Weekly Update 4/13/20-4/19/20

“Has my Toy…

Come to terms a bit to the depths of Submission?”

My feelings are complicated right now, My Sir

I’m scared

“Of”

The depths

“Of fear…

Spread your knees wider.”

Yes, My Master

Of my submission

It’s like a sinkhole

I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself

And I will

“Cum.

Keep your body rigid.”

Thank you for the orgasm, My Master

“New Experience….

High kneeling.

Body rigid.

Orgasming from my command

Relax my pet

Deep breaths”

“Motherhood”

You gave me a new task this week, based on a conversation triggered by an erotic video of a woman’s breasts being hit with a crop. I responded negatively, as I tend to do towards images of breast pain and that got me thinking about my own experiences with my breasts. Because I am a mother and nursed my children I see my breasts as both sexual objects, typical for my culture, and as well as nurturing and maternal with a family connection. I was pondering with you if that was part of what made me particularly protective towards my breasts. So, of course, you made me a task immediately following that conversation and you named it “Motherhood”. The task required me to use clothespins on my tits, another thing I have been resistant to, but I had already purchased them at your request. You did allow me to “soften” them by keeping them clipped open, for which I am thankful, My Master.

I like these complicated tasks, although it is sometimes painful to communicate exactly how you want things done. I do know and respect that it is important for me to do them correctly and as you have ordered. I like the demand for my time and attention. I like the effort you put into creating and perfecting it for me and feeling what you want me to experience. I like getting everything ready and the sense of “here we go” when it starts. I even sent you a picture of all the supplies before hand. I was proud of myself for doing it. I felt like a good girl and I wanted to show you what I was doing. The task was only moderately painful, involving edging, then putting three clothespins on each breast, then coming to orgasm, then edging as each clothespin was removed and then allowed to cum by fucking your asshole and using the satisfier on your clit. The hardest thing for me was cumming with all the clothespins on because I do find that pain, even moderate pain, distracts me from pleasure currently but it was interesting to feel how the perception of the pain ebbed and returned as I played with your clit and FH2. Removing the pins off my nipples was by far the most painful part and that was intense for me. I was happy I did it and thoroughly enjoyed the reward you granted me, like the horny slut I am.

I am inexperienced with pain as part of a sexual experience and I do appreciate you introducing this to me slowly and helping me explore it with you. I feel challenged by it but the more I follow your lead and have good experiences the more I trust you and am open to your instructions. I want to be more prepared for your return when you will be able to put hands on me yourself and inflict whatever sensations you desire on your property.

The Sinkhole

There was a shift in our dynamic this week and I have entered another level of submission (not embraced, but found myself suddenly here). I became aware of it after I had been masturbating late one night and I was having trouble having an orgasm, which is fairly rare for me. I thought maybe I was just in an uncomfortable position but moving my body, changing the mental fantasy I was thinking about, nothing seemed to help. I was getting very frustrated, that horrible feeling of pent up energy with no release and I thought, maybe I should think about you. So I imagined your voice calling me your slut and fuck toy and slave and also you commanding me to cum. My body responded immediately to these thoughts and your pussy got even more wet and I came quickly. I sent you a thank you text, of course, and then next day I mentioned it to you because I thought you would like it. And also, it was bothering me a bit that I had to think of you giving me permission before I could cum.

You did like it and you told me it was my training taking effect. Then you told me to cum, right where I was. At first I was amused and dismissive, because there was no way that was going to happen. And then…I felt my pulse quicken a bit, my legs relax and open slightly, your cunt began to throb and I squirmed in my chair in need. A few seconds later I felt tingling heat creeping from your clit and pleasure spreading through my body. And I was like, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL JUST HAPPENED?!? It wasn’t a mind blowing, push the plug out orgasm but it was definitely an orgasm. Without you laying a finger on me or me touching myself at all.

