Tag: Slut

Weekly Update 6/8/20-6/14/20

Posted on by Avertas

Thank you for letting me have orgasms again, My Lord

I wish I could show you my gratitude with your property

“I know, you stupid cunt.

You are making an effort to improve.

Do not backslide.”

I am a weak willed, pathetic, whiny Slut

I want to be owned by you, My Master

I want to be your perfect Slave and give you my obedience and let you use this property as you desire

I am so glad you can see how I am trying hard to improve

“Nobody is perfect

One can only strive to improve towards perfection

Or at least not a weak willed, pathetic, whiny girl”

I feel scared now to be less than perfect for you tbh, My Master

“Cum”

Healing and Service through Tasks

This week started with me still feeling in a tenuous spot in terms of our connection and your claim on me. You again modified my Tasks and the list grew even longer, with multiple public and private tasks as well as my usual daily tasks of my plugging and unplugging rituals, symbols of owernership (plug and harness) and edging. Luckily I was off work for two days early in the week, which allowed me to focus my energy on completing several of these new Tasks. They are excellent Tasks, of course, as always. A great strength of yours as a Dominant is your creative, devious mind which boldly challenges my obedience, courage and the physical limits of your property through these Tasks. They are fun, naughty, exciting and make my life complicated and interesting. I am grateful for them as an experience in their own right but also as an important way that I show you my obedience, dedication and stamina, especially as I cannot serve you in person yet. I will admit that the volume and intensity of tasks currently is high which makes me anxious about completing all of them. I will continue to work to complete them all for you and I know we can discuss if I am having a hard time getting them done. I feel more confident this week that you will not see any difficulty completing them as laziness or disrespect but rather just struggling with balancing my Slave Tasks with the many other tasks I must do for others.

Because of you and your instructions this week I fucked your FC3 in a public bathroom while sucking your plug, a task which left FC2 dripping wet and my heart racing. I ran errands with your pussy and ass stuffed with vibes and had multiple orgasms standing in the public store, cumming in my panties, so grateful for the requirements to wear a mask to hide my contorted face as pleasure washed over me. I tied my legs up high and fucked all of your holes at once with clothespins on each nipple, then edged for five minutes alternating between the Satisfied and the wand, with your soaking FC2 and opened FH3 still stuffed full while I whispered my Mantras. I lined up three dildos and did over a hundred squats, filling different holes as you directed, at times deep throating one dildo while fucking your ass with another. And yesterday I did a new pain task for you requiring ripping off 12 clothespins while having five orgasms, which you had me post pics from on Fet. I have knelt again and again in submission and worship to you. You have helped me with setting up these tasks, refining how you want them done, combining them, taking over at times to direct me yourself in order to have your property abused in a certain manner. The intensity and demands of the new tasks has been good for both of us and I have felt our connection improving steadily.

I am proud of doing these Tasks and I have enjoyed talking about them with some of my online friends in the Lifestyle who all appreciate your creativity and boldness in the demands you make on me. As well, they are impressed that I am eager to meet these demands, despite risk, discomfort and time demands. Many of them have said that they have engaged in similar tasks but never to the levels that you have already brought me without hesitation. None of them have ever plugged a sub as aggressively as you have or requested such intense public play. I am proud that you push me harder than most Masters would dare and that I can rise to your challenges. I think we have a special connection, My Master. I feel we are well matched in our energy and depth of need for power dynamic, and that although some of our specific kinks are slightly different, we can both grow and adapt to meet those as well. I am so excited by what we have and hopeful and also nervous about the future, as I know you understand. There is great potential. You are so powerful, My Lord. I am in your hands and they are merciless and wonderful.

Sub Drop and Aftercare

Likely due to the increase in volume and intensity of my Tasks this week, as well as perhaps continued intense emotions following my failure and our struggles over the past two weeks, I experienced sub drop for the first time this week. It was after a combination experience of two tasks, “Full” and “Restrained”. You suggested I make a hybrid of the two and actively helped me with the complicated set up, as you had specific desires for how you wanted your Property positioned and what tools and toys to be used.

The task involved two phases, the first is a physically challenging task called Full, which requires me to have all your holes filled at the same time for 80 strokes with a strong emphasis lately on practicing deep throating with FC1, which tends to make me gag and sometimes even vomit. I used to orgasm with this task with your permission but the throat training has made it unpleasant and difficult and I have not been able to do so since you have increased that expectation. This task was completed with clothespins on your tits, Hush buzzing in your ass, dildo in FC2, legs restrained and sucking the dildo stuck to the mirror, meaning I had eye contact with myself throughout and could see your stuffed holes. Then I restrained my legs even higher and moved so that the one on the mirror was now in FC2 and began edging your clit, alternating between the Satisfier and the wand while running the Mantra of Identify through my mind as much as I could, given all the counting and timing required with the edging as well as managing the physical sensations. As well, I sent pictures before and after each phase of your Property. I was allowed to orgasm through the end of the task and had several with my legs tied high and your fuck cunts clenching and spasming around the toys.

After the task I rested a bit and then untied my tight and shaky legs. I physically felt cold and very tired. I usually feel pleased and proud after a task and closer to you but this time I felt alone and isolated. I experienced a sense of worthlessness, depression and rejection unusual for me. I started crying as I was cleaning up and had to stop and just lay down on the floor, still shaking and crying. I had never experience something like this before but recognized that it was probably sub drop from reading about it.

Not sure what to do, I reached out to you by text, asking where you were and telling you I needed you. Its very hard for me to say that, btw. That I need you. Admitting dependency and weakness makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. You did not respond at the time and I felt even more alone and uncertain. It felt like so many other times in my life when I was not helped when I was hurting. That is how I learned that I cannot rely on other people to help. I can only trust myself. I have to take care of myself, protect myself and be stronger than anything that happens to me in my life. I will not allow myself to fail. But then, of course, I am human and I fail all the time. Part of this journey has been admitting to myself that I am weak, that I do fail, that I need people and I need help and accepting that, allowing more honest connection, allowing loss of control over everything, allowing myself and others to see my weaknesses and forgive me for them.

Finally I stopped crying, regrouped, cleaned up and went to bed. I felt emotionally empty and numb and physically sore and fatigued. You texted me later that night and explained that you had lost internet and had fallen asleep. I understood with my rational mind and was not upset but still had lingering feelings of disappointment and detachment. Your tone was light and it felt like you were unconcerned and not really understanding how intense the experience had been to go through without you. To be fair, I did not disclose to you the full depth of what had happened. Because, of course, I did not want to seem needy or to ask you for more support that you might be unwilling or unable to give me.

The next morning I woke up depressed and with a terrible headache. I told you that morning that I was not feeling well but you did not explore it. I texted about the sub drop with a friend who expressed a lot of support and concern about my going through this without your help. He also normalized it for me and told me I was doing well, sending me some posts to lighten my mood. To be honest, I would have appreciated that kind of concern and support from you instead. As the day went on I gradually felt better and by the late afternoon my energy and mood was again at my usual high levels. I listened to a voice recording you had sent me telling me an erotic fantasy and it was so wonderful to hear your voice. I listened to it several times and it made me smile and remember how lucky I am to have you as my Master. I sent you my own voice message on the way home from work, letting you know that I had been thinking of you and how much I appreciated you.

The next few tasks I was worried about experiencing similar drop, but thankfully it did not occur. Yesterday however, we did the Pain and Pleasure task for the first time. You told me this task would likely push my limits for physical pain, which it did and that is one of the goals of the task. You helped me refine how you wanted it completed and knew when I had started it. Afterwards I was tired out, in subspace and started feeling a little needy. I was a bit regressed and began to get worried I would start feeling worse. I texted you that I was exhausted and wanted cuddles, something I don’t think I have ever said to you before. You responded with a single word “nap” and told me to get cuddles from someone else. I understood that you didn’t grasp where I was mentally from that response so I sent you more messages asking you to please give me praise and a few brief voice messages explaining that it would help me feel closer to you if you could use the time after an intense task to connect with me, even briefly. You have done so successfully in the past and its an extremely potent way to influence my mind. You did not respond to any of those messages.

I did not go into a more severe sub drop and was able to get up and move forward with the rest of my day but was troubled by your lack of response to my requests for aftercare. I do not believe I will generally need a lot of your time or attention for aftercare but praising me for completing the Task and reinforcing your ownership would help me a lot. An hour or so later you sent me some pornographic material off Reddit and I got annoyed as I thought you had gotten all the messages and were just ignoring them. So I decided to ask to talk to you about it. I have not done that in a long time. I texted you using your real name and you immediately called me. I told you what was going on and you explained that you had been having a busy day and had not had a chance to catch up on my messages. I felt much better and you graciously apologized which was appreciated and of course, accepted. You mentioned that you have a friend who doesn’t need much in the way of aftercare and I guess there are subs who don’t, but you are not lucky enough to have found that with me, My Master. I do need aftercare and feel it is a way for you to increase your control and power over me. It was a very good conversation. You grasped the situation immediately and handled it masterfully. By the end of the conversation I was on my knees, whimpering and cumming on your command, my heart full of thankfulness and my face smiling with joy to be your Slave.

