Tag: punishment

Weekly Update 5/25/20-5/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

So I have my second date with *Real Name*

This Tues evening My Master

“Nothing more than a BJ and him finger banging you”

My Master

We need to talk about this

“You and *Real Name*?”

Me and *Real Name* or me and whomever, My Master

I don’t agree to you directing my every move

….

I will try it your way, My Master

And if I fail, you will punish me as I deserve

“Smart choice

I have faith you cherish me more than the dildo”

You know that is true, My Master

You are my Lord

I kneel down to you and wear your harness and your plug and soon your collar

I feel you with me in my mind and on my body, My Master

You give me something no one has every done before

“Cum, My property”

——————————————————————-

Hello, My Master

“Hello, My Treasure”

We fucked, My Master

I’m sorry

And I know I will be punished and I should be, My Master

Disaster

How lucky I am to be sitting here. Sucking a lolly in FC1, the weight of your birthday gift pressing down into your FC2, your plug snug in FC3, still flushed from the orgasms you allowed me earlier tonight. Still allowed to call your holes yours. Still able to call you My Master despite my failure to adhere to the limits I agreed to when you allowed me to meet with my first play partner since we began our relationship months ago.

The week had started off so beautifully between the two of us. You obviously had read my previous blog post and immediately shifted to a warmer tone, using pet names more often and giving me compliments. This had the effect of pouring kerosene on a smoldering fire. Whatever tincture of praise and degradation my brain needs was perfectly matched by you and I catapulted into blissful submission. Words, words, words are so powerful to me. I remember you texted me after work and I was in the parking lot of the drug store and I was describing myself using all manner of demeaning phrases in my relationship to you; Your cumdump, Your slut etc and you replied “My Lamb”. I pressed the phone against my chest and swooned. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You played with me on text with several extreme humiliation scenarios and I allowed myself to imagine submitting to such treatment and enjoying it. I contemplated and agreed to all kinds of vile acts for you, My Master, including crawl through the mud, through piss to kneel at your feet.

We felt so close that I was worried about how we would do with my second date with my play partner. I had met him on Fet and I had discussed with him that I had a Dom and a husband and was just looking for a casual and friendly, safe, sexual partner. We got along well and had good chemistry on our first meeting. I was looking forward to seeing him, yet anxious too, as so many of my attempts to date recently have been unsuccessful for one reason or another. And with quarantine it had been about four months since I had a fun sexual romp with anyone outside my marriage, when typically I have 1-2 side lovers since my husband and I opened our relationship. When I told you about the date, you immediately ordered that I could only participate in oral sex. I was unhappy as I felt this was sending mixed messages to my play partner and as I also wanted to be free to act in whatever way felt comfortable in the moment. I didn’t see any reason to wait until a later date as we had already essentially agreed to have sex, that is the main purpose of our relationship. But in that conversation you argued that I had already given you control over my sex life outside my marriage, that I was being a rebellious brat by disagreeing and that those were your orders to obey or not. When I asked what would happen if I did not obey, you told me I would of course be punished. Reluctantly I agreed to try, warning you I might fail and would then accept punishment.

I went over to his house after work, stopping to get some takeout for dinner. He had clarified earlier in the day by text if we were hanging out or if there was an option for sex. I had told him there was an opportunity for “playing around”. I did not specifically tell him beforehand that I was not allowed to have sex. Per your instructions I had taken my harness off but left your plug in FC3. We had dinner and chatted about our lives. It was an easy conversation, he was deferential and polite and I felt relaxed and confident. We were watching some Netflix when he finally leaned over and kissed me deeply. Things escalated from there and we ended up in his bedroom, where he discovered I was plugged. We were playing when he rolled over, slipped a condom on and said, “I think we should have sex”. I remember laughing nervously and saying “we’re not really supposed to do that” and then we were doing that. I didn’t stop it and I know I could have, My Master.