Of course I immediately remembered you telling me about a sub you had previously who would cum on your command and how at the time I totally didn’t believe you and thought that she was just a girl who wanted to please you and was probably lying to make you feel powerful. But, ummm, here I am having exactly the same experience. So of course, I considered if I was simply so eager to be your good girl that I had made it up but I checked later and FH2 was wet and slippery so something physical very much happened. I was pretty judgmental about that sub and threatened by the idea of a previous sub so devoted to you that she could do what at the time sounded like magic. You have since accepted my apology for such ignorance.

Of course you have been playing with this new development, strengthening it and that has been wonderful. A part of me loves it. Loves this evidence that I am your property and under your control. Even loves that it happened without my knowledge or consent. We never discussed this happening but it just did, a natural progression. Following these mental orgasms I get intensely subby, feel slow and drugged and floating and stupid and eager to crawl to you and be used as your pet and your toy. Once you had confirmed that it was happening everytime and you could even make me cum multiple times, things escalated.

Our playtime on Friday following the Motherhood task was… just so much. I don’t even know where to start. Great things, terrifying things, upsetting things. Things I long for and things I dread and things I don’t even understand. After I completed the task I messaged you. I was on my knees, naked and plugged, little lamb to the slaughter. I was thanking you for educating this slave. And you put my real name with the title Slave in your response, immediately asking me how I felt about that, which was confused and scared and aroused, of course. You pointed out that normal was gone now and that now I’m your slave who is happy to have your plug in her ass all day and cums on your word. In my text response I changed your title to “My Lord”. I deleted it at first, shocked that I had written that, wrote “My Master” and then took a deep breath, changed it back to “My Lord” and sent it to you with my heart in my mouth.

Of course I mean “My Lord” as in “My God”, as in an all powerful entity that controls me from afar and keeps me safe and tortures me and pleasures me at his convenience and for reasons I am not meant to understand. I feel so embarassed writing this because it is very intimate and I feel so exposed and vulnerable. Which is the other thing that is happening along with your increased power and my increased dependence and submission to you is that I am becoming much more anxious and scared that I don’t know you well and that you will hurt me because you cannot give me some aspects of what I need.

During our play you told me to unplug FH3 and I asked why and you told me if I had been in front of you in person you would have slapped me. At the time I was feeling overwhelmed and very subbed and childlike and that response just filled me with despair because to me being unplugged is punishment and I had wanted to understand why you were punishing me, My Lord. After I cried for a bit, I sent you a picture of my tearful face and you said my tears were pretty. (I’m actually crying now writing this.) We ended shortly after that, after hours of intense play and emotions. I desperately wanted to feel some warmth from you, some kindness. You have the sadism I need to push me to the very edges of my submission, I know that. But I also need to be able to trust you and to feel a connection to you of affection and that you desire and value me as your sub. So I asked you for that, I think somewhat to your surprise as you took a teasing tone, although I was very serious. And perhaps this is where I will push you to your limits, My Master. You don’t need to love me and I am not asking to be your only. But I do need to be special to you in my own way and to feel that I am. Meaning you must communicate it in a way that I can understand which means some praise, reassurance and affection. I hope you already know that you are very special to me, My Lord and I will continue to show that through my respect, my obedience and my worship.

Weekly Update 4/5/20-4/12/20

I will replug myself before I leave work if you wish, My Sir

It is not my place to do so without your permission

“My, my

My slut is sinking deeper into her slavehood

Yes, your owner wishes his Property is Plugged until further notice

Exceptions: when at work, when your husband requests it removed, medical reasons”

Ooooh boy

Yes, My Master

Connection

You replugged your ass, your FH3, which honestly it feels like you have fucked it at this point although you have never laid a finger on me in real life. I know you wondered if I felt better, felt closer to you, felt “grounded” as you say. Yes, that is true, which is embarrassing to admit to bc it seems like such a weird, gross way to feel connected to someone. When you asked me to stay plugged almost all the time outside of work I was not surprised. I had been waiting for that request for some time. I smiled and then I frowned, because it is a big request and it was very like you to launch it at me so casually. Hey, Slut, wear this butt plug for the forseeable future because I want you to. It bothers me a bit that you didn’t really acknowledge that it was a major act of service for me to accept. Maybe you don’t realize I see it that way. The crazy thing is that I did want to be told to do this, but still saying yes to that request felt like a big step.

