Tag: polyamory

Weekly Update 7/27/20-8/2/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Because I would hate to cut my Lamb loose

And worse lose friends over a pathetic cunt”

“Trust and Loyalty are key in my eyes”

I know this very well, My Master

I will not make a mistake, My Lord

“Do NOT test me again, Nor Tempt my friends

If I chose to loan out my cunts, I will

If not, then I will not”

I belong to you, My Wolf

I am in your hands

“I know

And your Weakness has lessened

And your Devotion has increased”

I was just typing that, My Master

The thought of hurting and shaming you like that is terrible

“Perhaps these words should be worked into a Mantra…

You wouldn’t shame me.

I would just End my relationships with all involved parties”

I understand, My Master

I would shame myself

“Consider these feelings you have

Put them to words.

And, I will spin them to my Will”

Loyalty Mantra

My Slut nature is weakness if not used in service to My Lord.

Trust, Loyalty and Obedience are key to My Master and he has trained me well.

I will not give in to weakness.

I will not shame myself.

I will not stray and cause My Wolf to leave me behind.

My actions and behavior will bring honor to him as his chosen Property.

Preparations

This week you edged me mercilessly throughout the beginning of the week. Although you were not as merciless as you could have been as you did allow me to have orgasms intermittently. I know that the intention of such edging is multifactorial. You like to keep me desperate, your FC2 aching and wet, my thoughts churning on erotic and obscene images and waiting for your permission to release. The edging also makes me more accustomed to being aroused without acting to relieve it and improves my self control and internal restraint both physically and mentally.

It becomes clear that you still do not trust your Slave to control herself in situations where I may be tempted to seduce and play with others without your permission. You have been gradually expanding my circle of contacts over the past week or so, allowing me to begin chatting with other friends of yours in the Lifestyle. I understand well the importance of behaving in such a way that I hopefully don’t annoy or overstep with your friends. I also respect that they are under no obligation to help me. I have emphasized clarifying and respecting your limits on my experiences in the Lifestyle, either with them or others.

Sometimes these limits gall me, My Master, I will admit. My husband has stated that he feels badly at times for me because my goal in opening our marriage was (partly at least) for me to explore kinky and sexy opportunities in the Lifestyle. However, instead of doing that, we all went into quarantine following which I find myself a Slave to you and no longer in a position where I am free to try new things or have adventures without your approval and permission which is challenging to obtain as I feel you prefer to oversee my introduction to new experiences yourself. Like so many things, this raises mixed feelings in me. On one hand, I like that you want to train me yourself, which is fitting and proper (as you always say) for an Owner and Master. On the other hand, sometimes I have little faith that any of that will ever come to pass, based on the many disappointments I have had trusting others, and I feel dumb for letting opportunities pass me by. I am not a patient woman and I don’t wait easily. But I am learning and I hope it is worth it. You seem most accepting of my play with other women so I have focused my energy on attempting to find a casual female partner, perhaps a sub, but that is not entirely necessary. Unfortunately, I have not been successful thus far, which is not terribly surprising as I am quite specific, picky perhaps one would say, about my partners.

In a woman I am looking for someone more petite than myself, feminine and ideally not too skinny who is reasonably intelligent, sensual and fun. She doesn’t need to be as smart as me or as kinky. I prefer if she is in another primary relationship because that takes the burden of meeting all her emotional needs off of me. I want my relationship with another woman to be playful, light and sexual. She doesn’t need to be very experienced with women, although it would be refreshing to have a girlfriend who had actually licked a pussy before. But that can be trained…This week I did have date with a woman set up but she ended up ghosting me, to my annoyance. I will keep looking however, although it is an uphill battle. Women get skittish very easily about pursuing their sexual desires in real life. They enjoy the flirting, attention and the texting but when it comes down to really making things happen, my experience is that a lot of them will disappear. I look forward to having a girlfriend again, not just for the sex but also because I miss being able to go out on dates and have fun. I know that I will not get permission to do so with male partners and it bothers me that I am stuck at home alone sometimes. However, that is part and parcel of being a Slave, being restricted from doing everything that you might do if your situation were different. The reward of my sacrifice and obedience is your continued attention and commitment to my growth and development as your submissive and the hope that future experiences in real life will be even more amazing because of the trust and connection we are developing now.

This week has been busy in preparation for a cosmetic surgery I have scheduled for early next week. This is something I have been considering for some time. As I am entering the Lifestyle and anticipate both more casual sexual partners and more public display of my body it has prompted me to move from contemplation to action. I think my body is in fairly good shape currently and I enjoy my muscular yet feminine physique. I work hard at developing my appearance through diet, exercise, grooming and dressing well and yet there are some flaws that I cannot fix without surgical correction. I have found an excellent surgeon and was surprised when I was given a relatively early surgical date to have a tummy tuck and breast lift. So this week I have been scrambling to get work coverage arranged, the necessary blood tests, mammograms, surgical clearance, payment fees etc taken care. I am not too worried about the surgery itself but the recovery is known to be quite painful and slow as it requires extensive healing. I will not be able to work, have sex or exercise, which are my favorite activities, so I anticipate a dull and irritating few weeks of surfing the internet, reading, watching TV and texting my friends. I am pleased at the promptness of the surgery though, in that it will give me more time to heal before you return to play with me and I, of course, hope that you enjoy the improvements made to your Property.

Weekly Update 7/19/20-7/26/20

Posted on by Avertas

“I just read a WONDERFUL TASK for you, Pet”

Oh boy

What do you have in mind, My Master

“Ready”

Yes, My Master

“This will test a few things”

I’m listening

“You will drink 1 gallon of water.

Wear panties.

Wait for 20-30 minutes…Until you have to pee.

I would prefer you go outside and

Then edgex3 Countdowns from 30.

On the last Countdown, you can cum at 15 and again at 0.

(You might want to bring a towel…)”

Shame

Lately I have been thinking a lot about shame. Specifically the shame that I feel not infrequently about my high sexual drive, my Slut nature, my Slave nature and my kinks and the problems these things cause for the people I love. The truth is that when I am able to indulge in these aspects of my self, it feels wonderful and true. I fall into them so naturally and easily when I allow myself to do so. The energy and the flow state I can enter is irresistible to me. I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes it feels like I am channeling the deep feminine sexual energy of the universe, raw and torrential. My partners can feel it too and they respond in a variety of ways depending on personality.

Recent events that have triggered shame in me include being rejected by my female friend after our date last week during which I disclosed that I had an open marriage and was a sub to you. She sent a cool and brief text which stated that she wanted us to remain platonic, followed by some banal, superficial conversation. Internally, I felt again the great divide between myself and the other women I know, who report that they “could never do” all the things that I do quite easily, that I love to do. This difference makes me feel like such a weirdo and a freak. I feel like I ruined that friendship by saying who I really was and sharing my true self. I always worry that once people really know me fully they will be horrified and reject me. To be frank, that’s pretty much what happened. It was so good to talk to you about it and thank you for helping me process these thoughts, My Master. It was great to be able to turn to you for emotional support and for guidance, which in the past I would have been reluctant to ask you for. I sometimes worry that you are so accustomed to kink and BDSM that you fail to realize how shocking many of the ideas and acts you take for granted still are to the vanilla world. You overstepped a few times with me early on and it pushed me away. I feel like that is what happened with my friend. Not to say that I think we ever would have ended up in a relationship, but I think there may have been less damage.

Another time I have felt shame this week was talking to a friend online who is in the Lifestyle. I was discussing my relationship with my husband and how I wish that I could be more “normal” in both my sexual drives and tastes as this would make me a better wife and partner for him. I teared up a bit as I related the struggles I have put us through as a couple that I know he would never have had to face if he had married someone else. My friend told me to celebrate what made me different from other women, to try to see it as a strength, to focus on the positive things it has brought to my marriage like more freedom and excitement for my husband compared to most men. My husband has reassured me multiple times himself that he loves me and accepts me. Maybe I just don’t love and accept myself. Because I don’t feel that way about these aspects of myself sometimes. There are times when I think about just going on some medication that would dull my drive and make me less interested in sex. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen if I keep exploring and empowering these parts of me. They can be so powerful and destructive. I can hurt people; I have hurt you and I am worried that the things I enjoy in BDSM will hurt and disgust my husband, especially as you begin to expose me to new things.

