Tag: relationship

Update 11/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Thinking back, what 10 months

*Screenshot of our original conversation after Matching on an online dating site*

Did you think you would be here then?”

Never in a thousand years did I imagine a relationship as wonderful as this, My Master

I didn’t know anything

About myself

About what I was capable of

About serving a true Master

I’m so very lucky to have been chosen by you, My Lord

“True

And thank you for being open to such a relationship”

I think of all the boring, inexperienced Doms I could have ended up with

Yuck

“You would have Dominated him within a month

Or Less”

Yep 🙂 🙂 🙂

I feel safe with you, My Master

Your Dominance is natural to you and yet you have developed it and educated yourself

I think I present some challenges but that will just keep you interested, My Master

They are also opportunities

“Challenges are good

Plus your Huntress nature is just whip cream on an already yummy cake”

Homecoming

It has been a challenging month as we edge closer to the end of a challenging year…but as you say, challenges are good, My Master. I have not been writing the blog as I had an abrupt increase in my work responsibilities that required me to work longer hours and also be isolated from my family and friends. I also was working though a period of feeling distant from you, uncertain of your interest in me outside of as a trophy and a potential source of group sex, insecure about whether we were truly a good match and if either of us would be satisfied in our dynamic.

As I have observed many times over the past ten months, when there is tension in our relationship, the first thing to go for me are the command orgasms, followed by the desire to submit. Acts of submission are uncomfortable, unnatural and anxiety provoking when I don’t feel sure about being your Slave, like praying when your heart is full of doubt. I stopped praying when I was 12 because I hated that feeling of being fake. But I still went to church and sat politely in the pew, because that was expected of me and I knew my role. Similarly I have never stopped kneeling, following the rules and performing our Rituals everyday regardless if my heart is in them because I respect my role as your Slave which I have agreed to and in my opinion this is part of it. The discipline, consistency and dedication to keep getting on your knees for your Dom even when it isn’t easy, when you don’t feel connected, when you feel stupid and unhappy and lost.

Because we are adults and we have both worked hard on building communication in this relationship we were able to talk about what was going on. It is the same pattern we have seen multiple times now. You get stressed, bored, distracted, busy and withdraw your energy and attention. I notice immediately (like any good needy little sub), try to give you space, wait for you to come back, get panicky when you don’t, increase my acts of service hoping to gain your attention and praise. When that doesn’t work I feel rejected, hurt and angry, suspicious that you have found another sub who is more interesting, scared that I am going to get hurt even worse. So I then withdraw to protect myself, no longer feel safe, no longer able to submit with my whole heart because I am not sure of my place with you. This is all worsened a thousand fold by high stress in both our lives, lack of privacy limiting direct communication and a lot of uncertainty about what our relationship will even look like when we meet in real life. I freely admit that I am highly sensitive to feeling rejected right now as I am struggling with feeling undesired and rejected in my marriage.

We talked and we listened to each other. I asked you to please let me know when you need to step back because you are stressed and overwhelmed. That feels better for me and it is a normal thing to need a break. Being a Dom requires a lot of energy; it’s okay to not always have that. If I don’t know the reason for the changes in you, I will assume it is something wrong with me, that I am displeasing you in some way, that you are looking to replace me and that those feelings are damaging to the dynamic. Since that conversation things have improved immensely. You were reassuring that you don’t want to release me from your service. I explained why I was no longer orgasming on your command and my general lack of submissive feelings at that time. After few days of increased effort on both sides at attending to the relationship we had a good session where you re-established your dominance and control over me, calling me on video chat, putting me on my knees and then on my belly on the floor in obedience and worship of you, My Master. I had been waiting for you to do it as part of your duties as the Dominant and necessary to the healing of the breach in our dynamic. It was beautiful to feel that connection to you again, My Master. To kneel and obey My Master, safe in the knowledge that I am chosen to serve him. That he sees and values my dedication and the gift of my submission is not worthless.