It made me remember earlier in the relationship when you mentioned something about me wearing your plug 24/7 and at that time I reacted very negatively and with shock and scorn, really. Of course at the time I had no experience with plugs designed for long term wear but I don’t think that would have made much of difference in my feelings at the time. I remember being angry and that I would never humiliate myself like that. Obviously things keep changing. I keep changing. And that can be a scary. You told me this week that an image (frightened woman being held down by the neck with a leash and collar near a dog bowl while a man threatens her with a closed fist) was rated by me as a 2/5 in the past for initial appeal and this week I rated it 5/5. I have become so more aware of what I want and what arouses me, better understanding my kinks and open to new kinds since our relationship began.

Overall I think that is a good thing and exactly the sort of experience a new sub wants from his or her Dom. I do start to wonder where it will end. You once told me about watching a woman at a sex party get fucked by anyone who wanted her. And internally I was squirming because I have always had fantasies about being used by multiple men but the thought of actually living out that fantasy is scary. But if my mind can change about images and ideas then it can change about actions too. I guess it gets down to identity and values and “morals” and all kinds of deep messages we have all received our entire lives about sexuality and shame. It both troubles and excites me that I no longer know where I would draw the line because I am constantly redrawing them with you.

Who are you?

You had dropped hints in the past about wanting me to send you gifts as you are currently far away, isolated, bored and doing a difficult job. I am not a particularly good gift giver and I am busy so I conveniently ignored that until recently when you not so subtly told me to send you gifts. I felt guilty for neglecting you. So I went to one of the few stores still open and bought some treats and things for you. I would have like to go to the porn store and get you something naughty because I know you would have enjoyed that even more but I couldn’t due to the quarantine having closed almost all the stores.

It was strange buying you things because it really made it clear how little I know about you as a person. Our relationship is so artificial and we are limited in so many ways. It was a good opportunity for me to learn a little bit more about you and to just joke around with you a bit, which I enjoy. I still don’t really know if you like that. I feel like you are resistant to developing a friendship with me and I don’t know why. Of course, because I don’t think very highly of myself, my first thought is that you don’t really like my personality and find me annoying. Then I think maybe you just have firm boundaries with your subs and prefer to keep it very formal and just BDSM. Which I will accept although I think I would prefer a Dom who could make space for there to be casual, friendly connection as well. Then I think maybe you’re intimidated by ME and worry that you are hiding behind the BSDM roles and titles and rules etc so that I won’t know you as a person. Because then I can’t reject you as a person either. You have gone through several relationships ending in the past and this one is challenging and new, perhaps you are also keeping yourself safe.

Failures

We have had several fun and spontaneous sexual playdates this week and I enjoyed them so much and appreciate your creativity and skill in arousing and satisfying me both physically and mentally. But we have also had some failures and this has shown areas where we perhaps have different goals. For me, sexual pleasure and orgasm are an important driver of my participation in BDSM and our relationship as well. This week I have had some trouble orgasming with your instruction, mostly because of communication issues. I feel like we are always rushed and have no privacy, which is true because both of us work full time and have “roommates” with little control over the environment sometimes. I guess I need to be more patient but I am a greedy girl, especially when it comes to pleasure.

We had a spontaneous playdate in the basement when I was working out. You had told me I was going to get to play with FH3 later that night, sending me a picture of a woman fucking her ass with a dildo. I was excited and when I went down to workout I brought my suction cup dildo with me, hoping you would text me and maybe we could play. You did and had me strip naked and set up my workout bench so I could fuck myself on the dildo while looking in the mirror. You also watched me on video call which is something we had not done before.

