Tag: polyam

Addendum Weekly Update

Posted on by Avertas

I’m just kinda keeping it low key

And watching to see how he handles this situation with this woman

“goood”

I don’t really have any other options

I feel very distant from him right now

And that is sad

“that’s unfortunate”

He hasn’t even noticed

Which is good

I don’t want him to know how I’m feeling about things just yet

This is the good thing about always texting

It makes it much easier to pretend everything is okay

🙂 🙂 🙂

^^^See?

Self Care Mantra

It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!

My whole self Needs are equally important.

I will work in unison with those I love to find solutions that respect my Needs and Desires.

After finishing the blog this morning I went to the gym. My mind kept running over the same thoughts I have been grappling with the past week or so, My Master. I know you are unaware of them. When I left the gym, I was on the brink of tears. I voice messaged a friend in distress, who called immediately and talked through everything with me. What I realized is that I need to be more honest with you about my feelings regarding adding another sub to our dynamic.

I am a newbie to BDSM. I have never been seriously restrained, been hit with an implement or degraded in person. I have no idea how I will respond to those things and others when they happen in real life. I have never met you and yet I have a strong attachment to you. I still feel that there is so much I don’t know about you and when you do things I don’t understand or think are wise it throws me completely into doubt and fear because I immediately start to think about what else I don’t know about you and how vulnerable I am. I hate feeling like this. It is not typical for me at all and I believe it is due to the many strange things about our relationship.

When you return and we meet in person, I need time to get to know you. I need to feel safe, have privacy and develop trust. I need your undivided attention as we grow our dynamic and we figure out my limits and interests. Right now, I don’t feel ready to jump right into a multiple person BSDM dynamic full time. I really enjoy threesomes and initially we talked about how we would have occasional fun adventures but that has morphed into something different recently that you are very excited and enthusiastic about. Pretty much everything you have sent me over the past few weeks has focused intensely on this theme of having multiple subs so I know how important this is to you, which is why I have been scared to show how uncomfortable it is making me. I have been unable to cum for you for the past two days, although you have not noticed that I stopped thanking you for the orgasms. This is always a sign of difficulties in our relationship for me.

I fully understand that you need multiple submissives to have your needs met and I have no interest in limiting that. Of course, I encourage you to continue your hunt for the perfect gf/slave. I do want to explore group play with you when I am ready and I know that will be exciting and fun. I am feeling overwhelmed and not attracted to the idea of immediately starting our real life relationship with the constant presence of another submissive in a triad type scenario. I hope that you can understand this request, My Master, and know that it comes from a place of wanting to be honest with you and increase our chances for happiness on your return. I feel terrible that I cannot be more enthusiastic about entering into such a complex dynamic but I feel like it is premature for me and not healthy or well paced for my development as a submissive. Please consider these words and let me know your thoughts when you are ready, My Lord. Please know they come from a place of respect for you and our relationship while attempting to honor my own “whole self Needs”.

Weekly Update 9/20/20-9/27/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Are you alone, Pet”

Yes, My Master

“What are you?”

I am your Property, My Master

“Would my Slave like to push her limits?”

I trust My Master

What do you wish, My Master?

“Stroll to the darkness”

—————————————————-

Phone Play

___________________________________

“I enjoyed that…as you can see”

That is my greatest reward, My Master

Your pleasure

And you taking the time to deepen my experience and obedience, My Lord

Piss Play/Watersports

Last week you had told me, ever so casually, to keep some leggings or pants in my garage, without explaining to me the reason why. Then you asked me to notify you if I was out walking my dog alone. I obviously suspected that you were looking for an opportunity to explore more piss play with your Slave. You had me piss myself once previously in my backyard, which you prefer to do outside for ease of cleanliness. My reaction to that adventure was fairly benign and I was open to further such play.

That night I was out walking my dog alone, as my husband was on a date with his girlfriend. It had been a nice evening and we had been chatting off and on over text. It was a beautiful, cool evening and my neighborhood was very quiet. I didn’t see anyone about as walked up and down the dark streets. I sent you a selfie on a whim. When you realized I was alone, you immediate asked me if I wanted to push my limits…which of course, who would refuse such an offer from their Dom? I figured I knew what was coming and mentally prepared myself, trying to get in a relaxed and open state of mind most conducive to submission for me. You told me to find a dark spot, and I did, tucked away in some thick shrubs near a dark house, where all the lights were off.

You called me and in your firm voice ordered me to kneel in the grass. My dog was confused at first but settled down and rested next to me with some gentle encouragement. You told me to repeat the Identify Mantra, which I was embarassed to admit I didn’t have memorized. I did know the “Grounding” Mantra, as I do it daily during the week, so you had me repeat it softly out loud while on my knees. You interrupted me to order me to cum, which I did, my voice faltering slightly, which you immediately corrected, firmly commanding me to continue my Mantra. It was very dark and you couldn’t see my face as I tried to remember the words to chant while you made me cum again. You paused then and told me to try and piss myself, feel the wetness and warmth dripping down my legs. I tried to comply but my body, accustomed to peeing in a sitting position, was uncooperative and confused. I finally was able to release a small amount of urine and felt it soaking into my panties and leggings. You asked me if I had been obedient to your commands and I was proud to be able to tell you that I had been. You praised me and told me to keep reciting my Mantra as you again made me cum, this time in my piss soaked clothing. Your voice filled with a dark glee as you pointed out how no one would believe that a woman like me, so professional, so polished, would ever agree to piss and cum all over herself kneeling in the grass.