The new task you gave me this week is the first time that we have explored piss play/watersports; a kink I have been curious about. I think it is likely something I will enjoy, particularly when in combination with verbal and physical degradation/humiliation under your control. I don’t recall how I scored piss play in the initial kink assessment you had me do when you were considering me as your sub but I am guessing it was in the “interested but don’t have to have it” category. Maybe it was even lower than that; my openness to kinks and new experiences has increased significantly under your guidance, My Wolf.

As instructed that night, I drank glass after glass of water while chatting online with a Lifestyle friend who knew about the task and was amused by my first attempt. Once I started feeling impulses to use the bathroom, I slipped out of my shorts and tiptoed outside into my suburban back yard. It was late and the neighborhood was peaceful and empty. I was wearing just briefs and a Tshirt. You had instructed me to wear something fuller coverage than my usual g string panty so that I would feel the wetness more on my skin. You instructed me later that if I didn’t wet myself cumming in my panties I was to either stand with my legs together or lay down in the grass and empty my bladder, then stay there for a count of 100, “going over your mantras”. I had brought the required toys out with me for the edging and I found a dark corner of the yard and started playing with your clit, first with my fingers, then with the Satisfier, then with the Focus which creates intense and pinpoint clit stimulation. My bladder was aching and full and with the first orgasm at count fifteen I felt a small splash of urine wetting FC2 and running down my bare legs into the grass. I took a deep breath and kept going…15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8…I was moaning softy and gently moving the focus over your sensitive clit again and again in circles, so close to cumming yet riding the edge as you have trained me to do so carefully. 7-6-5-4, I felt my pelvic muscles straining to hold my bladder while at the same time want to let go completely as the orgasm began to ripple beneath the surface. 3-2-1…a gush of urine as I stood there gasping and cumming harder and harder, feeling the warm liquid soaking into my panties and dripping down my legs. I fell to my knees in the dirty, piss covered grass and felt the mosquitoes begin to bite as the last waves of the orgasm faded. I looked up at the moon and listened to the quiet night, alone in the darkness. I remembered my Mantras and whispered quietly into the warm summer air that I was Slave *real name* and that was owned by Master *real name*. That I was his Property and his Playground. That pleasure and pain was your Right. That this pathetic Cunt belonged to you, regardless if plugged, harnessed or collared.

I felt very young, mildly regressed, a little silly but not upset or distressed by the experience. I cleaned up and changed into dry clothing. I wanted to send you a picture of my wet panties and my legs all covered in the grass marks pressed into them from kneeling but I remember that you told me not to send any pictures this time, to focus on the experience and write about it for you. I laid down and felt even more like a little girl, tired out after a long day but at peace. I curled up in a ball and felt your plug in FC3, always with me, so reassuring and wished I had my wand to vibe it as you allow me to do when I want to relax. Instead I hooked a finger through the loop of the handle and wiggled it gently. If you had been there I would have liked to suck your fingers then. I looked at a picture you had sent me of yourself earlier that day. It was taken at an extremely low angle and you filled the screen, looking down, looming large, the only thing filling the world with nothing but the blue sky behind you…My Lord. I kissed the picture on my phone, laughed a little at myself and went to sleep.

I didn’t feel ashamed while doing the task, but I do anticipate shame about it as people I know are able to read about it in this post, including my husband. I know these are things that confuse and repel most people and it is very hard for me to share them outside of my relationship with you and, of course, whomever you would choose for me to engage with. This kind of task is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t know what I am capable of, but it is more than most. That makes me feel scared and like there is something wrong with me. I love it but I have doubts and trouble accepting it. I am grateful that I have you as my Owner to help me, step by step, in finding my way, showing me things slowly, enjoying and developing the very qualities I find frightening and teaching me how to better contain them so that they are less destructive. The energy you put into my training and discipline, the affection you show me when I have pleased you, the understanding you have of my needs, often better than my own, all bring me to my knees with my mind, heart and body eager to learn and open to your influence and power.

Weekly Update 7/12/20-7/19/20

Posted on by Avertas

“We are all set, love! I’m happy to see you!!”

“I am too 🙂

Thank you for setting this up

And one thing

No nonsense about me paying

Understand?

This is my treat”

“You’re silly. I’m just happy to spend time with you :)”

Good

Me too

But I don’t want to hear a word about the bill

And I’m not going to say it again”

__________________________________________

“Let me know when you arrive

Then keep up dated on the direction it’s going”

Yes, My Lord

“Good.

You will give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when you meet”

Yes, My Master

—————————————————————–

I stopped myself from kissing her mult times, My Master

“Why?”

When I took the picture I had my hand around her waist and was rubbing her

The waiter totally thought we were girlfriends 🙂

BC she told me she would be tormented with guilt if she did anything

And he couldn’t handle it

And all kinds of other nonsense

“But why didn’t you”

While staring at me with lust in her yes and letting me do whatever I want

BC I’m a good fucking person

“My pathetic weak willed Slave

is A GOOD PERSON”

Well…fine

Thank you, My Master

“The rest is on Her”

Yes, it is

I told her to tell her husband everything

A Date

A woman I know as a friend has been increasingly flirtatious. She knows I am bisexual and she has always had a submissive attitude towards me. Over the past few weeks she has fairly transparently indicated an interest in me and eventually she asked me out to dinner. I haven’t been on a date for a long time, as I only see my play partner sporadically and we do not date. I mentioned it to you and you told me that you would have a task for me that night. In my texting with this woman, I intentionally took on a dominant tone. I wanted to see how she would respond to that and also how I would feel about it. I enjoyed it very much and it felt good to be in the position of authority and control, rather than the needy, insecure feeling I often have as a Sub.

The night of the date, I texted you that I was getting ready to go and asked about the task. You told me to put in the Hush and I raised an eyebrow. However, I am ever your obedient Slave and I am always up for your kinky adventures so I complied, heavily lubing it up and replacing the nJoy which usually fills your FC3. The Hush is much less comfortable for long term wear although I have developed some tolerance for it and knew it wouldn’t be too bad. I was aroused and nervous, which is how you often make me feel, My Master. And curious, of course, to see what you were up to.

You started to give me directions about how to behave on the date. How to greet her, what to tell her about my lifestyle. I will be honest that I initially balked. The first image that sprung to my mind was that of a puppet. You have never directly controlled me in my interactions with others before and it was a new level of submission for me that was both uncomfortable and erotic. I also felt like it presumed that you would have influence and control over my relationship with this woman and/or other potential subs and I’m not sure about where my limits are with that yet. On one hand I absolutely appreciate your support and advice as an experienced Dom to help me. I am also your devoted and obedient Slave and pleased to follow your will and commands. On the other hand, I want to develop my own sub and honor whatever dynamic develops between us, which will be different, of course, than our own. I know that this conversation is premature, but it is something simmering in my mind and it will come up again as we both explore what it means for me to move outside of only the submissive role and for you to use me as a Switch.

The date was interesting. She continued to flirt, stare at me longingly and use pet names. I continued to look as hot as humanly possible, boss her gently around and generally seduce her. Which was, of course, effective. I stroked her hair, I ordered her drink, I posed provocative questions and gave genuine compliments. I made her laugh, I took her picture and rubbed the side of her body. She loved all of it. Finally I called her out and asked her to tell me how she was feeling about me. She admitted that she was very attracted to me and I was not misreading her signals. I reminded her that I was bisexual, explained that I had an open marriage and, per your request, told her that I was in the lifestyle and served a Dom. I questioned her situation and she explained that she had always thought she was strait until she started developing feelings for me and that she felt strongly that her husband would not tolerate her having a sexual relationship with me. She had not discussed it with him directly but he knew that she was interested, essentially warning her to behave while on this date. She said she would be tortured with guilt if she did something that he wouldn’t like and that he was an insecure person who wouldn’t want her to have a side relationship with a woman. I listened to her and supported her dedication and commitment to her marriage, feeling thankful that my own husband is a much braver and mature man.