Weekly Update 6/1/20-6/7/20

Posted on by Avertas

I have never been a Slave before, My Master

Please take pity on me

I am bound to make mistakes

This was a big one

Please help me

Indentify Mantra
I AM A WHINY WEAK-WILLED PATHETIC SLUT. I do NOT know what I WANT. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM. I WANT TO: BE OWNED. Belong to My Master, My Lord, My Wolf. Be his Pathetic Slave Slut. But I AM: STUPID. DISOBEDIENT. Weak-willed. Whiny.

Tentative

This has been a strange week, My Master. I have put all my energy into recovering from the tumultuous events of last week when I broke your limits with my play partner and damaged your trust in my obedience and devotion to you. I had some time off this week and you have given me my new tasks. All of my new rituals and mantras feature criticism for my weak-willed, disobedient slut nature and emphasize that I could lose you if I am not careful. You have been changeable towards me this week, understandably so. At times you thaw, at other times you remain cold and distant. So I wait here in limbo, on my knees, practicing my patience. You know that is not my strength, My Master. My strengths seems to be evaporating in front of my eyes. Makes me wonder how real they ever were…

After you read the blog on Monday, I though you would soften towards me. I had laid out my counter argument beautifully, I thought. But in our text conversation you persisted in your anger at my disobedience, frustrating me with your high expectations for me and pointing out that I understood that a Slave should be obedient and that I am intelligent and well educated. Which in my experience, are fairly useless attributes when it comes to making good life decisions. With no other way to escape the heavy burden of guilt and regret I have settled into the long haul of earning back some of your faith in your useless, reckless Slave through careful obedience, continued honesty and making every effort to show you my appreciation for having you in my life.

The new tasks involve a lot of public play requiring creativity, planning extra effort, boldness and accepting some risk of discovery. I have found them interesting and challenging as I made my first efforts at them this week. These three public tasks are balanced by more private daily rituals around plugging and unplugging FC3 requiring me to kneel, look at myself in the mirror and reflect and reinforce my Slavehood and your ownership. Not suprisingly, I look forward to these daily moments very much as they make me feel close to you and at peace with myself. The most challenging task, Full, is a variant on the birthday task you made for me but you have modified it somewhat. I must fuck all three of your fuck cunts continuously for forty strokes within five minutes. Recently you added that I must lick your balls at the bottom of the stroke in FC1 which led to a great deal of spitting up and even a few strait up vomiting episodes during my last attempt at this task. I’m glad that you gave me the new tasks this week as they have given us something to work on together that is somewhat neutral and I have been able to demonstrate my service to you by completing them with enthusiasm.

My innermost feelings are mostly centered around anxiety this week as I still feel so uncertain about our bond. I feel like I am reaching, longing for you, begging you to bring your Lamb back into your care and control but I can feel your resistance to letting your guard down. That kills me, My Master and I feel so guilty and remorseful that I failed you. I don’t know what else I can do. I have been trying everything I can think of to show you how much I regret what I did. I never want to disrespect you or dishonor my Master. I want to serve you only and be worthy of your attention and use. I don’t believe in God, but I pray to you that you will forgive me whole heartedly someday once you feel that I have been adequately punished for my disobedience.

Slave Sister

Somewhat randomly I have begun communicating with one of your other subs, a woman on the other side of the world who also calls you Master. She is sweet at least on initial meeting and expresses excitement about having a Slave Sister. Immediately it was clear to me that I was alpha to her and she agreed and has spent the last few days sitting at my feet (symbolically) while I play with her hair and we chat of minor things. It has been a nice reminder of what I enjoy about having a submissive without the burden of the intense dependency and need for attention and support of truly having a committed sub. I don’t know if anything will come of it but I appreciate your permission for us to continue to explore that dynamic and the opportunity to again feel my own Dominant nature since I have been enjoying allowing myself to sink so deeply into the Submissive role with you.

I have recently been feeling an increasing interest in having a woman again. I was definitely not ready to be a domme in my last relationship with a woman and I learned a lot from that relationship, both about pitfalls in BDSM and poly. I have matched a few women on Tinder and OkCupid recently but after a few texts I’ve been shy about actually moving forward with meeting them. Women are often intense and emotional. They want another woman to be both best friends and lovers and expect lots of attention. My last girlfriend was fine with my husband but absolutely hated that I had other male lovers. I felt a lot of shame from her for my choices in my sexual and romantic relationships and it was frustrating to have to argue with her about it all the time. I guess I’m just worried that future relationships with women will be similarly demanding and distract me from serving you as a Slave which is my primary focus and goal right now. And with our recent difficulties with me taking on a play partner I have been shooing off potential connections, male or female, until things feel more settled between us.

I feel like I have already learned so much from you about how to be a good Dom. I know that time will be coming for me, when I am ready to commit to it someday, of taking my own sub, either male or female. I feel very lucky that you embrace my switch nature and are open to allowing me to explore that with your other subs under your guidance someday. I feel like that could be such a rich and exciting dynamic, personally. And even just in text and imagination I have found the idea of kneeling with another woman at your feet is exciting, especially if you let me use her as well. So many wonderful things you have brought into my life, My Master and I know you have so much more. You are the first person to ever really push my sexual limits and we have never even met! I can only imagine the incredible growth I will experience when we are together, My Lord.

Weekly Update 5/25/20-5/31/20

Posted on by Avertas

So I have my second date with *Real Name*

This Tues evening My Master

“Nothing more than a BJ and him finger banging you”

My Master

We need to talk about this

“You and *Real Name*?”

Me and *Real Name* or me and whomever, My Master

I don’t agree to you directing my every move

….

I will try it your way, My Master

And if I fail, you will punish me as I deserve

“Smart choice

I have faith you cherish me more than the dildo”

You know that is true, My Master

You are my Lord

I kneel down to you and wear your harness and your plug and soon your collar

I feel you with me in my mind and on my body, My Master

You give me something no one has every done before

“Cum, My property”

——————————————————————-

Hello, My Master

“Hello, My Treasure”

We fucked, My Master

I’m sorry

And I know I will be punished and I should be, My Master

Disaster

How lucky I am to be sitting here. Sucking a lolly in FC1, the weight of your birthday gift pressing down into your FC2, your plug snug in FC3, still flushed from the orgasms you allowed me earlier tonight. Still allowed to call your holes yours. Still able to call you My Master despite my failure to adhere to the limits I agreed to when you allowed me to meet with my first play partner since we began our relationship months ago.

The week had started off so beautifully between the two of us. You obviously had read my previous blog post and immediately shifted to a warmer tone, using pet names more often and giving me compliments. This had the effect of pouring kerosene on a smoldering fire. Whatever tincture of praise and degradation my brain needs was perfectly matched by you and I catapulted into blissful submission. Words, words, words are so powerful to me. I remember you texted me after work and I was in the parking lot of the drug store and I was describing myself using all manner of demeaning phrases in my relationship to you; Your cumdump, Your slut etc and you replied “My Lamb”. I pressed the phone against my chest and swooned. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You played with me on text with several extreme humiliation scenarios and I allowed myself to imagine submitting to such treatment and enjoying it. I contemplated and agreed to all kinds of vile acts for you, My Master, including crawl through the mud, through piss to kneel at your feet.

We felt so close that I was worried about how we would do with my second date with my play partner. I had met him on Fet and I had discussed with him that I had a Dom and a husband and was just looking for a casual and friendly, safe, sexual partner. We got along well and had good chemistry on our first meeting. I was looking forward to seeing him, yet anxious too, as so many of my attempts to date recently have been unsuccessful for one reason or another. And with quarantine it had been about four months since I had a fun sexual romp with anyone outside my marriage, when typically I have 1-2 side lovers since my husband and I opened our relationship. When I told you about the date, you immediately ordered that I could only participate in oral sex. I was unhappy as I felt this was sending mixed messages to my play partner and as I also wanted to be free to act in whatever way felt comfortable in the moment. I didn’t see any reason to wait until a later date as we had already essentially agreed to have sex, that is the main purpose of our relationship. But in that conversation you argued that I had already given you control over my sex life outside my marriage, that I was being a rebellious brat by disagreeing and that those were your orders to obey or not. When I asked what would happen if I did not obey, you told me I would of course be punished. Reluctantly I agreed to try, warning you I might fail and would then accept punishment.

I went over to his house after work, stopping to get some takeout for dinner. He had clarified earlier in the day by text if we were hanging out or if there was an option for sex. I had told him there was an opportunity for “playing around”. I did not specifically tell him beforehand that I was not allowed to have sex. Per your instructions I had taken my harness off but left your plug in FC3. We had dinner and chatted about our lives. It was an easy conversation, he was deferential and polite and I felt relaxed and confident. We were watching some Netflix when he finally leaned over and kissed me deeply. Things escalated from there and we ended up in his bedroom, where he discovered I was plugged. We were playing when he rolled over, slipped a condom on and said, “I think we should have sex”. I remember laughing nervously and saying “we’re not really supposed to do that” and then we were doing that. I didn’t stop it and I know I could have, My Master.