You told me to get up and resume walking, now with a dark stain over my crotch and ass, starting to get cold against my skin in the fall air. Luckily the night was dark and my neighborhood remained deserted as I led my dog up the hill where you told me again to try and piss while still walking. This proved too complicated for my body, despite my willingness to try and you were understanding. We kept chatting and you would occasionally order me to cum until you stopped me under a streetlight and had me stand there and pee on myself again. This time I was able to release much more and I felt again the warmth and the wetness spreading down my legs as the piss gushed out. You praised me and after a few more minutes released me from the call after checking in that I was feeling okay and not upset or in distress, which I was not. As soon as I closed out the call, I was met with a pic of your hard cock and a text saying how you had enjoyed yourself. I so appreciate that feedback from you when we play, My Master. Knowing that you have also enjoyed our time together is very important and erotic for me. I walked the rest of the way home, pants wet, wondering if the cars passing by could tell as they flashed their bright lights at me.

My husband was staying out late so no one was home when I got back. I put the dog in her kennel, peeled off the wet clothes and threw in a load of laundry. I started a warm shower and while the water beat down on me I thought about what had just happened. I realized I was feeling overall happy, probably because I enjoy the rare pleasure of playing with you and hearing your voice and, as a Slave, I enjoyed being obedient, pleasing you with my behavior and being praised. The piss play itself I don’t find particularly humiliating surprisingly. I don’t know if it’s because of my previous real life experiences with raising children or my work but I didn’t struggle with any deep feelings of reluctance or hesitation when you told me to piss myself. I also didn’t have that strong feeling of external dominance and submitting to control because of that. I don’t know if other types of piss play, like having someone else pee on me etc would be more shocking and therefore more exciting for me. I appreciate having this exposure and an opportunity to reflect on it. I continue to be interested in this kink as I feel there is “something there” that could be very arousing for me, I just don’t know yet exactly what it is.

Weekly Update 9/6/20-9/13/20

Posted on by Avertas

I think it is becoming too strong, My Master

You need space and freedom

“No such thing, My Pet.”

I need to not make myself vulnerable to too much emotional suffering in response to your normal and healthy needs

I am being unrealistic, which is unlike me, My Master

And I apologize for that

“I have too much space…..Freedom is also not a reality for the next few months”

I am not asking to leave your service, My Master

It is not time for that

Your happiness is my goal, My Master

***Master attempts to call***

I can’t talk to you right now, My Master

Please just consider it, My Lord

…..

Do you feel that you understand why I am asking for this, My Master?

“Yes.

Personal and emotional self-protetion.

As I have become something that you never intended but hoped for”

Yes, My Master

“What are you”

I am your Property, My Master

“Good girl

And…

….”

I don’t know what you want me to say, My Master

I am just stuck and I see no way out

Hard Truths

This has been a difficult week for your Slave, My Master. I have been supporting various friends emotionally through crisis, working my busy, full time job, followed up with my surgeon who cleared me for more intense exercise, which I have begun and of course, my responsibilities for my household and my family. These are the normal responsibilities I carry along with my service to you. I am an energetic and strong person and can usually meet the needs of everyone consistently if not gracefully, but this week there were added emotional struggles that overwhelmed me at times. At least two days this week I struggled with significant depressed mood, frequent tearfulness, irritability, and urges to flee from and avoid you, my Tasks and my other duties to work, husband and family. I fantasized about living alone, doing as I pleased, having a freedom I will never have in this life to seek amusement, pleasure, connection, knowledge in my own way and with whomever I chose. Of course, I would never act on such dreams. I am so loved and needed by everyone. I have made myself such beautiful golden chains, My Master.

In response to my mood, I reached out to my friend/former lover, who has been chatting with me quite a bit recently, asking to meet me again, which you did give permission for us to see each other platonically. He agreed to that, however did text me yesterday morning that he was horny and thinking of me drinking his cum, so I’m less confident that he will adhere to the “platonic” aspect of resuming contact. In any case, I told I was feeling depressed and he launched into a long and supportive text conversation reminding me that I have the perfect life. That I’m well off and beautiful with a loving family and a rewarding job. That he has met very few people like me etc etc, blah blah blah. Of course you know that this did absolutely nothing other than add feeling guilty to being depressed, My Master. Guilty that I dare to be less than content and fulfilled with such an abundance around me. But even it is greedy and selfish of me, the truth is that I am not fulfilled. I often do not feel cherished and loved. I am suspicious that others use me for their own purposes. I don’t think that anyone really understands me or cares about me. I don’t trust others and don’t want to share with them my emotional suffering.

Some of what has made me more insecure this week is that you began discussing taking on a 24/7 submissive upon return to home. Intellectually and rationally I am fully in support of you having a girl friend and primary sub. You are single and it is natural and normal for you to want to have a companion and lover to be with every day. It cannot be me because I have other roles to play at this time in my life. So I am left in limbo, knowing that I long to serve you, to explore with you, to deepen our connection even further, but also knowing that I am unlikely to have that opportunity as obviously, anyone who is lucky enough to be in that role will demand the position of first for your attention, affection, time and connection, as they should. And that is said without a hint of anger or resentment, My Master. I truly want you to be happy. You are an amazing Dom and man and should have a primary submissive who can be what you need and deserve. You should be free to explore that dynamic and grow without me in the way complicating things for you.