This information about her husband put me in a difficult position about moving forward. I texted you updates and you gave me feedback. You also told me to turn on the Hush…and tell her that it was on. Oh, My Master. You have no idea how uncomfortable and humiliating that was. Here I am, trying to Domme and you make me admit that I have a plug buzzing in my ass (which felt incredible btw)! I tried to figure out how to casually work that into conversation, which I did on the ride home, where I had my hand on her thigh, gently circling my thumb and desperately resisting the urge to slide it higher, press it against her crotch and hear her moan. I told her about the Hush and that it was at your command and the poor thing was so overwhelmed I don’t think it even registered. I dropped her off at home and did not kiss her good night, respecting her limits, even as she paused and looked at me, wanting me to do it.

Afterwards you and I texted and I felt a little strange. I felt shame about my level of sexual need and being a “freak”. This comes up for me sometimes, as you know. It was probable triggered by comparing myself to this “normal” woman who was so innocent and simple in her life. Many times I wish I could be more like the other women around me but then I would never trade my exciting, crazy life for theirs, would I? You reassured me and you also explored with me why I had restrained myself from fully pursuing this woman after she told me about her restrictions due to her marriage. You know I have trouble with sexual boundaries. This is an area you are working to help me improve. You praised me for not taking what I could have and for being a good person. Then you made me cum so hard and so many times, sitting in the dark car on the side of the road as you turned the Hush higher and higher until I was trembling with need and FC2 was soaking wet, my legs wide open, moaning in pleasure, clutching my breasts.

Thank you , My Lord for such an interesting and challenging evening. You treat me so differently than anyone else I have ever met. You push me and I feel uncomfortable at times but I am feeling more and more that I can put myself in your hands and trust the experience. I still have that moment of wanting to fight for control but now I see it and I intentionally release it, bow my head and follow you.

Plugged Slave

Recently my husband and I have been discussing the impact of my being plugged on him. I have been sensitive to this since you first told me that I would remain plugged essentially at all times outside of work. My husband initially expressed little concern about it and even told me he didn’t mind it during sex. However, over time, his feeling have grown more mixed. I have been trying to get him to explain his thoughts and feelings about it to me and bringing the topic up more often to encourage him. The plug is a very important symbol of my Slave status. It is essentially my collar right now. Last night we went on a date, which he had expressed really looking forward to, although, interestingly he was too distracted by work this week to remember to get a babysitter or reservations. However we did discuss that and he apologized and confirmed he did really want to go out with me. He got a sitter set up and I found a romantic restaurant and a place for drinks afterwards down on the water.

I texted him the locations as well as telling him that I wouldn’t wear panties. This is something I don’t normally do but I thought it would be playful and sexy. He has been expressing more and more of an interest in wanting to do more kinky things with me and I am trying to introduce elements that I think would work well in our current loving and vanilla relationship. Like many men, he expresses a desire to “try anything” but it is clear to me that some of the things I have him try do not really appeal to him or excite him. Which is totally fine and valid but it is a process of trial and error to see what might excite him. Sometimes I feel disappointed when I see the confirmation that he doesn’t really enjoy a lot of the kinks that I do.

I showered and shaved my entire body and wore a sexy, short, off the shoulder dress and high heels. When I was getting ready, I considered not putting in my plug as it was a special night with my husband, but I felt that I wanted to wear it (as I always do). I found it very naughty and arousing to be both bare bottomed and with the plug in place. I bent over and looked in the mirror at your bare FC2 and the silver handle in FC3 with my long tan legs in heels and knew that view would drive most men insane. I imagined what would happen if I got a little tipsy and wasn’t careful with my legs or if I stumbled and flashed everyone. Of course, those thoughts of being exposed, humiliated and yet sexually objectified were very exciting for me. You had also been edging me aggressively all through the day and I was generally in a very sexual frame of mind.

The date was great and we had a lively, honest and deep conversation as we always do. We are wonderful companions and he is a man of intelligence, taste and humor. He also looked hot and I kept hoping he would take advantage of the situation and run his hand up under my dress and make me cum but he did not. That his not his style and sometimes I struggle to accept that. After we left the last place, having had cocktails and delicious desserts in a beautiful room full of beautiful people right on the water, I began kissing him aggresively and pulled his hands onto my ass. In the car he finally began rubbing my pussy and I was moaning and asked him what he wanted, which was to go home and have sex.

It was on the way home that he told me he was having mixed and fluctuating feelings about my wearing the plug. That it was intrusive and distracting mentally for him and he wished I had not worn it that night. He freely admitted that he had given mixed signals and I expressed understanding of why that might be. I asked specifically what I could change that would make him more comfortable with it and he said for now, just not to wear it on dates with him or, if possible, during sex, which of course I agreed. I again encouraged him to tell me directly to take it out when he wants me to. I did explain that I like to wear the plug, which surprised him as he felt it was being done out of obedience only. I again confirmed that I could take it out easily any time he requested and that it would not be a problem.

I spent a lot of time reinforcing that our marriage is precious and important and that I love him deeply and want us to continue to have an open conversation about how my participation in the lifestyle effects him. I also reinforced how deeply you respect our marriage and told him how you always take time to check on how things are going for us and never try to change or direct me in my interactions with him. He is struggling with me and my needs and I will continue to be attentive and careful. I feel guilty that as his partner I am not a better fit for him and that because he is with me he is often pushed outside his comfort zone and into challenging emotional spaces. I worry that my behaviors and sexual preferences makes him feel stressed and inadequate. He is a rare and brave man for staying with me despite what I ask of him.

Weekly Update 6/22/20-6/28/20

Posted on by Avertas

I realize I have been very submissive and although that has been enjoyable to me it perhaps has not been the healthiest for our relationship over all

Honestly this past week, although I have not been feeling much like your slave, I do feel like you are more responsive to me and our dynamic is more interesting to you

My friend keeps screaming at me to let the alpha out but I have been reluctant to do so

I am worried that you will perceive this as disrespectful which is not my intention

I thank you for being open about your thoughts on our dynamic

I find that very helpful in understanding what is going on between us

(Conversation with friend in the Lifestyle)

Good, he admits he’s been isolating

Understands why I’m feeling less connected and less submissive

I mean, really I am going to him for so little now

I don’t go to him for sex

I don’t go to him for advice

I don’t go to him for support

So if he’s not acting as my Dom it’s really hard for me to be enthusiastic about acting as his sub

He’s very good at creative, kinky tasks and when he talks to me he’s amazing

But that’s not enough for the level of submission we have established in this relationship

He has the experience and the quality to be what I need

I don’t know what is holding him back

Lack of interest is what I keep coming back to

If he was truly motivated and enjoying our relationship I would not need to chase him this hard

He would want it as much as me

Shifting

I felt progressively distant and unmotivated to submit to you through the beginning of the week. Never before have I felt so reluctant to engage in our rituals. I almost couldn’t make myself perform “Grounding” one evening, staring at the clean plug in my hand and feeling like such a fucking idiot for debasing myself for someone who did not value or appreciate my submission. I grudgingly did it, because it is in my nature to be obedient and perform the tasks assigned to me. The mantra about how I must be attentive to your feelings stuck in my throat. Because when do YOU have to pledge to be attentive to my feelings? Doms don’t have mantras, I know, but like everyone, they do have consequences.

The consequences for us were that I pulled farther and farther away, dropping your title when I texted you, using a neutral or even sassy tone to you in conversations, stopping sending you my usual playful pictures, videos, etc, to see if you would notice. You did not notice my withdrawal which further cemented in my mind that you were not paying attention to our relationship. Finally in the context of you imagining some sexual torture of me while chatting on text, I just broke and told you that I was unhappy and feeling ignored and that I could not join you in such thoughts with any confidence or pleasure because I no longer believed that we would ever get to such a place, certainly not at the rate we’re going. You were surprised, responsive and mentioned that work had been difficult and perhaps you were isolating and communication is challenging etc etc etc.