Once we finished, after a few quick cuddles and a little more conversation, I got dressed and left. I immediately drove to the first parking lot I could find and texted you that I had fucked him and apologized. I expected you to be disappointed in me, but also I though a part of you might have anticipated that I would have a hard time with this and be somewhat prepared for my failure. You texted back but quickly called me and that is when things got horrible. Your voice was so angry and hurt, although you denied it when I apologized. You were furious. You demanded that I block my play partner immediately, which seemed completely rude and unnecessary to me as he had never agreed to your limits and I was the one who was your slave and bound to obey you. You pointed out that I had been willing to end the relationship with him earlier if you requested and I rebuttled that now I knew he was a good fit for me and we had a pleasant relationship that I did not want to end, hence me position had changed. You became even more upset, saying that I lacked integrity and should be careful in the lifestyle because people would not want me for their sub. You threatened to end our relationship, which terrified me and I felt ashamed, scared, angry and just completely in shock at the intensity of your response.

I had been up since six am, worked all day and had just had sex for the first time with someone I barely knew. My relationship with you was imploding and I was guilty and distraught about that. I knew I still had to go home after this and process everything with my husband and be available to give him support and attention. All I had wanted to do was have a fun night of relaxing sex and it ended great damage done to my Master’s trust in me. Under so much stress, I blew up at you, saying I was tired of doing things for everyone else, that I had a very demanding life and that fun sex is something wanted for myself, something I felt I deserved and that I was angry at everyone and everything for making such a simple thing so unnecessarily difficult. You told me I sounded like a whiny teenager having a tantrum and assigned me to start therapy because you were worried about my mental health. Finally you told me I could continue to see my play partner but he was never to use FC3 and you didn’t want to hear anything ever about our relationship or what we did. At that point your hot anger had turned to ice, you obviously were filled with disgust for me. I was a total mess, physically shaking, crying and absolutely exhausted.

I drove home, talking on the phone with a close friend in the lifestyle who knows about us on the way, who provided plenty of love, support and reassurance that I was not a terrible person, that it was right for you to be so upset and that you would find a way to forgive me. My poor husband was waiting up for me and I gave him a brief sketch of my night, then apologized for being completely spent and went and took a long shower alone with my thoughts. He was concerned and supportive and affectionate with me. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep, thinking of you. I texted you another apology in the wee hours, telling you how sorry I was that I was not your perfect slave, begging you to take pity on me. I greeted you in the morning and I messaged you during the day. You didn’t even read my morning messages and I despaired.

Finally you greeted me. I immediately asked to speak to you on the phone ASAP and we set up a time to talk again. Thursday night, in the middle of rain storm I called you from my car. I asked you if you wanted to talk as Master and Slave or as our real names and you answered me “Both”, which bothers me somewhat. Your preference to keep softening that line between the power dynamic in our BSDM relationship vs. outside it. I don’t know what I am giving up by allowing that and it troubles me. However, I was not in a position to argue so I accepted your request and we began to talk. Essentially you held your position that I am a flawed individual who you now know you cannot trust to control herself sexually outside of your direct supervision which is a disappointment. You confirmed that you had also felt the intensifying feeling between us earlier in the week which made this mistake even more disruptive to our dynamic. You repeatedly told me that I had put a crack in the foundation of our relationship. When I protested that I was a new sub who was not perfect and that I needed guidance and help, that I had been clear from the beginning that I needed a sexual outlet, that I had been reluctant to accept this limitation when it was negotiated and had warned you that I might fail, that I had been completely honest about my failure and accepting of the need for punishment, you softened a tiny amount. You agreed that I had been honest and that I was trying to improve. You reminded me of how harshly you had punished me for my previous small error and explained that I should continue to expect rigorous discipline for my mistakes and failures. I wept off and on throughout our entire conversation as I realized how badly I had erred and how difficult it would be to recover your esteem and trust as your Slave. I also realized how deeply I value your opinion of me and how rarely I have let others down in my life the way I have failed you, My Master. Perhaps because you are asking things of me and pushing me to my limits in a way that no one ever has.

Since that conversation, I have poured myself into reconnecting with you and the work of repairing our relationship. I have begun searching for a kink friendly therapist. I have accepted and started practicing the wonderful new tasks you also created for me this week, some of which have mantras admitting my weak will power, uncertain identity and warnings of how I may lose my relationship with you if I am undeserving. I have changed my name on Fet to one you chose, which reflects my lowered status. I have continued to apologize, abase myself to you and have examined my behavior, both alone and in conversation with my friends and my husband. It has been a long and difficult week and I know I am not even close to being done. The reward has been your gracious gift of keeping me in your presence even as I am a worthless, flawed, out of control, impulsive Slut Slave. I am so thankful you still keep your hand upon me. You have not unplugged me (Thank you, thank you, thank you, My Lord). You are firm and merciless as you should be, in response to my mistake and you reject with scorn the parts of me that led to it but you do not reject all of me. You told me you still see potential for this Slave. I know that under your discipline and leadership I can continue to grow into the perfect obedience and submission that you deserve. I know that as an experienced Dom you can use my errors as part of my process of learning. Although this has been so painful, it has helped both of us understand me better. Perhaps you have learned something new about yourself as well, My Master. Now you have jerked the chain tight around my neck and brought me to heel. Now you see what a task you have ahead of you in training me. So eager to submit to your will up to a point and then, steely resistance and even disobedience when I am thwarted in pursuit of what I feel are my deserved rewards.

My feelings today are of great regret for my actions, sad awareness of my flaws, humility and gratitude towards you, My Lord. There are remnants of anger at myself for not listening to my own internal guidance about my limits and I will be more careful to do so in the future. There is anxiety about your expectations for me to be so perfect even as I am yet new and developing. There is worry that we will continue to struggle with my need for physical sex while you are away and that my continued engagement with my play partner will be a constant source of conflict and drama. There is guilt for not having kept my word to you and betraying your trust in me. My panic that you will completely release me from your worship and service is reduced but not resolved as I know not to become complacent nor assume that because you have allowed me to creep nearer that you have forgiven me. I have fallen and it is terrible. I long for the day when you will again freely allow me to worship you, when you can accept my devotion and obedience with an easy heart and when you can look upon your Property with pride and satisfaction at how I have developed and improved under your ownership.

Weekly Update 5/18/20-5/24/20

Posted on by Avertas

“O.

I do take your thoughts into consideration, Pet

But I make the final decision, my Slave”

Thank you, My Master

That is how I humbly prefer it

“Of course

You are a worthless pathetic slave

You need to be on your belly

You need to crawl

You need to relax”

Thank you for understanding what I need so well, My Master

It is a challenge and a pleasure to serve you, My Lord

“Of course

Feel my hand slap your face when you challenge me

Feel it push you down on your belly, then the sting of the belt across your pathetic ass”

I always feel you in my mind and on my body, My Master

Your Property lies on the ground chastened and sore, My Master

“Cum

Pathetic worthless fuck toy”

Expanding Control

As we are slowly coming out of quarantine I have resumed my search for an appropriate play partner. Before our relationship I had been looking for a Dom, a need I no longer have. My emotional needs are well taken care of by my loving and attentive husband. So really all I am looking for is a fun, sexual relationship with a reasonable guy. In the past I have found partners off of normal dating sites (Tinder/OKC) but my Fet account has been more active recently and I have had several local Dom/Bulls approach me with compliments and offers to play. The benefits to me of finding a partner in this manner is that they will presumably be more familiar with BDSM and understanding of our unique relationship, something other vanilla men might find off putting.

I messaged two of these men, both in their early 30s and labeling themselves as Bulls and both responded with interest. When I made you aware of these potential play partners you immediately told me you would need to be in contact with them before I was allowed to have any physical contact. Although this was difficult for me, I decided to embrace an opportunity to practice submitting to you, not just sexually but in terms of allowing you to control more of my sex life outside of just between you and I. This has been both an erotic and frustrating experience for me. As I enjoy sexual objectification, the idea of you negotiating the terms in which another strange man might use your holes is arousing. However, being that you are both dominant males, coming from different generations, it has also been rather amusing and annoying to watch you both butt heads and swing cocks while quietly calming each of you down from the sidelines. Finally, after several messages, screen shots and a phone call between us, I had permission to meet the Bull. He was young, calm, open minded, respectful and expressed interest in seeing me again later this week. I am pleased as he is physically attractive to me and I think he would benefit from a relationship with an older woman as well.

This week we also established and negotiated new limits on my participation in more casual online sexual relationships. As you know I like a lot of attention, praise and sex so one way I get those needs filled is through occasional very casual sexting and lewd pic exchanges on the internet. Some of these relationships are slowly deepening into true friendships as well. However, I have been feeling increasingly uneasy as some of the men I talk with are dominants and a few are clearly attempting to recruit me as their sub despite my always being clear that I am a claimed Slave. I do not disclose your identity to anyone, although I have been asked (a practice which has led other Doms to criticize you as a fuckboy, BTW). I do not send full nudes, although there is one vanilla man that I have considered doing so, again something I felt I needed your guidance on. I don’t feel that I should send pictures of your holes to other men without your knowledge and approval.

