I will replug myself before I leave work if you wish, My Sir
It is not my place to do so without your permission
“My, my
My slut is sinking deeper into her slavehood
Yes, your owner wishes his Property is Plugged until further notice
Exceptions: when at work, when your husband requests it removed, medical reasons”
Ooooh boy
Yes, My Master
Connection
You replugged your ass, your FH3, which honestly it feels like you have fucked it at this point although you have never laid a finger on me in real life. I know you wondered if I felt better, felt closer to you, felt “grounded” as you say. Yes, that is true, which is embarrassing to admit to bc it seems like such a weird, gross way to feel connected to someone. When you asked me to stay plugged almost all the time outside of work I was not surprised. I had been waiting for that request for some time. I smiled and then I frowned, because it is a big request and it was very like you to launch it at me so casually. Hey, Slut, wear this butt plug for the forseeable future because I want you to. It bothers me a bit that you didn’t really acknowledge that it was a major act of service for me to accept. Maybe you don’t realize I see it that way. The crazy thing is that I did want to be told to do this, but still saying yes to that request felt like a big step.
It made me remember earlier in the relationship when you mentioned something about me wearing your plug 24/7 and at that time I reacted very negatively and with shock and scorn, really. Of course at the time I had no experience with plugs designed for long term wear but I don’t think that would have made much of difference in my feelings at the time. I remember being angry and that I would never humiliate myself like that. Obviously things keep changing. I keep changing. And that can be a scary. You told me this week that an image (frightened woman being held down by the neck with a leash and collar near a dog bowl while a man threatens her with a closed fist) was rated by me as a 2/5 in the past for initial appeal and this week I rated it 5/5. I have become so more aware of what I want and what arouses me, better understanding my kinks and open to new kinds since our relationship began.
Overall I think that is a good thing and exactly the sort of experience a new sub wants from his or her Dom. I do start to wonder where it will end. You once told me about watching a woman at a sex party get fucked by anyone who wanted her. And internally I was squirming because I have always had fantasies about being used by multiple men but the thought of actually living out that fantasy is scary. But if my mind can change about images and ideas then it can change about actions too. I guess it gets down to identity and values and “morals” and all kinds of deep messages we have all received our entire lives about sexuality and shame. It both troubles and excites me that I no longer know where I would draw the line because I am constantly redrawing them with you.
Who are you?
You had dropped hints in the past about wanting me to send you gifts as you are currently far away, isolated, bored and doing a difficult job. I am not a particularly good gift giver and I am busy so I conveniently ignored that until recently when you not so subtly told me to send you gifts. I felt guilty for neglecting you. So I went to one of the few stores still open and bought some treats and things for you. I would have like to go to the porn store and get you something naughty because I know you would have enjoyed that even more but I couldn’t due to the quarantine having closed almost all the stores.
It was strange buying you things because it really made it clear how little I know about you as a person. Our relationship is so artificial and we are limited in so many ways. It was a good opportunity for me to learn a little bit more about you and to just joke around with you a bit, which I enjoy. I still don’t really know if you like that. I feel like you are resistant to developing a friendship with me and I don’t know why. Of course, because I don’t think very highly of myself, my first thought is that you don’t really like my personality and find me annoying. Then I think maybe you just have firm boundaries with your subs and prefer to keep it very formal and just BDSM. Which I will accept although I think I would prefer a Dom who could make space for there to be casual, friendly connection as well. Then I think maybe you’re intimidated by ME and worry that you are hiding behind the BSDM roles and titles and rules etc so that I won’t know you as a person. Because then I can’t reject you as a person either. You have gone through several relationships ending in the past and this one is challenging and new, perhaps you are also keeping yourself safe.
Failures
We have had several fun and spontaneous sexual playdates this week and I enjoyed them so much and appreciate your creativity and skill in arousing and satisfying me both physically and mentally. But we have also had some failures and this has shown areas where we perhaps have different goals. For me, sexual pleasure and orgasm are an important driver of my participation in BDSM and our relationship as well. This week I have had some trouble orgasming with your instruction, mostly because of communication issues. I feel like we are always rushed and have no privacy, which is true because both of us work full time and have “roommates” with little control over the environment sometimes. I guess I need to be more patient but I am a greedy girl, especially when it comes to pleasure.