This was not a particularly successful BDSM experience for me despite my being very excited about it and a lot of things happened that I enjoyed. I feel reluctant right now to talk about it because I don’t want to seem critical and I know how hard it is to top, especially long distance and on short notice. The signs of problems for me were that I was unable to feel that dreamy, subby, brainless feeling that I love from a BSDM scene and I wasn’t able to orgasm while I was with you despite a lot of anal and clit stim which I love and usually would be successful. I have been thinking about it and I also discussed it with a friend.

First the environment was difficult because my husband was upstairs and unaware that I was doing anything sexual much less buck naked fucking myself in the ass and pinching my clit in front of a giant mirror. I couldn’t secure the door so I just had to pray that he didn’t walk in on me, which wasn’t exactly relaxing. I could have told him that I needed privacy but I didn’t feel like having a long conversation explaining what I was doing and then having to process all his opinions and feelings about it later. So I just decided to risk getting walked in on and deal with the fall out if it happened. Secondly, I was insecure about my body because this was our first time doing video chat for sex and the lighting is atrocious in the basement, like department store changing room overhead flourescent and I did not feel pretty or sexy at all. Third, you didn’t have me lube up my dildo again at any point and it started to get uncomfortable and I felt stupid stopping you so I could do that although at one point I finally had to. Fourth, its hard for me to cum standing up because I lose control of my body when I orgasm hard and I will fall down. All of these are small things but combined it made the situation less comfortable and I was distracted and having a hard time getting into the right mindset.

The most important problem to my mind though is that you have recently been pursuing a line of thought about degrading me that doesn’t “work” for me. You were talking about me being ashamed of myself and making me look at myself in the mirror but I didn’t feel ashamed at all. I thought I looked pretty fucking hot taking that thick dildo up your FH3. You were contrasting my persona in the outside world, which is quite polished and confident and contrasting it with the image in the mirror, a naked woman pleasuring herself in an obscene way at the bidding of a strange man. But the thing is I feel like I am embracing that woman now and I value her.

In the moment it felt rude to stop you or say anything and I was definitely enjoying myself but I couldn’t help thinking that if you knew me better you would have known that some of the things you were saying were not going to work, because they are not true about me. I internally rolled my eyes and giggled when you used the term “prim and proper”, which no one would ever say about me as I strut around in high heels, make my friends laugh by twerking, drop the F bomb at work and have a darkly sarcastic sense of humor. Almost everyone who knows me would say that I am bold, funny, sexual and assertive. So this made me feel again like you don’t really know me as a person. The BDSM I like is personal in nature; you can’t successfully humiliate people with random statements. The key needs to fit the lock.

My friend advised me to talk to you about this and feels that in general we should talk more rather than just text about BDSM. So I requested and you granted me a chance to talk on video chat without playing. I feel like I’m forcing this communication on you. You agreed to a “meeting” once a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t like to force people to talk to me. I guess recently I am feeling the desire to connect with you as a person and as my Master. What do you get out of this? You never talk to me about these blogs you ordered me to write other than to tell me I’m somehow not doing them right. You never tell me if you are sexually aroused by our conversations or the images I send you. Do you masturbate to thoughts of our play or do you forget about it? You told me that a good submissive should be consumed by thoughts of her Master and I do think about you a lot. I’m sure it won’t be a surprise that my biggest question about you is how you feel about me.