Once we finished, after a few quick cuddles and a little more conversation, I got dressed and left. I immediately drove to the first parking lot I could find and texted you that I had fucked him and apologized. I expected you to be disappointed in me, but also I though a part of you might have anticipated that I would have a hard time with this and be somewhat prepared for my failure. You texted back but quickly called me and that is when things got horrible. Your voice was so angry and hurt, although you denied it when I apologized. You were furious. You demanded that I block my play partner immediately, which seemed completely rude and unnecessary to me as he had never agreed to your limits and I was the one who was your slave and bound to obey you. You pointed out that I had been willing to end the relationship with him earlier if you requested and I rebuttled that now I knew he was a good fit for me and we had a pleasant relationship that I did not want to end, hence me position had changed. You became even more upset, saying that I lacked integrity and should be careful in the lifestyle because people would not want me for their sub. You threatened to end our relationship, which terrified me and I felt ashamed, scared, angry and just completely in shock at the intensity of your response.

I had been up since six am, worked all day and had just had sex for the first time with someone I barely knew. My relationship with you was imploding and I was guilty and distraught about that. I knew I still had to go home after this and process everything with my husband and be available to give him support and attention. All I had wanted to do was have a fun night of relaxing sex and it ended great damage done to my Master’s trust in me. Under so much stress, I blew up at you, saying I was tired of doing things for everyone else, that I had a very demanding life and that fun sex is something wanted for myself, something I felt I deserved and that I was angry at everyone and everything for making such a simple thing so unnecessarily difficult. You told me I sounded like a whiny teenager having a tantrum and assigned me to start therapy because you were worried about my mental health. Finally you told me I could continue to see my play partner but he was never to use FC3 and you didn’t want to hear anything ever about our relationship or what we did. At that point your hot anger had turned to ice, you obviously were filled with disgust for me. I was a total mess, physically shaking, crying and absolutely exhausted.

I drove home, talking on the phone with a close friend in the lifestyle who knows about us on the way, who provided plenty of love, support and reassurance that I was not a terrible person, that it was right for you to be so upset and that you would find a way to forgive me. My poor husband was waiting up for me and I gave him a brief sketch of my night, then apologized for being completely spent and went and took a long shower alone with my thoughts. He was concerned and supportive and affectionate with me. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep, thinking of you. I texted you another apology in the wee hours, telling you how sorry I was that I was not your perfect slave, begging you to take pity on me. I greeted you in the morning and I messaged you during the day. You didn’t even read my morning messages and I despaired.

Finally you greeted me. I immediately asked to speak to you on the phone ASAP and we set up a time to talk again. Thursday night, in the middle of rain storm I called you from my car. I asked you if you wanted to talk as Master and Slave or as our real names and you answered me “Both”, which bothers me somewhat. Your preference to keep softening that line between the power dynamic in our BSDM relationship vs. outside it. I don’t know what I am giving up by allowing that and it troubles me. However, I was not in a position to argue so I accepted your request and we began to talk. Essentially you held your position that I am a flawed individual who you now know you cannot trust to control herself sexually outside of your direct supervision which is a disappointment. You confirmed that you had also felt the intensifying feeling between us earlier in the week which made this mistake even more disruptive to our dynamic. You repeatedly told me that I had put a crack in the foundation of our relationship. When I protested that I was a new sub who was not perfect and that I needed guidance and help, that I had been clear from the beginning that I needed a sexual outlet, that I had been reluctant to accept this limitation when it was negotiated and had warned you that I might fail, that I had been completely honest about my failure and accepting of the need for punishment, you softened a tiny amount. You agreed that I had been honest and that I was trying to improve. You reminded me of how harshly you had punished me for my previous small error and explained that I should continue to expect rigorous discipline for my mistakes and failures. I wept off and on throughout our entire conversation as I realized how badly I had erred and how difficult it would be to recover your esteem and trust as your Slave. I also realized how deeply I value your opinion of me and how rarely I have let others down in my life the way I have failed you, My Master. Perhaps because you are asking things of me and pushing me to my limits in a way that no one ever has.