All of these things are true, of course. True, true and unrelated as the saying goes. They were true at the start of our relationship when you had no trouble making time for me, playing with me and you relished establishing your hold on me. Because I was new and interesting and you love new relationships and the challenge of obtaining submission from an intelligent, kinky woman. But do you know how to grow my submission and maintain it past the first few months? How to connect on more than just a sexual level? Are you brave enough to let me get to know you and care about you outside of BDSM? Can you continue to support me, challenge me and deepen my submission and trust in you? Will you get distracted by the legion of other submissives begging to have the experience that I have with you. New and eager and fun puzzles to unlock for your clever, devious mind. Or some former subs returning who are familiar and flattering, coming to you as the only thing that can soothe their troubled minds and enjoying your understanding of their experience.

I get it. I really do. You are powerful, you shape people, you are truly dominant and that is rare. It is not my place to tell you how to use your time or dictate your relationships, especially relationships that have existed long before you even met me and are valuable to you and to those former subs. I know that and I accept it and I would never accept such limits as a Dom myself. It is my place, as your primary sub who is struggling right now, to be honest with you and to speak to the dynamics I see unfolding. When we started this relationship I capitulated entirely into submission. I became your slave and it was lovely, unbelievably freeing to explore an aspect of myself that I had never had the space and time to try to understand and accept. No one else ever wanted that part of me. Everyone has always wanted the strong, capable, controlling, productive, stoic aspects of my personality because they are useful to them. Those traits make me valuable. You want something else from me, something darker, more primitive and equally deeply rooted and it is intoxicating.

Unfortunately I see now that by only showing you the limited submissive aspect of myself, by limiting your exposure to my full personality and power, I have also limited our relationship. This past week, when I have been the least submissive to you, we have made the most progress in connecting as people. We have communicated passionately and sometimes heatedly about conflicts in our relationships. I have told you honestly that I am unhappy, scared, insecure and angry that you think you can take on yet more long distance relationships with submissive women (whatever label you want to put on them) when I have barely felt you have time for me, the one you claim as your owned Slave.

I give you credit, you always hear me out and respond. You do appreciate the honesty you demand, even when what you learn things you don’t like or disagree with. You do improve, at least for a period of time, in response to my feedback. My Master, you have it in you to be everything I want and need and more. I want you desperately but my need and desire is not enough. My service and submission have not been enough to hold your interest. Perhaps this shift I have made this week, to move away from being only your docile Slave and instead, remind you that I am an Alpha Submissive, will bring the energy we need to sustain us until we can be together in person. It means I will have to let go of the extreme submission that I found so compelling but if, in exchange, we have better communication, deepening engagement and you are less bored with me then it is a small price to pay.

We are doing something so difficult here. We should not be discouraged that it has not always gone smoothly. This is my first BDSM relationship, I am still floored by the intensity of it and the changes I see in myself and my life. You are trying to help me grow and develop with limited communication and privacy for both of us. We are both in multiple relationships which brings up all kinds of emotions, especially as our connection is new and insecure. We can’t touch, we can’t fuck, we can’t play the way we both wish. If we could I know so many things would be easier for me, because that is an important way that I feel connected to a person. I remind you again that any time you spend connecting with me sexually will be time well spent in terms of reducing my anxiety and neediness. We have both made mistakes and we have both forgiven and grown. I hope you keep choosing me, My Master, even though things are challenging. I hope you choose me because you want me and want this relationship, not out of duty or pride. My hope is that I am a pleasure, a relief and a joy in your difficult life, not a burden. I remain dedicated to you and gratefully in your service, My Master, even as we move together through these changes.

Weekly Update 6/8/20-6/14/20

Posted on by Avertas

Thank you for letting me have orgasms again, My Lord

I wish I could show you my gratitude with your property

“I know, you stupid cunt.

You are making an effort to improve.

Do not backslide.”

I am a weak willed, pathetic, whiny Slut

I want to be owned by you, My Master

I want to be your perfect Slave and give you my obedience and let you use this property as you desire

I am so glad you can see how I am trying hard to improve

“Nobody is perfect

One can only strive to improve towards perfection

Or at least not a weak willed, pathetic, whiny girl”

I feel scared now to be less than perfect for you tbh, My Master

“Cum”

Healing and Service through Tasks

This week started with me still feeling in a tenuous spot in terms of our connection and your claim on me. You again modified my Tasks and the list grew even longer, with multiple public and private tasks as well as my usual daily tasks of my plugging and unplugging rituals, symbols of owernership (plug and harness) and edging. Luckily I was off work for two days early in the week, which allowed me to focus my energy on completing several of these new Tasks. They are excellent Tasks, of course, as always. A great strength of yours as a Dominant is your creative, devious mind which boldly challenges my obedience, courage and the physical limits of your property through these Tasks. They are fun, naughty, exciting and make my life complicated and interesting. I am grateful for them as an experience in their own right but also as an important way that I show you my obedience, dedication and stamina, especially as I cannot serve you in person yet. I will admit that the volume and intensity of tasks currently is high which makes me anxious about completing all of them. I will continue to work to complete them all for you and I know we can discuss if I am having a hard time getting them done. I feel more confident this week that you will not see any difficulty completing them as laziness or disrespect but rather just struggling with balancing my Slave Tasks with the many other tasks I must do for others.

Because of you and your instructions this week I fucked your FC3 in a public bathroom while sucking your plug, a task which left FC2 dripping wet and my heart racing. I ran errands with your pussy and ass stuffed with vibes and had multiple orgasms standing in the public store, cumming in my panties, so grateful for the requirements to wear a mask to hide my contorted face as pleasure washed over me. I tied my legs up high and fucked all of your holes at once with clothespins on each nipple, then edged for five minutes alternating between the Satisfied and the wand, with your soaking FC2 and opened FH3 still stuffed full while I whispered my Mantras. I lined up three dildos and did over a hundred squats, filling different holes as you directed, at times deep throating one dildo while fucking your ass with another. And yesterday I did a new pain task for you requiring ripping off 12 clothespins while having five orgasms, which you had me post pics from on Fet. I have knelt again and again in submission and worship to you. You have helped me with setting up these tasks, refining how you want them done, combining them, taking over at times to direct me yourself in order to have your property abused in a certain manner. The intensity and demands of the new tasks has been good for both of us and I have felt our connection improving steadily.

I am proud of doing these Tasks and I have enjoyed talking about them with some of my online friends in the Lifestyle who all appreciate your creativity and boldness in the demands you make on me. As well, they are impressed that I am eager to meet these demands, despite risk, discomfort and time demands. Many of them have said that they have engaged in similar tasks but never to the levels that you have already brought me without hesitation. None of them have ever plugged a sub as aggressively as you have or requested such intense public play. I am proud that you push me harder than most Masters would dare and that I can rise to your challenges. I think we have a special connection, My Master. I feel we are well matched in our energy and depth of need for power dynamic, and that although some of our specific kinks are slightly different, we can both grow and adapt to meet those as well. I am so excited by what we have and hopeful and also nervous about the future, as I know you understand. There is great potential. You are so powerful, My Lord. I am in your hands and they are merciless and wonderful.

Sub Drop and Aftercare

Likely due to the increase in volume and intensity of my Tasks this week, as well as perhaps continued intense emotions following my failure and our struggles over the past two weeks, I experienced sub drop for the first time this week. It was after a combination experience of two tasks, “Full” and “Restrained”. You suggested I make a hybrid of the two and actively helped me with the complicated set up, as you had specific desires for how you wanted your Property positioned and what tools and toys to be used.