You seemed slightly amused when I brought all this to your attention but once I explained why I was feeling uncomfortable you agreed with the need for limits and we agreed on four casual sexting partners and that I could only send pictures/videos with underwear/bikini level of exposure. You also pointed out that I was giving you more power over my sexual activity outside our relationship, but as you can see from my thought process, you already had that power. This just helps me feel reassured that nothing I am doing would displease you, My Master. It has been well accepted by the men I chat with that My Master has placed these limits on me. If anything, they admire your hold on me.

Doubt

One of the Doms I had been talking to online was increasingly relentless in his pursuit this week and although I am not interested in him as my Dom and I have stopped talking to him, he did successfully identify an area of insecurity in my feelings about you which I have been discussing with two trusted friends. I am insecure about how much you actually enjoy having me as a sub and if you find my body attractive.

Where does this come from? Well, first I personally have a ton of baggage about my desirability as a woman, which you are aware of and I need a lot of reassurance about this. This is part of what feeds my praise kink. So I fully acknowledge that a lot of this is my own shit. However, that being admitted there are patterns in your behaviors and our relationship which have increased my anxiety about this…

You don’t ask for images of me and if I send them you rarely comment or praise them. For example, I sent two very explicit video clips late one night, which I imaged you enjoying if you woke during the night, as I know you sometimes do. In the morning you never mentioned them or expressed any enjoyment in receiving them until I asked, which was a disappointment as I had hoped you would like them. I have no idea if this is an intentional “Dom” behavior to show that my body has no influence over you and to diminish my sense of power to manipulate you with it.

I observe the images you are drawn to online and I feel like I am not really your “type” which tends to a young girl with a thin build. I do think my body, while it has many flaws, is attractive and sensual but I worry that it doesn’t appeal to your aesthetic preferences. While I fully understand that we can be attracted to and enjoy relationships with people who are not our ideals this is something that causes me anxiety, heightened by the fact that you (intentionally or not) rarely compliment my physical body.

When we first started our relationship, you teased me about being in a frenzy as a newbie to the lifestyle but sometimes I feel that you are even more frenzied than me. You are searching for new relationships, contacts, opportunities for sexual experiences. You mock my sexual appetite but you have your own deep hunger that my own service will never sate. You are ravenous, My Wolf and I have at tendency to interpret that as meaning you don’t find me satisfying. I need to accept that it has nothing to do with me. I will be working on shifting my perspective on your hunting for more submissives from anxiety and feelings of rejection to appreciation for your openness, curiosity, energy and feeling grateful that you are willing to include me at times in your adventures with others. Because this is a currently a challenge for me, I am sensitive to small slips in attention such as forgetting a playdate you had made with me, delays in completing things I need (new tasks, communicating with the Bull). I want to feel that you think I am important while at the same time I understand that you have your own busy life and you will have other priorities.

I was hesitant to talk to you about this because I don’t like to criticize you in these small things since I find our relationship very pleasurable, exciting and valuable to me. You give me a lot of your time and attention already and I never want you to feel that I take that for granted or fail to appreciate it. I truly think you are an wonderful Dom, full of surprises, creativity, boldly but respectfully pushing my limits and constantly exposing me to new things. Also you bring me a level of sexual fulfillment I never expected in a long distance relationship.

I don’t want you to feel that I expect you to be at my beck and call or heaping praise and compliments on me all the time. You must lead and follow your tastes and instincts in this relationship. Artificial, manufactured praise is obvious to me and does not make me feel good. I did want you to have more insight into how your behavior effects me and some of the things going through my mind so you can help your Slave feel more treasured and secure in your ownership. I feel so very lucky to have been claimed by you and to be your Slave. I don’t think any of this will come as a surprise as you are quite attuned to me and I have noticed just recently that you did give me a compliment as well as incorporating more praise and use of terms such as “treasured” and “pretty” in our playtimes. I’m sure you understand that these anxieties are temporarily increased in conjunction with my deepening submission, dependence and devotion to you, My Master.

Correspondence

Posted on by Avertas

Hello My Master,
Here are my tasks as I understand them. 


Weekly:  Motherhood:  any day of the week but must be completed once weekly.  Task as follows.  Edge 30 secondsx2, the add 3 clothespins to each tit, edge 60 seconds and orgasm.  Wait a bit, edge 30 seconds and remove a clothespin.  Continue until all clothespins are removed then permission to ride a dildo in FC3 while abusing clit and must abuse tits at orgasm.


Squats:  Can be completed all at once or split up into separate sets.  Suction cup dildo fixed to workout bench.  Strip naked and watch in mirror.  20 squats onto dildo full length in FC3 and then 20 squats half in and out of FC3.  Six sets total (120 squats).  No orgasm.


Weekly (or more) Blog Update regarding emotional responses and thoughts about relationship, sexual experiences, power dynamics, effects on personal and professional life etc.  Emphasis on expressing inner feelings.  Blog is published publicly and anonymously.  Both husband and Master may read it.  Must plug all holes when working on blog (vaginal weight or dildo in FC2, Njoy in FC3, lollypop in FC1).


Daily Tasks:

Greet Master before or by 6:20 on weekdays/workdays (can be later if ill or weekend).

FC3 plugged at all times when not at work (exceptions include for illness, if husband requests removal, can take out overnight if interfering with sleep but I rarely do so).

Allowed 2 orgasms daily using clit and FC2, FC3 only with permission.  Allowed to buzz Njoy with wand if grounding/soothing.

Elastic body harness to be worn under work clothing daily as not able to be plugged at work.  Send pic of harness daily in the morning.

No orgasm days on Sun/Tues/Thursday.  If compliant earn extra orgasm for the following day.

Edging in public bathroom for 45 sec two times, ideally with others present on M/Wed.

Edging to the cusp of orgasm and holding for slow 15 sec count Sun/Tues/Thursday/Sat.  Expect harsh punishment if you cum, bad slut.

Always use titles (My Master, My Wolf, My Lord) when speaking with Master. 

Playfulness and teasing may be tolerated.  Disrespect will not be.

Thank Master for any orgasms as he is the one who allows them.

Notify him if his holes are used by husband or other approved play partners.

Play partners do not have titles and P.S.S. does not accept tasks from anyone but her Master.

If Master commands an orgasm, allow it to occur if at all possible.

P.S.S. is allowed to send saucy pics with panties/bra/bikini on to friends but nothing more without Master’s permission.

Only allowed to have four online, casual sexting friends.

Express aversion or concern about new ideas/proposals by using the term “yet” rather than outright refusal.

In conversation (written or verbal) all holes and clit are referred to as “your” (as in belonging to Master) and use the abbreviation FC (Fuck Cunt) 1 (mouth), 2 (pussy), 3 (asshole).


During Play:

Only allowed to orgasm during play with Master with his direct permission. 

Do not touch your face, fix hair etc unless directly commanded.  Master may wish you to be ruined/a mess.  

If given instructions to perform a certain number of tasks count out loud for Master. 

Always answer Master promptly and correctly.  Obviously use proper titles throughout play.


If possible should be kneeling in submission when talking with Master.

Use safewords when necessary.

Not required but appreciated are sharing interesting content from social media (BDSM or otherwise), responding to similar from Master, assisting Master with personal tasks/work as he requests (edit papers, source things he needs), sending gifts and cards in the mail, listening to Master if he wants P.S.S. opinion on something happening in his life, sexy pictures in lingerie, swimsuits, shibari, explicit pictures of holes (plugged or otherwise), squirting evidence etc, body marks/injuries from play or tasks.  An attitude of curiosity and openness to new sexual or BDSM experiences is encouraged.


To my mind, Master is most insistent on honesty and willingness to try.  That is the most important element of being a Good Girl, Pet, Princess, Lamb and P.S.S. Breaking rules or neglecting tasks will lead to punishment which will be decided by Master and discussed.


Your Property,
P.S.S.

Weekly Update 5/11/20-5/18/20

Posted on by Avertas

Rationally, of course, I should not mind but the emotional process of being a submissive/slave is powerful

It is hard to feel like I am being asked to find you a better replacement for myself, (real name)

I am thinking about where my limit is on this and I will let you know

“Good girl

By the way, not a Replacement to you

I will still own you.”

Insecurity

For the first time this week I was unable to cum when you ordered me to do so. This occurred in the context of a few unsettling events in our relationship, at least to me. One, you had me help you with some practical writing tasks, which on one hand was flattering and appreciated as I like when you involve me in your day to day life (something I have been asking for) but also can feel a little exploitative, probably because of my own baggage. I have always been a nerdy academic overachiever and this has made me sensitive to people passing off their work for me to do. I have developed strong boundaries about this in other areas of my life. To be fair however, you did ask and I happily agreed to assist you and the work itself, although a little time consuming, was quite easy for me. I felt like you were truly appreciative of my assistance and I am honored to help you.