Since that conversation, I have poured myself into reconnecting with you and the work of repairing our relationship. I have begun searching for a kink friendly therapist. I have accepted and started practicing the wonderful new tasks you also created for me this week, some of which have mantras admitting my weak will power, uncertain identity and warnings of how I may lose my relationship with you if I am undeserving. I have changed my name on Fet to one you chose, which reflects my lowered status. I have continued to apologize, abase myself to you and have examined my behavior, both alone and in conversation with my friends and my husband. It has been a long and difficult week and I know I am not even close to being done. The reward has been your gracious gift of keeping me in your presence even as I am a worthless, flawed, out of control, impulsive Slut Slave. I am so thankful you still keep your hand upon me. You have not unplugged me (Thank you, thank you, thank you, My Lord). You are firm and merciless as you should be, in response to my mistake and you reject with scorn the parts of me that led to it but you do not reject all of me. You told me you still see potential for this Slave. I know that under your discipline and leadership I can continue to grow into the perfect obedience and submission that you deserve. I know that as an experienced Dom you can use my errors as part of my process of learning. Although this has been so painful, it has helped both of us understand me better. Perhaps you have learned something new about yourself as well, My Master. Now you have jerked the chain tight around my neck and brought me to heel. Now you see what a task you have ahead of you in training me. So eager to submit to your will up to a point and then, steely resistance and even disobedience when I am thwarted in pursuit of what I feel are my deserved rewards.

My feelings today are of great regret for my actions, sad awareness of my flaws, humility and gratitude towards you, My Lord. There are remnants of anger at myself for not listening to my own internal guidance about my limits and I will be more careful to do so in the future. There is anxiety about your expectations for me to be so perfect even as I am yet new and developing. There is worry that we will continue to struggle with my need for physical sex while you are away and that my continued engagement with my play partner will be a constant source of conflict and drama. There is guilt for not having kept my word to you and betraying your trust in me. My panic that you will completely release me from your worship and service is reduced but not resolved as I know not to become complacent nor assume that because you have allowed me to creep nearer that you have forgiven me. I have fallen and it is terrible. I long for the day when you will again freely allow me to worship you, when you can accept my devotion and obedience with an easy heart and when you can look upon your Property with pride and satisfaction at how I have developed and improved under your ownership.

Weekly Update 5/4/20-5/10/20

Posted on by Avertas

I will not be able to reach that goal, My Master

“You have until WEDNESDAY Midnight to accomplish.

All freebies and tasks are cancelled until then”

I don’t accept this punishment, My Master

“I am Shocked.

You don’t have faith in yourself

Stating defeat without trying”

“It is fair that I be punished, My Master

But I don’t accept an impossible task as punishment”

Punishment Again

Sunday afternoon I broke a rule by accidentally having an orgasm while edging as part of my daily task. It was a no orgasm day. I was edging in my bathroom, using the satisfier on your clit and your plug in FC3 and watching a porn clip on my phone. I was supposed to bring myself almost to orgasm and then a slow count down from 15. I have been working on really pushing the edging right to the brink of orgasm the past week. The satisfier felt so good on your aching clit and I knew I was very close. I got to about ten and I lost control over it. As the pleasure washed over me, I groaned out loud, “Shiittt”, because I already was imagining having to tell you about it and whatever punishment I knew was coming my way. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, just for a second, “You could always not tell; He will never know”. Then shrugging that idea off because one, I have already decided to not play that kind of game with you because it cheats me more than anything. And two, I am so under your power now that it would be uncomfortable for me to lie to you about breaking a rule.

I immediately texted you, feeling annoyed that this had happened as I had been in a wonderful mood earlier in the day and now I knew something unpleasant was coming my way and nobody’s fault but my own. Sometimes you are quite generous and forgiving, so part of me was hoping you might take it easy on me as this was not disobedience, but rather error leading to breaking a rule. Also I thought you might reward me with a lighter punishment because I was so prompt and honest in telling you. I was wrong on both counts. And as I am writing this I can hear you saying, “Why should I reward you for what is EXPECTED of you, Slave Cunt”.

