Tag: polyamory

Playing in the Woods 11/28/20

Posted on by Avertas

It’s going to be so hard to behave myself, My Master

I am so obsessed with you

“But that is why you will obey me and behave, my little Slave”

I will, of course, My Master

But it’s so hard when you look like that

Exposed, Teased, Tormented and A Taste of Master’s Cock

As instructed, I arrived at the trailhead at nine am, prepared with a cafe mocha for you, a fully charged phone and the Hush in FC3. I had added an almond biscotti as an extra treat for My Master, remembering your sweet tooth and fondness for little gestures of devotion. As previously instructed, I was wearing the open cup bra I had ordered special made in dark red and black which you refer to as part of my “uniform”. It has an underwire that lifts the breasts but no cup so the majority of the breast and the nipples are completely exposed for you to play with or show as you desire. This was under a cranberry colored shirt that had a deep surplice V neckline which opened to the waist and allowed my breasts to be easily exposed with just a slight tug of the fabric. This was paired with tight black leggings, a black scarf and hiking boots. I felt like a proper service sub, rushing out of the coffee shop, ass firmly plugged, my exposed nipples hard and a my mind a little harried thinking I might be keeping My Master waiting.

You had beat me there by a few minutes and greeted me appearing relaxed, in good spirits and looking absolutely gorgeous in aviators, jeans and a winter jacket, still tan from the warmer climate you had been enjoying. I took pleasure in presenting you with your coffee and leaned forward to kiss you, at which you gave me a stern frown and shake of the head and reminded me that I needed to ask. I apologized sheepishly and you allowed your eager little Pet to kiss and nuzzle your cheeks. You took me on your arm, gave me a hug and a snuggle and we headed up the trail after you took my phone and set the Hush in your FC3 to vibing a nice pattern which made me moan in pleasure. A few minutes in you glanced around and seeing no one immediately about, promptly gave my ass several loud and firm slaps. I winced, gasped and then giggled at how loud it was. This was just a taste of the play to come.

We slowly worked out way up the steep and rocky hill typical of this region until we came to an overlook. This was a popular hiking spot and people popped in and out every five to ten minutes or so on their way up the mountain. We were briefly alone and admiring the view when you wrapped your arms around me, whispered in my ear for me to cum and reached into my shirt, expertly locating and pinching my nipple hard while I orgasmed in your arms. Then you abruptly pulled open my top, fully exposing your Property’s breasts to the chilly breeze at the top of the cliff where we stood, promptly hardening my naked nipples. I was shocked and whimpered a protest, trying to curl my chest in, but you took my arms and pulled them back, thrusting my breasts out further. I had never been so exposed and immediately felt FC2 throbbing with excitement. You saw people heading up the trail and turned me slightly, while I covered myself in a second and we casually resumed walking, greeting other hikers with polite small talk as we strolled along.

Little did the other morning hikers know how you were torturing your Slave right in front of them. Alternating between the periods of walking, chatting and admiring the views, you repeatedly ordered me to cum, sometimes in full view of others, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes in your arms, telling me to hold onto you and other times no mercy was shown and you demanded I continue the conversation we had been enjoying even as an orgasm rolled through my body, telling me to keep walking, keep explaining, keep kissing you or whatever I had been doing when you ordered me to orgasm. I tried so hard to do so, but my brain doesn’t work very well when I am sexually excited and you laughed to see your smart alpha submissive, barely able to string words together, cumming in my panties on your command. You kept playing with the Hush, at times leaving it off, other times running a pattern sent vibrations from your stuffed FC3 through my sensitive and aroused FC2. During all this you kept up a wonderful and natural flowing of a mix of endearments, calling me your Pet, Treasure, Princess mixed with frequent verbal degradation, constantly reminding me I was your whore, your Slut, your Piss Pup, your Slave. Always, always your Slave.

We reached the top of the ridge where there was a large tower, which we were unable to climb due to COVID restrictions. There were attractive grounds with outbuildings and you led us around them, chatting pleasantly with the strangers we bumped into. You again pulled me into your arms, letting me kiss and caress you with your permission. You fondled my breasts and pinched my nipples, you grabbed my hair and pulled my head far back, exposing my neck which you bit, harder than before, making me moan in pleasure and pain. I enjoyed feeling more of your body as you let me rub my hands over your ass, while I wigged against you in excitement, causing you to laugh at your horny Slut Slave. You had forgotten a hat and complained of your ears being cold and I happily offered to warm them with my mouth or my hands, both of which you took advantage of. I enjoyed very much having my body be used by you for this need and I told you that to do so was my purpose, to bring you comfort and pleasure and you agreed and called me “such a devoted Slave”.

We wandered off to a small picnic shelter, slightly less exposed although I could still see people, they were looking away at the view or chatting with their companions. I couldn’t keep my hands or my mouth off you and you seemed to enjoy the affectionate touch, having not been caressed by another in a long time while you were away. I was indulged with more kissing, biting, hair pulling and command orgasms; you reached around and firmly shoved the Hush even deeper in your FC3 and rubbed my clit through my tight leggings, making me pant and press against your hand. Then you told me to kneel which I was nervous about, given the public setting but I didn’t hesitate, trusting that you would not have me do so unless it was reasonably safe. You had me recite Morning Prayer again which I did readily while staring deep in your eyes. You allowed me to stand and we headed back down the trail.

It was getting busier on the trail with large groups of hikers as the morning went on. We attempted to find a quieter area but it was difficult. Finally you took us off the path to a slightly less trafficked area, although people were clearly not far away. I was excited, hoping that you would allow me to suck on your cock, which I had been dreaming about and desiring for months. Indeed, you told me to kneel and open my mouth, “no hands” was my instruction and you unbuttoned and unzipped and your thick hard cock was in my face, much to my delight. I eagerly took you in my mouth and sucked it with your warm, wet, FC1, running my tongue up the bottom of your cock and savoring the feel of you. You had me look up at you several times and pulled it out to wipe it across my face, smearing me with spit, having me hold my mouth open while you rested your cock gently in FC1, knowing I was desperate to suck you again. Finally you allowed me to again begin to suck and lick you and I felt you getting harder as I continued. I was so aroused and feeling thrilled, hoping that I would be able to make you cum in a few more minutes when you abruptly stopped and had me button you back up.

Of course I followed orders but I was sad that I didn’t get to bring you to climax and get to taste My Master’s cum. We continued down the trail, still snuggling and kissing, with you at one point stopping in the middle of the trail and wrapping your arms around me, having me cum, which I did hard, shaking in pleasure at which point you reached into my shirt again and flicked my nipples hard. This was much more painful that the pinching and I gasped loudly in surprise at the intensity, which caused my orgasm to immediately fade. You noticed and asked and I explained that sharp pain can cause me to lose my focus on the pleasure that you allow me. I also shared that I was worried about my ability to tolerate pain and that I hoped you would go slow with me, which you reassured me you would.

We headed to lunch at the restaurant of your choice and you told me it would be your treat, a gesture which made me smile and feel spoiled. At lunch we enjoyed chatting about a wide variety of topics; again the conversation was easy and flowing. You rolled your eyes in amusement and frustration at my tendency to talk too loudly when excited, which you have to continually correct and I suggested a gag for the future. You thought perhaps a shock collar. You let me sit next to you in the booth and kept a hand on me or had me put my leg over yours so we were always physically connected throughout the meal. You fed me again. At one point you decided to briefly exposed my tits in this crowded dining room, which made me literally squirm and protest as the hostess was scanning the room in boredom. You put my hands flat on the table and made me cum, feeling my body shake against yours, your power over me, telling me to squeeze your hand so I could stay quiet.