Likely more relevant to your Property’s lack of sexual response is that you started talking to me more recently about looking for a new sub/slave/cuckqueen to be your primary relationship. I have been through this before with having an open marriage and in other relationships so I wasn’t surprised to find myself feeling more insecure, anxious and preoccupied with the idea that you were rejecting me for some flaw. Rationally, of course, I completely understand that you desire and deserve to pursue your relationship goals. And I know I can’t meet those needs, nor do I particularly want to try to. But emotionally, it is another matter all together. The process of becoming your Slave has involved intentionally deepening and encouraging my emotional dependence on you, My Master. It has been very effective but it has also made me sensitive to what I perceive as rejection or loss of interest from you, which I think is typical in the submissive position but probably amplified by our relationship being new, long distance and my first time being a formal sub/slave.

You asked me to look over your profile from a dating site and that was the last straw. I have been asked to do similar things for lovers who were looking for primary relationships and even in less intense relationships, I found it painful and threatening. One thing I have learned from polyamory is that I just need to speak my truth and be okay with letting people know where my boundary is whether they understand and agree with it or not. Because things were complicated, my feelings were intense and I was not feeling very connected with you, I asked if we could talk on video chat. When we did, it was helpful although somewhat mixed initially. You seemed to be in a playful mood (perhaps a defense of yours?), which was frustrating as this was something serious to me and I was in my feelings. You also mixed up my real name for some reason, which certainly isn’t reassuring to a woman who is already feeling insecure about her importance to you! However, you did recover from these missteps and we had a good conversation and I felt better at being able to communicate directly with you, explain my problem and be heard. I also appreciated that you chose to have us do so outside the BDSM framework, allowing me to communicate more directly and firmly with you about my limits and needs. After that conversation I felt much calmer and connected. I appreciate that you understand why it is emotionally hard for me to help you find a new primary sub, that you are beginning to tell me about other secondary relationships you currently have and exploring how much information I can/should share with others about our connection to each other. In the future I will continue to seek more direct communication with you when I am feeling unsure about things because I repeatedly find that we do better when we are able to talk in person vs. trying to manage complicated topics over text. I hope that you will do the same, My Master.

As a result of this reassurance and clarification, I find your Property is responding better to your instructions. I also decided to approach you for more clear limits on my interactions with other men online and as I begin again seeking a male play partner. You helped me by letting me know what was acceptable to you in terms of my sexual behaviors (not sharing full nude photos/videos but otherwise able to amuse myself with sexting/saucy pics) and set a limit on the number of people I can engage with in this type of casual playful sexual activity. You also changed my status on Fet, announcing that I was owned by you, which was something I thought I felt neutral on, but I was surprised that it gave me a thrill to see it in “public”. It made it more real and like you were making more of a commitment to this being a true relationship between us.

You have asked me to have a potential play partner approach you first if I desire to make it a physical relationship and that has brought up a mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m nervous that you will scare off potential play partners, not intentionally, but who knows what you will get into your head, My Master. It’s been quite a long time since I had a sexual partner other than my husband and I really hope I can find someone who will be a good fit for my complicated situation. Of course, there’s a part of me that pushes back against your control and wants to be independent in making my own choices about my sex life. However, I felt intensely “owned” when you told me that this man would have to talk to you before he was allowed to fuck your Property. You know how much I like sexual objectification and this entire exchange, although somewhat nerve racking, has also been quite erotic for me. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next, My Master.

Tasks

You have recently told me that you would like to revamp my Tasks and have asked for some feedback on what I like/dislike about my current daily and weekly Tasks.

Things I like in my Tasks: Being asked to think or say things out loud (Mantras), being called “Property” or anything referencing being owned or not in control of my body/mind, Doing tasks while looking in a mirror, Doing tasks in a submissive position (kneeling or lying flat on the ground), Semi public tasks (this one needs negotiating bc I understand it’s hard to know what is okay and what isn’t but I do like playing with this), Being told to wear certain things (daily body harnesses I love but also pearl panties, or no panties, or I have to wear thigh highs, high heels, etc), having to send explicit photographs or videos of my body to you, a brief ritual or mantra around plugging/unplugging FC3 would be nice as that is a daily private moment of submission, orgasm denial/control (demanding certain number of orgasms be completed or none at all), cumming on command (perhaps we can work on strengthening that through play again), detailed tasks (specific amounts of time/counts, multiple instructions, variety of toys), tasks that use all your FC (especially FC3), continued development of tolerance/interest in painful sensations during play, tasks using/involving nJoy plug, being granted reprieve from other tasks while working on special projects (Punishment or Reward tasks), extra challenging tasks for special occasions/events, perhaps some special rewards (like an explicit video of you cumming) for meeting new challenges, an occasional field trip task might be fun (go to the drug store and fuck yourself with a dildo in the bathroom for two minutes etc), I also like the weekly tasks to have titles (Squats, Motherhood etc)

Things I don’t like in my Tasks: Too rigid of a timeline for completion (which you are good about), tasks that take too long as this can become disruptive to my evening routines (understandable for punishment but weekly tasks can also get time consuming and interfere with exercise or time with my husband which is okay occasionally but not frequently), too simple of tasks (perhaps the basic edging task needs an upgrade), prolonged orgasm denial or very stimulating tasks without allowed release, tasks that require me to be unplugged for long periods of time outside of work, tasks that are excessively painful for my level, tasks requesting ATM without cleaning in between, overly frequent daily tasks that disrupt my work day (2-3 brief tasks a day seems good so far)

You gave me a lovely, dirty and challenging task for my birthday earlier this week which was amazing. You titled it “Birthday Gang Bang” which immediately got my interest. You told me to put two clothespins on each breast sandwiching each nipple in between. I was to put the Lush in FC2 and turn it to respond to sound and play music during the task. I was then to put a vibe in FC3 and a dildo in FC1. Then slide forwards and backwards, as if being fucked in a gang bang for forty strokes without orgasm allowed. This was followed by permission to bring myself to orgasm using any means and at climax, remove one clothespin, continuing to build to repeat orgasms until all clothespins were removed. My initial response was excited and pleased but then, of course, you upped the ante by telling me I had to complete this not once but three times (!) over the 24 hours of my birthday. You do demand so much and I love that. I love that your are strict and challenge me. This was a great task, if you look at what I like above, because it was detailed, used all three FC, developed pain tolerance, involved orgasm control but also release at the end and involved an erotic fantasy of mine (MFM threesome). I was feeling a little depressed about my birthday but having twelve kinky orgasms definitely cheered me up. I was so proud of this task I actually talked (bragged) about it to a few friends and they were impressed by the task and also told me that I seemed happy and fulfilled in this relationship with you. Thank you for a great birthday gift, My Master.

Weekly Update 5/4/20-5/10/20

Posted on by Avertas

I will not be able to reach that goal, My Master

“You have until WEDNESDAY Midnight to accomplish.

All freebies and tasks are cancelled until then”

I don’t accept this punishment, My Master

“I am Shocked.

You don’t have faith in yourself

Stating defeat without trying”

“It is fair that I be punished, My Master

But I don’t accept an impossible task as punishment”

Punishment Again

Sunday afternoon I broke a rule by accidentally having an orgasm while edging as part of my daily task. It was a no orgasm day. I was edging in my bathroom, using the satisfier on your clit and your plug in FC3 and watching a porn clip on my phone. I was supposed to bring myself almost to orgasm and then a slow count down from 15. I have been working on really pushing the edging right to the brink of orgasm the past week. The satisfier felt so good on your aching clit and I knew I was very close. I got to about ten and I lost control over it. As the pleasure washed over me, I groaned out loud, “Shiittt”, because I already was imagining having to tell you about it and whatever punishment I knew was coming my way. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, just for a second, “You could always not tell; He will never know”. Then shrugging that idea off because one, I have already decided to not play that kind of game with you because it cheats me more than anything. And two, I am so under your power now that it would be uncomfortable for me to lie to you about breaking a rule.

I immediately texted you, feeling annoyed that this had happened as I had been in a wonderful mood earlier in the day and now I knew something unpleasant was coming my way and nobody’s fault but my own. Sometimes you are quite generous and forgiving, so part of me was hoping you might take it easy on me as this was not disobedience, but rather error leading to breaking a rule. Also I thought you might reward me with a lighter punishment because I was so prompt and honest in telling you. I was wrong on both counts. And as I am writing this I can hear you saying, “Why should I reward you for what is EXPECTED of you, Slave Cunt”.

You responded to my announcement with displeasure as expected and gave me a punishment of being immediately unplugged for 24 hours and a new task for overstim and forced orgasms. While I agreed that I needed to be punished and that the overall theme of the punishment was appropriate to the mistake, the initial demand of 15 orgasms in two minutes annoyed me as it seemed ludicrous. I remember thinking, if you just want me to torture myself with overstim for two minutes strait, just ask for that. Don’t make me try for something I can’t achieve. I was sullen and pouty anyway since I had been hoping to be let off the hook and I didn’t like the idea of being set up for failure. You know I have a low tolerance for failure in myself or others. So I decided to reject the initial punishment.