You responded to my announcement with displeasure as expected and gave me a punishment of being immediately unplugged for 24 hours and a new task for overstim and forced orgasms. While I agreed that I needed to be punished and that the overall theme of the punishment was appropriate to the mistake, the initial demand of 15 orgasms in two minutes annoyed me as it seemed ludicrous. I remember thinking, if you just want me to torture myself with overstim for two minutes strait, just ask for that. Don’t make me try for something I can’t achieve. I was sullen and pouty anyway since I had been hoping to be let off the hook and I didn’t like the idea of being set up for failure. You know I have a low tolerance for failure in myself or others. So I decided to reject the initial punishment.

This was my first time trying such a stunt and I had no idea how you would take it. Maybe I would be told to shut up and be a good Slave and do as Master demands or maybe the punishment would be dropped or maybe you would pull us out of our roles and talk to me as a person outside BSDM to see why I was refusing. What you did was respond in a calm and measured way and explore what I thought was unfair about the punishment. You negotiated with me an acceptable expectation (which I still thought was unachievable) of ten orgasms in five minutes with three attempts daily until I either achieved it or I hit the cut off. I was a little sulky at the time when I was feeling angry, childish and wanting to provoke you, although later I appreciated the opportunity to practice negotiating limits with you in a respectful way that did not take us out of our dynamic. You also cancelled all tasks for me until punishment was completed as you wanted punishment to be my focus.

That night, after my household had settled, I told my husband that I needed some time alone and went to my bedroom. I had charged all my toys. I stripped naked, put down a towel, took a deep breath and started. I brought myself to the first intense orgasm relatively quickly and the next two were fairly easy and still pleasurable but then your property started to respond less to the clit stim and the g spot glass dildo I was using. I switched to the wand and turned it up higher, resulting in two more orgasms that were painful spasming with no euphoria or release sensation. I was up to five and almost out of time. Your clit was so tender and sensitive that it was agony to even touch it. I grit my teeth and pushed the buzzing wand against it again, gasping and writhing at the sensation as my legs clamped together in an attempt to escape it. My timer went off and I dropped the wand, already exhausted from my first attempt. Fuck, this is going to suck, I thought as I realized what a task I had ahead of me.

I rested a few minutes and texted you the results of my first try. What I learned the first day of punishment is that the first try is the one where you are most likely to be successful because the second and third try are almost strait torture since your clit was already sensitized and tender. My second and third tries I got generally between five and seven orgasms but they were hard won. I sent you a brief video of me writhing and groaning in bed, panting, mouth open as I attempted to force yet another orgasm from your clit. I continued to update you on my progress by text every day of punishment. I also sent you pics of your soaking wet, swollen FC2, plugged FC3 and clit, or my hand slick with pussy juice. The second night you suggested I try tying my legs open to help, which I did, using scarves and a soft tie from an old dress tied to the legs of my bed. My first pathetic attempt at self restraint. It did help somewhat. This punishment was time consuming, and I often started my evening workouts late in the night with resulting late bedtimes. I was also on my second week of work in a row, meaning I was tired. I was on my cycle leading to some messy and time consuming clean up. All of these excuses meant nothing, I knew and I did not trouble with you them. Punishment is intended to be inconvenient and unpleasant after all.

As I did have to keep disappearing into my bedroom essentially every night, I had to explain to my husband that I was being punished for something. Initially he was satisfied with that vague excuse, although later he became more curious and requested more information. I explained to him that I had broken a rule and what the consequences were. He became anxious when he learned about the level of orgasm control and zero orgasm days, worried that meant you were instructing me about how to respond sexually with him. I gave him lots of reassurance that was not the case and that when we were having sex, I was free to respond naturally, which is true. One of his understandable worries is that our relationship and its power dynamics will interfere with our married sex life. This conversation led to me disclosing more to him about my daily tasks than he had known previously. He seemed surprised at the frequency and intensity of my responsibilities to you. Partly because of these conversations and issues, I approached you about the rest of my normal weekly tasks, Motherhood and Squats which would have to be completed on the remaining evenings of the week as I continued to fail at completing my punishment task. You were very gracious and waived all the rest of my tasks for the week which was deeply appreciated, My Master (although I did find myself missing the edging at work).