My feelings are intense and conflicted at this point, My Master. I don’t want to leave you, I want every second I can have at your feet. But I am not a robot or made of stone. Quite the contrary, I am an emotional person, empathic and responsive. I have thought of perhaps taking another play partner as a way to distract myself and perhaps lessen my dependence on you. I thought of pulling back in my frequency of communication to you, sort of cooling off and giving you more space, but I doubt I could follow through with it. The second you asked for me, I will be at your command. The second you say, kneel, I drop to my knees. The second you say, cum, I feel waves of pleasure spreading from your clit. I am your Property, My Master.

I am troubled and anxious and uncertain of the future. I do not like feeling like this and these are not emotions I have much experience with. My natural instinct is always toward action, but there is no action for me here other than to wait and see and hope and try to believe you when you say that you have chosen me and we will find a way. You know I am preparing myself to lose you. I have been preparing myself for that from the beginning, I suppose. The more I care for you, the more I let you in, the more I submit to you and rest under your authority and control, the greater the pain that awaits me. I am chiseling away at the boulder that will crush me someday. It doesn’t matter though, My Master. Probably in the long run it will be good for me to be crushed and hardened. I am such a stupid Mutt to ruin things with useless feelings, My Wolf. I will strive to get myself under control, stay in the moment, learn from you and enjoy the time you are able to give me, My Master. That is one of the hard lessons I need to learn. I am not going to be able to have everything I want and that is okay. It is also okay for me to privately mourn for that which is not possible but for which I will always long.

Weekly Update 8/31/20-9/6/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good Morning, Slave,

How is my property feeling this morning?”

Much better after actually sleeping eight hours, My Master

Thank you for sending me to bed 🙂

“Was she obedient last night and went bed as instructed?”

Yes My Master and I slept really well, thank you

“Of course

How did that make you feel?”

A little silly bc obviously I knew I needed to go to bed early, My Master

But at the same time…

“Knowing and Doing are drastically different things”

It did force me to actually do it and not just goof around and get distracted, My Master

Bc I probably would have gone to bed around 1130 on my own, My Master

And I felt cared about

By you

Bc you were paying attention to me and helping me take better care of your Property, My Master

“Cum, My Pathetic Property”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“My Property to Use”

Yes, My Master, use, abuse, shape, punish, reward

As you have already begun, My Master

I wonder if it will be even better in person

It’s going to be intense, My Master

I can’t wait

“You will be much better at begging in person, my fuck toy”

I have no doubt that I will be motivated to beg as I have never been before, My Master

Bc no one has ever treated me the way that you do

And no one else is allowed to, My Wolf

But you may push me to the limit

I am yours, My Lord

Influence, Dominance, Control

So insidious are your ways, My Master. Even your tenderness has an edge hiding in it somewhere…this week you ever so subtly expanded your control over me. I’m such a visual person; in my mind when I give over something to your control it’s like a soft grey blanket that creeps over the landscape of my life, slowly covering more and more under your influence. Warm and quiet and soft in those areas of my life under that blanket, because I no longer have to try so hard there. In those parts of my life I can rest now. You will decide and tell me what to do. All I have to do is listen and obey. It feels so good and yet, it frightens me at times, how I keep falling deeper into submission to you, how I keep welcoming it.

First you told me that you wanted me to pick up some quarter cup bras to wear when I am with you. Bras that would leave the breasts pushed up but with nipples uncovered and visible beneath my clothing. Of course, I agreed, but told you I had to wait until my bra size stabilized after my recent surgical upgrades. Then you began sending me images of women in specific outfits. Dresses that unzipped down their entire length, either in the front or the back, wrap dresses held together with a single tie, backless body suites that would have to be worn braless, low cut, surplice tops that open easily to the waist, blouses made of sheer materials, crop tops tied on by only thin straps, skin tight leather pants. Of course, I quickly realized the goals of this project and, like a good Slave, I happily found dresses and blouses online and sent them to you for your approval before purchasing them.

I am sure you know that I love this new element of being dressed like your doll. I love clothing and fashion and looking beautiful. I love feeling like an object, a treasured, decorated, OWNED object. The clothing you have picked is so provocative. I love the thought of the jealous, hateful glares of the women, who will be thinking “That Slut, she’s too old to be dressed like that; she just wants attention”. I love the thought of the men who will watch my every move with hunger in their eyes, turning their heads to watch me pass, trying to hide it from their wives and girlfriends, shifting in their seats as they notice my hard nipples pushing against the thin, light fabric of the blouse you have chosen. But most of all I love the thought of your hand on the small of my back guiding me, your amused smirk at the reaction I create, the firm grip of your hand on my wrist as you lead me, your dark eyes leaving me with only confidence that if this is how you wish me to look, then that is the right and best way, of course. That whatever beauty I have to offer is yours to claim and to display at your pleasure.

And the excitement of not knowing how you will use your Property, made so enticing and so easily exposed at your command. You might have me pinch and twist my nipples before we leave the car, to make sure they are hard and noticeable. How easily it will be to have me open my blouse and expose my breasts for you at a book store or park. You could slide one hand inside my wrap dress and stroke your FC2 while we wait in a quiet booth for a late lunch. You could unzip my dress and leave me in just heels and thigh highs in the back row of a movie theatre and force me to stay like that, open, exposed. Or force me to get on my hands and knees on the dirty floor with my dress opened so you could rest your legs for a bit. You could plug your FC3 with a hook tied to my waist and bring me to a gas station in the late hours of the night, leaving enough exposed above the waist band of my skirt that those who know about such things would understand what had been done to me and what I am. I am your Property, My Master, your three hole, fuck cunt playground. I am your Slave.