This was my first time trying such a stunt and I had no idea how you would take it. Maybe I would be told to shut up and be a good Slave and do as Master demands or maybe the punishment would be dropped or maybe you would pull us out of our roles and talk to me as a person outside BSDM to see why I was refusing. What you did was respond in a calm and measured way and explore what I thought was unfair about the punishment. You negotiated with me an acceptable expectation (which I still thought was unachievable) of ten orgasms in five minutes with three attempts daily until I either achieved it or I hit the cut off. I was a little sulky at the time when I was feeling angry, childish and wanting to provoke you, although later I appreciated the opportunity to practice negotiating limits with you in a respectful way that did not take us out of our dynamic. You also cancelled all tasks for me until punishment was completed as you wanted punishment to be my focus.

That night, after my household had settled, I told my husband that I needed some time alone and went to my bedroom. I had charged all my toys. I stripped naked, put down a towel, took a deep breath and started. I brought myself to the first intense orgasm relatively quickly and the next two were fairly easy and still pleasurable but then your property started to respond less to the clit stim and the g spot glass dildo I was using. I switched to the wand and turned it up higher, resulting in two more orgasms that were painful spasming with no euphoria or release sensation. I was up to five and almost out of time. Your clit was so tender and sensitive that it was agony to even touch it. I grit my teeth and pushed the buzzing wand against it again, gasping and writhing at the sensation as my legs clamped together in an attempt to escape it. My timer went off and I dropped the wand, already exhausted from my first attempt. Fuck, this is going to suck, I thought as I realized what a task I had ahead of me.

I rested a few minutes and texted you the results of my first try. What I learned the first day of punishment is that the first try is the one where you are most likely to be successful because the second and third try are almost strait torture since your clit was already sensitized and tender. My second and third tries I got generally between five and seven orgasms but they were hard won. I sent you a brief video of me writhing and groaning in bed, panting, mouth open as I attempted to force yet another orgasm from your clit. I continued to update you on my progress by text every day of punishment. I also sent you pics of your soaking wet, swollen FC2, plugged FC3 and clit, or my hand slick with pussy juice. The second night you suggested I try tying my legs open to help, which I did, using scarves and a soft tie from an old dress tied to the legs of my bed. My first pathetic attempt at self restraint. It did help somewhat. This punishment was time consuming, and I often started my evening workouts late in the night with resulting late bedtimes. I was also on my second week of work in a row, meaning I was tired. I was on my cycle leading to some messy and time consuming clean up. All of these excuses meant nothing, I knew and I did not trouble with you them. Punishment is intended to be inconvenient and unpleasant after all.

As I did have to keep disappearing into my bedroom essentially every night, I had to explain to my husband that I was being punished for something. Initially he was satisfied with that vague excuse, although later he became more curious and requested more information. I explained to him that I had broken a rule and what the consequences were. He became anxious when he learned about the level of orgasm control and zero orgasm days, worried that meant you were instructing me about how to respond sexually with him. I gave him lots of reassurance that was not the case and that when we were having sex, I was free to respond naturally, which is true. One of his understandable worries is that our relationship and its power dynamics will interfere with our married sex life. This conversation led to me disclosing more to him about my daily tasks than he had known previously. He seemed surprised at the frequency and intensity of my responsibilities to you. Partly because of these conversations and issues, I approached you about the rest of my normal weekly tasks, Motherhood and Squats which would have to be completed on the remaining evenings of the week as I continued to fail at completing my punishment task. You were very gracious and waived all the rest of my tasks for the week which was deeply appreciated, My Master (although I did find myself missing the edging at work).

Finally Wednesday evening rolled around and I was determined to achieve the goal of ten orgasms in five minutes. I had hit nine a few times so I knew I was close. You gave me permission to use FC3 that night and I decided to try a new approach of going for a softer first orgasm and building up from there. Again I stripped naked, tied my legs to the bed frame, and had my toys to hand. I unplugged FC3 and slid a well lubed vibrator inside it then started the satisfier on your clit. The vibe was buzzing away as I moved it in and out, stretching your hole when the first orgasm hit and I started the timer. I kept going, changing the position of the toys to keep the sensations intense. The orgasms kept building to a large one at four, which had me pulling against the restraints. I checked the timer, still a few minutes left. I knew I could get there. I closed my eyes and put the satisfier on high and pushed it down on your clit. My legs strained against the ties and my mind went nearly blank as my body tried to escape the painfully intense feelings. I got up to seven, then stopped for a few seconds and resumed fucking your FC3 deeply for several strokes while I let your clit recover. Little over a minute left now, I grimaced and tentatively put the satisfied back on, a moan escaped me as I was thrown almost immediately into full body convulsions of agony. But I would not move the toy off your clit and I felt the last few painful spasms rip through me with relief. I went limp and stared at the ceiling. I had done it and I was completely exhausted. I thought about how much I had learned from this punishment; that I could negotiate with you, that you could be reasonable and help me achieve my goal, that I could persist in something and achieve it, even when I though it wasn’t possible, practical experience in self restraint and overstim, discovering an anxiety of my husband’s and addressing it and reinforcement of the importance of adhering to the rules and how seriously you expect me to take them. I felt proud of myself and also silly about that, because who feels proud of something like having ten orgasms while tied to the bed? I guess a Slave does, My Master.

Integration and Disappointments

Last night we were texting late and you brought up a change I have noticed you making lately. You have recently been pairing my true name with the title Slave. You had started with this weeks ago, during play, and it made me nervous right from the beginning. One reason is that I understand the use of my real name to indicate that we are stepping outside the BDSM framework to discuss something. When you pair my name with the title Slave I am unsure about where I am supposed to be responding from, which psychological position.

We have been exploring how and why I keep the separate aspects of my life/personality/personhood apart recently. This partly came up because we were talking about my starting a relationship with the man I had been communicating with throughout quarantine, who completely and unexpectedly ghosted me this week after offering to make and bring me lunch at work. This was a first experience for me and we’ve discussed how it is bringing up the expected feelings of disappointment, anger, embarrassment, insecurity and reluctance to trust others. I can’t help but think about our relationship as there are similarities. What if you did something similar to me after developing this intensity and reliance on you? That would be so painful but I have made myself vulnerable to such suffering by trusting you. I hope I am not making a mistake with you, like I did with this man who completely wasted my time. I will say that with you, even if we never meet, I have learned a lot from experiences with you and that will always have value to me.

So this possibility of a new sexual partner, although now a moot point was the trigger for discussing how to balance the Slut and Slave parts of my life with the other more conventional but equally important roles I play. I was talking about how I would like to work towards integrating some of these roles, although of course, there will always be boundaries and privacy. I want these aspects of myself to feel understood, accepted and internally integrated inside my mind. On some level they are all connected, but just by the deep roots. You asked if we should continue to use my name with the Slave title or if I found it too distressing and although I don’t like it (yet), its fine to continue. It may be even good. When I don’t like something you often push me to explore it more and we find out interesting things. I remain open to physically and emotionally painful experiences as a path toward knowledge. However, I would like us to agree on another way to indicate that we are setting aside the BSDM roles if and when we need to do so. I am not ready yet to give up completely the option to communicate with you as something other than your Slave, My Master.

Weekly Update 4/5/20-4/12/20

Posted on by Avertas

I will replug myself before I leave work if you wish, My Sir

It is not my place to do so without your permission

“My, my

My slut is sinking deeper into her slavehood

Yes, your owner wishes his Property is Plugged until further notice

Exceptions: when at work, when your husband requests it removed, medical reasons”

Ooooh boy

Yes, My Master

Connection

You replugged your ass, your FH3, which honestly it feels like you have fucked it at this point although you have never laid a finger on me in real life. I know you wondered if I felt better, felt closer to you, felt “grounded” as you say. Yes, that is true, which is embarrassing to admit to bc it seems like such a weird, gross way to feel connected to someone. When you asked me to stay plugged almost all the time outside of work I was not surprised. I had been waiting for that request for some time. I smiled and then I frowned, because it is a big request and it was very like you to launch it at me so casually. Hey, Slut, wear this butt plug for the forseeable future because I want you to. It bothers me a bit that you didn’t really acknowledge that it was a major act of service for me to accept. Maybe you don’t realize I see it that way. The crazy thing is that I did want to be told to do this, but still saying yes to that request felt like a big step.

It made me remember earlier in the relationship when you mentioned something about me wearing your plug 24/7 and at that time I reacted very negatively and with shock and scorn, really. Of course at the time I had no experience with plugs designed for long term wear but I don’t think that would have made much of difference in my feelings at the time. I remember being angry and that I would never humiliate myself like that. Obviously things keep changing. I keep changing. And that can be a scary. You told me this week that an image (frightened woman being held down by the neck with a leash and collar near a dog bowl while a man threatens her with a closed fist) was rated by me as a 2/5 in the past for initial appeal and this week I rated it 5/5. I have become so more aware of what I want and what arouses me, better understanding my kinks and open to new kinds since our relationship began.