After lunch you walked me to my car and backed me against it, grabbing me by the hair (which I love) and pulling my head so far back, it felt like all I could see was the blue autumn sky and your dark eyes. You bit me again, I will have to see if I have marks this morning. Then you flipped me around and pulled my shoulders back, pinning them behind me alternating with rubbing them in massage. The massage felt fantastic as my muscles are tight from the heavy workouts I do. You told me that soon you would restrain me like that, shoulders pinned back, chest thrust forward. Then you looked around the parking lot, which was surrounded by office buildings on all sides and, although not full, was busy with cars and people going by every few minutes. You pulled my shirt open, which I thought would again be for a second only, but instead of caressing, pinching or flicking your play toys, you pressed them hard, against the cold glass window of your car, while you pinned my arms behind me. You arranged my scarf over the sides so that at a very casual glance we would just look like an amorous couple in a slightly inappropriate cuddle but anyone who took a second look or had the right angle would see that you actually had my full, naked breasts squished and exposed while you held me down. I scanned the windows of the building around me, while I took in the sensation of the smooth cold glass on my now tender nipples and felt your strong hands on me, pushing me down, placing me as you wanted me, using me. I don’t know how long I was held like that, probably no where near as long as it felt. You released me and I covered myself and dove back into your arms and you held me and stroked my hair, then buried your hand in it and pulled my head up, telling me to kiss your cheeks again, which I did so, feeling so soft, Owned, controlled. I loved how you pushed me and yet were there for me afterwards.

We said our goodbyes and I sat in the car for a bit to collect my thoughts and just relax. I felt exhausted but calm and happy. There had been so many new things and I enjoyed them so much. I love how you brought together moments of shock, pain and humiliation with tenderness, affection and pleasure. That is the combination I truly love and find so addicting and exciting. I realized fully how much power you have over me and how you will not hesitate to use it as you wish. A thought which makes me both excited with anticipation and of course, also a little nervous even though I feel great trust in you, My Master. I know you will push me like no other would dare.

Although our physical interactions were incredible throughout the morning, some of the things we talked about were equally important and appreciated by me. Several times while hiking you mentioned my play partner, as I had told you that I had notified him that I was no longer available for sex. I was uncertain about how to react as you never spoke or asked about him before. You reflected on that stage in our relationship, stating that you felt that it was only after that error and almost losing you that I deepened my submission or as you put it you “set the hook”. Talking about that time is very emotional for me and my eyes filled with tears thinking about how I could so easily have never even had these experiences with you because of my impulsivity and poor sexual self control. You understand that your Slave needs to continue to work on self control and receive firm correction and consequences for her errors. Also you brought up that you had been chatting with a new woman on Tinder and told me about her, her BDSM interests, showed me your texts and that you had suggested she stop by for lunch if she was interested in meeting us. Sadly she was clear in her desire for a monogamous relationship with a potential Dom but I thanked you for your transparency about your continued pursuit of other women either for casual play or for you to take as another sub/gf. I’m glad we are talking about that and your honesty and openness really helps me feel safe and connected to you which reduces my inevitable anxiety about my role as you take on new relationships in the coming weeks and months.

It was an amazing morning spent in service and play with My Master. I thank you for your attention and for continuing to choose me for your Slave. I thank you for the delicious lunch and the many orgasms, My Master. My goal is your happiness, My Lord, and your use of me fills me with pleasure. I hope soon you will choose to fill me with your cum as well, I can’t wait to have access to your whole body and hope you will allow me to lavish you with my service, attention and affection, knowing you can take whatever pleasure you desire from your Property with just a word.

Update 11/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Thinking back, what 10 months

*Screenshot of our original conversation after Matching on an online dating site*

Did you think you would be here then?”

Never in a thousand years did I imagine a relationship as wonderful as this, My Master

I didn’t know anything

About myself

About what I was capable of

About serving a true Master

I’m so very lucky to have been chosen by you, My Lord

“True

And thank you for being open to such a relationship”

I think of all the boring, inexperienced Doms I could have ended up with

Yuck

“You would have Dominated him within a month

Or Less”

Yep 🙂 🙂 🙂

I feel safe with you, My Master

Your Dominance is natural to you and yet you have developed it and educated yourself

I think I present some challenges but that will just keep you interested, My Master

They are also opportunities

“Challenges are good

Plus your Huntress nature is just whip cream on an already yummy cake”

Homecoming

It has been a challenging month as we edge closer to the end of a challenging year…but as you say, challenges are good, My Master. I have not been writing the blog as I had an abrupt increase in my work responsibilities that required me to work longer hours and also be isolated from my family and friends. I also was working though a period of feeling distant from you, uncertain of your interest in me outside of as a trophy and a potential source of group sex, insecure about whether we were truly a good match and if either of us would be satisfied in our dynamic.

As I have observed many times over the past ten months, when there is tension in our relationship, the first thing to go for me are the command orgasms, followed by the desire to submit. Acts of submission are uncomfortable, unnatural and anxiety provoking when I don’t feel sure about being your Slave, like praying when your heart is full of doubt. I stopped praying when I was 12 because I hated that feeling of being fake. But I still went to church and sat politely in the pew, because that was expected of me and I knew my role. Similarly I have never stopped kneeling, following the rules and performing our Rituals everyday regardless if my heart is in them because I respect my role as your Slave which I have agreed to and in my opinion this is part of it. The discipline, consistency and dedication to keep getting on your knees for your Dom even when it isn’t easy, when you don’t feel connected, when you feel stupid and unhappy and lost.

Because we are adults and we have both worked hard on building communication in this relationship we were able to talk about what was going on. It is the same pattern we have seen multiple times now. You get stressed, bored, distracted, busy and withdraw your energy and attention. I notice immediately (like any good needy little sub), try to give you space, wait for you to come back, get panicky when you don’t, increase my acts of service hoping to gain your attention and praise. When that doesn’t work I feel rejected, hurt and angry, suspicious that you have found another sub who is more interesting, scared that I am going to get hurt even worse. So I then withdraw to protect myself, no longer feel safe, no longer able to submit with my whole heart because I am not sure of my place with you. This is all worsened a thousand fold by high stress in both our lives, lack of privacy limiting direct communication and a lot of uncertainty about what our relationship will even look like when we meet in real life. I freely admit that I am highly sensitive to feeling rejected right now as I am struggling with feeling undesired and rejected in my marriage.

We talked and we listened to each other. I asked you to please let me know when you need to step back because you are stressed and overwhelmed. That feels better for me and it is a normal thing to need a break. Being a Dom requires a lot of energy; it’s okay to not always have that. If I don’t know the reason for the changes in you, I will assume it is something wrong with me, that I am displeasing you in some way, that you are looking to replace me and that those feelings are damaging to the dynamic. Since that conversation things have improved immensely. You were reassuring that you don’t want to release me from your service. I explained why I was no longer orgasming on your command and my general lack of submissive feelings at that time. After few days of increased effort on both sides at attending to the relationship we had a good session where you re-established your dominance and control over me, calling me on video chat, putting me on my knees and then on my belly on the floor in obedience and worship of you, My Master. I had been waiting for you to do it as part of your duties as the Dominant and necessary to the healing of the breach in our dynamic. It was beautiful to feel that connection to you again, My Master. To kneel and obey My Master, safe in the knowledge that I am chosen to serve him. That he sees and values my dedication and the gift of my submission is not worthless.