Then both our worlds got crazy as you entered the last phases of preparing to return home and I was swept up in the stress of life. And suddenly it’s here, you’re on the doorstep, a few days away from being local. You have decided when and where we will meet, have told me in advance that you plan to use your FC1 at minimum and that all your FC should be available, with FC3 to be stuffed with the Hush. You have asked about my feelings and I am of course, nervous and preoccupied. I know you will like me, My Master, I am not worried about that. I know that the sex part will be fine and I’m fairly confident that I will feel submissive to you in real life. Although there is a tiny part that can’t help but think, what if I don’t feel it? What if I don’t have an urge to submit to this man in the flesh? Then what? I’m sure you are smiling now, My Master, at such a silly idea.

What I am more concerned about is everything outside the sexual aspect of our BDSM dynamic. The parts of you that you have not shared much but which you cannot hide if we are going to spend time together doing more that just kinky sex (and I am so much looking forward to the kinky sex!). We are sort of in a 24/7 thing, My Master, which is easy to maintain when we are just texting and exchanging sexy pics and nasty porn clips but how about when we spend four hours together having lunch and watching a movie? This is where I have no experience with how to act as your sub and also your friend and lover. I hope that you will be patient with me as we figure out that part, who we are to each other outside of the sex and kink and how we interact. It’s okay that we don’t have an answer to that and it will take some time because in that aspect of things we are just beginning, even though other parts of our relationship are so intense and well developed.

So meeting you is a strange and new thing for me, My Master. I have never been in a long distance relationship before and just that part, meeting someone I have been talking to for almost a year would be nerve wracking enough. But for it to be My Master, a man I have given so much power to, a man I have longed for, a man I have dreams and hopes about, a man that I respect and desire…well, of course, I am a mess. But also excited and hopeful. The only way out is through and I cannot wait for this week to go by. I long for the moment I can be with you, be claimed by you in the flesh and for everything to begin.

Weekly Update 7/12/20-7/19/20

Posted on by Avertas

“We are all set, love! I’m happy to see you!!”

“I am too 🙂

Thank you for setting this up

And one thing

No nonsense about me paying

Understand?

This is my treat”

“You’re silly. I’m just happy to spend time with you :)”

Good

Me too

But I don’t want to hear a word about the bill

And I’m not going to say it again”

__________________________________________

“Let me know when you arrive

Then keep up dated on the direction it’s going”

Yes, My Lord

“Good.

You will give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when you meet”

Yes, My Master

—————————————————————–

I stopped myself from kissing her mult times, My Master

“Why?”

When I took the picture I had my hand around her waist and was rubbing her

The waiter totally thought we were girlfriends 🙂

BC she told me she would be tormented with guilt if she did anything

And he couldn’t handle it

And all kinds of other nonsense

“But why didn’t you”

While staring at me with lust in her yes and letting me do whatever I want

BC I’m a good fucking person

“My pathetic weak willed Slave

is A GOOD PERSON”

Well…fine

Thank you, My Master

“The rest is on Her”

Yes, it is

I told her to tell her husband everything

A Date

A woman I know as a friend has been increasingly flirtatious. She knows I am bisexual and she has always had a submissive attitude towards me. Over the past few weeks she has fairly transparently indicated an interest in me and eventually she asked me out to dinner. I haven’t been on a date for a long time, as I only see my play partner sporadically and we do not date. I mentioned it to you and you told me that you would have a task for me that night. In my texting with this woman, I intentionally took on a dominant tone. I wanted to see how she would respond to that and also how I would feel about it. I enjoyed it very much and it felt good to be in the position of authority and control, rather than the needy, insecure feeling I often have as a Sub.