Weekly Update 3/30/20-4/5/20

“Bad Bad Bad

Such a disobedient slut

Using something that NO LONGER BELONGS to you

I will have to think up a proper painful punishment”

I am sorry, My Master

Disobedience

We made a deal over the weekend that I could have two orgasms in exchange for doing something for you, which I was not allowed to know in advance. Of course I said yes because I am always curious what your devious mind is going to come up with. Which was that I was to edge for five minutes on the hour while awake until I had your permission to cum. I was also to remain plugged the entire time. I set my phone to alarm and my timer for five minutes and had a strange day of doing chores and texting friends while rubbing my clit what began to feel like every time I turned around. This continued on and on until I thought I was going to lose my mind; all I could think about was fucking and the most obscene images were constantly going through my mind. I was sexting with a potential lover and kept escalating the conversation above what I would normally do because I was ridiculously horny.

Finally I had a moment alone, hiding down in the laundry room with the satisfier and I texted you for permission to cum. You responded favorably and so I believed that I would finally be relieved. However right when I was about to orgasm, I texted you for permission and you responded “No” and told me to turn off the satisfier. My heart fell and I felt so disappointed and angry. I felt tricked. I had been playing your game (which I had agreed to, of course) for so long and it was no longer really fun. Your clit was throbbing as I knelt there on the dirty rug, a whisper away from climax. You told me I could pull out the anal plug and try to make myself cum by fucking my ass with my fingers. I took a deep breath and followed your instructions. The anal play felt so good…but not good enough to cum and I turned back on the satisfier and started using it on your clit. The combined sensations were intense. Anal and clit stim together are a favorite for me, but something was nagging at me. I turned the toy off and read your next text, which was ruthlessly degrading me for being a pathetic slave.

I made a decision to tell you what I had done. I could have said nothing. I could have cum three times in a row using all your holes however I chose and you would never know. But that would mean this relationship is just an amusement, just a diversion and not something I am really committing myself to, to learn from you and explore submission. You have told me several times that the most important thing you need from me is honesty.

You were not happy to say the least. You scolded me for my disobedience, obviously I didn’t get to cum and you unplugged me immediately and told me to stop edging. I was so scared you were not going to talk to me the rest of the day which would have been terrible but you did sent me a neutral texts which soothed me. You didn’t punish me right away, which was a bit anxiety provoking as well. You often don’t communicate what I should expect or at least that is how it feels and I feel uncertain about where I stand. Finally I asked you what my punishment was and you told me I was to remain unplugged until the next weekend.

Punishment

At first being unplugged was a relief. After edging and being so tied up with you for the later part of the weekend, being free of the plug and vaginal weights felt so light. I had a great workout without having to feel or think about them and I felt more present in the rest of my life, not being distracted by edging. This was a challenging week for me at work and in other areas of my life and as the week went on I felt more and more distant and slightly annoyed with you. I felt like you were busy and our interactions were rather dull. You’d send me a few texts, mostly pornographic images. You gave me no tasks and the sexting was much less intense or frequent than it has been in the past.

As the demands in the rest of my life steadily increased I became resentful that you didn’t seem to notice or respond to my increased emotions and distress. You sent me some limit pushing images which I felt was unnecessarily provocative given how much I was struggling. I responded with anger or as you like to call it “sass”. After which you tried to engage me in a supportive way outside of the BSDM framework, dropping our titles, but I was too upset at that point and essentially told you to go away. That night I felt so far from you. I doubted if you cared enough about me as a friend to even bother to understand what kind of pressure I was under. You seemed out of synch with me. Illogically, I was disappointed that you had failed to reach me even though I know I was pushing you away. Later we talked about it and I tried to explain.

I still don’t know what to tell you about my anger. I am not an easy person. I am not an easy submissive. I feel bad about that and wish that I could be less complicated, difficult, contradictory and needy than I actually am. A great fear I carry is that I am going to exhaust the people I love if I ever express my true self.

Other Men

I have a fun new relationship beginning in this inauspicious time with a local cute, kinky, widowed man who likes running and coffee and sexting me. He was supposed to come up and meet me this week after a much longer period of texting than I would normally ever allow. He was going to bring me a home cooked meal at work for lunch and I had every intention of making out with him like crazy in the car, maybe even let him finger me if the mood was right. I had a premonition in the days before that it was going to fall through and I was correct. Due to COVID complications he was unable to come up. I was surprised at how disappointed I was. It felt like nothing in my life was going right and all my pleasures were being denied. I have been missing male admiration, attention and conquest very much.