Then both our worlds got crazy as you entered the last phases of preparing to return home and I was swept up in the stress of life. And suddenly it’s here, you’re on the doorstep, a few days away from being local. You have decided when and where we will meet, have told me in advance that you plan to use your FC1 at minimum and that all your FC should be available, with FC3 to be stuffed with the Hush. You have asked about my feelings and I am of course, nervous and preoccupied. I know you will like me, My Master, I am not worried about that. I know that the sex part will be fine and I’m fairly confident that I will feel submissive to you in real life. Although there is a tiny part that can’t help but think, what if I don’t feel it? What if I don’t have an urge to submit to this man in the flesh? Then what? I’m sure you are smiling now, My Master, at such a silly idea.

What I am more concerned about is everything outside the sexual aspect of our BDSM dynamic. The parts of you that you have not shared much but which you cannot hide if we are going to spend time together doing more that just kinky sex (and I am so much looking forward to the kinky sex!). We are sort of in a 24/7 thing, My Master, which is easy to maintain when we are just texting and exchanging sexy pics and nasty porn clips but how about when we spend four hours together having lunch and watching a movie? This is where I have no experience with how to act as your sub and also your friend and lover. I hope that you will be patient with me as we figure out that part, who we are to each other outside of the sex and kink and how we interact. It’s okay that we don’t have an answer to that and it will take some time because in that aspect of things we are just beginning, even though other parts of our relationship are so intense and well developed.

So meeting you is a strange and new thing for me, My Master. I have never been in a long distance relationship before and just that part, meeting someone I have been talking to for almost a year would be nerve wracking enough. But for it to be My Master, a man I have given so much power to, a man I have longed for, a man I have dreams and hopes about, a man that I respect and desire…well, of course, I am a mess. But also excited and hopeful. The only way out is through and I cannot wait for this week to go by. I long for the moment I can be with you, be claimed by you in the flesh and for everything to begin.

Weekly Update 10/5/20-10/11/20

Posted on by Avertas

The alarm went off and I started to cum before I even recognized what was happening, My Master

“LOL”

Very programmed kind of feeling

Strange and a little disturbing and erotic, My Master

“I am sure it was a bit more than a little disturbing”

Yes, it gave me pause, My Master

Those are the most dangerous games we play, My Lord

“O”

Letting you control and influence my mind so heavily

“Letting me?

Or….

Am I providing you the Freedom to explore different depths of things?”

I freely serve you, My Master

I am letting you help me explore the depths, My Master

I couldn’t be here without your help

It is entirely consensual and deeply appreciated, My Wolf

But there are moments my heart sinks, realizing how deep I really am

How vulnerable I am

“Cum

Your heart sinks….

Or your heart races with the fear of hurt I am capable of wrecking”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I am a survivor, My Master

I am not afraid

But I know that I can be hurt badly now

If that is how things go, My Master….

“Cum

Why does your heart sink?”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

When I realize I have entered a deeper level of submission to you, it tends to bring on anxiety bc of how I still feel like I don’t really know you, My Master

This is followed by resignation and acceptance that it doesn’t matter

Bc I am owned by you regardless

“Thank you, My Pet

Yes

You are

How does that make you feel?”

It’s kind of this “Oh, shit” moment, My Master

Like, well, this just got more serious, AGAIN

“Lol, I have been exposing you to more of my friends”

I just suck at not submitting to you, My Master

I should really try to hold back

Wait until we meet

Wait until things are more clear

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

But I can’t stop

“Strong, I bet”

Mmmm, yes, you can feel it too, My Master

We’re connected, My Master

I don’t know how or why

Bullet points of Brutal Honesty

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary. It was weird but the dinner was great. He’s trying really hard but neither of us know what is going to happen in this marriage and that makes me sad. It’s not your fault.

You continue to seem preoccupied with me bringing you another female sub which makes me worried that you don’t actually really want to fuck me, you just see me as a conduit to having threesomes. I have had this problem in the past when men find out I am bisexual. They suddenly think it is impossible for me to be jealous or feel threatened by other women because I must just find them attractive, like a dude, right? That is not the case. I do like other women and I want to fuck some of them. That doesn’t mean I suddenly only want to have threesomes with the men I care about or have no problems with them telling me how hot other women are or how much they would enjoy fucking these other women. I know those things are true, of course. I also think other men are hot and want to fuck them. I don’t constantly tell the men I care about these thoughts because it would hurt them and make them feel insecure. Even as a bisexual, it just gets hard to hear about it almost exclusively because I start to feel like I am disappearing and the man’s attention and interest is diverted from connecting with and sexually engaging with me as an individual. I understand that is complicated and confusing because I do want to have threesomes and group sex and I like women. Essentially, I really enjoy threesomes. I don’t want a relationship that is only about threesomes. I need to feel like the man wants to have sex with “just me” too.

I mentioned having a fantasy about an attractive young coworker (female) and you are frequently bringing it up now as if it will actually become a reality. I don’t know if you are just enjoying the fantasy of it or you really think I would seduce a young female coworker, who has given no indication of being interested in women or being kinky. This makes me nervous about your judgement and ability to help me maintain healthy and safe boundaries at work around my sexual behaviors. But I’m scared to ask you if you really are serious about it because I think you will find me boring and unadventurous if I do. Or maybe you are just fantasizing and I’m reading too much into it…I don’t know.

We are training me to cum when you tell me in response to an alarm, using voice suggestion/commands which has been fairly successful. I find this both enjoyable and disturbing as it bothers me how dependent and automatically responsive I have become to your presence and commands. You are extremely important to me; much of my day revolves around you and Tasks I do for you. When it doesn’t I feel bored and restless. When I don’t hear from you I start to wonder what you are doing, who you are talking to and I have to remind myself I have no claim on you or your time. You spend a lot of time and energy on me. I feel like I am too needy.

I told you not to call me “it”, partly because I strongly identify with femininity right now and I prefer to be “she/her”….but also because I know another slave of yours likes being called “it” and I don’t want you to blur us together in your mind. Also, I feel that I am superior to her, which is elitist of me but true.

I spent more time with your friend, which I enjoyed very much, and he told me that no matter what happens between you and I, that he wants to stay my friend. That made me nervous because I feel like your friends like me but don’t think it will work out between us for some reason. I worry that I’m too different from your other subs, that I’m not the “right” kind of sub because I am a switch and bisexual and married and older and COMPLICATED. I tried to get more information out of him about you but he wouldn’t say much that I didn’t already know from my own experiences with you. You also have acknowledged that I am different from your previous submissive, which I appreciate you admitting but also I worry that I am too different and you won’t like me.

You sent me a lovely message describing me as your rock and thanking me for my devotion to you. I was touched that you shared such recognition of my dedication to you and this dynamic. I also felt like there was no mention of actually wanting me on a personal level however, which was troubling to me. I told my friend “I would prefer that he was obsessed with my beauty and sex appeal and couldn’t wait to strip me naked and fuck me into oblivion but I guess I’ll take helpful and healthy (meh)”. My friend double dared me to send that to you and I actually did but got scared and unsent it before you saw it because I was so happy that you shared any of your feelings about me and I didn’t want to discourage you from doing it again by being critical. I do worry that you don’t really find me sexually attractive even though you value my intellect, dedication and emotional support.

In summary I have used the words worried, disturbed, insecure, anxious, needy and scared multiple times in this post. Boy, aren’t long distance relationships fun, My Master. I also have been touched, aroused, challenged, amused, flattered and reassured by you this week. Please don’t take my brutal honesty here as being critical of you. I’m sorry that I can’t be more light hearted about things right now. I want you here very badly. I want you to come to me and claim me and make this all real. I know when you get here and I am able to be with you I will finally be at peace at your feet. It gets so hard to keep waiting, My Lord, but I do. I wait and I wait for you.

