Tag: Sex

Addendum

Posted on by Avertas

“In your mouth with it”

My Master, you rightly pointed out today, after reading my update, that I neglected to include something that happened during our play on Friday night. I was honestly unconscious of omitting it, and even when you reminded me that it had happened, I still had to scroll back through our texts to be sure of what you were referencing. And then my heart sank when I realized what you wanted me to write about.

Because what you had asked me to do, and what I did is very hard for me to discuss. You had told me to unplug and scolded me for questioning you and I was crying. You reassured me I was not being punished and told me to finish my task and I sent you a picture of the njoy plug on the floor after I pulled it out of your FH3. As soon as I sent that picture I knew immediately what you were going to tell me to do next. I felt panic because I knew you were going to tell me to put it in my mouth and I just…can’t. And I was right, you told me to put it in my mouth.

I looked at the text and I looked at the plug and thought, if it’s clean I think I can do it. So I asked permission to wash it and you said yes (oh, thank you, My Master for that). So I washed it quickly with hot, soapy water in my bathroom and then I put it in my mouth. It was surprisingly heavy and hard to hold in my mouth. You told me to send you a picture and I did and you wanted to know what I was thinking. I felt angry and humiliated and excited and scared and proud and overwhelmed. I was thinking that you didn’t need to push me this hard but I knew you would. You had me face my mirror and watch myself play with your clit while I sucked on the butt plug until you commanded me to cum. Which I did, of course, writhing on the floor, still holding that fucking plug in my mouth.

Some of the things we will do are not “nice” BDSM, not aesthetic black and white, pretty lingerie and tidy shibari. I am ashamed to talk about the gross and nasty things that are part of my humiliation kink because I know people will judge and be disgusted by them. They are disgusting, that’s kind of the point. It’s very intimate and I feel so exposed talking about this here, but I have done so at your request.

The other thing, which you brought up as well, is that my husband can and does, read this blog. And this is something I would never want to share with him because I know he would never find this sexually exciting and he has made jokes etc about more extreme kinks in the past, as have I. He and I had discussed having a flag of some sort on blog posts I didn’t want him to read and I mentioned today that this might be one of them. This led to a very good discussion during which he openly acknowledged that he had been occasionally kink shaming in the past but felt that was changing as he watched and read about my journey. He also reassured me again that he loved me and that other than rejecting his love or lying to him, there was very little I could do that would change that. I guess we are going to find out if that’s true, but I feel pretty sure that it is. And there is no flag on this post because I am trying to be brave and let him see all the parts of me, even the ones I would rather hide.

Slave

You have had me repeatedly take the BSDM test over the past few months and the results have shifted a bit, although no surprise that “degradee” is always the top of the list, followed shortly by non monogamous, submissive, switch, masochist, rope bunny in close order. But its obvious from inside the dynamic of our relationship that we have moved firmly in the direction of Master and Slave, which has not been reflected, however, by the test results. When I first took the test in late Jan, 2020 I scored 53 on Slave. And after our last play, where I called you Lord, came on your command, sucked my butt plug and sent pictures to you and abased myself by lying face down on the floor because I wasn’t even worthy to kneel any more, my Slave rating went all the way up to…67.

You obviously noticed something was off and asked me about it. I knew right away what the issue was, which reflects a larger issue in my experiences with being a traditional BDSM slave. I score so low because all the questions asking about being a slave involve some variant of “would you give up everything else in your life to live out your BDSM dreams” etc. And while that is a fun fantasy for me, there is absolutely no way I would ever give up my other three major life roles as a working professional, a mother and a wife to focus solely on being a slave. When I explained that to you, you understood and agreed completely and encouraged me to take it again disregarding the other roles I play for the sake of the test, answering just based on my personal and sexual interests. I scored 98 on Slave when I took it a second time, “with the understanding that I know you are not abandoning those core roles”.

It is always going to be hard to balance all the things that I am. I am a really complicated person. I’m also a really lucky person, because I seem to draw great people towards me to help me, to mentor me, to love me, to fuck me and to forgive me for being such a weird, difficult, funny, moody, smart, slutty woman, who also is an obedient Slave to her Master.

Weekly Update 4/13/20-4/19/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Has my Toy…

Come to terms a bit to the depths of Submission?”

My feelings are complicated right now, My Sir

I’m scared

“Of”

The depths

“Of fear…

Spread your knees wider.”

Yes, My Master

Of my submission

It’s like a sinkhole

I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself

And I will

“Cum.

Keep your body rigid.”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“New Experience….

High kneeling.

Body rigid.

Orgasming from my command

Relax my pet

Deep breaths”

“Motherhood”

You gave me a new task this week, based on a conversation triggered by an erotic video of a woman’s breasts being hit with a crop. I responded negatively, as I tend to do towards images of breast pain and that got me thinking about my own experiences with my breasts. Because I am a mother and nursed my children I see my breasts as both sexual objects, typical for my culture, and as well as nurturing and maternal with a family connection. I was pondering with you if that was part of what made me particularly protective towards my breasts. So, of course, you made me a task immediately following that conversation and you named it “Motherhood”. The task required me to use clothespins on my tits, another thing I have been resistant to, but I had already purchased them at your request. You did allow me to “soften” them by keeping them clipped open, for which I am thankful, My Master.