This whole situation did bring up some important conversation about my outside relationships and what limits you will try to impose on them. I have a lot of anxiety about this as I want your involvement to be limited and I feel you do not agree. I agree my lovers need to know that you exist and have ownership of me but you also asked me to give my new lover a ridiculous title and only refer to him by it, which I declined. It’s already so hard for me to connect with decent people given my unique situation that anything that will make me seem even more odd or otherwise make me act in ways that are not natural to me I must reject if I am to have any chance of being successful in finding a quality relationship. I initially agreed to our relationship under the promise that I would be able to have outside sexual connections and I will hold you to that, My Master.

I decided not to use titles at all with this potential lover. He has naturally taken a firmly dominant position towards me, like most men do who are sexually attracted to me. He accepted your presence easily and seems to understand that I want a play partner and not another Dom. I am going to be careful to maintain that boundary with him and other men as don’t want to feel torn trying to serve two masters. I want to serve you and keep myself amused while I wait to kneel at your feet. This new lover is kinky and exciting, promising me fun play with threesomes of all types, impact play and light degradation and his sexting has been wonderful, full, evocative scenarios showing a mature and experienced lover. It is yet another strange long distance relationship during this odd time in the world and in my life. I hope you are able to give me the freedom I desire to explore with another man. I have no idea if that bothers you or not. I think you would rather I did not, and this is another way I feel I am a challenging and difficult sub.

Weekly Update 3/23/20-3/29/20

“Good girl, How does that make you feel?”

I’m fairly intoxicated currently but weirdly aroused and freaked out

“Which FEELS Correct?”

Slut SLAVE, My Sir

But gah! That’s so weird

“Now put it all together”

Pathetic Slut Slave, My Sir

My Husband Reads The Blog

So after posting last week, I happened to mention to my husband that I had referenced him in this blog. He already knew that it existed and in fact, helped me set it up so I was shocked when he became very upset that I had discussed him in it. I thought he understood that this was an anonymous space for me to process the effect of my relationship with my Sir on all parts of my life, certainly including my sex life and my most important romantic relationship, which is with him, of course. We had a lively conversation about limits, control and privacy which was heated at times. I will respect our limits by not sharing the details of what exactly was discussed on here. My husband didn’t need me to take the post down but that he wanted to read it and the rest of the blog so he understood what information was being shared. I had already told him he could read it, as that seemed only fair but asked him to let me know if he did.

Immediately, of course, I felt a sense of panic as I thought of the explicit sexual things described here and wondered what he would think of me. What he would think of me doing those acts for another man while I was in our home. Even more scary was the thought of him reading about my Master owning me and my holes. Traditionally, of course, your husband owns you and your holes. Our marriage is certainly non-traditional and yet, old ideas die hard and I am sympathetic that it could be challenging to sit and read about your wife calling herself a slave to another man. Later that night I brought up with him that My Sir and I were using those titles and explained that it was part of the BDSM relationship. My husband recalled the titles used previously between me and my female sub (Queen and Kitten).

I didn’t know when he was going to read it. Early in the week he came to me and told me that he had. He was smiling and calm and said, “there’s nothing there that I didn’t expect”. He told me that it helped to understand why I was in this relationship and he was even happy for me that I had found someone I could experience this with. I felt immense relief, acceptance and gratitude to have this wonderful person in my life, who could be so courageous and open to keep loving me despite the strange demands I make on him. I often feel like my sex drive and kink are a burden to him and my family and it was oddly freeing to have him see some of the “worst” of it and not reject me. On the negative side, I do not like having to share some of the intimate, special details of my relationship with my Sir with my husband. I feel anxious about him becoming a “gatekeeper” for me in BDSM, getting permission tacitly for my participation in activities that ideally, I could make an independent decision about. Funny, a sub advocating so strongly for her autonomy to get controlled and dominated.