The night of the date, I texted you that I was getting ready to go and asked about the task. You told me to put in the Hush and I raised an eyebrow. However, I am ever your obedient Slave and I am always up for your kinky adventures so I complied, heavily lubing it up and replacing the nJoy which usually fills your FC3. The Hush is much less comfortable for long term wear although I have developed some tolerance for it and knew it wouldn’t be too bad. I was aroused and nervous, which is how you often make me feel, My Master. And curious, of course, to see what you were up to.

You started to give me directions about how to behave on the date. How to greet her, what to tell her about my lifestyle. I will be honest that I initially balked. The first image that sprung to my mind was that of a puppet. You have never directly controlled me in my interactions with others before and it was a new level of submission for me that was both uncomfortable and erotic. I also felt like it presumed that you would have influence and control over my relationship with this woman and/or other potential subs and I’m not sure about where my limits are with that yet. On one hand I absolutely appreciate your support and advice as an experienced Dom to help me. I am also your devoted and obedient Slave and pleased to follow your will and commands. On the other hand, I want to develop my own sub and honor whatever dynamic develops between us, which will be different, of course, than our own. I know that this conversation is premature, but it is something simmering in my mind and it will come up again as we both explore what it means for me to move outside of only the submissive role and for you to use me as a Switch.

The date was interesting. She continued to flirt, stare at me longingly and use pet names. I continued to look as hot as humanly possible, boss her gently around and generally seduce her. Which was, of course, effective. I stroked her hair, I ordered her drink, I posed provocative questions and gave genuine compliments. I made her laugh, I took her picture and rubbed the side of her body. She loved all of it. Finally I called her out and asked her to tell me how she was feeling about me. She admitted that she was very attracted to me and I was not misreading her signals. I reminded her that I was bisexual, explained that I had an open marriage and, per your request, told her that I was in the lifestyle and served a Dom. I questioned her situation and she explained that she had always thought she was strait until she started developing feelings for me and that she felt strongly that her husband would not tolerate her having a sexual relationship with me. She had not discussed it with him directly but he knew that she was interested, essentially warning her to behave while on this date. She said she would be tortured with guilt if she did something that he wouldn’t like and that he was an insecure person who wouldn’t want her to have a side relationship with a woman. I listened to her and supported her dedication and commitment to her marriage, feeling thankful that my own husband is a much braver and mature man.

This information about her husband put me in a difficult position about moving forward. I texted you updates and you gave me feedback. You also told me to turn on the Hush…and tell her that it was on. Oh, My Master. You have no idea how uncomfortable and humiliating that was. Here I am, trying to Domme and you make me admit that I have a plug buzzing in my ass (which felt incredible btw)! I tried to figure out how to casually work that into conversation, which I did on the ride home, where I had my hand on her thigh, gently circling my thumb and desperately resisting the urge to slide it higher, press it against her crotch and hear her moan. I told her about the Hush and that it was at your command and the poor thing was so overwhelmed I don’t think it even registered. I dropped her off at home and did not kiss her good night, respecting her limits, even as she paused and looked at me, wanting me to do it.

Afterwards you and I texted and I felt a little strange. I felt shame about my level of sexual need and being a “freak”. This comes up for me sometimes, as you know. It was probable triggered by comparing myself to this “normal” woman who was so innocent and simple in her life. Many times I wish I could be more like the other women around me but then I would never trade my exciting, crazy life for theirs, would I? You reassured me and you also explored with me why I had restrained myself from fully pursuing this woman after she told me about her restrictions due to her marriage. You know I have trouble with sexual boundaries. This is an area you are working to help me improve. You praised me for not taking what I could have and for being a good person. Then you made me cum so hard and so many times, sitting in the dark car on the side of the road as you turned the Hush higher and higher until I was trembling with need and FC2 was soaking wet, my legs wide open, moaning in pleasure, clutching my breasts.

Thank you , My Lord for such an interesting and challenging evening. You treat me so differently than anyone else I have ever met. You push me and I feel uncomfortable at times but I am feeling more and more that I can put myself in your hands and trust the experience. I still have that moment of wanting to fight for control but now I see it and I intentionally release it, bow my head and follow you.

