she agreed and has spent the last few days sitting at my feet (symbolically) while I play with her hair and we chat of minor things. It has been a nice reminder of what I enjoy about having a submissive without the burden of the intense dependency and need for attention and support of truly having a committed sub. I don’t know if anything will come of it but I appreciate your permission for us to continue to explore that dynamic and the opportunity to again feel my own Dominant nature since I have been enjoying allowing myself to sink so deeply into the Submissive role with you.

I have recently been feeling an increasing interest in having a woman again. I was definitely not ready to be a domme in my last relationship with a woman and I learned a lot from that relationship, both about pitfalls in BDSM and poly. I have matched a few women on Tinder and OkCupid recently but after a few texts I’ve been shy about actually moving forward with meeting them. Women are often intense and emotional. They want another woman to be both best friends and lovers and expect lots of attention. My last girlfriend was fine with my husband but absolutely hated that I had other male lovers. I felt a lot of shame from her for my choices in my sexual and romantic relationships and it was frustrating to have to argue with her about it all the time. I guess I’m just worried that future relationships with women will be similarly demanding and distract me from serving you as a Slave which is my primary focus and goal right now. And with our recent difficulties with me taking on a play partner I have been shooing off potential connections, male or female, until things feel more settled between us.

I feel like I have already learned so much from you about how to be a good Dom. I know that time will be coming for me, when I am ready to commit to it someday, of taking my own sub, either male or female. I feel very lucky that you embrace my switch nature and are open to allowing me to explore that with your other subs under your guidance someday. I feel like that could be such a rich and exciting dynamic, personally. And even just in text and imagination I have found the idea of kneeling with another woman at your feet is exciting, especially if you let me use her as well. So many wonderful things you have brought into my life, My Master and I know you have so much more. You are the first person to ever really push my sexual limits and we have never even met! I can only imagine the incredible growth I will experience when we are together, My Lord.

Weekly Update 5/25/20-5/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

So I have my second date with *Real Name*

This Tues evening My Master

“Nothing more than a BJ and him finger banging you”

My Master

We need to talk about this

“You and *Real Name*?”

Me and *Real Name* or me and whomever, My Master

I don’t agree to you directing my every move

….

I will try it your way, My Master

And if I fail, you will punish me as I deserve

“Smart choice

I have faith you cherish me more than the dildo”

You know that is true, My Master

You are my Lord

I kneel down to you and wear your harness and your plug and soon your collar

I feel you with me in my mind and on my body, My Master

You give me something no one has every done before

“Cum, My property”

——————————————————————-

Hello, My Master

“Hello, My Treasure”

We fucked, My Master

I’m sorry

And I know I will be punished and I should be, My Master

Disaster

How lucky I am to be sitting here. Sucking a lolly in FC1, the weight of your birthday gift pressing down into your FC2, your plug snug in FC3, still flushed from the orgasms you allowed me earlier tonight. Still allowed to call your holes yours. Still able to call you My Master despite my failure to adhere to the limits I agreed to when you allowed me to meet with my first play partner since we began our relationship months ago.

The week had started off so beautifully between the two of us. You obviously had read my previous blog post and immediately shifted to a warmer tone, using pet names more often and giving me compliments. This had the effect of pouring kerosene on a smoldering fire. Whatever tincture of praise and degradation my brain needs was perfectly matched by you and I catapulted into blissful submission. Words, words, words are so powerful to me. I remember you texted me after work and I was in the parking lot of the drug store and I was describing myself using all manner of demeaning phrases in my relationship to you; Your cumdump, Your slut etc and you replied “My Lamb”. I pressed the phone against my chest and swooned. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You played with me on text with several extreme humiliation scenarios and I allowed myself to imagine submitting to such treatment and enjoying it. I contemplated and agreed to all kinds of vile acts for you, My Master, including crawl through the mud, through piss to kneel at your feet.

We felt so close that I was worried about how we would do with my second date with my play partner. I had met him on Fet and I had discussed with him that I had a Dom and a husband and was just looking for a casual and friendly, safe, sexual partner. We got along well and had good chemistry on our first meeting. I was looking forward to seeing him, yet anxious too, as so many of my attempts to date recently have been unsuccessful for one reason or another. And with quarantine it had been about four months since I had a fun sexual romp with anyone outside my marriage, when typically I have 1-2 side lovers since my husband and I opened our relationship. When I told you about the date, you immediately ordered that I could only participate in oral sex. I was unhappy as I felt this was sending mixed messages to my play partner and as I also wanted to be free to act in whatever way felt comfortable in the moment. I didn’t see any reason to wait until a later date as we had already essentially agreed to have sex, that is the main purpose of our relationship. But in that conversation you argued that I had already given you control over my sex life outside my marriage, that I was being a rebellious brat by disagreeing and that those were your orders to obey or not. When I asked what would happen if I did not obey, you told me I would of course be punished. Reluctantly I agreed to try, warning you I might fail and would then accept punishment.