You have also discussed more permanent decoration and marking of your Slave, including a small tattoo or a piercing with tags indicating my status. I am not particularly interested in tattoos but find the idea of a piercing more intriguing. You have asked me to look up and consider a piercing of FC2 at some point in the future. Personally, I would prefer a piercing of the inner labia, which looks attractive and would not interfere with or exaggerate my sexual sensations. It would be intensely erotic for me to be tagged in such a way with your initials, the word “Slave” or “Owned” or similar. Of course, my body is not just used by you, My Master and as such, there would have to be a discussion with my husband about his thoughts and feelings about such a change. It is delicate work being so strongly connected to two such different men.

You have also begun to gently explore controlling other aspects of my life. In the past you have tried to limit how much time I spend at work, which is interesting but difficult as I don’t have a lot of control over problems which can arise at work and have to be dealt with regardless of the time. This week you gave me a firm time I needed to be off of the internet and a bedtime after a rough week of little sleep due to illness, work duties and insomnia. It did help me to have that external requirement to guide me as I am obedient to you in all things. I appreciated you checking in on how I felt about it the next morning. I felt a little demeaned and childish, a little cared for and a lot grateful for your help. As usual, your response was to claim the whole thing and tell me that henceforth, you would be giving me bedtimes on “schoolnights” to help make sure your Property wasn’t staying up too late, a habit that has given you some concern in the past. This pattern is so typical to you, My Master that I wasn’t even surprised. You often take a little bite of something, see if we like it and then, if I do, you grab the whole cake without a seconds hesitation. I love that boldness about you, My Master; I find that confidence very appealing.

A Test

I have a former lover, now friend, who I dated last fall, prior to ever meeting you, My Master. You are aware of him and knew that we continued to communicate through text. This relationship was one of my first outside of my marriage and this man became very attached to me. So much so that he admitted he had come to both “love and hate me” because he had to accept that he would never be able to fully have me as his primary partner. He is an intense and emotional person, a romantic and going through a difficult time in his personal life. He pulled back on the sexual and romantic aspects of our relationship, which I understood and accepted and we remained friends. Despite the end of quarentine, we have not met again in real life, although continue to update each other on our life events, chatting about our children, our work and our various relationships. He finds my lifestyle fascinating and struggles to understand how my husband can allow me the freedom he does. This man is aware of our relationship and that I would need approval from you to see him again, which he finds bizarre. He is vanilla, although has a dominant personality and is sexually dominant. He is one of the reasons I realized I enjoy being dominated, actually.

Over the past few months he has intermittently dropped hints about wanting to take me out again, both to see me and to have sex. He has admitted that I surprised him with my sexual energy and drive and he misses my attention, humor and affection. I have never approached you about seeing him again because I did not want to upset you or cause distress and drama in our relationship. It was not worth it to me and I have focused all my energy on proving to you my dedication and rebuilding your trust in me, My Master. I continually put him off despite him asking if I had talked to you about it and “gotten a permission slip” as he puts it. The other night he texted me late. I knew he had been drinking and was lonely and probably depressed. He was very open about my being one of the most important people in his life right now, someone he feels he can trust. He misses me and doesn’t understand why we can’t meet. I reminded him of what had happened in my relationship with you when I had taken another play partner and that I was being very careful. He offered to just meet as friends, reassuring me that he could control himself. And that is true, My Master, he has excellent self control when he wants to.

So I have finally approached you about it and you were surprised that I had delayed it for so long. I explained that I had done so because at times I find your reactions to my outside relationships unpredictable. It’s very important to me that I not do anything, even accidentally, that upsets you or takes us backwards in terms of the trust and repair we have made in the past several months. Especially as we both begin getting ready to finally meet in person. You were surprised by the term “unpredictable” but that is how I feel. I have mixed messages from you about other men. You want them to look at me and desire me but at the same time you call me an attention whore and a flirt. You want me to make friends in the lifestyle but you become anxious that I might seduce them or disobey you. You remind me “FBNF”, “Forgiven but not Forgotten”, in reference to my past failings. Of course, I am going to be reluctant to bring you my struggles and worries about the desires and demands of other men, My Master. I don’t want to do anything that might make you uncertain or anxious about my dedication to you as your Slave.

All this has been on my mind at the same time, I felt like I was being cruel and rude to my friend. So I finally felt forced into the position of asking you for guidance about what I should do next or risk really losing this friendship. You have graciously given me permission to see him again, strictly platonically, which is fine with me. I know that you will be watching me like a hawk to ensure that I don’t slip into any inappropriate behaviors with this man and I understand and accept why. I know he won’t understand the difficulties he is putting me through, and I am sure much of our conversation when we meet again will be trying to explain to him why I kneel to you and allow these restrictions. Of course I don’t need to explain those things to myself or to you. I know to my core how much you bring to my life. The pleasure, peace, excitement, challenge and understanding that I cannot get from anyone else. You are a rare and unique man and I am so happy being your Pet, your P.S.S. I promise that I will not be tempted away from my happy place, My Master. I would rather be here at your feet than anyplace else in the world.