Overall I think that is a good thing and exactly the sort of experience a new sub wants from his or her Dom. I do start to wonder where it will end. You once told me about watching a woman at a sex party get fucked by anyone who wanted her. And internally I was squirming because I have always had fantasies about being used by multiple men but the thought of actually living out that fantasy is scary. But if my mind can change about images and ideas then it can change about actions too. I guess it gets down to identity and values and “morals” and all kinds of deep messages we have all received our entire lives about sexuality and shame. It both troubles and excites me that I no longer know where I would draw the line because I am constantly redrawing them with you.

Who are you?

You had dropped hints in the past about wanting me to send you gifts as you are currently far away, isolated, bored and doing a difficult job. I am not a particularly good gift giver and I am busy so I conveniently ignored that until recently when you not so subtly told me to send you gifts. I felt guilty for neglecting you. So I went to one of the few stores still open and bought some treats and things for you. I would have like to go to the porn store and get you something naughty because I know you would have enjoyed that even more but I couldn’t due to the quarantine having closed almost all the stores.

It was strange buying you things because it really made it clear how little I know about you as a person. Our relationship is so artificial and we are limited in so many ways. It was a good opportunity for me to learn a little bit more about you and to just joke around with you a bit, which I enjoy. I still don’t really know if you like that. I feel like you are resistant to developing a friendship with me and I don’t know why. Of course, because I don’t think very highly of myself, my first thought is that you don’t really like my personality and find me annoying. Then I think maybe you just have firm boundaries with your subs and prefer to keep it very formal and just BDSM. Which I will accept although I think I would prefer a Dom who could make space for there to be casual, friendly connection as well. Then I think maybe you’re intimidated by ME and worry that you are hiding behind the BSDM roles and titles and rules etc so that I won’t know you as a person. Because then I can’t reject you as a person either. You have gone through several relationships ending in the past and this one is challenging and new, perhaps you are also keeping yourself safe.

Failures

We have had several fun and spontaneous sexual playdates this week and I enjoyed them so much and appreciate your creativity and skill in arousing and satisfying me both physically and mentally. But we have also had some failures and this has shown areas where we perhaps have different goals. For me, sexual pleasure and orgasm are an important driver of my participation in BDSM and our relationship as well. This week I have had some trouble orgasming with your instruction, mostly because of communication issues. I feel like we are always rushed and have no privacy, which is true because both of us work full time and have “roommates” with little control over the environment sometimes. I guess I need to be more patient but I am a greedy girl, especially when it comes to pleasure.

We had a spontaneous playdate in the basement when I was working out. You had told me I was going to get to play with FH3 later that night, sending me a picture of a woman fucking her ass with a dildo. I was excited and when I went down to workout I brought my suction cup dildo with me, hoping you would text me and maybe we could play. You did and had me strip naked and set up my workout bench so I could fuck myself on the dildo while looking in the mirror. You also watched me on video call which is something we had not done before.

This was not a particularly successful BDSM experience for me despite my being very excited about it and a lot of things happened that I enjoyed. I feel reluctant right now to talk about it because I don’t want to seem critical and I know how hard it is to top, especially long distance and on short notice. The signs of problems for me were that I was unable to feel that dreamy, subby, brainless feeling that I love from a BSDM scene and I wasn’t able to orgasm while I was with you despite a lot of anal and clit stim which I love and usually would be successful. I have been thinking about it and I also discussed it with a friend.

First the environment was difficult because my husband was upstairs and unaware that I was doing anything sexual much less buck naked fucking myself in the ass and pinching my clit in front of a giant mirror. I couldn’t secure the door so I just had to pray that he didn’t walk in on me, which wasn’t exactly relaxing. I could have told him that I needed privacy but I didn’t feel like having a long conversation explaining what I was doing and then having to process all his opinions and feelings about it later. So I just decided to risk getting walked in on and deal with the fall out if it happened. Secondly, I was insecure about my body because this was our first time doing video chat for sex and the lighting is atrocious in the basement, like department store changing room overhead flourescent and I did not feel pretty or sexy at all. Third, you didn’t have me lube up my dildo again at any point and it started to get uncomfortable and I felt stupid stopping you so I could do that although at one point I finally had to. Fourth, its hard for me to cum standing up because I lose control of my body when I orgasm hard and I will fall down. All of these are small things but combined it made the situation less comfortable and I was distracted and having a hard time getting into the right mindset.

The most important problem to my mind though is that you have recently been pursuing a line of thought about degrading me that doesn’t “work” for me. You were talking about me being ashamed of myself and making me look at myself in the mirror but I didn’t feel ashamed at all. I thought I looked pretty fucking hot taking that thick dildo up your FH3. You were contrasting my persona in the outside world, which is quite polished and confident and contrasting it with the image in the mirror, a naked woman pleasuring herself in an obscene way at the bidding of a strange man. But the thing is I feel like I am embracing that woman now and I value her.

In the moment it felt rude to stop you or say anything and I was definitely enjoying myself but I couldn’t help thinking that if you knew me better you would have known that some of the things you were saying were not going to work, because they are not true about me. I internally rolled my eyes and giggled when you used the term “prim and proper”, which no one would ever say about me as I strut around in high heels, make my friends laugh by twerking, drop the F bomb at work and have a darkly sarcastic sense of humor. Almost everyone who knows me would say that I am bold, funny, sexual and assertive. So this made me feel again like you don’t really know me as a person. The BDSM I like is personal in nature; you can’t successfully humiliate people with random statements. The key needs to fit the lock.

My friend advised me to talk to you about this and feels that in general we should talk more rather than just text about BDSM. So I requested and you granted me a chance to talk on video chat without playing. I feel like I’m forcing this communication on you. You agreed to a “meeting” once a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t like to force people to talk to me. I guess recently I am feeling the desire to connect with you as a person and as my Master. What do you get out of this? You never talk to me about these blogs you ordered me to write other than to tell me I’m somehow not doing them right. You never tell me if you are sexually aroused by our conversations or the images I send you. Do you masturbate to thoughts of our play or do you forget about it? You told me that a good submissive should be consumed by thoughts of her Master and I do think about you a lot. I’m sure it won’t be a surprise that my biggest question about you is how you feel about me.

Weekly Update 3/30/20-4/5/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Bad Bad Bad

Such a disobedient slut

Using something that NO LONGER BELONGS to you

I will have to think up a proper painful punishment”

I am sorry, My Master

Disobedience

We made a deal over the weekend that I could have two orgasms in exchange for doing something for you, which I was not allowed to know in advance. Of course I said yes because I am always curious what your devious mind is going to come up with. Which was that I was to edge for five minutes on the hour while awake until I had your permission to cum. I was also to remain plugged the entire time. I set my phone to alarm and my timer for five minutes and had a strange day of doing chores and texting friends while rubbing my clit what began to feel like every time I turned around. This continued on and on until I thought I was going to lose my mind; all I could think about was fucking and the most obscene images were constantly going through my mind. I was sexting with a potential lover and kept escalating the conversation above what I would normally do because I was ridiculously horny.

Finally I had a moment alone, hiding down in the laundry room with the satisfier and I texted you for permission to cum. You responded favorably and so I believed that I would finally be relieved. However right when I was about to orgasm, I texted you for permission and you responded “No” and told me to turn off the satisfier. My heart fell and I felt so disappointed and angry. I felt tricked. I had been playing your game (which I had agreed to, of course) for so long and it was no longer really fun. Your clit was throbbing as I knelt there on the dirty rug, a whisper away from climax. You told me I could pull out the anal plug and try to make myself cum by fucking my ass with my fingers. I took a deep breath and followed your instructions. The anal play felt so good…but not good enough to cum and I turned back on the satisfier and started using it on your clit. The combined sensations were intense. Anal and clit stim together are a favorite for me, but something was nagging at me. I turned the toy off and read your next text, which was ruthlessly degrading me for being a pathetic slave.

I made a decision to tell you what I had done. I could have said nothing. I could have cum three times in a row using all your holes however I chose and you would never know. But that would mean this relationship is just an amusement, just a diversion and not something I am really committing myself to, to learn from you and explore submission. You have told me several times that the most important thing you need from me is honesty.

You were not happy to say the least. You scolded me for my disobedience, obviously I didn’t get to cum and you unplugged me immediately and told me to stop edging. I was so scared you were not going to talk to me the rest of the day which would have been terrible but you did sent me a neutral texts which soothed me. You didn’t punish me right away, which was a bit anxiety provoking as well. You often don’t communicate what I should expect or at least that is how it feels and I feel uncertain about where I stand. Finally I asked you what my punishment was and you told me I was to remain unplugged until the next weekend.

Punishment

At first being unplugged was a relief. After edging and being so tied up with you for the later part of the weekend, being free of the plug and vaginal weights felt so light. I had a great workout without having to feel or think about them and I felt more present in the rest of my life, not being distracted by edging. This was a challenging week for me at work and in other areas of my life and as the week went on I felt more and more distant and slightly annoyed with you. I felt like you were busy and our interactions were rather dull. You’d send me a few texts, mostly pornographic images. You gave me no tasks and the sexting was much less intense or frequent than it has been in the past.