I went over to his house after work, stopping to get some takeout for dinner. He had clarified earlier in the day by text if we were hanging out or if there was an option for sex. I had told him there was an opportunity for “playing around”. I did not specifically tell him beforehand that I was not allowed to have sex. Per your instructions I had taken my harness off but left your plug in FC3. We had dinner and chatted about our lives. It was an easy conversation, he was deferential and polite and I felt relaxed and confident. We were watching some Netflix when he finally leaned over and kissed me deeply. Things escalated from there and we ended up in his bedroom, where he discovered I was plugged. We were playing when he rolled over, slipped a condom on and said, “I think we should have sex”. I remember laughing nervously and saying “we’re not really supposed to do that” and then we were doing that. I didn’t stop it and I know I could have, My Master.

Once we finished, after a few quick cuddles and a little more conversation, I got dressed and left. I immediately drove to the first parking lot I could find and texted you that I had fucked him and apologized. I expected you to be disappointed in me, but also I though a part of you might have anticipated that I would have a hard time with this and be somewhat prepared for my failure. You texted back but quickly called me and that is when things got horrible. Your voice was so angry and hurt, although you denied it when I apologized. You were furious. You demanded that I block my play partner immediately, which seemed completely rude and unnecessary to me as he had never agreed to your limits and I was the one who was your slave and bound to obey you. You pointed out that I had been willing to end the relationship with him earlier if you requested and I rebuttled that now I knew he was a good fit for me and we had a pleasant relationship that I did not want to end, hence me position had changed. You became even more upset, saying that I lacked integrity and should be careful in the lifestyle because people would not want me for their sub. You threatened to end our relationship, which terrified me and I felt ashamed, scared, angry and just completely in shock at the intensity of your response.

I had been up since six am, worked all day and had just had sex for the first time with someone I barely knew. My relationship with you was imploding and I was guilty and distraught about that. I knew I still had to go home after this and process everything with my husband and be available to give him support and attention. All I had wanted to do was have a fun night of relaxing sex and it ended great damage done to my Master’s trust in me. Under so much stress, I blew up at you, saying I was tired of doing things for everyone else, that I had a very demanding life and that fun sex is something wanted for myself, something I felt I deserved and that I was angry at everyone and everything for making such a simple thing so unnecessarily difficult. You told me I sounded like a whiny teenager having a tantrum and assigned me to start therapy because you were worried about my mental health. Finally you told me I could continue to see my play partner but he was never to use FC3 and you didn’t want to hear anything ever about our relationship or what we did. At that point your hot anger had turned to ice, you obviously were filled with disgust for me. I was a total mess, physically shaking, crying and absolutely exhausted.

I drove home, talking on the phone with a close friend in the lifestyle who knows about us on the way, who provided plenty of love, support and reassurance that I was not a terrible person, that it was right for you to be so upset and that you would find a way to forgive me. My poor husband was waiting up for me and I gave him a brief sketch of my night, then apologized for being completely spent and went and took a long shower alone with my thoughts. He was concerned and supportive and affectionate with me. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep, thinking of you. I texted you another apology in the wee hours, telling you how sorry I was that I was not your perfect slave, begging you to take pity on me. I greeted you in the morning and I messaged you during the day. You didn’t even read my morning messages and I despaired.

Finally you greeted me. I immediately asked to speak to you on the phone ASAP and we set up a time to talk again. Thursday night, in the middle of rain storm I called you from my car. I asked you if you wanted to talk as Master and Slave or as our real names and you answered me “Both”, which bothers me somewhat. Your preference to keep softening that line between the power dynamic in our BSDM relationship vs. outside it. I don’t know what I am giving up by allowing that and it troubles me. However, I was not in a position to argue so I accepted your request and we began to talk. Essentially you held your position that I am a flawed individual who you now know you cannot trust to control herself sexually outside of your direct supervision which is a disappointment. You confirmed that you had also felt the intensifying feeling between us earlier in the week which made this mistake even more disruptive to our dynamic. You repeatedly told me that I had put a crack in the foundation of our relationship. When I protested that I was a new sub who was not perfect and that I needed guidance and help, that I had been clear from the beginning that I needed a sexual outlet, that I had been reluctant to accept this limitation when it was negotiated and had warned you that I might fail, that I had been completely honest about my failure and accepting of the need for punishment, you softened a tiny amount. You agreed that I had been honest and that I was trying to improve. You reminded me of how harshly you had punished me for my previous small error and explained that I should continue to expect rigorous discipline for my mistakes and failures. I wept off and on throughout our entire conversation as I realized how badly I had erred and how difficult it would be to recover your esteem and trust as your Slave. I also realized how deeply I value your opinion of me and how rarely I have let others down in my life the way I have failed you, My Master. Perhaps because you are asking things of me and pushing me to my limits in a way that no one ever has.