Finally Wednesday evening rolled around and I was determined to achieve the goal of ten orgasms in five minutes. I had hit nine a few times so I knew I was close. You gave me permission to use FC3 that night and I decided to try a new approach of going for a softer first orgasm and building up from there. Again I stripped naked, tied my legs to the bed frame, and had my toys to hand. I unplugged FC3 and slid a well lubed vibrator inside it then started the satisfier on your clit. The vibe was buzzing away as I moved it in and out, stretching your hole when the first orgasm hit and I started the timer. I kept going, changing the position of the toys to keep the sensations intense. The orgasms kept building to a large one at four, which had me pulling against the restraints. I checked the timer, still a few minutes left. I knew I could get there. I closed my eyes and put the satisfier on high and pushed it down on your clit. My legs strained against the ties and my mind went nearly blank as my body tried to escape the painfully intense feelings. I got up to seven, then stopped for a few seconds and resumed fucking your FC3 deeply for several strokes while I let your clit recover. Little over a minute left now, I grimaced and tentatively put the satisfied back on, a moan escaped me as I was thrown almost immediately into full body convulsions of agony. But I would not move the toy off your clit and I felt the last few painful spasms rip through me with relief. I went limp and stared at the ceiling. I had done it and I was completely exhausted. I thought about how much I had learned from this punishment; that I could negotiate with you, that you could be reasonable and help me achieve my goal, that I could persist in something and achieve it, even when I though it wasn’t possible, practical experience in self restraint and overstim, discovering an anxiety of my husband’s and addressing it and reinforcement of the importance of adhering to the rules and how seriously you expect me to take them. I felt proud of myself and also silly about that, because who feels proud of something like having ten orgasms while tied to the bed? I guess a Slave does, My Master.

Integration and Disappointments

Last night we were texting late and you brought up a change I have noticed you making lately. You have recently been pairing my true name with the title Slave. You had started with this weeks ago, during play, and it made me nervous right from the beginning. One reason is that I understand the use of my real name to indicate that we are stepping outside the BDSM framework to discuss something. When you pair my name with the title Slave I am unsure about where I am supposed to be responding from, which psychological position.

We have been exploring how and why I keep the separate aspects of my life/personality/personhood apart recently. This partly came up because we were talking about my starting a relationship with the man I had been communicating with throughout quarantine, who completely and unexpectedly ghosted me this week after offering to make and bring me lunch at work. This was a first experience for me and we’ve discussed how it is bringing up the expected feelings of disappointment, anger, embarrassment, insecurity and reluctance to trust others. I can’t help but think about our relationship as there are similarities. What if you did something similar to me after developing this intensity and reliance on you? That would be so painful but I have made myself vulnerable to such suffering by trusting you. I hope I am not making a mistake with you, like I did with this man who completely wasted my time. I will say that with you, even if we never meet, I have learned a lot from experiences with you and that will always have value to me.

So this possibility of a new sexual partner, although now a moot point was the trigger for discussing how to balance the Slut and Slave parts of my life with the other more conventional but equally important roles I play. I was talking about how I would like to work towards integrating some of these roles, although of course, there will always be boundaries and privacy. I want these aspects of myself to feel understood, accepted and internally integrated inside my mind. On some level they are all connected, but just by the deep roots. You asked if we should continue to use my name with the Slave title or if I found it too distressing and although I don’t like it (yet), its fine to continue. It may be even good. When I don’t like something you often push me to explore it more and we find out interesting things. I remain open to physically and emotionally painful experiences as a path toward knowledge. However, I would like us to agree on another way to indicate that we are setting aside the BSDM roles if and when we need to do so. I am not ready yet to give up completely the option to communicate with you as something other than your Slave, My Master.