The task involved two phases, the first is a physically challenging task called Full, which requires me to have all your holes filled at the same time for 80 strokes with a strong emphasis lately on practicing deep throating with FC1, which tends to make me gag and sometimes even vomit. I used to orgasm with this task with your permission but the throat training has made it unpleasant and difficult and I have not been able to do so since you have increased that expectation. This task was completed with clothespins on your tits, Hush buzzing in your ass, dildo in FC2, legs restrained and sucking the dildo stuck to the mirror, meaning I had eye contact with myself throughout and could see your stuffed holes. Then I restrained my legs even higher and moved so that the one on the mirror was now in FC2 and began edging your clit, alternating between the Satisfier and the wand while running the Mantra of Identify through my mind as much as I could, given all the counting and timing required with the edging as well as managing the physical sensations. As well, I sent pictures before and after each phase of your Property. I was allowed to orgasm through the end of the task and had several with my legs tied high and your fuck cunts clenching and spasming around the toys.

After the task I rested a bit and then untied my tight and shaky legs. I physically felt cold and very tired. I usually feel pleased and proud after a task and closer to you but this time I felt alone and isolated. I experienced a sense of worthlessness, depression and rejection unusual for me. I started crying as I was cleaning up and had to stop and just lay down on the floor, still shaking and crying. I had never experience something like this before but recognized that it was probably sub drop from reading about it.

Not sure what to do, I reached out to you by text, asking where you were and telling you I needed you. Its very hard for me to say that, btw. That I need you. Admitting dependency and weakness makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. You did not respond at the time and I felt even more alone and uncertain. It felt like so many other times in my life when I was not helped when I was hurting. That is how I learned that I cannot rely on other people to help. I can only trust myself. I have to take care of myself, protect myself and be stronger than anything that happens to me in my life. I will not allow myself to fail. But then, of course, I am human and I fail all the time. Part of this journey has been admitting to myself that I am weak, that I do fail, that I need people and I need help and accepting that, allowing more honest connection, allowing loss of control over everything, allowing myself and others to see my weaknesses and forgive me for them.

Finally I stopped crying, regrouped, cleaned up and went to bed. I felt emotionally empty and numb and physically sore and fatigued. You texted me later that night and explained that you had lost internet and had fallen asleep. I understood with my rational mind and was not upset but still had lingering feelings of disappointment and detachment. Your tone was light and it felt like you were unconcerned and not really understanding how intense the experience had been to go through without you. To be fair, I did not disclose to you the full depth of what had happened. Because, of course, I did not want to seem needy or to ask you for more support that you might be unwilling or unable to give me.

The next morning I woke up depressed and with a terrible headache. I told you that morning that I was not feeling well but you did not explore it. I texted about the sub drop with a friend who expressed a lot of support and concern about my going through this without your help. He also normalized it for me and told me I was doing well, sending me some posts to lighten my mood. To be honest, I would have appreciated that kind of concern and support from you instead. As the day went on I gradually felt better and by the late afternoon my energy and mood was again at my usual high levels. I listened to a voice recording you had sent me telling me an erotic fantasy and it was so wonderful to hear your voice. I listened to it several times and it made me smile and remember how lucky I am to have you as my Master. I sent you my own voice message on the way home from work, letting you know that I had been thinking of you and how much I appreciated you.

The next few tasks I was worried about experiencing similar drop, but thankfully it did not occur. Yesterday however, we did the Pain and Pleasure task for the first time. You told me this task would likely push my limits for physical pain, which it did and that is one of the goals of the task. You helped me refine how you wanted it completed and knew when I had started it. Afterwards I was tired out, in subspace and started feeling a little needy. I was a bit regressed and began to get worried I would start feeling worse. I texted you that I was exhausted and wanted cuddles, something I don’t think I have ever said to you before. You responded with a single word “nap” and told me to get cuddles from someone else. I understood that you didn’t grasp where I was mentally from that response so I sent you more messages asking you to please give me praise and a few brief voice messages explaining that it would help me feel closer to you if you could use the time after an intense task to connect with me, even briefly. You have done so successfully in the past and its an extremely potent way to influence my mind. You did not respond to any of those messages.

I did not go into a more severe sub drop and was able to get up and move forward with the rest of my day but was troubled by your lack of response to my requests for aftercare. I do not believe I will generally need a lot of your time or attention for aftercare but praising me for completing the Task and reinforcing your ownership would help me a lot. An hour or so later you sent me some pornographic material off Reddit and I got annoyed as I thought you had gotten all the messages and were just ignoring them. So I decided to ask to talk to you about it. I have not done that in a long time. I texted you using your real name and you immediately called me. I told you what was going on and you explained that you had been having a busy day and had not had a chance to catch up on my messages. I felt much better and you graciously apologized which was appreciated and of course, accepted. You mentioned that you have a friend who doesn’t need much in the way of aftercare and I guess there are subs who don’t, but you are not lucky enough to have found that with me, My Master. I do need aftercare and feel it is a way for you to increase your control and power over me. It was a very good conversation. You grasped the situation immediately and handled it masterfully. By the end of the conversation I was on my knees, whimpering and cumming on your command, my heart full of thankfulness and my face smiling with joy to be your Slave.

Weekly Update 5/11/20-5/18/20

Posted on by Avertas

Rationally, of course, I should not mind but the emotional process of being a submissive/slave is powerful

It is hard to feel like I am being asked to find you a better replacement for myself, (real name)

I am thinking about where my limit is on this and I will let you know

“Good girl

By the way, not a Replacement to you

I will still own you.”

Insecurity

For the first time this week I was unable to cum when you ordered me to do so. This occurred in the context of a few unsettling events in our relationship, at least to me. One, you had me help you with some practical writing tasks, which on one hand was flattering and appreciated as I like when you involve me in your day to day life (something I have been asking for) but also can feel a little exploitative, probably because of my own baggage. I have always been a nerdy academic overachiever and this has made me sensitive to people passing off their work for me to do. I have developed strong boundaries about this in other areas of my life. To be fair however, you did ask and I happily agreed to assist you and the work itself, although a little time consuming, was quite easy for me. I felt like you were truly appreciative of my assistance and I am honored to help you.

Likely more relevant to your Property’s lack of sexual response is that you started talking to me more recently about looking for a new sub/slave/cuckqueen to be your primary relationship. I have been through this before with having an open marriage and in other relationships so I wasn’t surprised to find myself feeling more insecure, anxious and preoccupied with the idea that you were rejecting me for some flaw. Rationally, of course, I completely understand that you desire and deserve to pursue your relationship goals. And I know I can’t meet those needs, nor do I particularly want to try to. But emotionally, it is another matter all together. The process of becoming your Slave has involved intentionally deepening and encouraging my emotional dependence on you, My Master. It has been very effective but it has also made me sensitive to what I perceive as rejection or loss of interest from you, which I think is typical in the submissive position but probably amplified by our relationship being new, long distance and my first time being a formal sub/slave.

You asked me to look over your profile from a dating site and that was the last straw. I have been asked to do similar things for lovers who were looking for primary relationships and even in less intense relationships, I found it painful and threatening. One thing I have learned from polyamory is that I just need to speak my truth and be okay with letting people know where my boundary is whether they understand and agree with it or not. Because things were complicated, my feelings were intense and I was not feeling very connected with you, I asked if we could talk on video chat. When we did, it was helpful although somewhat mixed initially. You seemed to be in a playful mood (perhaps a defense of yours?), which was frustrating as this was something serious to me and I was in my feelings. You also mixed up my real name for some reason, which certainly isn’t reassuring to a woman who is already feeling insecure about her importance to you! However, you did recover from these missteps and we had a good conversation and I felt better at being able to communicate directly with you, explain my problem and be heard. I also appreciated that you chose to have us do so outside the BDSM framework, allowing me to communicate more directly and firmly with you about my limits and needs. After that conversation I felt much calmer and connected. I appreciate that you understand why it is emotionally hard for me to help you find a new primary sub, that you are beginning to tell me about other secondary relationships you currently have and exploring how much information I can/should share with others about our connection to each other. In the future I will continue to seek more direct communication with you when I am feeling unsure about things because I repeatedly find that we do better when we are able to talk in person vs. trying to manage complicated topics over text. I hope that you will do the same, My Master.