Addendum Weekly Update

Posted on by Avertas

I’m just kinda keeping it low key

And watching to see how he handles this situation with this woman

“goood”

I don’t really have any other options

I feel very distant from him right now

And that is sad

“that’s unfortunate”

He hasn’t even noticed

Which is good

I don’t want him to know how I’m feeling about things just yet

This is the good thing about always texting

It makes it much easier to pretend everything is okay

🙂 🙂 🙂

^^^See?

Self Care Mantra

It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!

My whole self Needs are equally important.

I will work in unison with those I love to find solutions that respect my Needs and Desires.

After finishing the blog this morning I went to the gym. My mind kept running over the same thoughts I have been grappling with the past week or so, My Master. I know you are unaware of them. When I left the gym, I was on the brink of tears. I voice messaged a friend in distress, who called immediately and talked through everything with me. What I realized is that I need to be more honest with you about my feelings regarding adding another sub to our dynamic.

I am a newbie to BDSM. I have never been seriously restrained, been hit with an implement or degraded in person. I have no idea how I will respond to those things and others when they happen in real life. I have never met you and yet I have a strong attachment to you. I still feel that there is so much I don’t know about you and when you do things I don’t understand or think are wise it throws me completely into doubt and fear because I immediately start to think about what else I don’t know about you and how vulnerable I am. I hate feeling like this. It is not typical for me at all and I believe it is due to the many strange things about our relationship.

When you return and we meet in person, I need time to get to know you. I need to feel safe, have privacy and develop trust. I need your undivided attention as we grow our dynamic and we figure out my limits and interests. Right now, I don’t feel ready to jump right into a multiple person BSDM dynamic full time. I really enjoy threesomes and initially we talked about how we would have occasional fun adventures but that has morphed into something different recently that you are very excited and enthusiastic about. Pretty much everything you have sent me over the past few weeks has focused intensely on this theme of having multiple subs so I know how important this is to you, which is why I have been scared to show how uncomfortable it is making me. I have been unable to cum for you for the past two days, although you have not noticed that I stopped thanking you for the orgasms. This is always a sign of difficulties in our relationship for me.

I fully understand that you need multiple submissives to have your needs met and I have no interest in limiting that. Of course, I encourage you to continue your hunt for the perfect gf/slave. I do want to explore group play with you when I am ready and I know that will be exciting and fun. I am feeling overwhelmed and not attracted to the idea of immediately starting our real life relationship with the constant presence of another submissive in a triad type scenario. I hope that you can understand this request, My Master, and know that it comes from a place of wanting to be honest with you and increase our chances for happiness on your return. I feel terrible that I cannot be more enthusiastic about entering into such a complex dynamic but I feel like it is premature for me and not healthy or well paced for my development as a submissive. Please consider these words and let me know your thoughts when you are ready, My Lord. Please know they come from a place of respect for you and our relationship while attempting to honor my own “whole self Needs”.

Weekly Update 9/20/20-9/27/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Are you alone, Pet”

Yes, My Master

“What are you?”

I am your Property, My Master

“Would my Slave like to push her limits?”

I trust My Master

What do you wish, My Master?

“Stroll to the darkness”

—————————————————-

Phone Play

___________________________________

“I enjoyed that…as you can see”

That is my greatest reward, My Master

Your pleasure

And you taking the time to deepen my experience and obedience, My Lord

Piss Play/Watersports

Last week you had told me, ever so casually, to keep some leggings or pants in my garage, without explaining to me the reason why. Then you asked me to notify you if I was out walking my dog alone. I obviously suspected that you were looking for an opportunity to explore more piss play with your Slave. You had me piss myself once previously in my backyard, which you prefer to do outside for ease of cleanliness. My reaction to that adventure was fairly benign and I was open to further such play.

That night I was out walking my dog alone, as my husband was on a date with his girlfriend. It had been a nice evening and we had been chatting off and on over text. It was a beautiful, cool evening and my neighborhood was very quiet. I didn’t see anyone about as walked up and down the dark streets. I sent you a selfie on a whim. When you realized I was alone, you immediate asked me if I wanted to push my limits…which of course, who would refuse such an offer from their Dom? I figured I knew what was coming and mentally prepared myself, trying to get in a relaxed and open state of mind most conducive to submission for me. You told me to find a dark spot, and I did, tucked away in some thick shrubs near a dark house, where all the lights were off.

You called me and in your firm voice ordered me to kneel in the grass. My dog was confused at first but settled down and rested next to me with some gentle encouragement. You told me to repeat the Identify Mantra, which I was embarassed to admit I didn’t have memorized. I did know the “Grounding” Mantra, as I do it daily during the week, so you had me repeat it softly out loud while on my knees. You interrupted me to order me to cum, which I did, my voice faltering slightly, which you immediately corrected, firmly commanding me to continue my Mantra. It was very dark and you couldn’t see my face as I tried to remember the words to chant while you made me cum again. You paused then and told me to try and piss myself, feel the wetness and warmth dripping down my legs. I tried to comply but my body, accustomed to peeing in a sitting position, was uncooperative and confused. I finally was able to release a small amount of urine and felt it soaking into my panties and leggings. You asked me if I had been obedient to your commands and I was proud to be able to tell you that I had been. You praised me and told me to keep reciting my Mantra as you again made me cum, this time in my piss soaked clothing. Your voice filled with a dark glee as you pointed out how no one would believe that a woman like me, so professional, so polished, would ever agree to piss and cum all over herself kneeling in the grass.

You told me to get up and resume walking, now with a dark stain over my crotch and ass, starting to get cold against my skin in the fall air. Luckily the night was dark and my neighborhood remained deserted as I led my dog up the hill where you told me again to try and piss while still walking. This proved too complicated for my body, despite my willingness to try and you were understanding. We kept chatting and you would occasionally order me to cum until you stopped me under a streetlight and had me stand there and pee on myself again. This time I was able to release much more and I felt again the warmth and the wetness spreading down my legs as the piss gushed out. You praised me and after a few more minutes released me from the call after checking in that I was feeling okay and not upset or in distress, which I was not. As soon as I closed out the call, I was met with a pic of your hard cock and a text saying how you had enjoyed yourself. I so appreciate that feedback from you when we play, My Master. Knowing that you have also enjoyed our time together is very important and erotic for me. I walked the rest of the way home, pants wet, wondering if the cars passing by could tell as they flashed their bright lights at me.

My husband was staying out late so no one was home when I got back. I put the dog in her kennel, peeled off the wet clothes and threw in a load of laundry. I started a warm shower and while the water beat down on me I thought about what had just happened. I realized I was feeling overall happy, probably because I enjoy the rare pleasure of playing with you and hearing your voice and, as a Slave, I enjoyed being obedient, pleasing you with my behavior and being praised. The piss play itself I don’t find particularly humiliating surprisingly. I don’t know if it’s because of my previous real life experiences with raising children or my work but I didn’t struggle with any deep feelings of reluctance or hesitation when you told me to piss myself. I also didn’t have that strong feeling of external dominance and submitting to control because of that. I don’t know if other types of piss play, like having someone else pee on me etc would be more shocking and therefore more exciting for me. I appreciate having this exposure and an opportunity to reflect on it. I continue to be interested in this kink as I feel there is “something there” that could be very arousing for me, I just don’t know yet exactly what it is.

Weekly Update 9/6/20-9/13/20

Posted on by Avertas

I think it is becoming too strong, My Master

You need space and freedom

“No such thing, My Pet.”

I need to not make myself vulnerable to too much emotional suffering in response to your normal and healthy needs

I am being unrealistic, which is unlike me, My Master

And I apologize for that

“I have too much space…..Freedom is also not a reality for the next few months”

I am not asking to leave your service, My Master

It is not time for that

Your happiness is my goal, My Master

***Master attempts to call***

I can’t talk to you right now, My Master

Please just consider it, My Lord

…..

Do you feel that you understand why I am asking for this, My Master?