I like these complicated tasks, although it is sometimes painful to communicate exactly how you want things done. I do know and respect that it is important for me to do them correctly and as you have ordered. I like the demand for my time and attention. I like the effort you put into creating and perfecting it for me and feeling what you want me to experience. I like getting everything ready and the sense of “here we go” when it starts. I even sent you a picture of all the supplies before hand. I was proud of myself for doing it. I felt like a good girl and I wanted to show you what I was doing. The task was only moderately painful, involving edging, then putting three clothespins on each breast, then coming to orgasm, then edging as each clothespin was removed and then allowed to cum by fucking your asshole and using the satisfier on your clit. The hardest thing for me was cumming with all the clothespins on because I do find that pain, even moderate pain, distracts me from pleasure currently but it was interesting to feel how the perception of the pain ebbed and returned as I played with your clit and FH2. Removing the pins off my nipples was by far the most painful part and that was intense for me. I was happy I did it and thoroughly enjoyed the reward you granted me, like the horny slut I am.

I am inexperienced with pain as part of a sexual experience and I do appreciate you introducing this to me slowly and helping me explore it with you. I feel challenged by it but the more I follow your lead and have good experiences the more I trust you and am open to your instructions. I want to be more prepared for your return when you will be able to put hands on me yourself and inflict whatever sensations you desire on your property.

The Sinkhole

There was a shift in our dynamic this week and I have entered another level of submission (not embraced, but found myself suddenly here). I became aware of it after I had been masturbating late one night and I was having trouble having an orgasm, which is fairly rare for me. I thought maybe I was just in an uncomfortable position but moving my body, changing the mental fantasy I was thinking about, nothing seemed to help. I was getting very frustrated, that horrible feeling of pent up energy with no release and I thought, maybe I should think about you. So I imagined your voice calling me your slut and fuck toy and slave and also you commanding me to cum. My body responded immediately to these thoughts and your pussy got even more wet and I came quickly. I sent you a thank you text, of course, and then next day I mentioned it to you because I thought you would like it. And also, it was bothering me a bit that I had to think of you giving me permission before I could cum.

You did like it and you told me it was my training taking effect. Then you told me to cum, right where I was. At first I was amused and dismissive, because there was no way that was going to happen. And then…I felt my pulse quicken a bit, my legs relax and open slightly, your cunt began to throb and I squirmed in my chair in need. A few seconds later I felt tingling heat creeping from your clit and pleasure spreading through my body. And I was like, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL JUST HAPPENED?!? It wasn’t a mind blowing, push the plug out orgasm but it was definitely an orgasm. Without you laying a finger on me or me touching myself at all.

Of course I immediately remembered you telling me about a sub you had previously who would cum on your command and how at the time I totally didn’t believe you and thought that she was just a girl who wanted to please you and was probably lying to make you feel powerful. But, ummm, here I am having exactly the same experience. So of course, I considered if I was simply so eager to be your good girl that I had made it up but I checked later and FH2 was wet and slippery so something physical very much happened. I was pretty judgmental about that sub and threatened by the idea of a previous sub so devoted to you that she could do what at the time sounded like magic. You have since accepted my apology for such ignorance.

Of course you have been playing with this new development, strengthening it and that has been wonderful. A part of me loves it. Loves this evidence that I am your property and under your control. Even loves that it happened without my knowledge or consent. We never discussed this happening but it just did, a natural progression. Following these mental orgasms I get intensely subby, feel slow and drugged and floating and stupid and eager to crawl to you and be used as your pet and your toy. Once you had confirmed that it was happening everytime and you could even make me cum multiple times, things escalated.

Our playtime on Friday following the Motherhood task was… just so much. I don’t even know where to start. Great things, terrifying things, upsetting things. Things I long for and things I dread and things I don’t even understand. After I completed the task I messaged you. I was on my knees, naked and plugged, little lamb to the slaughter. I was thanking you for educating this slave. And you put my real name with the title Slave in your response, immediately asking me how I felt about that, which was confused and scared and aroused, of course. You pointed out that normal was gone now and that now I’m your slave who is happy to have your plug in her ass all day and cums on your word. In my text response I changed your title to “My Lord”. I deleted it at first, shocked that I had written that, wrote “My Master” and then took a deep breath, changed it back to “My Lord” and sent it to you with my heart in my mouth.

Of course I mean “My Lord” as in “My God”, as in an all powerful entity that controls me from afar and keeps me safe and tortures me and pleasures me at his convenience and for reasons I am not meant to understand. I feel so embarassed writing this because it is very intimate and I feel so exposed and vulnerable. Which is the other thing that is happening along with your increased power and my increased dependence and submission to you is that I am becoming much more anxious and scared that I don’t know you well and that you will hurt me because you cannot give me some aspects of what I need.

