“I just read a WONDERFUL TASK for you, Pet”
Oh boy
What do you have in mind, My Master
“Ready”
Yes, My Master
“This will test a few things”
I’m listening
“You will drink 1 gallon of water.
Wear panties.
Wait for 20-30 minutes…Until you have to pee.
I would prefer you go outside and
Then edgex3 Countdowns from 30.
On the last Countdown, you can cum at 15 and again at 0.
(You might want to bring a towel…)”
Shame
Lately I have been thinking a lot about shame. Specifically the shame that I feel not infrequently about my high sexual drive, my Slut nature, my Slave nature and my kinks and the problems these things cause for the people I love. The truth is that when I am able to indulge in these aspects of my self, it feels wonderful and true. I fall into them so naturally and easily when I allow myself to do so. The energy and the flow state I can enter is irresistible to me. I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes it feels like I am channeling the deep feminine sexual energy of the universe, raw and torrential. My partners can feel it too and they respond in a variety of ways depending on personality.
Recent events that have triggered shame in me include being rejected by my female friend after our date last week during which I disclosed that I had an open marriage and was a sub to you. She sent a cool and brief text which stated that she wanted us to remain platonic, followed by some banal, superficial conversation. Internally, I felt again the great divide between myself and the other women I know, who report that they “could never do” all the things that I do quite easily, that I love to do. This difference makes me feel like such a weirdo and a freak. I feel like I ruined that friendship by saying who I really was and sharing my true self. I always worry that once people really know me fully they will be horrified and reject me. To be frank, that’s pretty much what happened. It was so good to talk to you about it and thank you for helping me process these thoughts, My Master. It was great to be able to turn to you for emotional support and for guidance, which in the past I would have been reluctant to ask you for. I sometimes worry that you are so accustomed to kink and BDSM that you fail to realize how shocking many of the ideas and acts you take for granted still are to the vanilla world. You overstepped a few times with me early on and it pushed me away. I feel like that is what happened with my friend. Not to say that I think we ever would have ended up in a relationship, but I think there may have been less damage.
Another time I have felt shame this week was talking to a friend online who is in the Lifestyle. I was discussing my relationship with my husband and how I wish that I could be more “normal” in both my sexual drives and tastes as this would make me a better wife and partner for him. I teared up a bit as I related the struggles I have put us through as a couple that I know he would never have had to face if he had married someone else. My friend told me to celebrate what made me different from other women, to try to see it as a strength, to focus on the positive things it has brought to my marriage like more freedom and excitement for my husband compared to most men. My husband has reassured me multiple times himself that he loves me and accepts me. Maybe I just don’t love and accept myself. Because I don’t feel that way about these aspects of myself sometimes. There are times when I think about just going on some medication that would dull my drive and make me less interested in sex. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen if I keep exploring and empowering these parts of me. They can be so powerful and destructive. I can hurt people; I have hurt you and I am worried that the things I enjoy in BDSM will hurt and disgust my husband, especially as you begin to expose me to new things.
The new task you gave me this week is the first time that we have explored piss play/watersports; a kink I have been curious about. I think it is likely something I will enjoy, particularly when in combination with verbal and physical degradation/humiliation under your control. I don’t recall how I scored piss play in the initial kink assessment you had me do when you were considering me as your sub but I am guessing it was in the “interested but don’t have to have it” category. Maybe it was even lower than that; my openness to kinks and new experiences has increased significantly under your guidance, My Wolf.
As instructed that night, I drank glass after glass of water while chatting online with a Lifestyle friend who knew about the task and was amused by my first attempt. Once I started feeling impulses to use the bathroom, I slipped out of my shorts and tiptoed outside into my suburban back yard. It was late and the neighborhood was peaceful and empty. I was wearing just briefs and a Tshirt. You had instructed me to wear something fuller coverage than my usual g string panty so that I would feel the wetness more on my skin. You instructed me later that if I didn’t wet myself cumming in my panties I was to either stand with my legs together or lay down in the grass and empty my bladder, then stay there for a count of 100, “going over your mantras”. I had brought the required toys out with me for the edging and I found a dark corner of the yard and started playing with your clit, first with my fingers, then with the Satisfier, then with the Focus which creates intense and pinpoint clit stimulation. My bladder was aching and full and with the first orgasm at count fifteen I felt a small splash of urine wetting FC2 and running down my bare legs into the grass. I took a deep breath and kept going…15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8…I was moaning softy and gently moving the focus over your sensitive clit again and again in circles, so close to cumming yet riding the edge as you have trained me to do so carefully. 7-6-5-4, I felt my pelvic muscles straining to hold my bladder while at the same time want to let go completely as the orgasm began to ripple beneath the surface. 3-2-1…a gush of urine as I stood there gasping and cumming harder and harder, feeling the warm liquid soaking into my panties and dripping down my legs. I fell to my knees in the dirty, piss covered grass and felt the mosquitoes begin to bite as the last waves of the orgasm faded. I looked up at the moon and listened to the quiet night, alone in the darkness. I remembered my Mantras and whispered quietly into the warm summer air that I was Slave *real name* and that was owned by Master *real name*. That I was his Property and his Playground. That pleasure and pain was your Right. That this pathetic Cunt belonged to you, regardless if plugged, harnessed or collared.
I felt very young, mildly regressed, a little silly but not upset or distressed by the experience. I cleaned up and changed into dry clothing. I wanted to send you a picture of my wet panties and my legs all covered in the grass marks pressed into them from kneeling but I remember that you told me not to send any pictures this time, to focus on the experience and write about it for you. I laid down and felt even more like a little girl, tired out after a long day but at peace. I curled up in a ball and felt your plug in FC3, always with me, so reassuring and wished I had my wand to vibe it as you allow me to do when I want to relax. Instead I hooked a finger through the loop of the handle and wiggled it gently. If you had been there I would have liked to suck your fingers then. I looked at a picture you had sent me of yourself earlier that day. It was taken at an extremely low angle and you filled the screen, looking down, looming large, the only thing filling the world with nothing but the blue sky behind you…My Lord. I kissed the picture on my phone, laughed a little at myself and went to sleep.
I didn’t feel ashamed while doing the task, but I do anticipate shame about it as people I know are able to read about it in this post, including my husband. I know these are things that confuse and repel most people and it is very hard for me to share them outside of my relationship with you and, of course, whomever you would choose for me to engage with. This kind of task is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I don’t know what I am capable of, but it is more than most. That makes me feel scared and like there is something wrong with me. I love it but I have doubts and trouble accepting it. I am grateful that I have you as my Owner to help me, step by step, in finding my way, showing me things slowly, enjoying and developing the very qualities I find frightening and teaching me how to better contain them so that they are less destructive. The energy you put into my training and discipline, the affection you show me when I have pleased you, the understanding you have of my needs, often better than my own, all bring me to my knees with my mind, heart and body eager to learn and open to your influence and power.