As a result of this reassurance and clarification, I find your Property is responding better to your instructions. I also decided to approach you for more clear limits on my interactions with other men online and as I begin again seeking a male play partner. You helped me by letting me know what was acceptable to you in terms of my sexual behaviors (not sharing full nude photos/videos but otherwise able to amuse myself with sexting/saucy pics) and set a limit on the number of people I can engage with in this type of casual playful sexual activity. You also changed my status on Fet, announcing that I was owned by you, which was something I thought I felt neutral on, but I was surprised that it gave me a thrill to see it in “public”. It made it more real and like you were making more of a commitment to this being a true relationship between us.

You have asked me to have a potential play partner approach you first if I desire to make it a physical relationship and that has brought up a mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m nervous that you will scare off potential play partners, not intentionally, but who knows what you will get into your head, My Master. It’s been quite a long time since I had a sexual partner other than my husband and I really hope I can find someone who will be a good fit for my complicated situation. Of course, there’s a part of me that pushes back against your control and wants to be independent in making my own choices about my sex life. However, I felt intensely “owned” when you told me that this man would have to talk to you before he was allowed to fuck your Property. You know how much I like sexual objectification and this entire exchange, although somewhat nerve racking, has also been quite erotic for me. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next, My Master.

Tasks

You have recently told me that you would like to revamp my Tasks and have asked for some feedback on what I like/dislike about my current daily and weekly Tasks.

Things I like in my Tasks: Being asked to think or say things out loud (Mantras), being called “Property” or anything referencing being owned or not in control of my body/mind, Doing tasks while looking in a mirror, Doing tasks in a submissive position (kneeling or lying flat on the ground), Semi public tasks (this one needs negotiating bc I understand it’s hard to know what is okay and what isn’t but I do like playing with this), Being told to wear certain things (daily body harnesses I love but also pearl panties, or no panties, or I have to wear thigh highs, high heels, etc), having to send explicit photographs or videos of my body to you, a brief ritual or mantra around plugging/unplugging FC3 would be nice as that is a daily private moment of submission, orgasm denial/control (demanding certain number of orgasms be completed or none at all), cumming on command (perhaps we can work on strengthening that through play again), detailed tasks (specific amounts of time/counts, multiple instructions, variety of toys), tasks that use all your FC (especially FC3), continued development of tolerance/interest in painful sensations during play, tasks using/involving nJoy plug, being granted reprieve from other tasks while working on special projects (Punishment or Reward tasks), extra challenging tasks for special occasions/events, perhaps some special rewards (like an explicit video of you cumming) for meeting new challenges, an occasional field trip task might be fun (go to the drug store and fuck yourself with a dildo in the bathroom for two minutes etc), I also like the weekly tasks to have titles (Squats, Motherhood etc)

Things I don’t like in my Tasks: Too rigid of a timeline for completion (which you are good about), tasks that take too long as this can become disruptive to my evening routines (understandable for punishment but weekly tasks can also get time consuming and interfere with exercise or time with my husband which is okay occasionally but not frequently), too simple of tasks (perhaps the basic edging task needs an upgrade), prolonged orgasm denial or very stimulating tasks without allowed release, tasks that require me to be unplugged for long periods of time outside of work, tasks that are excessively painful for my level, tasks requesting ATM without cleaning in between, overly frequent daily tasks that disrupt my work day (2-3 brief tasks a day seems good so far)

You gave me a lovely, dirty and challenging task for my birthday earlier this week which was amazing. You titled it “Birthday Gang Bang” which immediately got my interest. You told me to put two clothespins on each breast sandwiching each nipple in between. I was to put the Lush in FC2 and turn it to respond to sound and play music during the task. I was then to put a vibe in FC3 and a dildo in FC1. Then slide forwards and backwards, as if being fucked in a gang bang for forty strokes without orgasm allowed. This was followed by permission to bring myself to orgasm using any means and at climax, remove one clothespin, continuing to build to repeat orgasms until all clothespins were removed. My initial response was excited and pleased but then, of course, you upped the ante by telling me I had to complete this not once but three times (!) over the 24 hours of my birthday. You do demand so much and I love that. I love that your are strict and challenge me. This was a great task, if you look at what I like above, because it was detailed, used all three FC, developed pain tolerance, involved orgasm control but also release at the end and involved an erotic fantasy of mine (MFM threesome). I was feeling a little depressed about my birthday but having twelve kinky orgasms definitely cheered me up. I was so proud of this task I actually talked (bragged) about it to a few friends and they were impressed by the task and also told me that I seemed happy and fulfilled in this relationship with you. Thank you for a great birthday gift, My Master.

Weekly Update 4/27/20-5/3/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Look in your review mirror

Stare into your eyes”

Yes, My Master

“Repeat, I am my Master’s Slave. His Property.

He is Respectful of my Limits.

I am his 3 Hole Fuck Slave

Repeat that 10 times, slowly”

Yes, My Master

I have done it my Master

“Is your mind at rest?”

Yes, My Master

Very calm

Hush

I had recently been feeling a little annoyed about a minor thing but I brought it up with you this week. You had me purchase two remote controlled vibrators, delivered several weeks ago and we have not really played with them much. You do like shopping and having lots of options for your creative and devious mind and I am happy to indulge My Master. However, these were somewhat expensive toys and they were sitting in my toy box barely used. I began to think about maybe using them with other lovers so I at least had some experiences with them if you were not interested. I brought this up with you and you took it into consideration. Generally you have asked me to reserve “our” toys from play with my husband and others. I understand and respect this limit. You decided that I could use the Lush (vaginal egg vibrator) with others but that the Hush (butt plug vibrator) was just for us.

This conversation led to you requesting me to be ready to use the Hush one morning before work. You have noticed how much I enjoy the juxtaposition of completing submissive tasks around the edges of my professional work schedule. You had me replace the Njoy with the Hush and once I got to work, you started buzzing it. I was ordered to find a bathroom, but the one I wanted to use was frustratingly occupied for a suspiciously long time. We joked that perhaps someone else was doing a service ritual in there. You kept the Hush buzzing while I wandered about the busy hallways, clacking my heels loudly to cover the possible faint sound of buzzing. Finally I found a private bathroom.

You quickly had me on my knees with my pants pulled down, following your instructions to edge your clit for thirty seconds, then enjoying making me beg to be granted another 30 seconds to play with it. Then you had me pull out the Hush, allowed me to wash it quickly and ordered me to put it in my mouth. It is longer than the Njoy and awkward to have in the mouth. As soon as I sent you the requested pic of it in FH1 you ordered me to cum, which I did, with my head leaning against the cold edge of the sink, your pussy aching, knees on the hard tile, half gagging on the warm butt plug in my mouth which you were still vibrating, making me drool. You reminded me that I was a nasty, plug sucker and when I asked to take it out of my mouth you asked me what I was. Which was (and is) your drooling Pathetic Slut Slave and your Property, of course. After which you ordered me to cum again. And then you asked me to look in the mirror and tell you what else I was. My thoughts at looking at myself in the mirror were so mixed, My Master. I felt strangely proud, of course excited by the risk and the novelty of the experience, flattered and pleased by your attention and creativity, concerned and anxious that I had chosen to get into situation like this. But mostly I fucking loved this outrageous situation and being your slave and doing crazy, fun, sexy things. I was beautifully dressed for work with full make up and heels and I was kneeling in a public bathroom, pants down, body harness in place with a vibrating butt plug in my mouth. I texted you back that I was a crazy motherfucker and you laughed and said “aren’t we all”. Then you reminded me that I’m also a pathetic ass plug sucker and made me cum yet again. Finally you released your slave to work.

The next time we played with the Hush you wanted to start before I went to work. I did request, and was granted, the ability to turn the Hush off while saying goodbye to my family for the day. You had me set it to respond to noise and as I did my makeup and hair I played Spotify playlists and felt the vibrations changing in your ass with each song. I absolutely love the physical sensation and found it so pleasurable I asked your permission to cum. As I had been obedient with my no orgasm day previous I had three “freebie” orgasms available and you told me I could do as I wished with them. I ended up fucking FH2 on the bathroom floor with my suction cup dildo while fingering your clit and with the Hush buzzing in your ass. It felt so fucking fantastic I blew through two of my three orgasms before I even left the house.