During our play you told me to unplug FH3 and I asked why and you told me if I had been in front of you in person you would have slapped me. At the time I was feeling overwhelmed and very subbed and childlike and that response just filled me with despair because to me being unplugged is punishment and I had wanted to understand why you were punishing me, My Lord. After I cried for a bit, I sent you a picture of my tearful face and you said my tears were pretty. (I’m actually crying now writing this.) We ended shortly after that, after hours of intense play and emotions. I desperately wanted to feel some warmth from you, some kindness. You have the sadism I need to push me to the very edges of my submission, I know that. But I also need to be able to trust you and to feel a connection to you of affection and that you desire and value me as your sub. So I asked you for that, I think somewhat to your surprise as you took a teasing tone, although I was very serious. And perhaps this is where I will push you to your limits, My Master. You don’t need to love me and I am not asking to be your only. But I do need to be special to you in my own way and to feel that I am. Meaning you must communicate it in a way that I can understand which means some praise, reassurance and affection. I hope you already know that you are very special to me, My Lord and I will continue to show that through my respect, my obedience and my worship.

Weekly Update 4/5/20-4/12/20

Posted on by Avertas

I will replug myself before I leave work if you wish, My Sir

It is not my place to do so without your permission

“My, my

My slut is sinking deeper into her slavehood

Yes, your owner wishes his Property is Plugged until further notice

Exceptions: when at work, when your husband requests it removed, medical reasons”

Ooooh boy

Yes, My Master

Connection

You replugged your ass, your FH3, which honestly it feels like you have fucked it at this point although you have never laid a finger on me in real life. I know you wondered if I felt better, felt closer to you, felt “grounded” as you say. Yes, that is true, which is embarrassing to admit to bc it seems like such a weird, gross way to feel connected to someone. When you asked me to stay plugged almost all the time outside of work I was not surprised. I had been waiting for that request for some time. I smiled and then I frowned, because it is a big request and it was very like you to launch it at me so casually. Hey, Slut, wear this butt plug for the forseeable future because I want you to. It bothers me a bit that you didn’t really acknowledge that it was a major act of service for me to accept. Maybe you don’t realize I see it that way. The crazy thing is that I did want to be told to do this, but still saying yes to that request felt like a big step.

It made me remember earlier in the relationship when you mentioned something about me wearing your plug 24/7 and at that time I reacted very negatively and with shock and scorn, really. Of course at the time I had no experience with plugs designed for long term wear but I don’t think that would have made much of difference in my feelings at the time. I remember being angry and that I would never humiliate myself like that. Obviously things keep changing. I keep changing. And that can be a scary. You told me this week that an image (frightened woman being held down by the neck with a leash and collar near a dog bowl while a man threatens her with a closed fist) was rated by me as a 2/5 in the past for initial appeal and this week I rated it 5/5. I have become so more aware of what I want and what arouses me, better understanding my kinks and open to new kinds since our relationship began.

Overall I think that is a good thing and exactly the sort of experience a new sub wants from his or her Dom. I do start to wonder where it will end. You once told me about watching a woman at a sex party get fucked by anyone who wanted her. And internally I was squirming because I have always had fantasies about being used by multiple men but the thought of actually living out that fantasy is scary. But if my mind can change about images and ideas then it can change about actions too. I guess it gets down to identity and values and “morals” and all kinds of deep messages we have all received our entire lives about sexuality and shame. It both troubles and excites me that I no longer know where I would draw the line because I am constantly redrawing them with you.

Who are you?

You had dropped hints in the past about wanting me to send you gifts as you are currently far away, isolated, bored and doing a difficult job. I am not a particularly good gift giver and I am busy so I conveniently ignored that until recently when you not so subtly told me to send you gifts. I felt guilty for neglecting you. So I went to one of the few stores still open and bought some treats and things for you. I would have like to go to the porn store and get you something naughty because I know you would have enjoyed that even more but I couldn’t due to the quarantine having closed almost all the stores.

It was strange buying you things because it really made it clear how little I know about you as a person. Our relationship is so artificial and we are limited in so many ways. It was a good opportunity for me to learn a little bit more about you and to just joke around with you a bit, which I enjoy. I still don’t really know if you like that. I feel like you are resistant to developing a friendship with me and I don’t know why. Of course, because I don’t think very highly of myself, my first thought is that you don’t really like my personality and find me annoying. Then I think maybe you just have firm boundaries with your subs and prefer to keep it very formal and just BDSM. Which I will accept although I think I would prefer a Dom who could make space for there to be casual, friendly connection as well. Then I think maybe you’re intimidated by ME and worry that you are hiding behind the BSDM roles and titles and rules etc so that I won’t know you as a person. Because then I can’t reject you as a person either. You have gone through several relationships ending in the past and this one is challenging and new, perhaps you are also keeping yourself safe.

Failures

We have had several fun and spontaneous sexual playdates this week and I enjoyed them so much and appreciate your creativity and skill in arousing and satisfying me both physically and mentally. But we have also had some failures and this has shown areas where we perhaps have different goals. For me, sexual pleasure and orgasm are an important driver of my participation in BDSM and our relationship as well. This week I have had some trouble orgasming with your instruction, mostly because of communication issues. I feel like we are always rushed and have no privacy, which is true because both of us work full time and have “roommates” with little control over the environment sometimes. I guess I need to be more patient but I am a greedy girl, especially when it comes to pleasure.

We had a spontaneous playdate in the basement when I was working out. You had told me I was going to get to play with FH3 later that night, sending me a picture of a woman fucking her ass with a dildo. I was excited and when I went down to workout I brought my suction cup dildo with me, hoping you would text me and maybe we could play. You did and had me strip naked and set up my workout bench so I could fuck myself on the dildo while looking in the mirror. You also watched me on video call which is something we had not done before.