We had a spontaneous playdate in the basement when I was working out. You had told me I was going to get to play with FH3 later that night, sending me a picture of a woman fucking her ass with a dildo. I was excited and when I went down to workout I brought my suction cup dildo with me, hoping you would text me and maybe we could play. You did and had me strip naked and set up my workout bench so I could fuck myself on the dildo while looking in the mirror. You also watched me on video call which is something we had not done before.
This was not a particularly successful BDSM experience for me despite my being very excited about it and a lot of things happened that I enjoyed. I feel reluctant right now to talk about it because I don’t want to seem critical and I know how hard it is to top, especially long distance and on short notice. The signs of problems for me were that I was unable to feel that dreamy, subby, brainless feeling that I love from a BSDM scene and I wasn’t able to orgasm while I was with you despite a lot of anal and clit stim which I love and usually would be successful. I have been thinking about it and I also discussed it with a friend.
First the environment was difficult because my husband was upstairs and unaware that I was doing anything sexual much less buck naked fucking myself in the ass and pinching my clit in front of a giant mirror. I couldn’t secure the door so I just had to pray that he didn’t walk in on me, which wasn’t exactly relaxing. I could have told him that I needed privacy but I didn’t feel like having a long conversation explaining what I was doing and then having to process all his opinions and feelings about it later. So I just decided to risk getting walked in on and deal with the fall out if it happened. Secondly, I was insecure about my body because this was our first time doing video chat for sex and the lighting is atrocious in the basement, like department store changing room overhead flourescent and I did not feel pretty or sexy at all. Third, you didn’t have me lube up my dildo again at any point and it started to get uncomfortable and I felt stupid stopping you so I could do that although at one point I finally had to. Fourth, its hard for me to cum standing up because I lose control of my body when I orgasm hard and I will fall down. All of these are small things but combined it made the situation less comfortable and I was distracted and having a hard time getting into the right mindset.
The most important problem to my mind though is that you have recently been pursuing a line of thought about degrading me that doesn’t “work” for me. You were talking about me being ashamed of myself and making me look at myself in the mirror but I didn’t feel ashamed at all. I thought I looked pretty fucking hot taking that thick dildo up your FH3. You were contrasting my persona in the outside world, which is quite polished and confident and contrasting it with the image in the mirror, a naked woman pleasuring herself in an obscene way at the bidding of a strange man. But the thing is I feel like I am embracing that woman now and I value her.
In the moment it felt rude to stop you or say anything and I was definitely enjoying myself but I couldn’t help thinking that if you knew me better you would have known that some of the things you were saying were not going to work, because they are not true about me. I internally rolled my eyes and giggled when you used the term “prim and proper”, which no one would ever say about me as I strut around in high heels, make my friends laugh by twerking, drop the F bomb at work and have a darkly sarcastic sense of humor. Almost everyone who knows me would say that I am bold, funny, sexual and assertive. So this made me feel again like you don’t really know me as a person. The BDSM I like is personal in nature; you can’t successfully humiliate people with random statements. The key needs to fit the lock.
My friend advised me to talk to you about this and feels that in general we should talk more rather than just text about BDSM. So I requested and you granted me a chance to talk on video chat without playing. I feel like I’m forcing this communication on you. You agreed to a “meeting” once a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t like to force people to talk to me. I guess recently I am feeling the desire to connect with you as a person and as my Master. What do you get out of this? You never talk to me about these blogs you ordered me to write other than to tell me I’m somehow not doing them right. You never tell me if you are sexually aroused by our conversations or the images I send you. Do you masturbate to thoughts of our play or do you forget about it? You told me that a good submissive should be consumed by thoughts of her Master and I do think about you a lot. I’m sure it won’t be a surprise that my biggest question about you is how you feel about me.