Since that conversation, I have poured myself into reconnecting with you and the work of repairing our relationship. I have begun searching for a kink friendly therapist. I have accepted and started practicing the wonderful new tasks you also created for me this week, some of which have mantras admitting my weak will power, uncertain identity and warnings of how I may lose my relationship with you if I am undeserving. I have changed my name on Fet to one you chose, which reflects my lowered status. I have continued to apologize, abase myself to you and have examined my behavior, both alone and in conversation with my friends and my husband. It has been a long and difficult week and I know I am not even close to being done. The reward has been your gracious gift of keeping me in your presence even as I am a worthless, flawed, out of control, impulsive Slut Slave. I am so thankful you still keep your hand upon me. You have not unplugged me (Thank you, thank you, thank you, My Lord). You are firm and merciless as you should be, in response to my mistake and you reject with scorn the parts of me that led to it but you do not reject all of me. You told me you still see potential for this Slave. I know that under your discipline and leadership I can continue to grow into the perfect obedience and submission that you deserve. I know that as an experienced Dom you can use my errors as part of my process of learning. Although this has been so painful, it has helped both of us understand me better. Perhaps you have learned something new about yourself as well, My Master. Now you have jerked the chain tight around my neck and brought me to heel. Now you see what a task you have ahead of you in training me. So eager to submit to your will up to a point and then, steely resistance and even disobedience when I am thwarted in pursuit of what I feel are my deserved rewards.

My feelings today are of great regret for my actions, sad awareness of my flaws, humility and gratitude towards you, My Lord. There are remnants of anger at myself for not listening to my own internal guidance about my limits and I will be more careful to do so in the future. There is anxiety about your expectations for me to be so perfect even as I am yet new and developing. There is worry that we will continue to struggle with my need for physical sex while you are away and that my continued engagement with my play partner will be a constant source of conflict and drama. There is guilt for not having kept my word to you and betraying your trust in me. My panic that you will completely release me from your worship and service is reduced but not resolved as I know not to become complacent nor assume that because you have allowed me to creep nearer that you have forgiven me. I have fallen and it is terrible. I long for the day when you will again freely allow me to worship you, when you can accept my devotion and obedience with an easy heart and when you can look upon your Property with pride and satisfaction at how I have developed and improved under your ownership.

Weekly Update 5/18/20-5/24/20

Posted on by Avertas

“O.

I do take your thoughts into consideration, Pet

But I make the final decision, my Slave”

Thank you, My Master

That is how I humbly prefer it

“Of course

You are a worthless pathetic slave

You need to be on your belly

You need to crawl

You need to relax”

Thank you for understanding what I need so well, My Master

It is a challenge and a pleasure to serve you, My Lord

“Of course

Feel my hand slap your face when you challenge me

Feel it push you down on your belly, then the sting of the belt across your pathetic ass”

I always feel you in my mind and on my body, My Master

Your Property lies on the ground chastened and sore, My Master

“Cum

Pathetic worthless fuck toy”

Expanding Control

As we are slowly coming out of quarantine I have resumed my search for an appropriate play partner. Before our relationship I had been looking for a Dom, a need I no longer have. My emotional needs are well taken care of by my loving and attentive husband. So really all I am looking for is a fun, sexual relationship with a reasonable guy. In the past I have found partners off of normal dating sites (Tinder/OKC) but my Fet account has been more active recently and I have had several local Dom/Bulls approach me with compliments and offers to play. The benefits to me of finding a partner in this manner is that they will presumably be more familiar with BDSM and understanding of our unique relationship, something other vanilla men might find off putting.

I messaged two of these men, both in their early 30s and labeling themselves as Bulls and both responded with interest. When I made you aware of these potential play partners you immediately told me you would need to be in contact with them before I was allowed to have any physical contact. Although this was difficult for me, I decided to embrace an opportunity to practice submitting to you, not just sexually but in terms of allowing you to control more of my sex life outside of just between you and I. This has been both an erotic and frustrating experience for me. As I enjoy sexual objectification, the idea of you negotiating the terms in which another strange man might use your holes is arousing. However, being that you are both dominant males, coming from different generations, it has also been rather amusing and annoying to watch you both butt heads and swing cocks while quietly calming each of you down from the sidelines. Finally, after several messages, screen shots and a phone call between us, I had permission to meet the Bull. He was young, calm, open minded, respectful and expressed interest in seeing me again later this week. I am pleased as he is physically attractive to me and I think he would benefit from a relationship with an older woman as well.