Positives of Our Relationship for Me:

You had asked me what some of the positives of the relationship were after some criticism of the content of the blog.

First the sex. This is a huge motivator for me in my relationships outside my marriage and I still have reservations at times about our inability to have actual sex and need to rely on phone and hopefully someday, video encounters, for our sexual interactions. This week I bought the Lush and Hush, an egg vibrator and an anal vibrator with the option for long distance control which should bring a whole new dynamic to our sex life. You now control when or if I get to have orgasms on my own (which makes me feel so dependent when I have to bug you for permission and also continued shame about how often I actually masturbate, which I worry is excessive). I do feel a sense of connection to you every time I orgasm.

This week you gave me several fun, kinky things to do including having me orgasm multiple times while fucking your ass with a dildo first thing in the morning, plugging me and having me make myself cum four times in the shower (twice with dildo in my cunt and twice with dildo in my ass) and indulging me in a phone sex session where you made me alternate between slowly fucking your pussy and gagging on the dildo while I slapped my cunt for progressively longer counts. This weekend you have started a game with me where I “bought” two orgasms on Saturday morning at the cost of edging myself for 2-5 minutes every hour while awake until you give me permission to cum again. All of this makes me feel desired and sexy and engaged with you. I really enjoy sex and you know you can always get my attention that way. Other sexual things that have improved are my level of comfort with anal penetration which I have always enjoyed and I even had my first anal orgasm this week in the shower. You have introduced me to tons of fun toys, like the Satisfier which makes me cum in about two minutes. Sex with you is a real pleasure in my life and something I look forward to. You are the only lover I have had who is more kinky that me and that makes me feel less weird as well.

Our relationship has helped me define my interests and kinks much more clearly. I have confirmed my preference for degradation alternating with praise. I am exploring deeper submission and giving up sexual control. I learned how to set hard limits and defend them. I have used my safe words. I started this blog and through it, learned about how BSDM effects my marriage and my emotions. I have become more open to many kinks that I would not have even considered in the past. Just beginning to play with more painful sensations and learning how those effect me sexually and psychologically. I have examined my projections and expectations for a Dominant. Of course all of this has brought on a ton of feelings, some negative, but also a lot of growth. I feel like I’m communicating much more openly and directly about my sexual needs and preferences. I’m excited to see what it’s like when I actually have sex with a new partner since I feel like so many things have changed about me recently.

Pathetic Slave Slut:

Titles have been a big topic in this relationship and this week we further refined my title. I was wine drunk and working on a puzzle after a particularly stressful day at work, my husband was next to me, also drinking wine and texting his girlfriend. You told me that if you sent me some sex toys in the mail you would address them to your “Slave Slut”, later suggesting perhaps it should be “P.S.S.” with my having to guess that the P stood for pathetic. I’m trying to remember where the initial use of “Pathetic” to describe me came from exactly. In any case, I remember that I used that word to describe my no longer fighting against you and giving in to my submissive urges. You immediately recognized it as an important word and concept and have used it regularly since then in our sessions.

Pathetic means weak, deserving of pity, helpless; all things I don’t feel remotely comfortable accepting about myself and certainly not words that anyone who knows me in the rest of my life would ever use. I am generally considered a strong, even domineering leader. So this part of me that wants to crawl, to be collared, to be controlled and used feels secret and shameful. The part that wants to give up all the power and respect I have worked so hard to achieve and sink into mindless service to you is so hard to accept as equally valid as all my more acceptable qualities. Right now I just know I need it badly and I have somewhat intentionally stopped worrying about what it all means about me as a person, etc because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth currently. I just know I need it and even when my thinking brain fights it, my body and my emotions respond. There are so many demands on me right now, I am taking anything that helps and holding on tight.