That morning I actually stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts to get a coffee and kept the Hush going, smiling sweetly at the lady giving me change; amused at her having no idea your pussy was dripping wet from the sex toy buzzing away inside FH3. The drive to work felt lovely with the Hush buzzing away in tune with the radio. When I pulled into the parking lot you asked me how much time I had left before I had to go into work. You took over control of the Hush at that point and also direct control of me. You had me repeat the above “Mantra” in the first quote out loud to myself ten times while you stimulated your slave’s hole and my colleagues walked past my car sitting in the lot. The look in my own eyes was surprisingly calm, proud and accepting as I repeated that I was your property and your three hole fuck slave. Initially I felt kind of stupid talking to myself but that quickly faded as I felt my mind sinking into a submissive state as I echoed your chosen words. You then had me imagine myself on a leash while I strolled around the block with the Hush buzzing and you reinforced my position as your property, reminding me to stand tall and own my role. You then had me cum standing in the parking lot while a strange man loaded a truck about thirty feet away. I tried to pretend I was looking at my phone while FH3 buzzed and your pussy clenched and dripped at your command. I loved every minute of it.

Playtimes

I enjoyed doing my tasks, both daily edgings and no orgasm days as well as my two more complicated tasks, fucking your Slave’s ass with dildo while doing 120 Squats and “Motherhood”, the task involving edging, mild breast pain with clothespins and ending again with fucking FH3 with clit stim until orgasm. I enjoyed that so much this week that I actually squirted, something rare for me. Saturday night you kindly granted my request for a more extended play session. You told me all the many things I needed, primarily a LOT of dildos and clothespins.

You chose to do voice only and it was so nice hearing your voice again for longer than a brief audio clip. I had changed into a purple crotchless, open cup teddy and lit candles. I had set myself up with towels, sex toys, lube and a large mirror to watch myself. It was a good session, with continued exploring of clothespins and adding more pain with them on the breasts and for the first time on your pussy (which was stuffed with the Lush and a dildo at the time). I did get some time in subspace, right after the first time you ordered me to cum. There was also a level of humor, intimacy and familiarity between us in this session that was pleasing to me. I do feel that you have opened up to me more and are letting me get to know you, sharing some of the things that are happening in your life and respectfully asking for my thoughts on them. This added warmth and connection in our relationship is welcomed and appreciated. You spent a lot of time and energy on me as well and that was deeply appreciated, My Master.

RG

I have decided to use initials for the other men and women in my life when I talk about them in this blog, My Master. You had suggested perhaps I should start a second blog about my “Slut” adventures but other than my dread of having to write even more diary entries I also want to keep my BDSM and other non monogamous sexual experiences less fractured. I consider all of this part of my sexual journey. I think it’s interesting that you suggested I write about them separately, perhaps an unconscious desire on your part to keep a boundary between your relationship with me as your Slave and my experiences and adventures outside of my time with you. But if this body is truly your Property, My Master then you must be at peace with allowing it to be pleasured in your absence. You must grant me that permission to explore and enjoy sex with another man, a dominant man. I don’t think that is easy for you, although you have not forbidden it. My husband is easier because you know our dynamic and our love is not a threat to you. But perhaps this new lover is.

We’re to meet this week and he seems quite interested in me, although he can blow hot and cold at times. Our relationship has been explicitly sexual since the beginning and I won’t lie to you My Master, I do want to have sex with him. I don’t know how much to tell you about it all. I don’t want you to give me too many restrictions, to sabotage this budding relationship with strange demands. But I do want to show you respect, to honor my bond and my obligations to you as your Property, to reassure you that you own me, mind, body and more and more, heart. I want you to feel confident that you can let your Slut play with her toys, mechanical and human, with impunity, just like you grant me freebie orgasms, to keep my hunger slated temporarily, until you can satisfy me completely yourself.

Weekly Update 3/30/20-4/5/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Bad Bad Bad

Such a disobedient slut

Using something that NO LONGER BELONGS to you

I will have to think up a proper painful punishment”

I am sorry, My Master

Disobedience

We made a deal over the weekend that I could have two orgasms in exchange for doing something for you, which I was not allowed to know in advance. Of course I said yes because I am always curious what your devious mind is going to come up with. Which was that I was to edge for five minutes on the hour while awake until I had your permission to cum. I was also to remain plugged the entire time. I set my phone to alarm and my timer for five minutes and had a strange day of doing chores and texting friends while rubbing my clit what began to feel like every time I turned around. This continued on and on until I thought I was going to lose my mind; all I could think about was fucking and the most obscene images were constantly going through my mind. I was sexting with a potential lover and kept escalating the conversation above what I would normally do because I was ridiculously horny.

Finally I had a moment alone, hiding down in the laundry room with the satisfier and I texted you for permission to cum. You responded favorably and so I believed that I would finally be relieved. However right when I was about to orgasm, I texted you for permission and you responded “No” and told me to turn off the satisfier. My heart fell and I felt so disappointed and angry. I felt tricked. I had been playing your game (which I had agreed to, of course) for so long and it was no longer really fun. Your clit was throbbing as I knelt there on the dirty rug, a whisper away from climax. You told me I could pull out the anal plug and try to make myself cum by fucking my ass with my fingers. I took a deep breath and followed your instructions. The anal play felt so good…but not good enough to cum and I turned back on the satisfier and started using it on your clit. The combined sensations were intense. Anal and clit stim together are a favorite for me, but something was nagging at me. I turned the toy off and read your next text, which was ruthlessly degrading me for being a pathetic slave.

I made a decision to tell you what I had done. I could have said nothing. I could have cum three times in a row using all your holes however I chose and you would never know. But that would mean this relationship is just an amusement, just a diversion and not something I am really committing myself to, to learn from you and explore submission. You have told me several times that the most important thing you need from me is honesty.

You were not happy to say the least. You scolded me for my disobedience, obviously I didn’t get to cum and you unplugged me immediately and told me to stop edging. I was so scared you were not going to talk to me the rest of the day which would have been terrible but you did sent me a neutral texts which soothed me. You didn’t punish me right away, which was a bit anxiety provoking as well. You often don’t communicate what I should expect or at least that is how it feels and I feel uncertain about where I stand. Finally I asked you what my punishment was and you told me I was to remain unplugged until the next weekend.

Punishment

At first being unplugged was a relief. After edging and being so tied up with you for the later part of the weekend, being free of the plug and vaginal weights felt so light. I had a great workout without having to feel or think about them and I felt more present in the rest of my life, not being distracted by edging. This was a challenging week for me at work and in other areas of my life and as the week went on I felt more and more distant and slightly annoyed with you. I felt like you were busy and our interactions were rather dull. You’d send me a few texts, mostly pornographic images. You gave me no tasks and the sexting was much less intense or frequent than it has been in the past.

As the demands in the rest of my life steadily increased I became resentful that you didn’t seem to notice or respond to my increased emotions and distress. You sent me some limit pushing images which I felt was unnecessarily provocative given how much I was struggling. I responded with anger or as you like to call it “sass”. After which you tried to engage me in a supportive way outside of the BSDM framework, dropping our titles, but I was too upset at that point and essentially told you to go away. That night I felt so far from you. I doubted if you cared enough about me as a friend to even bother to understand what kind of pressure I was under. You seemed out of synch with me. Illogically, I was disappointed that you had failed to reach me even though I know I was pushing you away. Later we talked about it and I tried to explain.

I still don’t know what to tell you about my anger. I am not an easy person. I am not an easy submissive. I feel bad about that and wish that I could be less complicated, difficult, contradictory and needy than I actually am. A great fear I carry is that I am going to exhaust the people I love if I ever express my true self.