This week we also established and negotiated new limits on my participation in more casual online sexual relationships. As you know I like a lot of attention, praise and sex so one way I get those needs filled is through occasional very casual sexting and lewd pic exchanges on the internet. Some of these relationships are slowly deepening into true friendships as well. However, I have been feeling increasingly uneasy as some of the men I talk with are dominants and a few are clearly attempting to recruit me as their sub despite my always being clear that I am a claimed Slave. I do not disclose your identity to anyone, although I have been asked (a practice which has led other Doms to criticize you as a fuckboy, BTW). I do not send full nudes, although there is one vanilla man that I have considered doing so, again something I felt I needed your guidance on. I don’t feel that I should send pictures of your holes to other men without your knowledge and approval.

You seemed slightly amused when I brought all this to your attention but once I explained why I was feeling uncomfortable you agreed with the need for limits and we agreed on four casual sexting partners and that I could only send pictures/videos with underwear/bikini level of exposure. You also pointed out that I was giving you more power over my sexual activity outside our relationship, but as you can see from my thought process, you already had that power. This just helps me feel reassured that nothing I am doing would displease you, My Master. It has been well accepted by the men I chat with that My Master has placed these limits on me. If anything, they admire your hold on me.

Doubt

One of the Doms I had been talking to online was increasingly relentless in his pursuit this week and although I am not interested in him as my Dom and I have stopped talking to him, he did successfully identify an area of insecurity in my feelings about you which I have been discussing with two trusted friends. I am insecure about how much you actually enjoy having me as a sub and if you find my body attractive.

Where does this come from? Well, first I personally have a ton of baggage about my desirability as a woman, which you are aware of and I need a lot of reassurance about this. This is part of what feeds my praise kink. So I fully acknowledge that a lot of this is my own shit. However, that being admitted there are patterns in your behaviors and our relationship which have increased my anxiety about this…

You don’t ask for images of me and if I send them you rarely comment or praise them. For example, I sent two very explicit video clips late one night, which I imaged you enjoying if you woke during the night, as I know you sometimes do. In the morning you never mentioned them or expressed any enjoyment in receiving them until I asked, which was a disappointment as I had hoped you would like them. I have no idea if this is an intentional “Dom” behavior to show that my body has no influence over you and to diminish my sense of power to manipulate you with it.

I observe the images you are drawn to online and I feel like I am not really your “type” which tends to a young girl with a thin build. I do think my body, while it has many flaws, is attractive and sensual but I worry that it doesn’t appeal to your aesthetic preferences. While I fully understand that we can be attracted to and enjoy relationships with people who are not our ideals this is something that causes me anxiety, heightened by the fact that you (intentionally or not) rarely compliment my physical body.

When we first started our relationship, you teased me about being in a frenzy as a newbie to the lifestyle but sometimes I feel that you are even more frenzied than me. You are searching for new relationships, contacts, opportunities for sexual experiences. You mock my sexual appetite but you have your own deep hunger that my own service will never sate. You are ravenous, My Wolf and I have at tendency to interpret that as meaning you don’t find me satisfying. I need to accept that it has nothing to do with me. I will be working on shifting my perspective on your hunting for more submissives from anxiety and feelings of rejection to appreciation for your openness, curiosity, energy and feeling grateful that you are willing to include me at times in your adventures with others. Because this is a currently a challenge for me, I am sensitive to small slips in attention such as forgetting a playdate you had made with me, delays in completing things I need (new tasks, communicating with the Bull). I want to feel that you think I am important while at the same time I understand that you have your own busy life and you will have other priorities.

I was hesitant to talk to you about this because I don’t like to criticize you in these small things since I find our relationship very pleasurable, exciting and valuable to me. You give me a lot of your time and attention already and I never want you to feel that I take that for granted or fail to appreciate it. I truly think you are an wonderful Dom, full of surprises, creativity, boldly but respectfully pushing my limits and constantly exposing me to new things. Also you bring me a level of sexual fulfillment I never expected in a long distance relationship.

I don’t want you to feel that I expect you to be at my beck and call or heaping praise and compliments on me all the time. You must lead and follow your tastes and instincts in this relationship. Artificial, manufactured praise is obvious to me and does not make me feel good. I did want you to have more insight into how your behavior effects me and some of the things going through my mind so you can help your Slave feel more treasured and secure in your ownership. I feel so very lucky to have been claimed by you and to be your Slave. I don’t think any of this will come as a surprise as you are quite attuned to me and I have noticed just recently that you did give me a compliment as well as incorporating more praise and use of terms such as “treasured” and “pretty” in our playtimes. I’m sure you understand that these anxieties are temporarily increased in conjunction with my deepening submission, dependence and devotion to you, My Master.

Weekly Update 5/11/20-5/18/20

Posted on by Avertas

Rationally, of course, I should not mind but the emotional process of being a submissive/slave is powerful

It is hard to feel like I am being asked to find you a better replacement for myself, (real name)

I am thinking about where my limit is on this and I will let you know

“Good girl

By the way, not a Replacement to you

I will still own you.”