“Yes.

Personal and emotional self-protetion.

As I have become something that you never intended but hoped for”

Yes, My Master

“What are you”

I am your Property, My Master

“Good girl

And…

….”

I don’t know what you want me to say, My Master

I am just stuck and I see no way out

Hard Truths

This has been a difficult week for your Slave, My Master. I have been supporting various friends emotionally through crisis, working my busy, full time job, followed up with my surgeon who cleared me for more intense exercise, which I have begun and of course, my responsibilities for my household and my family. These are the normal responsibilities I carry along with my service to you. I am an energetic and strong person and can usually meet the needs of everyone consistently if not gracefully, but this week there were added emotional struggles that overwhelmed me at times. At least two days this week I struggled with significant depressed mood, frequent tearfulness, irritability, and urges to flee from and avoid you, my Tasks and my other duties to work, husband and family. I fantasized about living alone, doing as I pleased, having a freedom I will never have in this life to seek amusement, pleasure, connection, knowledge in my own way and with whomever I chose. Of course, I would never act on such dreams. I am so loved and needed by everyone. I have made myself such beautiful golden chains, My Master.

In response to my mood, I reached out to my friend/former lover, who has been chatting with me quite a bit recently, asking to meet me again, which you did give permission for us to see each other platonically. He agreed to that, however did text me yesterday morning that he was horny and thinking of me drinking his cum, so I’m less confident that he will adhere to the “platonic” aspect of resuming contact. In any case, I told I was feeling depressed and he launched into a long and supportive text conversation reminding me that I have the perfect life. That I’m well off and beautiful with a loving family and a rewarding job. That he has met very few people like me etc etc, blah blah blah. Of course you know that this did absolutely nothing other than add feeling guilty to being depressed, My Master. Guilty that I dare to be less than content and fulfilled with such an abundance around me. But even it is greedy and selfish of me, the truth is that I am not fulfilled. I often do not feel cherished and loved. I am suspicious that others use me for their own purposes. I don’t think that anyone really understands me or cares about me. I don’t trust others and don’t want to share with them my emotional suffering.

Some of what has made me more insecure this week is that you began discussing taking on a 24/7 submissive upon return to home. Intellectually and rationally I am fully in support of you having a girl friend and primary sub. You are single and it is natural and normal for you to want to have a companion and lover to be with every day. It cannot be me because I have other roles to play at this time in my life. So I am left in limbo, knowing that I long to serve you, to explore with you, to deepen our connection even further, but also knowing that I am unlikely to have that opportunity as obviously, anyone who is lucky enough to be in that role will demand the position of first for your attention, affection, time and connection, as they should. And that is said without a hint of anger or resentment, My Master. I truly want you to be happy. You are an amazing Dom and man and should have a primary submissive who can be what you need and deserve. You should be free to explore that dynamic and grow without me in the way complicating things for you.

My feelings are intense and conflicted at this point, My Master. I don’t want to leave you, I want every second I can have at your feet. But I am not a robot or made of stone. Quite the contrary, I am an emotional person, empathic and responsive. I have thought of perhaps taking another play partner as a way to distract myself and perhaps lessen my dependence on you. I thought of pulling back in my frequency of communication to you, sort of cooling off and giving you more space, but I doubt I could follow through with it. The second you asked for me, I will be at your command. The second you say, kneel, I drop to my knees. The second you say, cum, I feel waves of pleasure spreading from your clit. I am your Property, My Master.

I am troubled and anxious and uncertain of the future. I do not like feeling like this and these are not emotions I have much experience with. My natural instinct is always toward action, but there is no action for me here other than to wait and see and hope and try to believe you when you say that you have chosen me and we will find a way. You know I am preparing myself to lose you. I have been preparing myself for that from the beginning, I suppose. The more I care for you, the more I let you in, the more I submit to you and rest under your authority and control, the greater the pain that awaits me. I am chiseling away at the boulder that will crush me someday. It doesn’t matter though, My Master. Probably in the long run it will be good for me to be crushed and hardened. I am such a stupid Mutt to ruin things with useless feelings, My Wolf. I will strive to get myself under control, stay in the moment, learn from you and enjoy the time you are able to give me, My Master. That is one of the hard lessons I need to learn. I am not going to be able to have everything I want and that is okay. It is also okay for me to privately mourn for that which is not possible but for which I will always long.

Weekly Update 8/31/20-9/6/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good Morning, Slave,

How is my property feeling this morning?”

Much better after actually sleeping eight hours, My Master

Thank you for sending me to bed 🙂

“Was she obedient last night and went bed as instructed?”

Yes My Master and I slept really well, thank you

“Of course

How did that make you feel?”

A little silly bc obviously I knew I needed to go to bed early, My Master

But at the same time…

“Knowing and Doing are drastically different things”

It did force me to actually do it and not just goof around and get distracted, My Master

Bc I probably would have gone to bed around 1130 on my own, My Master

And I felt cared about

By you

Bc you were paying attention to me and helping me take better care of your Property, My Master

“Cum, My Pathetic Property”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“My Property to Use”

Yes, My Master, use, abuse, shape, punish, reward

As you have already begun, My Master

I wonder if it will be even better in person

It’s going to be intense, My Master

I can’t wait

“You will be much better at begging in person, my fuck toy”

I have no doubt that I will be motivated to beg as I have never been before, My Master

Bc no one has ever treated me the way that you do

And no one else is allowed to, My Wolf

But you may push me to the limit

I am yours, My Lord

Influence, Dominance, Control

So insidious are your ways, My Master. Even your tenderness has an edge hiding in it somewhere…this week you ever so subtly expanded your control over me. I’m such a visual person; in my mind when I give over something to your control it’s like a soft grey blanket that creeps over the landscape of my life, slowly covering more and more under your influence. Warm and quiet and soft in those areas of my life under that blanket, because I no longer have to try so hard there. In those parts of my life I can rest now. You will decide and tell me what to do. All I have to do is listen and obey. It feels so good and yet, it frightens me at times, how I keep falling deeper into submission to you, how I keep welcoming it.

First you told me that you wanted me to pick up some quarter cup bras to wear when I am with you. Bras that would leave the breasts pushed up but with nipples uncovered and visible beneath my clothing. Of course, I agreed, but told you I had to wait until my bra size stabilized after my recent surgical upgrades. Then you began sending me images of women in specific outfits. Dresses that unzipped down their entire length, either in the front or the back, wrap dresses held together with a single tie, backless body suites that would have to be worn braless, low cut, surplice tops that open easily to the waist, blouses made of sheer materials, crop tops tied on by only thin straps, skin tight leather pants. Of course, I quickly realized the goals of this project and, like a good Slave, I happily found dresses and blouses online and sent them to you for your approval before purchasing them.

I am sure you know that I love this new element of being dressed like your doll. I love clothing and fashion and looking beautiful. I love feeling like an object, a treasured, decorated, OWNED object. The clothing you have picked is so provocative. I love the thought of the jealous, hateful glares of the women, who will be thinking “That Slut, she’s too old to be dressed like that; she just wants attention”. I love the thought of the men who will watch my every move with hunger in their eyes, turning their heads to watch me pass, trying to hide it from their wives and girlfriends, shifting in their seats as they notice my hard nipples pushing against the thin, light fabric of the blouse you have chosen. But most of all I love the thought of your hand on the small of my back guiding me, your amused smirk at the reaction I create, the firm grip of your hand on my wrist as you lead me, your dark eyes leaving me with only confidence that if this is how you wish me to look, then that is the right and best way, of course. That whatever beauty I have to offer is yours to claim and to display at your pleasure.