Plugged Slave

Recently my husband and I have been discussing the impact of my being plugged on him. I have been sensitive to this since you first told me that I would remain plugged essentially at all times outside of work. My husband initially expressed little concern about it and even told me he didn’t mind it during sex. However, over time, his feeling have grown more mixed. I have been trying to get him to explain his thoughts and feelings about it to me and bringing the topic up more often to encourage him. The plug is a very important symbol of my Slave status. It is essentially my collar right now. Last night we went on a date, which he had expressed really looking forward to, although, interestingly he was too distracted by work this week to remember to get a babysitter or reservations. However we did discuss that and he apologized and confirmed he did really want to go out with me. He got a sitter set up and I found a romantic restaurant and a place for drinks afterwards down on the water.

I texted him the locations as well as telling him that I wouldn’t wear panties. This is something I don’t normally do but I thought it would be playful and sexy. He has been expressing more and more of an interest in wanting to do more kinky things with me and I am trying to introduce elements that I think would work well in our current loving and vanilla relationship. Like many men, he expresses a desire to “try anything” but it is clear to me that some of the things I have him try do not really appeal to him or excite him. Which is totally fine and valid but it is a process of trial and error to see what might excite him. Sometimes I feel disappointed when I see the confirmation that he doesn’t really enjoy a lot of the kinks that I do.

I showered and shaved my entire body and wore a sexy, short, off the shoulder dress and high heels. When I was getting ready, I considered not putting in my plug as it was a special night with my husband, but I felt that I wanted to wear it (as I always do). I found it very naughty and arousing to be both bare bottomed and with the plug in place. I bent over and looked in the mirror at your bare FC2 and the silver handle in FC3 with my long tan legs in heels and knew that view would drive most men insane. I imagined what would happen if I got a little tipsy and wasn’t careful with my legs or if I stumbled and flashed everyone. Of course, those thoughts of being exposed, humiliated and yet sexually objectified were very exciting for me. You had also been edging me aggressively all through the day and I was generally in a very sexual frame of mind.

The date was great and we had a lively, honest and deep conversation as we always do. We are wonderful companions and he is a man of intelligence, taste and humor. He also looked hot and I kept hoping he would take advantage of the situation and run his hand up under my dress and make me cum but he did not. That his not his style and sometimes I struggle to accept that. After we left the last place, having had cocktails and delicious desserts in a beautiful room full of beautiful people right on the water, I began kissing him aggresively and pulled his hands onto my ass. In the car he finally began rubbing my pussy and I was moaning and asked him what he wanted, which was to go home and have sex.

It was on the way home that he told me he was having mixed and fluctuating feelings about my wearing the plug. That it was intrusive and distracting mentally for him and he wished I had not worn it that night. He freely admitted that he had given mixed signals and I expressed understanding of why that might be. I asked specifically what I could change that would make him more comfortable with it and he said for now, just not to wear it on dates with him or, if possible, during sex, which of course I agreed. I again encouraged him to tell me directly to take it out when he wants me to. I did explain that I like to wear the plug, which surprised him as he felt it was being done out of obedience only. I again confirmed that I could take it out easily any time he requested and that it would not be a problem.

I spent a lot of time reinforcing that our marriage is precious and important and that I love him deeply and want us to continue to have an open conversation about how my participation in the lifestyle effects him. I also reinforced how deeply you respect our marriage and told him how you always take time to check on how things are going for us and never try to change or direct me in my interactions with him. He is struggling with me and my needs and I will continue to be attentive and careful. I feel guilty that as his partner I am not a better fit for him and that because he is with me he is often pushed outside his comfort zone and into challenging emotional spaces. I worry that my behaviors and sexual preferences makes him feel stressed and inadequate. He is a rare and brave man for staying with me despite what I ask of him.