Weekly Update 8/8/20-8/15/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Where do you think you would be when with me?”

I think it would depend on many things, My Master

Most importantly where YOU want me to be

“Such as….”

The situation and location, your mood, your wishes and goals for me at the time

“All true

Under…

Kneeling next to….

Under massaging and licking my feet…”

But in my heart I am always at your feet, My Lord

“As is proper.”

“Or melted and adrift if I am unforgiving”

Everything you do effects me, My Master

In one way or another

I am a sensitive person

“And…How much does that scare the crap out of you?

People who feel deeply experience great joy

And also deep hurt

My feelings make me vulnerable and I don’t like that, My Master

So the answer to your question is…a lot, My Master

Healing and Plugged

This week has been quiet, necessitated by my continued semi-invalid state as I recover from surgery. However, as I have slowly healed and my energy has improved I have missed more and more my usual tasks and rituals. You have responded by gradually but gently increasing the simple tasks you have been giving me this week, typically edging or Identify a certain number of times with you telling me in the morning if orgasms are allowed and when. As my orgasms all belong to you, I am used to asking for them, and you have given me a no orgasm day or two this week as well. The last few days I have been wanting more orgasms as I near ovulation and my drive is rising despite the stress of surgery. I was unsure if I had access to my usual “freebies” of two orgasms (unless it is a scheduled no orgasm day of M/W/F). When I asked you today, you told me I did not get any freebies until I returned to work. Its so funny now, that I don’t even think that it is strange to ask you if and when I can orgasm. It has become my “new normal” as you like to say, just like being plugged.

I unplugged right before the surgery. It was strange being unplugged for so long. As I healed I began hoping that you would tell me to plug FC3 again but you were silent on the subject until I finally had to ask when you thought I might be able to be plugged again. You told me noon on Wednesday which ended up being lovely as you were edging me with alternating orgasms on the hour throughout the day. I was home alone at the time and was able to kneel in my quiet, darkened room looking in the mirror. I removed the Njoy from its box, where it had been waiting since the surgery. It is so cold and heavy, such a lovely object. Without hesitation I placed it in my mouth and a shiver of pleasure washed over me. I felt my body sink heavily into Nadu as I sucked gently at your plug, such dirty and regressive act that I find unbelievable soothing and erotic. The smooth surface of the plug and the weight in my mouth felt so familiar and so right, warming quickly in the hot, wetness of FC1.

Finally I pulled it out and holding it at eye level I recited my “Grounding” mantra twice, reminding myself of the importance of always being aware of your feelings, My Master and never acting in a way that harms you or endangers your Ownership of me. Then I dipped the plug in your slippery FC2 for a moment to wet it again and pushed it firmly into your tight FC3. As I had been unplugged for so long, it didn’t pop in as smoothly as it usually does, and I was amused that I had to make a bit of effort to encourage FC3 to spread open and accept your plug. Once it was in place, a deep sense of calm washed over me and I smiled at my reflection in peace and joy. I was plugged again and all was right with the world. I had never felt that I wasn’t Owned this week despite being unplugged so long, but it is a wonderful thing to have the physical sensation as a reminder of my connection to you.

Immediately following the Ritual I remembered I had your permission to have an orgasm. It was perfect timing as I was home alone and already aroused and subby, I pulled out my biggest dildo and the satisfier and went back to the mirror where I put the dildo on the ground and knelt over it while I lowered myself down, filling your FC2 completely. I moaned in pleasure feeling both your holes stuffed at once. I clicked on the satisfier and put it on your clit, the incredible sensations immediately making FC2 even wetter as I began riding up and down the dildo, imagining serving you with another Toy, being allowed by you to kiss her, stroke her hair and breasts, lick and suck her nipples while you watched us play until both of us were dripping with need. I imagined you walking towards us, both kneeling before you and taking your cock out which we would eagerly suck. Imagining our tongues intertwined around your hard cock, I frantically fucked your FC2, bouncing up and down the full length until I came so hard I yelled out loud with pleasure.

You don’t know how badly I want you to be real, My Master. Not perfect, not even the image that I know I have made of you, which is not who you are, I understand that. But I am on my knees to whatever karmic force will listen, begging that the two of us as Master and Slave in real life can be a tenth of what we have imagined together. It has been interesting this week, as you begin discussing buying a property and we talk about birth control requirements and other practical aspects of your return. It is beginning to feel more real, although it is a reality I have trouble trusting. A part of me is still waiting for you to ditch me at the last second which would be devastating. Everything feels so nebulous right now, but I will try to have faith that someday I will feel your heavy hand on my actual flesh and will kneel not to an image, my reflection, a voice on the phone but a real man, My Master, My Lord, My Wolf.

Weekly Update 8/3/20-8/9/20

Posted on by Avertas

“So 100 strokes with Satisfyer and no orgasm?”

Correct, My Master

As Instructed

“Impressed, you have earned freebies

Enjoy”

Well I told you I would be able to

…..

“Wellll..

It seems my Slave DOES have will power when it IS important.”

You are so important to me, My Master

I wish you could forgive my mistake

But I will keep trying to show you how much I regret it and improve

I’ll take my shower now if that’s ok

“Forgive, yes.

Forget, never.”

