“Has my Toy…
Come to terms a bit to the depths of Submission?”
My feelings are complicated right now, My Sir
I’m scared
“Of”
The depths
“Of fear…
Spread your knees wider.”
Yes, My Master
Of my submission
It’s like a sinkhole
I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself
And I will
“Cum.
Keep your body rigid.”
Thank you for the orgasm, My Master
“New Experience….
High kneeling.
Body rigid.
Orgasming from my command
Relax my pet
Deep breaths”
“Motherhood”
You gave me a new task this week, based on a conversation triggered by an erotic video of a woman’s breasts being hit with a crop. I responded negatively, as I tend to do towards images of breast pain and that got me thinking about my own experiences with my breasts. Because I am a mother and nursed my children I see my breasts as both sexual objects, typical for my culture, and as well as nurturing and maternal with a family connection. I was pondering with you if that was part of what made me particularly protective towards my breasts. So, of course, you made me a task immediately following that conversation and you named it “Motherhood”. The task required me to use clothespins on my tits, another thing I have been resistant to, but I had already purchased them at your request. You did allow me to “soften” them by keeping them clipped open, for which I am thankful, My Master.
I like these complicated tasks, although it is sometimes painful to communicate exactly how you want things done. I do know and respect that it is important for me to do them correctly and as you have ordered. I like the demand for my time and attention. I like the effort you put into creating and perfecting it for me and feeling what you want me to experience. I like getting everything ready and the sense of “here we go” when it starts. I even sent you a picture of all the supplies before hand. I was proud of myself for doing it. I felt like a good girl and I wanted to show you what I was doing. The task was only moderately painful, involving edging, then putting three clothespins on each breast, then coming to orgasm, then edging as each clothespin was removed and then allowed to cum by fucking your asshole and using the satisfier on your clit. The hardest thing for me was cumming with all the clothespins on because I do find that pain, even moderate pain, distracts me from pleasure currently but it was interesting to feel how the perception of the pain ebbed and returned as I played with your clit and FH2. Removing the pins off my nipples was by far the most painful part and that was intense for me. I was happy I did it and thoroughly enjoyed the reward you granted me, like the horny slut I am.
I am inexperienced with pain as part of a sexual experience and I do appreciate you introducing this to me slowly and helping me explore it with you. I feel challenged by it but the more I follow your lead and have good experiences the more I trust you and am open to your instructions. I want to be more prepared for your return when you will be able to put hands on me yourself and inflict whatever sensations you desire on your property.
The Sinkhole
There was a shift in our dynamic this week and I have entered another level of submission (not embraced, but found myself suddenly here). I became aware of it after I had been masturbating late one night and I was having trouble having an orgasm, which is fairly rare for me. I thought maybe I was just in an uncomfortable position but moving my body, changing the mental fantasy I was thinking about, nothing seemed to help. I was getting very frustrated, that horrible feeling of pent up energy with no release and I thought, maybe I should think about you. So I imagined your voice calling me your slut and fuck toy and slave and also you commanding me to cum. My body responded immediately to these thoughts and your pussy got even more wet and I came quickly. I sent you a thank you text, of course, and then next day I mentioned it to you because I thought you would like it. And also, it was bothering me a bit that I had to think of you giving me permission before I could cum.
You did like it and you told me it was my training taking effect. Then you told me to cum, right where I was. At first I was amused and dismissive, because there was no way that was going to happen. And then…I felt my pulse quicken a bit, my legs relax and open slightly, your cunt began to throb and I squirmed in my chair in need. A few seconds later I felt tingling heat creeping from your clit and pleasure spreading through my body. And I was like, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL JUST HAPPENED?!? It wasn’t a mind blowing, push the plug out orgasm but it was definitely an orgasm. Without you laying a finger on me or me touching myself at all.
Of course I immediately remembered you telling me about a sub you had previously who would cum on your command and how at the time I totally didn’t believe you and thought that she was just a girl who wanted to please you and was probably lying to make you feel powerful. But, ummm, here I am having exactly the same experience. So of course, I considered if I was simply so eager to be your good girl that I had made it up but I checked later and FH2 was wet and slippery so something physical very much happened. I was pretty judgmental about that sub and threatened by the idea of a previous sub so devoted to you that she could do what at the time sounded like magic. You have since accepted my apology for such ignorance.
Of course you have been playing with this new development, strengthening it and that has been wonderful. A part of me loves it. Loves this evidence that I am your property and under your control. Even loves that it happened without my knowledge or consent. We never discussed this happening but it just did, a natural progression. Following these mental orgasms I get intensely subby, feel slow and drugged and floating and stupid and eager to crawl to you and be used as your pet and your toy. Once you had confirmed that it was happening everytime and you could even make me cum multiple times, things escalated.
Our playtime on Friday following the Motherhood task was… just so much. I don’t even know where to start. Great things, terrifying things, upsetting things. Things I long for and things I dread and things I don’t even understand. After I completed the task I messaged you. I was on my knees, naked and plugged, little lamb to the slaughter. I was thanking you for educating this slave. And you put my real name with the title Slave in your response, immediately asking me how I felt about that, which was confused and scared and aroused, of course. You pointed out that normal was gone now and that now I’m your slave who is happy to have your plug in her ass all day and cums on your word. In my text response I changed your title to “My Lord”. I deleted it at first, shocked that I had written that, wrote “My Master” and then took a deep breath, changed it back to “My Lord” and sent it to you with my heart in my mouth.
Of course I mean “My Lord” as in “My God”, as in an all powerful entity that controls me from afar and keeps me safe and tortures me and pleasures me at his convenience and for reasons I am not meant to understand. I feel so embarassed writing this because it is very intimate and I feel so exposed and vulnerable. Which is the other thing that is happening along with your increased power and my increased dependence and submission to you is that I am becoming much more anxious and scared that I don’t know you well and that you will hurt me because you cannot give me some aspects of what I need.
During our play you told me to unplug FH3 and I asked why and you told me if I had been in front of you in person you would have slapped me. At the time I was feeling overwhelmed and very subbed and childlike and that response just filled me with despair because to me being unplugged is punishment and I had wanted to understand why you were punishing me, My Lord. After I cried for a bit, I sent you a picture of my tearful face and you said my tears were pretty. (I’m actually crying now writing this.) We ended shortly after that, after hours of intense play and emotions. I desperately wanted to feel some warmth from you, some kindness. You have the sadism I need to push me to the very edges of my submission, I know that. But I also need to be able to trust you and to feel a connection to you of affection and that you desire and value me as your sub. So I asked you for that, I think somewhat to your surprise as you took a teasing tone, although I was very serious. And perhaps this is where I will push you to your limits, My Master. You don’t need to love me and I am not asking to be your only. But I do need to be special to you in my own way and to feel that I am. Meaning you must communicate it in a way that I can understand which means some praise, reassurance and affection. I hope you already know that you are very special to me, My Lord and I will continue to show that through my respect, my obedience and my worship.