Insecurity

For the first time this week I was unable to cum when you ordered me to do so. This occurred in the context of a few unsettling events in our relationship, at least to me. One, you had me help you with some practical writing tasks, which on one hand was flattering and appreciated as I like when you involve me in your day to day life (something I have been asking for) but also can feel a little exploitative, probably because of my own baggage. I have always been a nerdy academic overachiever and this has made me sensitive to people passing off their work for me to do. I have developed strong boundaries about this in other areas of my life. To be fair however, you did ask and I happily agreed to assist you and the work itself, although a little time consuming, was quite easy for me. I felt like you were truly appreciative of my assistance and I am honored to help you.

Likely more relevant to your Property’s lack of sexual response is that you started talking to me more recently about looking for a new sub/slave/cuckqueen to be your primary relationship. I have been through this before with having an open marriage and in other relationships so I wasn’t surprised to find myself feeling more insecure, anxious and preoccupied with the idea that you were rejecting me for some flaw. Rationally, of course, I completely understand that you desire and deserve to pursue your relationship goals. And I know I can’t meet those needs, nor do I particularly want to try to. But emotionally, it is another matter all together. The process of becoming your Slave has involved intentionally deepening and encouraging my emotional dependence on you, My Master. It has been very effective but it has also made me sensitive to what I perceive as rejection or loss of interest from you, which I think is typical in the submissive position but probably amplified by our relationship being new, long distance and my first time being a formal sub/slave.

You asked me to look over your profile from a dating site and that was the last straw. I have been asked to do similar things for lovers who were looking for primary relationships and even in less intense relationships, I found it painful and threatening. One thing I have learned from polyamory is that I just need to speak my truth and be okay with letting people know where my boundary is whether they understand and agree with it or not. Because things were complicated, my feelings were intense and I was not feeling very connected with you, I asked if we could talk on video chat. When we did, it was helpful although somewhat mixed initially. You seemed to be in a playful mood (perhaps a defense of yours?), which was frustrating as this was something serious to me and I was in my feelings. You also mixed up my real name for some reason, which certainly isn’t reassuring to a woman who is already feeling insecure about her importance to you! However, you did recover from these missteps and we had a good conversation and I felt better at being able to communicate directly with you, explain my problem and be heard. I also appreciated that you chose to have us do so outside the BDSM framework, allowing me to communicate more directly and firmly with you about my limits and needs. After that conversation I felt much calmer and connected. I appreciate that you understand why it is emotionally hard for me to help you find a new primary sub, that you are beginning to tell me about other secondary relationships you currently have and exploring how much information I can/should share with others about our connection to each other. In the future I will continue to seek more direct communication with you when I am feeling unsure about things because I repeatedly find that we do better when we are able to talk in person vs. trying to manage complicated topics over text. I hope that you will do the same, My Master.

As a result of this reassurance and clarification, I find your Property is responding better to your instructions. I also decided to approach you for more clear limits on my interactions with other men online and as I begin again seeking a male play partner. You helped me by letting me know what was acceptable to you in terms of my sexual behaviors (not sharing full nude photos/videos but otherwise able to amuse myself with sexting/saucy pics) and set a limit on the number of people I can engage with in this type of casual playful sexual activity. You also changed my status on Fet, announcing that I was owned by you, which was something I thought I felt neutral on, but I was surprised that it gave me a thrill to see it in “public”. It made it more real and like you were making more of a commitment to this being a true relationship between us.

You have asked me to have a potential play partner approach you first if I desire to make it a physical relationship and that has brought up a mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m nervous that you will scare off potential play partners, not intentionally, but who knows what you will get into your head, My Master. It’s been quite a long time since I had a sexual partner other than my husband and I really hope I can find someone who will be a good fit for my complicated situation. Of course, there’s a part of me that pushes back against your control and wants to be independent in making my own choices about my sex life. However, I felt intensely “owned” when you told me that this man would have to talk to you before he was allowed to fuck your Property. You know how much I like sexual objectification and this entire exchange, although somewhat nerve racking, has also been quite erotic for me. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next, My Master.

Tasks

You have recently told me that you would like to revamp my Tasks and have asked for some feedback on what I like/dislike about my current daily and weekly Tasks.