This was not a particularly successful BDSM experience for me despite my being very excited about it and a lot of things happened that I enjoyed. I feel reluctant right now to talk about it because I don’t want to seem critical and I know how hard it is to top, especially long distance and on short notice. The signs of problems for me were that I was unable to feel that dreamy, subby, brainless feeling that I love from a BSDM scene and I wasn’t able to orgasm while I was with you despite a lot of anal and clit stim which I love and usually would be successful. I have been thinking about it and I also discussed it with a friend.

First the environment was difficult because my husband was upstairs and unaware that I was doing anything sexual much less buck naked fucking myself in the ass and pinching my clit in front of a giant mirror. I couldn’t secure the door so I just had to pray that he didn’t walk in on me, which wasn’t exactly relaxing. I could have told him that I needed privacy but I didn’t feel like having a long conversation explaining what I was doing and then having to process all his opinions and feelings about it later. So I just decided to risk getting walked in on and deal with the fall out if it happened. Secondly, I was insecure about my body because this was our first time doing video chat for sex and the lighting is atrocious in the basement, like department store changing room overhead flourescent and I did not feel pretty or sexy at all. Third, you didn’t have me lube up my dildo again at any point and it started to get uncomfortable and I felt stupid stopping you so I could do that although at one point I finally had to. Fourth, its hard for me to cum standing up because I lose control of my body when I orgasm hard and I will fall down. All of these are small things but combined it made the situation less comfortable and I was distracted and having a hard time getting into the right mindset.

The most important problem to my mind though is that you have recently been pursuing a line of thought about degrading me that doesn’t “work” for me. You were talking about me being ashamed of myself and making me look at myself in the mirror but I didn’t feel ashamed at all. I thought I looked pretty fucking hot taking that thick dildo up your FH3. You were contrasting my persona in the outside world, which is quite polished and confident and contrasting it with the image in the mirror, a naked woman pleasuring herself in an obscene way at the bidding of a strange man. But the thing is I feel like I am embracing that woman now and I value her.

In the moment it felt rude to stop you or say anything and I was definitely enjoying myself but I couldn’t help thinking that if you knew me better you would have known that some of the things you were saying were not going to work, because they are not true about me. I internally rolled my eyes and giggled when you used the term “prim and proper”, which no one would ever say about me as I strut around in high heels, make my friends laugh by twerking, drop the F bomb at work and have a darkly sarcastic sense of humor. Almost everyone who knows me would say that I am bold, funny, sexual and assertive. So this made me feel again like you don’t really know me as a person. The BDSM I like is personal in nature; you can’t successfully humiliate people with random statements. The key needs to fit the lock.

My friend advised me to talk to you about this and feels that in general we should talk more rather than just text about BDSM. So I requested and you granted me a chance to talk on video chat without playing. I feel like I’m forcing this communication on you. You agreed to a “meeting” once a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t like to force people to talk to me. I guess recently I am feeling the desire to connect with you as a person and as my Master. What do you get out of this? You never talk to me about these blogs you ordered me to write other than to tell me I’m somehow not doing them right. You never tell me if you are sexually aroused by our conversations or the images I send you. Do you masturbate to thoughts of our play or do you forget about it? You told me that a good submissive should be consumed by thoughts of her Master and I do think about you a lot. I’m sure it won’t be a surprise that my biggest question about you is how you feel about me.

Weekly Update 3/23/20-3/29/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good girl, How does that make you feel?”

I’m fairly intoxicated currently but weirdly aroused and freaked out

“Which FEELS Correct?”

Slut SLAVE, My Sir

But gah! That’s so weird

“Now put it all together”

Pathetic Slut Slave, My Sir

My Husband Reads The Blog

So after posting last week, I happened to mention to my husband that I had referenced him in this blog. He already knew that it existed and in fact, helped me set it up so I was shocked when he became very upset that I had discussed him in it. I thought he understood that this was an anonymous space for me to process the effect of my relationship with my Sir on all parts of my life, certainly including my sex life and my most important romantic relationship, which is with him, of course. We had a lively conversation about limits, control and privacy which was heated at times. I will respect our limits by not sharing the details of what exactly was discussed on here. My husband didn’t need me to take the post down but that he wanted to read it and the rest of the blog so he understood what information was being shared. I had already told him he could read it, as that seemed only fair but asked him to let me know if he did.

Immediately, of course, I felt a sense of panic as I thought of the explicit sexual things described here and wondered what he would think of me. What he would think of me doing those acts for another man while I was in our home. Even more scary was the thought of him reading about my Master owning me and my holes. Traditionally, of course, your husband owns you and your holes. Our marriage is certainly non-traditional and yet, old ideas die hard and I am sympathetic that it could be challenging to sit and read about your wife calling herself a slave to another man. Later that night I brought up with him that My Sir and I were using those titles and explained that it was part of the BDSM relationship. My husband recalled the titles used previously between me and my female sub (Queen and Kitten).