And the excitement of not knowing how you will use your Property, made so enticing and so easily exposed at your command. You might have me pinch and twist my nipples before we leave the car, to make sure they are hard and noticeable. How easily it will be to have me open my blouse and expose my breasts for you at a book store or park. You could slide one hand inside my wrap dress and stroke your FC2 while we wait in a quiet booth for a late lunch. You could unzip my dress and leave me in just heels and thigh highs in the back row of a movie theatre and force me to stay like that, open, exposed. Or force me to get on my hands and knees on the dirty floor with my dress opened so you could rest your legs for a bit. You could plug your FC3 with a hook tied to my waist and bring me to a gas station in the late hours of the night, leaving enough exposed above the waist band of my skirt that those who know about such things would understand what had been done to me and what I am. I am your Property, My Master, your three hole, fuck cunt playground. I am your Slave.

You have also discussed more permanent decoration and marking of your Slave, including a small tattoo or a piercing with tags indicating my status. I am not particularly interested in tattoos but find the idea of a piercing more intriguing. You have asked me to look up and consider a piercing of FC2 at some point in the future. Personally, I would prefer a piercing of the inner labia, which looks attractive and would not interfere with or exaggerate my sexual sensations. It would be intensely erotic for me to be tagged in such a way with your initials, the word “Slave” or “Owned” or similar. Of course, my body is not just used by you, My Master and as such, there would have to be a discussion with my husband about his thoughts and feelings about such a change. It is delicate work being so strongly connected to two such different men.

You have also begun to gently explore controlling other aspects of my life. In the past you have tried to limit how much time I spend at work, which is interesting but difficult as I don’t have a lot of control over problems which can arise at work and have to be dealt with regardless of the time. This week you gave me a firm time I needed to be off of the internet and a bedtime after a rough week of little sleep due to illness, work duties and insomnia. It did help me to have that external requirement to guide me as I am obedient to you in all things. I appreciated you checking in on how I felt about it the next morning. I felt a little demeaned and childish, a little cared for and a lot grateful for your help. As usual, your response was to claim the whole thing and tell me that henceforth, you would be giving me bedtimes on “schoolnights” to help make sure your Property wasn’t staying up too late, a habit that has given you some concern in the past. This pattern is so typical to you, My Master that I wasn’t even surprised. You often take a little bite of something, see if we like it and then, if I do, you grab the whole cake without a seconds hesitation. I love that boldness about you, My Master; I find that confidence very appealing.

A Test

I have a former lover, now friend, who I dated last fall, prior to ever meeting you, My Master. You are aware of him and knew that we continued to communicate through text. This relationship was one of my first outside of my marriage and this man became very attached to me. So much so that he admitted he had come to both “love and hate me” because he had to accept that he would never be able to fully have me as his primary partner. He is an intense and emotional person, a romantic and going through a difficult time in his personal life. He pulled back on the sexual and romantic aspects of our relationship, which I understood and accepted and we remained friends. Despite the end of quarentine, we have not met again in real life, although continue to update each other on our life events, chatting about our children, our work and our various relationships. He finds my lifestyle fascinating and struggles to understand how my husband can allow me the freedom he does. This man is aware of our relationship and that I would need approval from you to see him again, which he finds bizarre. He is vanilla, although has a dominant personality and is sexually dominant. He is one of the reasons I realized I enjoy being dominated, actually.

Over the past few months he has intermittently dropped hints about wanting to take me out again, both to see me and to have sex. He has admitted that I surprised him with my sexual energy and drive and he misses my attention, humor and affection. I have never approached you about seeing him again because I did not want to upset you or cause distress and drama in our relationship. It was not worth it to me and I have focused all my energy on proving to you my dedication and rebuilding your trust in me, My Master. I continually put him off despite him asking if I had talked to you about it and “gotten a permission slip” as he puts it. The other night he texted me late. I knew he had been drinking and was lonely and probably depressed. He was very open about my being one of the most important people in his life right now, someone he feels he can trust. He misses me and doesn’t understand why we can’t meet. I reminded him of what had happened in my relationship with you when I had taken another play partner and that I was being very careful. He offered to just meet as friends, reassuring me that he could control himself. And that is true, My Master, he has excellent self control when he wants to.

So I have finally approached you about it and you were surprised that I had delayed it for so long. I explained that I had done so because at times I find your reactions to my outside relationships unpredictable. It’s very important to me that I not do anything, even accidentally, that upsets you or takes us backwards in terms of the trust and repair we have made in the past several months. Especially as we both begin getting ready to finally meet in person. You were surprised by the term “unpredictable” but that is how I feel. I have mixed messages from you about other men. You want them to look at me and desire me but at the same time you call me an attention whore and a flirt. You want me to make friends in the lifestyle but you become anxious that I might seduce them or disobey you. You remind me “FBNF”, “Forgiven but not Forgotten”, in reference to my past failings. Of course, I am going to be reluctant to bring you my struggles and worries about the desires and demands of other men, My Master. I don’t want to do anything that might make you uncertain or anxious about my dedication to you as your Slave.

All this has been on my mind at the same time, I felt like I was being cruel and rude to my friend. So I finally felt forced into the position of asking you for guidance about what I should do next or risk really losing this friendship. You have graciously given me permission to see him again, strictly platonically, which is fine with me. I know that you will be watching me like a hawk to ensure that I don’t slip into any inappropriate behaviors with this man and I understand and accept why. I know he won’t understand the difficulties he is putting me through, and I am sure much of our conversation when we meet again will be trying to explain to him why I kneel to you and allow these restrictions. Of course I don’t need to explain those things to myself or to you. I know to my core how much you bring to my life. The pleasure, peace, excitement, challenge and understanding that I cannot get from anyone else. You are a rare and unique man and I am so happy being your Pet, your P.S.S. I promise that I will not be tempted away from my happy place, My Master. I would rather be here at your feet than anyplace else in the world.

Weekly Update 8/24/20-8/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I know you will love to see me crawling and crying and begging you to let me cum, My Master

“Mmmmm

Begging for her Owner to use his Property”

Yes, not so pretty and polished then

“Begging to hump his foot just for a sample of her Lord”

The real me, Slave *Real Name*

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

I want you so bad, My Master

This longing is terrible

“It’s lovely

Builds

Pet”

“Have you ever longed for another like this?”

Never, My Master

I have always just been in the moment and taken what I wanted

Or induced someone to take me, My Master

“And, now this situation”

It’s crazy and wonderful, My Master

“Just like sitting on command like a good mutt.

O

I mean cumming on command”

You want to hear a secret, My Master?

“Only if you want to share it”

Sometimes I get scared that as much as I hate this distance, this will be the best part

Bc this is really good

And I feel like things will get so complicated

“Is that a secret

Or

A secret fear”

A secret fear, My Master

…………………….

“Kneel”

Yes, My Master

“Back strait.

Tits out.”

“What are you?”

“Cum”

“….waiting”

I am your Property, My Master

“Who are you?”

“Cum”

I am Slave *Real Name*

“What is your purpose?

“Cum”

To serve you, My Master

“Good girl

Then let go of your fear”

Yes, My Master

“I am.

Who I am”

“Your Master

Your Owner

Your User”

“Cum”

Thank you for the orgasms, My Master

“Go to bed.

Sleep and rest”

Claimed

When you say that I have always been a Slave, that I just didn’t know it, that I hadn’t met you, My Owner, yet. I sigh and roll my eyes and yet a little part of me loves it. I am a practical woman, a woman of action, decision and problem solving. I am not prone to daydreams, nor do I believe in mystical powers, eternal connections or deities of any type. The idea of belonging to you before I even knew you is a romantic one. I admit it makes me smile and think you are ridiculous and yet also I love to hear you say it.