Other Men

I have a fun new relationship beginning in this inauspicious time with a local cute, kinky, widowed man who likes running and coffee and sexting me. He was supposed to come up and meet me this week after a much longer period of texting than I would normally ever allow. He was going to bring me a home cooked meal at work for lunch and I had every intention of making out with him like crazy in the car, maybe even let him finger me if the mood was right. I had a premonition in the days before that it was going to fall through and I was correct. Due to COVID complications he was unable to come up. I was surprised at how disappointed I was. It felt like nothing in my life was going right and all my pleasures were being denied. I have been missing male admiration, attention and conquest very much.

This whole situation did bring up some important conversation about my outside relationships and what limits you will try to impose on them. I have a lot of anxiety about this as I want your involvement to be limited and I feel you do not agree. I agree my lovers need to know that you exist and have ownership of me but you also asked me to give my new lover a ridiculous title and only refer to him by it, which I declined. It’s already so hard for me to connect with decent people given my unique situation that anything that will make me seem even more odd or otherwise make me act in ways that are not natural to me I must reject if I am to have any chance of being successful in finding a quality relationship. I initially agreed to our relationship under the promise that I would be able to have outside sexual connections and I will hold you to that, My Master.

I decided not to use titles at all with this potential lover. He has naturally taken a firmly dominant position towards me, like most men do who are sexually attracted to me. He accepted your presence easily and seems to understand that I want a play partner and not another Dom. I am going to be careful to maintain that boundary with him and other men as don’t want to feel torn trying to serve two masters. I want to serve you and keep myself amused while I wait to kneel at your feet. This new lover is kinky and exciting, promising me fun play with threesomes of all types, impact play and light degradation and his sexting has been wonderful, full, evocative scenarios showing a mature and experienced lover. It is yet another strange long distance relationship during this odd time in the world and in my life. I hope you are able to give me the freedom I desire to explore with another man. I have no idea if that bothers you or not. I think you would rather I did not, and this is another way I feel I am a challenging and difficult sub.

Weekly Update 3/23/20-3/29/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good girl, How does that make you feel?”

I’m fairly intoxicated currently but weirdly aroused and freaked out

“Which FEELS Correct?”

Slut SLAVE, My Sir

But gah! That’s so weird

“Now put it all together”

Pathetic Slut Slave, My Sir

My Husband Reads The Blog

So after posting last week, I happened to mention to my husband that I had referenced him in this blog. He already knew that it existed and in fact, helped me set it up so I was shocked when he became very upset that I had discussed him in it. I thought he understood that this was an anonymous space for me to process the effect of my relationship with my Sir on all parts of my life, certainly including my sex life and my most important romantic relationship, which is with him, of course. We had a lively conversation about limits, control and privacy which was heated at times. I will respect our limits by not sharing the details of what exactly was discussed on here. My husband didn’t need me to take the post down but that he wanted to read it and the rest of the blog so he understood what information was being shared. I had already told him he could read it, as that seemed only fair but asked him to let me know if he did.

Immediately, of course, I felt a sense of panic as I thought of the explicit sexual things described here and wondered what he would think of me. What he would think of me doing those acts for another man while I was in our home. Even more scary was the thought of him reading about my Master owning me and my holes. Traditionally, of course, your husband owns you and your holes. Our marriage is certainly non-traditional and yet, old ideas die hard and I am sympathetic that it could be challenging to sit and read about your wife calling herself a slave to another man. Later that night I brought up with him that My Sir and I were using those titles and explained that it was part of the BDSM relationship. My husband recalled the titles used previously between me and my female sub (Queen and Kitten).

I didn’t know when he was going to read it. Early in the week he came to me and told me that he had. He was smiling and calm and said, “there’s nothing there that I didn’t expect”. He told me that it helped to understand why I was in this relationship and he was even happy for me that I had found someone I could experience this with. I felt immense relief, acceptance and gratitude to have this wonderful person in my life, who could be so courageous and open to keep loving me despite the strange demands I make on him. I often feel like my sex drive and kink are a burden to him and my family and it was oddly freeing to have him see some of the “worst” of it and not reject me. On the negative side, I do not like having to share some of the intimate, special details of my relationship with my Sir with my husband. I feel anxious about him becoming a “gatekeeper” for me in BDSM, getting permission tacitly for my participation in activities that ideally, I could make an independent decision about. Funny, a sub advocating so strongly for her autonomy to get controlled and dominated.

Positives of Our Relationship for Me:

You had asked me what some of the positives of the relationship were after some criticism of the content of the blog.

First the sex. This is a huge motivator for me in my relationships outside my marriage and I still have reservations at times about our inability to have actual sex and need to rely on phone and hopefully someday, video encounters, for our sexual interactions. This week I bought the Lush and Hush, an egg vibrator and an anal vibrator with the option for long distance control which should bring a whole new dynamic to our sex life. You now control when or if I get to have orgasms on my own (which makes me feel so dependent when I have to bug you for permission and also continued shame about how often I actually masturbate, which I worry is excessive). I do feel a sense of connection to you every time I orgasm.

This week you gave me several fun, kinky things to do including having me orgasm multiple times while fucking your ass with a dildo first thing in the morning, plugging me and having me make myself cum four times in the shower (twice with dildo in my cunt and twice with dildo in my ass) and indulging me in a phone sex session where you made me alternate between slowly fucking your pussy and gagging on the dildo while I slapped my cunt for progressively longer counts. This weekend you have started a game with me where I “bought” two orgasms on Saturday morning at the cost of edging myself for 2-5 minutes every hour while awake until you give me permission to cum again. All of this makes me feel desired and sexy and engaged with you. I really enjoy sex and you know you can always get my attention that way. Other sexual things that have improved are my level of comfort with anal penetration which I have always enjoyed and I even had my first anal orgasm this week in the shower. You have introduced me to tons of fun toys, like the Satisfier which makes me cum in about two minutes. Sex with you is a real pleasure in my life and something I look forward to. You are the only lover I have had who is more kinky that me and that makes me feel less weird as well.

Our relationship has helped me define my interests and kinks much more clearly. I have confirmed my preference for degradation alternating with praise. I am exploring deeper submission and giving up sexual control. I learned how to set hard limits and defend them. I have used my safe words. I started this blog and through it, learned about how BSDM effects my marriage and my emotions. I have become more open to many kinks that I would not have even considered in the past. Just beginning to play with more painful sensations and learning how those effect me sexually and psychologically. I have examined my projections and expectations for a Dominant. Of course all of this has brought on a ton of feelings, some negative, but also a lot of growth. I feel like I’m communicating much more openly and directly about my sexual needs and preferences. I’m excited to see what it’s like when I actually have sex with a new partner since I feel like so many things have changed about me recently.

Pathetic Slave Slut:

Titles have been a big topic in this relationship and this week we further refined my title. I was wine drunk and working on a puzzle after a particularly stressful day at work, my husband was next to me, also drinking wine and texting his girlfriend. You told me that if you sent me some sex toys in the mail you would address them to your “Slave Slut”, later suggesting perhaps it should be “P.S.S.” with my having to guess that the P stood for pathetic. I’m trying to remember where the initial use of “Pathetic” to describe me came from exactly. In any case, I remember that I used that word to describe my no longer fighting against you and giving in to my submissive urges. You immediately recognized it as an important word and concept and have used it regularly since then in our sessions.

Pathetic means weak, deserving of pity, helpless; all things I don’t feel remotely comfortable accepting about myself and certainly not words that anyone who knows me in the rest of my life would ever use. I am generally considered a strong, even domineering leader. So this part of me that wants to crawl, to be collared, to be controlled and used feels secret and shameful. The part that wants to give up all the power and respect I have worked so hard to achieve and sink into mindless service to you is so hard to accept as equally valid as all my more acceptable qualities. Right now I just know I need it badly and I have somewhat intentionally stopped worrying about what it all means about me as a person, etc because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth currently. I just know I need it and even when my thinking brain fights it, my body and my emotions respond. There are so many demands on me right now, I am taking anything that helps and holding on tight.