I didn’t know when he was going to read it. Early in the week he came to me and told me that he had. He was smiling and calm and said, “there’s nothing there that I didn’t expect”. He told me that it helped to understand why I was in this relationship and he was even happy for me that I had found someone I could experience this with. I felt immense relief, acceptance and gratitude to have this wonderful person in my life, who could be so courageous and open to keep loving me despite the strange demands I make on him. I often feel like my sex drive and kink are a burden to him and my family and it was oddly freeing to have him see some of the “worst” of it and not reject me. On the negative side, I do not like having to share some of the intimate, special details of my relationship with my Sir with my husband. I feel anxious about him becoming a “gatekeeper” for me in BDSM, getting permission tacitly for my participation in activities that ideally, I could make an independent decision about. Funny, a sub advocating so strongly for her autonomy to get controlled and dominated.

Positives of Our Relationship for Me:

You had asked me what some of the positives of the relationship were after some criticism of the content of the blog.

First the sex. This is a huge motivator for me in my relationships outside my marriage and I still have reservations at times about our inability to have actual sex and need to rely on phone and hopefully someday, video encounters, for our sexual interactions. This week I bought the Lush and Hush, an egg vibrator and an anal vibrator with the option for long distance control which should bring a whole new dynamic to our sex life. You now control when or if I get to have orgasms on my own (which makes me feel so dependent when I have to bug you for permission and also continued shame about how often I actually masturbate, which I worry is excessive). I do feel a sense of connection to you every time I orgasm.

This week you gave me several fun, kinky things to do including having me orgasm multiple times while fucking your ass with a dildo first thing in the morning, plugging me and having me make myself cum four times in the shower (twice with dildo in my cunt and twice with dildo in my ass) and indulging me in a phone sex session where you made me alternate between slowly fucking your pussy and gagging on the dildo while I slapped my cunt for progressively longer counts. This weekend you have started a game with me where I “bought” two orgasms on Saturday morning at the cost of edging myself for 2-5 minutes every hour while awake until you give me permission to cum again. All of this makes me feel desired and sexy and engaged with you. I really enjoy sex and you know you can always get my attention that way. Other sexual things that have improved are my level of comfort with anal penetration which I have always enjoyed and I even had my first anal orgasm this week in the shower. You have introduced me to tons of fun toys, like the Satisfier which makes me cum in about two minutes. Sex with you is a real pleasure in my life and something I look forward to. You are the only lover I have had who is more kinky that me and that makes me feel less weird as well.

Our relationship has helped me define my interests and kinks much more clearly. I have confirmed my preference for degradation alternating with praise. I am exploring deeper submission and giving up sexual control. I learned how to set hard limits and defend them. I have used my safe words. I started this blog and through it, learned about how BSDM effects my marriage and my emotions. I have become more open to many kinks that I would not have even considered in the past. Just beginning to play with more painful sensations and learning how those effect me sexually and psychologically. I have examined my projections and expectations for a Dominant. Of course all of this has brought on a ton of feelings, some negative, but also a lot of growth. I feel like I’m communicating much more openly and directly about my sexual needs and preferences. I’m excited to see what it’s like when I actually have sex with a new partner since I feel like so many things have changed about me recently.

Pathetic Slave Slut:

Titles have been a big topic in this relationship and this week we further refined my title. I was wine drunk and working on a puzzle after a particularly stressful day at work, my husband was next to me, also drinking wine and texting his girlfriend. You told me that if you sent me some sex toys in the mail you would address them to your “Slave Slut”, later suggesting perhaps it should be “P.S.S.” with my having to guess that the P stood for pathetic. I’m trying to remember where the initial use of “Pathetic” to describe me came from exactly. In any case, I remember that I used that word to describe my no longer fighting against you and giving in to my submissive urges. You immediately recognized it as an important word and concept and have used it regularly since then in our sessions.

Pathetic means weak, deserving of pity, helpless; all things I don’t feel remotely comfortable accepting about myself and certainly not words that anyone who knows me in the rest of my life would ever use. I am generally considered a strong, even domineering leader. So this part of me that wants to crawl, to be collared, to be controlled and used feels secret and shameful. The part that wants to give up all the power and respect I have worked so hard to achieve and sink into mindless service to you is so hard to accept as equally valid as all my more acceptable qualities. Right now I just know I need it badly and I have somewhat intentionally stopped worrying about what it all means about me as a person, etc because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth currently. I just know I need it and even when my thinking brain fights it, my body and my emotions respond. There are so many demands on me right now, I am taking anything that helps and holding on tight.

Weekly Update 3/15/20-3/22/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Why is my Toy, “often angry”?

Cuz shit pisses me off, of course, My Sir

And then I get over it and move on

“Shit”

“What sort of Shit, Princess?”

Stupid men, stupid work, stupid me

“Ok”

“Which do you have control over, J–?”

I don’t really know how to organize this. I think you want a sort of detailed account of everything but there is just so much that is happening in every sphere of my life right now it all blurs together. My brain doesn’t really focus on the past. I am a creature of the present and the moment I care about is the one that comes next. This is not necessarily a strength.

This week I got mad at you. Work and my personal life have been intensely stressful as the world slowly crumbles a bit and I’m in a position to have to respond to that actively rather than run away and hide like most people. Which I like. I want to help and to be part of the rescue although I am anxious just like everyone else. You felt a bit distant and seemed busy or that was my perception anyway. Maybe I was just more needy and was projecting. Probably, since I hate to admit being needy and would much rather blame the other person for not being available. I feel vulnerable when I am needy. I much prefer to rely on myself than others.