This week you were approached again by a local Dom on Fet, seeking my assistance with his rambunctious young Sub. He had also messaged me, asking if he had gotten me in trouble by approaching me initially (he had not, of course as this was prior to putting up the announcement that all inquiries as to my potential use were to go directly to my Owner). I informed him that as an Owned Slave it was proper for him to address My Master about my use, rather than myself directly. It gave me a dirty thrill to write those words. That little cringey, subby feeling that I get when I do or say something particularly “Slave”, especially if it comes from something I am doing or chosing to do myself without your direct instruction. Enslaving myself, I guess you would say. Truly embracing my Slave nature.

For example, the other day, we had been texting after work and I told you I was going into the store to grab a few things, knowing that sometimes you give me Tasks to do there. You were surprised and pleased (perhaps?) that I had done so, pointing out that it was Slave behavior, to check if My Master wanted to use me for his amusement in my day to day life. More and more I am drawn to such behavior, My Master. It goes against all the qualities I champion as an independent, professional, highly educated woman who did not look to her father for guidance and sees her husband as her equal. It is subversive, old fashioned, traditional, something a weak willed, pathetic little girl would do, right, My Master? Look for guidance, seek help, ask for attention, offer herself to be played with. Naughty, naughty…and it turns me on like crazy.

In response to the request for permission to use your Slave by the other Dom (which I assume was denied, as I heard nothing more about it), you casually announced I should change my name on Fet. I had been humbled in the past after breaking your rules by changing my name to one reflecting my lowered status. Now I was to be claimed and recognized. You told me that my devotion was such that you felt ready to make such a change. Of course I was thrilled to be so named and symbolically exonerated (Forgiven but never Forgotten, I remember, My Master). I promise to be worthy of such a gesture, My Master. To continue to demonstrate my devotion and adoration of you through all the ways available to me now to amuse, seduce, flatter and please you and most importantly, to honor your title as my Lord and Master through my honesty, loyalty and obedience.

Gratitude for My Master

I will limit my discussion of the issues occurring in my marriage right now out of respect for privacy but I do want to acknowledge that over the past week I have experienced some challenges in this important relationship. Initially I attributed these to a reaction to my growing identity as a Slave and the coming changes in the next few months as we will be finally together, My Master. But after a lot of communication, I now know that the situation is more personal and complex than that. In the process of working through these issues, I appreciate your support, My Master. Your reminders to stay true to my own path and honor my needs were respectful and needed. In the process of working on my other relationship, I realized how much help and guidance you have given me over the past six months and how much work, time and commitment that takes. It is a major undertaking and one for which I will always be grateful to you, My Lord. You are my first Master and you have shaped me immensely, much for the better, in my opinion.

You have opened my mind to many new sexual ideas and kinks that before felt too scary or gross to acknowledge my interest. You have gently banished prudery and helped me process shame. You have pushed my limits time and time again (and I know that this is only the tip of the iceberg!). You have taken the time and mental energy to build an intense psychological connection between us, so that I, despite my independence and personal authority, look to you now in times of uncertainty. You have inspired me with your experience and knowledge and I have handed over control of many of my sexual behaviors to you. You have put me on my knees and taught me to serve, both physically and mentally. More and more you are also showing me some tenderness, concern for my health, my sleep, my self care. You gave me a Mantra to focus me during this time and that was very meaningful to me.

In my conversation with my partner, I actually said out loud, “I am so lucky, because I have *Your Real Name* to help me”. I am a lucky girl because everyday I get to be your Pathetic Slut Slave.

Personal Health Mantra

It is not only MY responsibility to find a happy middle ground for all!

MY whole self Needs are equally important.

I will work in union with those I love to find solutions that respect my needs and desires.

Weekly Update 8/8/20-8/15/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Where do you think you would be when with me?”

I think it would depend on many things, My Master

Most importantly where YOU want me to be

“Such as….”

The situation and location, your mood, your wishes and goals for me at the time

“All true

Under…

Kneeling next to….

Under massaging and licking my feet…”

But in my heart I am always at your feet, My Lord

“As is proper.”

“Or melted and adrift if I am unforgiving”

Everything you do effects me, My Master

In one way or another

I am a sensitive person

“And…How much does that scare the crap out of you?

People who feel deeply experience great joy

And also deep hurt

My feelings make me vulnerable and I don’t like that, My Master

So the answer to your question is…a lot, My Master

Healing and Plugged

This week has been quiet, necessitated by my continued semi-invalid state as I recover from surgery. However, as I have slowly healed and my energy has improved I have missed more and more my usual tasks and rituals. You have responded by gradually but gently increasing the simple tasks you have been giving me this week, typically edging or Identify a certain number of times with you telling me in the morning if orgasms are allowed and when. As my orgasms all belong to you, I am used to asking for them, and you have given me a no orgasm day or two this week as well. The last few days I have been wanting more orgasms as I near ovulation and my drive is rising despite the stress of surgery. I was unsure if I had access to my usual “freebies” of two orgasms (unless it is a scheduled no orgasm day of M/W/F). When I asked you today, you told me I did not get any freebies until I returned to work. Its so funny now, that I don’t even think that it is strange to ask you if and when I can orgasm. It has become my “new normal” as you like to say, just like being plugged.

I unplugged right before the surgery. It was strange being unplugged for so long. As I healed I began hoping that you would tell me to plug FC3 again but you were silent on the subject until I finally had to ask when you thought I might be able to be plugged again. You told me noon on Wednesday which ended up being lovely as you were edging me with alternating orgasms on the hour throughout the day. I was home alone at the time and was able to kneel in my quiet, darkened room looking in the mirror. I removed the Njoy from its box, where it had been waiting since the surgery. It is so cold and heavy, such a lovely object. Without hesitation I placed it in my mouth and a shiver of pleasure washed over me. I felt my body sink heavily into Nadu as I sucked gently at your plug, such dirty and regressive act that I find unbelievable soothing and erotic. The smooth surface of the plug and the weight in my mouth felt so familiar and so right, warming quickly in the hot, wetness of FC1.

Finally I pulled it out and holding it at eye level I recited my “Grounding” mantra twice, reminding myself of the importance of always being aware of your feelings, My Master and never acting in a way that harms you or endangers your Ownership of me. Then I dipped the plug in your slippery FC2 for a moment to wet it again and pushed it firmly into your tight FC3. As I had been unplugged for so long, it didn’t pop in as smoothly as it usually does, and I was amused that I had to make a bit of effort to encourage FC3 to spread open and accept your plug. Once it was in place, a deep sense of calm washed over me and I smiled at my reflection in peace and joy. I was plugged again and all was right with the world. I had never felt that I wasn’t Owned this week despite being unplugged so long, but it is a wonderful thing to have the physical sensation as a reminder of my connection to you.

Immediately following the Ritual I remembered I had your permission to have an orgasm. It was perfect timing as I was home alone and already aroused and subby, I pulled out my biggest dildo and the satisfier and went back to the mirror where I put the dildo on the ground and knelt over it while I lowered myself down, filling your FC2 completely. I moaned in pleasure feeling both your holes stuffed at once. I clicked on the satisfier and put it on your clit, the incredible sensations immediately making FC2 even wetter as I began riding up and down the dildo, imagining serving you with another Toy, being allowed by you to kiss her, stroke her hair and breasts, lick and suck her nipples while you watched us play until both of us were dripping with need. I imagined you walking towards us, both kneeling before you and taking your cock out which we would eagerly suck. Imagining our tongues intertwined around your hard cock, I frantically fucked your FC2, bouncing up and down the full length until I came so hard I yelled out loud with pleasure.