Things I like in my Tasks: Being asked to think or say things out loud (Mantras), being called “Property” or anything referencing being owned or not in control of my body/mind, Doing tasks while looking in a mirror, Doing tasks in a submissive position (kneeling or lying flat on the ground), Semi public tasks (this one needs negotiating bc I understand it’s hard to know what is okay and what isn’t but I do like playing with this), Being told to wear certain things (daily body harnesses I love but also pearl panties, or no panties, or I have to wear thigh highs, high heels, etc), having to send explicit photographs or videos of my body to you, a brief ritual or mantra around plugging/unplugging FC3 would be nice as that is a daily private moment of submission, orgasm denial/control (demanding certain number of orgasms be completed or none at all), cumming on command (perhaps we can work on strengthening that through play again), detailed tasks (specific amounts of time/counts, multiple instructions, variety of toys), tasks that use all your FC (especially FC3), continued development of tolerance/interest in painful sensations during play, tasks using/involving nJoy plug, being granted reprieve from other tasks while working on special projects (Punishment or Reward tasks), extra challenging tasks for special occasions/events, perhaps some special rewards (like an explicit video of you cumming) for meeting new challenges, an occasional field trip task might be fun (go to the drug store and fuck yourself with a dildo in the bathroom for two minutes etc), I also like the weekly tasks to have titles (Squats, Motherhood etc)

Things I don’t like in my Tasks: Too rigid of a timeline for completion (which you are good about), tasks that take too long as this can become disruptive to my evening routines (understandable for punishment but weekly tasks can also get time consuming and interfere with exercise or time with my husband which is okay occasionally but not frequently), too simple of tasks (perhaps the basic edging task needs an upgrade), prolonged orgasm denial or very stimulating tasks without allowed release, tasks that require me to be unplugged for long periods of time outside of work, tasks that are excessively painful for my level, tasks requesting ATM without cleaning in between, overly frequent daily tasks that disrupt my work day (2-3 brief tasks a day seems good so far)

You gave me a lovely, dirty and challenging task for my birthday earlier this week which was amazing. You titled it “Birthday Gang Bang” which immediately got my interest. You told me to put two clothespins on each breast sandwiching each nipple in between. I was to put the Lush in FC2 and turn it to respond to sound and play music during the task. I was then to put a vibe in FC3 and a dildo in FC1. Then slide forwards and backwards, as if being fucked in a gang bang for forty strokes without orgasm allowed. This was followed by permission to bring myself to orgasm using any means and at climax, remove one clothespin, continuing to build to repeat orgasms until all clothespins were removed. My initial response was excited and pleased but then, of course, you upped the ante by telling me I had to complete this not once but three times (!) over the 24 hours of my birthday. You do demand so much and I love that. I love that your are strict and challenge me. This was a great task, if you look at what I like above, because it was detailed, used all three FC, developed pain tolerance, involved orgasm control but also release at the end and involved an erotic fantasy of mine (MFM threesome). I was feeling a little depressed about my birthday but having twelve kinky orgasms definitely cheered me up. I was so proud of this task I actually talked (bragged) about it to a few friends and they were impressed by the task and also told me that I seemed happy and fulfilled in this relationship with you. Thank you for a great birthday gift, My Master.

Weekly Update 4/27/20-5/3/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Look in your review mirror

Stare into your eyes”

Yes, My Master

“Repeat, I am my Master’s Slave. His Property.

He is Respectful of my Limits.

I am his 3 Hole Fuck Slave

Repeat that 10 times, slowly”

Yes, My Master

I have done it my Master

“Is your mind at rest?”

Yes, My Master

Very calm

Hush

I had recently been feeling a little annoyed about a minor thing but I brought it up with you this week. You had me purchase two remote controlled vibrators, delivered several weeks ago and we have not really played with them much. You do like shopping and having lots of options for your creative and devious mind and I am happy to indulge My Master. However, these were somewhat expensive toys and they were sitting in my toy box barely used. I began to think about maybe using them with other lovers so I at least had some experiences with them if you were not interested. I brought this up with you and you took it into consideration. Generally you have asked me to reserve “our” toys from play with my husband and others. I understand and respect this limit. You decided that I could use the Lush (vaginal egg vibrator) with others but that the Hush (butt plug vibrator) was just for us.

This conversation led to you requesting me to be ready to use the Hush one morning before work. You have noticed how much I enjoy the juxtaposition of completing submissive tasks around the edges of my professional work schedule. You had me replace the Njoy with the Hush and once I got to work, you started buzzing it. I was ordered to find a bathroom, but the one I wanted to use was frustratingly occupied for a suspiciously long time. We joked that perhaps someone else was doing a service ritual in there. You kept the Hush buzzing while I wandered about the busy hallways, clacking my heels loudly to cover the possible faint sound of buzzing. Finally I found a private bathroom.