Part of feeling neglected was that you weren’t plugging me very much. One day it seemed like all you were talking to me about was finding you other chicks to fuck with. I am bisexual and I am very open to fucking other women, both on my own or with men. The problem I have had, and it’s been in almost every single relationship other than the one with my husband, is that the man gets so damn focused on the excitement of me being willing to do a threesome that they start to ignore me and my feelings about it. I don’t take well to being ignored. I yelled at you on text and you handled it well. But I still feel my emotions on this topic are valid. I just didn’t want to keep arguing with you about it. Once I make a judgement based on my own experience, it is hard to convince me I am wrong. But I get bored with arguments that seem like a waste of time and will simply bow to another in order to move on. I was texting with a friend who I deeply trust about our fight and he helped me a lot, just validating and reassuring me that you had not lost interest in me.

Later that night you told me that you had left me unplugged on purpose, presumable to force me to feel that lack of connection to you and how much I missed it. And, of course, I did and that trick worked. I had considered that it was intentional already. I don’t actually know if I believe that it was but maybe. It feels manipulative, honestly, particularly as this is a really difficult time for me. I know that is part of my training as your submissive. I don’t know how supportive to expect you to be. How interested you are in my day to day life and problems and how I am handling them. It fluctuates. This is a strange, new relationship for me. You’re not my boyfriend or really even my lover. You’re my Dom. I don’t know how you define that relationship. You knew I was having a challenging week and yet you decided to add stress by reducing our connection to make a point to me about my dependency on you. The point was made successfully, but the timing wasn’t ideal. But then again, perhaps doing this during a time of stress (and really there is no end in sight for that) just amplified my reaction and in the long run deepened my submission to you.

Another thing that happened this week is that I continued my conversation with my husband about you, his limits and my being plugged. All of which was good and confirms that we have a strong relationship and he is an amazing person who is so radical in loving me enough to give me freedom to explore this relationship with you. I feel very thankful for him and his acceptance and understanding, which always feels like a gift. I find it hard to talk to him about this part of me but it is getting easier as I keep doing it and he doesn’t reject me.

We fucked me with your plug in my ass for the first time. He knew it was there, since he felt it when he pushed up against my ass in bed in the morning. You had asked me to remain plugged all night after our disagreement and I was happy to do so. Its odd, texting you with your plug heavy in my ass and feeling him reach over to snuggle me in the morning. Feeling pulled in different directions and like I’m doing something wrong sometimes. The sex was good and I came twice, enjoying the feeling of him in my pussy and your plug in my ass. I didn’t know if I should bring it up with him before we started but I didn’t want to ruin the moment and I figured, he knew it was there and was initiating it so… Afterwards, I was still sitting on his cock and I took his hand and pulled it around my ass, making him physically feel the steel handle of the plug. “How do you feel about this?” And he told me it wasn’t that big of a deal, either physically during sex or psychologically for him. I really hope that is true. I will keep asking him and be open to his feedback and comfort with this. He is not that interested in using my ass, so maybe that helps.

Yesterday the phone sex was wonderful. Hearing your voice made me so happy. I know you want my “inner thoughts” but I have a hard time remembering when I go into subspace. Really I am not thinking anymore in that place. I get to stop. That is such a joy. You told me that the plug is grounding me to you and that every time I feel it I will feel grounded to you. And I do feel it. I heard your voice in my mind later in the day repeating those words and it was strange and frightening and wonderful. I could hear my own voice change yesterday when you put me into that dark, dreamy space, begging you without even a scrap of shame left, nothing holding me back, reveling in calling you My Master. Sex is the doorway to submission for me.

At the end of the call, I said goodbye and I used your real name. It just fell out of my mouth. The interesting thing is I had an immediate stabbing fear that you heard me. I almost clapped my hand over my mouth, like a little girl who swears in front of her parents. You ended the call without giving me a punishment or reacting and I didn’t know if you had chosen to ignore it or didn’t hear me. I kept thinking about that fear. How obedient I have become, pathetic as we say. Because you are not even here to beat me! I would have to beat myself, as you have made me do and I would completely accept that punishment and inflict it without hesitation. Hence my fear is a manifestation of my level of submission. That just makes me feel like a crazy person and worried that I have given you so much power. Writing about it now though, I recognize that the power is GIVEN. I would accept the punishment because it is fair and I agreed to this relationship and your rules.

I brought this whole event to your attention and you considered it and offered that I told you because I am becoming your slave and I know that you want my honesty. You asked me to consider why it happened before you would forgive me. I think it happened because we ended the call quickly and I was still coming up from subspace and just starting to feel normal again. My brain scrambling for a foothold and using your real name rather than My Master was just a quick way to reassure myself, “We’re equals, this is just a game I am choosing to play”. An unconscious defense, rebuilding the walls. It was a surprise then, but it makes total sense to me now. It was not intentional insolence or disrespect and I do hope you accept that and forgive me.

Plugged

Posted on by Avertas

March 12th, 2020

Permission to masturbate to orgasm, Sir?