You don’t know how badly I want you to be real, My Master. Not perfect, not even the image that I know I have made of you, which is not who you are, I understand that. But I am on my knees to whatever karmic force will listen, begging that the two of us as Master and Slave in real life can be a tenth of what we have imagined together. It has been interesting this week, as you begin discussing buying a property and we talk about birth control requirements and other practical aspects of your return. It is beginning to feel more real, although it is a reality I have trouble trusting. A part of me is still waiting for you to ditch me at the last second which would be devastating. Everything feels so nebulous right now, but I will try to have faith that someday I will feel your heavy hand on my actual flesh and will kneel not to an image, my reflection, a voice on the phone but a real man, My Master, My Lord, My Wolf.

Weekly Update 8/3/20-8/9/20

Posted on by Avertas

“So 100 strokes with Satisfyer and no orgasm?”

Correct, My Master

As Instructed

“Impressed, you have earned freebies

Enjoy”

Well I told you I would be able to

…..

“Wellll..

It seems my Slave DOES have will power when it IS important.”

You are so important to me, My Master

I wish you could forgive my mistake

But I will keep trying to show you how much I regret it and improve

I’ll take my shower now if that’s ok

“Forgive, yes.

Forget, never.”

I understand

Good night, My Master

“Good night, My Treasure”

———————————————————————

Thank you, My Master

Your training is taking effect

“You have a long road ahead of you, My Cunt

Crawling.

Worshiping my body

Cumming on command at parties as you hump my foot or boot”

I am your Property and to be used as pleases you best, My Master

“Good girl”

I put myself in your power to be shaped, used, abused, pleasured but always in service to you

“And, here only a few months ago you did not even believe in Remote Control orgasms

Nor

That you were a slave”

My life has changed so much

It’s not at all what I expected

But here I am

“It is rarely what we expect it to be, My Treasure”

Even so, you draw me like a magnet, My Wolf

Anxiety about the Future; Regret about the Past

At the beginning of the week, before I had my cosmetic surgery, you had me perform one more physical Task for you, a variant of Full, which requires me to fill all your Fuck Cunts at once with dildos for a certain number of strokes, if possible concluding with an orgasm with all the cunts stuffed. This is a technically challenging task and can be unpleasant as you encourage me to practice deep throating with FC1 during it. You have been edging me aggressively for the past few weeks to improve orgasm control amongst other things. To test that control we agreed to add on an extension to the task of 100 strokes in FC3 while using the Satisfier on your clit to see if I would be able to do it without orgasming. You clearly thought I would fail, My Master, while I had complete confidence that I could do it and enjoyed being a little “sassy” to you in response to your doubts. We were texting a bit during the Task and after I announced that I had achieved the goal, I hoped you would take the opportunity to perhaps call me briefly or take over and give me some guided orgasms but you were distracted and did not. I was disappointed because I knew that after the surgery I would not be able to play with you for some time nor had you asked to play with me for weeks, but I took it in stride. I reminded myself that I was a Slave and my pleasures are dependent on my Master’s wishes and so, with no orgasm after fucking all your holes thoroughly I cleaned my toys with a dripping, unsatisfied FC2 and started getting ready to take a shower in preparation for my procedure in the morning.

While I was undressing you texted, and we had the exchange above. I was naked, plug loose in your stretched FC3, clit still aching for release, somewhat anxious and guilty about the surgery in the morning and looking at my body in its current form for the last time, wondering if I was making a mistake, wondering how painful and difficult the recovery would be, how much it would inconvenience my family, if it would be worth the money, if I was selfish and stupid for doing this. Initially, your texts caused their usual schoolgirl rush of happiness and your praise made me smile and glow with pride and pleasure. But then, as has happened so many times, you twisted my hand, that I thought you were holding so gently in your steely grip, bringing me to tears and to my knees with your keen observation of my failings. That little comment about being able to control myself when I thought it was important enough to do so, hit me like a truck. I obviously knew you were referencing my breaking of my promise to you about sex with my play partner. I gently put down the phone and melted to the floor, curled up, quietly sobbing so no one else would hear, feeling like I would never truly be free of your doubt and disdain for that error, that you would always cast that in my face, even when I thought that I had pleased you. How can I defend myself from the truth, My Master? It will always be true that I failed you and I lay open my heart to you to be lashed a thousand times, My Lord, if that gives you solace.

Did you know that you had struck me so hard, My Master? Because we mostly communicate by text, I can still hide my hurts and joys from you. You don’t see the times the phone is flung across the bed in frustration. You don’t see me kiss the screen or sigh in bliss or giggle at your joke or grimace in response to an idea for my future use. You don’t see my eyes fill with tears of regret, of confusion, of despair. I pick and choose still what picture I paint for you of myself. I send only the best selfies and the prettiest outfits. I protect myself, weakly, through these little deceits and masks, even as I continue to tumble happily down the rabbit hole of submission to you. But the time for all this will soon be drawing to an end.

Lately, we have been talking more and more about being together in real life. I have been talking with my therapist about it and everything that may or may not come to pass. I need to start talking to my husband about it at some point, although what to say to him baffles me as I barely know how to counsel myself. I am terrified for the masks to be pulled away. For you to see my true face and to look into your dark eyes and see if you will still claim me. Or if there is nothing between us and it was all words and dreams and I must armor myself again. Even now, I do not know, My Master, if you would have been pleased to see those tears from your comment hitting home, or if you would have been surprised or even concerned. It does not matter so much what your reaction would have been, My Master. The fact that I cannot predict it is what is so telling of my ignorance about you. So much about you remains a mystery and yet I cannot hold myself back from what I want to be, what I must be, WHAT I AM…Your Slave and Property.

Upgrading Property

The surgery was uneventful and strange. I was turned into a patient with a simple costume change and coddled by the jolly nurses while they filled out a thousand forms. My undesirable flesh was carefully measured, groped and marked for destruction by my beautiful surgeon who noted several flaws immediately that she casually planned to correct (my belly button was not midline and my right breast slightly larger than my left). I was reassured by a distant but capable anesthesiologist that he wouldn’t let me die when I let him breathe for me. I climbed willingly onto the surgical table, internally amused as the staff transformed me again, this time from a patient into an object needing repair, gently arranging my passive limbs and beginning to refer to me as if I was no longer there even when I still had my wits about me. But soon the good doctor unexpectedly took my hand gently in his and firmly pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply and, of course, like a good girl, I did.

I dimly recall recovery and driving home through what my husband told me later was a terrible storm. I texted you that evening and told you I was high and itchy and fine. I was wrapped tightly in bindings from my armpits to my hip bones with two clear plastic drains coming out of the bottom and the next two days I focused on sleeping, eating and enduring the usual post operative discomforts while my husband ran the household and kept me fed and hydrated. Two days after, I returned to the clinic and was unwrapped and saw my new body for the first time. While it was definitely swollen, bruised and stitched together, the APRN was pleased with the repair and even I could see the potential for a beautiful outcome in my currently somewhat macerated flesh.

You have been quite gentle with me in this period of recovery, My Master. Even before the procedure you declared that I needed to focus on rest and relieved me of being plugged, my usual Tasks and Rituals even including my morning greeting to you, which is one I have honored since very early in our relationship. You have endured my unusual dullness and lack of availability due to the surgery followed shortly by my restlessness, whining and boredom as I start to feel better and yet not well enough to return to my normal routines and service to you. You can be a patient man, My Lord. When you show your concern for your Property, it also brings me to my knees, not from Fear but from another emotion, even more dangerous and frightening to me. Thank you for your kindness to me, your Pathetic Slut Slave, while I am healing, My Wolf. You know I am eager to serve you through my beloved Rituals and challenging Tasks, be plugged again (soon!), enjoy your naughty games and share in your sexy, dirty day dreams and plans for the future.