I understand

Good night, My Master

“Good night, My Treasure”

———————————————————————

Thank you, My Master

Your training is taking effect

“You have a long road ahead of you, My Cunt

Crawling.

Worshiping my body

Cumming on command at parties as you hump my foot or boot”

I am your Property and to be used as pleases you best, My Master

“Good girl”

I put myself in your power to be shaped, used, abused, pleasured but always in service to you

“And, here only a few months ago you did not even believe in Remote Control orgasms

Nor

That you were a slave”

My life has changed so much

It’s not at all what I expected

But here I am

“It is rarely what we expect it to be, My Treasure”

Even so, you draw me like a magnet, My Wolf

Anxiety about the Future; Regret about the Past

At the beginning of the week, before I had my cosmetic surgery, you had me perform one more physical Task for you, a variant of Full, which requires me to fill all your Fuck Cunts at once with dildos for a certain number of strokes, if possible concluding with an orgasm with all the cunts stuffed. This is a technically challenging task and can be unpleasant as you encourage me to practice deep throating with FC1 during it. You have been edging me aggressively for the past few weeks to improve orgasm control amongst other things. To test that control we agreed to add on an extension to the task of 100 strokes in FC3 while using the Satisfier on your clit to see if I would be able to do it without orgasming. You clearly thought I would fail, My Master, while I had complete confidence that I could do it and enjoyed being a little “sassy” to you in response to your doubts. We were texting a bit during the Task and after I announced that I had achieved the goal, I hoped you would take the opportunity to perhaps call me briefly or take over and give me some guided orgasms but you were distracted and did not. I was disappointed because I knew that after the surgery I would not be able to play with you for some time nor had you asked to play with me for weeks, but I took it in stride. I reminded myself that I was a Slave and my pleasures are dependent on my Master’s wishes and so, with no orgasm after fucking all your holes thoroughly I cleaned my toys with a dripping, unsatisfied FC2 and started getting ready to take a shower in preparation for my procedure in the morning.

While I was undressing you texted, and we had the exchange above. I was naked, plug loose in your stretched FC3, clit still aching for release, somewhat anxious and guilty about the surgery in the morning and looking at my body in its current form for the last time, wondering if I was making a mistake, wondering how painful and difficult the recovery would be, how much it would inconvenience my family, if it would be worth the money, if I was selfish and stupid for doing this. Initially, your texts caused their usual schoolgirl rush of happiness and your praise made me smile and glow with pride and pleasure. But then, as has happened so many times, you twisted my hand, that I thought you were holding so gently in your steely grip, bringing me to tears and to my knees with your keen observation of my failings. That little comment about being able to control myself when I thought it was important enough to do so, hit me like a truck. I obviously knew you were referencing my breaking of my promise to you about sex with my play partner. I gently put down the phone and melted to the floor, curled up, quietly sobbing so no one else would hear, feeling like I would never truly be free of your doubt and disdain for that error, that you would always cast that in my face, even when I thought that I had pleased you. How can I defend myself from the truth, My Master? It will always be true that I failed you and I lay open my heart to you to be lashed a thousand times, My Lord, if that gives you solace.

Did you know that you had struck me so hard, My Master? Because we mostly communicate by text, I can still hide my hurts and joys from you. You don’t see the times the phone is flung across the bed in frustration. You don’t see me kiss the screen or sigh in bliss or giggle at your joke or grimace in response to an idea for my future use. You don’t see my eyes fill with tears of regret, of confusion, of despair. I pick and choose still what picture I paint for you of myself. I send only the best selfies and the prettiest outfits. I protect myself, weakly, through these little deceits and masks, even as I continue to tumble happily down the rabbit hole of submission to you. But the time for all this will soon be drawing to an end.

Lately, we have been talking more and more about being together in real life. I have been talking with my therapist about it and everything that may or may not come to pass. I need to start talking to my husband about it at some point, although what to say to him baffles me as I barely know how to counsel myself. I am terrified for the masks to be pulled away. For you to see my true face and to look into your dark eyes and see if you will still claim me. Or if there is nothing between us and it was all words and dreams and I must armor myself again. Even now, I do not know, My Master, if you would have been pleased to see those tears from your comment hitting home, or if you would have been surprised or even concerned. It does not matter so much what your reaction would have been, My Master. The fact that I cannot predict it is what is so telling of my ignorance about you. So much about you remains a mystery and yet I cannot hold myself back from what I want to be, what I must be, WHAT I AM…Your Slave and Property.

Upgrading Property

The surgery was uneventful and strange. I was turned into a patient with a simple costume change and coddled by the jolly nurses while they filled out a thousand forms. My undesirable flesh was carefully measured, groped and marked for destruction by my beautiful surgeon who noted several flaws immediately that she casually planned to correct (my belly button was not midline and my right breast slightly larger than my left). I was reassured by a distant but capable anesthesiologist that he wouldn’t let me die when I let him breathe for me. I climbed willingly onto the surgical table, internally amused as the staff transformed me again, this time from a patient into an object needing repair, gently arranging my passive limbs and beginning to refer to me as if I was no longer there even when I still had my wits about me. But soon the good doctor unexpectedly took my hand gently in his and firmly pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply and, of course, like a good girl, I did.