You quickly had me on my knees with my pants pulled down, following your instructions to edge your clit for thirty seconds, then enjoying making me beg to be granted another 30 seconds to play with it. Then you had me pull out the Hush, allowed me to wash it quickly and ordered me to put it in my mouth. It is longer than the Njoy and awkward to have in the mouth. As soon as I sent you the requested pic of it in FH1 you ordered me to cum, which I did, with my head leaning against the cold edge of the sink, your pussy aching, knees on the hard tile, half gagging on the warm butt plug in my mouth which you were still vibrating, making me drool. You reminded me that I was a nasty, plug sucker and when I asked to take it out of my mouth you asked me what I was. Which was (and is) your drooling Pathetic Slut Slave and your Property, of course. After which you ordered me to cum again. And then you asked me to look in the mirror and tell you what else I was. My thoughts at looking at myself in the mirror were so mixed, My Master. I felt strangely proud, of course excited by the risk and the novelty of the experience, flattered and pleased by your attention and creativity, concerned and anxious that I had chosen to get into situation like this. But mostly I fucking loved this outrageous situation and being your slave and doing crazy, fun, sexy things. I was beautifully dressed for work with full make up and heels and I was kneeling in a public bathroom, pants down, body harness in place with a vibrating butt plug in my mouth. I texted you back that I was a crazy motherfucker and you laughed and said “aren’t we all”. Then you reminded me that I’m also a pathetic ass plug sucker and made me cum yet again. Finally you released your slave to work.

The next time we played with the Hush you wanted to start before I went to work. I did request, and was granted, the ability to turn the Hush off while saying goodbye to my family for the day. You had me set it to respond to noise and as I did my makeup and hair I played Spotify playlists and felt the vibrations changing in your ass with each song. I absolutely love the physical sensation and found it so pleasurable I asked your permission to cum. As I had been obedient with my no orgasm day previous I had three “freebie” orgasms available and you told me I could do as I wished with them. I ended up fucking FH2 on the bathroom floor with my suction cup dildo while fingering your clit and with the Hush buzzing in your ass. It felt so fucking fantastic I blew through two of my three orgasms before I even left the house.

That morning I actually stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts to get a coffee and kept the Hush going, smiling sweetly at the lady giving me change; amused at her having no idea your pussy was dripping wet from the sex toy buzzing away inside FH3. The drive to work felt lovely with the Hush buzzing away in tune with the radio. When I pulled into the parking lot you asked me how much time I had left before I had to go into work. You took over control of the Hush at that point and also direct control of me. You had me repeat the above “Mantra” in the first quote out loud to myself ten times while you stimulated your slave’s hole and my colleagues walked past my car sitting in the lot. The look in my own eyes was surprisingly calm, proud and accepting as I repeated that I was your property and your three hole fuck slave. Initially I felt kind of stupid talking to myself but that quickly faded as I felt my mind sinking into a submissive state as I echoed your chosen words. You then had me imagine myself on a leash while I strolled around the block with the Hush buzzing and you reinforced my position as your property, reminding me to stand tall and own my role. You then had me cum standing in the parking lot while a strange man loaded a truck about thirty feet away. I tried to pretend I was looking at my phone while FH3 buzzed and your pussy clenched and dripped at your command. I loved every minute of it.

Playtimes

I enjoyed doing my tasks, both daily edgings and no orgasm days as well as my two more complicated tasks, fucking your Slave’s ass with dildo while doing 120 Squats and “Motherhood”, the task involving edging, mild breast pain with clothespins and ending again with fucking FH3 with clit stim until orgasm. I enjoyed that so much this week that I actually squirted, something rare for me. Saturday night you kindly granted my request for a more extended play session. You told me all the many things I needed, primarily a LOT of dildos and clothespins.

You chose to do voice only and it was so nice hearing your voice again for longer than a brief audio clip. I had changed into a purple crotchless, open cup teddy and lit candles. I had set myself up with towels, sex toys, lube and a large mirror to watch myself. It was a good session, with continued exploring of clothespins and adding more pain with them on the breasts and for the first time on your pussy (which was stuffed with the Lush and a dildo at the time). I did get some time in subspace, right after the first time you ordered me to cum. There was also a level of humor, intimacy and familiarity between us in this session that was pleasing to me. I do feel that you have opened up to me more and are letting me get to know you, sharing some of the things that are happening in your life and respectfully asking for my thoughts on them. This added warmth and connection in our relationship is welcomed and appreciated. You spent a lot of time and energy on me as well and that was deeply appreciated, My Master.

RG

I have decided to use initials for the other men and women in my life when I talk about them in this blog, My Master. You had suggested perhaps I should start a second blog about my “Slut” adventures but other than my dread of having to write even more diary entries I also want to keep my BDSM and other non monogamous sexual experiences less fractured. I consider all of this part of my sexual journey. I think it’s interesting that you suggested I write about them separately, perhaps an unconscious desire on your part to keep a boundary between your relationship with me as your Slave and my experiences and adventures outside of my time with you. But if this body is truly your Property, My Master then you must be at peace with allowing it to be pleasured in your absence. You must grant me that permission to explore and enjoy sex with another man, a dominant man. I don’t think that is easy for you, although you have not forbidden it. My husband is easier because you know our dynamic and our love is not a threat to you. But perhaps this new lover is.