As the demands in the rest of my life steadily increased I became resentful that you didn’t seem to notice or respond to my increased emotions and distress. You sent me some limit pushing images which I felt was unnecessarily provocative given how much I was struggling. I responded with anger or as you like to call it “sass”. After which you tried to engage me in a supportive way outside of the BSDM framework, dropping our titles, but I was too upset at that point and essentially told you to go away. That night I felt so far from you. I doubted if you cared enough about me as a friend to even bother to understand what kind of pressure I was under. You seemed out of synch with me. Illogically, I was disappointed that you had failed to reach me even though I know I was pushing you away. Later we talked about it and I tried to explain.

I still don’t know what to tell you about my anger. I am not an easy person. I am not an easy submissive. I feel bad about that and wish that I could be less complicated, difficult, contradictory and needy than I actually am. A great fear I carry is that I am going to exhaust the people I love if I ever express my true self.

Other Men

I have a fun new relationship beginning in this inauspicious time with a local cute, kinky, widowed man who likes running and coffee and sexting me. He was supposed to come up and meet me this week after a much longer period of texting than I would normally ever allow. He was going to bring me a home cooked meal at work for lunch and I had every intention of making out with him like crazy in the car, maybe even let him finger me if the mood was right. I had a premonition in the days before that it was going to fall through and I was correct. Due to COVID complications he was unable to come up. I was surprised at how disappointed I was. It felt like nothing in my life was going right and all my pleasures were being denied. I have been missing male admiration, attention and conquest very much.

This whole situation did bring up some important conversation about my outside relationships and what limits you will try to impose on them. I have a lot of anxiety about this as I want your involvement to be limited and I feel you do not agree. I agree my lovers need to know that you exist and have ownership of me but you also asked me to give my new lover a ridiculous title and only refer to him by it, which I declined. It’s already so hard for me to connect with decent people given my unique situation that anything that will make me seem even more odd or otherwise make me act in ways that are not natural to me I must reject if I am to have any chance of being successful in finding a quality relationship. I initially agreed to our relationship under the promise that I would be able to have outside sexual connections and I will hold you to that, My Master.

I decided not to use titles at all with this potential lover. He has naturally taken a firmly dominant position towards me, like most men do who are sexually attracted to me. He accepted your presence easily and seems to understand that I want a play partner and not another Dom. I am going to be careful to maintain that boundary with him and other men as don’t want to feel torn trying to serve two masters. I want to serve you and keep myself amused while I wait to kneel at your feet. This new lover is kinky and exciting, promising me fun play with threesomes of all types, impact play and light degradation and his sexting has been wonderful, full, evocative scenarios showing a mature and experienced lover. It is yet another strange long distance relationship during this odd time in the world and in my life. I hope you are able to give me the freedom I desire to explore with another man. I have no idea if that bothers you or not. I think you would rather I did not, and this is another way I feel I am a challenging and difficult sub.

Weekly Update 3/23/20-3/29/20

Posted on by Avertas

“Good girl, How does that make you feel?”

I’m fairly intoxicated currently but weirdly aroused and freaked out

“Which FEELS Correct?”

Slut SLAVE, My Sir

But gah! That’s so weird

“Now put it all together”

Pathetic Slut Slave, My Sir

My Husband Reads The Blog

So after posting last week, I happened to mention to my husband that I had referenced him in this blog. He already knew that it existed and in fact, helped me set it up so I was shocked when he became very upset that I had discussed him in it. I thought he understood that this was an anonymous space for me to process the effect of my relationship with my Sir on all parts of my life, certainly including my sex life and my most important romantic relationship, which is with him, of course. We had a lively conversation about limits, control and privacy which was heated at times. I will respect our limits by not sharing the details of what exactly was discussed on here. My husband didn’t need me to take the post down but that he wanted to read it and the rest of the blog so he understood what information was being shared. I had already told him he could read it, as that seemed only fair but asked him to let me know if he did.

Immediately, of course, I felt a sense of panic as I thought of the explicit sexual things described here and wondered what he would think of me. What he would think of me doing those acts for another man while I was in our home. Even more scary was the thought of him reading about my Master owning me and my holes. Traditionally, of course, your husband owns you and your holes. Our marriage is certainly non-traditional and yet, old ideas die hard and I am sympathetic that it could be challenging to sit and read about your wife calling herself a slave to another man. Later that night I brought up with him that My Sir and I were using those titles and explained that it was part of the BDSM relationship. My husband recalled the titles used previously between me and my female sub (Queen and Kitten).

I didn’t know when he was going to read it. Early in the week he came to me and told me that he had. He was smiling and calm and said, “there’s nothing there that I didn’t expect”. He told me that it helped to understand why I was in this relationship and he was even happy for me that I had found someone I could experience this with. I felt immense relief, acceptance and gratitude to have this wonderful person in my life, who could be so courageous and open to keep loving me despite the strange demands I make on him. I often feel like my sex drive and kink are a burden to him and my family and it was oddly freeing to have him see some of the “worst” of it and not reject me. On the negative side, I do not like having to share some of the intimate, special details of my relationship with my Sir with my husband. I feel anxious about him becoming a “gatekeeper” for me in BDSM, getting permission tacitly for my participation in activities that ideally, I could make an independent decision about. Funny, a sub advocating so strongly for her autonomy to get controlled and dominated.

Positives of Our Relationship for Me:

You had asked me what some of the positives of the relationship were after some criticism of the content of the blog.

First the sex. This is a huge motivator for me in my relationships outside my marriage and I still have reservations at times about our inability to have actual sex and need to rely on phone and hopefully someday, video encounters, for our sexual interactions. This week I bought the Lush and Hush, an egg vibrator and an anal vibrator with the option for long distance control which should bring a whole new dynamic to our sex life. You now control when or if I get to have orgasms on my own (which makes me feel so dependent when I have to bug you for permission and also continued shame about how often I actually masturbate, which I worry is excessive). I do feel a sense of connection to you every time I orgasm.

This week you gave me several fun, kinky things to do including having me orgasm multiple times while fucking your ass with a dildo first thing in the morning, plugging me and having me make myself cum four times in the shower (twice with dildo in my cunt and twice with dildo in my ass) and indulging me in a phone sex session where you made me alternate between slowly fucking your pussy and gagging on the dildo while I slapped my cunt for progressively longer counts. This weekend you have started a game with me where I “bought” two orgasms on Saturday morning at the cost of edging myself for 2-5 minutes every hour while awake until you give me permission to cum again. All of this makes me feel desired and sexy and engaged with you. I really enjoy sex and you know you can always get my attention that way. Other sexual things that have improved are my level of comfort with anal penetration which I have always enjoyed and I even had my first anal orgasm this week in the shower. You have introduced me to tons of fun toys, like the Satisfier which makes me cum in about two minutes. Sex with you is a real pleasure in my life and something I look forward to. You are the only lover I have had who is more kinky that me and that makes me feel less weird as well.

Our relationship has helped me define my interests and kinks much more clearly. I have confirmed my preference for degradation alternating with praise. I am exploring deeper submission and giving up sexual control. I learned how to set hard limits and defend them. I have used my safe words. I started this blog and through it, learned about how BSDM effects my marriage and my emotions. I have become more open to many kinks that I would not have even considered in the past. Just beginning to play with more painful sensations and learning how those effect me sexually and psychologically. I have examined my projections and expectations for a Dominant. Of course all of this has brought on a ton of feelings, some negative, but also a lot of growth. I feel like I’m communicating much more openly and directly about my sexual needs and preferences. I’m excited to see what it’s like when I actually have sex with a new partner since I feel like so many things have changed about me recently.

Pathetic Slave Slut:

Titles have been a big topic in this relationship and this week we further refined my title. I was wine drunk and working on a puzzle after a particularly stressful day at work, my husband was next to me, also drinking wine and texting his girlfriend. You told me that if you sent me some sex toys in the mail you would address them to your “Slave Slut”, later suggesting perhaps it should be “P.S.S.” with my having to guess that the P stood for pathetic. I’m trying to remember where the initial use of “Pathetic” to describe me came from exactly. In any case, I remember that I used that word to describe my no longer fighting against you and giving in to my submissive urges. You immediately recognized it as an important word and concept and have used it regularly since then in our sessions.

Pathetic means weak, deserving of pity, helpless; all things I don’t feel remotely comfortable accepting about myself and certainly not words that anyone who knows me in the rest of my life would ever use. I am generally considered a strong, even domineering leader. So this part of me that wants to crawl, to be collared, to be controlled and used feels secret and shameful. The part that wants to give up all the power and respect I have worked so hard to achieve and sink into mindless service to you is so hard to accept as equally valid as all my more acceptable qualities. Right now I just know I need it badly and I have somewhat intentionally stopped worrying about what it all means about me as a person, etc because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth currently. I just know I need it and even when my thinking brain fights it, my body and my emotions respond. There are so many demands on me right now, I am taking anything that helps and holding on tight.