I dimly recall recovery and driving home through what my husband told me later was a terrible storm. I texted you that evening and told you I was high and itchy and fine. I was wrapped tightly in bindings from my armpits to my hip bones with two clear plastic drains coming out of the bottom and the next two days I focused on sleeping, eating and enduring the usual post operative discomforts while my husband ran the household and kept me fed and hydrated. Two days after, I returned to the clinic and was unwrapped and saw my new body for the first time. While it was definitely swollen, bruised and stitched together, the APRN was pleased with the repair and even I could see the potential for a beautiful outcome in my currently somewhat macerated flesh.

You have been quite gentle with me in this period of recovery, My Master. Even before the procedure you declared that I needed to focus on rest and relieved me of being plugged, my usual Tasks and Rituals even including my morning greeting to you, which is one I have honored since very early in our relationship. You have endured my unusual dullness and lack of availability due to the surgery followed shortly by my restlessness, whining and boredom as I start to feel better and yet not well enough to return to my normal routines and service to you. You can be a patient man, My Lord. When you show your concern for your Property, it also brings me to my knees, not from Fear but from another emotion, even more dangerous and frightening to me. Thank you for your kindness to me, your Pathetic Slut Slave, while I am healing, My Wolf. You know I am eager to serve you through my beloved Rituals and challenging Tasks, be plugged again (soon!), enjoy your naughty games and share in your sexy, dirty day dreams and plans for the future.

Weekly Update 5/11/20-5/18/20

Posted on by Avertas

Rationally, of course, I should not mind but the emotional process of being a submissive/slave is powerful

It is hard to feel like I am being asked to find you a better replacement for myself, (real name)

I am thinking about where my limit is on this and I will let you know

“Good girl

By the way, not a Replacement to you

I will still own you.”

Insecurity

For the first time this week I was unable to cum when you ordered me to do so. This occurred in the context of a few unsettling events in our relationship, at least to me. One, you had me help you with some practical writing tasks, which on one hand was flattering and appreciated as I like when you involve me in your day to day life (something I have been asking for) but also can feel a little exploitative, probably because of my own baggage. I have always been a nerdy academic overachiever and this has made me sensitive to people passing off their work for me to do. I have developed strong boundaries about this in other areas of my life. To be fair however, you did ask and I happily agreed to assist you and the work itself, although a little time consuming, was quite easy for me. I felt like you were truly appreciative of my assistance and I am honored to help you.

Likely more relevant to your Property’s lack of sexual response is that you started talking to me more recently about looking for a new sub/slave/cuckqueen to be your primary relationship. I have been through this before with having an open marriage and in other relationships so I wasn’t surprised to find myself feeling more insecure, anxious and preoccupied with the idea that you were rejecting me for some flaw. Rationally, of course, I completely understand that you desire and deserve to pursue your relationship goals. And I know I can’t meet those needs, nor do I particularly want to try to. But emotionally, it is another matter all together. The process of becoming your Slave has involved intentionally deepening and encouraging my emotional dependence on you, My Master. It has been very effective but it has also made me sensitive to what I perceive as rejection or loss of interest from you, which I think is typical in the submissive position but probably amplified by our relationship being new, long distance and my first time being a formal sub/slave.

You asked me to look over your profile from a dating site and that was the last straw. I have been asked to do similar things for lovers who were looking for primary relationships and even in less intense relationships, I found it painful and threatening. One thing I have learned from polyamory is that I just need to speak my truth and be okay with letting people know where my boundary is whether they understand and agree with it or not. Because things were complicated, my feelings were intense and I was not feeling very connected with you, I asked if we could talk on video chat. When we did, it was helpful although somewhat mixed initially. You seemed to be in a playful mood (perhaps a defense of yours?), which was frustrating as this was something serious to me and I was in my feelings. You also mixed up my real name for some reason, which certainly isn’t reassuring to a woman who is already feeling insecure about her importance to you! However, you did recover from these missteps and we had a good conversation and I felt better at being able to communicate directly with you, explain my problem and be heard. I also appreciated that you chose to have us do so outside the BDSM framework, allowing me to communicate more directly and firmly with you about my limits and needs. After that conversation I felt much calmer and connected. I appreciate that you understand why it is emotionally hard for me to help you find a new primary sub, that you are beginning to tell me about other secondary relationships you currently have and exploring how much information I can/should share with others about our connection to each other. In the future I will continue to seek more direct communication with you when I am feeling unsure about things because I repeatedly find that we do better when we are able to talk in person vs. trying to manage complicated topics over text. I hope that you will do the same, My Master.

As a result of this reassurance and clarification, I find your Property is responding better to your instructions. I also decided to approach you for more clear limits on my interactions with other men online and as I begin again seeking a male play partner. You helped me by letting me know what was acceptable to you in terms of my sexual behaviors (not sharing full nude photos/videos but otherwise able to amuse myself with sexting/saucy pics) and set a limit on the number of people I can engage with in this type of casual playful sexual activity. You also changed my status on Fet, announcing that I was owned by you, which was something I thought I felt neutral on, but I was surprised that it gave me a thrill to see it in “public”. It made it more real and like you were making more of a commitment to this being a true relationship between us.

You have asked me to have a potential play partner approach you first if I desire to make it a physical relationship and that has brought up a mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m nervous that you will scare off potential play partners, not intentionally, but who knows what you will get into your head, My Master. It’s been quite a long time since I had a sexual partner other than my husband and I really hope I can find someone who will be a good fit for my complicated situation. Of course, there’s a part of me that pushes back against your control and wants to be independent in making my own choices about my sex life. However, I felt intensely “owned” when you told me that this man would have to talk to you before he was allowed to fuck your Property. You know how much I like sexual objectification and this entire exchange, although somewhat nerve racking, has also been quite erotic for me. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next, My Master.