My njoy butt plug has been a very important tool in this process of developing submission and the first toy I was asked to purchase.  Initially I was completely turned off by idea of wearing a butt plug out and about.  First because the only butt plug I had ever used was a set of graduated glass ones which would be distracting and impractical for use outside of a sexual encounter.  When I got my njoy plug I understood much better how you could be plugged for long periods of time.  It is heavy and made of solid steel with a narrow tapered stem and flat loop that sits between your cheeks.  The first time I wore it I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it, the gentle shift of it when I moved, the weight creating a feeling of fullness that was pleasurable, little ripples all through the day.   You laughed when I told you how amazing it feels to drive my rickety old beater of a car with all it’s vibrations and the plug in your ass.

It has been used for both pleasure and for punishment.  One of my first punishments was to wear it for an entire day and by the end I was sore and tired of it.  Recently I wore it for a full day of activities including taking my children to lessons, talking with my husband, shopping, going out for lunch.  You were curious about how I felt about it. 

In many ways it mirrors my feelings about kink in general, something secretly pleasurable, something I would be embarrassed to have people know about, something I worry about intruding into my “real” life.  It was an experiment to wear it during a regular day of my life and it was not as bad as I thought it would be.  You didn’t let me take it out for gym as I requested and I know that was to emphasize that I am wearing it at your bidding, not at my convenience.  When you asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about wearing it all day, they were mixed.  Pleasure from the physical sensation, embarrassment that I would do something like this for a man I barely know, pride that I completed a task you asked me to correctly, annoyed by the end of the day by the physical discomfort.    

The next day you didn’t plug me at all and to my surprise and mild horror, I missed it.  I am plugged now as I write this and as ridiculous as it sounds, it makes me feel closer to you.   You told me I would be plugged more often than I ever expected and you were right.  I know I will be plugged the first time we meet in person too.  Perhaps you will unplug me then and use me as you wish.

Slave

Posted on by Avertas

March 7th, 2020

I am enjoying talking with you, learning from you and yes,

being under your control at times with my agreement

You said last night that when I was talking and engaged with you directly that I was owned by you

Including my body and the experiences of my body

And I both agreed to and enjoyed that immensely

This is one of the hard things to admit to.  Because it would shock everyone to know, everyone who knows me in “the real world”, as if this isn’t real.  You began so slyly with this, I see now how you have been preparing and I did see it coming.  I even told my friend that you were going to ask to be called Master soon.  I could feel it. 

During sex, during chats, you became increasingly more clear in your language of ownership.  When I went to meet another Dom, it was clear you were unhappy despite allowing it because you understood why I wanted to explore that option.   I can’t forget you telling me, firmly, strongly, as I was on the cusp of cumming that you put your collar around my neck. Telling me to feel it there.  Because I was owned.  Not just my clit and my holes, which I gave you relatively easily, but my whole person.  That was the most subbed out you have made me yet, after that orgasm, after that abuse.  I was floating, my mind scrubbed clean.  I felt like a child, drowsy and safe. 

So…I have let you be master and I have fallen into the pit.  Oh I want to be here and that is the most confusing part of all.  You say it is natural to me.  That it is the counterweight to all the power and responsibility of the rest of my life.  That you are just responding to me.  That I want to be the slave.

The thing is my feelings are so fluid and sometimes I am horrified by this, by what I am, by what I am doing.  Where does this end?  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I stop?  I don’t even want to stop.  Stopping is the last thing I want.  Is this an addiction?  A friend, who knows a little about this relationship, looked frightened when I told her about this, when I nervously laughed and said “slave”.  Asked me if this was a good idea, if I was safe.  I don’t know what to tell her.   It’s not safe or normal to be a slave.  Sometimes it scares me and sometimes it pleases me immensely and I even feel proud to be your slave.  It is easy though.  If I let it be, if I don’t fight against it, it is so easy to obey, to kneel, to open, to suck, to endure.  I still don’t know what that means or how to live with it.

Sex

Posted on by Avertas

March 5th, 2020

Good night, my slave slut

Good night, Sir, thank you very much for that experience

Something that has completely taken me by surprise has been the quality of the sexual experiences I have had with you.  Our first full experience was incredibly intense and novel for me.  You had already made me send you a picture of all my sex toys and obviously the majority of our conversations have been sexual.  So I thought I knew what to expect.

I was home alone and you had me prepare my body by putting my plug in at 8:30 pm.  I loved the strict time given, the sense of anticipation and control of it.  Control over me.  You told me to have ready my wand, my glass butt plugs, nipple clamps, wearing my njoy plug.  I chose to wear a black lace bra, g string and garter belt and black heels.  You told me to have a bowl of ice water and a bowl of warm water ready. 

I remember you were late for some reason, an exercise class went over or something distracted you.  I was kneeling at the end of my bed, towel spread with all the toys waiting, staring at my phone like a devotee at a shrine.  I was a toy waiting as well.  The water went cold and I got bored and started texting my friends.  Amused that they had no idea of what I was actually doing and wearing while we chatted about their day. 