We’re to meet this week and he seems quite interested in me, although he can blow hot and cold at times. Our relationship has been explicitly sexual since the beginning and I won’t lie to you My Master, I do want to have sex with him. I don’t know how much to tell you about it all. I don’t want you to give me too many restrictions, to sabotage this budding relationship with strange demands. But I do want to show you respect, to honor my bond and my obligations to you as your Property, to reassure you that you own me, mind, body and more and more, heart. I want you to feel confident that you can let your Slut play with her toys, mechanical and human, with impunity, just like you grant me freebie orgasms, to keep my hunger slated temporarily, until you can satisfy me completely yourself.

Addendum

Posted on by Avertas

“In your mouth with it”

My Master, you rightly pointed out today, after reading my update, that I neglected to include something that happened during our play on Friday night. I was honestly unconscious of omitting it, and even when you reminded me that it had happened, I still had to scroll back through our texts to be sure of what you were referencing. And then my heart sank when I realized what you wanted me to write about.

Because what you had asked me to do, and what I did is very hard for me to discuss. You had told me to unplug and scolded me for questioning you and I was crying. You reassured me I was not being punished and told me to finish my task and I sent you a picture of the njoy plug on the floor after I pulled it out of your FH3. As soon as I sent that picture I knew immediately what you were going to tell me to do next. I felt panic because I knew you were going to tell me to put it in my mouth and I just…can’t. And I was right, you told me to put it in my mouth.

I looked at the text and I looked at the plug and thought, if it’s clean I think I can do it. So I asked permission to wash it and you said yes (oh, thank you, My Master for that). So I washed it quickly with hot, soapy water in my bathroom and then I put it in my mouth. It was surprisingly heavy and hard to hold in my mouth. You told me to send you a picture and I did and you wanted to know what I was thinking. I felt angry and humiliated and excited and scared and proud and overwhelmed. I was thinking that you didn’t need to push me this hard but I knew you would. You had me face my mirror and watch myself play with your clit while I sucked on the butt plug until you commanded me to cum. Which I did, of course, writhing on the floor, still holding that fucking plug in my mouth.

Some of the things we will do are not “nice” BDSM, not aesthetic black and white, pretty lingerie and tidy shibari. I am ashamed to talk about the gross and nasty things that are part of my humiliation kink because I know people will judge and be disgusted by them. They are disgusting, that’s kind of the point. It’s very intimate and I feel so exposed talking about this here, but I have done so at your request.

The other thing, which you brought up as well, is that my husband can and does, read this blog. And this is something I would never want to share with him because I know he would never find this sexually exciting and he has made jokes etc about more extreme kinks in the past, as have I. He and I had discussed having a flag of some sort on blog posts I didn’t want him to read and I mentioned today that this might be one of them. This led to a very good discussion during which he openly acknowledged that he had been occasionally kink shaming in the past but felt that was changing as he watched and read about my journey. He also reassured me again that he loved me and that other than rejecting his love or lying to him, there was very little I could do that would change that. I guess we are going to find out if that’s true, but I feel pretty sure that it is. And there is no flag on this post because I am trying to be brave and let him see all the parts of me, even the ones I would rather hide.

Slave

You have had me repeatedly take the BSDM test over the past few months and the results have shifted a bit, although no surprise that “degradee” is always the top of the list, followed shortly by non monogamous, submissive, switch, masochist, rope bunny in close order. But its obvious from inside the dynamic of our relationship that we have moved firmly in the direction of Master and Slave, which has not been reflected, however, by the test results. When I first took the test in late Jan, 2020 I scored 53 on Slave. And after our last play, where I called you Lord, came on your command, sucked my butt plug and sent pictures to you and abased myself by lying face down on the floor because I wasn’t even worthy to kneel any more, my Slave rating went all the way up to…67.

You obviously noticed something was off and asked me about it. I knew right away what the issue was, which reflects a larger issue in my experiences with being a traditional BDSM slave. I score so low because all the questions asking about being a slave involve some variant of “would you give up everything else in your life to live out your BDSM dreams” etc. And while that is a fun fantasy for me, there is absolutely no way I would ever give up my other three major life roles as a working professional, a mother and a wife to focus solely on being a slave. When I explained that to you, you understood and agreed completely and encouraged me to take it again disregarding the other roles I play for the sake of the test, answering just based on my personal and sexual interests. I scored 98 on Slave when I took it a second time, “with the understanding that I know you are not abandoning those core roles”.

It is always going to be hard to balance all the things that I am. I am a really complicated person. I’m also a really lucky person, because I seem to draw great people towards me to help me, to mentor me, to love me, to fuck me and to forgive me for being such a weird, difficult, funny, moody, smart, slutty woman, who also is an obedient Slave to her Master.