Tasks

You have recently told me that you would like to revamp my Tasks and have asked for some feedback on what I like/dislike about my current daily and weekly Tasks.

Things I like in my Tasks: Being asked to think or say things out loud (Mantras), being called “Property” or anything referencing being owned or not in control of my body/mind, Doing tasks while looking in a mirror, Doing tasks in a submissive position (kneeling or lying flat on the ground), Semi public tasks (this one needs negotiating bc I understand it’s hard to know what is okay and what isn’t but I do like playing with this), Being told to wear certain things (daily body harnesses I love but also pearl panties, or no panties, or I have to wear thigh highs, high heels, etc), having to send explicit photographs or videos of my body to you, a brief ritual or mantra around plugging/unplugging FC3 would be nice as that is a daily private moment of submission, orgasm denial/control (demanding certain number of orgasms be completed or none at all), cumming on command (perhaps we can work on strengthening that through play again), detailed tasks (specific amounts of time/counts, multiple instructions, variety of toys), tasks that use all your FC (especially FC3), continued development of tolerance/interest in painful sensations during play, tasks using/involving nJoy plug, being granted reprieve from other tasks while working on special projects (Punishment or Reward tasks), extra challenging tasks for special occasions/events, perhaps some special rewards (like an explicit video of you cumming) for meeting new challenges, an occasional field trip task might be fun (go to the drug store and fuck yourself with a dildo in the bathroom for two minutes etc), I also like the weekly tasks to have titles (Squats, Motherhood etc)

Things I don’t like in my Tasks: Too rigid of a timeline for completion (which you are good about), tasks that take too long as this can become disruptive to my evening routines (understandable for punishment but weekly tasks can also get time consuming and interfere with exercise or time with my husband which is okay occasionally but not frequently), too simple of tasks (perhaps the basic edging task needs an upgrade), prolonged orgasm denial or very stimulating tasks without allowed release, tasks that require me to be unplugged for long periods of time outside of work, tasks that are excessively painful for my level, tasks requesting ATM without cleaning in between, overly frequent daily tasks that disrupt my work day (2-3 brief tasks a day seems good so far)

You gave me a lovely, dirty and challenging task for my birthday earlier this week which was amazing. You titled it “Birthday Gang Bang” which immediately got my interest. You told me to put two clothespins on each breast sandwiching each nipple in between. I was to put the Lush in FC2 and turn it to respond to sound and play music during the task. I was then to put a vibe in FC3 and a dildo in FC1. Then slide forwards and backwards, as if being fucked in a gang bang for forty strokes without orgasm allowed. This was followed by permission to bring myself to orgasm using any means and at climax, remove one clothespin, continuing to build to repeat orgasms until all clothespins were removed. My initial response was excited and pleased but then, of course, you upped the ante by telling me I had to complete this not once but three times (!) over the 24 hours of my birthday. You do demand so much and I love that. I love that your are strict and challenge me. This was a great task, if you look at what I like above, because it was detailed, used all three FC, developed pain tolerance, involved orgasm control but also release at the end and involved an erotic fantasy of mine (MFM threesome). I was feeling a little depressed about my birthday but having twelve kinky orgasms definitely cheered me up. I was so proud of this task I actually talked (bragged) about it to a few friends and they were impressed by the task and also told me that I seemed happy and fulfilled in this relationship with you. Thank you for a great birthday gift, My Master.

The Struggle

Posted on by Avertas

February 25th, 2020

TBH, I’m still on the fence about engaging with you, Sir But apparently I’ve decided to give you another chance

Right from the start I felt the pull of it.  The desire to be on my knees, the urge to call you “Sir”, the premonition that you would eventually ask for “Master”.  I sent you a picture of myself on my knees fairly early on.  You didn’t even ask for it and my position was technically incorrect but you didn’t correct me, just praised me and I’m sure smiled, seeing how naturally I followed my instincts.  I also introduced titles early, as I complimented you on the names you were using for me, “Pet”, “Little Girl”, “Kitten”.   You allowed me to title you “Sir” and then trained me to use it to speak to you with respect.

But there were many times where I balked.  The first time you asked me who was a submissive slut I left it unanswered by text.   Your interest in more public displays of power over me terrified me as I need great discretion from my lovers.  Sometimes it seemed that you didn’t appreciate that, despite my insistence.   You spoke about the future and my participation and obedience in a variety of extreme sexual acts with total confidence that I would agree.

About a week in I almost ended it.  I told you it wasn’t going to work for me and thanked you for your time.  You had sent me an image of hard bondage with the woman fully immobilized, gagged, clothespins on her nipples and a vibrator strapped to her clit.   I told you it looked scary and that I was claustrophobic.  You told me it was wonderful and that if I was in that position you would make me worship your ass.   I didn’t respond to you but I messaged my friend that I felt you were not listening to me, that you were not tuned into my responses and it felt like a red flag.  He agreed that I should be careful and consider pulling back.   When I talked to you again, you were rational and reassuring.  You apologized and sent me more pictures of yourself and told me more about you as a person.   Once I engaged with you again, you quickly reminded me to use titles and I felt the grip of you on my mind once more.