Finally you called me and we began.  Your voice is perfect for this play.  Dry and calm and masculine.  I had placed my large mirror so I could watch myself throughout.  Your directions were clear and specific.  You had me vibrate my plug with the wand, feeling that amazing sensation through my ass and pelvis for the first time, then switch between rubbing the wand up and down my already wet slit and vibrating the plug.  You had me caress my body, something I rarely do while masturbating, pinch and twist my nipples.  All the time asking me who I belong to, who owns this cunt, does it feel good, slut?  And always, Yes, Sir.  Yes, Sir. 

You had me cool the glass plugs and fuck my own ass with them, the sensation completely new and exciting, then had me shove them all the way in, I remember wincing a bit as I was tight from lack of use.  You taught me to count as I slapped my pussy, always remembering to add your title.  I fucked my pussy, fingered my clit, stimulated my g spot all at your direction, all on my knees, all tied up.  Not yet in cuffs, in collar but in your words and demands.   For the first time I was not able to cum at my own leisure but when you said I could.  For the first time, I begged you for something with true sincerity, with desperation in my voice.  Despair when you started at twenty, joy when you practically shouted, “CUM, my slave slut”.

I know you want to know how it feels to me.  My emotions, not just my pleasure, not just how my body responded to your expert manipulation of my clit and my holes.   I felt anxious and eager when we started.  Surprisingly, or perhaps not, during sex my obedience weighs lighter on me.  Perhaps when my thinking mind is overwhelmed by pleasure and pain I can struggle less against my pride and my fear.  I don’t remember having an urge to resist you at all.  I wanted to see where you would take me.  I wanted to know if you could make me feel connected to you and disconnected from everything else.  I wanted to know if you could fulfill me and sate my hunger.  And you did.

The orgasms that night were intense.  Both times I came so hard I pushed out the plugs, much to your amusement and delight.  Rolling waves that had me literally writhing on the ground in my lingerie, gasping in air and moaning.  I felt immense gratitude towards you afterwards, respect for your skill, honored that you took the time with me and hope.  Hope that we could have something better than I ever thought possible despite the limitations.

The Struggle

Posted on by Avertas

February 25th, 2020

TBH, I’m still on the fence about engaging with you, Sir But apparently I’ve decided to give you another chance

Right from the start I felt the pull of it.  The desire to be on my knees, the urge to call you “Sir”, the premonition that you would eventually ask for “Master”.  I sent you a picture of myself on my knees fairly early on.  You didn’t even ask for it and my position was technically incorrect but you didn’t correct me, just praised me and I’m sure smiled, seeing how naturally I followed my instincts.  I also introduced titles early, as I complimented you on the names you were using for me, “Pet”, “Little Girl”, “Kitten”.   You allowed me to title you “Sir” and then trained me to use it to speak to you with respect.

But there were many times where I balked.  The first time you asked me who was a submissive slut I left it unanswered by text.   Your interest in more public displays of power over me terrified me as I need great discretion from my lovers.  Sometimes it seemed that you didn’t appreciate that, despite my insistence.   You spoke about the future and my participation and obedience in a variety of extreme sexual acts with total confidence that I would agree.

About a week in I almost ended it.  I told you it wasn’t going to work for me and thanked you for your time.  You had sent me an image of hard bondage with the woman fully immobilized, gagged, clothespins on her nipples and a vibrator strapped to her clit.   I told you it looked scary and that I was claustrophobic.  You told me it was wonderful and that if I was in that position you would make me worship your ass.   I didn’t respond to you but I messaged my friend that I felt you were not listening to me, that you were not tuned into my responses and it felt like a red flag.  He agreed that I should be careful and consider pulling back.   When I talked to you again, you were rational and reassuring.  You apologized and sent me more pictures of yourself and told me more about you as a person.   Once I engaged with you again, you quickly reminded me to use titles and I felt the grip of you on my mind once more. 

The Beginning

Posted on by Avertas

February 21st, 2020

During sex, if I’m with a dominant male, I’m compliant and obedient

and I enjoy that very much

Especially if I trust him and feel connected It’s kind of like being high

As I write this, ass plugged and a bobbie pin on my clit per your instructions, it has been just shy of a month since we began.  And it feels both ridiculous and perfect that I am here now, arriving of my own free will at a destination I would never have anticipated, guided by your hand, but every step taken on my own. 

We met by chance and your handsome, smirking face.  My side relationships were drying up and I went fishing on OkCupid for a new lover.  I had been pondering exploring BDSM , something I had always been interested in but never had the guts to really try.  And a few recent sexual experiences had confirmed that I did enjoy power play, both as a submissive and sometimes as a dominant.  You clearly identified yourself as a Dom and we began talking.

“The good news and the bad news” as you put it, was that you were away, far away and would be for a long time.  I have never accepted a long distance relationship.  I want flesh and touch and chemistry.  But….I didn’t have anything else to do and you were interesting, compelling and I decided it would do no harm to keep talking to you.  Maybe I would even learn something.

In the beginning you made several missteps with me.  Reading our texts, I understand now why you asked about my sexual preferences so early, but at the time it felt abrupt and intrusive.  You almost immediately began sending me obscene sexual images and having me rate them in terms of desire from zero to five.  I playfully accused you of data gathering and making a file on me.  I also consented, telling you “I will play your game”.  Of course, now I know you don’t need a file because you used all of that information immediately to begin training me.  And I would grow to love your game.